Friday, August 29, 2008

The right path

Once I decided to become an single mom by choice, I felt such peace and a strong strong feeling that I was on the path and headed in the direction I was meant to head. The trying to conceive years were tough ones for sure and I've had to make some difficult decisions and choices along the way no doubt. Through it all, and especially lately, I just feel so strongly that I'm on the life journey I'm supposed to be. I have the children I'm supposed to have. Difficult, yes. Stressful, certainly. Busy, you better believe it. Right for me, absolutely.

Ray has been home a month today. His assessment from regional center today. He will qualify for services just because of his prematurity. They will start with early intervention which is working on stiffness and massage type services as I understand it. His apnea monitor started going off with increasing frequency the last few days. I think it was the leads (although that doesn't make sense), but I changed them out and it hasn't gone off since last night. Just in case I headed in for a quick peds visit to get him checked out since we are going into a long weekend and all seemed fine.

Max met his new teachers today and headed off to his last day of gym camp. Didn't see him much today and he was asleep when I got home. We found out that a boy we had met at church and invited to his birthday party (on a whim really because we see them a lot and the boys play so nice in church) and whose house we are going to on Sunday for a BBQ/swim is in his class. The kids seemed to click as have his mom and I a bit. Maybe because he was a premie and the parents know all too well what I'm going through. It was a surprise because the boy is a year older and has already gone to the school last year, but I think it is because we are both signed up for M-F, full days. I don't know them all that well yet, but just get the feeling that we will be friends for a long time as the boys grow. It feels nice.

Nora's doing fine. I've been attempting breast feeding the last few days. Attempt being the operative word. It's been going quite badly. Less badly each day, but bad none the less. The nurse put in a request of a lactation consult for me for next week. She's going to be on antibiotics at least until next week now. Her head u/s showed the brain ventricles even more swollen this week then last although less fluid. If they are still swelling by next week, she may need surgery to put in a stint for awhile. I'm just taking it day by day with her. Sometimes I wonder if she's going to be a special needs child after all this or how much of a special needs child since each child has special needs of some sort. I've moved to the point where I'll be more surprised if not than if so, but who really knows. A strong part of me still hopes that she will be a smart energetic spit fire that keeps her brothers in line. The reality is that she is going to be who she is with strengths and weakness that are hers alone, just like the rest of us. If there is one thing I have learned from being a parent is that each child comes to you as they come and I strongly feel that my job is to enable them to be the best given who they have been born to be.

The last few days, I've just been feeling so much like this whole hard NICU journey was needed to keep me on a path I'm supposed to be on; that N is the child... the daughter... I was supposed to have; Ray is supposed to be N's twin and Max's brother and I'll need to make sure that he gets his due sitting between N and M who I think will suck all the life energy given the chance and have me loving most of it; and Max, my miracle baby, has the siblings he was supposed to have. I can't really explain it, but at least right now, I'm at peace with where I am in life, with my family, and the journey we are on. All the while pondering and trying to make a plan for those pity freeze embryos on ice and being pissed off in a serious way at the claims disability manager in charge of my short term disability, both of which are topics for another day.


Jen said...

As a niece of a woman with down's syndrome and a teacher of students with disabilities I can tell you that the chances of N being the spit fire with her brothers that you want her to be are GREAT! Some of the kids I've sen are just ridiculous spit fires and drive me crazy at times :) You have so much love in your heart and such an involved mother that your kids, disability or not, are going to have the best care in the world :)


Anonymous said...

YOu are such an awesome mom! Those kids are all lucky to have you. I've been thinking a lot about my own TTC journey. I guess I expected it to be easy....I'm not sure why. Anyway, thanks for the inspiration! Feel free to email me any time. I'd love your feedback about donor embies (which I am reconsidering for the 100th time). :)

calliope said...

thank you so much for this amazing post.
thinking of you.