Ultimate Paranoia

I had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon with my primary care physician (PCP). I had quite a few moles, skin flaps, and freckles appear and/or darken while I was pregnant that I wanted to get checked out. My mom had some skin cancer a few years ago and I spend way more time outside in the sun that she ever has. Under the adage of better to be safe than sorry, I set up an appointment.

No, that’s not what I was paranoid about. My PCP is about 30 miles (or in Los Angeles speak about 45 – 60 min.) away from my house. And, I didn’t want to leave Max for it. It just seems so far away and all of the natural disasters are too fresh in my mind/memory. If something happened like an earthquake, I didn’t want to be so physically far away from him. I have been worrying about this for a week or so. I kept telling myself that I was being stupid, silly, paranoid, etc. and to get over it. But, I was still very anxious about it and no amount of self-talk was helping. Finally, I decided to “own” my feelings and realize that they were valid and they were real. As a result, I dragged Max and the nanny to the doctor’s office with me. I have a follow up appointment in early December. Maybe I will be less paranoid then.

I am leaving Max for short periods of time to run errands and go to the store, but if needed I could walk home within a reasonable amount of time. It is no longer about leaving him, but leaving him and going far enough away that I would have difficulty getting to him if there was a problem or disaster.

I have fully acknowledged and accepted my paranoia for what it is.

In other news, I finally did get the results back from Lucky’s ultra sound on Friday. I had to get upset and start crying on the phone telling the vets office that I didn’t believe them when they told me yet again I would get a call back from the doctor and that I thought they were cruel for making me wait so long when I have been so worried. The dr. didn’t even have the decency to get on the phone herself, but sent the technician to give it to me. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Lucky still isn’t 100% and I saw her in the back yard vomiting an hour or so ago. I’m going to watch her another day or two, then maybe take her into my regular vet.

Happy Halloween!! It was so hot hear today we had to take Max’s Halloween outfit off early. And, I leaked breast milk all over mine right before I left for the doctor so I had to change. I have candy, but am so tired that I’m not sure I will keep my light on for long. I am eating dinner now before Niomi leaves. Then, I plan on walking the dogs with Max and settling in.

Max never did wake up last night in his crib like I wanted him to. I ended up moving him to the co-sleeper when I went to bed and he briefly opened his eyes to see where he was and fell right back to sleep. He fell asleep at 7:30 pm and slept until 12:30 am (5 hours), ate for about 30 minutes, and fell back asleep for another 2.5 hours. Then, he wanted to be up and play. His mama was not ready, but he was so cute and in such a good mood that I smiled and made more eye contact that I should have. It is hard not to. We both dozed off at some point, but were up at 6 and out the door by 7 am. I have been dragging a bit all day.

Hey, lack of sleep, anxity, and paranoia can ware on person, you know.