It’s not me….and yet it is.

If I let myself, I could have a major meltdown right now. The nanny started today. I’m sure she will do just fine, but I took it hard. As hard as it is, I am glad I am starting the transition now so I can get used to it.

I knew when I went down this path to single motherhood that I would have to leave my child to work. It was a built in reality and I really thought I would be okay with it. I’m not. Niami was only here for a few hours and I am a wreck. I keep telling myself that just because someone does it differently from me, doesn’t mean that it is wrong. Good thing I decided to attend the leaders staffing meeting today and locked myself in the office for the last hour or so. I needed the distraction. Max slept in the swing the whole time.

I am sure that I was driving Niami crazy until I closed the office door and left it for her. I need to give her a chance to know when Max is hungry or tired or wants to play or needs to burp. I kept butting in and trying to tell her what to do or what he wanted. She has done this before and I have trust and faith in her, but I want it to be me. She will figure it out like I have. I am really going to try to be better tomorrow.

I am a tad worried that she feels like she needs to clean more than take care of Max. I will watch this over the next few days. Maybe she just felt that way today because the house was so dirty and I got home very late from the hike and she had already started cleaning. I am sure it didn’t help that I kept stepping in and taking over on Max. Since she got almost everything cleaned today, it will be interesting to see how she acts tomorrow.

And, with the cleaning, things were out of place. Nothing major, the shampoo’s and soap not back exactly the way I like them, etc. I told myself what does it matter and haven’t yet gone back to put everything back the way I want it, but I know I will. I kept thinking, that’s not how Ana does it. Ana has cleaned my house for 7 + years now. It was fine and better than it was before she got here, but not spic and span. Not as meticulous as Ana.

It is not Niami, it is me. I know this.

I think there is just too much change going on in my life right now and I don’t like it. I don’t like the changes at work. I don’t like the changes at home. I just want to be independently wealthy and stay home and raise my kids full time.

I want it to be me taking care of Max. Maybe sometime I will be sick of it and will be happy to have him in the care of someone else for awhile, but I’m not there yet.

I feel so out of control of everything right now.