The Best Case; The Worst Case; and Guilt

My mom’s heart tests this weekend showed abnormalities so she was not released and they did an Angioplasty procedure on Monday morning. The results were the best case scenario. There was no blockage and she was released Monday afternoon. She needed supervision for 24 hours with checks every 3 hours to ensure the entry point didn’t get hard and that she didn’t develop a blood clot. She ended up staying at my sister Julie’s house last night. It was great that Julie and Kris could be back for the procedure and they had a chance to talk to mom’s doctors themselves. Apparently, my “caretaking” abilities over the weekend left a lot to be desired in their eyes.

I had an appointment to take Lucky into the vet for a recheck to make sure her cancer is still in remission. I almost cancelled the appointment and went to my regular vet instead because Lucky’s tummy has been upset the last few days and she hasn’t been eating. But, I figured appointments at the specialty clinic were much harder to come by so if they didn’t examine her for her tummy I could stop by my normal vet on the way home. They were less than impressed with the stool sample that I brought in. Although, her blood counts looked good they did want to do an abdominal ultrasound on her to make sure the cancer didn’t come back and that wasn’t the reason for her lack of appetite since cancer had been in the area previously. I was so not expecting that and started balling in the lobby. Both Lucky and Max got agitated when I got upset. Max started screaming and Lucky tried to climb in my lap. The technician was asking if I was okay and feeling bad. It was quite a scene. There were able to get me an u/s today, but I had to wait a few hours for it. The best case was that everything looked good and they would not see a reason to aspirate. I haven’t had a chance to talk to the vet, she will call tomorrow, but paying the bill shows the worst case scenario that they saw something abnormal and decided to aspirate. I’m hoping and praying that Lucky just has a stomach bug and everything will come back normal. I don’t have the financial resources or the physical wherewithal to battle this again. Yet, emotionally, I am not ready to loose her. God, I sure hope the cancer isn’t back. All that treatment was supposed to buy me a lot more time.

I was already feeling guilty that I couldn’t do more for my mom this weekend while she was hospitalized. My sister wants me to take her home this afternoon, which is at least a 2 – 2.5 hour round trip. Now, I am feeling guilty that maybe Lucky is so unhappy that she isn’t getting as much attention as she used to with Max here that caused her immune system to shut down and the cancer to come back. She is still getting walked twice a day and I am giving her as much extra attention and play as I can. I am still worried about work and going back to work and the nanny situation.

I’m not sleeping very well (not Max’s fault, he is sleeping and I’m not) at night and don’t have the time to sleep during the day. I am not eating very well. It is all starting to take its toll. I am only one person and I can only do so much in one day. It’s seems like I am not pleasing anyone these days and my best just isn’t good enough for anyone. And, this is without me working full time. Something or many things are going to have to give next week.

Time has never seemed more precious or to go so fast as it is right now.