Out of Sorts

Max is finally sleeping and I have some down time. He has only been sleeping for brief periods (like when I am in the car with him) the last day or so and eating often. I guess he is getting ready to grow again. (smile) Last night was one of the rougher ones for us lately. Actually, he went to bed at a reasonable time, but I had a late heavy nap and a call from work that had me tossing and turning. It was like my mommy life and my work life collided and it was sooner than I wanted. I’m glad they called to ask my approval/opinion. They want to open about 8 – 10 positions on my team which would bring the total employees reporting to me about 80. This is unmanageable. Really, the 70 I have is too much for one person, but who am I to complain right now. They are proposing to split my team in half and give half to the person covering for me while I am on leave. I am fine with this, but the calls about it made me really anxious and unsettled. I have decided that is because I don’t really know what it truly going on. I can’t/don’t really want to go into details, but things just aren’t adding up from what I have heard prior to day from colleagues and from one of my bosses. So, I am going to get dragged into work stuff a bit early as they figure out how to re-organize, but it is in my best interest. It is the straddling the fence that makes me anxious and unsettled.

I also don’t feel like getting into the whole history of my relationship with my dad and how that has affected me. However, here is an example, a recent interaction, if you will, of what a jerk he can be. I haven’t talked to my dad since the early part of my pregnancy. I pick up the phone last night and to my surprise, he has called. My first thought is “what does he want” since I never really hear from him (he has a psycho wife who is resentful that he was married before and has other children that aren’t hers). Sure enough, it takes him about 10 min., but finally the “purpose” for the call is revealed. In the lead up to the purpose, he manages to insult me several times, but he is so clueless that I’m sure he doesn’t even realize it. He asks me if people at work have “ostracized” me for having Max. I explained that, no, they have been very supportive. He asked about my post pregnancy weight loss and wasn’t satisfied when I told him that I was below my pre-pregnancy weight. He told me that I need to get exercising. I explained that I walk twice a day, each and every day, for about an hour and a half, and that lack of exercise is not the problem. I commented on how most people are impressed with the amount of exercise I am getting with an infant and that hormones and heredity were factors in my weight. I shut up when I realized I was getting defensive. He can be such and asshole. He did not ask me about Max or how things are going. He did give me a hard time for not calling him on his birthday, yet he hasn’t called me on my birthday ever that I remember, nor did he call to congratulate me on the birth of Max. I don’t know why I let him get to me. My older sister recently went to a psychic who claimed that my dad’s dad came to her and told her that we have a year or so to make our peace with him and that we shouldn’t judge him too harshly because my dad did better than he (my grandpa) did and my grandpa did better than his dad. He said something to the affect that you can’t be angry at someone for not being able to build a boat, or play the piano, or whatever, if they were never taught how. Intellectually, I know this is true and that he did the best he could. I really believe that. But, his best sucked most of the time. I am not so angry with him for what happened growing up. I am angry with him for not standing up to his second wife. She is controlling and manipulative. Personally, I don’t see how he stands it. We are never allowed to see him with out her and the time we are give are crumbs. For example, on one of his last trips to California he was here for about 10 days. The entire visit was spent with her family and son that lived here at the time. My sisters and I were given the opportunity, at the very last minute, to spend about 3 hours of that 10 days. I had prior plans that had been on the schedule for at least 6 weeks and chose not to change them. Yes, I am angry. I’m not sure if I am supposed to make peace with him or myself over this in the next year, but I am not sure I can do it.

It’s funny in an ironic sort of way that people go on and on about how “boys need their fathers” to grow up healthy and secure. The book I am reading “Raising Boys without Men”, by Peggy Drexler confirms what I have suspected -- women, by themselves, are capable of raising boys, without an in home father, who are secure and confident. Why hasn’t anyone done any studies on “girls needed their fathers”? I would put money that it would show, by in large, girls are affected more by not having a strong positive male role model than boys. Maybe it is just me and my personal experience.

Anyway, between the work situation and the call from my dad (not to mention the fact that I still haven’t made a nanny/day care decision and I am running out of time), I have been a bit out of sorts the last day or so. This is affecting my sleep which is already limited. It is a bad cycle that I need to break very soon. I’ve been contemplating hiring a baby sitter for a few hours so I can get some me time, but I just haven’t been able to make that call. I also haven’t called my PCP to make an appointment to get a referral for a dermatologist to check out all of the skin flaps and growths that appeared/grew while I was pregnant; or my accountant to ask about tax implications of hiring a nanny and why they have to be considered and employee vs. an independent consultant; or the oncologist to schedule a blood draw for Lucky to check whether she is still in remission; etc. I still have not looked at my budget; or sent out thank you cards for all the gifts received after Max was born; or looked into tickets to Michigan for Thanksgiving where I am going to, hopefully, have Max baptized; etc. What have I been doing? Having F-U-N!! Max and I have been on the go meeting up with friends for lunches and dinners and general visits. Between caring for Max and my socializing, time is scarce. Ah, the choices we make. Right now, I am choosing fun over the every day structured reality which is right around the corner and trying to crash in to my new mommy glow. I’m telling myself not to let it, but the anxiety and unsettled feeling is lingering just below the surface.