Wee hour worries

It is 3:30 ish am and I have been up since 2 am. We just had a thunderstorm roll through. This is very, very rare in So. Cal. This is so rare that I can’t ever remember it happening before. We only had the lightening and thunder at my place, but there was supposed to be heavy rainfall and hail with it just east of here. I can tell you that my little Lucky was less than thrilled with this thunder thing and cuddled with me with her rapid heartbeat and shaking body. You would think the change in pressure from the storm or something would be enough to put me into labor, huh? No such luck at least so far.

I was actually already awake when the storm started. I guess the cramping earlier was just another tease. After posting last night I took a warm bath and then called my doula for reassurance that I really would be able to tell at some point that labor had actually began. She reminded me that contractions have a beginning, middle, and end. And, that she could tell by my voice that I wasn’t in labor. She said it wasn’t outside the relm of possibility that I would just deliver without warning, but it is extremely rare, like the one in one hundred million women who doesn’t even realize she is pregnant until she delivers at home rare. I would have felt better if I had been told there was no way it could happen, but will settle for most unlikely. I lay there concentrating on the cramps trying to determine if there was a break between them that I was missing. The next thing I new it was about 90 min. later and I was waking up to pee.

If I could talk to my OB right now, I would ask her the following questions:
1) By waiting and not inducing am I causing the baby any harm and what is the likelihood that the baby is in distress and I don’t know it.
2) Is there a problem or could there be with the fact that I have been so dilated and effaced for so long without actually going into labor?
3) How concerned should I be with pre-eclempsia? Yes, we talked about this at my last visit and she read off a list of symptoms like shortness of breath, dizziness, blurry vision, etc. I have had none of that and she told me not to worry. That was fine then, now I am grasping at things to worry about and I have been gaining weight quickly, swelling a bit, and my blood pressure (upper number) has been borderline the last few weeks.

This is becoming a mind game and I think I am starting to lose my calm composure.

Having a good friend and labor coach who is a pediatrician and NICU dr. is a blessing most of the time. Yet, subtle questions like “Are you feeling the baby move?” can bring on more worry. My response was yes, as much as normal, which is less than it is suppose to be according to the 10 kicks per hour guideline that I have never felt. Going on to add, I have been checking the heartbeat on a regular basis and it is normal. Then, asking, why are you asking and do I REALLY want to know? Apparently she and her NICU buddies are concerned that I haven’t gone into active labor yet after being so dilated and effaced. They think there may be some problem. The baby could have pooped and taken in maconium, which would be bad, and there is no way to tell until delivery because the movement and heartbeat would be normal. Great! I remind her that I am still at least a week/week and a half before my EDD. I’m told it doesn’t matter, it could still be a problem and, in my shoes, she/they (her NICU buddies) would induce ASAP, just in case. I remind myself that day in and day out, they deal with the problems. They only attend the high risk births. They see every scenario of what can go wrong. Yet, they sure have more training than me. What if they are right? Since my goal is to have a live, healthy baby out of this, is it worth the risk?

Another valid point is why am I so set on having a “natural” birth when there was nothing “natural” about the way I conceived. I can’t answer that right now.

On the other hand, after extensive reading and talking to my doula, I am told to trust my body. It will know what to do and I will go into active labor when my body and the baby is ready. Most of me really does believe that which is why I am sitting here typing this instead of being induced last week and already having my baby here. But, what if the books and doula are wrong? What if my body doesn’t really know what to do? Or, when it does decided to do it I end up with a fast labor and an unwanted home birth or something like that?

Other than my doula, I can’t think of one person who doesn’t think I should call my dr. tomorrow and ask to go in for a progress check and/or ask to be induced. Am I just being too stubborn and/or ignorant? Why am I holding on to letting my body do its job in spite of my worries?

I’m scared to call and scared not to. If I get this far and lose the baby in childbirth, I will never forgive myself. I’ll always be wondering if it was my fault and if I had induced when recommended it would have a different outcome.

Yet, probably everything is fine. Probably. I am still a week away from my due date. How much longer am I willing to take the risk, just in case?

Round and round the thoughts and arguments go in my head in these wee hours of the morning. Questions with no answers. Paranoia and fear. Indecision on what is best. My gut telling me one thing and my brain telling me another.

I really wish I go into active labor soon. I’m not sure I can take the worry and self doubt.