Major Melt Down #2

I had major melt down number two today. I know I haven’t told you about the first melt down or the birth story yet. Hopefully, one day soon. There just aren’t enough hours in the day right now to get everything done. I should be sleeping or paying bills or something productive, but thought I would just check in to let you know that Max and I are still here and alive. His bilirubin levels (jaundice) have continued to rise and he is now on home phototherapy. He looks like an alien baby with a photo pad strapped to his back and another one on his belly with him sandwiched in between. I have been taking him for daily blood draws. On a scale of bad things to happen, this is so minor as to barely register, still with the lack of solid sleep, extra hormones, and fierce protective love I feel for this little guy, I have been an emotional wreck this afternoon/evening. If I thought about it too much, my teary eyes could turn into another major cry fest. Of course, this will solve nothing except to make my headache worse.

I would just like one whole day to have no where to go, nothing to do, and no one to see. I just want to lay around naked in bed cuddled skin to skin with Max. There is just so much to do that only the bare minimum basics are getting done and even that is a major chore that just takes all day. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom with the highs and the lows and the in betweens. I don’t and never expected it to be all sunshine and roses. I think I just underestimated the intensity of the emotions. Mostly, I just want Max to be okay and to stop having to get daily pricks in the heel.

I know that nothing I have done or not done has caused this jaundice. I have done the absolute best I could with feeding him as frequently as they would like (every 2 – 3 hours during the day and every 3 – 4 hours at night) and getting him in the sun as much as possible. Yet, his numbers continue to rise. He is not in pain or suffering (except for those daily heel blood draws), for that I am grateful. It is just sometimes overwhelming and emotional.

On another note, please send thoughts and prayers to my friend M. She went in for her second u/s today and didn’t see a heartbeat. I am so sad for her. Her D&C is scheduled for tomorrow. This is her 4th pregnancy and miscarriage, the first one with a heartbeat. I was so hoping this would result, finally, in her baby. There is just no fairness or justice in this world. She has tried harder and longer than anyone I know to have a baby. My heart just breaks for her. Max’s jaundice is so minor in comparison it isn’t funny. I pray that she has the emotional strength and fortitude to morn and grieve and eventually decide the next best path for her. Please God, let M get her baby some way some how. She will make a terrific mother.

I am so tired and my eyes are so sore from crying that I can’t even see straight right now so I think I will go lay down for a few minutes before it is time for the next feeding. I hope this is coherent and articulates what I wanted. More one day soon.