Childish and Immature

I don’t usually stoop so low, but I just couldn’t help myself tonight. I lowered my standards and resorted to childish and immature behavior. While I am a tad disappointed in myself, I can’t truly say I am sorry or that I regret it. Here’s what happened. I’m out walking my dogs trying to walk extra bouncy in another desperate attempt to get labor started when Shadow pooped. I picked it up and started walking on when the owner of the house comes out and starts yelling at me for “letting” my dog pee and poop in her yard. In the future, she would appreciate it if I didn’t allow this to happen. I asked, where are they “suppose” to go and noted that I did pick up after my dog. Apparently, that is not the point and they are supposed to only go in my own back yard like her dogs. Really, the details get a bit foggy around now and I don’t know what I said to her, I think it may have been “F You, you can’t be serious”. I then proceeded to dump the poop out of the bag, back onto her yard and walked away. Usually, I can just let things like this go and move on. Not tonight. I am on edge. I did try to take a nap, but it didn’t happen. I am operating on three hours of sleep and executing to a “get labor started plan” that isn’t going well at all. Like I said, I really shouldn’t have done it and am not proud of my behavior, but still can’t really believe that women got so upset and yelled at me in the first place. What ever.

I’m running out of time on the have the baby today plan. My OB did call me back and said that while it was a bit odd that I still haven’t gone into labor it is unlikely that there is any problem. The biggest risk with me being so far dilated without active labor is that it will likely go fast when it does happen. She said if I wanted to come in earlier to be checked or for induction, just to let her know. She would want to be induced at this point, but it was my decision and not a problem either way. Really, there is no point in being checked unless I am going to be induced. I am seriously thinking about it for either tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest if things don’t get started around here. My current appointment is on Thursday, but my coach has to work so I told her I would try to switch it to either Wednesday or Friday instead. Wednesday makes more sense since my cousin is still here so that she can deal with everything while I am in the hospital and be here to bring me home and help a bit before she has to leave next Monday. If I am going to go in on Wednesday, then why not one day earlier on Tuesday and just be done with it.

Yet, my logic isn’t as sound as it could be as noted by the childish behavior displayed earlier so I want to wait until tomorrow to really decide. I’m just mulling it over right now.

Plus, I haven’t given up hope entirely that I may go into labor tonight. Although, it really isn’t looking good and I only have 4 hours left to have a kid born on 8/15 which is exactly 6 months apart from my 2/15 Birthday.

The only person who really isn’t in favor of me inducing is my doula and while, if I do go through with the induction, I briefly considered lying and telling her I was going in cause I thought my water was leaking and they decided to induce I realized that really I have paid her good money and it is my labor and really I should be able to do it my way, guilt free. I do think she will support me even if she doesn’t really understand or agree. Oh well. I’m not going to decide for sure until tomorrow.

I should go and scrub the walls in my bedroom or something, but I’m not sure I have it in me. I am actually not feeling that tired at the moment, but feel like I have done all I can today to make this happen. My nipples are sore and can’t take any more stimulation. I don’t think I could even bring myself to another O if I tried. I have walked twice today. Tried to stand or sit as much as possible except for that brief two hours when I tried to take a nap, but didn’t fall asleep so tried “other” means to get things going. Got a manicure/pedicure, went shopping, went out to eat. Not much more left to try, but more of the same and not sure that I am up for it right now.