And, here's your sign...(edited)

I got a lot of things done today, very little of it work that I get paid to do.

You should have seen Max's eyes and face light up when he walked in and saw his train table in the middle of the family room floor. I got a few pictures and tried to do some video, but drat the battery was dead and is now charging. You will have to imagine the sound affects..choo, choo train...CHOO CHOO...railro tracks train. I would only be slightly exaggerating if I said it took up half my family room. I put out a few trains, but am going to save the bulk of them to wrap and give him on his birthday. He has done nothing but play and explore the table since he walked in. I am so, so glad that I splurged and got him this. Now, I just have to make space for it someplace. I ended up getting it today and good thing I did, because I had to take out Max's car seat to get it to fit. Yeah momma!






Notice how he is checking it out from all sides and angles?

I decided to move sperm today as I was down to one vial at the clinic and to go in for an u/s to see what is growing. Today is cd10. I really struggled with whether to go in or not, but thought that waiting until Monday might be too late. So, I called around 10 and made an appointment for early this afternoon, called the sperm bank to see if I could use their tank, called the lady selling me the train to see if I could come today and headed out.

Tell, me, would any of these be a sign that you have been going to your clinic too long?

a) When the medical director sees you added to the schedule, he surprises you by coming in and doing your u/s.
b) You tell him, that you want to trade out his "wand" for one like Harry Potters and when he's in there he should shoot some magic up there because you are tired of dismal results and it can only help.
c) When we agree you need to come back in Monday, he and the nurse tell just to come on in any time and they will fit you in.
d) When you are in visiting with the office manager/financial coordinator and receptionist about your u/s results, they tell you they don't want more money from you they want you pregnant.
e) all of the above.

Very nice visit. Very nice day.

And, you will never believe this. I have a total of 4 follicles -- 3 on the left and 1 on the right. This is a completely unmedicated cycle. When we saw the follicle on the right and I told him that my right ovary has produced a follicle since October 2004, he took a picture of it for me. The right was about 9.5 and likely won't make it. Two of the follicles on the left were 13 and there was a smaller one at 7 something. Can you just believe that? This is the most activity my ovaries have done in years when taking meds back when my body used to somewhat respond to them. My lining wasn't that great at 7 something, but it has a week to catch up so should be fine. So, back on Monday to see how things are progressing and when to trigger. Now, the odds are that the eggs are crap, but still I'm just thrilled with them. Hey, it is more than zero and more than one. Best u/s I have had in forever.

While I was doing all this and playing hooky from work, my boss only called me 3 - 4 times to talk about a salary increase for one of my employees and by the time I got back, he was already gone for the day/week as he is on Eastern time. Sigh. I should have told him I would be out and to call me on my cell, but most of the time no one misses me. Oh well, I updated the tool and will talk to him on Monday. It will be fine.

All worth it. Maybe this is a sign that my luck is about to change? Could this be my magic cycle?

ETA: My son is hilarious. He asked me what every part of the train set was. What's this? That's the train tracks. What's this? That's the bridge. What's this? That's the crane. What's this? That's the windmill and they white part spins. What's this? That's where the trains rest and go night night. And, I just noticed that he put all the trains I put out, including the helicopter in the little building "to bed" ... on their sides so they are lying down...to sleep. LOL. Oh, he does amuse me.

Magic and Fantasy

*** Note: no spoilers here, safe to read if you haven't yet picked up or finished the new Harry Potter book***

I've always liked the idea of magic. Even as a child, I was never a big TV watcher, but Bewitched was my favorite TV show then. Did you know they are doing reruns of it, The Partridge Family, I Dream of Genie, and I think one more of the oldies? I don't remember the station/channel, but I have caught it a few times.

I always wanted to have magical powers. I dreamed of being a witch. I would have loved that.

I read The Hobbit series young and have the box set paper back collection. I have re-read it several times in my life. I was thrilled when they brought it to the big screen. I own all three DVD's and they have been watched a few times each.

I liked Star Wars and have the old videos of them that get re-watched every few years. Although, I don't have the newest one and don't think I have seen it. And, when did that come out? Years ago?

I never did get into Star Trek much. Never was a Trekkie. Don't know why. Just didn't. I guess I'm not much one for obsessions and such.

I have really enjoyed the Harry Potter series. I actually don't own any of the books, but do own all of the DVDs out thus far. Yet, I know that I actually will buy the set at some point in the future and re-read them all. I actually tried to do that before looking to see if the recent book was available from the library, but they are not yet available as a set yet.

Anyway, I finished the book yesterday. There's one part at the end that I have a question about, but it is really a minor detail. The author is a really great story teller with a wonderful imagination. In a way, I'm envious. I would love to have such a mind, a talent if you will, to think up stories like Harry Potter, Bewitched, The Hobbit, Star Wars almost as much as I would love, still today...maybe even more today...to have magical powers.

And, if I did have such powers, the first thing I would is fix the leak in my kitchen sink. Sigh. I just don't want to have to deal with it any other way.

I think one of the reasons I like books in general is because they take you away from reality for a bit into another world. My favorite class in college was this popular fiction class where we had to read something like 10 - 13 books that semester in every genre. It was great. I "had" to read the books...for class...at a time when reading for fiction and pleasure wasn't the norm as I was carrying a full school load and working anywhere from 1 - 3 jobs.

I just love, love, love a good story. A well written and well told story just can't be beat. I think that is why I get so bothered sometimes when Max doesn't seem to be the "reader" or have the interest in books that others do. Yet, I remind myself that he is still so young. There is still time as he gets older. And, by reading myself, for pleasure, I set the best example of all.

I'll make sure the library gets the Harry Potter book back today even though I can have it until Monday so someone else can get the pleasure of reading it.

I know some are really sad that the series is over. I'm not. It is a good story that will always be there to be re-read and re-enjoyed in the future. I hope that is a story that Max and I can enjoy it along with many others when he gets older. I'd love to read it to him one day and have him enjoy it as much as I have. Then, to read it himself at some point just for the pure pleasure of a good, well written and well told story.

I'll dream of magical powers for awhile and wish that I had them. All part of the magic.

Shhhh

Not only is Max still sleeping (Thank you Max, really needed that extra hour this morning), but I want to talk about his birthday present.

Here it is....

Reply to: sale-37xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-21, 9:13AM PDT


Thomas the Tank Engine 3'x4' Train Table with full track glued down with many accessories including matching chair, backpack and more than 35 train cars.

This table has been well loved and is in good condition.

$200 firm. Buyer must pick up train table in xxxxxxxxxx.








Now, I don't actually have possession of it yet, but she did say she would hold it for me. We have a time set on Saturday for me to get it and I have her address and phone number and directions to her house so I think I am set.

I'm so happy. I think this will be perfect and he will love it. I could never afford right now to get all this new for him and actually, I'm much happier it isn't and the tracks and everything are glued. This will make it easier and nicer for both of us.

I've been watching ebay and craigslist for weeks now. I've bid on another set on ebay and inquired on a few other craigslist items that I either never heard back on or were sold. But, actually, I like the one I am getting the absolute best of all the ones I've seen.

I'm so happy she is holding it for me. She told me she had someone coming on Sunday to look and get it if it wasn't sold and she had other emails of people interested. I was so worried it would get sold before I could go, because I can't get there until Saturday. I told her I was very interested and it would be perfect for my sons 2nd birthday and that I just couldn't get there sooner, but would see if I could get a friend who lived closer. And, she said she would hold it, that she liked the idea of it being someones 2nd Birthday present. I'm so happy. This is the second thing I've bought off a craigslist (my bowling ball gaze ball for $5 that I gave her $10 for since she met me halfway) and both sellers have been just so wonderful.

In other news, Max is either dead or still sleeping. I'll go with the latter. While this extra sleep the last few days has been nice, it worries me...only because I know what will happen next. He will go the opposite and wake up extra early and need very little sleep for a few days until it stabilizers out. That is, if the pattern holds.

And, I'm on page 650 out of 759 of the Harry Potter book. Don't want to pick it back up now because the action was good/intense when I put it down last night knowing I just had to get some sleep. When I pick it back up, I want to be able to read and concentrate without interruption on the last but. So, tonight. I should finish it tonight.

Have I mentioned how happy I am about Max's Birthday present? I'll get it Saturday. It is probably an hour away, but was heading that way anyway. Of course, pick up time is in the middle of Max's nap. Ugh. But, as much as I try to avoid disruption to his schedule, I just can't always. And, he will likely be in his need less sleep part of the pattern. Getting this for him will make it worth it.

Okay, I think I hear Max stirring.

I think he will love his birthday present too!

Catchup and Pear Juice

Catchup and Pear Juice. MMMMMM MMMMMMM. Yes, that is what Max ate for breakfast today. No, this is not, exactly, what he was served, it is just what he ate from that which he was served. Okay, to be fair, I think he also ate 3 slices of pare before just drinking the juice and asking for more.

The scene....

I open the fridge to pull out stuff for Max's breakfast. I was going from something quick and simple since I stayed up late reading...you know...Harry Potter. As soon as the fridge door opened. Max climbed in and pulled out the bottle of catchup and took it to the table. I made him a plate of turkey and tortilla and cream cheese with a side bowl of pares. He added the catchup (with a little help).

Oh well, I decided early on that I wasn't going to have food battles with Max. All I can do is serve him well balanced meals most of the time, what he chooses to eat he chooses to eat.

But, I did have to laugh at the combination...yuck....both from a taste perspective for breakfast and as lots of catchup and juice ended up all over him. He was using his fingers to eat the catchup and drinking from the bowl (good practice, he doesn't quite have it mastered yet, but is getting better) so some ended up down his front and on his legs.

I ate some crab pasta salad that I made last night from a recipe from a party I attended this weekend. Yum Yum. Way better than catchup and pear juice for breakfast.

So, what did you eat for breakfast?

Careful

Careful. That's what Max said this evening as he jumped off the rocking chair in his room and hurled himself at me as I was reading him a book before bed. Thank goodness, I turned to look over my shoulder at why he said that and was able to turn a bit so he landed over my shoulder and I could catch him. The good news is that he has been much more interested in books before bed. I think he has finally figured out what a good stall tactic that is to delay bedtime a bit and he hasn't been as tired before bed as he slept an hour late today and took another 4 hour nap. Can anyone say growth spurt?

This is the same boy who a bit earlier called "mommy" to get my attention, looked me straight in the eye and burped with a smile on his face and when I reminded him he should say excuse me when he burps just laughed.

During a boring work meeting today, on a whim, I did a search on the new Harry Potter book in the Los Angeles Public Library and they had a copy at a branch near me. Actually, they had 4 copies available when I looked and were down to one by the time the meeting ended when I called to double check availability. But, they were able to hold it for me and I rushed out. So, I have less than 7 days to get the book read and returned since it is so in demand. If I'm not around, you will no where I am spending my free time.

And, remember, ....careful. Ha ha. Yes, he has heard that word quite a bit in fact.

Hypothetical Questions

Quess who was playing with the camera?










I think he may have some talent. Don't you think the pictures are a bit "artsy"?

Do you think Nikki is starting to feel comfortable here?

This is where I found Nikki this morning when we came home from a whirl wind tour around the city.

Do you think these are signs your weekend was too busy?

1) On Sunday afternoon, you take a 2 hour nap and your son takes a 4 hour one (and counting).

2) A friend you haven't seen much of lately comes over with her kids to swim and you aren't here to see them. Note: She knew we wouldn't be here as we had previous plans, but they were at loose ends and it was a hot day. And, hey, someone to visit, entertain the dogs.

Do you think we have been to Travel Town too much lately? ...when the Engineer upon boarding today says, "So, you just can't stay away from this place?" as he recognizes us. We were there yesterday for a planned trip with a neighbor and stopped by on the way home to stretch our legs while we were on the way back from taking Nana to the airport and going to visit a friend who is in the hospital. Yes, Max continues to love the place!!! I'm sure we have many more visits in our future.

Nikki

I've been fostering Nikki for a little over a week now. Things are going well and Shadow seems to have perked up a bit with her around. I was asked to take a few pictures of her and do a little write up.

Here it is....






Nikki is a 10 year old lady with a few groans and a bit of arthritis, but very friendly and easy going. She does great with other dogs, young children, and cats. She’s a natural born flirt and sparkles/shines with male (human) attention. She walks nicely on leash and very patient when walking with a slower 16 year old dog and a young 2 year old boy, but is also happy with a brisk stroll. When she sees a tennis ball, she’ll try to talk you into a short game of fetch/keep away with a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face. She’s housebroken, but doesn’t seem to have been trained to use a doggy door. She’s a great companion. She’s happy to take whatever love and attention you can give her or lay near you while you go about your day.








Note: The towels and stuff are all over the floor because Shadow can't walk without slipping on the tile anymore. So, we live with towels and such all over so she can get around.

45 minutes

That is how much time my dad, his second wife, and their son (my half brother who is around 12 years old, I think) graced us with their presences today. Apparently, in 15 days while they are here, that is the only amount of time they could squeeze us in...while they were on the way back from spending the day with my youngest sister at the beach (who pitched a fit last time they came into town a few years ago when they only had time for a cup of coffee with her) on their way back to her sisters where they are staying. Of course, they were supposed to be here around 6 pm at the latest and didn't get here until right before Max's bedtime. It felt like such a duty visit, an obligation, that I wish they wouldn't have even bothered. I actually would have let Max stay up a bit later to spend time with them and he was pretty wound up by then with visitors so late. Max was actually very charming and well behaved with very good listening skills while they were here. Even though I told Max who they were, he doesn't really understand yet. Still it was hard when I was explaining that they had to go bye-bye and he said, no, and pointed to the chair for them to sit back down. I guess I am supposed to be honored that they gave us any time (they have actually come into town and not told us or tried to see us at all, because you know, her family is much more important). They spent most of the time telling me how busy they were and all. It just left me feeling sad and emotional.

cd1, again

And, so begins another cycle. I'm fine, really. Sad, yes. But, fine.

Max's nanny is bugging the heck out of me lately. And, I don't think it is just me being in a bad mood or more critical. For example, she came late on Monday, in her husbands car, without Max's car seat, didn't want to drive my car, and was upset that I didn't have time to move the car seat from my car (and neither of us trust her to install it properly herself). She let Max cry in his crib for over 10 minutes when he woke up early for his nap, until I stopped working and went to get him, while she sat at the table doing nothing. Yes, there are a lot of other things that bug me, that are little and I will own or don't matter in the whole scheme of things, but these are things I don't need right now.

I have checked out a few more pre-schools. So far, not in love with any of them. Like pieces here and there, but nothing enough that I'm ready to enroll Max or commit.

Work is busy and basically sucks right now. I can't get into details.

Then, there is the whole fertility thing or lack of fertlility.

Life is not horrible.

I have a wonderful son. My fountain in the backyard is working and I have been able to sit and relax in my backyard admiring the fruits of my labor and the beautiful flowers. I have a job.

I feel really good about being a foster home for the Golden Retriver rescue, but that is hard in away as well. I purposly didn't agree didn't want to take in labs because both Lucky and Shadow were/are part labs and I figured that would have been too hard. Yet, I have found taking in any dog a bit hard. It still makes me miss Lucky more than I thought. And, I find it incredibly hard to understand how families can turn in their dogs as sweet as the two I have fostered. I just don't get it. Nikki has almost been here a week now. She and Shadow are doing little jockeying for alpha dog status. Nikki will take Shadow's bed when she gets up. Shadow will do the same. Nikki will try to block Shadow from getting to me by laying in the middle of the hall so she can't get past. Little subtle things, nothing bad, just kind of funny. I had to take Nikki in to get a microchip ID tag yesterday. She was so nervous. Okay, most dogs tend to get nervous going to a vets, but Nikki was so happy she wasn't left there and got to come home with me again. I hope they find a really great family for her soon as it will be hard not to get too attached.

I have plenty of things to do. A stack of bills and paperwork that has been at least a month, maybe longer, that I need to tackle. I need to get in my application for the rebates from my laptop. I need to make an dentist appointment for Max and make a Vet appointment for Shadow. Things like that. And, I'm so not motivated.

Anyway, my plan for the month is to go in for an u/s if/when I feel a follicle around cd13 or so and trigger/do an IUI. No stims for me this month. No labs.

I'm down to one vial at the clinic so need to move sperm this month which is a pain, but must be done.

I've looked at a few egg donor databases and decided that to finance a DE cycle I will likely refinance, but haven't yet/am not ready yet to take actual action. I'm getting closer, but not ready yet. Maz is now 23 months. I weaned him at 7 months and started trying at 8 months. I guess that is only 15 months of trying. It feels so much longer. I'm tired. I want another baby already. I guess I should say I want another child. All trace of babyhood is completely gone in Max. He is a baby no more.

Officially negative, again....

Not unexpected, but still sad/disappointing. I'm not having a good day on so many levels.

Vent

I know I said I was going to take a Tylenol PM and a warm bath and then head to bed. I did both, but made a quick phone call to a friend to tell her about a show that I saw last night in the middle of the night when I was up not sleeping because I thought she would like it. She had seen it and did like it. In the course of the conversation, we started talking about something I needed to pick up before next weekend and how I would likely need to do it on Sunday morning and miss church again because that was really going to be the only time. Which got us on the the subject of naps and the topic about which I need to vent.

She asked me why I just didn't take Max and let him sleep in the stroller. I explained because Max wouldn't sleep in the stroller. She went on to tell me how her sister used to do it all the time with her daughter and it worked out fine; how her daughter just got used to it. I tried to explain that was great and probably worked because of her neices temperment and before I could finish my point she cut in and started to say how she wasn't critizizing me or my parenting. I responded that I didn't feel critizized, but I just didn't agree with what she was saying and she cut in and said I got to go and hung up on me.

I have to say, it really upset me and pissed me off. I'm fine with her having her point of view and probably would have thought the same thing before I had Max if I ever even gave it a thought which I don't think I did. I really didn't feel critizized. I'm upset because she got so upset and angry that she hung up without me getting to finish my point and the reasons I felt the way did.

No maybe, probably, I should of just shut up and let her think I was agreeing with her instead of telling her I disagreed, but you know...I just didn't feel like it. I don't agree with her. I do think that some kids do just fine with this approach and can either not nap or nap where ever they are. And, I think that some kids, like mine, can't and won't. If I took Max out every day, he would not get used to it and sleep. He would just get overtired and I would have more behavior problems and tantrums and more sleepless nights (because of Max as opposed to sleepless nights for other reasons). I've done reading and research on this. He is my child and I think I know him best. I have tried it the other way on occassion when I have had to for some reason and while travelling and have seen the consequences which is why I am so firm about a regular nap and a regular bedtime. I never thought I would be this way, but I am because my child needs this. Give me some credit for knowing and understanding my situation and my son. I am not her sister and Max is not her niece. It is really great that her sister was able to do this. I'm happy for her. It just would not work for Max and I. There is no doubt in my mind. None.

I would have told her this had she let me finish and not hung up on me.

And the reason I should have just let it go and let it go is that she and I met years ago during the cycle I got pregnant with Max. We were going to the same clinic and had the same RE and moved our sperm on the same day. We were on the exact same protocol. I was cancelled for no response, converted to IUI and got pregregnat with Max. She overstimed, got OHSS, needed to be hospitalized, and didn't and hasn't gotten pregnant. She would desperatly love a child and is planning to start trying again in the fall with her boyfriend. I should have let it go.

Okay, vent over. Must run. Max just woke up screaming and my laptop is almost out of battery power so must post before I loose this.

Ugh!

I'm in pain here folks. I have a pinched nerve or pulled muscle in my right shoulder/neck for the last few days. My chiropractor is out this week. Went to see my acu and she worked on me. Still not feeling that great. She gave me a lecture, after I told her I took some Tylenol last night (because I haven't been sleeping the last two nights because of this) about how I should be putting toxins like this into my body during a 2ww. You know what, I'm going to do it again in a few minutes. I can barely move my neck and arm. I'm sure being on the computer for the last hour or so hasn't helped. Ugh! I hate this. Going to take a Tylenol PM (which Dr. N has told me is just fine to take in a 2ww) and then a warm bath which kind of sucks since it is so warm out to see if I can make it bearable enough to sleep. Just wanted to complain for a minute.

ps. All the gardening and work that probably contributed to this situation was worth the pain. Sitting out in my back yard while typing this and just really enjoying the fruits of my labor. And, I think I fixed the leak/crack in my foutain. I'll need to check it tomorrow mornign to make sure, but it all looks pretty good tonight.

Update

Work wasn't so bad today. I attended a few meetings and got through most of my email and that was about it.

Kristen, my first foster, was adopted today. She is going to a really great family that will love her and give her all the attention she needs. I'm so happy for her.

I got a new foster dog Nikki (sp?). I'd post a picture of her, but I don't have one and am too tired to take one and of load it to the computer right now. She's older (estimated about 10) and was found on a construction sight, but is well (and recently) groomed, well fed, and probably well taken care of since she isn't as needy as Kristen was. They think she is just lost or someone was watching her while her family is on vacation and are going to try to find her owners first before trying to adopt her out.

Max seemed to like and be happier with the younger, more energetic Kristen. I'm not feeling as overwhelmed with the older Nikki. While yesterday I was thinking no way could I take on another dog. Today, it seems much more manageable if it is the right dog. I'm not adopting another dog soon. Really. I swear. I think Shadow likes Nikki a bit better too. Shadow has/is laying closer to Nikki and interacting more with Nikki it appears. Shadow even came outside with us (I'm typing this at my new patio table looking at my new garden contemplating filling up my fountain with water to see if I sealed the cracks) and is laying right with us (and City Boy just joined us on the table). Anyway, two days into my fostering and on to my second dog. Still really glad I'm doing this.

I don't actually have a copy of them yet, but I got my lab results from Monday back verbally today. My progesterone was over 18 at 7 dpo. It was never that high with Max even when I got released from the RE to the OB. I don't have a 7 dpo number to compare since I never got a 7 dpo P4 in the cycle that resulted in Max. I only did it this time because I wanted to get the liver and kidney test since I was taking the Metformin. I was told that those test came back fine, but no details. However, my insulin was back up to the original number. Dr. Q wanted me to keep taking both the Avandia and the Metformin. I told the nurse coordinator, who was giving me the results, that it had gone down on the Avandia alone quite a bit and is now back up. We agreed that I would stop the Metformin for a month or two and retest to see if goes back down. Now, I did stop the dex, but likely that wouldn't affect it she said. Now, I didn't ask, but I had to wonder what a pregnancy could do to insulin levels. Dr. N told me once that pregnancy really affects and messes up cholesterol levels. Maybe it could do the same thing for insulin? This is where I reminded myself that I'm not going there and that this cycle is a bust. Yet, I am feeling crampy and tired and truth be told just a tad nauseous, especially when picking up all that extra dog poop. Ha, it's probably just hunger since I haven't eaten dinner yet.

You know what's funny and I realized today. I don't like dog poop in my yard. And, I most often don't have any. I walk the dogs twice a day and they poop on the walk. I pick it up and throw it out. These new dogs and Kristen's new brother (who was a poop machine while he was here) are not on board with this. Sigh.

Anyway, one more work day left in the week. Two more days till my party. Four more days until beta.

Back to Work

Sadly, my vacation is officially over and I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm tired. Physically and in a good way. I got so much done. Basically everything I wanted to in the yard/gardening. I did several things with Max and spent more time with him during the day. I was able to hang out with him during his lunch and putting him down for his nap before heading out for errands and spending more time with him in the late afternoon.

I got my first K9 foster dog today as planned and spent the afternoon giving her a bath and all the pets flea and tick treatments and her some extra TLC. Max absolutely adores her. She was here when he woke up from his nap and he got giddy excited and "played" with her all afternoon, even offered her some of his precious "la la juice" (Orange) that he rarely gets. But, it reinforced my decision that I'm not ready to add another pet to the family right now. I'm very happy to foster and feel really good about being able to help, but not ready to take on a full commitment. Her name is Kristen. Yes, I thought it was OTI (which I thought was a bit odd, but hey), but it turns out that OTI stands for owner turn it...lol..looks like a whole new lingo I need to learn. I'm only suppose to have Kristen for a day or two. A family is supposed to come by tomorrow afternoon to meet her and possibly adopt her. If not, the person who "rescued" Kristen said she has 3 other families interested in her.

Anyway, I barely got to sit down and relax on this vacation. I was hoping for a few hours here and there, but that didn't really happen. I'm fine with that. I feel like I made good use and got so much accomplished that I am proud of myself and what I have done.

Now, I have two days of work to catch up on. Then, I'm hosting a party on Saturday afternoon. Then, hopefully a day of rest with no big plans. And, then, life gets back to the normal routine. Whatever that is.

Yeah, yeah, I know I have said this before, but given the choice and money not being an issue, I would so be a stay at home mom in a second. I wish every day and every week could be a vacation day. I really do (mostly) like my job, but...even as much as I accomplished this last week, there is more I could do and just regular life stuff. Back to work and "reality" tomorrow.

Travel Town Pics

Here us a photobook of our trip to Travel Town last Saturday where Max had his first train ride. Sadly, there are no photo's of that or the train itself, only of Max climbing on a "open" train where he ate lunch and against the fence waiting for the train to come again.

Free MySpace slideshows, photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Foster Momma

Looks like I am going to be a foster momma for the first time tomorrow for Oti. I'm only supposed to have her for a few days. She is being turned in by one family tomorrow and the new family is supposed to adopt her on Thursday or Friday. I had my home visit on Saturday and was approved to be a foster home for dogs from the Golden Retriever Club of Greater Los Angeles Rescue and I already have a placement. With a dog, a cat, a kid, and working from home full time, I seem to be a very good foster home for these dogs as they make the transition. I'm looking forward to it.

7 dpo

Today is 7 dpo and if implantation had occured, assuming there was anything to implant, it would be complete by now. I had blood drawn today for progesterone, some kidney and liver blood tests for the metformin I'm on, and I added a fasting insulin test just to see how things are going.

The funny thing is I went out to lunch today with a friend who was running late and ordered and drank 2/3's of a glass of sangria before I remembered I was in a 2ww, then decided to finish it off anyway. I also sat in a 95 degree jucuzzi yesterday with Max at a pool party.

Taking the anti-2ww to far? Ha, no way this last cycle worked.

Vacation has been going well. Just busy with home and gardening projects, social engagments, and Max. Two more days. Yeah. Took a break from gardening this morning due to errands and attend Max's music class which was nice. Then, went and bought another $100 worth of plants to get in the ground between now and Wednesday.

I'm proud of myself for building a new table top for my glass patio table that broke in the winds earlier in the year. I just didn't want to spend $300 to get the glass replaced (spent that on plants the last week) so I got some particle board, spray paint, and polyurithane cut it out with a jig saw. It looks pretty good for what I need except for the whole in the center which is slightly off. But, I bought a chissle today that I hope will fix it without damaging.

In addition the the music class today, I went to Max's MYGYM class on Friday. We went to the train depot on Saturday morning and had a grand time seing 3 trains go in and out. Sunday, we couldn't get motivated for church, but did so to go to Travel Town for the first time and Max had is first train ride. He absoultly loved it and didn't want to leave. He was in awe and quite during the train ride and when we walked around the big, real trains. Then, he started yelling "choo choo twain" to everyone he saw or "Cho cho twain. It's coming." when he heard the wistle with giddy excitment. It was so darn cute. We will be going back again soon.

Other than that, I'm amazed at how many rude people there are -- mom's, older children, and drivers. I don't really see that much working in my home office all the time. Thank goodness.

And, after not returning my phone calls, not coming by when he said he would, and such, the owner of the company who took out my trees came by so I could show him the sloppy work of his crew. They will be back tomorrow morning with him to take care of things. Whew, what a relief, because I was getting seriously angry about the situation. I'll spare you the most of the details, but still lots of roots, a whole in my stucco, reparing a PVC sprinkler line but not putting in a sprinkler head so no water getting to my grass and flowers, etc. Stuff I didn't notice right away.

Anyway, just haven't been on the computer much, kind of taking a break from that as well this vacation. All and all, things are going well and I'm glad I took this week, but didn't go away or make huge plans. My little plans have kept me busy enough.

Happy July 4th

Other than my current splitting headache which is likely weather/dehydration related and missing my dog Lucky who hated 4th of July and all of its fireworks and loud popping noises with a nervous passion, today may have been the perfect day. It was fairly low key with just the right amount of busy mixed in with a trip to the nursery for me and a trip to the train depot for Max in the morning and a visit from Nanna that included swimming, backyard play with the hose, and dinner out in the afternoon. Max is in his crib (late), the house is picked up, the dishwasher ready to run, and I'm ready to cuddle in with a good book. I couldn't have asked for a better day. And, it is my first day of vacation. I'm looking forward to tomorrow with a morning of gardening and a late lunch with a girlfriend with Friday's plans the same except with a different friend. Perfect.

The Anti-2ww

Way back in the beginning of my ttc efforts, I used to get a rush during and right after an IUI. After all, it could happen this time. I would envision the swimmers and egg meeting up like in the Look Who’s Talking movie. I would calculate about when conception would occur, if it was going to happen. I’d keep in mind the little embryo as it made its slow journey down the fallopian tubes towards a nice soft implantation.

How long ago that now seems and how far I have come.

After the IUI this morning while waiting there for the swimmers to settle in and start their race, all I wanted to do is get up and leave and/or cry. The receptionist was in by the time I left and wanted to know why I wasn’t my chipper self, but still I held the tears back as I explained that I was pissed because of my bodies response that was giving me every indication that it was time to give up and I still wasn’t ready yet. I managed to hold the tears back until I was walking away from the clinic down the hall and I heard one of them say “Poor Debbie”. Great, now I have the pity of the staff on top of everything else.

This cycle has so little chance of working that I am considering it a failure early and moving on. If it does happen to work, it will be even more of a miracle that my cycle that resulted in Max. I’ll still start progesterone in a few days for the minuet chance it did work since the chance is above zero, but mentally I’m moving on.

I’m not just being hormonal and pessimistic here. There are reasons and what I would consider good reasons to feel like the cycle in the crapper, so to speak.

Top 3 Reasons for an Anti-2ww
1) My eggs are old and crappy on the best of cycles with low Inhibin B, elevated Insulin, and such not helping matters. The odds of this month producing the good egg is even reduced from an already low probability with having after being on stims for 5 days with zero response and then getting a follicle.
2) The follicle had already ovulated, again, at the time of IUI this morning. This really f’ing pisses me off and blows to hell my working theory that I just missed my surge the last few months. No way would I have surged yet. The follicle was only 15 last Thursday. Assuming a growth of 2 per day which is typical for me, it would have been about 19 Saturday night at trigger and about 23 at ovulation. Four IUI’s ago, I was ovulating at time of insemination. The last 3 IUI’s, I had already ovulated prior to IUI, but I felt like it was probably close and that I may have missed my surge since I let the follicles get so big. No way that happened in this case. Now, I’m just pissed because it is just another sign that my body is screwed up and I should just give up my ttc efforts. It is another problem. It is not normal to ovulate, consistently, prior to 36 hours after trigger. It is a new pattern. I don’t understand it and I don’t like it, but I can tell you that it isn’t good news.
3) The IUI didn’t go well. The RE had a hard time with the insemination. They use a syringe that is inserted directly into the uterus that is held open via a specula like is used for a pap smear. The “plunger” didn’t work. He had to take it out and reinsert it. I have been spotting and cramping ever since. Spotting enough to stain my panties (as opposed to just being on TP when you wipe) and cramping enough to take an Advil (which is a “banned” pain killer while ttc) and that still barely reduced the cramping. I have done lots and lots and lots of IUI’s. I’d count them up, but am depressed enough right now. And, I’ve only had this happen on 1 IUI, my third, the one I talked Dr. N into doing earlier than he recommended after my myomectomy. Thus, I can only surmise that my body was not ready even though I had ovulated, possibly because the follicle was either not an egg producing one or it was not mature enough. Either way, trust me when I say it is again, not a good sign and further reduces the already terrible odds.

Don’t mind me, I’m just feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good with the cramping. Blah. So, I guess I am “technically” in a 2ww, but no way did this cycle work. I’ll take my p4 and get my blood draws, but there is no doubt in my mind that this was just a wasted vial of sperm and effort this month.

The green grass is growing.

The grass is growing and watered for the evening.

The trigger shot is complete.

Max is asleep in his crib.

The dog and cat are fed.

The dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the sink full of dirty ones.

The house reflects the fact that we were home much of the day* with toys and such lying in disorderly mess.

And, I am going to go curl up in bed with book leaving everything as it is until tomorrow.

Ta ta.

* One of the things we did today was go to a make up class for the Wednesday mommy and me gymnastic class Max usually goes to with his nanny. This is the class that has the teacher that thinks that all kids are born manipulators. It was a small class with just one other child/parent, which I actually think made it very nice. The other mom and I made a bit of small talk one of which was how old is your child. The teacher overheard when I told the other mom that Max would be 2 in August and she exclaimed, he's not yet two, that explains a lot. Now, I have told this teacher at least 3 if not 4 times that Max was still one, and tall and more grown up looking than his age. Amazing. I guess she was so into her own agenda when we talked that she didn't hear a word I said? Let's see if it sticks in her brain this time. Not holding my breath.

Schools

Man, do I know how to live large...my big vacation plans are gardening...and here I am up late on a Friday night because I am researching high schools for my not yet 2 year old. You can laugh because I am laughing at myself over here. I started the day by spending a few hours visiting a preschool that takes children at 2 and am ending the day by sending an email to the person in charge of admissions for a high school I'm thinking about for Max asking for feeder middle schools and the projected increase in tuition.

Man, I really like this high school. It is an all boys Catholic High School a reasonable distance from my house. The current tuition is just under $10k. Yikes. I can't help but compare the fact that a DE cycles is about 35 - 40K and at today's rates a high school education would cost about the same. Makes me think about what price you pay for an education or another child. Whew, I have expensive taste on big ticket items. How can I afford another child? I'm revising my ideal family size down from 3 to 2.

I like the preschool. I'm still not sure that I'm ready to put Max in a "school" just yet, especially for a full day and this school doesn't offer half days. The deadline for a September start is the end of July. I'm going to look around a bit more and will likely not be ready to make a decision by then. If I already had Max in full time daycare, I would move him to this school in a nano second. Since he is at home and I get to see him occasionally before or after nap time, I'm not sure I'm ready to change that just yet. The school was reasonably small. It seemed like it was well run with very little staff turnover and a highly trained staff. The kids appeared to have fun and were well behaved. The "academic" nature of the school sounded a bit hard core, but what I observed wasn't. I may go back to observe a class since during the summer they only "teach" on Tuesdays and Thursdays and today was the first day of "summer" and then take Max back to see how he reacts. Heck, if I put Max in this school, I'll save $900 a month that I could invest for Max's high school education.

On that note, I'm going to head to bed and worry about finances as I sleep...okay, just kidding, I hope not. A nice sexual fantasy or something would be preferred.

Bubbles

Max has this thing for bubbles and not in a good way. He just doesn't like them. He freaks out if you put them in the tub with him for a bubble bath. He likes to play in the sink with the soap until there gets to be too much soap/too many bubbles, then he starts to cry and get away. I think I finally figured out why. We have this Baby Neptune DVD that is one of the only Baby Einstein ones he will watch anymore. We don't watch it much but it is a good one to put in if he isn't feeling well or fussy or is over stimulated or needs to wind down. We watched it the other day when he woke up fussy from his nap, which thank goodness doesn't happen often because when it does...oh my. Anyway, since I work from home and since I didn't have any meetings (and hadn't taken any lunch or breaks for the day) I was out holding him and watching this with him telling about what was going on and labeling things for him. There is one scene where the puppet duck and the puppet octopus are "talking" back and forth and instead of words, bubbles come out of there mouths. After a few exchanges, the duck blows a big bubble that encircles the octopus who goes floating off. Max started crying and saying bubbles, bubbles, when he gets freaked out by them in real life. The light bulb went on for me and I explained to him that it was just pretend and was okay and stuff. He still isn't thrilled with them, but hasn't melted down again since then.

At first, I was thinking it couldn't be, but really I think that was the case. He has a very good memory. If we drive down the street where he goes to "school" a few mornings a week with his nanny, even before we get there, he starts saying school, school, school. If we start heading north anywhere near the train depot and train tracks, he will start saying train, train, train, train. His two favorite TV shows right now are Pat, Pat (Little Einsteins) and Wissy (The Wiggles). No longer am I asked to just put on The Wiggles, it is Kola (Koala) Wissy of which the Koala is 20 - 30 seconds of the entire 30 minute program, or Shh, Shh, Shh Wissy for the one where Betty Blue Grass (?) sings a song that has that in it. Or, I get Pat, Pat Beach for the Annie's Love Song episode which is on the beach, Pat Pat Cho Cho Hat for the Go West Young Train episode, where Annie (his favorite character) wears a cowgirl hat, Pat Pat Ducky for the Duck, Duck, xxx (forgetting the name) episode that is about a duck that has 8 ducklings but one gets lost. Anyway, you get the idea. Max knows his mind and remembers all of these things. He will want to watch something over and over and over, until I guess at some point he memorizes it all, and then he is ready to move on. Now that he realizes that you can reverse on the DVR, he will want to watch one particular scene a few times occasionally before he is ready to move on to the rest of the show or another show. I'm sure that I humor him too much in this, but figure that it can't do any harm in the long run, makes him feel like he has some say and control in his life, and I really don't mind most of the time.

Anyway, a long way to say that I really do think he remembered that scene he has seen so many times that I label as bubbles, he put two and two together and didn't want to get swallowed up in the bubble and go bye-bye.

I'm sitting outside watching the grass grow as I write this. Literally. I was getting worried since the back yard was still looking like a mud patch with no sign of grass (reseeded it last Saturday night)...until tonight. Yeah!! There is a chance I will have an actual lawn before my party in a few weeks.

In other news, I went in for an u/s today and have one follicle on my left measuring 15 so I am going to trigger Saturday night for an early Monday morning IUI. I would have preferred to push it a day or two more, but logistically it was just too difficult for many reasons. It should be mature by any standard by then and around 19 at time of trigger and 23 - 24 at ovulation, but I prefer to trigger at 24 since the last two pregnancies I had I triggered at 24. But, it will be fine. The truth is that if it is a good egg, that size/maturity should be fine. I'm just happy to be back in the game this month after being cancelled last week for no response.

There is a work story I could tell you about a conversation I had today with my boss. It was a good conversation on how he was going to follow up on a recommendation I made, but wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be bailing on the team and finding a new job if he did. I'm not very subtle and he knows things are pissing me off most of which have to do with his boss and his bosses boss who are planning on replacing him and bringing someone in from the outside. I assured him I would stick it out as long as he was still there, but making no guarantees if they brought in someone I didn't like or didn't think I could work. The con of the proposal is that I would get more work. The pro would be that my peer that used to be my subordinate that back stabbed me while I was out on maternity leave with Max with be out. Really, I am not so petty that that was my goal, but we need to cut expense and that is one way of doing it. I offered to be the leader to go, but he and I both know that he couldn't do that and would have to bring in someone new. This may sound arrogant, but I have the best people on my team and they would revolt, seriously, if they had to work for her. My team has very senior people on it and I treat them as such. Her team has moderately senior people on it and she treats them like new hires and babies. It won't really make things better from a day to day working perspective because I almost never talk to my peer and she never speaks up or offers opinions in meetings, she is like a non-entity at this point. And, I didn't set out to push her out, but it really is a good solution at a good time and I won't be sad if it happens. Anyway, enough about work other than to say 4 work days 6 calendar days until vacation.

One of these days, I'm going to do a post on how things seem to disappear into thin air now that Max is in my life.

Today - Edited

The sweetest thing to happen to me today was Max running up with a huge smile on his face to kiss me and say bye bye as he left for school with his nanny.

The ickiest thing that happened to me today was my neighbor’s dog peeing on me while I was over there playing with him while the cable guy fixed my cable and had to access the neighbors yard to do so. Hey, he was so happy to see me. He just had a less then pleasant way of showing it.

The most impulsive thing I did today was submit an application to foster Golden Retriever/Golden Retriever Mix.

The funniest thing I heard/read today is this.

The Washcloth

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal . Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"I told her to get another one from the cupboard.She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

The most annoying thing to happen to me today is that I have another headache. This is the second afternoon/evening in a row I have a headache. Last night it got so bad that I was nauseous and I had to take both Advil and Tylenol before it lessoned. It is very unlike me to have a headache, especially such bad ones.

Those are the highlights of my day so far. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Max will be home soon for mommy time before bed. We will see if he wants/will eat dinner, which he hasn’t wanted to do recently. He is in one of those reduced eating phases at the
moment.

ETA: The happiest I was today was when Shadow wanted to walk all the way around the block this morning. She hasn't wanted to do that in weeks. Of course, I was totally unprepared and was in my slippers and without a bra, but alas, that didn't damper my joy when she just kept going. Granted, tonight she just went two houses over after going all the way to the corner last night so it is hit or miss. It still made me happy to see her so happy to be out and sniffing the pee-mail.

Happy and Sad

Have you ever been really happy and really sad at the same time? I feel like that has been my life this last year. Such contrasting emotions all at once. Thrilled that Max is in my life and yet sad that I haven't been able to give him a sibling. Really, I have been doing great these last few days. I've been busting my butt (and back) doing yard work, planting flowers, and re-seeding the backyard. I'm sore, but feeling great.

I just gave away/loaned out all of my baby stuff to a good friend. I met her when we were both trying to conceive when she was single. She met her husband and has continued to try for a child doing 2 IVF's with no success with the last one being last month. They started pursuing foster adopt and got a call that they may get a baby next week. I'm so happy for them and really, really hope it works out. Having so much given to me was such a blessing and it has just been sitting out in the garage waiting, waiting, waiting for a chance to be used. I'm happy to be able to do the same for someone else and really hope they get that baby soon to use it all. But, sad that it isn't me using it nor will it be anytime soon.

I much rather it get used than just collect dust, but it was hard to see it go, even all the girl stuff that I never even used. How silly is that?

My friend said she would mark all the stuff so she could give it back if/when I need it. I'm not really worried about that. I think that when you loan it out, you need to be prepared to never get it back because it could get stained or trashed or broken or whatever. That is just the reality with kids. I hope someday to need baby stuff again, but the stuff I gave away is just stuff. I'll either get it back or someone else will be ready to pass on their stuff or it will all work out. I just want the baby.

As I told her, even if I get pregnant with in the next month or so, it will be at least 9 months before I would need anything an the reality is probably much longer if ever. I really am happy that it can get some use in the meantime.

I've been thinking recently about how contrasting my life is in general these days with another example being that I'm going to church much more regularly than I ever have as an adult. Yet, I feel further away from God than ever before.

Anyway, just feeling a bit melancholy, but I'll be fine. I've been doing fine. The hard labor has helped, especially since it is something I enjoy so much like gardening. I was almost finished with a post last night with tons of details on what I was doing and why and how good it felt and how great I was doing, but I somehow deleted most of it before I published it and was too tired to redo it.

Really, I'm doing great over all, just a bit sad at the moment...but in a good way knowing I was able to help out someone else.

Discouraged

I’m feeling so sad and discouraged. I’m back to thinking that I will never have another bio child and wondering if I really should just stop and try to be happy with the family I currently have rather than the one that I wanted and dreamed about for so long. The lack of any type of response to fertility meds, again, shows that it wasn’t just a fluke before and that no protocol is going give a better or different response. Until forced recently by no response, I had never done un-medicated cycles. In part, because I liked the idea of higher odds you are supposed to get using the fertility meds and in part because I really don’t have the confidence in the hormones my body makes to produce an egg good enough to make a child. I spent most of my adult life on birth control pills because they regulated the hormones in a much more desirable way since my own hormones left to their own devises have never been quite what they should be. I guess that is why I’m feeling so down about this. I feel like it really was my last real chance. I’ll probably try a few un-medicated cycles just in case I’m wrong while I make sure that I really do want to go the donor egg route and how I’ll pay for it. Gosh this is hard. My internal pain around this is such that I haven’t talked to anyone IRL about it yet. I need to wait a bit until it doesn’t hurt quite so badly. I just feel so stuck right now. I’m worn out and tired and down. Heck, maybe even a bit depressed. There are many productive things I could and should do, but I don’t have the desire or energy right now. My vacation can’t get here soon enough. I don’t know why I am looking forward to it so much since I have no real plans, but I am.

Crash and Burn

I had an u/s today. Not a follicle to be seen. Lining was basically non-existent. So glad I spent a grand on meds and bought 10 more vials of sperm. What a waste. I really, really hate getting cancelled from IUI's. See this is why it makes absolutely no sense to go for an out of state consult. It would make more sense to stop the madness. I hate my body right now. I hate ttc. I hate spending something that has so little chance of working. I hate that I can't yet give up the dream and just stop. I won't go as far as to say I hate the world or everything in it at the moment, but...I'm not feeling too good about things. Work still sucks, big time. I'm short on cash this month, in part, because of this f'ing process, and I can't even get one stinking follicle. Not even a chance. Clearly, I will not be attempting a medicated cycle again soon. Maybe I'll get a follicle growing in a week or two like the last time I attempted a medicated cycle. I wish I could just go hide away someplace and deal with this (read cry my eyes out), but I have work to do and my mom is coming for dinner tonight so I will pretend all is well.

Why stay?

Thanks Nina for stopping in and leaving a comment and sorry your are working such long crazy hours. I hope there is an end in sight. You bring up a valid point about why I don't try to travel to Cornell or CCRM or another big out of town clinic for an IVF attempt. Instead of just commenting back, I decided it was a topic worth of a post in and of itself.

So, why do I stay where I'm at now that Dr. N is gone and I am basically left to my own devices. There are several reasons really. One of which is even if I wanted to go to one of the out of state biggies, it is very unlikely they would take me as a patient. I could spend a few hundred dollars to meet with them for them to tell me so. Even if they did take me and said they had this miracle protocol, just for me, guaranteed to at least get me to retrieval, I wouldn't believe them. Because I truly do not believe that IVF is the answer for me, I could not spend the time and money and logistics to set it up again. I can't take another IVF cancellation. I've been cancelled twice both times on good solid protocols that "should" have at least gotten me to retrieval. I really have to laugh in a self depreciating envious way when people talk about their poor response. I was cancelled because each time I had one and only one viable follicle. Now, one of those resulted in Max as my miracle baby. I wasn't so lucky the second time around. I figure I would need to get over 6 follicles in range for it to be worth my while to even attempt IVF. Actually, even if I got 6, I still think my odds are better with IUI since egg quality would be an issue and I would transfer everything back that fertilized anyway. I can and have gotten pregnant, three times with one take home baby. The sperm is compatible with my egg if it is a good enough egg. My tubes are open. Implantation doesn't seem to be an issue. The issue is really two fold that is tied together. At my age, egg quality is an issue. If I had a better response each cycle, my odds would increase that one of the eggs would be a good one. One of the big deciding factors in buying 10 more vials of sperm was the realization that if I am ever going to get pregnant again with my own eggs, it is going to be by trying an IUI over time to get to the odds someone else may have in one month because they have a better response. It's like taking the hard way, except the easier way doesn't and hasn't worked for me. The more stims I do, the more they fry my ovaries. After my last IVF attempt, it took months and months, I'd have to count them to find out how many, for my ovaries to produce even the one measly follicle it has been. They completely shut down and I was getting nothing, which is why I started seriously considering and researching donor egg. Then, I started getting my one and only follicle again, which led me to buy the extra sperm and my current, in it for the long haul even if I don't like it strategy. My FSH was typically really good, until it spiked with a 19.something and then an 11 or 12, then back down in the 6 range. But, FSH regardless of the number, really isn't a show stopper for me. The problem is my Inhibin B is so darn low. I can shoot up high amps and thousands of dollars in stims and it is like flushing money down the drain because my body can't and won't absorb them because Inhibin B is the conduit that helps/is needed for your body to absorb the FSH and LH. Estrogen Priming would probably been my best bet and that is what I attempted on my last crash and burn IVF cycle. Because my IVF cycle started a week after Dr. N was killed, I'll probably at least try it one more time before I run out of sperm and either give up or move to DE. Loosing Dr. N, I can't even tell you how much that has affected me. His wife, my OB, last time I saw her made a comment that she felt like we both lost our husbands. The comment made me feel uncomfortable, because I really didn't have a crush on him or think of him as an intimate partner or even ever fantasize about him. However, I really did love the man and have such respect for him. He wasn't perfect, but he was the absolute hands down perfect RE for me.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I stay where I am because no one else would take me and going someplace else just doesn't make sense. Even if I went to another local clinic for IUI's, they would want me to follow dr.'s orders and I'm sorry, I just know way to much for that at this point. The bad news is that I have to manage my own case, the good news is that Dr. N gave me enough of an education that I can manage it better than most RE's could at this point. And, my clinic lets me do what I want, when I want. One might argue that going someplace else and following another RE's protocol or system may be just what I need, but even if the RE was brilliant no protocol is going to fix what is currently broken/not working/get me to have a response good enough to make IVF worth while.

So, I stay and I'm sad the Dr. N is gone and I hope and pray that one of these months, if I just keep at it and keep trying, a good enough egg will be released and fertilized and give me another miracle. It's not a lot, but it's all I have unless I want to move to DE and I'm just not quite ready for that yet. I fail 10 more cycles leaving 2 vials in reserve and I'll be ready to either move on or give up.

There really is no other option. There is no way around the Inhbin B/poor response issue regardless of clinic or protocol. I'll keep trying, just in case. My clinic isn't one of the top 3, but it probably is in the top 5. They are solid, have good protocols and practices. I can get a consult with Dr. A when I really need to consult on a new protocol like I did for the one I'm using this month because while he is busy, I've been a patient longer than or as long as almost every single person on the staff. That counts. A lot. It isn't as good as having Dr. N would be, but it is as good as it gets. I wonder a bit if Dr. N is here if he would see something I've missed or he would have some radical thing to try that may help, but he was a very good teacher. I know a lot, probably even more than some RE's. I'm sure not more than the RE's in one of the big 3, but enough to know that they will tell me ... the odds aren't good enough to attempt another IVF and DE is my best option.

I challenge anyone who reads this who knows anything about fertility to show me where my logic is flawed, poke holes in my argument, tell me what you would do differently if you were in my shoes. I'd be happy to be wrong or for another perspective and to see something I've missed. Hell, anything would be easier than cycling until I just can't take it anymore waiting to see if I can get a good enough egg. An out of state cycle would be a heck of a lot cheaper than moving to DE. I just don't see it. I just don't think there is any other solution than my current one right now.

Nina, thanks again for the questions that prompted this post. I hope that explains it, if not let me know or help me see the error of my ways and where I am stuck in my thinking.

And, that's why I stay.

The Other Decision

I remembered the other decision (that I made the other night but couldn't remember in the light of day) this evening while playing a mindless game of computer solitaire procrastinating shooting up my stims tonight. I decided that I am going to take the week of July 4th as vacation as I had originally planned and not try to go anyplace, not even an overnight trip. I may or may not do any day or morning trips with Max. If so, maybe only one or two. I think I am going to have Noemi come pretty much as normal and use the time to do some serious gardening which I haven't been able to do since before Max was born. I just had some trees taken up and the roots ground up taking up most of my back yard lawn and I called the owner to ask that they come back because they should have done more like I asked. My mistake was having them come the two days before Memorial Day Weekend when I was trying to pack and get out of town. I'd love to get my fountain working, but need some help with that since it is too heavy for me to lift by myself. Maybe I can catch my yard guys this Wednesday and see if they will help. I've been having fun deciding what I want to plant where. I think if I spend every morning of the week, I may get everything done I would like. I'm also thinking of pricing out and attempting to put down sod, but think it may be more than I want to tackle both physically and financially right now. Then, I'm thinking of trying to schedule a massage and maybe a dinner out that week with the girls. I'm really starting to look forward to it. I've been itching to do some serious work now that the trees are out, but it has been too hot in the evenings when I am out there with Max and I know he would want to help and with the serious work I want to do he would just be in the way and frustrate me. I'm going to take out some, maybe all, of the lattice I installed a few years ago and rip out jasmine and morning glory and plant creeping fig instead. I also want to put in a few azalea, maybe try another Camellia and hydrangea or two. I need to plan it out to see if I can get another rose bush in someplace. I'm quite pleased with my decision and excited to plan it out. I feel like it will really be a vacation for me with time to do something I just haven't been able to in so long that I really, really enjoy. I can't wait. My plan is to make sure that I have all my paper work and bills done, accounts balanced, and all that other stuff so I can just go browse the nursery and dig in the dirt. I spent a few hours today going through paperwork and got my checking and savings accounts caught up. I hadn't balanced them since March. I spent part of my last two vacation spending a few days doing that type of thing. It was desperately needed, but it is too much like work. I want to get all caught up so I can just dig in and have one big garden project. Maybe not how many would want to spend there time, but I've been thinking about it and what I really wanted to do. Gardening it is. I know I said this already, but I really can't wait.

Decisions, Decisions

Max is into his third hour of napping, which means I will likely not get this written and posted without interruption. I got a little nap in myself and finished my book (just a mind candy romance).

Last night as I was relaxing/trying to fall asleep, I made two decisions and pondered a third. Unfortunately, I can only remember one of the decisions I made. Try as i might, I can't remember the second and yet it was so clear last night. I hate that. The decision I remember is that if this cycle fails, I'm going to go on BCP's for a month before cycling again and go back to only cycling every other month. The decision I'm still pondering is putting Max in pre-school this fall at 2. I still need to actually check out schools, but am thinking about maybe doing half days in the morning, getting a nanny who can pick him up and put him down for a nap (no way with my work schedule could I do this) and do light house keeping and cook dinner while he sleeps, then play with him/take him to a park/whatever until I finish work. Like I said, I still need to actually check out the schools and make sure I think it would be a good fit and price it out since I think it will probably be more expensive than what I currently have going on, but I think it maybe the way to go. Max gets some exposure to a structured learning environment, but will still be home for nap. Getting him dressed and out the door may be an issue, but one of my questions will be how they feel about me bringing him in his PJ's if he starts to throw a fit about getting dressed which happens even now, but I don't have to press it. He just likes being in his diaper in the morning and will fight like anything if I try to get him dressed before he is ready. The other thing this may really help with is me eating better. Noemi doesn't cook, at all. It has taken me awhile to even get her to give Max reasonably balanced meals* and still tends to give him too much starchy carb foods for my liking. Dinner is just such a hard one. Maybe once a week, I'll stop work early to prepare something or can prepare something for me while Max is watching TV, but it is hard. This maybe the answer. We will see. As to the other decision? I'm sure it will come to me at some point.

Achy Ovaries

Anyone I know who has tried to ttc for any length of time, starts noticing much more about their cycles, when they ovulate, what this twinge or that may or may not mean. This is true of me as well. Dr. Q was amazed a few cycles ago when I called up about cd14 because I could "feel" a follicle there. The entire staff laughed about it. I'm not always right, but I tend to be more right than not these days. Which was why I was kind of surprised yesterday when I went in for baseline u/s and there was no lead follicle like last month. This is probably better news for this cycle since having a follicle grow so fast in a cycle like that especially when on progesterone is not a good thing for egg quality. Dr. Q and I had a whole discussion about that yesterday and then he asked if I had ever wanted to go to medical school and why didn't I become an RE. I had to laugh and explained that as long as it is an intellectual exercise (and self serving) I'm fine, but having to do the procedures and deal with the hormonal patients, no thank you. LOL. He didn't know what to say about that. Anyway, I digress again...where was I?

Yes, achy ovaries. While I was happy I didn't have a follicle growing already (and mostly think Dr. Q is confident enough to see it if it actually was there amid the fat and behind the lunch), I am now left wondering what it was I was feeling instead. I'm a tad worried it may be that scar tissue that Dr. N found during my lap last year. There was a 25% chance it would return with a 1 - 3% chance of conceiving again with my own eggs. The few months before the lap, I kept thinking I would have a cyst and kept being surprised when I didn't. I'll have to pay attention and watch this trend.

Anyway, I am feeling twinges in my right ovary like it may want to try to do something, but it is unlikely. That ovary had done nothing, nadda, zip since October 2004. But, I can feel it a tad. And, I'm feeling my left ovary quite a bit as well. I'm hoping that means this Letrozal/Inj. Combo cycle may actually produce a follicle. Egads, two would be nice, but I'm just hoping it isn't zero. A nice good one is fine with me. Ha Ha, it only takes one.

Normally, when I do injectables, I shoot it into my right hip as it is easier for me to do one handed since I am right handed. I've decided to do them all into my left this time. Hey, I figure get the drugs closer to the ovary that has the best chance of doing something with them. Actually, it is really quite ridiculous since the meds have to make it through the fat into the bloodstream, unlike the p4 suppositories where it does get absorbed by the uterus without getting into the blood. Medically speaking, I don't really know why it works that way with one and not the other, but that is what I have been told.

One of the things I often think about while doing stims, is how I don't really understand how a person can be a drug addict...coming from a person one could say is addicted to cycling. It is expensive, a lot of work, and you have to remember to support that bad habit. I guess there is more of a high from street drugs than from stims. Usually, I just get more wired and less sleep. Even the "mixing" has lost some of its appeal after too much experience/practice, but I refuse to use one of those new fangled cartilages. Not only are they too easy, they are only subQ and I am convinced I need a longer needle closer to the muscle so the meds don't get lost in all the fat. Now, truly, while that probably does help some, my absorption issue is really that my Inhibin B sucks and it is needed to act as a conduit and aid in the absorption. Intellectually, I know this, but still...I will continue to use the longer needles. The nurses just laugh and shake there head at me and order whatever I want. I guess we all have our quirks. Max's are not liking bubbles and crying if we are out driving, pass a freeway on ramp and don't get on. A friend was telling me today about her son's -- rubbing something or putting something between his toes when drinking a bottle or trying to go to sleep. And, mine, using longer needles when shooting up.

True or False

How about we play a quick game of true or false? We will see how devoted a reader you are and how well you know me. I'll start with a few easy ones.

1) Today is cd2
2) I had a baseline u/s today
3) As a result of the u/s, I decided not to cycle this month and may, in fact, never cycle again.
4) I cried on the way to and the way from the clinic.
5) Max fell in the pool today
6) I pissed off my cat so badly he didn't even want to sleep with me last night

Now see, wasn't that fun?





Answers:
1) True
2) True
3) False, False - As much as I hate it, if I have any type of ovarian response and my ovaries are still present and functioning, I will cycle until I just can't anymore. And, I'm not there yet.
4) Sadly, true. Very unlike me. They weren't tears of despair, just the drippy sad ones. Prompted by a song about counting your blessing and being happy with what you have. It's not that I don't feel like I was blessed with Max, I just want another blessing. Just made me sad a bit that I can't be happier about the situation. Then again, if I was happier, I would not still be on the ttc path. My discontent is still more than my pain and sorrow of the sucky ass process, it is only that that keeps me going. It isn't for wimps as anyone who has ever gone down the path knows.
5) True. I was two steps away and probably could have prevented it, but didn't. He was only under for a few seconds, but was pretty freaked out. This may sound very mean, but I'm not unhappy (can't exactly say I was happy about it, but am not unhappy if that makes sense) it did. I was talking to him about safety around the pool and he needed to be careful so he didn't fall in right as he did. I'm hoping the experience will give him a bit of caution and a frame of reference the next time. I don't want him to be afraid and seriously thought of staying with him in the pool until he calmed down (a back on the saddle/horse type thing), but I was not in my suit, on cd2 of a moderately heavy period, and wearing a pad so I didn't press the point even though I did think about it. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't because he just clung to me and cried for about 10 minutes (which is really long for him, maybe it just felt like 10 minutes, hey I was outside..not looking at a clock, but he did cry for quite awhile) with is head on my shoulder and his naked body wrapped in a towel up against mine.
6) True. He has been barfing up a lot of hairballs again lately so I gave him a bit of a hair cut, taking off two huge mats of hair. In the process, I saw 2 flea's on him, so he had to get a flea treatment. He was not amused at all. I guess I am into tough love right now because I didn't really care. Truthfully, I was fine that he didn't want to sleep with me since I dislike fleas with a passion I can't even describe. I will check him again soon and go with more aggressive treatment if the Frontline didn't work. He will likely be getting a bath/flea bath this weekend either way. He is snuggled up next to me right now, but licking a bit too much so I may have to go check him out again. Hmmm. He must have seen the gleam in my eye since he just removed himself from my presence all of a sudden. Smart cat.