The Plan: The plan was to transfer one high quality embryo and hope for the best. If it didn't work, do FET's for the rest of the year under the outcome based plan I entered until it did. Or, I ran out of embryos.
The Reality: I transfered 3 low quality embryos and they humored me and froze two even worse quality embryos that the embryologist doesn't think will survive a thaw, not grow if they did, and only a miracle would cause them to result in a pregnancy.
I'm glad I had an hour or two wait (they were running very behind) after talking with the embryologist before talking to the RE's. I need that time to process. I became a cry baby while in with the RE's and pretty much didn't stop the leaking for a few hours...and here I have started up again....Pretty much everyone in the office was feeling sorry for me.
Yes, it can still happen. The ugliest embryos can and do turn into adorable children. It just isn't very likely. The odds are not good.
I basically lost a full day of work and am now even more behind than I was before. And, I'm so far behind that I can't even tell you at the moment because thinking about it is too stressful. I left the house at 10 am and got home around 4:45 pm.
To say I'm sad, disappointed, and upset would all probably be understatements.
I'm tired, crampy, my eyes hurt, and I'm not feeling great. My cough is persisting and Max has another buggery nose so didn't go to school today. To top it all, I have a yeast infection. ET of crappy donor eggs is a very expensive way to find that out.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
My Embryos
Being new to this whole ER/ET thing (since my response has always been so poor I never made it that far), I'm not sure, exactly, what this all means, but I think I can safely say the my embryos don't suck.
I've now listened to my voice message about the fertilization rate and talked to my coordinator about the embryo status yesterday at day 3. And, here is the detail in all it's glory.....
26 eggs were retrieved
18 eggs were M2 (highest level of maturity)
5 eggs were M1 (lower level of maturity)
3 eggs were GV (no idea what that means, but I'm assuming it isn't good since they didn't even try to fertilize them)
They fertilized the 18 M2's and the 5 M1's and 15 of the 23 fertilized. By my calculations, this is about a 65% fertilization rate, which is better than the 50% I had mentally planned base on the high number of eggs retrieved.
Yesterday, on day 3, I had the following....
Where I was told, anything over 7 - 8 cell is good; grade 1 is higher/better than grade 2; GES score is assigned by the embryologist and 100% is the best. I'm assuming the GES has to do with shape of cells and fragmentation and such.
2 - 7 cell, grade 1, 100%
1 - 8 cell, grade 1, 100%
1 - 8 cell, grade 2, 95%
1 - 9 cell, grade 1, 85%
2 - 9 cell, grade 2, 85%
8 - 10 cell, grade 2, 70 - 75%
4 - others with a GES between 40 - 45%
---------
19? Since I only had 15 to start with, my notes are wrong on this. I'll see if I can get an update from my coordinator and edit. However, I know she said that none had died off and that all or almost all tested positive for the embryo marker test, which is good.
All and all, I'm happy with this status. There just may be a good chance this cycle will work and if not, it is just going to be bad luck of the draw on the one selected to transfer.
I'm starting to feel happy, excited, and scared all of a sudden.
I've now listened to my voice message about the fertilization rate and talked to my coordinator about the embryo status yesterday at day 3. And, here is the detail in all it's glory.....
26 eggs were retrieved
18 eggs were M2 (highest level of maturity)
5 eggs were M1 (lower level of maturity)
3 eggs were GV (no idea what that means, but I'm assuming it isn't good since they didn't even try to fertilize them)
They fertilized the 18 M2's and the 5 M1's and 15 of the 23 fertilized. By my calculations, this is about a 65% fertilization rate, which is better than the 50% I had mentally planned base on the high number of eggs retrieved.
Yesterday, on day 3, I had the following....
Where I was told, anything over 7 - 8 cell is good; grade 1 is higher/better than grade 2; GES score is assigned by the embryologist and 100% is the best. I'm assuming the GES has to do with shape of cells and fragmentation and such.
2 - 7 cell, grade 1, 100%
1 - 8 cell, grade 1, 100%
1 - 8 cell, grade 2, 95%
1 - 9 cell, grade 1, 85%
2 - 9 cell, grade 2, 85%
8 - 10 cell, grade 2, 70 - 75%
4 - others with a GES between 40 - 45%
---------
19? Since I only had 15 to start with, my notes are wrong on this. I'll see if I can get an update from my coordinator and edit. However, I know she said that none had died off and that all or almost all tested positive for the embryo marker test, which is good.
All and all, I'm happy with this status. There just may be a good chance this cycle will work and if not, it is just going to be bad luck of the draw on the one selected to transfer.
I'm starting to feel happy, excited, and scared all of a sudden.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
I ' heart' P4
I love progesterone. I really, really do. I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night after a short nap yesterday. I really can't remember the last time that happened, but think it was in 2005 when pregnant with Max. One of the reasons I really liked being pregnant was that it was the best sleep I ever had in my life. And, under the TMI category, my BM's are almost normal while on progesterone (and while pregnant). I'm doing the PIO instead of the suppositories, only because I started that way while out of town and have it, and it's fine. A bit of a trade off....a sore bum over messy, wet undies from suppository leakage. I'll probably get a progesterone test in a few days...maybe when I'm in for transfer ... if it's not today...please God, let transfer not be today...to check how bad the number is...and add in the suppositories as well. But, if last nights sleep is any indication, it is getting absorbed just fine and a blood draw would probably show that it doesn't completely suck. And, all that sleep on a 'dex' day, which I've only been taking every other day since I only typically get about 4 hours when on that stuff. So, while I don't love the bruised and sore bum (or the wet and leaky private parts), I do love the affects. Hey, with any luck, an answered prayer, and a wish upon a star, I'll be "knocked up" by Christmas and my body will produce lots of this glorious hormone for months on end. Wow, wouldn't that be nice?
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Forgetful
I've been so darn forgetful lately that it really is quite pathetic. I know it is the hormones, but still...it is getting mighty irritating. Today at the clinic, I needed to do three things...e2 blood draw, Viagra wash, and get needles for PIO. I got the blood draw. Dr. Q agreed with me that a Viagra wash was completely pointless since I haven't taken any Viagra in 8 days. And, I forgot the needles. I remember on the way home and stopped by the pharmacy to get some (and they gave me the wrong needles, but the right syringe so I was basically fine). I get home and remembered that while out and at a pharmacy, I wanted to pick up some Vicks Vapo Steam. Sigh. I still haven't turned in all my release forms, because I keep forgetting to take them in. Bigger sigh. I'm pretty sure I'm in violation of my DE contract because I have not yet signed us up for the neutral registry I wanted indicated in our contract. I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be done before ER, which happened sooner than I planned. I could go on and on with examples, but you get the point. Pathetic.
Tomorrow, they take a lookie see at my embryo's. I'm really hoping I don't get called in for an emergency transfer because things look bad because I am completely unprepared...mentally and logistically with Max.
I had a short nap today. Max boycotted, but spent time in his crib undressing, taking his cup apart and spilling milk, climbing onto his dresser and getting every stuffed animal and object on it since I had the crib tent off to wash (since it was smelling a lot like sour milk and I couldn't take in anymore)...allowing me a some much needed rest. He could have climbed out, but didn't. I thought about just leaving the tent off since it is in really bad shape (and we've only had it a few months), but Max insisted it go back up.
The nap was key. I'm feeling better than I have in a long while. Not great. Not 100%. But, better. Now, if I can just remember. I'd be doing good.
Tomorrow, they take a lookie see at my embryo's. I'm really hoping I don't get called in for an emergency transfer because things look bad because I am completely unprepared...mentally and logistically with Max.
I had a short nap today. Max boycotted, but spent time in his crib undressing, taking his cup apart and spilling milk, climbing onto his dresser and getting every stuffed animal and object on it since I had the crib tent off to wash (since it was smelling a lot like sour milk and I couldn't take in anymore)...allowing me a some much needed rest. He could have climbed out, but didn't. I thought about just leaving the tent off since it is in really bad shape (and we've only had it a few months), but Max insisted it go back up.
The nap was key. I'm feeling better than I have in a long while. Not great. Not 100%. But, better. Now, if I can just remember. I'd be doing good.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Home Sweet Home
It was a good trip and I'm glad I went, but....I'm so darn happy to be home.
Good thing I tend to be fairly low keyed.
I got lost or made a wrong turn every place I went except my first night from the airport to the corporate apartments and from my aunt and uncles back to the airport this morning. I had to drive in snow and ice and it was cold. I had a bad IBS episode while lost driving one night. However, I got to see and meet with a people I haven't seen in years or have worked with for years and never met face to face. I like my new boss. I'm not thrilled with all of the reorganization changes planned or in the works, but I don't really hate them either and likely I'm going to be taking on a new role in the new organization, by my choice.
My donor triggered way earlier than expected and they changed my calendar and wanted me to start progesterone, which I didn't have with me, but one of my cousins just happened to have to have some PIO she gave me so I didn't have to try to find a pharmacy. They wanted me to get a E2 blood draw, which ultimately didn't happen. I started my zpack (antibiotics) a day late because the updated calendar was sent to my personal email, which I couldn't access while away, and my coordinator didn't mention it when I talked to her late one night to get the calendar changes verbally. Asprin fell off my calendar and I keep forgetting to ask if I should still be taking it or should have stopped, which I didn't. My coordinator told me not to take Lupron Thursday morning (day of retrieval), but the calendar, when I saw it days later said to take it. I was going to stop by the clinic on my way home this afternoon for that e2 blood draw and the Viagra wash they want me to do even though it has been a week since I stopped Viagra, but we landed late so I'm going in the morning. In spite of all that and probably a few more things like that I'm forgetting at the moment, I really stayed calm. I got a bit teary eyed this morning after going to two different labs in a town I didn't know before I left for the airport, both of which couldn't or wouldn't do the test for different stupid reasons. But, I took a deep breath decided it was what it was at this point and went for a quick breakfast with my cousin, her husband, and my aunt and uncle.
I still have my awful cough and am tired, tired, tired. I went to bed on west coast time and woke up on east coast time and went non-stop in between.
They retrieved 26 eggs, 15 fertilized normally, and I'm scheduled for an 11 am transfer on Tuesday. With 26 retrieved, I was anticipating a 50% fertilization rate and got slightly better than that so am all and all happy. We will see what the embryo marker test shows and how many we still have on transfer day. I have all the details on maturity and such on my voice mail but haven't really listened to closely yet. I just remembered the bottom line of 15 fertilized normally.
Good thing I tend to be fairly low keyed.
I got lost or made a wrong turn every place I went except my first night from the airport to the corporate apartments and from my aunt and uncles back to the airport this morning. I had to drive in snow and ice and it was cold. I had a bad IBS episode while lost driving one night. However, I got to see and meet with a people I haven't seen in years or have worked with for years and never met face to face. I like my new boss. I'm not thrilled with all of the reorganization changes planned or in the works, but I don't really hate them either and likely I'm going to be taking on a new role in the new organization, by my choice.
My donor triggered way earlier than expected and they changed my calendar and wanted me to start progesterone, which I didn't have with me, but one of my cousins just happened to have to have some PIO she gave me so I didn't have to try to find a pharmacy. They wanted me to get a E2 blood draw, which ultimately didn't happen. I started my zpack (antibiotics) a day late because the updated calendar was sent to my personal email, which I couldn't access while away, and my coordinator didn't mention it when I talked to her late one night to get the calendar changes verbally. Asprin fell off my calendar and I keep forgetting to ask if I should still be taking it or should have stopped, which I didn't. My coordinator told me not to take Lupron Thursday morning (day of retrieval), but the calendar, when I saw it days later said to take it. I was going to stop by the clinic on my way home this afternoon for that e2 blood draw and the Viagra wash they want me to do even though it has been a week since I stopped Viagra, but we landed late so I'm going in the morning. In spite of all that and probably a few more things like that I'm forgetting at the moment, I really stayed calm. I got a bit teary eyed this morning after going to two different labs in a town I didn't know before I left for the airport, both of which couldn't or wouldn't do the test for different stupid reasons. But, I took a deep breath decided it was what it was at this point and went for a quick breakfast with my cousin, her husband, and my aunt and uncle.
I still have my awful cough and am tired, tired, tired. I went to bed on west coast time and woke up on east coast time and went non-stop in between.
They retrieved 26 eggs, 15 fertilized normally, and I'm scheduled for an 11 am transfer on Tuesday. With 26 retrieved, I was anticipating a 50% fertilization rate and got slightly better than that so am all and all happy. We will see what the embryo marker test shows and how many we still have on transfer day. I have all the details on maturity and such on my voice mail but haven't really listened to closely yet. I just remembered the bottom line of 15 fertilized normally.
Monday, December 03, 2007
On reading
I smile at myself these days for being worried that Max would never be interested in books and reading. The proverbial light bulb seems to have gone off recently and it is no longer songs and singing before bed, but reading. And, reading in the morning when he wakes up. And, occasionally reading at other times during the day, like when I was off on vacation and had time and we were hanging out all day long together.
He really, really, really enjoyed The Night Before Thanksgiving. It's a cute book. I also enjoyed it the first 50 or so times I read it. At first Max called it the "Eating book. Read the eating book momma". Great bargain for $3.99. We got our money's worth on that one.
In attempt to not have to read the Thanksgiving book one more time, I pulled out one of the Christmas books I bought him. I was really impressed with Snowmen at Night. Max wanted nothing to do with it. He never let me get past page 4 or so. Never touched it. Never wanted anything to do with it. An almost $11 board book, basically unused at this point. We will see if it grows on him.
I was thrilled when Witch's Christmas showed up. From the very first, Max has loved this one. Tonight, I was putting him to bed late...hey, I had to spoil him and cuddle him a bit extra tonight since I'm not going to see him or put him to bed for 4 whole nights...and told him no books, just one song. He wanted the "witch one, mommy". Since I was thinking songs and not feeling great (like my stomach is going to explode from, presumably, too much gas?), I didn't have a clue and told him so. I was told "no song mommy. book. witches book. on the table in the other room". That did it, I got it then. :) And, read it yet another time. It's a cute book that ties Halloween and Christmas. A steal at $1 (not including $4 for shipping, but still a great deal).
I'm a bit worried that Max now thinks the board book are beneath him since his two most recent favorites are both cheap thin paper story ones since I have a stack of (more expensive) hard cover ones in the Christmas stack. Ah well, time will tell. I'm just glad that he's liking the books/reading thing these days even if it is a bit tedious to read the same book 5 -1o times a day for weeks on end. I'm sure I'll be digging out another from the Christmas stash soon.
I'm off. I have a lot to do in the morning and leave early. I sure hope this stomach thing is gone by tomorrow. I won't have access to my personal computer/email while I'm gone so you will just have to wonder how my appointment and my donors appointments go and that I'll remember by the time I get back. I'm a tad worried about having to fly with all my meds and needles and being given a hard time. I'm sure it will all work out. And, I'm extremely happy I don't have to travel with the Viagra.
Have a wonderful week everyone! Back this weekend.
He really, really, really enjoyed The Night Before Thanksgiving. It's a cute book. I also enjoyed it the first 50 or so times I read it. At first Max called it the "Eating book. Read the eating book momma". Great bargain for $3.99. We got our money's worth on that one.
In attempt to not have to read the Thanksgiving book one more time, I pulled out one of the Christmas books I bought him. I was really impressed with Snowmen at Night. Max wanted nothing to do with it. He never let me get past page 4 or so. Never touched it. Never wanted anything to do with it. An almost $11 board book, basically unused at this point. We will see if it grows on him.
I was thrilled when Witch's Christmas showed up. From the very first, Max has loved this one. Tonight, I was putting him to bed late...hey, I had to spoil him and cuddle him a bit extra tonight since I'm not going to see him or put him to bed for 4 whole nights...and told him no books, just one song. He wanted the "witch one, mommy". Since I was thinking songs and not feeling great (like my stomach is going to explode from, presumably, too much gas?), I didn't have a clue and told him so. I was told "no song mommy. book. witches book. on the table in the other room". That did it, I got it then. :) And, read it yet another time. It's a cute book that ties Halloween and Christmas. A steal at $1 (not including $4 for shipping, but still a great deal).
I'm a bit worried that Max now thinks the board book are beneath him since his two most recent favorites are both cheap thin paper story ones since I have a stack of (more expensive) hard cover ones in the Christmas stack. Ah well, time will tell. I'm just glad that he's liking the books/reading thing these days even if it is a bit tedious to read the same book 5 -1o times a day for weeks on end. I'm sure I'll be digging out another from the Christmas stash soon.
I'm off. I have a lot to do in the morning and leave early. I sure hope this stomach thing is gone by tomorrow. I won't have access to my personal computer/email while I'm gone so you will just have to wonder how my appointment and my donors appointments go and that I'll remember by the time I get back. I'm a tad worried about having to fly with all my meds and needles and being given a hard time. I'm sure it will all work out. And, I'm extremely happy I don't have to travel with the Viagra.
Have a wonderful week everyone! Back this weekend.
Shades of Beige
Tertia's got a post up over at So Close today about The politics of Beige. I'm not a big blog commenter in general since most of the time I'm reading while in bed lying down or while at work during some meeting that doesn't require my full attention and can multi-task enough to read and keep up with the conversation, but not write. However, her post reminded me of something that gets me all riled up and angry inside every time I need to shop for Max, enough to actually comment. In lue of my own post today, I figured I'd piggy back off that and share my comment since Max is awake and I'm out of town tomorrow and will spend the rest of the day and night getting ready. Probably some day, I will and should do my own post on this since it pisses me off so much, but alas...that time constraint.
My comment:
I'm with you and don't have any issues with the Dangerous Book For Boys. In fact, I think it is a great book and already have a copy for my son who is only 26 months. However, a little rant of my own if I may. The thing that really irks me is shopping for boys clothes and toys. At least where I live, you will find on average let's say 10 isles of clothes for girls and 2 racks for boys. Five shelves of boots for girls and you literally get only one choice (camouflage) for boys. I find this very annoying. I knew my son would love a little doll stroller, he got one last year for Easter, my choice was pink, pink, or pink. He got pink. He loved it so much that it was broken and in pieces by Halloween. When I went to get a replacement for him, the only choice was purple. I guess little boys aren't "supposed" to want to play with doll strollers. If I ever get the time and energy (ha ha ha), I would seriously start a champagne against children's manufacturers. Okay, so I'm ranting about basically the opposite of you. I'd LOVE to have been able to find a beige stroller. I don't have a problem that there are pink and purple ones. I do have a problem with the fact that very soon societal stereo types will kick in and HE will start labeling it a girl toy. And, why does every "boy" toy have to be violent. Why can't I get him some little "people"/action figures to play with his trains and cars that don't beat people up, aren't army, etc. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking and shopping in the wrong place, but I live in Los Angeles not in some rural place with only a small amount of commercialism. It just makes me sad, really. And, makes me really hate to shop for my son. Good thing I've got a sister and some good friends with boys a year or two older than my son and we score nice used clothes and toys on a regular basis so I can avoid it as much as possible. But, hey, I've been Christmas shopping recently and it got me riled up all over again.
My comment:
I'm with you and don't have any issues with the Dangerous Book For Boys. In fact, I think it is a great book and already have a copy for my son who is only 26 months. However, a little rant of my own if I may. The thing that really irks me is shopping for boys clothes and toys. At least where I live, you will find on average let's say 10 isles of clothes for girls and 2 racks for boys. Five shelves of boots for girls and you literally get only one choice (camouflage) for boys. I find this very annoying. I knew my son would love a little doll stroller, he got one last year for Easter, my choice was pink, pink, or pink. He got pink. He loved it so much that it was broken and in pieces by Halloween. When I went to get a replacement for him, the only choice was purple. I guess little boys aren't "supposed" to want to play with doll strollers. If I ever get the time and energy (ha ha ha), I would seriously start a champagne against children's manufacturers. Okay, so I'm ranting about basically the opposite of you. I'd LOVE to have been able to find a beige stroller. I don't have a problem that there are pink and purple ones. I do have a problem with the fact that very soon societal stereo types will kick in and HE will start labeling it a girl toy. And, why does every "boy" toy have to be violent. Why can't I get him some little "people"/action figures to play with his trains and cars that don't beat people up, aren't army, etc. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking and shopping in the wrong place, but I live in Los Angeles not in some rural place with only a small amount of commercialism. It just makes me sad, really. And, makes me really hate to shop for my son. Good thing I've got a sister and some good friends with boys a year or two older than my son and we score nice used clothes and toys on a regular basis so I can avoid it as much as possible. But, hey, I've been Christmas shopping recently and it got me riled up all over again.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Early Riser
I was just lying in bed thinking about my upcoming trip this week and ALL of the medications I'm going to need to take with me. Let me tell you, it will be a bag in and of itself. Anyway, anyone who has gone through fertility treatment knows that it is recommended that you take all of your injections around the same time every day. I've been doing my Lupron, dex, and other morning meds around 5:30 am. A quick calculation shows that would be 8:30 am ET. I'll already be in work meetings at that time, but I'll only have to alter the time about an hour or two. Not bad really. The delestrogone is only taken every few days so I figure a bigger fluctuation in taking times will have less affect, but don't think I'll have to alter it too much anyway. I've been doing that about 7 pm P/10 pm ET which is probably pretty doable since I land around 8 pm ET and should be at the hotel and checked in (one would sincerlly hope) by 10 pm ET.
And, yes, it really does suck traveling east for work meetings that start so bloody early. Just not quite as badly as it could since I am typically an early riser anyway. The problem arises when I can't fall asleep and go to bed on west coast time and wake up on east coast time. All in all, I'm not really looking forward to it, but I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm gone. It's the leaving that's hard for me.
I haven't even left yet and I'm already looking forward to being home. I need to decide what I'm going to wear and pack and write out instructions on dog meds and emergency contacts, but the house is stocked in food and meds, human and K9, and I'm pretty ready. Oh yea, I need to get directions and figure out where I'm going when I get there and find a restaurant for a team dinner I'm hosting Wednesday night. Sigh. Tomorrow's going to be busy. This week is going to be busy. Blah, I hate that.
And, yes, it really does suck traveling east for work meetings that start so bloody early. Just not quite as badly as it could since I am typically an early riser anyway. The problem arises when I can't fall asleep and go to bed on west coast time and wake up on east coast time. All in all, I'm not really looking forward to it, but I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm gone. It's the leaving that's hard for me.
I haven't even left yet and I'm already looking forward to being home. I need to decide what I'm going to wear and pack and write out instructions on dog meds and emergency contacts, but the house is stocked in food and meds, human and K9, and I'm pretty ready. Oh yea, I need to get directions and figure out where I'm going when I get there and find a restaurant for a team dinner I'm hosting Wednesday night. Sigh. Tomorrow's going to be busy. This week is going to be busy. Blah, I hate that.
Tarot Reading - Fixed
Nothing better to do on a Sunday morning while waiting for Max to wake up so I thought I'd go all new age-y on you. A few weeks ago, before vacation and sickness and such, one of the blogs I read talked about doing a Tarot reading. And, of course, I had to go try. Did I post about this? I ended up asking several questions. The first and foremost on my mind was.....
Will I conceive and deliver another child?
Me, being me, saved off the results so I could reference back and re-read when I wanted. I think I did this really late one night when I was only dreaming about sleep.
My recent commenter, DrownedGirl, inspired me to post the results.
If you want to try this for yourself, you can do so here.
Edited to fix so that it is readable. Not that anyone other than me really cares or wants to read it anyway. But, you know that they say about us INFJ types, we tend to be a perfectionists and I just couldn't let it stand that way. Since I'm editing the post anyway, I'll just mention that it was amazing to see a few trends between the few questions that I did ask.
1. Your present position.
SEVEN OF VESICAS - Harvest
You have worked hard and willingly towards your goal, and have maintained a sense of purpose. Now is the time to bring in the harvest, to celebrate, and to relax. This card brings with it a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and the knowledge that the rewards you are about to reap will nourish you in every aspect of your life.
You have now realized that you must believe in yourself, and that confidence in yourself inspires other people to have confidence in you, because you make them feel secure. Because of this, success is assured.
2. What crosses you.
THREE OF STAFFS - Honesty
This is the time for honesty in your dealings with others. This card hints that you can trust those around you, and can feel centred and rooted in the everyday experiences of your life. Your self-confidence is high, and you are uncompromising about what you believe in, because you know that it works for you. Goals can be accomplished because of your steadfastness and determination.
The Three of Staffs also indicates that creative opportunities are coming your way. The image on the card shows a figure holding two staffs. The third staff is left behind, signifying that it is time to move on.
3. What is above you - The Future.
SIX OF CHALICES - Union
The Six of Chalices signifies great pleasure to be gained from a relationship. It is now time to allow yourself to freely give and receive. Love is being expressed on all levels, and can now be fully explored. With this card comes an attitude of trust, and an increasing sense of discovery as you move into the urge to unite and merge with another.
This brings to light aspects of yourself that previously remained hidden from view, and you are able to delight in the deeper knowledge that you are experiencing of yourself and another. You may be about to find yourself in the grip of a powerful attraction, that will enrich all aspects of your life. Remember that union with a partner is a reflection of the union that you also seek with the spiritual aspect of yourself.
4. What is beneath you - Passing out of your life.
THE HERMIT
The Hermit is the spiritual guide. It shows that you need to make some space in your life, in which you can reflect on your needs, and meet them. It is time for a period of withdrawal from worldly considerations, whether this takes the form of a holiday, a weekend break, or a day spent alone or with nature. This space will allow you to perceive your inner light, that which inspires you, and to nurture it.
The Hermit card does not mean that you deprive yourself of relationships with others, however. Its rulership of Virgo does indicate that you need to be discriminating about who shares your life, and that you are attracted to those with whom you have shared ideas and ideals. Someone could be entering your life whom you respect, and can learn a great deal from.
Perhaps you have been hiding your light under a bushel. If so, now is the time to let the beauty of your true self radiate outwards so that it can be recognised by others. Kindred sprits can then be drawn to you, who will accompany you on the next stage of your spiritual journey.
5. What is behind you - The Past.
SEVEN OF SWORDS - Boundaries
This card reveals the ability to set boundaries for what you want and do not want in your life, yet still be able to feel close to, and relate to other people. You are likely to feel stifled if your boundaries are overstepped. There is a need for you to retain your individuality, and claim your own sacred space. There is also an indication of respect for the sacred space of others.
Problems in relationships can now be resolved through clear, direct communication. You need to remain centred within yourself, and kindly but firmly state your needs and how they could best be met. It is also important that you listen to and respect the views of others who are in dialogue with you.
6. What is before you - The Future
TEN OF STAFFS - Responsibility
The ten of staffs shows that it would be helpful at this time to examine your attitudes towards responsibility. Do you see it as a burden or a gift? This card reminds you of the necessity to take full responsibility for what you bring into your life, with the knowledge that you always have a choice in how you view it or deal with it. Responsibility usually means hard work, but it also means that you are now mature enough to deal with it.
If life feels a burden at the moment, look at how you can ease this and make it more comfortable for yourself. Try taking a new perspective. Responsibility is a great teacher. Its lessons are the ability to celebrate who and what you are, and a willingness to embrace all aspects of life. You are capable of achieving more than you think you are!
7. Where you will find yourself.
FIVE OF VESICAS - Endurance
This card indicates that you are undergoing a testing time, while you are occupied with issues that are very important to you. The gift this brings is an awareness of your inner strength and fortitude. At this time, you can do little except wait and make plans.
This is not a time to take action - the solution will present itself to you when you are in a clear frame of mind and have set aside your anxieties. What is needed is for you to tend the flames of your imagination, look to what inspires you, and know that the situation is a temporary one and change is coming. The need for patience may be frustrating, but it will bring its rewards.
8. Your surroundings and - or how others see you.
KNIGHT OF SWORDS
The Knight of Swords indicates that there is a need to cut away the dead wood in your life. A clearing process is taking place, which entails a time of pruning, and of honing issues down into essentials.
This card advises you to look at what is no longer needed in your life. If something no longer serves a useful purpose, it is time to let go. New growth can take place once previous, unhelpful, issues have been dealt with, resolved, and released.
9. Your hopes - or fears
THREE OF CHALICES - Celebration
This card denotes a time of celebration, good news, and an abundance of love within a small group of people. It brings energy to close friendships, to families, and to group endeavours. New opportunities are coming your way that you can rejoice in, and which will enable you to share your good fortune with others.
An abundance of rich life experiences is on its way, and there is a sense of great happiness. Perhaps it is time for you to be more in touch with your inner child - the part of you that needs to laugh, play, have fun, and be sociable. If you have been taking life too seriously, it is time to lighten up and enjoy it!
10. The Outcome.
SEVEN OF CHALICES - Fantasy
This card shows that you now have the ability to tap into your fantasy life, and choose what you wish to focus on and manifest in your everyday life. At this time, you need to look carefully, and discriminate between what is a dream that can be used for inspiration, and what is an illusion which has no possibility of being grounded in reality. Dreams are very necessary to existence. They help to bring the likely into the realms of the possible.
You have the knowledge that a dream can become reality, you understand the gifts of dreaming, and you can now use that ability to enable yourself to realise a vision that inspires you. Think about what energy you wish to draw into your life. Write a wish list - a list of all that you need or desire - and keep it in a safe place. Then 'let go' of your attachment to those wishes, and allow the universe to manifest what you need at the right time.
Will I conceive and deliver another child?
Me, being me, saved off the results so I could reference back and re-read when I wanted. I think I did this really late one night when I was only dreaming about sleep.
My recent commenter, DrownedGirl, inspired me to post the results.
If you want to try this for yourself, you can do so here.
Edited to fix so that it is readable. Not that anyone other than me really cares or wants to read it anyway. But, you know that they say about us INFJ types, we tend to be a perfectionists and I just couldn't let it stand that way. Since I'm editing the post anyway, I'll just mention that it was amazing to see a few trends between the few questions that I did ask.
1. Your present position.
SEVEN OF VESICAS - Harvest
You have worked hard and willingly towards your goal, and have maintained a sense of purpose. Now is the time to bring in the harvest, to celebrate, and to relax. This card brings with it a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and the knowledge that the rewards you are about to reap will nourish you in every aspect of your life.
You have now realized that you must believe in yourself, and that confidence in yourself inspires other people to have confidence in you, because you make them feel secure. Because of this, success is assured.
2. What crosses you.
THREE OF STAFFS - Honesty
This is the time for honesty in your dealings with others. This card hints that you can trust those around you, and can feel centred and rooted in the everyday experiences of your life. Your self-confidence is high, and you are uncompromising about what you believe in, because you know that it works for you. Goals can be accomplished because of your steadfastness and determination.
The Three of Staffs also indicates that creative opportunities are coming your way. The image on the card shows a figure holding two staffs. The third staff is left behind, signifying that it is time to move on.
3. What is above you - The Future.
SIX OF CHALICES - Union
The Six of Chalices signifies great pleasure to be gained from a relationship. It is now time to allow yourself to freely give and receive. Love is being expressed on all levels, and can now be fully explored. With this card comes an attitude of trust, and an increasing sense of discovery as you move into the urge to unite and merge with another.
This brings to light aspects of yourself that previously remained hidden from view, and you are able to delight in the deeper knowledge that you are experiencing of yourself and another. You may be about to find yourself in the grip of a powerful attraction, that will enrich all aspects of your life. Remember that union with a partner is a reflection of the union that you also seek with the spiritual aspect of yourself.
4. What is beneath you - Passing out of your life.
THE HERMIT
The Hermit is the spiritual guide. It shows that you need to make some space in your life, in which you can reflect on your needs, and meet them. It is time for a period of withdrawal from worldly considerations, whether this takes the form of a holiday, a weekend break, or a day spent alone or with nature. This space will allow you to perceive your inner light, that which inspires you, and to nurture it.
The Hermit card does not mean that you deprive yourself of relationships with others, however. Its rulership of Virgo does indicate that you need to be discriminating about who shares your life, and that you are attracted to those with whom you have shared ideas and ideals. Someone could be entering your life whom you respect, and can learn a great deal from.
Perhaps you have been hiding your light under a bushel. If so, now is the time to let the beauty of your true self radiate outwards so that it can be recognised by others. Kindred sprits can then be drawn to you, who will accompany you on the next stage of your spiritual journey.
5. What is behind you - The Past.
SEVEN OF SWORDS - Boundaries
This card reveals the ability to set boundaries for what you want and do not want in your life, yet still be able to feel close to, and relate to other people. You are likely to feel stifled if your boundaries are overstepped. There is a need for you to retain your individuality, and claim your own sacred space. There is also an indication of respect for the sacred space of others.
Problems in relationships can now be resolved through clear, direct communication. You need to remain centred within yourself, and kindly but firmly state your needs and how they could best be met. It is also important that you listen to and respect the views of others who are in dialogue with you.
6. What is before you - The Future
TEN OF STAFFS - Responsibility
The ten of staffs shows that it would be helpful at this time to examine your attitudes towards responsibility. Do you see it as a burden or a gift? This card reminds you of the necessity to take full responsibility for what you bring into your life, with the knowledge that you always have a choice in how you view it or deal with it. Responsibility usually means hard work, but it also means that you are now mature enough to deal with it.
If life feels a burden at the moment, look at how you can ease this and make it more comfortable for yourself. Try taking a new perspective. Responsibility is a great teacher. Its lessons are the ability to celebrate who and what you are, and a willingness to embrace all aspects of life. You are capable of achieving more than you think you are!
7. Where you will find yourself.
FIVE OF VESICAS - Endurance
This card indicates that you are undergoing a testing time, while you are occupied with issues that are very important to you. The gift this brings is an awareness of your inner strength and fortitude. At this time, you can do little except wait and make plans.
This is not a time to take action - the solution will present itself to you when you are in a clear frame of mind and have set aside your anxieties. What is needed is for you to tend the flames of your imagination, look to what inspires you, and know that the situation is a temporary one and change is coming. The need for patience may be frustrating, but it will bring its rewards.
8. Your surroundings and - or how others see you.
KNIGHT OF SWORDS
The Knight of Swords indicates that there is a need to cut away the dead wood in your life. A clearing process is taking place, which entails a time of pruning, and of honing issues down into essentials.
This card advises you to look at what is no longer needed in your life. If something no longer serves a useful purpose, it is time to let go. New growth can take place once previous, unhelpful, issues have been dealt with, resolved, and released.
9. Your hopes - or fears
THREE OF CHALICES - Celebration
This card denotes a time of celebration, good news, and an abundance of love within a small group of people. It brings energy to close friendships, to families, and to group endeavours. New opportunities are coming your way that you can rejoice in, and which will enable you to share your good fortune with others.
An abundance of rich life experiences is on its way, and there is a sense of great happiness. Perhaps it is time for you to be more in touch with your inner child - the part of you that needs to laugh, play, have fun, and be sociable. If you have been taking life too seriously, it is time to lighten up and enjoy it!
10. The Outcome.
SEVEN OF CHALICES - Fantasy
This card shows that you now have the ability to tap into your fantasy life, and choose what you wish to focus on and manifest in your everyday life. At this time, you need to look carefully, and discriminate between what is a dream that can be used for inspiration, and what is an illusion which has no possibility of being grounded in reality. Dreams are very necessary to existence. They help to bring the likely into the realms of the possible.
You have the knowledge that a dream can become reality, you understand the gifts of dreaming, and you can now use that ability to enable yourself to realise a vision that inspires you. Think about what energy you wish to draw into your life. Write a wish list - a list of all that you need or desire - and keep it in a safe place. Then 'let go' of your attachment to those wishes, and allow the universe to manifest what you need at the right time.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
INFJ
Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
The other day, the famous Tertia over at So Close, was talking about how frighteningly accurate this Meyers-Briggs type test was. It has been years since I have done a Meyers-Briggs and I was in a really boring conference call, so I clicked over and answered the 140 or so questions and INFJ was the result. I have to tell you. I agree 100%. Frighteningly accurate. You can read more about INFJ here. You can go take the test here. Come on, go do it real quick, you know you want to. Then come back and let's discuss. I love this type of thing.
Most people find it very surprising that I'm classified as an introvert. If you use the definition of an introvert is one who get their energy from themselves and an extrovert as one who gets their energy from being around others, which the Meyers-Briggs test do, it makes more sense. I really enjoy my alone time. Heck, it is a Saturday night and I'm doing exactly what I wanted to do. Basically nothing, but hang out with myself. The thing I miss the most about my life before Max is my early morning hikes with the dogs. I often feel like a part of my soul has been cut out because this is no longer a regular part of my life and can get teary eyed just passing an old favorite trail even as Max has me laughing for some or other reason. I often have to remind myself that this is temporary and a sacrifice needed, but only for a short while. The relationship I was in just before I decided to give up on dating and focus on having a child/family as a single woman ended because of incompatibility "together time". I remember it clearly we had gone out on a Friday night of a three day weekend and were having a good time until I asked what he planned to do for the rest of the weekend. He had planned to spend it entirely with me where as I figured by spending Friday night with him I was good and clear for the weekend. Sorry, he had to go. You'll often hear me talking about going into cave mode or hibernation or just do a withdrawal when things have been too busy or stressful or scheduled. This is not a luxury. This is a necessity for me. I must have some alone time to recharge.
The other thing I find very interesting about the Meyers-Brigg is how little it has changed for me over the years. The first time or two I took it, I was a INTJ and as I have gotten older (and wiser?) I have rated more as a feeling than a thinking. I forget the exact percentages, but I have always been lower percentile in the Thinking/Feeling category on either side of the equation, kind of like a borderline situation.
My biggest "ah ha" from the whole personality test/trait when I first did it all those years ago, (gosh has it already been almost 20 years now, yikes) was the realization that other people did not think or process things like me, that they could take in the same data points and not only come up with a different outcome, but an entire different path to get it. Maybe it sounds simplistic or like common sense, but it had really never occurred to me before. Both the INTJ and INFJ are exceedingly rare with only around 1% of the population in each. I was and always am struck by that even as it just "feels" right (and it does, feel right that is).
Anyway, when I read the various description of an INJF it just seems to hit the target 100%.
In other news, my u/s yesterday went fine and my lining looked good so I was able to stop the Viagra. Hip Hip Horray! My e2 still sucked, but sucked less and went from 153 to 253 so we increased my E2V up to .4 cc's. I'm sure I'll be increasing Tuesday night again, but I'm not worried, it will be fine. Or not. But, it will be what it will be at this point so no point in worrying about it and I'm not.
My donor also had an u/s yesterday, but I was waiting for my PCP appointment for my eye medication when the call came in so I couldn't write down the number and sizes of follicles. I was thinking it all sounded fine and then my coordinator ended with "it's still early yet" leaving me wondering if I had missed something along the way.
Switching gears, I often go on and on and on around here about how great my son is and how amazing and great he is and how much he makes me laugh. All true. However, just to be clear, he isn't perfect and can be annoying as hell at times. Thank goodness he has me, who is usually pretty easy going, as his mom as he is pretty strong willed and there is the potential for many more clash of wills. For example, when he woke up from his nap and I went to give him a fresh diaper, he told me "no momma, I no want a fresh diaper" so he got to run around bare bottomed all afternoon. I could care less. Just not worth the argument and battle. Now, if he were urinating all over things, that would be another story, but he does and will go in the potty (or on occasion the grass "like the doggies" :).
The thing that is annoying me to end lately is the fact that we are having to change his bedding at least once if not twice a day for the last several weeks. He keeps taking off his clothes and peeing all over everything. The other day, he poo'd. This is not an accident. He's doing it on purpose and thinks it's funny. He's proud of himself. I told him this afternoon in no uncertain terms he was not to pee or poo in his crib. I could care less if he gets naked, but to call me (or Mimi, which is what he calls Noemi) if he needed to use the potty. He agreed. Instead he told me "Momma, spilt milk everywhere and made big mess. Everything wet." as I walked in to get him up from his crib with a big smile on his face. Ugh! It had me remembering with fondness the year between 1 and 2 when we only had to change is sheet/mattress pad once a week just for principle. Deep breaths and reminding myself that this is just a phase and it too shall pass helped a little. Still. Very annoying. Good thing I love that kid so much.
On the other hand, I'm exceedingly proud of him. He went poo in the big potty all by himself tonight. We had been in the bathroom because he had pee'd and he wanted to play in there. I wanted to finish washing the dinner dishes so said fine when he wanted to stay in there and play in the sink and listen to music (have an old record player/radio/tape combo unit in the bathroom). Then, my sister called and I got on the phone. I realized quite a bit of time had gone by and went to go check on him. He had moved the stool to the toilet, climbed up, and did the deed. He didn't even put the smaller seat cushion from his potty training chair on it, which he can and has done. By the look on his face, he was proud of himself as well. The funny thing is, I don't think he would have done it if I hadn't left him alone. He will almost always either go off to have a BM or wait until he's alone in his crib for a nap or the night. I'll have to remember to give him that privacy he seems to need.
Friday, November 30, 2007
eye infection (edited)
It's not even 5:30 am yet and I'm already feeling tired, worn down and wishing I could just stay in bed and have a good cry today.
Here's the email I just sent to one of the RE's in my clinic:
I've had this cold/virus all week and woke up with crusties and a swollen eye this morning so somehow managed to get an eye infection out of this. I am in for an u/s and e2 check today at 1 pm since I have to be out of town next week just to check the lining because my e2 was low (basically sucked) earlier in the week. Is there any way I can just get a prescription from you today while I'm in so I don't have to try to get into my primary care doctor today as well (the thought of having to tell them "what medications are you currently taking" seems too much in addition to the pure logistics)? If not, while I can't imagine it being an issue right now I have to ask (because he will ask or want to talk to you/the clinic), is there any antibiotic cream or whatever they will prescribe that would interfere with the cycle or something that would be better than another? I'll call the office between 8:30 - 9 am in case you don't happen to be the early bird riser/email checker that I am so I know whether to call the PCP. Thanks! See you this afternoon. Deb
Since I have two employees retiring today with exit interviews first thing, a meeting with my new boss, the u/s e2 appointment, an acupuncture appointment (that will have to go if I don't get the prescription from the RE and may have to get canceled anyway depending on my stress level), and a desperate need to get groceries especially milk before heading in to the weekend all while really needing to actually get some work done.
Suffice it to say my stress level is HIGH today.
A stressed out, fat, hormone induced, cold/virus ridden buggery coughing woman with a swollen/read/weepy eye infection. Just what the world needs. Looking and feeling lovely over here today -- NOT.
I'd give in to the whole crying fit, but I'm sure it will just make things worse so I'll buck up, suck it up, and trudge on.
ETA: And, now it is raining. Wonderful. This may not be a problem in the rest of the world, but a little rain around here really screws everything up making traffic horrible and at least doubles travel time. And, I won't tell you that Max is awake (early) and in his crib singing songs to the Sound of Music and just sounding adorable because that will ruin the whole 'tone' of this post about how hard and awful and completely joyless my life is. Yesterday morning he also woke up early and was just laughing and laughing and laughing in his crib. I went to go get him early just so I could try to find out what he was so amused. As near as I can tell, it was because he had taken off his socks and thrown them overboard. He got really quiet again when the rain started. Taking it all in. I'll probably give him and myself another 10 minutes of alone time before going and freeing him for the day.
ETA: OMG, my son is so darn cute I can hardly stand it. Hard to have a completely sucky day with him in it. He's now singing "It's raining it's pouring. Can't get out of bed in the MORNING". LOL. In spite of it all, he has me laughing over here. Let me go get him and offically start our day.
Here's the email I just sent to one of the RE's in my clinic:
I've had this cold/virus all week and woke up with crusties and a swollen eye this morning so somehow managed to get an eye infection out of this. I am in for an u/s and e2 check today at 1 pm since I have to be out of town next week just to check the lining because my e2 was low (basically sucked) earlier in the week. Is there any way I can just get a prescription from you today while I'm in so I don't have to try to get into my primary care doctor today as well (the thought of having to tell them "what medications are you currently taking" seems too much in addition to the pure logistics)? If not, while I can't imagine it being an issue right now I have to ask (because he will ask or want to talk to you/the clinic), is there any antibiotic cream or whatever they will prescribe that would interfere with the cycle or something that would be better than another? I'll call the office between 8:30 - 9 am in case you don't happen to be the early bird riser/email checker that I am so I know whether to call the PCP. Thanks! See you this afternoon. Deb
Since I have two employees retiring today with exit interviews first thing, a meeting with my new boss, the u/s e2 appointment, an acupuncture appointment (that will have to go if I don't get the prescription from the RE and may have to get canceled anyway depending on my stress level), and a desperate need to get groceries especially milk before heading in to the weekend all while really needing to actually get some work done.
Suffice it to say my stress level is HIGH today.
A stressed out, fat, hormone induced, cold/virus ridden buggery coughing woman with a swollen/read/weepy eye infection. Just what the world needs. Looking and feeling lovely over here today -- NOT.
I'd give in to the whole crying fit, but I'm sure it will just make things worse so I'll buck up, suck it up, and trudge on.
ETA: And, now it is raining. Wonderful. This may not be a problem in the rest of the world, but a little rain around here really screws everything up making traffic horrible and at least doubles travel time. And, I won't tell you that Max is awake (early) and in his crib singing songs to the Sound of Music and just sounding adorable because that will ruin the whole 'tone' of this post about how hard and awful and completely joyless my life is. Yesterday morning he also woke up early and was just laughing and laughing and laughing in his crib. I went to go get him early just so I could try to find out what he was so amused. As near as I can tell, it was because he had taken off his socks and thrown them overboard. He got really quiet again when the rain started. Taking it all in. I'll probably give him and myself another 10 minutes of alone time before going and freeing him for the day.
ETA: OMG, my son is so darn cute I can hardly stand it. Hard to have a completely sucky day with him in it. He's now singing "It's raining it's pouring. Can't get out of bed in the MORNING". LOL. In spite of it all, he has me laughing over here. Let me go get him and offically start our day.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
In memory.....
A year ago, a tragic car accident killed my RE. I could give the alleged details and reports of what happened. That could tell the how. I still ask myself and wonder 'why'. The lives of countless people were changed in that instant. For me, the year has dulled the shock and the pain and the grief. The sadness is still there.
If you've followed my story for any length of time, you will know how much Dr. N meant to me (and so many others). If you've followed my story for any length of time, you will know that this was a very difficult and emotional year from a ttc perspective, made even more difficult with the loss of Dr. N. Nothing was the same. Nothing will ever be the same again. I've cycled and been monitored with Dr. N's colleagues, but I would not really consider either my RE. And, I think if you asked them, they still see me as Dr. N's patient. I've really been my own RE this year based on what I learned from Dr. N. Often, I think and wonder how this year would have been different had that routine, weekly trip to teach hadn't ended his life. How it would have been different for me, his other patients, his wife and children, the daughter that he never saw or held or kissed. How it could have been different. I wonder if I would have, could have gotten pregnant with another child from my own eggs with my own genes. Questions that really have no answers. The reality is, for me, it likely made no physical difference. Emotionally, it made all the difference in the world.
I said it a year ago and I'll say it again today. It is just so unfair. It should never have happened. I'll never understand 'why'.
A year ago, I was, like now, in the preliminary phases of an IVF cycle. A modified Estrogen Priming protocol that Dr. N and I had cooked up as my best chance to conceive. I crashed and burned with poor response, again. In my heart of hearts, I knew at the time it was my last shot with my own eggs and that anything I did this year would just be doing what I had to do to move on. I've grieved the loss of another genetic child, a full sibling to Max along with my grieving for Dr. N.
I don't think I will ever really stop grieving for both. I've done what I had to do this year to come to peace. Time has done some healing and the grief isn't so raw or so present in my every day life. I can drive to and from the clinic without crying both ways at my loss(es). The grief and sadness isn't as intense, but I don't think it will ever be fully gone.
Nora Grace
If I'm ever fortunate enough to get pregnant again and have another child. Likely, that child will be named in memory of Dr. N. I've thought long and hard about it while hoping and praying and wishing upon that star for another child. And, if I am fortunate to have another child and that child is a girl (and some have predicted that I do and it is), I'm pretty sure her name will be Nora Grace. If, I'm fortunate enough to have another child and the child is a boy, I'm still undecided. After much thought and contemplating and pondering, I haven't quite come up with just the right boy name. Who knows, I could always change my mind. Heck, I went into the hospital planning to name Max Zachary Edward, Zachary Edward was going to be Audrey Elizabeth until around week 30 when I found out I was boy instead of a girl.
But, for some reason, Nora Grace just feels right.
Anyway, Dr. N, I can't believe it has been a year. I still miss you more than I could ever say. I really hope you are in a better place. I hope you know what a legacy you left behind with your family and kids and patients. Or, maybe you do know and are looking down still helping to guide and watch. Gently, from the sidelines. I have to say, if so, it just isn't the same. It will never be the same. Those you left behind are still affected. We will never forget you. Dr. N, I will never forget you. The tears I cry today on your behalf are not with the same shock and intense emotion as the tears I cried a year ago. However, they are just as sad.
Note: Dr. N's death was actually the morning of Monday, November 27, 2006. I've been thinking about him and his death all week. I've been drafting this entry in my head all week, but just didn't have it in me to actually write this post until today. I wasn't able to let it go enough the last few days. Hard day, hard week, hard year.
If you've followed my story for any length of time, you will know how much Dr. N meant to me (and so many others). If you've followed my story for any length of time, you will know that this was a very difficult and emotional year from a ttc perspective, made even more difficult with the loss of Dr. N. Nothing was the same. Nothing will ever be the same again. I've cycled and been monitored with Dr. N's colleagues, but I would not really consider either my RE. And, I think if you asked them, they still see me as Dr. N's patient. I've really been my own RE this year based on what I learned from Dr. N. Often, I think and wonder how this year would have been different had that routine, weekly trip to teach hadn't ended his life. How it would have been different for me, his other patients, his wife and children, the daughter that he never saw or held or kissed. How it could have been different. I wonder if I would have, could have gotten pregnant with another child from my own eggs with my own genes. Questions that really have no answers. The reality is, for me, it likely made no physical difference. Emotionally, it made all the difference in the world.
I said it a year ago and I'll say it again today. It is just so unfair. It should never have happened. I'll never understand 'why'.
A year ago, I was, like now, in the preliminary phases of an IVF cycle. A modified Estrogen Priming protocol that Dr. N and I had cooked up as my best chance to conceive. I crashed and burned with poor response, again. In my heart of hearts, I knew at the time it was my last shot with my own eggs and that anything I did this year would just be doing what I had to do to move on. I've grieved the loss of another genetic child, a full sibling to Max along with my grieving for Dr. N.
I don't think I will ever really stop grieving for both. I've done what I had to do this year to come to peace. Time has done some healing and the grief isn't so raw or so present in my every day life. I can drive to and from the clinic without crying both ways at my loss(es). The grief and sadness isn't as intense, but I don't think it will ever be fully gone.
Nora Grace
If I'm ever fortunate enough to get pregnant again and have another child. Likely, that child will be named in memory of Dr. N. I've thought long and hard about it while hoping and praying and wishing upon that star for another child. And, if I am fortunate to have another child and that child is a girl (and some have predicted that I do and it is), I'm pretty sure her name will be Nora Grace. If, I'm fortunate enough to have another child and the child is a boy, I'm still undecided. After much thought and contemplating and pondering, I haven't quite come up with just the right boy name. Who knows, I could always change my mind. Heck, I went into the hospital planning to name Max Zachary Edward, Zachary Edward was going to be Audrey Elizabeth until around week 30 when I found out I was boy instead of a girl.
But, for some reason, Nora Grace just feels right.
Anyway, Dr. N, I can't believe it has been a year. I still miss you more than I could ever say. I really hope you are in a better place. I hope you know what a legacy you left behind with your family and kids and patients. Or, maybe you do know and are looking down still helping to guide and watch. Gently, from the sidelines. I have to say, if so, it just isn't the same. It will never be the same. Those you left behind are still affected. We will never forget you. Dr. N, I will never forget you. The tears I cry today on your behalf are not with the same shock and intense emotion as the tears I cried a year ago. However, they are just as sad.
Note: Dr. N's death was actually the morning of Monday, November 27, 2006. I've been thinking about him and his death all week. I've been drafting this entry in my head all week, but just didn't have it in me to actually write this post until today. I wasn't able to let it go enough the last few days. Hard day, hard week, hard year.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Donor started stims, and other random thoughts
My donor had her baseline u/s sound yesterday and started stims. She had 20 preantrals....ON EACH SIDE...for a total of 40. Holy crap is all I can say to that. Really, I hope that no more than 20 are retrieved because I think that quality gets compromised with too much quantity. But, 40. Wow! As I told my coordinator, I don't think I had 40 total the entire time I've been ttc. I hope she doesn't over stim again. She got mild OHSS last time. We lowered the dosage. The protocol is solid. What will be will be at this point.
My e2 was 153 on Monday, which basically sucks. I did better about remembering my Viagra today. In part, because a friend gave me a fertility bracelet last night that I wore as a reminder. Another friend gave me a fertility stone on Monday night. Both said they had been carrying them around for me for ages, maybe even a year. I'm hoping it is extra good luck that they both gave them to me now.
I was thinking it was my good fortune that Max decided to take off his diaper and poo and pee all over his crib during nap time (not on my watch) so I didn't have to clean up the mess until I went to put him down for bed and realized it smelled too bad in there to have gotten cleaned all the way. Had to pull the crib out to get to a monster size BM and clean poo off the wall and outside of the crib.
I'm tired of coughing and stuffy noses and sucking on cough drops, but I am feeling better than I have been the last few days. Not great, but better.
My cousin left today and the house seems a bit quiet and lonely and empty even if I was ready for a break and some true alone time (after Max is in bed for the night).
Hard to stay too down about things with Max around. He's just talking up a storm. Singing all of the songs in Sound of Music. And, decided the last two nights that he wants to "hug your arm momma. Sleep with your arm." and proceeds to cuddle himself around my hand and arm in a big body hug. Just made my heart melt, but not enough to let him get away with it for more than 30 seconds or so. He is a charmer, but as I told him. Shadow and City need a turn and I'm tired and want to go to bed myself.
My e2 was 153 on Monday, which basically sucks. I did better about remembering my Viagra today. In part, because a friend gave me a fertility bracelet last night that I wore as a reminder. Another friend gave me a fertility stone on Monday night. Both said they had been carrying them around for me for ages, maybe even a year. I'm hoping it is extra good luck that they both gave them to me now.
I was thinking it was my good fortune that Max decided to take off his diaper and poo and pee all over his crib during nap time (not on my watch) so I didn't have to clean up the mess until I went to put him down for bed and realized it smelled too bad in there to have gotten cleaned all the way. Had to pull the crib out to get to a monster size BM and clean poo off the wall and outside of the crib.
I'm tired of coughing and stuffy noses and sucking on cough drops, but I am feeling better than I have been the last few days. Not great, but better.
My cousin left today and the house seems a bit quiet and lonely and empty even if I was ready for a break and some true alone time (after Max is in bed for the night).
Hard to stay too down about things with Max around. He's just talking up a storm. Singing all of the songs in Sound of Music. And, decided the last two nights that he wants to "hug your arm momma. Sleep with your arm." and proceeds to cuddle himself around my hand and arm in a big body hug. Just made my heart melt, but not enough to let him get away with it for more than 30 seconds or so. He is a charmer, but as I told him. Shadow and City need a turn and I'm tired and want to go to bed myself.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
sups = PITA
I was supposed to do 4 Viagra suppositories today. Started off great. Twelve hours later, I remembered I never did doses 2 and 3. Sigh. So, I doubled up and will try to remember to take one in the middle of the night. That should al most get me to 4. Sure hope my lining doesn't completely suck. Now, extra glad I have that early appointment on Friday.
Suppositories are a PITA in the best of time, but annoying beyond belief when you have a bad cough. Insert suppository. Cough. Suppository comes out. Insert again. Cough. Suppository comes out. If you have done suppositories, you have not a clue what I'm talking about. And, if you have, you know all too well.
Plus, I have to be extra, extra careful. Check twice and all that. To make sure I don't accidentally take the progesterone suppositories instead of the Viagra ones since they look exactly the same on the outside and only this small label on the packaging bag tells the tale.
Can't tell you how much fun I'm having now. Still feel terrible. My cousin is leaving tomorrow and I pretty much left her to her own devises and climbed into bed after taking some cold/cough medicine and a warm bath.
Is it just me, or does this seem like the longest cycle in the history of cycles?
I wonder how my donors baseline u/s went and if she started stims today.
Suppositories are a PITA in the best of time, but annoying beyond belief when you have a bad cough. Insert suppository. Cough. Suppository comes out. Insert again. Cough. Suppository comes out. If you have done suppositories, you have not a clue what I'm talking about. And, if you have, you know all too well.
Plus, I have to be extra, extra careful. Check twice and all that. To make sure I don't accidentally take the progesterone suppositories instead of the Viagra ones since they look exactly the same on the outside and only this small label on the packaging bag tells the tale.
Can't tell you how much fun I'm having now. Still feel terrible. My cousin is leaving tomorrow and I pretty much left her to her own devises and climbed into bed after taking some cold/cough medicine and a warm bath.
Is it just me, or does this seem like the longest cycle in the history of cycles?
I wonder how my donors baseline u/s went and if she started stims today.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Today is done
Today is done. Tomorrow starts another one.
Back to work for me today. Didn't make a dent in my email, but cleared it enough that I can actually send outgoing messages again.
A rare and nice dinner out with friends tonight.
A stop by the clinic for a blood draw. E2 number was low so they are up'ing my delestrone for tomorrow. Possibly, I should be worried the number was so low and the meds were increased, but can't muster the energy at the moment. I'd tell you what it is, but don't remember exactly as I got the number while driving and couldn't write it down. Must email coorinator to vefify and get details. Maybe it was 145 or 153 and ideal would have been in the 500's. Increase e2v to .3 (up from .2). Worst case scenario (in regards to me and my response) is that my lining will suck and I won't go to transfer. It will be what it will be.
Trip out of town next week for work to meet new boss and do organization planning. If it had to be during a (very expensive) cycle, it really are the best days. As much of a pain as it is, it really is an honor as only 6 people in our entire organization was invited; 3 out of the 6 are a direct report to me; and I was the only one of my peers. Had it been any other days, I would have had to regretfully decline. I'm glad I don't.
Still not feeling great. Feeling better. Not great.
Long, busy, mostly good day. I'm glad it's done. Maybe I'll get more done tomorrow after being able to put in a full day of work.
Back to work for me today. Didn't make a dent in my email, but cleared it enough that I can actually send outgoing messages again.
A rare and nice dinner out with friends tonight.
A stop by the clinic for a blood draw. E2 number was low so they are up'ing my delestrone for tomorrow. Possibly, I should be worried the number was so low and the meds were increased, but can't muster the energy at the moment. I'd tell you what it is, but don't remember exactly as I got the number while driving and couldn't write it down. Must email coorinator to vefify and get details. Maybe it was 145 or 153 and ideal would have been in the 500's. Increase e2v to .3 (up from .2). Worst case scenario (in regards to me and my response) is that my lining will suck and I won't go to transfer. It will be what it will be.
Trip out of town next week for work to meet new boss and do organization planning. If it had to be during a (very expensive) cycle, it really are the best days. As much of a pain as it is, it really is an honor as only 6 people in our entire organization was invited; 3 out of the 6 are a direct report to me; and I was the only one of my peers. Had it been any other days, I would have had to regretfully decline. I'm glad I don't.
Still not feeling great. Feeling better. Not great.
Long, busy, mostly good day. I'm glad it's done. Maybe I'll get more done tomorrow after being able to put in a full day of work.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I'm ready
I'm ready to have my house back to myself.
I'm ready to be feeling better.
I'm ready for Max to take a nap.
I'm ready to take a nap myself (although that seems highly unlikely at the moment).
I'm ready for a new foster dog, and looks like I'll be getting a temporary placement of a 2 year old, which is WAY younger than what I would normally take in.
I'm NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow.
I'm ready to be feeling better.
I'm ready for Max to take a nap.
I'm ready to take a nap myself (although that seems highly unlikely at the moment).
I'm ready for a new foster dog, and looks like I'll be getting a temporary placement of a 2 year old, which is WAY younger than what I would normally take in.
I'm NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Fire, not the actual flame kind (edited)
I woke up several hours ago with my throat on fire. The 3 o'clock hour is never a good one to wake in, at least for me. It makes the next day really, really long. Several hours later, several cups of tea later, and after a bath, I'm only feeling bad, not awful.
Remembered that I forgot that Max has his gym class this morning. If he's feeling okay, I'll probably sacrifice the floor cleaning to go. Yet, will not be sacrificing nap time to do the floors. As disgusting as they are, they will likely have to wait as I don't think my cousin will be up for doing them either as she met me in the kitchen on my first trip in saying she'd been up for a few hours and was trying to get back to sleep.
Lupron and folic acid are taken care of for the day so now I only need to remember the important E2V shot this evening.
Probably won't, but going to try to catch a few more zzzzz's before Max wakes up.
ETA: Ha, ha, ha. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, Max awoke. Throat still really hurts. No gym class for either of us. Max is off to shop with my cousin. I have permission to leave the floor and climb into bed, which is what I have done/am doing. Blah, I hate being sick, especially on my last few days of vacation.
Remembered that I forgot that Max has his gym class this morning. If he's feeling okay, I'll probably sacrifice the floor cleaning to go. Yet, will not be sacrificing nap time to do the floors. As disgusting as they are, they will likely have to wait as I don't think my cousin will be up for doing them either as she met me in the kitchen on my first trip in saying she'd been up for a few hours and was trying to get back to sleep.
Lupron and folic acid are taken care of for the day so now I only need to remember the important E2V shot this evening.
Probably won't, but going to try to catch a few more zzzzz's before Max wakes up.
ETA: Ha, ha, ha. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, Max awoke. Throat still really hurts. No gym class for either of us. Max is off to shop with my cousin. I have permission to leave the floor and climb into bed, which is what I have done/am doing. Blah, I hate being sick, especially on my last few days of vacation.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Turkey Day
Nice day here. Pre-cooked, heat and serve meal from Gelsons was the way to go. Everyone, except Max and I, got a nap. Max played nicely in his crib during nap time, but was too excited with the company and the promise of another Jeep ride. When I went in and asked him if he was ready to get up he said "YES! JEEP RIDE" that had my cousin laughing from two rooms away. My sister is staying the night and the car seat is still in her car so I bet he gets one more before she goes. :) He's feeling a lot better, but still battling a cough and congestion. And, I'm also now battling a cough, but not feeling too badly. I only got mildly annoyed once with my cousin when she shouted for her daughter, who was across the house, to come and change the channel for her in the room she was in so she didn't have to get out of bed and once with my mom who called me in from the other room to change the TV channel, but all and all a very pleasant, low key holiday. My cousin said her favorite, least stressful Thanksgiving ever. We have another few low key days planned so it should be nice. As I told my cousin, the only thing I really wanted to get done tomorrow was the floors that I wanted to get done before she even got here and never did, They are just so dirty and gross and I can't take it. I asked for her to take both the kids for an hour or so in the morning so I could do them or I could take the kids out and she could do them. I think she wants to do some shopping so will likely do that with them while I clean up, which is fine.
Cycle wise, just cruising. Today was just a dex, lupron, folic acid day. So, two pills and one small shot. Nothing to it. I'm just double checking the schedule regularly to make sure I don't miss anything or do something stupid. Plus, now have to remember to give Max meds twice a day in addition to all the meds I already give Shadow. Doesn't seem like it should be hard, but ... sadly, it is.
One of the books I got for Max recently was called, The Night Before Thanksgiving. It was the best $4 I've spent in a long time. I've read it over and over and over to Max this week. He calls it the "eating book. Momma, read the eating book." Yes, good to know after the holiday is over. I know.
Anyway, the day was just the way I think a holiday should be. Fun. Filled with family. Relaxing and relatively stress free.
I know I lead a sad, boring existence, but I even got out of the house for a bit after Max was asleep while my cousin and I ran to the drug store (my sister watched the kids) because I decided I needed a humidifier and Vicks Vapo Steam for my room too tonight. It happens so rarely. I told my cousin it is kind of freeing.
Cycle wise, just cruising. Today was just a dex, lupron, folic acid day. So, two pills and one small shot. Nothing to it. I'm just double checking the schedule regularly to make sure I don't miss anything or do something stupid. Plus, now have to remember to give Max meds twice a day in addition to all the meds I already give Shadow. Doesn't seem like it should be hard, but ... sadly, it is.
One of the books I got for Max recently was called, The Night Before Thanksgiving. It was the best $4 I've spent in a long time. I've read it over and over and over to Max this week. He calls it the "eating book. Momma, read the eating book." Yes, good to know after the holiday is over. I know.
Anyway, the day was just the way I think a holiday should be. Fun. Filled with family. Relaxing and relatively stress free.
I know I lead a sad, boring existence, but I even got out of the house for a bit after Max was asleep while my cousin and I ran to the drug store (my sister watched the kids) because I decided I needed a humidifier and Vicks Vapo Steam for my room too tonight. It happens so rarely. I told my cousin it is kind of freeing.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Sick, Sick, Sick Again
Sick, Sick, Sick Again, my son is sick again, wearily, wearily, wearily, back to the peds we went.
Confirmed ear infection. Perked right back up after the first dose of meds, administered in the car before leaving the parking lot. Not how I really planned to spend Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving, but what's a mom to do. When the alternative is a miserable, sick, whinny child for Thanksgiving when only the ER would be open. Yep, called quicker than you can blink and eye to get in. I'd like to say it was my awesome mommy intuition that diagnosed. However, even if you over look the classic mild fever after a week long cold, the "mommy, owie, ear owie" as Max pointed to his ear pretty much told the tale. I have to tell you, this having a kid who can talk and communicate is incredible, even if a good portion of the time you hear, "no, mm mm" as in "not happening and you can't make me".
When people ask me how I spent my vacation, taking care of my sick child will be the standard response. While 100% true, it only tells half the tale.
I'm so glad we ordered precooked, heat and serve meal that was picked up today supplemented by a few appetizers which are already made and we're going to supplement with a box of stove top stuffing and a few desserts that are already made. The only thing that needs to be done tomorrow really is cutting up a few veggies. I think we are all feeling tad weary and under the weather so it is nice to not have a lot of cooking and cleaning stress.
Didn't take the dex today and that has helped a lot, although taking it I think has helped me from getting the full blown cold/virus Max has had.
I woke up at 4 something am (after my 6 solid, uninterrupted hours of sleep), still a bit upset about the whole vet incident so I purged most of the remaining angst over the whole thing by writing a letter to my vet to send if she didn't call back today. She did call back, but I missed her call while dealing with sick boy so maybe we can connect on Friday. A combination of the writing purge and the call back even if we didn't talk has let me put the whole incident behind me. I still have a few things to say to the vet, but it will be not be coming from the emotional pool when we do.
Off to check laundry and head to bed. Had to wash my bath mats after a massive bleeder when doing my delestrogen shot last night. I was too slow on the draw as tired as I was and left a bloody mess. Sigh. It was a big ole mess. See, that's what I get for even thinking about not having bruises and bleeders the other day. Sure fire way to jinx yourself. Just talk, mention, or even think about the fact that it hasn't happened.
Confirmed ear infection. Perked right back up after the first dose of meds, administered in the car before leaving the parking lot. Not how I really planned to spend Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving, but what's a mom to do. When the alternative is a miserable, sick, whinny child for Thanksgiving when only the ER would be open. Yep, called quicker than you can blink and eye to get in. I'd like to say it was my awesome mommy intuition that diagnosed. However, even if you over look the classic mild fever after a week long cold, the "mommy, owie, ear owie" as Max pointed to his ear pretty much told the tale. I have to tell you, this having a kid who can talk and communicate is incredible, even if a good portion of the time you hear, "no, mm mm" as in "not happening and you can't make me".
When people ask me how I spent my vacation, taking care of my sick child will be the standard response. While 100% true, it only tells half the tale.
I'm so glad we ordered precooked, heat and serve meal that was picked up today supplemented by a few appetizers which are already made and we're going to supplement with a box of stove top stuffing and a few desserts that are already made. The only thing that needs to be done tomorrow really is cutting up a few veggies. I think we are all feeling tad weary and under the weather so it is nice to not have a lot of cooking and cleaning stress.
Didn't take the dex today and that has helped a lot, although taking it I think has helped me from getting the full blown cold/virus Max has had.
I woke up at 4 something am (after my 6 solid, uninterrupted hours of sleep), still a bit upset about the whole vet incident so I purged most of the remaining angst over the whole thing by writing a letter to my vet to send if she didn't call back today. She did call back, but I missed her call while dealing with sick boy so maybe we can connect on Friday. A combination of the writing purge and the call back even if we didn't talk has let me put the whole incident behind me. I still have a few things to say to the vet, but it will be not be coming from the emotional pool when we do.
Off to check laundry and head to bed. Had to wash my bath mats after a massive bleeder when doing my delestrogen shot last night. I was too slow on the draw as tired as I was and left a bloody mess. Sigh. It was a big ole mess. See, that's what I get for even thinking about not having bruises and bleeders the other day. Sure fire way to jinx yourself. Just talk, mention, or even think about the fact that it hasn't happened.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Shattered
My nice zen mood was shattered today. In a big way.
No, no. My u/s went fine. My e2 is only 18, which is good. I'm all set to start the estrogen injection tonight. My cycle continues to go well.
No, the fact that I realized this morning that after a week on Lupron, I was supposed to have been refrigerating it didn't do it. I was a bit irritated with myself, but have been around long enough that I was pretty sure I hadn't ruined my entire cycle and the world wasn't ending. Which my coordinator confirmed when I went in for my appointment along with the fact that I don't need to replace it.
No, what has me all upset, is what was supposed to be a quick stop by the vets office to get refills on Shadows meds. I didn't need to pick them up today, but was going right past the office and could leave early enough to stop in on the way as long as they were ready. Which, I was assured they would be and that I would be called if they weren't. Not only were they not ready, the person hadn't even gotten approval yet. I explained that I was in a hurry and did not have time to wait today and would come back later, but they insisted they would do in now. Which she did do, but not quickly. I have not been really happy with my vets office staff, which is young and relatively new, recently, but they really were quite rude and unprofessional this morning. I have a call into my vet to discuss (as I told them I would be doing), but actually have no confidence they will actually give her the message. I'm upset enough that I will follow up until I discuss this with her even if I have to make an appointment to do so. I really do like my vet and have been going to her, gosh for at least 10 - 12 years now even though she is a bit far and not very convenient, but if her office staff continues to be discourteous, I will be changing and plan on telling her so.
I left the vets crying and late and just cried on and off to my appointment and in fact have been crying on and off since. I can't even nap I'm so upset.
When I got to my appointment, 10 minutes late (after having to wait 15 minutes at the vets), the receptionist, joked with a "your late missy" before she saw my face. To which, I replied I know and burst into tears all over again. I think they were all king of shocked since I'm not usually very emotional and have been there through a lot of bad times like multiple m/c, multiple cycle cancellations, Dr. N's death, etc. and I have never burst into tears while actually in the office. They were all so nice about it and had me laughing and joking by the end of the visit.
But, when I try to quite my mind enough to sleep, I just get all upset and steamed all over again. I'm usually pretty reasonable and I know that I'm making much more out of this than needs to be, but I just can't seem to help myself. I tell myself not to let some young, foolish, inconsiderate people ruin your day and take your power away. Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, I'm having a hard time letting it go.
Just a little more sleep would help. All together. Without interruption.
My coordinator and I agreed for me to start taking the dex every other day. That should help a little.
Hopefully, I'll be back to my normally scheduled zen state by tomorrow. It was here. I was doing fine. Until, just like that....it was gone. No warning. No build up. Snap.
Being all worked up and emotional is too much work and too tiring for someone who is already tired. I hope my vet does call me back relatively quickly so I can say what I feel like I have to say and put the whole thing behind me.
No, no. My u/s went fine. My e2 is only 18, which is good. I'm all set to start the estrogen injection tonight. My cycle continues to go well.
No, the fact that I realized this morning that after a week on Lupron, I was supposed to have been refrigerating it didn't do it. I was a bit irritated with myself, but have been around long enough that I was pretty sure I hadn't ruined my entire cycle and the world wasn't ending. Which my coordinator confirmed when I went in for my appointment along with the fact that I don't need to replace it.
No, what has me all upset, is what was supposed to be a quick stop by the vets office to get refills on Shadows meds. I didn't need to pick them up today, but was going right past the office and could leave early enough to stop in on the way as long as they were ready. Which, I was assured they would be and that I would be called if they weren't. Not only were they not ready, the person hadn't even gotten approval yet. I explained that I was in a hurry and did not have time to wait today and would come back later, but they insisted they would do in now. Which she did do, but not quickly. I have not been really happy with my vets office staff, which is young and relatively new, recently, but they really were quite rude and unprofessional this morning. I have a call into my vet to discuss (as I told them I would be doing), but actually have no confidence they will actually give her the message. I'm upset enough that I will follow up until I discuss this with her even if I have to make an appointment to do so. I really do like my vet and have been going to her, gosh for at least 10 - 12 years now even though she is a bit far and not very convenient, but if her office staff continues to be discourteous, I will be changing and plan on telling her so.
I left the vets crying and late and just cried on and off to my appointment and in fact have been crying on and off since. I can't even nap I'm so upset.
When I got to my appointment, 10 minutes late (after having to wait 15 minutes at the vets), the receptionist, joked with a "your late missy" before she saw my face. To which, I replied I know and burst into tears all over again. I think they were all king of shocked since I'm not usually very emotional and have been there through a lot of bad times like multiple m/c, multiple cycle cancellations, Dr. N's death, etc. and I have never burst into tears while actually in the office. They were all so nice about it and had me laughing and joking by the end of the visit.
But, when I try to quite my mind enough to sleep, I just get all upset and steamed all over again. I'm usually pretty reasonable and I know that I'm making much more out of this than needs to be, but I just can't seem to help myself. I tell myself not to let some young, foolish, inconsiderate people ruin your day and take your power away. Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, I'm having a hard time letting it go.
Just a little more sleep would help. All together. Without interruption.
My coordinator and I agreed for me to start taking the dex every other day. That should help a little.
Hopefully, I'll be back to my normally scheduled zen state by tomorrow. It was here. I was doing fine. Until, just like that....it was gone. No warning. No build up. Snap.
Being all worked up and emotional is too much work and too tiring for someone who is already tired. I hope my vet does call me back relatively quickly so I can say what I feel like I have to say and put the whole thing behind me.
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