Sunday, July 13, 2008

The great escape day

This mornings setback with Nora has left me really down. Defeated, down, lethargic, depressed are all words that come to mind. Sad, yes, sad is in there too. It just all seems too much sometimes. I can't say I did much of anything but try to escape in a bit of TV and a novel. I talked to another doc today who didn't think it was pneumonia but some sort of blood infection. All sort of cultures were sent off, but it will take at least 24 - 48 hours to get results back. She felt it was bacterial, not viral. And, I really don't think I have a cold anyway at this point. Run down, deflated, bone tired...yes...but more likely situational rather than medical. Stuffy nose and cough...tears and a drippy nose will do that, at least for me. I thought about going to the hospital, but just couldn't muster the energy. I could barely muster it to pump. Have I mentioned how much I hate pumping? I'm so tired of it most of the time it's all I can do to force myself to do it. The only saving grace is that my yield is usually good so it's worth the effort. Tomorrow will be time enough to face reality, but I just couldn't do it today. I couldn't go to the hospital and face Nora sick. I just knew I would just sit there and cry and cry and worry and worry. Almost always during this whole time, I've had a deep belief that it will all work out in the end and that I'll take two healthy babies home sometime in August. Today, doubt crept in. What if I'm wrong? What if all is not ultimately okay? After all, I was so sure that I would at least make it to 34 weeks before delivering and we all know how that worked out. What if my precious baby girl doesn't make it? Instead of facing my current reality and my fears, I took most of the day just to escape into fiction and do almost nothing at all. I couldn't even call to get an update because I knew I couldn't take any bad news. However, I did just muster the energy to call and while Nora's nurse is at break, Ray's nurse said Nora looked a lot better tonight than in the morning. She said Ray is looking good and doing fine and being a stinker by not taking his bottle in spite of being wide awake and alert as can be. He gained weight and is the 4 lb range now and they increased his nippling to every 2 out of 3. Now that I've called maybe I'm getting out of my little funk cause I'm itching to hold Ray and wishing I was there to give him his bottle. Maybe I'll go in the middle of the night if I can't sleep. I hate this. I hate every part of my babies being so vulnerable and young and in the hospital, except for the part that I know they are getting the best of the best care around and they need it and the care they are getting. Most days I can steel up and get my defenses up high enough that I can just keep on getting on. There have been a few days where I have thought the stress might break me. Today, I had to check out of it all so that it didn't. Tomorrow is another day. I hope a better day. Either way, it is mine to face. I keep praying that God gives me the strength I need to be the type of person and mom I want to be. Not the person I was today who checks out, because they just can't take it.


QuiltingChaos said...

You may not always feel like it, but you ARE the mother you should be and the mother they need...
You are strong and amazing are doing an incredible job.

Laura in L.A. said...

Debbie, as always, what Margie said.

Please don't judge yourself so harshly. Your body is recovering from a c-section, and a twin pregnancy, AND you're lactating! Plus, you're incredibly stressed and worried, and traveling daily to the NICU. Oh, yeah, and you're parenting an active 2-year-old boy! And an elderly dog! And everything else! You should probably be in bed all day, 4 days out of 7!

You are doing a superhuman job, and doing it very, very well.

Love, Laura