Wednesday, September 19, 2007

What if your "gut" is wrong?

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and not sure where to start. I found out today that the financing for my DE cycle isn't going to be ready by the time I need it. I'm only on cd15, but it sure feels like I will be getting my period any day now. I'm not typically a crier, but seem to be crying over every little thing the last day or so. I've asked Max's nanny to be home at a certain time and put Max to sleep by around 12:30 every single day this week because he is napping until anywhere from 4 - 5:30 pm the last week or so which is messing up bedtime. Work is a PITA, but it is work and pays the bills. I'm getting over a cold and mostly feeling better, but not 100%.

But, here is the biggest worry....

Max has been attending a few programs through a ready to school program with his nanny several days a week. Originally, it was a Monday music class for 1 hour in the morning and a 3 hour Mommy and Me class that follows the school year (been off for summer, but just started up again) on Thursday mornings. His regular Thursday teacher went out on maternity leave. The new teacher felt he would benefit from attending a Tuesday session they have an ESL (English as a second language) class for Noemi that provides day care by the same teacher in an adjoining room. I happily agreed because I think it would be/is good for both Max, although not for really the same reasons she suggested. They have been doing this for maybe 4 - 6 months now weekly including the summer.

I talk to the people who run the program usually several times a month for some reason or another. Occasionally, forms get sent home that I fill out and turn back in around various things. I got a message from Max's teacher yesterday afternoon, but not until after she had left for the day. I didn't think too much about it, but because of her tone I mentally made it a priority to call her back sooner rather than later. I had a 10 - 15 minute break between meetings this morning and was able to talk to her, but was totally not prepared for what she had to say.

She was requesting permission to put a referral in for Max to "The Regional Center" for a full evaluation of Max because she has concerns with his motor skills. I first agreed and then asked for a bit more information on why she felt that way and what she was observing in the short amount of time I had left to talk with her. She said that Max is a lot more comfortable with them and smiles and interacts and talks (which he wasn't doing before and why she originally recommended him attend the Tuesday class), but that his motor skills don't seem to be strong and he doesn't have good grasp strength. I asked for some examples or what she observed to help me better understand. She said they have this cash register toy where you push the coins in the slot and that Max has a very hard time with it and eventually gets it, but gets very frustrated and struggles, that he seems to stumble a lot, and walks on his tippy toes a fair amount. We don't have a cash register toy, but I have witnessed similar when he works with sorter toys and puzzles. I also agree that he stumbles and falls on a fair amount, but really didn't think too much about it since I'm not all that gracefully myself and the sperm donor said he was a bit clumsy and uncoordinated and I'm not sure he stumbles or falls any more or less than the next kid and his center of gravity is different since he is so tall and skinny. I actually meant to ask Max's ped or at least mention it during Max's 2 year appointment, but only mentioned that Max wasn't interested in blocks or stacking them and forgot about the tippy toe thing.

I did a couple of quick Internet searches on motor skills while in a few work meetings that didn't need my entire attention and it is enough to freak a person out
with either Autism or Sensory Processing Delay as the only information I got back from my searches. Although, I'll admit I am a really bad Internet searcher so I'm sure there is better information out there for someone more skilled at tapping into it or I may find if I can give my full attention to it.

I have call into a good friend who has researched this and is dealing with some of it with her son, but at least had heard of the regional center and knew what to ask the teacher because of her and other mom's dealing with this sort of thing in some on-line communities I read/participate.

I also called his pediatricians office and had a good talk with their wonderful nurse. She was just as great on the phone today when I got all emotional and started crying as she was when I called when Max was an infant and upset because of jaundice or some other such worry or concern. I have an appointment for next Wednesday with Max's doctor to discuss. We agreed and I had already planned to call the teacher back when I had more time and wasn't as emotional to ask more questions and get more information to share with Dr. H.

I want to know what is best case scenario, what is worse case scenario, what is the most likely scenario, what it means and what should I do and look out for?

I have always heard that you should go with your gut on these things. If you think there is a problem, get it checked out because you are likely right. I have asked this before, even before it was so personal and close to home...What if your gut tells you everything is fine? How will you know if you are wrong?

My gut tells me and always has told me that Max is fine, but I don't know what I don't know. I see a side of Max that is very different than what others see. He seems to act very different with me or when I'm around than when I'm not. He seems like a completely normal 2 year old to me. But, I'm not sure I know what normal is at this point. When does each child's' normal development rate become a sign of more serious problems? What is normal? You couldn't stop me from having a full assessment done by the regional center at this point. I need more information and I want it now. And, that's not the way things work on this sort of thing.

I'm still in a bit of shock on the whole topic and haven't really had time to process it yet. And, my schedule is such that I may not for awhile. Maybe that is a good thing. In the mean time, I'll try not to burst into tears over every little thing. Sometimes life seems harder than others and it's feeling awful hard right now. Hard enough that I quickly questioned my sanity on trying to have another child/children and going through with the DE cycle. However, you couldn't stop me from going forward with that right now no matter how much it will complicate my life this fall and beyond or how much extra stress it will add. It took me awhile to come to the decision to move forward, but I've felt such peace with the decision and more excitement (and fear) about it than I have in a long, long time about anything.


Jen said...

I wouldn't overly stress about it. It sounds as if the worst is possibly some time with an Occupational Therapist. From what you've said of Max, I don't think it sounds like Autism, that's just from what I've learned through my Special Ed classes (and trust me, I've had A LOT of them). The fact that they are catching it early on is great and then when he gets into full time school he'll have that pencil grip down and do just fine :) Regional center is there to help out parents, just ask questions, lots of them and be an advocate for Max, that's the best thing you can do :) *HUGS*

Care said...

Deb, I am sorry - I know how it feels to hear those recommendations, and when it catches you off guard it's even more of a punch to the gut. Most likey your gut is right, and I certainly hope it is. The assessment will give you valuable information, and if there are any concerns at that point, you are getting an early start. I wish you didn't have this worry on top of job stress, and donor cycle stress, and everything else. Hopefully they can get the ball rolling on the assessment process so you can start to get some feedback fairly quickly.