Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Max's 2 Year Pictures

I just love getting pictures done. Here are Max's 2 Year Pictures. My cousin was in town and we planned it to get pictures of them with Max. I especially wanted to have one of him and CC as she is the most fun and interesting person and love of his life. I got them back last night and here they are. I'm really pleased with how they turned out.

Max and Mommy

Momma's Shoes


CC and Max - Ride 'em Cowboy!

The whole gang!

I keep thinking that it will be easier to get "good" pictures of Max as he gets older. It's still a workout and I'm always amazed that we get any with him smiling. I love the one with him on the horse with my shoes. He was so "done" and I knew we hadn't got a good picture of him by himself yet. So, I offered up my shoes to him as he is in a total "momma's shoes" phase. And, finally we got the picture.

While in messing with these pictures, I took another browse through the DE pictures I have. I came to realize that it is her childhood pictures rather than her adult pictures that really drew me to her. There is one picture of her as a preteen with a retainer and long thick hair that just could have been me at the same age. In fact, my cousin, when I showed her, thought it was me. I'm still mostly on board and at peace with moving to donor egg.

I do have moments of fear and panic or sadness.

When I look at her nose and compare it to mine (of which I think is the only clear attribute of mine that Max inherited) and am sad that if I am fortunate enough to have another child, they won't have my nose. Then, I remind myself that they also won't inherit my fat gene and struggle their whole life with feeling and being fat. And, I'm fine again.

When I look at her cycle history from her previous 5 cycles and realize that she hasn't cycled in almost a year and a half, I worry that her body and response will have changed and I'll be her only dud cycle. Along the same line, when we talk about having her labs done, I worry that her FSH will have sky rocketed or they will find some problem and we will decide not to proceed.

I'm starting to worry about which RE will be in charge of the case and plan to ask my coordinator about that since I would rather have Dr. A if at all possible even as busy as he is. I have come to like Dr. Q, but he just doesn't have the same level of experience yet and I'm paying a lot of money for this. I have a lot of hopes and dreams riding on this cycle.

I worry that I have changed and that even though I have carried a child to term, that there is some unknown hidden problem with me that will cause this not to work. And, swear to myself I'm going to be better about drinking my water and getting exercise and all of those "other" things that could or could not make a difference.

Mostly, I'm glad that I have years of ttc experience and have been through the process so many times. I know that as much as you try not to worry, you do. Even over stupid little things that need no worry. And, the higher the ante, the more stress and worry. I'm sure there are ttc failures that I haven't had, but I've had enough to know that if I have another I won't break. I'll survive, like I have all the others. I remind myself that you only have so much control in this process...so little control...and you just need to take deep breaths and let it go.

Speaking of letting it go, I'm thinking about starting up acupuncture again. Not with the one that I have been using, but the one that I love. The one over the hill. Not because I think it will help my fertility, but to help the stress.

I'm more excited about anything than I have been in awhile about this cycle. And, conversely getting more and more worried about it and the outcome.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Oh I really and truly hope this cycle works for you. No one deserves it more!

Thank you so much for the list of things to obsess over :) I'm totally thinking of passing the buck off to family and friends. Of course I have one that just went through her own pregnancy and one that is currently 4 months pregnant so they will find all KINDS of fun things to talk about I'm sure!!!!!