Saturday, September 15, 2007

Guilt and other random thoughts

I would love to be napping right now. In fact, I was drifting off and so relaxed and comfy and starting to dream. And, the cat started puking on my bed. Damn it! The opportunity is lost for today. Did he know that I have been dreaming about a nap, set up my whole day to increase the possibility and is getting back at me for something?

Anyway, I've been browsing a few job posting after my cousin got laid off and actually applied to one last night. I'm not sure that I want it, which is a good thing, since I forgot to put my employer on the resume. Hey, I was tired and converting an internal resume. Oh well, we will see if I get a call back. I'm more than qualified for the job, but don't think too qualified. Probably, they will not want to pay me what I would request to make a move. However, it was interesting enough and close that I decided to actually update my resume and submit and application.

Now, on the the guilt....

Mostly, I'm fine with this whole moving to donor egg thing and not having a genetic connection. I worry more about how the child might feel at some point in the future, especially with Max having a genetic connection. Then, remind myself that you just don't know so no point in speculating. It will be what it will be and I hope to be able to include in the contract the possibility for any child/children to meet said donor at least once if they desire when they are a legal adult.

However, I've had to catch myself a few times with ....

Maybe if I had lost the weight

Maybe it was the bug spray from the monthly service for ants and spiders

Maybe using the microwave too much

Maybe heating things on plastic in the microwave

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe...

Then, I remind myself that it doesn't matter, really. My ovaries are fried. I'm getting nothing. Because of that, I'm mostly at peace with my decision and just waiting to get the ball rolling once the loan goes through.

Once or twice, I think about what if I go through all this and it doesn't work. Will I really be done like I think I will be? Probably, but I would also be devastated. I need to make some plans around Max's preschool, but find myself wanting to do things differently if I do get preg. or if I don't. So, I feel in so many ways like I'm in a holding pattern for now to the end of the year.

I want to get this show on the road. I want to be pregnant again already. Short of that, I want to be working my way through the task list. Pay agency, pay clinic, get contract in place, etc. etc. I want my calendar so I can see if my plans to go to Arizona for Thanksgiving will be impacted and if so, by how much.

But, I wait, wait, wait until the refi loan goes through. And, wish I were napping.

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