The Tease

Where to start? Where to start?

It has been a very busy week at work and after work and lots of appointments/get togethers with friends. I have lots to say and update, but I'm not feeling the love tonight. Taking a shower and washing my hair (oh, the cliche about washing your hair on a Saturday night) which I can't even remember when I last washed and is starting to get itchy is going to take precedence.

Plus, I found this Spider Solitaire game on my computer that I think I'm currently addicted. My win percent is slowly going up after at least 10 losses in a row as I get the hang of it. For those who know the game, I'm talking about the intermediate level with two suits. I've gone from 0% to 29% with my last win.

When I get the time and the motivation, I want to talk about Max's pediatrician appointment on Wednesday, my DE cycle, and how I'm sure I'm about to ovulate as I've felt follicles growing all week and was within walking distance of my RE's office and only mildly felt like going and getting a follicle check.

The end.

PreSchool

Max's nanny had a doctor's appointment this morning so I used it as an opportunity to take Max to visit a preschool that I really liked. It has one spot left in the 2 year class and I was prepared to put a deposit down and have him start after the first of the year. And, I didn't. I decided I need to think about it some more. It is just one teacher with 7 - 8 kids, all boys except 1 girl. And, it just felt chaotic. They don't want the children playing with toys or other distractions, but it takes like 5 minutes or more to transition. There was no teachers helper and when the teacher needed to leave the room to change a poopy diaper, she had to call another teacher over to watch both classes (open floor plan with 3 classes, but blocked by a rolling shelf to keep the kids from wandering into the other spaces). The teacher seemed a bit overwhelmed. But, they just split the toddler class and graduated this group into a 2 year class and today was the very first day for all of the kids and this teacher in the new classroom so that had to play into it. I'm going to look at a few more. Maybe go back to this other school I looked at and didn't take Max to that had a teacher with an assistant in each class. It didn't feel awful, just almost no individual attention, but my expectations are probably not realistic. I talked to another one of Max's teachers in his Tuesday/Thursday mommy and me classes and she said that the state ratio was 1 - 12 sot a 1 - 8 was really good. I think about putting him in, then go to visit and then think I need to keep him home for longer. Sigh. I guess I'll keep looking.

ETA: This was a Montessori school. They were outside playing when we got there, but moving inside. Then, it was wash hands and change diapers and into the new classroom after the teacher was done (kids were watched by the other two teacher in the big room until then). Then, it was snack time. Transition to circle time with songs. Transition to some Montessori puzzles, which only 1 of the kids was interested in and could really do. Transition to coloring. Next was transition to potty time, wash hands, then lunch, then nap so we left. We were there about 2 hours and I was exhausted, not because it was physically taxing, but it was just so many kids in a small area with only one teacher trying to keep everyone on task.

The thing I like most was that she always used positive language asking the child to do what she wanted, not telling them that they shouldn't or couldn't do something.

Ick!

I haven't been liking my job much lately for a lot of reasons that one can't really get into in such a public forum, but I have a renewed appreciation for it today. I have come across a job that I could never do no matter how much money I was paid. Dead Animal collector. Yet, I'm incredibly glad that not everyone feels that way.

I was out of town for the weekend. We got home tired. I noticed a smell in the house and looked around, but couldn't identify the smell. I took out all the trash, started the laundry, kept looking around. Today, it was getting worse and identified the source as the guest bathroom, which I had looked in. I went outside and found a possum had dislodge the little access area and died inside.

I called Dead Animal pickup and talked to a really witchy lady who said the city couldn't remove it since it was under the house, technically, even though I explained that they could just reach in a get it, and asked her to send someone anyway. Hoping that whoever came would take pity on me. In the mean time, I called the company that I have monthly service with and my normal guy was going to come out. He was supposed to be here at noon and the city came at 12:10 pm. I explained and told him I was told that he couldn't get it, but the other guy was late. And, he just pulled it out by his tail and bagged him and hauled him off for me. It was so gross and maggoty I can't even tell you. I thanked him profusely. My pest control guy got here about 5 minutes later, relieved he didn't have to deal with it, told me that had saved me a lot of money, sprayed in there really good, and then did my monthly service since he was here. Then, Max's nanny sprayed it with bleach really good. I didn't asked and planned on doing it myself after my work meetings. But, I think she was motivated to try to reduce the putrid smell in here. Probably, all of above said activities have had a desired affect and it isn't quite so disgusting around here.

Thank God that there are people willing to do this for a profession (and that the city guy did it and I didn't have to pay extra for it), cause I just know. I couldn't have done it myself. I started gaging and almost lost it just watching the guy from about 20 feet away.

Taking Turns

I've been meaning to mention that after taking a short break and not wanting to be bathed or wet at all, Max moved quite awhile back from those sink baths he loved to wanting to take showers. We got into a routine where he would just shower with me in the morning and then continue to play in the water/tub, usually with the shower water beating down on him while I get ready. It was a very nice routine and I liked it. However, I have to say that my son has gotten to be a big ole' water hog and has decided that he should get ALL the turns under the water. As he tells me..."No Momma's turn. Max's turn. Max's turn. No Momma's turn" as he's trying to shove me out of the way. Good thing I weigh more than he does and love him so much. I've decided that in the long run, it is good that he is starting to get this concept of taking turns, even if he does think he should get them all right now. But, I'm not enjoying my showers nearly as much as I have in the past. Then, I remind myself, that this too shall pass and he will be on to the next phase soon enough.

Blah, Blah, Blah

How I'm feeling? Extremely anxious, high strung, stressed mixed with some anger and sadness.

How I want to be feeling? Calm, serene, at peace

I probably should go take a warm bath the help me relax and settle so I can get some sleep tonight, but I really don't feel like getting wet.

And, this is probably stating the obvious to everyone except me, I came to the conclusion between yesterday and today after very limited Internet reading and several conversations with friends who have experience and know these things, that it is so unlikely that Max has a brain tumor that will kill him, or severe autism, or sensory delay disorder, that I probably shouldn't worry about it. And, if he does have a delay or issues with his fine motor skills, it may JUST mean that he has a delay with his fine motor skills. Nothing more and nothing less. I realized that I read into and fed off of what the teacher didn't say and how she said it probably more or just as much as what she said.

I really have to catch myself from wishing my life away right now, cause I really wish it were Christmas already with the cycle behind me with hopefully the best Christmas present with the cycle having worked. I can't believe how stressed out and anxious I feel right now. I think once I get the whole money thing worked out and pay everyone what I need to pay them I'll be feeling a lot better.

Maybe I will go take that relaxing warm bath after all.

What if your "gut" is wrong?

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and not sure where to start. I found out today that the financing for my DE cycle isn't going to be ready by the time I need it. I'm only on cd15, but it sure feels like I will be getting my period any day now. I'm not typically a crier, but seem to be crying over every little thing the last day or so. I've asked Max's nanny to be home at a certain time and put Max to sleep by around 12:30 every single day this week because he is napping until anywhere from 4 - 5:30 pm the last week or so which is messing up bedtime. Work is a PITA, but it is work and pays the bills. I'm getting over a cold and mostly feeling better, but not 100%.

But, here is the biggest worry....

Max has been attending a few programs through a ready to school program with his nanny several days a week. Originally, it was a Monday music class for 1 hour in the morning and a 3 hour Mommy and Me class that follows the school year (been off for summer, but just started up again) on Thursday mornings. His regular Thursday teacher went out on maternity leave. The new teacher felt he would benefit from attending a Tuesday session they have an ESL (English as a second language) class for Noemi that provides day care by the same teacher in an adjoining room. I happily agreed because I think it would be/is good for both Max, although not for really the same reasons she suggested. They have been doing this for maybe 4 - 6 months now weekly including the summer.

I talk to the people who run the program usually several times a month for some reason or another. Occasionally, forms get sent home that I fill out and turn back in around various things. I got a message from Max's teacher yesterday afternoon, but not until after she had left for the day. I didn't think too much about it, but because of her tone I mentally made it a priority to call her back sooner rather than later. I had a 10 - 15 minute break between meetings this morning and was able to talk to her, but was totally not prepared for what she had to say.

She was requesting permission to put a referral in for Max to "The Regional Center" for a full evaluation of Max because she has concerns with his motor skills. I first agreed and then asked for a bit more information on why she felt that way and what she was observing in the short amount of time I had left to talk with her. She said that Max is a lot more comfortable with them and smiles and interacts and talks (which he wasn't doing before and why she originally recommended him attend the Tuesday class), but that his motor skills don't seem to be strong and he doesn't have good grasp strength. I asked for some examples or what she observed to help me better understand. She said they have this cash register toy where you push the coins in the slot and that Max has a very hard time with it and eventually gets it, but gets very frustrated and struggles, that he seems to stumble a lot, and walks on his tippy toes a fair amount. We don't have a cash register toy, but I have witnessed similar when he works with sorter toys and puzzles. I also agree that he stumbles and falls on a fair amount, but really didn't think too much about it since I'm not all that gracefully myself and the sperm donor said he was a bit clumsy and uncoordinated and I'm not sure he stumbles or falls any more or less than the next kid and his center of gravity is different since he is so tall and skinny. I actually meant to ask Max's ped or at least mention it during Max's 2 year appointment, but only mentioned that Max wasn't interested in blocks or stacking them and forgot about the tippy toe thing.

I did a couple of quick Internet searches on motor skills while in a few work meetings that didn't need my entire attention and it is enough to freak a person out
with either Autism or Sensory Processing Delay as the only information I got back from my searches. Although, I'll admit I am a really bad Internet searcher so I'm sure there is better information out there for someone more skilled at tapping into it or I may find if I can give my full attention to it.

I have call into a good friend who has researched this and is dealing with some of it with her son, but at least had heard of the regional center and knew what to ask the teacher because of her and other mom's dealing with this sort of thing in some on-line communities I read/participate.

I also called his pediatricians office and had a good talk with their wonderful nurse. She was just as great on the phone today when I got all emotional and started crying as she was when I called when Max was an infant and upset because of jaundice or some other such worry or concern. I have an appointment for next Wednesday with Max's doctor to discuss. We agreed and I had already planned to call the teacher back when I had more time and wasn't as emotional to ask more questions and get more information to share with Dr. H.

I want to know what is best case scenario, what is worse case scenario, what is the most likely scenario, what it means and what should I do and look out for?

I have always heard that you should go with your gut on these things. If you think there is a problem, get it checked out because you are likely right. I have asked this before, even before it was so personal and close to home...What if your gut tells you everything is fine? How will you know if you are wrong?

My gut tells me and always has told me that Max is fine, but I don't know what I don't know. I see a side of Max that is very different than what others see. He seems to act very different with me or when I'm around than when I'm not. He seems like a completely normal 2 year old to me. But, I'm not sure I know what normal is at this point. When does each child's' normal development rate become a sign of more serious problems? What is normal? You couldn't stop me from having a full assessment done by the regional center at this point. I need more information and I want it now. And, that's not the way things work on this sort of thing.

I'm still in a bit of shock on the whole topic and haven't really had time to process it yet. And, my schedule is such that I may not for awhile. Maybe that is a good thing. In the mean time, I'll try not to burst into tears over every little thing. Sometimes life seems harder than others and it's feeling awful hard right now. Hard enough that I quickly questioned my sanity on trying to have another child/children and going through with the DE cycle. However, you couldn't stop me from going forward with that right now no matter how much it will complicate my life this fall and beyond or how much extra stress it will add. It took me awhile to come to the decision to move forward, but I've felt such peace with the decision and more excitement (and fear) about it than I have in a long, long time about anything.

Max's 2 Year Pictures

I just love getting pictures done. Here are Max's 2 Year Pictures. My cousin was in town and we planned it to get pictures of them with Max. I especially wanted to have one of him and CC as she is the most fun and interesting person and love of his life. I got them back last night and here they are. I'm really pleased with how they turned out.


Max and Mommy


Momma's Shoes

CC

CC and Max - Ride 'em Cowboy!


The whole gang!

I keep thinking that it will be easier to get "good" pictures of Max as he gets older. It's still a workout and I'm always amazed that we get any with him smiling. I love the one with him on the horse with my shoes. He was so "done" and I knew we hadn't got a good picture of him by himself yet. So, I offered up my shoes to him as he is in a total "momma's shoes" phase. And, finally we got the picture.

While in messing with these pictures, I took another browse through the DE pictures I have. I came to realize that it is her childhood pictures rather than her adult pictures that really drew me to her. There is one picture of her as a preteen with a retainer and long thick hair that just could have been me at the same age. In fact, my cousin, when I showed her, thought it was me. I'm still mostly on board and at peace with moving to donor egg.

I do have moments of fear and panic or sadness.

When I look at her nose and compare it to mine (of which I think is the only clear attribute of mine that Max inherited) and am sad that if I am fortunate enough to have another child, they won't have my nose. Then, I remind myself that they also won't inherit my fat gene and struggle their whole life with feeling and being fat. And, I'm fine again.

When I look at her cycle history from her previous 5 cycles and realize that she hasn't cycled in almost a year and a half, I worry that her body and response will have changed and I'll be her only dud cycle. Along the same line, when we talk about having her labs done, I worry that her FSH will have sky rocketed or they will find some problem and we will decide not to proceed.

I'm starting to worry about which RE will be in charge of the case and plan to ask my coordinator about that since I would rather have Dr. A if at all possible even as busy as he is. I have come to like Dr. Q, but he just doesn't have the same level of experience yet and I'm paying a lot of money for this. I have a lot of hopes and dreams riding on this cycle.

I worry that I have changed and that even though I have carried a child to term, that there is some unknown hidden problem with me that will cause this not to work. And, swear to myself I'm going to be better about drinking my water and getting exercise and all of those "other" things that could or could not make a difference.

Mostly, I'm glad that I have years of ttc experience and have been through the process so many times. I know that as much as you try not to worry, you do. Even over stupid little things that need no worry. And, the higher the ante, the more stress and worry. I'm sure there are ttc failures that I haven't had, but I've had enough to know that if I have another I won't break. I'll survive, like I have all the others. I remind myself that you only have so much control in this process...so little control...and you just need to take deep breaths and let it go.

Speaking of letting it go, I'm thinking about starting up acupuncture again. Not with the one that I have been using, but the one that I love. The one over the hill. Not because I think it will help my fertility, but to help the stress.

I'm more excited about anything than I have been in awhile about this cycle. And, conversely getting more and more worried about it and the outcome.

STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! - Edited

To use a phrase from my son....

Warning: Rant about to commence

My neighbors are having a party and have blaring music since early afternoon. And, it is not music I even remotely like. I don't like loud music. I don't play loud music. I like my quiet when I can get it. Normally, my neighborhood is quiet. A nice place to live. The music is so loud that is seems much closer than several houses away. I have a headache from trying to tune it out. I'm tired of it. I want it to stop.

I was here getting more and more tense and angry and frustrated. So, upset that I got up, got dressed, left my sleeping child and walked over and nicely asked them to please turn it down, explaining that my day starts at 5. They were very nice about it and invited me over said they would go turn it down. And, it changed exactly nothing. The music is still loud and obnoxious (to me).

I'm tired. I never did get that nap I so longed for. Now, I can't even get to fucking sleep because of all the fucking noise. It is noise pollution. It is hurting my ears. It is hurting my head. It is hurting my mental health. Please, please make is stop.

I actually thought about about calling the police, but I'm not that much of a smuck. However, I'm secretly hoping one of my other neighbors does even though it would get pinned on me since I did the, at least in my own mind, honorable thing by going and talking to them directly.

Please, please, please make it stop. It is inconsiderate and not very nice and annoying.

Edited: Okay, so I am a bigger smuck than I would like. No, I didn't call the cops, but I did go back over there...with Max in my arms, since he had woken up and couldn't get back to sleep with all the noise. I wasn't mean, but I sure wasn't as nice as I was the first time. And, the music got turned down to just loud not obnoxious to the point where your blood is boiling in time with the fast, hyperfast beat. Low enough that Max is now at least quiet again in his crib if not yet asleep. And, finally, I think they have turned it off. I really don't care if they consier me the bitch of the neighborhood. I really can't live like that. Sure, it's fine if you are at some wild dance club that doesn't play good mucsic or music to which you can actually dance. I rarely went to places like that. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. Maybe finally, I can get to sleep. I'm sure it won't be enough. I never feels like enough these days.

Guilt and other random thoughts

I would love to be napping right now. In fact, I was drifting off and so relaxed and comfy and starting to dream. And, the cat started puking on my bed. Damn it! The opportunity is lost for today. Did he know that I have been dreaming about a nap, set up my whole day to increase the possibility and is getting back at me for something?

Anyway, I've been browsing a few job posting after my cousin got laid off and actually applied to one last night. I'm not sure that I want it, which is a good thing, since I forgot to put my employer on the resume. Hey, I was tired and converting an internal resume. Oh well, we will see if I get a call back. I'm more than qualified for the job, but don't think too qualified. Probably, they will not want to pay me what I would request to make a move. However, it was interesting enough and close that I decided to actually update my resume and submit and application.

Now, on the the guilt....

Mostly, I'm fine with this whole moving to donor egg thing and not having a genetic connection. I worry more about how the child might feel at some point in the future, especially with Max having a genetic connection. Then, remind myself that you just don't know so no point in speculating. It will be what it will be and I hope to be able to include in the contract the possibility for any child/children to meet said donor at least once if they desire when they are a legal adult.

However, I've had to catch myself a few times with ....

Maybe if I had lost the weight

Maybe it was the bug spray from the monthly service for ants and spiders

Maybe using the microwave too much

Maybe heating things on plastic in the microwave

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe...

Then, I remind myself that it doesn't matter, really. My ovaries are fried. I'm getting nothing. Because of that, I'm mostly at peace with my decision and just waiting to get the ball rolling once the loan goes through.

Once or twice, I think about what if I go through all this and it doesn't work. Will I really be done like I think I will be? Probably, but I would also be devastated. I need to make some plans around Max's preschool, but find myself wanting to do things differently if I do get preg. or if I don't. So, I feel in so many ways like I'm in a holding pattern for now to the end of the year.

I want to get this show on the road. I want to be pregnant again already. Short of that, I want to be working my way through the task list. Pay agency, pay clinic, get contract in place, etc. etc. I want my calendar so I can see if my plans to go to Arizona for Thanksgiving will be impacted and if so, by how much.

But, I wait, wait, wait until the refi loan goes through. And, wish I were napping.

STOP IT!

Max has started saying "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" a lot the last day or two. And, I know it is not something I ever have said to him. And, it seems unlikely that Noemi has said this to him. So, I asked him who had said that to him and why? Hey, I figured it was worth a shot and I was curious (and keep forgetting to ask Noemi). When I asked, he got a big smile on his face, ran over to me and started pulling my hair and yelling stop it repeatedly. There you have it. I didn't get the who or the where, but I the why came through loud and clear. Ah, that son of mine. He does make me laugh, even when he is exasperating me like he has the last two nights.

The last two days, he has taken really long naps sleeping until almost 5 pm and his bed time is at 7 - 7:15 pm. I've thought about letting him stay up a bit later in the hopes that he may sleep a bit later, but I have to tell you he has been so hyper and mischievous (almost bordering on mean and he is not a mean kid) and rambunctious right before bed that I've put him in the crib and zipped him in earlier than planned to keep him from hurting me and the dogs in his zeal and singing to him with him in the crib (instead of in the rocking chair). He made a half hearted effort to fuss before settling down and putting in his song requests. And, my "I can't sit in the chair/sing longer because I need to take the dogs out to go pee pee and poo poo. They are waiting." works like a charm. He seems to really get this and by the time I am back in side, he has settled and quiet.

I'm reminding myself that this is just a phase like all others and it too shall pass, but have thought about waking him up earlier tomorrow as much as that goes against my grain. We will see. I'm just too tired for these type of antics before bed. Like him purposely spilling and dripping his milk all over his face, body, and couch laughing and thinking he is hilarious while I'm trying to diaper and cream and dress him for bed. Or, instead of picking a book or two to read for bed, throwing them all on the ground. Granted, he did pick them all up again when I asked... before doing it again to see what the reaction would be...then threw them back up the second time until I reminded him that "we don't throw our books". He's just testing and looking for a reaction. I understand this. But, right before bed when I'm tired is more strain on me to keep my cool and be consistent. I wanted to yell "STOP IT!", but I refrained.

Oh, and Shadow really is doing a lot, lot, lot better. I've been making sure she gets the softer bed the last few nights and upped her pain meds a bit and it isn't my imagination, she is doing better. Still limping a bit, but is walking around the house more and happy and able to go out in the morning and evening for a short walk down the lawn and back up. We haven't made it past our house yet, but I think that will come again. I'm so happy and relieved about this.

Water and Weight Loss

I found a web site called IHealthRecord (https://my.medem.com/mymedem/ui/action/home.do) a few weeks back and signed up. I think I was browsing for developmental milestones or something and took a link to another link to another link and found it and signed up. I haven't done much with the site, but did sign up to get a few news letters on various topics...one of which is around weight loss...which I think about more than I have taken practical steps on. I read the article below and found it very interesting. I, like probably most people, had heard that drinking water helped when dieting, but I had never heard the whys listed below other than the first one (an appetite suppressant). I vowed this morning that I was going to start drinking more water, because if I could do nothing else, I could do that. And, I didn't drink nearly enough water and drank more soda (Diet Caffeine free) than normal. Why? Why do I do that? It's almost like an internal sabotage. It did make me realize that I was always so much better about it, but I was also starting my day by hiking in the morning and drink while and after that which got things off to a good start. Tomorrow, I will just try to do better.

Article:
Water suppresses the appetite naturally and helps the body metabolize
stored fat. Studies have shown that a decrease in water intake will cause
fat deposits to increase, while an increase in water intake actually can
reduce fat deposits. Here's why: The kidneys can't function properly
without enough water. When they don't work to capacity, some of their
load is dumped into the liver. One of the liver's primary functions is to
metabolize stored fat into usable energy for the body. But if the liver
has to do some of the kidney's work, it can't operate at full throttle.
As a result, it metabolizes less fat, more fat remains stored in the body,
and weight loss stops.

Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the
body gets too little water, it perceives this as a threat to survival and
begins to hold on to every drop. Water is stored in extracellular spaces
(outside the cells). This shows up as swollen feet, legs and hands.

The best way to overcome the problem of water retention is to give your
body what it needs - plenty of water. Only then will stored water be
released.

If you have a constant problem with water retention, excess salt may be to
blame. Your body will tolerate sodium only in a certain concentration.
The more salt you eat, the more water your system retains to dilute it.
But getting rid of unneeded salt is easy - lessen salt in your diet and
drink more water! As water is forced through the kidneys, it takes away
excess sodium.

The overweight person needs more water than a thin one. Larger people
have larger metabolic loads. Since we know that water is the key to fat
metabolism, it follows that the over-weight person needs more water.

Water helps to maintain proper muscle tone by giving muscles their natural
ability to contract and by preventing dehydration. It also helps to
prevent the sagging skin that usually follows weight loss -- shrinking
cells are buoyed by water, which plumps the skin and leaves it clear,
healthy and resilient.

Water helps rid the body of waste. During weight loss, the body has a lot
more waste to dispose of. All that metabolized fat must be shed. Again,
adequate water helps flush out the waste.

Average intake: 8 glasses a day (about two quarts). And make sure to
increase your water intake during hot, dry weather and during brisk
exercise.

This message has been prepared by the Division of Endocrinology at Scott &
White Clinic as a means of providing health education to the public.

Dinner?

Last night, I asked Max what he wanted for dinner. It was a rhetorical question as I was pondering our choices. The response I got back was "JAMBA JUICE, JAMBA JUICE, JAMBA JUICE". Uncle Jim introduced him to Jamba Juice over the last two weekends and saying that Max loved it is probably an understatement. So, we went to Jamba Juice for dinner and split a drink and a soft pretzel since it was a better idea than what I was coming up with.

For breakfast this morning, he had "CC's Cereal" more commonly known as Rice Crispy cereal. And, then cheese, hard pretzels, and raisins while walking the dogs. And, then, some of my oatmeal.

What can I say, he's prey to the power of suggestion. He is a funny kid.

Oh, and Shadow seems to be doing a bit better today so I think I'm just going to watch and see for another day or two. And, I don't think I'm just seeing what I want to see.

Things that have me down

I'm sad.

I'm sad because my dog Shadow isn't doing to well. She's having a really hard time walking. It seems to be her right shoulder/arm. I'd take her into the vet, but I'm not sure I could get her into and out of the car. And, I'm afraid she'll recommend I put her down and I'm not ready for that yet. But, know that I never will be. I was up early this morning and decided I would call the vet and see if I could talk to her about it, but start to cry every time I even think about it so don't think I can even get through the conversation just now. I guess I'll hope and pray that tomorrow will be a good day. I just had Shadow in and the vet said not to count her out yet and that she would have good and bad days. I just don't want to be selfish and keep her around just for me if she is in pain or if it isn't the best for her.

I'm really unhappy in my job. Unhappy enough that I'm thinking about looking for another one or at least putting out feelers. I talked to my boss about it today and he said he thinks it will be getting better soon. I can't talk about the details, but I'm not sure how to do some of the things they want done with keeping my credibility as a leader or my integrity as an employee. It's not illegal, just bad leadership. I had lunch with a friend today and she asked me what I would want to be doing instead and, as I told her, really, what I'm doing now without all the BS that's going on right now.

My cousin, daughter, and husband (who I've know for almost 20 years and am friends with as well) came down again this weekend. Jim was layed off last week so stayed a few extra days. It was really great to have them here and to have Jim stay longer. Both Max and I loved it. Just the silly things like going around the neighborhood this morning following the trash truck. Or, Max taking a shower with Jim this morning instead of me (although Max tried to take one with me as well, but I wasn't buying it :). I'll miss having the extra adult around who is self sufficient, even if he did hog my laptop limiting my on-line time. It was nice.

I'm at the tail end of this cold and still not feeling 100%. I'm stuffy and tired, but no longer achy and exhausted.

Oddly, or maybe not so oddly, the fact that I was once again cancelled from an IUI, doesn't have me down. It's just a confirmation that moving to DE is the right thing for me and I feel at peace with that decision. My u/s today, after 4 days of 100 mg of clomid and 1 amp of (expired) Repronex, my two follicles on the left were at 10. They were 7 and 11 last Friday. The RE gave me the choice of adding injectables. I declined. As I told him, no point. I have some I could use, but may as well save them for someone who might actually respond to them. I may go back in if I feel like I may be close to ovulating to get it checked out for an IUI. Either way, with next bleed, I'm going on BCP's and calling it quits with my own eggs after this round. I'm ready.

Free, Free, Free ...AGAIN

For the second Saturday night in a row, I am child free for a much needed break. My cousin and her family came back into town and took him off to the beach after his nap. I'm just hanging out fighting off a bad cold and not feeling so great this Saturday (as opposed to the wonderful dinner a friends beach house last Saturday), but it is nice. We went to a local SMC gathering this morning and had a fab time like we always do with this group. Then, home for late naps. My cousins husband put Max down for his nap and they carted him off while I was still in bed (had just woken up, but didn't leave the room until after they were gone:). I have to say, it is kind of nice and this is the biggest break I've had ... two weekends in a row ...where I've had any kind of a break. I have to say, I'm enjoying it while I have the chance.

I think I will go take my clomid and shoot up my 1 amp of expired Repronex in my last hurrah cycle. I took inventory of my meds last night and found 4 vials of expired Repronex so decided to add 1 amp in a day. Hey, can't hurt and may help. I didn't take Dex this morning, but think I may tomorrow. Still trying to decide on that one. I'm feeling bad enough with this cold, I'm not sure I want to add taking a steroid on top of that, but it may help me feel better?

My Hail Mary

On to my last hurrah with my own eggs. My u/s showed two follicles on my left at 11 and 7. Nothing on my right, but no big suprises there. I'm going to take 100 mg of Clomid for 5 days to try to help the quality. Of course, this was my idea. Truthfully, I don't think it has a chance of working. For my cycle day, which I'm counting as cd4 (two days of spotting and two days of normal flow), I really shouldn't have follicles this big. I'm still trying to decide whether to add in the dex or not. And, I think I might look through my med stash and see if I have any expired or soon to expire inj. meds that I may add. Hey, it can't hurt and may help. I'm going to throw the long pass, the hail Mary, and what will be will be. At least I will be able to know, up until the bitter end, I tried and tried and tried with my own eggs.

I spent a few hours with the loan officer and my refinance loan is underway. Thirty days from now, right about the time I get my last negative with my own eggs, I'll have lots of cash on hand. Then, I'll be able to give the agency fee, contract with the donor I have selected, and hopefully be on my way to having another child. At least the odds will be better.

I'm tired and not feeling great and am going to have a house full of company again this weekend and have the 3rd year anniversary of our local SMC group that I'm very active with tomorrow. So, a busy weekend.

Ouch!

It was bound to happen. Inevitable really. Actually, it is amazing that it hasn't happened before or earlier really. Knowing all of that didn't take away the sting. For the first time, Max wanted his nanny over me. It's nap time and I told him he couldn't watch "Orchestra", his Baby Einstein Meet the Orchestra DVD. Then, I made him take off his "shoes", his little Robbie? slippers that he found in his closet this morning that he hasn't warn since last winter and refused to take off this morning so wore them to school and wanted to wear them to bed. So, he was pretty angry with me. I just said okay, came into my office, closed the door to cry. Tempered only a tad that Noemi knocked on the door with him a few minutes later because he now wanted me. Silly to let a 2 year old hurt your feelings. I know this. Still it is much easier when it happens to someone else. To HEAR about it happening as opposed to experience it happening.

It doesn't help that I'm tired and already feeling hormonal. I'm counting today as cd2, although it could be either cd1 or cd3. I started spotting on Tuesday, a bit more on Wednesday, and today I have full flow. I'm missing Dr. N after talking for a few hours with another one of his patients on the phone last night. I'm afraid I have scar tissue on that left side that can cause problems with a DE cycle, or a cyst, or wondering what it is exactly that I'm feeling over on that left side and figuring it can't be good (and hoping that it isn't bad), and trying to decide whether I want to try a clomid cycle this month before signing a DE contract.

No one said motherhood would be easy, but sometimes it is harder than others in different ways. I won't lie. I love being number one in my son's life. And, I know that truly I still am, but boy...him wanting her, over me, even knowing all I know intellectually. It still hurt my feelings.

ETA: I called and scheduled an u/s for tomorrow afternoon. Would have actually like to get in today, but they are in cycle and I knew it probably wouldn't have been possible. Unlike in the beginning of this ttc process, I know that one day really isn't going to make a huge difference one way or another, especially if it is what I would consider best case and it is a cyst since it's clear I didn't ovulate last month.

Labor Day Weekend 2007

We had a great (and busy) weekend with my cousin in town with her husband, daughter, and dog. Max just loves them so much. CC, his cousin, is just the best. Ozzy, their dog, rates pretty high as well. Uncle Jim moved up the scale this weekend with him teaching Max how to pee (standing up) on the tree outside, not exactly what I had in mind when I mentioned to Jim it would be good to show Max the ropes in that regard and take him into the bathroom with him a few times if the opportunity arose, but hey, I can go with the flow. Max and Uncle Jim really bonded at the beach when they went without me Saturday afternoon as I was out with an afternoon/evening of freedom. On Sunday, we just had professional pictures taken in the morning and swam and BBQ'd in the evening. Max really has come a long, long way in his swimming ability in just 1 week and was doing a lot of underwater time going between all of us in the pool. He just thought it was the greatest thing when I went under the water with him and we were looking at each other under the water. Today, we went back to the beach and stopped by my sisters on the way home for dinner. I know that I had a wonderful weekend and think Max did as well.


Max and Uncle Jim bonding at the beach with CC.


Not particularly the best picture of either Max or I, but we were having a good laugh before bed on Sunday night. And, it does show my new haircut. However, a much better one of us will be coming from our Sunday photo session.


My naked boy with "the family"


Max getting through a climbing play structure at the beach today.


He was just so darn proud of himself.

False Alarm

No idea why I spotted yesterday and got crampy, but no period, no more spotting, no notthing today. Hmmm. As tempting as it is to try to go in this week for a scan or hormone check just to get information to see what may be going on, really it is pointless since it doesn't really matter. No way I could be cooking a good quality egg in there right now. Still may try to do a clomid cycle before I go on BCP's and start prep'ing for a DE cycle. After doing so many back to back IUI cycles every chance I got after my last cancelled IVF last December, I had almost forgot how much lead time and planning goes into one of these events.

We are having a great weekend, but it has been busy and I'm very short on sleep. Ah, but I'm having fun and sleep can be over rated at times. Right?

cd1

Can you believe that? What an F'd up cycle. Today is something like cd18...to tired to walk across the house to look at the calendar or count from Tuesday which was something like cd11 or 12 when I got to see that sucky looking follicle, but it is something like that. I had a tad of light pink spotting earlier today and thought it was my imagination, but I have more spotting tonight and can am now feeling all crampy and period like so I bet full flow will be here by the morning.

Well, maybe I will go in for a cd3 baseline and try a clomid cycle and maybe throw in a low dose injectable as a last hurrah before signing a DE contract. Hey, it really can't get much worse than it is now other than if I lost my left tube, but even that doesn't seem that bad right now (and it may be blocked by scar tissue anyway) after all a tube is only useful if an egg, a decent one, is produced to be fertalized and traveled down.

Free, Free, Free

I was free of child, dogs, cat, fish and all responsibility of others for 8 or 9 whole hours today. It was great and I enjoyed every minute of it. I love my life and my responsibility, but it was nice to leave it home for a short, short while...and I got to talk about while gone and knew it would be there when I got back. A friend is staying at her families beach house for the week and invited me and some others for a girls night out. It was devine. Very tired since day started at 4 am, which wasn't so great. My cousin is in town and she watched Max for me. Half of them were alseep when I left just after nap time and the entire house was asleep when I got home, but by the looks of the pictures in the camera they had just a great time as I did at a different...much closer beach. I can't tell you how great it felt to drive away and then how great it was to get home. A very rare treat for me and I enjoyed every moment of it. I love that house. I love the view and sound of the ocean without actually being on the ocean. I loved the company. And, the moon on the way home was just spectacular.