No time to completely redo my labs post from the other day, but below are the basics. These were taken on cd3 from earlier in the month.
High
FSH – 11.9. Yes, high, but not as high as last month at almost 20 so I was fine with this.
Insulin – 21 and range was <17 uIU/mL
Low
Inhibin B – Was disappointed in this test as it only gave a range of over 30 (pre-menopausal) or under 30 (post menopausal). Wasn’t thrilled with being in an post menopause category and the fact that it was just a range. I knew I was under 30 (7 at last test), but I wanted to see if it increased at all like my FSH decreased. I’m going to ask that it be retested again on cd3 assuming this latest cycle didn’t work.
Fine
Estradiol – 42
Thyroid Panel
T3 – 27 (25-35%); T4 Total – 8.9 (4.5-12.5 mcg/dL); Free T4 – 2.4 (1.4 -3.8)
Glucose – 76, In Range (65-99 mg/dL)
CBC (Complete Blood Count) – lots of values, all fine
Urinalysis – basically fine, several values were out of range, but I was on cd3 and the sample contained blood, consistent with the findings.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Swimmers On Board
Max and I were up and out of the house very early to walk the dog then to the clinic for my IUI this morning. The sperm motility and such weren’t the best, but they were fine. The timing wasn’t perfect in that I had already ovulated* enough that the follicle was no longer seen, but I think still within an acceptable range that if it was a good egg there is still a chance. I guess since the egg was already there that if fertilization occurred, it would have already occurred by now. And, I’m now in yet another 2 week wait.
I was playing with Max in the spare room yesterday (rather Max was standing on his first climber slide, which has been stored in that room since it rained a few months ago, to reach the TV that is on a tall dresser playing with the buttons – on, off, changing channels, etc. while trying not to be too bored) and I came across a magic 8 ball someone at some point had left. I asked it two questions 1) Am I going to get pregnant this month? The magic 8 ball responded “YES”. 2) Am I going to get a live child as a result of the pregnancy? The m8b responded “Don’t Count On It”. And, there you have it.
I started dex this morning (probably would have started it over the weekend if I had thought about in then) and a drug called Rosiglitazone (which sadly insurance didn’t cover and I have pretty good insurance coverage). The dex is as a precaution since I have gotten pregnant 3 times and miscarried the two times I was not taking dex. Likely due to egg quality issues, but why take the chance. The Rosiglitazone is a drug used for Type 2 Diabetes. I do not have Type 2 Diabetes, but my insulin was a bit high (which you would already know if my lab posted didn’t get lost the other day). High insulin can affect egg quality. The drug is a category 3 drug so I’ll stop it immediately if I do get a positive beta in a few weeks. If not, maybe it will help the egg quality in a future cycle.
Not that I’m going to cancel my mammogram and sonocine breast u/s later this week, but I have decided that I should probably be more worried about heart disease and Type 2 Diabetes than breast cancer. The fine print on the Rosiglitazone (marketed as Avandia) indicates it can worsen heart disease if indicated. The combination of the high insulin, the ligature about the adverse affects, and some minor (very, very minor chest discomfort that I think was probably muscular related to better posture from some new bra’s I purchased and going to the chiropractor last week) has given me the kick I needed to really watch my carb intake and set up a physical to get a baseline. I have been thinking what is the point of having another child if my life is cut short for things within my control. And, Max (and any possible future children whether conceived with my own eggs or not) deserve to have as healthy a parent a possible. I really, really enjoy my carb’s. I’m only two days in and mourning the loss. I really need to get to the grocery store as I am out of almost everything (been weeks and weeks since I have done a big shop). I just keep repeating to myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I’m going to asked to have my Insulin level ** retest when I have my beta to see if there is any downward trend to help keep my motivated.
When I first started this ttc process many, many years ago. I used to get so excited right after an IUI thinking of the possibility. Today, it was just one more thing that needed to get done. I’m not unexcited, but I can’t say I’m hyped up either. Probably, lack of sleep; Max and I having our 4th or 5th cold in about 6 weeks; and less food/carbs isn’t helping.
Funny thing I have realized about 2 ww’s recently though is that they are, for me, much easier now than in the beginning. I have a lot more to occupy me (read a very active toddler) and a more realistic attitude about the odds for each given cycle.
So, the swimmers have already done their job by now or now. And, now we wait.
* I was always so darn paranoid about ovulating early that Dr. N let me come in several times and we did an IUI a day early just in case and I never, not once, ovulated prior to the 36 hour mark. Last month, I was ovulating at the 36 hour mark and could see it on the u/s and this month I had already ovulated. Dr. Q said I had “just” ovulated, but it had to have been longer than that since the follicle had already collapsed. He forgets I know these things.
** My insulin was 21 and in range should be <17 so it was high, but not crazy high. My fasting glucose was middle of the road at 76 and in range is between 65 – 99.
I was playing with Max in the spare room yesterday (rather Max was standing on his first climber slide, which has been stored in that room since it rained a few months ago, to reach the TV that is on a tall dresser playing with the buttons – on, off, changing channels, etc. while trying not to be too bored) and I came across a magic 8 ball someone at some point had left. I asked it two questions 1) Am I going to get pregnant this month? The magic 8 ball responded “YES”. 2) Am I going to get a live child as a result of the pregnancy? The m8b responded “Don’t Count On It”. And, there you have it.
I started dex this morning (probably would have started it over the weekend if I had thought about in then) and a drug called Rosiglitazone (which sadly insurance didn’t cover and I have pretty good insurance coverage). The dex is as a precaution since I have gotten pregnant 3 times and miscarried the two times I was not taking dex. Likely due to egg quality issues, but why take the chance. The Rosiglitazone is a drug used for Type 2 Diabetes. I do not have Type 2 Diabetes, but my insulin was a bit high (which you would already know if my lab posted didn’t get lost the other day). High insulin can affect egg quality. The drug is a category 3 drug so I’ll stop it immediately if I do get a positive beta in a few weeks. If not, maybe it will help the egg quality in a future cycle.
Not that I’m going to cancel my mammogram and sonocine breast u/s later this week, but I have decided that I should probably be more worried about heart disease and Type 2 Diabetes than breast cancer. The fine print on the Rosiglitazone (marketed as Avandia) indicates it can worsen heart disease if indicated. The combination of the high insulin, the ligature about the adverse affects, and some minor (very, very minor chest discomfort that I think was probably muscular related to better posture from some new bra’s I purchased and going to the chiropractor last week) has given me the kick I needed to really watch my carb intake and set up a physical to get a baseline. I have been thinking what is the point of having another child if my life is cut short for things within my control. And, Max (and any possible future children whether conceived with my own eggs or not) deserve to have as healthy a parent a possible. I really, really enjoy my carb’s. I’m only two days in and mourning the loss. I really need to get to the grocery store as I am out of almost everything (been weeks and weeks since I have done a big shop). I just keep repeating to myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I’m going to asked to have my Insulin level ** retest when I have my beta to see if there is any downward trend to help keep my motivated.
When I first started this ttc process many, many years ago. I used to get so excited right after an IUI thinking of the possibility. Today, it was just one more thing that needed to get done. I’m not unexcited, but I can’t say I’m hyped up either. Probably, lack of sleep; Max and I having our 4th or 5th cold in about 6 weeks; and less food/carbs isn’t helping.
Funny thing I have realized about 2 ww’s recently though is that they are, for me, much easier now than in the beginning. I have a lot more to occupy me (read a very active toddler) and a more realistic attitude about the odds for each given cycle.
So, the swimmers have already done their job by now or now. And, now we wait.
* I was always so darn paranoid about ovulating early that Dr. N let me come in several times and we did an IUI a day early just in case and I never, not once, ovulated prior to the 36 hour mark. Last month, I was ovulating at the 36 hour mark and could see it on the u/s and this month I had already ovulated. Dr. Q said I had “just” ovulated, but it had to have been longer than that since the follicle had already collapsed. He forgets I know these things.
** My insulin was 21 and in range should be <17 so it was high, but not crazy high. My fasting glucose was middle of the road at 76 and in range is between 65 – 99.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Remember, not cycling
Remember, I’m not cycling this month. That’s why I didn’t call the clinic* on a whim and go in for an u/s yesterday afternoon when I felt a nice plump follicle on the left side. That’s why the u/s I didn’t have didn’t show a 17 mm follicle and a good lining at 10.something. That’s why I didn’t trigger about 10 minutes ago. And, that’s why I won’t be going in for an IUI at 7:15 am Monday morning with Max in toe. Well, you know. I have no self control, that’s why I had to go on BCP’s last month. After all, this month could be the good egg; the one for which I have been waiting. Yes, it’s unlikely, but possible. HAHAHAHA, yeah, not cycling. Hey, if this one works, it will be the first time I’ve ever gotten pregnant on an unmedicated cycle. Yes, yes, I know, it’s unlikely. But possible.
I did a post up the other day going through all of my labs and what’s been going on since I last posted, but apparently – sadly-- that post is lost without ever having been published. And, since Max woke up at 3:30 am soaked completely through and never went back to sleep, I’m wiped out and going to pick up a bit and then crash.
* I heart my clinic. When I called to see if they had any doc’s in late on a Friday afternoon and if they had any openings for an u/s, they laughed told me yes Dr. Q was in; no they didn’t have any openings; but get here when I get here and they would fit me in. I love that kind of service. I really do.
I did a post up the other day going through all of my labs and what’s been going on since I last posted, but apparently – sadly-- that post is lost without ever having been published. And, since Max woke up at 3:30 am soaked completely through and never went back to sleep, I’m wiped out and going to pick up a bit and then crash.
* I heart my clinic. When I called to see if they had any doc’s in late on a Friday afternoon and if they had any openings for an u/s, they laughed told me yes Dr. Q was in; no they didn’t have any openings; but get here when I get here and they would fit me in. I love that kind of service. I really do.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Not Cycling
I’m not cycling this month. I’m not. Although I did have a brief thought of trying to get in early next week after our trip to see if anything is growing. I probably won’t because I think I still have a cyst or two left over from my last cycle in spite of being on BCP’s for a month.
Even though I’m not cycling, I did cd3 labs today and a bunch of other things. Well, you know, just because. A total of 8 tests.
I also saw Dr. P today. First time since Dr. N’s funereal. It was a bit hard and we both got teary eyed. I went in because I had heard that breast u/s were better than mammograms and my friends cancer was discovered by an u/s, not a mammogram. It turns out that an MRI is the best and what ultimately discovered H’s cancer (talked to her after my appointment), but it is thousands and insurance won’t cover it. So, I’m doing second best and getting a screening mammogram and a Sonocine Whole Breast Ultrasound. Insurance also won’t cover it (will self bill to see if I can get insurance to pay if the provider won’t bill on my behalf), but it is only $300 and I’m getting $50 off for agreeing to be in the FDA study.
Poor Max. He had such a hard time settling tonight. I think he is still not asleep, but is at least quiet in his crib. Rarely. Very, very rarely do we have problems at bed time. Tonight is one of them. Since I over analyzed the situation while trying to get him to settle, I decided there were three contributing factors. One, a bit over tired since he woke up early (and cranky) from his nap. Two, a bit of gas and possibly a tummy ache. He kept farting and saying “ugh, ugh, poo, poo”. Three, a big memorable afternoon. When he woke up crabby from his nap, he wanted to see the “chu choo” video (Baby Einstein’s On the Go”) and then wanted to see a real train. I gave Noemi directions to the train depot (Max and I have been going after our morning walk on the weekends and have seen a few trains, one really close up), but she was hesitant (doesn’t like going new places unless I have shown her how to get there by physically driving there and back). Instead, she took Max on the Metrolink bus for an outing for the first time. He came home saying “chu choo”, but I told him it wasn’t a train it was a bus (started saying bus just yesterday for the first time) and the rest of the night he kept saying “no chu choo, bus, bus, bus, bus, bus”. That kid of mine is a smart one. I’m amazed at how good his comprehension is and is vocabulary is getting better and bigger all the time.
I briefly thought over the weekend that maybe I could be happy with just one. I’ve been thinking about it on and off, but really don’t think that is the answer for me or my family. Dr. P and I talked about me moving to DE vs. adoption and having a sibling or two or holding steady with Max. I know if I try DE and it fails (including any FET’s assuming there is anything to freeze), I’m done. But, I still feel like I need to try a few more times on my own and then move to DE. So, I’m not cycling, but I’m thinking about it.
In other news, my new acu has gone up in my personal opinion poll. She recommended acidophilus for my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and within minutes of taking it, I felt so much better. It was quite incredible. She also recommended a bunch of other things that I also got and am taking, but that acidophilus man. I felt a noticeable improvement not just in my bowels, but in general across my entire body. And, I am so much less hungry after taking it. She told me that would likely happen since my body hasn’t been absorbing nutrients it was in a feedback loop telling me I was hungry to eat more to try to get nutrients. She also explained how and why it worked (good bacteria in the intestines) and that it could also be used for constipation. All I know is that finally, I think I have found something that will help instead of the Imodium AD which prevented “accidents” when I couldn’t be near a toilet. I didn’t realize how much the IBS was dragging me down until I started getting some relief. I see the acu again tomorrow before heading out on our trip (not packed, have no lists created on what I need to take, don’t even know what suitcase to use and may go buy a new one). So many things to do, most of which I don’t feel like doing. I do think I will go have dinner (yikes, already 8:30), take a warm bath, and read of a bit.
Even though I’m not cycling, I did cd3 labs today and a bunch of other things. Well, you know, just because. A total of 8 tests.
I also saw Dr. P today. First time since Dr. N’s funereal. It was a bit hard and we both got teary eyed. I went in because I had heard that breast u/s were better than mammograms and my friends cancer was discovered by an u/s, not a mammogram. It turns out that an MRI is the best and what ultimately discovered H’s cancer (talked to her after my appointment), but it is thousands and insurance won’t cover it. So, I’m doing second best and getting a screening mammogram and a Sonocine Whole Breast Ultrasound. Insurance also won’t cover it (will self bill to see if I can get insurance to pay if the provider won’t bill on my behalf), but it is only $300 and I’m getting $50 off for agreeing to be in the FDA study.
Poor Max. He had such a hard time settling tonight. I think he is still not asleep, but is at least quiet in his crib. Rarely. Very, very rarely do we have problems at bed time. Tonight is one of them. Since I over analyzed the situation while trying to get him to settle, I decided there were three contributing factors. One, a bit over tired since he woke up early (and cranky) from his nap. Two, a bit of gas and possibly a tummy ache. He kept farting and saying “ugh, ugh, poo, poo”. Three, a big memorable afternoon. When he woke up crabby from his nap, he wanted to see the “chu choo” video (Baby Einstein’s On the Go”) and then wanted to see a real train. I gave Noemi directions to the train depot (Max and I have been going after our morning walk on the weekends and have seen a few trains, one really close up), but she was hesitant (doesn’t like going new places unless I have shown her how to get there by physically driving there and back). Instead, she took Max on the Metrolink bus for an outing for the first time. He came home saying “chu choo”, but I told him it wasn’t a train it was a bus (started saying bus just yesterday for the first time) and the rest of the night he kept saying “no chu choo, bus, bus, bus, bus, bus”. That kid of mine is a smart one. I’m amazed at how good his comprehension is and is vocabulary is getting better and bigger all the time.
I briefly thought over the weekend that maybe I could be happy with just one. I’ve been thinking about it on and off, but really don’t think that is the answer for me or my family. Dr. P and I talked about me moving to DE vs. adoption and having a sibling or two or holding steady with Max. I know if I try DE and it fails (including any FET’s assuming there is anything to freeze), I’m done. But, I still feel like I need to try a few more times on my own and then move to DE. So, I’m not cycling, but I’m thinking about it.
In other news, my new acu has gone up in my personal opinion poll. She recommended acidophilus for my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and within minutes of taking it, I felt so much better. It was quite incredible. She also recommended a bunch of other things that I also got and am taking, but that acidophilus man. I felt a noticeable improvement not just in my bowels, but in general across my entire body. And, I am so much less hungry after taking it. She told me that would likely happen since my body hasn’t been absorbing nutrients it was in a feedback loop telling me I was hungry to eat more to try to get nutrients. She also explained how and why it worked (good bacteria in the intestines) and that it could also be used for constipation. All I know is that finally, I think I have found something that will help instead of the Imodium AD which prevented “accidents” when I couldn’t be near a toilet. I didn’t realize how much the IBS was dragging me down until I started getting some relief. I see the acu again tomorrow before heading out on our trip (not packed, have no lists created on what I need to take, don’t even know what suitcase to use and may go buy a new one). So many things to do, most of which I don’t feel like doing. I do think I will go have dinner (yikes, already 8:30), take a warm bath, and read of a bit.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Cd1
Today is yet another cycle day one. I have decided not to “try” again this month, but not go on the pill again either this month. I have to be out of town for a long weekend next week during prime monitoring time and I do not yet feel ready.
I’m feeling (and have been) much better than when I last posted. It must have been related to a cold/sinus thing and all of a sudden, I just started feeling better with more energy and more like myself. Max hasn’t been so lucky and still isn’t feeling great. Yesterday, we had a busy day planned, but I made sure to get him home for a nap after a busy morning before heading out again. Well, we did not end up going out again as planned since he napped until 5 pm after being put in the crib at 12:30, which is 30 min. later than normal and he didn’t fall asleep right away for about 45 minutes. Still this was a very long nap for him.
-- It never fails that when I sit down to blog the phone rings and/or Max wake up. The phone just rang (ignored) waking Max up. Damn. More later. Maybe. --
I’m feeling (and have been) much better than when I last posted. It must have been related to a cold/sinus thing and all of a sudden, I just started feeling better with more energy and more like myself. Max hasn’t been so lucky and still isn’t feeling great. Yesterday, we had a busy day planned, but I made sure to get him home for a nap after a busy morning before heading out again. Well, we did not end up going out again as planned since he napped until 5 pm after being put in the crib at 12:30, which is 30 min. later than normal and he didn’t fall asleep right away for about 45 minutes. Still this was a very long nap for him.
-- It never fails that when I sit down to blog the phone rings and/or Max wake up. The phone just rang (ignored) waking Max up. Damn. More later. Maybe. --
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Tap’d Out and Tired
One of the reasons I haven’t been around much is that I’ve been feeling very tapped out and tired lately. Max and I have both had one cold/cough after another which may be partially allergies. During the day (mostly the afternoon) all I can think about is sleep. I’ve been sleeping like crap again lately. I’m falling asleep exhausted around 9 – 10 pm and waking up sometime between 2 -4 am and not able to get back to sleep.
Max is great, but feeling a bit low key as well. On Saturday morning, after our morning walk and breakfast, we did NOTHING but hang out around the house. We haven’t done that since he was an infant. I think we both needed it. Yes, this means he watched probably too much TV. He has been into the Sesame Street 25th Anniversary Music Addition DVD. He has probably watched it 10 – 15 times in the last week and nothing else. He calls it the LA LA for the main song in there. It is so cute to see him. They have one scene where 2 guys do a really fast tap dance. Max has started doing it with them. Hilarious to see!
Easter was fine. Low key, but busy and tiring. Heck, taking Max to church on a normal Sunday wears me out. Easter Sunday was crazy with all the people and the longer service. At one point, I was standing on the side isle way down about 4 steps with about 3 other parents watching 7 boys running around playing who just could not be contained. It was funny. Then, we (my mom, Max, and I) met a friend for brunch.
I have an appointment with a new acupuncturist tomorrow. I had a consult with her the other day. We ended up talking for at least 40 min. and maybe even a bit longer. I actually found her a bit annoying, mostly because she was so “positive” and talking to me like I was new to this whole process. I’m so past the whole “visualization” thing. I kept thinking, why do you have so much time to talk to me when I initiated the call and then was able to get in 2 days later on the day/time that worked best for me. Clearly, she isn’t busy, but doesn’t sound like she is starting up. I’m going to give her a try for a treatment or two to see how it goes because the location and price are right and I can deal with annoying if she knows what she’s doing and the treatment helps to get me back on track (energy, sleep, IBS).
I set up an appointment to talk to my OB next week since apparently I can’t get a referral for a breast u/s (instead of a mammogram) without that first. I wish I was feeling less emotional before seeing her. No way will I see her and Dr. N not come up. If I had to see her today, I’d cry. Don’t know about her.
Yesterday was a really hard day emotionally around Shadow. It just hit me hard how close to the end she is. We went to one of her favorite parks this morning and she walked around and checked out the picnic area’s while Max played in the car and I split the difference keeping my eye on both of them. She was so happy to be out and around, but tired quickly. I got Max out of the car to go to the other side of the park, which Shadow clearly wanted to do, but then she got tired and had trouble walking again so we went back to the car. I sat and petted her for another 20 minutes while she got the fresh air, scents from the breeze, and to watch the squirrels and such while Max played in the car some more (one of his favorite things to do).
Anyway, not much going on. Same ole, same ole of life. Working, seeing friends, keeping up with the house, hanging out with Max.
I decided I’m for sure not cycling again this next month, but am not going to go back on the pill. Last pill is in a few days.
I leave for a long weekend in Arizona a week from Friday. I’m so not ready. I need to make a list of things to get done and pack. I’ve rented a crib and some age appropriate toys for Max at the destination site and arraigned for my dog walker to come take care of Shadow and City boy. However, that’s it.
I know I should be more excited about going but thinking about it…the trip and all involved…just tires me out even more. It feels like more of an obligation than a vacation. And, really, it basically is as I’m going to be confirmation sponsor for my cousin’s daughter. I’m not the only one visiting. My mom is also going and my cousins mother in law and sister in law (both of who I know well) will also be there. I’m sure it will be fine. However, I think I am already annoying my cousin a bit. She can’t understand why I felt the need to rent a crib for Max (no way would a pack n play work for him now…he is too darn big and could (and would) climb out in 2 seconds flat) and why I would not agree to letting a 12 year old I have never met watch Max during the confirmation service (granted at the church in the cry room), which is to be held right at his dinner/bed time. The thing is, I could really care less if she thinks I’m an uptight neurotic mom. I’m confident enough in my parenting abilities and what works and would not work for my family that I will explain my reasoning, but don’t feel like I need to justify myself.
I wish I felt better, happier, more energetic than I do right now. But, I’m not up for being someone I’m not or pretending. I guess that’s one of the reasons I have been so quite (mainly I just haven’t felt like being on the computer any longer than I have had to for work). I don’t have much to say. Things aren’t bad, horrible, drama. They just are.
Max is great, but feeling a bit low key as well. On Saturday morning, after our morning walk and breakfast, we did NOTHING but hang out around the house. We haven’t done that since he was an infant. I think we both needed it. Yes, this means he watched probably too much TV. He has been into the Sesame Street 25th Anniversary Music Addition DVD. He has probably watched it 10 – 15 times in the last week and nothing else. He calls it the LA LA for the main song in there. It is so cute to see him. They have one scene where 2 guys do a really fast tap dance. Max has started doing it with them. Hilarious to see!
Easter was fine. Low key, but busy and tiring. Heck, taking Max to church on a normal Sunday wears me out. Easter Sunday was crazy with all the people and the longer service. At one point, I was standing on the side isle way down about 4 steps with about 3 other parents watching 7 boys running around playing who just could not be contained. It was funny. Then, we (my mom, Max, and I) met a friend for brunch.
I have an appointment with a new acupuncturist tomorrow. I had a consult with her the other day. We ended up talking for at least 40 min. and maybe even a bit longer. I actually found her a bit annoying, mostly because she was so “positive” and talking to me like I was new to this whole process. I’m so past the whole “visualization” thing. I kept thinking, why do you have so much time to talk to me when I initiated the call and then was able to get in 2 days later on the day/time that worked best for me. Clearly, she isn’t busy, but doesn’t sound like she is starting up. I’m going to give her a try for a treatment or two to see how it goes because the location and price are right and I can deal with annoying if she knows what she’s doing and the treatment helps to get me back on track (energy, sleep, IBS).
I set up an appointment to talk to my OB next week since apparently I can’t get a referral for a breast u/s (instead of a mammogram) without that first. I wish I was feeling less emotional before seeing her. No way will I see her and Dr. N not come up. If I had to see her today, I’d cry. Don’t know about her.
Yesterday was a really hard day emotionally around Shadow. It just hit me hard how close to the end she is. We went to one of her favorite parks this morning and she walked around and checked out the picnic area’s while Max played in the car and I split the difference keeping my eye on both of them. She was so happy to be out and around, but tired quickly. I got Max out of the car to go to the other side of the park, which Shadow clearly wanted to do, but then she got tired and had trouble walking again so we went back to the car. I sat and petted her for another 20 minutes while she got the fresh air, scents from the breeze, and to watch the squirrels and such while Max played in the car some more (one of his favorite things to do).
Anyway, not much going on. Same ole, same ole of life. Working, seeing friends, keeping up with the house, hanging out with Max.
I decided I’m for sure not cycling again this next month, but am not going to go back on the pill. Last pill is in a few days.
I leave for a long weekend in Arizona a week from Friday. I’m so not ready. I need to make a list of things to get done and pack. I’ve rented a crib and some age appropriate toys for Max at the destination site and arraigned for my dog walker to come take care of Shadow and City boy. However, that’s it.
I know I should be more excited about going but thinking about it…the trip and all involved…just tires me out even more. It feels like more of an obligation than a vacation. And, really, it basically is as I’m going to be confirmation sponsor for my cousin’s daughter. I’m not the only one visiting. My mom is also going and my cousins mother in law and sister in law (both of who I know well) will also be there. I’m sure it will be fine. However, I think I am already annoying my cousin a bit. She can’t understand why I felt the need to rent a crib for Max (no way would a pack n play work for him now…he is too darn big and could (and would) climb out in 2 seconds flat) and why I would not agree to letting a 12 year old I have never met watch Max during the confirmation service (granted at the church in the cry room), which is to be held right at his dinner/bed time. The thing is, I could really care less if she thinks I’m an uptight neurotic mom. I’m confident enough in my parenting abilities and what works and would not work for my family that I will explain my reasoning, but don’t feel like I need to justify myself.
I wish I felt better, happier, more energetic than I do right now. But, I’m not up for being someone I’m not or pretending. I guess that’s one of the reasons I have been so quite (mainly I just haven’t felt like being on the computer any longer than I have had to for work). I don’t have much to say. Things aren’t bad, horrible, drama. They just are.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Don’t want to be a grown up today - edited
Shadow. My dear, dear Shadow.
I’m sitting here crying while working/trying to work glad because I don’t have back to back meetings this morning. I don’t know what to do. Or, rather, I think I do know what to do, but I don’t want to do it.
My Shadow is 16 now and has been struggling more and more lately. I have towels and rugs all over the tile floor because she has been slipping and not able to walk on them. She still loves to go on her twice a day walks. She knows when I start getting ready and gets so excited. At least 4 – 5 days a week, we go to a park and while it is hard for her to get in and out of the car she is so happy and starts barking in joy when we get there. She is so happy to go. She does get tired and sit and rest as needed. It is actually easier on us all when we go to a park because I can let her off-leash and she and Max can go at there own pace. When we go around the neighborhood, it is slightly harder because Max has gotten fast and Shadow has slowed down, But still, both are thrilled to go.
This morning Max slept in a bit late after a busy day yesterday and getting to bed a bit late/having a hard time settling. Since it was so late, no time for a trip to the park. As I start pulling things together, Shadow is happy as always following me around ready to go. We start to leave and Max insist on the “car” instead of the stroller so I go back and swap it out and we get ready to go and Shadow just can’t do it. She wants to go, but just can’t physically make it. She’s trying taking little baby steps that just have to be painful. I stop and she stops. I ask her what she wants to do and she lays down. So, I close the gate and start to take just Max and start to cry cause I just can’t leave her. I just do a quick trip around the front yard and back. Now, Max starts crying cause we are headed back, but as soon as I open the gate and go back in. Shadow just lights up and is glad we didn’t go without her.
For the first time ever that I have been in town and not in the hospital or something, we didn’t walk this morning. I feel so darn sad. I also feel a little selfish because I’m not ready to loose her and be a family without a dog. Max just loves her so and is always calling her “Sha” and giving her hugs. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t make it through summer this year. I was hoping she would at least make it to summer. I can’t seem to make myself pick up the phone and call the vet. The thing is that she can still get up and walk around the house. She is lying next to me right now. Her senses are all there (except for her hearing I think). She is alert mentally. Physically, her body is failing her.
God, I don’t know what to do and yet I do but don’t want to do it. And, when I should do it. I don’t think I can do it today. Selfishly, I want to go right now and try to take her for a short walk just down the driveway, maybe a house or two just to see so that if she can do it, I can hold off making this decision. I wish I had a partner right now that loved Shadow as much as I do that I can discuss this. Someone to share the burden and sorrow.
I don’t want to put Shadow down before her time, but how do you know for sure. Max and I love her and she loves us.
Sometimes life just sucks. Lately, it seems like it sucks more often than it should.
I don’t think I can do this today. I’m not ready yet, but soon. I think very, very soon I will have to make this decision that which I don’t want to make.
ETA: I did take a break from work and take Shadow for a little walk*. She was able to do it although slowly and I think it was just long enough without being too long. She was able to stop and sniff wherever she wanted without us having to keep up with Max. Since it is later, it is hotter which is hard on her with her thick black coat, but she did just fine. I’m going to give her lots of extra love over the next few days, take the time to brush her out and giver her more attention that she has gotten lately. I’m glad I don’t have to make the decision today or likely even tomorrow. I know I’ll have to make it soon and whenever it is, I will not be ready.
I’ve also been thinking about getting another dog. I have said that once Shadow goes, I won’t get another dog until Max is older and can care for it and it can be his dog. The thing is, I don’t think I can wait. I never had dogs before Shadow and Lucky, but they have affected my life so. I don’t think I can be a person without a dog in my life now that I have had them in my life. And, I don’t think I want my son growing up without a dog in his life. Forget logic and reason and the fact that my life would be way easier and less complicated. This family needs a dog. One way or another. I’m going to watch Shadow and love her and when the time is right (and I’m hoping I know when that is for both of us), then I’ll make the decisions that have to be made. Thank god I don’t have to make it today.
* One of the reasons that walking Shadow on a regular basis is so important…other than the use it or lose it theory... is that she will (almost) only go #2 when on walks. She will pee in the yard, but mostly only when I walk her out back and wait. She no longer uses the doggie door at all and waits for me to take her out. I can usually tell because she will get a bit fidgety (without moving or getting up) and she will follow me out and relieve herself. It isn’t that she couldn’t go in the backyard, it is just that the motion of walking seems to get things moving for her. I guess if we waited long enough, eventually she would go out to poo, but with regular walking it has never been an issue. My poor Shadow. I hate to see her struggle so, but she does still have joy and a decent quality of life and plenty of love from her family.
I’m sitting here crying while working/trying to work glad because I don’t have back to back meetings this morning. I don’t know what to do. Or, rather, I think I do know what to do, but I don’t want to do it.
My Shadow is 16 now and has been struggling more and more lately. I have towels and rugs all over the tile floor because she has been slipping and not able to walk on them. She still loves to go on her twice a day walks. She knows when I start getting ready and gets so excited. At least 4 – 5 days a week, we go to a park and while it is hard for her to get in and out of the car she is so happy and starts barking in joy when we get there. She is so happy to go. She does get tired and sit and rest as needed. It is actually easier on us all when we go to a park because I can let her off-leash and she and Max can go at there own pace. When we go around the neighborhood, it is slightly harder because Max has gotten fast and Shadow has slowed down, But still, both are thrilled to go.
This morning Max slept in a bit late after a busy day yesterday and getting to bed a bit late/having a hard time settling. Since it was so late, no time for a trip to the park. As I start pulling things together, Shadow is happy as always following me around ready to go. We start to leave and Max insist on the “car” instead of the stroller so I go back and swap it out and we get ready to go and Shadow just can’t do it. She wants to go, but just can’t physically make it. She’s trying taking little baby steps that just have to be painful. I stop and she stops. I ask her what she wants to do and she lays down. So, I close the gate and start to take just Max and start to cry cause I just can’t leave her. I just do a quick trip around the front yard and back. Now, Max starts crying cause we are headed back, but as soon as I open the gate and go back in. Shadow just lights up and is glad we didn’t go without her.
For the first time ever that I have been in town and not in the hospital or something, we didn’t walk this morning. I feel so darn sad. I also feel a little selfish because I’m not ready to loose her and be a family without a dog. Max just loves her so and is always calling her “Sha” and giving her hugs. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t make it through summer this year. I was hoping she would at least make it to summer. I can’t seem to make myself pick up the phone and call the vet. The thing is that she can still get up and walk around the house. She is lying next to me right now. Her senses are all there (except for her hearing I think). She is alert mentally. Physically, her body is failing her.
God, I don’t know what to do and yet I do but don’t want to do it. And, when I should do it. I don’t think I can do it today. Selfishly, I want to go right now and try to take her for a short walk just down the driveway, maybe a house or two just to see so that if she can do it, I can hold off making this decision. I wish I had a partner right now that loved Shadow as much as I do that I can discuss this. Someone to share the burden and sorrow.
I don’t want to put Shadow down before her time, but how do you know for sure. Max and I love her and she loves us.
Sometimes life just sucks. Lately, it seems like it sucks more often than it should.
I don’t think I can do this today. I’m not ready yet, but soon. I think very, very soon I will have to make this decision that which I don’t want to make.
ETA: I did take a break from work and take Shadow for a little walk*. She was able to do it although slowly and I think it was just long enough without being too long. She was able to stop and sniff wherever she wanted without us having to keep up with Max. Since it is later, it is hotter which is hard on her with her thick black coat, but she did just fine. I’m going to give her lots of extra love over the next few days, take the time to brush her out and giver her more attention that she has gotten lately. I’m glad I don’t have to make the decision today or likely even tomorrow. I know I’ll have to make it soon and whenever it is, I will not be ready.
I’ve also been thinking about getting another dog. I have said that once Shadow goes, I won’t get another dog until Max is older and can care for it and it can be his dog. The thing is, I don’t think I can wait. I never had dogs before Shadow and Lucky, but they have affected my life so. I don’t think I can be a person without a dog in my life now that I have had them in my life. And, I don’t think I want my son growing up without a dog in his life. Forget logic and reason and the fact that my life would be way easier and less complicated. This family needs a dog. One way or another. I’m going to watch Shadow and love her and when the time is right (and I’m hoping I know when that is for both of us), then I’ll make the decisions that have to be made. Thank god I don’t have to make it today.
* One of the reasons that walking Shadow on a regular basis is so important…other than the use it or lose it theory... is that she will (almost) only go #2 when on walks. She will pee in the yard, but mostly only when I walk her out back and wait. She no longer uses the doggie door at all and waits for me to take her out. I can usually tell because she will get a bit fidgety (without moving or getting up) and she will follow me out and relieve herself. It isn’t that she couldn’t go in the backyard, it is just that the motion of walking seems to get things moving for her. I guess if we waited long enough, eventually she would go out to poo, but with regular walking it has never been an issue. My poor Shadow. I hate to see her struggle so, but she does still have joy and a decent quality of life and plenty of love from her family.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Uninspired
I’m feeling uninspired and mildly depressed. We had a fairly low key weekend. Max was feeling a tad under the weather with a cold which he has now shared with me. I went on BCP’s and bled this weekend. Yes, disgusting I know, but true. I guess the good news is that lining isn’t one of my issues; the bad news is that shedding it is messy. I am not kidding when I say that I went through 4 pair of undies and pants/shorts on Saturday.
I feel like I should start some diet and/or exercise program, make an acupuncture appointment; call to get in with the chiropractor, get a massage, etc. Just can’t get motivated. Maybe tomorrow.
I was going to take one last dose of dex, but forgot. Oh well, I guess I will consider myself weaned enough.
Not that I haven’t gotten a few things done.
Hey, I called the peds office/talked to the nurse to make sure that the “rattling” in Max’s chest isn’t anything to be concerned about since he doesn’t have a fever. Apparently, a “rattle” is fine. However, a “wheeze on intake and outtake of breath would not be good. Not sure I entirely know the difference, but not going to worry about it other than to set up the humidifier in his room.
I ordered/reserved/rented a crib and box of age appropriate toys for our trip to AZ in April. They deliver. My cousin is hoping they also set up. I think she thinks I’m crazy for insisting on having a crib for Max instead of a pack-n-play or having him sleep with me. He is too big for a pack-n-play and would climb out of it in 5 seconds flat. It will be hard enough for us to share a room together for the trip let alone attempt to co-sleep.
I took my cousin to the airport this morning.
I got my taxes turned into my accountant on Friday. Hoping for a refund. A nice big one.
I rearranged the house/Max’s toys on Saturday.
Spent Sunday morning with my cousin, who was with my friend most of the weekend to help after her surgery, and we took Max to the park, went to church, and out to lunch.
Max and I had some good old quality time together.
Just feeling fat and sad and uninspired and blah. And, tired and sick. I guess I’m just used to feeling a bit happier, more content.
I feel like I should start some diet and/or exercise program, make an acupuncture appointment; call to get in with the chiropractor, get a massage, etc. Just can’t get motivated. Maybe tomorrow.
I was going to take one last dose of dex, but forgot. Oh well, I guess I will consider myself weaned enough.
Not that I haven’t gotten a few things done.
Hey, I called the peds office/talked to the nurse to make sure that the “rattling” in Max’s chest isn’t anything to be concerned about since he doesn’t have a fever. Apparently, a “rattle” is fine. However, a “wheeze on intake and outtake of breath would not be good. Not sure I entirely know the difference, but not going to worry about it other than to set up the humidifier in his room.
I ordered/reserved/rented a crib and box of age appropriate toys for our trip to AZ in April. They deliver. My cousin is hoping they also set up. I think she thinks I’m crazy for insisting on having a crib for Max instead of a pack-n-play or having him sleep with me. He is too big for a pack-n-play and would climb out of it in 5 seconds flat. It will be hard enough for us to share a room together for the trip let alone attempt to co-sleep.
I took my cousin to the airport this morning.
I got my taxes turned into my accountant on Friday. Hoping for a refund. A nice big one.
I rearranged the house/Max’s toys on Saturday.
Spent Sunday morning with my cousin, who was with my friend most of the weekend to help after her surgery, and we took Max to the park, went to church, and out to lunch.
Max and I had some good old quality time together.
Just feeling fat and sad and uninspired and blah. And, tired and sick. I guess I’m just used to feeling a bit happier, more content.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Crying for my friend tonight
My friend H had her double mastectomy today. She was in surgery for 7 hours and wasn’t out of recovery a half hour ago when I got an update from my cousin (who didn’t end up getting in until 12:40 this morning 12 hours and 40 minutes after she was supposed to have arrived and left my house at 6 am to take H to the hospital).* I guess they found cancer in H's lymph nodes which they didn’t think they would. My cousin said they think they got it all, but this from the doctor who told H it wasn’t in her nodes so not to worry about it. And, the cells are microscopic. They went three nodes higher than they thought they needed to and really couldn’t go any more without affecting her arm (didn’t really understand that part, but basically they took out every thing they could). They really won’t know more until they get the pathology report back about mid week next week.
I know H was really hoping it had been caught early and contained just in the breast tissue. Since it is in the nodes, it is just more likely that it could spread; that they didn’t get it all; that chemo and/or radiation will be needed; and her recovery and battle longer and harder.
She was telling me the other day that the type of cancer that she has is in strands instead of tumor like and that it is often under categorized as a result because they all have to be added together to get the true picture. It is a rare form of breast cancer.
I’m just so sad for her tonight for having to go through this at all. Loosing your breasts has to be a lot like dealing with infertility and how you look and feel about yourself as a woman. We talked about that a bit the other day.
I wish I could be there with her; wish I could do more for her; wish she didn’t have to deal with this; wish they got it all; she goes/stays in remission and gets to have a long life to see her children grow.
I’m also feeling sad for Dr. P and her family tonight and missing Dr. N. I sent some money in memory of Dr. N for their children’s education fund. I got a thank you note back today. Dr. P said that because of generosity of me and others that they should all be able to go to any college they choose. I’m very happy and relieved about that. I’m glad that I was able to contribute like I wanted. I’m also sad. She said that she is devastated by the loss and time doesn’t seem to be making the pain less. She also said how special I was to Dr. N** and how she sees the picture of us (Dr. N, Dr. P, me and Max) the day after I delivered Max as a symbolic blessing. Dr. N helped me conceive Max and Dr. P helped deliver him. It really is a great picture. Max was just looking at it and holding it today and I was telling him “his story”.
I guess what really has me sad tonight is the loss of dreams. My dream of having another biological child, period, let alone another that Dr. N helped conceive and Dr. P helped deliver. The loss of Dr. P’s dream of raising her family with Dr. N. The loss and struggle that H has in front of her.
As Dr. P said, “we are, after all, the living and so that’s what we do.” Yet sometimes it is harder and sadder than others.
BTW, I’m calling next week to get a referral for a mammogram and/or a breast u/s. I’m going to push for the breast u/s. H’s cancer wasn’t found in the mammogram. It was the u/s that found it. I’ve never had either yet. I’m trying to make time to get some of these important things off my list, getting Max’s birth certificate was one; getting the mammogram or u/s is another; and getting a living will/trust in place is the third. I also got my tax’s dropped off to the tax guy today and expect a refund so that should help. Since life is for the living, I’m trying to get some of this stuff done so I can worry less, just in case.
* My cousin has a special skill in helping people in hospital/surgery situations. I wanted and have had her here for both of my surgeries and was very glad/grateful. My cousin had her kids early, right after she graduated from college with a teaching degree which she never used because she realized when she was student teaching that she didn't really like it. She went back to school to become a nurse when her older two were tots, but it became too much. She really does have a calling in this area. Anyway, when she was visiting last week she went to a few appointments with H (they have become sort of friends over the years when my cousin has come to visit). Anyway, because her kids are older now, she was able to arrange to come back out and be H's hospital advocate and help in all the ways I wish I could if I had the time and Max was older. I'm so glad that she could be here to help, even if a bit sad that it wasn't me. And, I know that I don't have the same skill and compassion and "hospital ease" that my cousin has. It really is a niche skill, but one in which she excels.
** It’s odd when you think about it that Dr. N was so special to me and that I was affected so much by his death. I mean, he wasn't more than a doctor to me really, but I did feel a special bond with him. I'm glad that he seemed to have felt it as well since both his wife and his business partner told me so. I miss him too Dr. P. I can understand your devastation and pain. I really can.
I know H was really hoping it had been caught early and contained just in the breast tissue. Since it is in the nodes, it is just more likely that it could spread; that they didn’t get it all; that chemo and/or radiation will be needed; and her recovery and battle longer and harder.
She was telling me the other day that the type of cancer that she has is in strands instead of tumor like and that it is often under categorized as a result because they all have to be added together to get the true picture. It is a rare form of breast cancer.
I’m just so sad for her tonight for having to go through this at all. Loosing your breasts has to be a lot like dealing with infertility and how you look and feel about yourself as a woman. We talked about that a bit the other day.
I wish I could be there with her; wish I could do more for her; wish she didn’t have to deal with this; wish they got it all; she goes/stays in remission and gets to have a long life to see her children grow.
I’m also feeling sad for Dr. P and her family tonight and missing Dr. N. I sent some money in memory of Dr. N for their children’s education fund. I got a thank you note back today. Dr. P said that because of generosity of me and others that they should all be able to go to any college they choose. I’m very happy and relieved about that. I’m glad that I was able to contribute like I wanted. I’m also sad. She said that she is devastated by the loss and time doesn’t seem to be making the pain less. She also said how special I was to Dr. N** and how she sees the picture of us (Dr. N, Dr. P, me and Max) the day after I delivered Max as a symbolic blessing. Dr. N helped me conceive Max and Dr. P helped deliver him. It really is a great picture. Max was just looking at it and holding it today and I was telling him “his story”.
I guess what really has me sad tonight is the loss of dreams. My dream of having another biological child, period, let alone another that Dr. N helped conceive and Dr. P helped deliver. The loss of Dr. P’s dream of raising her family with Dr. N. The loss and struggle that H has in front of her.
As Dr. P said, “we are, after all, the living and so that’s what we do.” Yet sometimes it is harder and sadder than others.
BTW, I’m calling next week to get a referral for a mammogram and/or a breast u/s. I’m going to push for the breast u/s. H’s cancer wasn’t found in the mammogram. It was the u/s that found it. I’ve never had either yet. I’m trying to make time to get some of these important things off my list, getting Max’s birth certificate was one; getting the mammogram or u/s is another; and getting a living will/trust in place is the third. I also got my tax’s dropped off to the tax guy today and expect a refund so that should help. Since life is for the living, I’m trying to get some of this stuff done so I can worry less, just in case.
* My cousin has a special skill in helping people in hospital/surgery situations. I wanted and have had her here for both of my surgeries and was very glad/grateful. My cousin had her kids early, right after she graduated from college with a teaching degree which she never used because she realized when she was student teaching that she didn't really like it. She went back to school to become a nurse when her older two were tots, but it became too much. She really does have a calling in this area. Anyway, when she was visiting last week she went to a few appointments with H (they have become sort of friends over the years when my cousin has come to visit). Anyway, because her kids are older now, she was able to arrange to come back out and be H's hospital advocate and help in all the ways I wish I could if I had the time and Max was older. I'm so glad that she could be here to help, even if a bit sad that it wasn't me. And, I know that I don't have the same skill and compassion and "hospital ease" that my cousin has. It really is a niche skill, but one in which she excels.
** It’s odd when you think about it that Dr. N was so special to me and that I was affected so much by his death. I mean, he wasn't more than a doctor to me really, but I did feel a special bond with him. I'm glad that he seemed to have felt it as well since both his wife and his business partner told me so. I miss him too Dr. P. I can understand your devastation and pain. I really can.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Sad and Grieving
Haven’t had much to say. I’m taking this negative harder than my recent others. I knew that since it was not easy for me to conceive Max, it would likely not be easy to conceive a sibling which is why I started as early as possible….a year ago now. While I didn’t think it would be easy, I did think that it would be possible, eventually, if I just kept at it. With this negative, I think I have lost the last little bit of hope on that. Yes, I have been thinking about, doing preliminary research about, and mentally trying to “get there” around donor eggs. I’m not so opposed to DE to reach my end goal of a larger family, but ….I’m still sad about loosing the genetic connection. Part of me laughs at that because I really don’t think my gene’s are all that great. Yet, the did produce half of Max. And, he is just great. So, I’ve been doing a lot of cyclical thinking and grieving.
When I haven’t been grieving, I’ve been moody and annoyed. Some of the annoyance is reasonable. Some if it not so much. I could go into details and give many examples, but I’m just sad and tired and don’t feel like it.
I’m going to make myself go on BCP’s in a day or two. I really need the break and I know me. If I don’t, I’ll be back in the RE’s office 10 – 12 days from now for an u/s to check things out.
I also keep telling myself that I really need to get serious about loosing weight and should probably start going to acupuncture again. Can’t seem to get motivated to do either at the moment.
It’s not that I’m walking around being a raving bitch or anything. I’m not bursting into tears at any given moment. I do feel like it much more than usual when I have some down time, but I don’t have much down time.
Things aren’t all bad, doom and gloom. Max, other than being a tad under the weather and testing, challenging, and throwing tantrums when he is tired and/or can’t have his way, is really great. He is just so smart and funny and amazing. He does keep me on my toes and “present”.
I have gotten a few things off the list like sewing the corners of 3 sets of sheets and submitting the paperwork to get Max’s birth certificate. I’m not laying about in a depressed haze getting nothing done.
My friend has her surgery tomorrow (double mastectomy). My cousin was supposed to be here at noon; was delayed until 2:40; and got the call on my cell phone after I was already almost at the airport that she was still sitting on the tarmac and hadn’t even left yet (annoying, even if unreasonably so).
I’m functioning. I’m living life. I’m going out. I’m enjoying my son. I’m getting things done. Yet, underneath it all, I’m sad and grieving.
And, adding insult to injury, as happens after each and every negative…getting your period and feeling icky and bloated and crampy and gross. I started spotting yesterday with full on flow today. I guess I’ll call today cd1. Not that it matters.
When I haven’t been grieving, I’ve been moody and annoyed. Some of the annoyance is reasonable. Some if it not so much. I could go into details and give many examples, but I’m just sad and tired and don’t feel like it.
I’m going to make myself go on BCP’s in a day or two. I really need the break and I know me. If I don’t, I’ll be back in the RE’s office 10 – 12 days from now for an u/s to check things out.
I also keep telling myself that I really need to get serious about loosing weight and should probably start going to acupuncture again. Can’t seem to get motivated to do either at the moment.
It’s not that I’m walking around being a raving bitch or anything. I’m not bursting into tears at any given moment. I do feel like it much more than usual when I have some down time, but I don’t have much down time.
Things aren’t all bad, doom and gloom. Max, other than being a tad under the weather and testing, challenging, and throwing tantrums when he is tired and/or can’t have his way, is really great. He is just so smart and funny and amazing. He does keep me on my toes and “present”.
I have gotten a few things off the list like sewing the corners of 3 sets of sheets and submitting the paperwork to get Max’s birth certificate. I’m not laying about in a depressed haze getting nothing done.
My friend has her surgery tomorrow (double mastectomy). My cousin was supposed to be here at noon; was delayed until 2:40; and got the call on my cell phone after I was already almost at the airport that she was still sitting on the tarmac and hadn’t even left yet (annoying, even if unreasonably so).
I’m functioning. I’m living life. I’m going out. I’m enjoying my son. I’m getting things done. Yet, underneath it all, I’m sad and grieving.
And, adding insult to injury, as happens after each and every negative…getting your period and feeling icky and bloated and crampy and gross. I started spotting yesterday with full on flow today. I guess I’ll call today cd1. Not that it matters.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Officially Negative
This cycle is officially a bust. Not unexpected. Still sad. I added in a progesterone test as well and it was much better 19.2. I was using some suppositories from a different pharmacy at the first part of my cycle that I really liked, but obviously, completely ineffective. I seriously thought about not taking my progesterone last night both the shot and the suppository or only doing one of them since I was almost certain that it was another failed cycle, but I knew I wanted to get a read on what the number is after switching to the other suppository and doing the PIO.
I’m actually going out with the girls tonight, which will be good. But, truthfully, all I feel like doing right now is having a good cry. And, as much fun as I have and as glad as I am after having gone out, it is hard for me to not see Max at night and put him to bed.
I’m taking a month off. At least a month off. Maybe those two follicles that didn’t ovulate that are sitting there as cysts will have gone away by then. I’m going to go on BCP’s after I get my period then do a combo clomid/injectable cycle with the meds I have left. When that doesn’t work, I’m going to take another month off and do another attempt at an estrogen priming protocol cycle. When that doesn’t work, I’m moving on to donor egg.
I’m actually going out with the girls tonight, which will be good. But, truthfully, all I feel like doing right now is having a good cry. And, as much fun as I have and as glad as I am after having gone out, it is hard for me to not see Max at night and put him to bed.
I’m taking a month off. At least a month off. Maybe those two follicles that didn’t ovulate that are sitting there as cysts will have gone away by then. I’m going to go on BCP’s after I get my period then do a combo clomid/injectable cycle with the meds I have left. When that doesn’t work, I’m going to take another month off and do another attempt at an estrogen priming protocol cycle. When that doesn’t work, I’m moving on to donor egg.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Extra P4 Helping
The extra progesterone seems to be helping. Spotting and cramping is gone. So is the edginess and high strung feeling I was having. I think I got 7 whole hours of sleep last night and am still tired. Hmm, I’m not sure what is worse feeling hyped and getting less than the needed amount of sleep or feeling tired and dragging all day. I thought about adding a PIO shot in the morning as well as at night since truly you can never have too much progesterone during your luteal phase, but was too tired to actually do it. Plus, since spotting and cramping has stopped it is just overkill and a waste of drugs. Not that they are that expensive, but waste is waste.
Monday, March 12, 2007
4.4
That would be my progesterone number from Friday. No wonder I’m spotting. Ha, my worst progesterone number yet, which is quite a feat since they are usually pretty bad with the worst being 7 with no supplementation on my second cycle. Sigh. I was hoping for at least a 6 or 7. Email from clinic said Dr. Q wants me to start 200 mg progesterone twice a day. Of course, I started that a week ago and told Dr. Q and the nurse assistant that I was going to, but didn’t need a prescription because I had some. Another sigh. Okay, with a score that low, spotting is likely unrelated to implantation and just flat low P4 and the break down of the lining. Oh well, not saying the cycle is a complete bust, but not likely.
However, this whole process is such a mind fuck anyway so who knows. After I posted last night, I started thinking that I am stilling having pressure in my left ovary area and about the worst possible outcome of this cycle which would be an ectopic causing me to loose my left tube. The funny thing is that it really didn’t seem as bad as it would have just a few short months ago. It would really be the final straw that pushed me to DE as opposed to trying a few more pathetic times with my own eggs.
Just got another email back from clinic, adding 1 cc of PIO and another 200 mg suppository a day. You know, just in case.
However, this whole process is such a mind fuck anyway so who knows. After I posted last night, I started thinking that I am stilling having pressure in my left ovary area and about the worst possible outcome of this cycle which would be an ectopic causing me to loose my left tube. The funny thing is that it really didn’t seem as bad as it would have just a few short months ago. It would really be the final straw that pushed me to DE as opposed to trying a few more pathetic times with my own eggs.
Just got another email back from clinic, adding 1 cc of PIO and another 200 mg suppository a day. You know, just in case.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Implantation?
I woke up this morning to spotting. After my initial freak out, I realized it may be a good thing. It is way to early for me to be getting my period, which I typically get even on progesterone. I do have a history of spotting while pregnant. In fact, I spotted each and every time. I hate that, especially since two out of the three ended in miscarriage. The timing would be right for implantation spotting. I am still crampy, but no more spotting after that bit this morning and not enough to stain a panty, just visible on the tp.*
We had nice warm weather here today and spent most of it outdoors with Max in and out of his blow-up pool…naked….which I am able to fill with warm water due to a faucet outside my kitchen sink. He LOVED it and had the best time. I had a nice visit with my mom and my youngest sister. Trying to stay hydrated in what had to be almost triple digit temperatures has been tough.
This time change, while not completely smooth, has gone better than the last one so far. Max woke up at his normal time, pre-time change and went to nap at his normal time, pre-time change. But, I was able to get him down 30 min. early to bed and hope to continue to adjust from there. If he isn’t awake by 6 am tomorrow, I may have to wake him. I guess I’ll see how it goes.
We made it to church at 9:30 am for the 9 am service this morning and Max was all over the place and asking for the “car” and “car keys” after 10 minutes, but I’m glad we made the effort and my cousin was able to get that confirmation sponsor form signed by the priest so one less thing that needs to be done.
All and all a good day, but I am feeling tired and sweaty on top of crampy. I think it is time for a cool shower, followed by a warm bath. Night night.
* Have to take it back, just went to the restroom and more spotting. Even if my beta is negative next week, I’m gong to be convinced that at a minimum I had a fertilized egg that failed to implant. The only reason I would be spotting this early is for implantation. Has to be. I’m 8 dpo. Implantation should happen by 7 dpo. Not saying it will make it, just that there is no other reason for spotting this early….unless I didn’t ovulate, which I SAW happening, which I got a P4 test to confirm. So, anything above a 4 on the P4 test and this just has to be implantation. I think it has to be a little burrowing in going on. Don’t you think?
We had nice warm weather here today and spent most of it outdoors with Max in and out of his blow-up pool…naked….which I am able to fill with warm water due to a faucet outside my kitchen sink. He LOVED it and had the best time. I had a nice visit with my mom and my youngest sister. Trying to stay hydrated in what had to be almost triple digit temperatures has been tough.
This time change, while not completely smooth, has gone better than the last one so far. Max woke up at his normal time, pre-time change and went to nap at his normal time, pre-time change. But, I was able to get him down 30 min. early to bed and hope to continue to adjust from there. If he isn’t awake by 6 am tomorrow, I may have to wake him. I guess I’ll see how it goes.
We made it to church at 9:30 am for the 9 am service this morning and Max was all over the place and asking for the “car” and “car keys” after 10 minutes, but I’m glad we made the effort and my cousin was able to get that confirmation sponsor form signed by the priest so one less thing that needs to be done.
All and all a good day, but I am feeling tired and sweaty on top of crampy. I think it is time for a cool shower, followed by a warm bath. Night night.
* Have to take it back, just went to the restroom and more spotting. Even if my beta is negative next week, I’m gong to be convinced that at a minimum I had a fertilized egg that failed to implant. The only reason I would be spotting this early is for implantation. Has to be. I’m 8 dpo. Implantation should happen by 7 dpo. Not saying it will make it, just that there is no other reason for spotting this early….unless I didn’t ovulate, which I SAW happening, which I got a P4 test to confirm. So, anything above a 4 on the P4 test and this just has to be implantation. I think it has to be a little burrowing in going on. Don’t you think?
Saturday, March 10, 2007
One down; One to go
One week down, one week to go.
If implantation occurred, it would have occurred by now.
I completely forgot to take my progesterone a few nights ago. Woke up at 4 am and remembered then, so got up and got it from the fridge and took it then and again at my normal time. My son is as light a sleep as I am some times, because apparently me opening and closing the fridge door woke him up. Thank goodness he went back to sleep. Actually, he has been sleeping great lately, even with his routing being messed with a bit. I wish I could say the same. I’m not looking forward to the time change and hoping it goes better this way than the other. Now, most people I know wouldn’t try to change his schedule and would go with the 1 pm nap time, 8 pm bed time for a 6:30 ish wake up, but I just can’t do that schedule. I really need Max to be up at 5:30 am ish for me to start work at 9 am with getting breakfast and a walk and a shower in before hand without being too stressed and in a time crunch.
My cousin and her daughter are in for the week. They got in last night, messing with Max’s bed time. We went to a local SMC get together earlier today, messing with Max’s nap time a bit. But, I got him back on track tonight with a nice long wind down. It helped that my cousin is off with my mom to the movies so it was just Carolyn, Max, and I.
I had a nice and somewhat emotional lunch with my friend that was just diagnosed with cancer on Friday afternoon. She met with the oncologist on Friday morning who told her that 2007 will be her year to beat this. I think that shook her up more than anything because she was thinking a few months, not the rest of the year. And, if she doesn’t beat it by the end of the year, it will not be good. She found out that the cancer she has is very rare and she will likely have to do chemo too, instead of just surgery and radiation. On top of all of that she lost her dog for a few days after the dog got spooked while hiking, but has since been found. Scary emotional stuff this cancer.
Anyway, things have been fine around her except I’ve been so distracted that I keep forgetting meds (forgot the dex a few times here and there as well as the progesterone the other day). I did decide to go in for a progesterone test on Friday…just to see.
I’ve haven’t been sleeping great; a bit edgy; a bit over wired. But, so darn tired once I have a chance to stop. I have been feeling twinges and cramping a bit in the uterus area, but know not to hold much stock in that since I have gotten it on cycles that I wasn’t pregnant as well. I thought about and have felt like doing a bit of “self pleasuring” to take the edge off, but decided to forgo any purposeful uterine spasms. Oddly enough, I have also really, really wanting to drink some wine, red wine specifically, and I have a wine fridge full sitting right in my family room. The reason this is so odd is that I haven’t felt much like drinking wine since when I was pregnant with Max. I’ve opened a few bottles and had a bit and the rest just goes to waste over the last year or so. If this cycle is negative, I think I’ll open a bottle and drink some whether I feel like some or not at the time.
Anyway, one week down and another week to wait. I’m not as optimistic as I was a week ago because I’m almost positive only the lead follicle, the one we saw collapsing, ovulated and the other two are sitting there as cysts. So, instead of 3 chances, there was likely only one, but it is better than zero. I thought about going in for an u/s, but didn’t really have the time this week and figured there really was no point other than to prove myself right. Now, I’ll be crushed if the p4 test comes back under 4, especially after seeing that follicle collapse at the time of IUI, but decided I wanted to know. I’m not expecting a great number. I’d be happy with 10, fine with 9, could live with a 7 or 8 but would significantly increase my progesterone supplementation, and it is going to take the wind out of my sales if under that. Yes, yes, I know, 15 is the “minimum” for medicated cycles with supplementation, but that just won’t happen and based on my history not something I’m even worried about. I’m happy with 10 and fine with 9.
One week down, one week to go. It should go fast with my cousin here as there is something going on/scheduled every day and I’m working every day except next Friday where I think we are going to go to the aquarium for the day or as long as Max lasts.
Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve decided not to test while she is here and just waiting until a week from Monday since the 2 weeks is officially a week from today and getting a blood draw on a Saturday just isn’t worth it …unless my clinic happens to be open/a working weekend…maybe I’ll call just to check it out. No, no. I’ll just wait.
What’s two more days, right?.....said today….subject to change as “the day” gets closer.
One week down; One week to go.
If implantation occurred, it would have occurred by now.
I completely forgot to take my progesterone a few nights ago. Woke up at 4 am and remembered then, so got up and got it from the fridge and took it then and again at my normal time. My son is as light a sleep as I am some times, because apparently me opening and closing the fridge door woke him up. Thank goodness he went back to sleep. Actually, he has been sleeping great lately, even with his routing being messed with a bit. I wish I could say the same. I’m not looking forward to the time change and hoping it goes better this way than the other. Now, most people I know wouldn’t try to change his schedule and would go with the 1 pm nap time, 8 pm bed time for a 6:30 ish wake up, but I just can’t do that schedule. I really need Max to be up at 5:30 am ish for me to start work at 9 am with getting breakfast and a walk and a shower in before hand without being too stressed and in a time crunch.
My cousin and her daughter are in for the week. They got in last night, messing with Max’s bed time. We went to a local SMC get together earlier today, messing with Max’s nap time a bit. But, I got him back on track tonight with a nice long wind down. It helped that my cousin is off with my mom to the movies so it was just Carolyn, Max, and I.
I had a nice and somewhat emotional lunch with my friend that was just diagnosed with cancer on Friday afternoon. She met with the oncologist on Friday morning who told her that 2007 will be her year to beat this. I think that shook her up more than anything because she was thinking a few months, not the rest of the year. And, if she doesn’t beat it by the end of the year, it will not be good. She found out that the cancer she has is very rare and she will likely have to do chemo too, instead of just surgery and radiation. On top of all of that she lost her dog for a few days after the dog got spooked while hiking, but has since been found. Scary emotional stuff this cancer.
Anyway, things have been fine around her except I’ve been so distracted that I keep forgetting meds (forgot the dex a few times here and there as well as the progesterone the other day). I did decide to go in for a progesterone test on Friday…just to see.
I’ve haven’t been sleeping great; a bit edgy; a bit over wired. But, so darn tired once I have a chance to stop. I have been feeling twinges and cramping a bit in the uterus area, but know not to hold much stock in that since I have gotten it on cycles that I wasn’t pregnant as well. I thought about and have felt like doing a bit of “self pleasuring” to take the edge off, but decided to forgo any purposeful uterine spasms. Oddly enough, I have also really, really wanting to drink some wine, red wine specifically, and I have a wine fridge full sitting right in my family room. The reason this is so odd is that I haven’t felt much like drinking wine since when I was pregnant with Max. I’ve opened a few bottles and had a bit and the rest just goes to waste over the last year or so. If this cycle is negative, I think I’ll open a bottle and drink some whether I feel like some or not at the time.
Anyway, one week down and another week to wait. I’m not as optimistic as I was a week ago because I’m almost positive only the lead follicle, the one we saw collapsing, ovulated and the other two are sitting there as cysts. So, instead of 3 chances, there was likely only one, but it is better than zero. I thought about going in for an u/s, but didn’t really have the time this week and figured there really was no point other than to prove myself right. Now, I’ll be crushed if the p4 test comes back under 4, especially after seeing that follicle collapse at the time of IUI, but decided I wanted to know. I’m not expecting a great number. I’d be happy with 10, fine with 9, could live with a 7 or 8 but would significantly increase my progesterone supplementation, and it is going to take the wind out of my sales if under that. Yes, yes, I know, 15 is the “minimum” for medicated cycles with supplementation, but that just won’t happen and based on my history not something I’m even worried about. I’m happy with 10 and fine with 9.
One week down, one week to go. It should go fast with my cousin here as there is something going on/scheduled every day and I’m working every day except next Friday where I think we are going to go to the aquarium for the day or as long as Max lasts.
Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve decided not to test while she is here and just waiting until a week from Monday since the 2 weeks is officially a week from today and getting a blood draw on a Saturday just isn’t worth it …unless my clinic happens to be open/a working weekend…maybe I’ll call just to check it out. No, no. I’ll just wait.
What’s two more days, right?.....said today….subject to change as “the day” gets closer.
One week down; One week to go.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Holy Fuck
My friend Heather found out she has breast cancer today. She is my oldest friend in the area. One of the few friends I have that lives in a close physical distance, meaning I can get to her house in 10 – 15 minutes depending on traffic. We met through our dogs at a park about 10 years ago now. We both lost those dogs this year and she lost her older dog within months of the other one. She just can’t catch a break. This is the friend that lost her first daughter during pre-term labor 5 years ago in November. Her second daughter lived 11 days in the NICU 4 years ago in December. Not being able to take another loss, she and her husband had boy/girl twins 3 years ago in January (ETA via gestational suragate). She just got to the point where things were starting to get a bit easier and not such a blur with the physical demands and lack of sleep associated with young children/young twins. She was finally going to be able to finish her book. And now this! She just can’t catch a fucking break.
She has been having some discharge from one of her breast on and off for a year or so now. She has gone in several times, but they haven’t been able to find anything. She was so not ready and was sure it was something, but not cancer. We specifically talked about that last week when talking about my cousin who had a scare and was asked to come back for a follow up after finding a calcium deposit on one of her breasts. Heather’s mammogram came back normal. They tried to do this milked duct test first before insurance would pay for an u/s and MRI, but it didn’t work so she and her husband decided to pay out of pocket for the test. They actually found the cancer in the other breast. She found out this morning and went back this afternoon for a closer look. They saw it in three spots. She goes back on Friday for more tests to make sure it isn’t in the bones or in the lungs, hoping and praying that today is the day her life was saved because they found it early enough while looking for something else. There is no lump or any other sign it is present. She has no history of breast cancer in her family. She was so not expecting this.
She is going to have surgery within the next few weeks, probably a double mastectomy and radiation with chemotherapy after if it has spread. Then, we will hope and pray that they get it all, she goes and stays in remission, and that she gets to live to see the children she fought so hard for grow.
Her life has just been turned upside down like that. She’s trying to find a full time nanny to take of her kids while she goes through this and set things as best she can for them. She has been a SAHM with them since they were born so anyway it goes, it is going to be difficult on them as well. She’s feeling overwhelmed like they should give up their new puppy because it will be the one too many thing right now and is not sure she can take the extra stress of making sure he gets walked every day (when her husband will promise to do it and then it won’t get done). She’s got tons of appointments and tests and procedures to submit.
Oh, God. Holy Fuck. Please let her be okay. Please let her beat this. As she said, let today be the day that her life was saved and that she becomes a breast cancer survivor instead of a breast cancer victim.
I’m crying for her now and wishing I could do more.
She has been having some discharge from one of her breast on and off for a year or so now. She has gone in several times, but they haven’t been able to find anything. She was so not ready and was sure it was something, but not cancer. We specifically talked about that last week when talking about my cousin who had a scare and was asked to come back for a follow up after finding a calcium deposit on one of her breasts. Heather’s mammogram came back normal. They tried to do this milked duct test first before insurance would pay for an u/s and MRI, but it didn’t work so she and her husband decided to pay out of pocket for the test. They actually found the cancer in the other breast. She found out this morning and went back this afternoon for a closer look. They saw it in three spots. She goes back on Friday for more tests to make sure it isn’t in the bones or in the lungs, hoping and praying that today is the day her life was saved because they found it early enough while looking for something else. There is no lump or any other sign it is present. She has no history of breast cancer in her family. She was so not expecting this.
She is going to have surgery within the next few weeks, probably a double mastectomy and radiation with chemotherapy after if it has spread. Then, we will hope and pray that they get it all, she goes and stays in remission, and that she gets to live to see the children she fought so hard for grow.
Her life has just been turned upside down like that. She’s trying to find a full time nanny to take of her kids while she goes through this and set things as best she can for them. She has been a SAHM with them since they were born so anyway it goes, it is going to be difficult on them as well. She’s feeling overwhelmed like they should give up their new puppy because it will be the one too many thing right now and is not sure she can take the extra stress of making sure he gets walked every day (when her husband will promise to do it and then it won’t get done). She’s got tons of appointments and tests and procedures to submit.
Oh, God. Holy Fuck. Please let her be okay. Please let her beat this. As she said, let today be the day that her life was saved and that she becomes a breast cancer survivor instead of a breast cancer victim.
I’m crying for her now and wishing I could do more.
Monday, March 05, 2007
P4 and More Max Funnies
Started progesterone today. I’m glad that I actually saw the follicle ovulating/collapsing on the u/s because my ovary has still been a bit sore. I’m hoping it is just because it is feeling overworked by producing three follicles in one month after such a rest…like a sore muscle overused after non-use…instead of having cysts because no all the follicles ovulated and/or were egg producing. I’ve thought about calling for an u/s to check, but have decided at least for now to not since it really wouldn’t matter in the whole scheme of things. I may decided to get a 7 dpo P4 (progesterone) test on Friday, just to check things out and make sure I really did ovulate even though I saw it on the u/s myself. You know, have to have a few neurosis in a 2ww and all.
Otherwise, doing fine. I’m a bit tired. But, the progesterone will add to that. Plus, I stayed up late last night to finish a book and Max woke up in the 4 o’clock hour (which he hasn’t done in ages) calling “momma, mommy, momma, mommy” for a few minutes before he started to cry so I sucked it up and brought him in my bed where we cuddled and watched sports center, with me giving a narrative of the sports and what was happening. Fun time had by all.
Election Day tomorrow. New inspector who wanted to set up early today. For those who may not know, my garage is the polling place for my precinct. Odd for other parts of the country, but not so odd for California. We agreed upon noon. He showed up at 11 am with his wife while I was in the middle of an employee review. Great! Lovely! Good thing I have high caliber understanding employees reporting to me. Now, maybe I should stop wasting time on the computer and go figure out what’s on the ballot. There is some heated school board election going on if the phone calls and flyers are indicative of anything…and the poll asking about it. More fun times.
Max is doing a lot of other really cute things these days, but most you just have to see to get the true picture. Often these days when he wants me to pick him up, he will just curl into me and put his head on my shoulder for the longest time. Gosh. I just love moments like that even if I do get a bit tired of hearing “up, up, up, up. up” usually when I least have time to pick him up, but then do anyway and am glad I did. That reminds me, I had this really weird dream the other night about this very thing. It was just of Max saying up, up, up, up, up and tugging on my leg and following me around and I couldn’t pick him up and couldn’t figure it out and then I woke up disoriented realizing that it was only a dream.
Mondays are hard for Max after being with me all weekend. He has mastered opening my office door and barged in on an annual review, yes the same one that got interrupted by the election inspector to set up, and started screaming when he got booted out of the room and I locked the door. Poor guy.
I got all set up to put him in time out and explained what would happen if he continued to hit after a warning. And, he hasn’t done it since. I’m sure it is just a coincidence, but with him you never really can tell. About a month ago, we were out to eat and he started coughing and told him it was polite to cover his mouth when he coughed and showed him (have since learned that you are supposed to teach them to cough into their elbow instead of hand these days…who knew?). Fast forward a few weeks and am positive that I hadn’t used that word with him again and I told him it was polite to say excuse me when you burp instead of just saying “Excuse me momma I burped” for him. To which, he started coughing and covered his hand over his mouth like I had showed him once week prior. How scary is that?
Now, if I’ve told him once, I’m sure I’ve told him a thousand times that basket ball is basketball when he calls it football. I know he knows this, but think he has a harder time saying basketball (my mom thinks he is being stubborn). Probably, I should just let it go and let him call it what he wants, but I can’t. So, I just say, yes, that’s a basketball.
Max calls lemons (and oranges and limes) la la’s and uses them like balls. It’s very cute. And, I like them because they are a bit off shape and less likely to roll into the street. We have several la la trees in our neighborhood and both my next door neighbors have trees and keep my supplied. He was crying and having a fit if I could reach one to give to him and faking him out by bring him one and pretending to pick it wasn’t working anymore so I would stretch really tall and say “Uggh!, It is tooo TALL. I can not touch.” Which of course, Max now repeats with pleasure at each tree we see. Very funny! Now, when I do see them, I do tell Max they are lemons, but acknowledge his word for it as well like I do with the football/basketball thing. You know, for consistency sake and so he does grow up knowing the proper word for it when he is ready and able.
Oh right, I was going to look into the election stuff. Not feeling the motivation. Hmm, stalled enough that Max is now home. Likely not happening tonight now.
Otherwise, doing fine. I’m a bit tired. But, the progesterone will add to that. Plus, I stayed up late last night to finish a book and Max woke up in the 4 o’clock hour (which he hasn’t done in ages) calling “momma, mommy, momma, mommy” for a few minutes before he started to cry so I sucked it up and brought him in my bed where we cuddled and watched sports center, with me giving a narrative of the sports and what was happening. Fun time had by all.
Election Day tomorrow. New inspector who wanted to set up early today. For those who may not know, my garage is the polling place for my precinct. Odd for other parts of the country, but not so odd for California. We agreed upon noon. He showed up at 11 am with his wife while I was in the middle of an employee review. Great! Lovely! Good thing I have high caliber understanding employees reporting to me. Now, maybe I should stop wasting time on the computer and go figure out what’s on the ballot. There is some heated school board election going on if the phone calls and flyers are indicative of anything…and the poll asking about it. More fun times.
Max is doing a lot of other really cute things these days, but most you just have to see to get the true picture. Often these days when he wants me to pick him up, he will just curl into me and put his head on my shoulder for the longest time. Gosh. I just love moments like that even if I do get a bit tired of hearing “up, up, up, up. up” usually when I least have time to pick him up, but then do anyway and am glad I did. That reminds me, I had this really weird dream the other night about this very thing. It was just of Max saying up, up, up, up, up and tugging on my leg and following me around and I couldn’t pick him up and couldn’t figure it out and then I woke up disoriented realizing that it was only a dream.
Mondays are hard for Max after being with me all weekend. He has mastered opening my office door and barged in on an annual review, yes the same one that got interrupted by the election inspector to set up, and started screaming when he got booted out of the room and I locked the door. Poor guy.
I got all set up to put him in time out and explained what would happen if he continued to hit after a warning. And, he hasn’t done it since. I’m sure it is just a coincidence, but with him you never really can tell. About a month ago, we were out to eat and he started coughing and told him it was polite to cover his mouth when he coughed and showed him (have since learned that you are supposed to teach them to cough into their elbow instead of hand these days…who knew?). Fast forward a few weeks and am positive that I hadn’t used that word with him again and I told him it was polite to say excuse me when you burp instead of just saying “Excuse me momma I burped” for him. To which, he started coughing and covered his hand over his mouth like I had showed him once week prior. How scary is that?
Now, if I’ve told him once, I’m sure I’ve told him a thousand times that basket ball is basketball when he calls it football. I know he knows this, but think he has a harder time saying basketball (my mom thinks he is being stubborn). Probably, I should just let it go and let him call it what he wants, but I can’t. So, I just say, yes, that’s a basketball.
Max calls lemons (and oranges and limes) la la’s and uses them like balls. It’s very cute. And, I like them because they are a bit off shape and less likely to roll into the street. We have several la la trees in our neighborhood and both my next door neighbors have trees and keep my supplied. He was crying and having a fit if I could reach one to give to him and faking him out by bring him one and pretending to pick it wasn’t working anymore so I would stretch really tall and say “Uggh!, It is tooo TALL. I can not touch.” Which of course, Max now repeats with pleasure at each tree we see. Very funny! Now, when I do see them, I do tell Max they are lemons, but acknowledge his word for it as well like I do with the football/basketball thing. You know, for consistency sake and so he does grow up knowing the proper word for it when he is ready and able.
Oh right, I was going to look into the election stuff. Not feeling the motivation. Hmm, stalled enough that Max is now home. Likely not happening tonight now.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Fertilization, Meiosis, and Funnies
If fertilization was going to occur for this cycle, it would be completed by now. Sperm meet egg, voila…fertilization.
If the fertilization occurred, meiosis would now be complete as well. Have you heard of meiosis? I hadn’t for the longest time and it is so gosh darn important to the process of making a baby. The book called “Coming to Term, Uncovering the Truth about Miscarriage” by Jon Cohen has a whole chapter on it called Scrambled Eggs. The egg has two full sets of chromosomes (didn’t know that either until well into this TTC and only found out when I learned about meiosis). The way I understand it is that one set of 23 chromosomes splits off and the other set pairs up with the set from the sperm. I’ll quote from the book “for meiosis to proceed without error, the male and female chromosomes have to touch each other in many places – and it matters where they touch, too……..in older eggs, chromosomes had fewer points at which they touch their partners, and their unions more often occur near the tip…..chromosome pairs with either a reduced number of crossovers or ones that occurred near their tips became more susceptible to sticking together. But whether they actually do stick together –ultimately leading to an egg that contributes either too few or too many chromosomes – depends on age”. When meiosis doesn’t occur properly you get trisomies (three copies of one chromosome, when it is chromosome no. 21 it is downs syndrome, but it can happen with others making it incompatible with life), triploidy (three copies of every chromosome), monosomies (a condition in which a chromosome is missing its partner), tetraploides, mosaics, and translations (each of which involve too few or too many chromosomes. You can see why meiosis is so gosh darn important. It is almost guaranteed that my previous m/c were a result of improper meiosis. When people talk about “old eggs” and such, they are almost always referring to meiosis even if they don’t always realize it. Things like Omega and fish oils are supposed to help meiosis occur properly (less sticking) and things like high nitrates are supposed to hinder it. Anyway, if fertilization occurred, meiosis has also already occurred by now, ultimately setting the fate of whether a miscarriage will occur or there is a chance a real live child will be born. Other than recruitment of follicles/eggs to increase the odds, improper meiosis is surely my key fertility issue. At this point, it would have either worked or not worked properly. And, now we just have to wait and see. One (or two)..smile..fertilized eggs with the proper number of chromosomes resulting in the right number of fingers and toes and organs on a healthy child (or two) is all I want. Not much to ask, right? Yet, the odds are clearly not in my favor.
Now, on to some Max funnies….
Max’s favorite and in my mind funniest words the last few days is “It’s mine”. Used anytime he wants something that wants and/or he can’t have. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it at least 20 times a day the last few days. To which I respond, yes, that is yours, if it is. No, that’s mommies, but I’ll share it with you. Etc.
Max has found a few things lately that really are not appropriate and annoy the hell out of me. The top of the list is hitting. Most often Shadow has been the target, but the cat and I have also taken our hits. Now, they aren’t hard, but it is the principle and while I know he doesn’t understand that it can hurt, he does clearly understand that I don’t want him to do it. Telling him, no hitting, just causes repeat hitting that is harder and faster. Twice now, I have strapped him into his high chair for one minute for a mini-time out which did seem to make an impression, but I don’t want to use the high chair for punishment because I don’t want to cause a bad association with the high chair. And, I will need to have him strapped in because he will not sit there on his own, even for a minute. I think I’m going to pull in this old plastic booster chair from the garage and use it as a “naughty chair”. It anyone has any BTDT advice or other ideas, feel free to share.
Now, I know the above story isn’t a funny, but it laid the ground work. Apparently, when I was telling Max “No Hitting” I was getting a stern look on my face and pointing my finger at him while I said this and waving it back and forth. Of course, I realized this when he got all serious and did it back to me. I did stop myself from laughing, but my mouth must have quivered to not smile, because his did the same mirroring back to me. Oh my. This kid. He really is something else, smart and charming, and going to give me a run for my money. Because it is hard for me to be stern when he’s mirroring and mocking me and can clearly care less what I say, I need to find a better approach. I’m hoping the naughty chair will do it. The strategy has helped when walking around the neighborhood to keep him from going into the street. It took awhile, not because he didn’t understand, but because he had to test, and test, and test again, that if he even puts one foot into the street, he gets strapped into the stroller for the rest of the walk. We ended up taking an impromptu walk around the street this morning without the stroller and he got close and I could see the temptation and so wanted to tell him “no street” but held my tongue because it would have prompted him to do it for sure, and he turned away and ran toward me. So, I reinforced the positive behavior by cheering and clapping and thanking him for making such a wise choice. To which he smiled, pleased, and we had a pleasant rest of walk.
He hasn’t been into the TV at all lately after that big phase back a month or so ago and I have to watch not being the one to initiate turning it on. I do on occasion when I really just need to get something done or need a break, but I do question myself each time to make sure I can’t find an alternative. He still likes to watch his basket ball. And, her really does watch it and cheer when a basket is made as Susan my neighbor exclaimed when I got home. I do let him turn this on/watch it a bit, but not obsessively or for long.
Well, I’m hearing talking/chattering from Max’s room signaling an end to nap/break time.
May fertilization and proper meiosis have happened, that is my current hope and prayer. If so, the long journey down the fallopian tubes to the uterus would have started.
If the fertilization occurred, meiosis would now be complete as well. Have you heard of meiosis? I hadn’t for the longest time and it is so gosh darn important to the process of making a baby. The book called “Coming to Term, Uncovering the Truth about Miscarriage” by Jon Cohen has a whole chapter on it called Scrambled Eggs. The egg has two full sets of chromosomes (didn’t know that either until well into this TTC and only found out when I learned about meiosis). The way I understand it is that one set of 23 chromosomes splits off and the other set pairs up with the set from the sperm. I’ll quote from the book “for meiosis to proceed without error, the male and female chromosomes have to touch each other in many places – and it matters where they touch, too……..in older eggs, chromosomes had fewer points at which they touch their partners, and their unions more often occur near the tip…..chromosome pairs with either a reduced number of crossovers or ones that occurred near their tips became more susceptible to sticking together. But whether they actually do stick together –ultimately leading to an egg that contributes either too few or too many chromosomes – depends on age”. When meiosis doesn’t occur properly you get trisomies (three copies of one chromosome, when it is chromosome no. 21 it is downs syndrome, but it can happen with others making it incompatible with life), triploidy (three copies of every chromosome), monosomies (a condition in which a chromosome is missing its partner), tetraploides, mosaics, and translations (each of which involve too few or too many chromosomes. You can see why meiosis is so gosh darn important. It is almost guaranteed that my previous m/c were a result of improper meiosis. When people talk about “old eggs” and such, they are almost always referring to meiosis even if they don’t always realize it. Things like Omega and fish oils are supposed to help meiosis occur properly (less sticking) and things like high nitrates are supposed to hinder it. Anyway, if fertilization occurred, meiosis has also already occurred by now, ultimately setting the fate of whether a miscarriage will occur or there is a chance a real live child will be born. Other than recruitment of follicles/eggs to increase the odds, improper meiosis is surely my key fertility issue. At this point, it would have either worked or not worked properly. And, now we just have to wait and see. One (or two)..smile..fertilized eggs with the proper number of chromosomes resulting in the right number of fingers and toes and organs on a healthy child (or two) is all I want. Not much to ask, right? Yet, the odds are clearly not in my favor.
Now, on to some Max funnies….
Max’s favorite and in my mind funniest words the last few days is “It’s mine”. Used anytime he wants something that wants and/or he can’t have. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it at least 20 times a day the last few days. To which I respond, yes, that is yours, if it is. No, that’s mommies, but I’ll share it with you. Etc.
Max has found a few things lately that really are not appropriate and annoy the hell out of me. The top of the list is hitting. Most often Shadow has been the target, but the cat and I have also taken our hits. Now, they aren’t hard, but it is the principle and while I know he doesn’t understand that it can hurt, he does clearly understand that I don’t want him to do it. Telling him, no hitting, just causes repeat hitting that is harder and faster. Twice now, I have strapped him into his high chair for one minute for a mini-time out which did seem to make an impression, but I don’t want to use the high chair for punishment because I don’t want to cause a bad association with the high chair. And, I will need to have him strapped in because he will not sit there on his own, even for a minute. I think I’m going to pull in this old plastic booster chair from the garage and use it as a “naughty chair”. It anyone has any BTDT advice or other ideas, feel free to share.
Now, I know the above story isn’t a funny, but it laid the ground work. Apparently, when I was telling Max “No Hitting” I was getting a stern look on my face and pointing my finger at him while I said this and waving it back and forth. Of course, I realized this when he got all serious and did it back to me. I did stop myself from laughing, but my mouth must have quivered to not smile, because his did the same mirroring back to me. Oh my. This kid. He really is something else, smart and charming, and going to give me a run for my money. Because it is hard for me to be stern when he’s mirroring and mocking me and can clearly care less what I say, I need to find a better approach. I’m hoping the naughty chair will do it. The strategy has helped when walking around the neighborhood to keep him from going into the street. It took awhile, not because he didn’t understand, but because he had to test, and test, and test again, that if he even puts one foot into the street, he gets strapped into the stroller for the rest of the walk. We ended up taking an impromptu walk around the street this morning without the stroller and he got close and I could see the temptation and so wanted to tell him “no street” but held my tongue because it would have prompted him to do it for sure, and he turned away and ran toward me. So, I reinforced the positive behavior by cheering and clapping and thanking him for making such a wise choice. To which he smiled, pleased, and we had a pleasant rest of walk.
He hasn’t been into the TV at all lately after that big phase back a month or so ago and I have to watch not being the one to initiate turning it on. I do on occasion when I really just need to get something done or need a break, but I do question myself each time to make sure I can’t find an alternative. He still likes to watch his basket ball. And, her really does watch it and cheer when a basket is made as Susan my neighbor exclaimed when I got home. I do let him turn this on/watch it a bit, but not obsessively or for long.
Well, I’m hearing talking/chattering from Max’s room signaling an end to nap/break time.
May fertilization and proper meiosis have happened, that is my current hope and prayer. If so, the long journey down the fallopian tubes to the uterus would have started.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Swimmers On Board
My IUI went fine this morning. I was ovulating at the time. Kind of cool to see. Dr. Q, apparently, wasn’t planning on doing an u/s, just the IUI and only did it because I made some comment about how I was always worried I would ovulate too soon, but it hadn’t happened yet. He asked me if I wanted to take a look. I was like…ah, yeah, are you kidding? It never occurred to me that they wouldn’t do one as Dr. N had every single time. While I still think Dr. Q is young and a bit immature, he is growing on me. Not in the same ballpark as Dr. N, but hey, it works because I get my way on basically everything I want. I was thinking fondly of Dr. N on my way in and how on those first few cycles, when I was really worried about ovulating early, he never minimized my fears or tell me I was crazy or to not worry about it. He would say, why do you think so? Do you want to come in and have it checked out? And he would do an u/s and an IUI a day early for me. Dr. N really was the perfect RE for me. I still miss him. I probably always will. With my work bonus last month, I finally have the extra cash I needed to send the amount I wanted to Dr. P in Dr. N’s memory for the kids’ education fund. I just need to sit down and write out the check and the card I want to send with it.
Did I mention here that I couldn’t resist figuring out my due date if this cycle worked? I haven’t done that in awhile. I guess I have at least a little hope for this cycle. Conditions don’t get any better than this for me. The question is, did the eggs have any kind of quality? It would be November 24, 2007. This is the Saturday after Thanksgiving.
And, now I wait. And, so begins yet another 2ww.
Did I mention here that I couldn’t resist figuring out my due date if this cycle worked? I haven’t done that in awhile. I guess I have at least a little hope for this cycle. Conditions don’t get any better than this for me. The question is, did the eggs have any kind of quality? It would be November 24, 2007. This is the Saturday after Thanksgiving.
And, now I wait. And, so begins yet another 2ww.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Triggering
Thirty minutes and counting until trigger....8:30 pm local time. Originally, it was 7:30 pm tonight for a 7:30 am IUI on Saturday, but they called late this afternoon to change it by an hour. Since it was so early and in the time we would normally be out walking, I was just going to take Max and then stop for breakfast before driving home. Now, that really isn't going to work. I may see if I can get someone to watch Max for a few hours instead. If not, I'll make it work, but it really will screw up our routine. Sigh. All worth it if it works.
Well, sometimes things just work out. My neighbor just return my call as I was typing this and she has agree to watch Max for me on Saturday morning. I think that will just make things easier all around. I trust her. Max knows her. She has really helped me out a few times now like watching Max when I went to have Lucky put down, when I needed to run out and get a top for Dr. N's funeral, and now this. I need to think of something nice to do for her and her husband. I mean, I have helped them as well. When Bill had to have hand surgery and Susan had to be out of town for work, I picked him up and brought him home. So, I don't feel like a total leech, but it is nice to have someone close that you trust to help out. I asked Noemi the other day, just in csae, and she can't do it because she has plans. I have the names of two other people, one a teenager around the corner and the other a nanny that my friend used to use that said she would be happy to pick up a few hours. I guess, I need to call and have them both come a time or two when I am here to meet Max and see how things go.
Anyway, so far, no LH surge. I've been only using the internet cheepie OPK's since I ran out of the others, but haven't been concerned enough that they don't work for me that I ran out to buy more. Heck, I've been more tempted to go buy chocholate, but have resisted. Plus, I still feel some ovarian pressure so figure the follicles are still there and growing. I haven't ever surged yet before they hit 24 and have never ovualed early after a trigger despite my repeated worry so I am now able to push it to background.
Enough rambling. I'm going to go clean up, trigger, take a warm bath, and then crash. I'm feeling tired.
Twenty minutes and counting until trigger. Not one of those cycles were I almost forget. Counting down. Can you tell?
Well, sometimes things just work out. My neighbor just return my call as I was typing this and she has agree to watch Max for me on Saturday morning. I think that will just make things easier all around. I trust her. Max knows her. She has really helped me out a few times now like watching Max when I went to have Lucky put down, when I needed to run out and get a top for Dr. N's funeral, and now this. I need to think of something nice to do for her and her husband. I mean, I have helped them as well. When Bill had to have hand surgery and Susan had to be out of town for work, I picked him up and brought him home. So, I don't feel like a total leech, but it is nice to have someone close that you trust to help out. I asked Noemi the other day, just in csae, and she can't do it because she has plans. I have the names of two other people, one a teenager around the corner and the other a nanny that my friend used to use that said she would be happy to pick up a few hours. I guess, I need to call and have them both come a time or two when I am here to meet Max and see how things go.
Anyway, so far, no LH surge. I've been only using the internet cheepie OPK's since I ran out of the others, but haven't been concerned enough that they don't work for me that I ran out to buy more. Heck, I've been more tempted to go buy chocholate, but have resisted. Plus, I still feel some ovarian pressure so figure the follicles are still there and growing. I haven't ever surged yet before they hit 24 and have never ovualed early after a trigger despite my repeated worry so I am now able to push it to background.
Enough rambling. I'm going to go clean up, trigger, take a warm bath, and then crash. I'm feeling tired.
Twenty minutes and counting until trigger. Not one of those cycles were I almost forget. Counting down. Can you tell?
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