Sad and Grieving

Haven’t had much to say. I’m taking this negative harder than my recent others. I knew that since it was not easy for me to conceive Max, it would likely not be easy to conceive a sibling which is why I started as early as possible….a year ago now. While I didn’t think it would be easy, I did think that it would be possible, eventually, if I just kept at it. With this negative, I think I have lost the last little bit of hope on that. Yes, I have been thinking about, doing preliminary research about, and mentally trying to “get there” around donor eggs. I’m not so opposed to DE to reach my end goal of a larger family, but ….I’m still sad about loosing the genetic connection. Part of me laughs at that because I really don’t think my gene’s are all that great. Yet, the did produce half of Max. And, he is just great. So, I’ve been doing a lot of cyclical thinking and grieving.

When I haven’t been grieving, I’ve been moody and annoyed. Some of the annoyance is reasonable. Some if it not so much. I could go into details and give many examples, but I’m just sad and tired and don’t feel like it.

I’m going to make myself go on BCP’s in a day or two. I really need the break and I know me. If I don’t, I’ll be back in the RE’s office 10 – 12 days from now for an u/s to check things out.

I also keep telling myself that I really need to get serious about loosing weight and should probably start going to acupuncture again. Can’t seem to get motivated to do either at the moment.

It’s not that I’m walking around being a raving bitch or anything. I’m not bursting into tears at any given moment. I do feel like it much more than usual when I have some down time, but I don’t have much down time.

Things aren’t all bad, doom and gloom. Max, other than being a tad under the weather and testing, challenging, and throwing tantrums when he is tired and/or can’t have his way, is really great. He is just so smart and funny and amazing. He does keep me on my toes and “present”.

I have gotten a few things off the list like sewing the corners of 3 sets of sheets and submitting the paperwork to get Max’s birth certificate. I’m not laying about in a depressed haze getting nothing done.

My friend has her surgery tomorrow (double mastectomy). My cousin was supposed to be here at noon; was delayed until 2:40; and got the call on my cell phone after I was already almost at the airport that she was still sitting on the tarmac and hadn’t even left yet (annoying, even if unreasonably so).

I’m functioning. I’m living life. I’m going out. I’m enjoying my son. I’m getting things done. Yet, underneath it all, I’m sad and grieving.

And, adding insult to injury, as happens after each and every negative…getting your period and feeling icky and bloated and crampy and gross. I started spotting yesterday with full on flow today. I guess I’ll call today cd1. Not that it matters.