Well, I’m amp’d up. Yes, got the go ahead to start stims. 8 amps of Follistim are now injected into my bod.
Baseline u/s showed about 5 or 6 antral follicles on each ovary. We will see if the right one decides to play this round. It would be nice. Dr. N and I have already talked about me canceling/converting if I have 5 or less. The goal would be to get about 10.
E2 = 9, a nice low number
I decided on the way home that I was just going to suck it up an do the stims at night instead of moving them to the morning by adjusting 3 hours earlier each day. Typically, I sleep like crap on stims and the only benefit would be to help that a bit. I’m just going to take Tylenol PM every night and go from there.
The good thing about having gone through many cycles, even if they weren’t full fledged ones is that you are better able to “handle” the things that come up. I realized tonight WHY the Follistim needs to be refrigerated. It’s already mixed, not a powder. So, instead of doing 1cc mixed with 8 amps of drug, I ended up shooting up about 5 cc’s of drugs in two separate shots. Since I had to do two shots anyway since it wouldn’t all fit in one syringe, I decided to do one on each side. And, I didn’t read the instructions until the last minute and the meds were still cold as opposed to room temperature increasing the “sting” factor. Literally, a pain in the rear-end. Whatever! Didn’t bother to call anyone because it didn’t match my instructions. Probably, in the beginning, I would have freaked. Tonight;, I was like damn! 1) because I LIKE mixing the drugs myself. It is part of my little science project and 2) the extra shot.
The whole Follistim pre-mixed amp thing is really partially my fault anyway because they wanted me to do the pen, which I didn’t want to do because it is done Sub-Q and I wanted to do the shots IM. While they SAY it doesn’t make a difference, I wanted to do IM anyway because I am overweight; I think you get better absorption that way. I’d rather do two shots like I did than the pen Sub-Q.
You know, even though I have been going through the motions to get ready for this cycle – getting the tests and cultures, the calendar review, getting the meds, taking the dex -- I really have been in denial. Maybe denial isn’t the right word. It just hasn’t been on the top of my list. I haven’t spent much if any time or energy worrying or thinking about it.
I show up for my appointment and wham, it hits me that I’m cycling when I walk in and the waiting room is wall to wall people standing room only. Since I have mostly done IUI’s and my IVF was cancelled so early last time, I have very rarely had to be one of the pack. It’s not that I mind it so much, it’s just that it hit me all of a sudden and I had to talk myself out of an anxiety or panic attack. Okay, so really, I have never had either an anxiety or a panic attack, but I did get all nervous and sweaty and clammy. Of course, it has been scorching hot out and it was hot in the waiting room so it could have been that as well. ANYWAY, while I was dealing with that, this lady sits down near me (I’m sitting on the floor like I own the place) and starts talking to me. I know that I should know this person and she tells me her u/s looks good and there is one visible sack with a heartbeat and everything looks good. And, I should have said something, but I just kept talking and didn’t say anything. She leaves and I get called back and while I am waiting, it hits me who the person it…an SMC I met online and who came to my pool party. I’m such a looser. I just didn’t expect to see her there and was pre-occupied. I felt and feel really bad and sent her an email telling her how much of a looser I am. Big sigh.
Well, I’ve been up since 3 am. No reason other than I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t go back to sleep, then Max woke up at 4 and, the day really began. So, I am going to go shower off (since Max and I went swimming after my work and before his bed) and my skin feels gross and try to sleep. Maybe I will be able to beat the drugs and fall asleep before I start feeling them swimming through my veins amping me up.
Probably unlikely since I already feel the affects. HAHAHAHA. Just laughing to myself as I was thinking that I can “feel” my ovaries already. I’m not playing that game this time. You know, the game where you think the cycle will work and will go as planned. I’m taking things one day at a time. I just need to remember to take my drugs every day.
Next big milestone, follicle check u/s on Friday.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Unexpected Package
A pickup just pulled up and dropped of an unexpected package. Lucky’s ashes in her memorial rock. It was like a kick in the gut. God, I still miss her so much. I’ve been doing well and coming to terms and hardly ever cry anymore. I wish she were still a part of my life. Yes, life is much easier without her cause she was a demanding and high maintenance dog. I thought I was ready for this and finally got around to faxing her memorial wording a few weeks ago, but I hadn’t heard back to make sure they really received it. I vaguely thought that at some point I should follow up, but…
The memorial is nice, a black rock with a goldish plaque. I think I posted it before, but I went with:
Lucky
A zest for life
A friend like no other
A special bond forever.
I’ll be fine. Just wasn’t expecting it.
I’ll go find a special place in the garden this evening.
The memorial is nice, a black rock with a goldish plaque. I think I posted it before, but I went with:
Lucky
A zest for life
A friend like no other
A special bond forever.
I’ll be fine. Just wasn’t expecting it.
I’ll go find a special place in the garden this evening.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Sweet and Salty
I’m one step closer to my cycle today. I started my period this morning. Next milestone is baseline u/s on Tuesday. Maybe now that my period is here, I will stop this sweet and salty kick I have been on since Friday. You know. Eat something sugary, then an hour later want something salty. Repeat. Repeat again. Repeat again and again and again. For as overweight as I am, I am not a binge eater or much of a snacker typically so I was surprised when this started up and I kept saying. Stop. Stop. Just stop eating. Then, realized it was likely related to onset of period and just went with the flow.
Max is in his crib screaming at the top of his longs. This causes me much stress. The poor guy is so tired and has been a bit on the cranky side so I am going to let it go for about 10 more minutes cause I know he needs to sleep. Not sure if it is teeth or he’s getting a cold (cause he has a bit of a runny nose and been sneezing), but he has just been slightly off this weekend.
It has been so hot here which means it is hard to let Max play outside unless it is early morning. He is so mobile, he just wants to crawl and/or walk with his stroller or Hippo.
Okay, can’t take the crying. Must go try to sooth my son.
Soothing worked. He was asleep within 30 – 60 seconds of me going in there. Typically, I have not been picking him up, but did because he was just standing at the crib crying and when I went to him he reached up and clung to me. How could I not? Then, I just held him and rocked him for awhile because I could. I really don’t get to much anymore because he wants to be on the go or at night when I put him to bed, I am just so tired I want to clean up and get to bed myself. I know there are those of you out there who believe in the sleep training and CIO. I’ve thought a lot about it and obviously so not there, but that is a post for another day.
Anyway, Max has just been slightly off the last day or so. He has been a little crabby and easy to cry since he is almost never crabby and rarely cries it is noticeable. He has been eating and drinking slightly less like maybe 4 – 6 oz instead of 6 – 8 oz He has been sleeping just a little bit less. Last night it was only about 9.5 hours (woke up at 4:30 am with a poo poo diaper) after no afternoon nap yesterday and only a two hour morning nap. Maybe a growth spurt. Maybe getting sick. Maybe just plain tired and hot.
I know I have been tired and hot. I’m glad I went to the funeral on Thursday even if it did put a dent in my wallet and I was extremely tired when I got back. Then, it didn’t help that I stayed up late Friday night finishing a book I had started on the plane (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) and then Max woke up a few short hours later. I did nap when he napped yesterday, but he woke me up out of a sound sleep (which doesn’t often happen cause I am a light sleeper and not much of a napper). To break up the monotony of the house yesterday, we ran a few errands/I did some shopping. Then, my mom and sister came by for awhile. They were driving back from N. CA from the funeral and my mom’s car was here. They visited for awhile and had dinner. Then, we walked and did the bed time routine. Max was asleep by 7 and I was asleep by 9. We both needed an early bedtime.
Not much going today. Just hanging low. After nap time, we will probably spend some time in the pool even if I have just started my period. I think Sunday’s has become my favorite day cause I have purposely have been keeping it low key as much as possible and a day for just Max and I.
While I have the chance, I think I will go climb back in bed myself for awhile.
Another day closer to “the cycle”. Maybe because I have been so busy, but I really have no expectations one way or another for the cycle. Just taking it day by day. I haven’t really been dreading it or anticipating it. Occasionally, I think, I really hope this works, but I have no expectations or high hopes that it will. Heck, I didn’t even buy my meds for after ER/ET. I figure plenty of time to spend that money if I make it that far. I’m just content, at least for now, to make it to the next milestone.
Today, I hit the period milestone. Tuesday, I will hit the baseline u/s milestone and hope I get to continue from there.
Max is in his crib screaming at the top of his longs. This causes me much stress. The poor guy is so tired and has been a bit on the cranky side so I am going to let it go for about 10 more minutes cause I know he needs to sleep. Not sure if it is teeth or he’s getting a cold (cause he has a bit of a runny nose and been sneezing), but he has just been slightly off this weekend.
It has been so hot here which means it is hard to let Max play outside unless it is early morning. He is so mobile, he just wants to crawl and/or walk with his stroller or Hippo.
Okay, can’t take the crying. Must go try to sooth my son.
Soothing worked. He was asleep within 30 – 60 seconds of me going in there. Typically, I have not been picking him up, but did because he was just standing at the crib crying and when I went to him he reached up and clung to me. How could I not? Then, I just held him and rocked him for awhile because I could. I really don’t get to much anymore because he wants to be on the go or at night when I put him to bed, I am just so tired I want to clean up and get to bed myself. I know there are those of you out there who believe in the sleep training and CIO. I’ve thought a lot about it and obviously so not there, but that is a post for another day.
Anyway, Max has just been slightly off the last day or so. He has been a little crabby and easy to cry since he is almost never crabby and rarely cries it is noticeable. He has been eating and drinking slightly less like maybe 4 – 6 oz instead of 6 – 8 oz He has been sleeping just a little bit less. Last night it was only about 9.5 hours (woke up at 4:30 am with a poo poo diaper) after no afternoon nap yesterday and only a two hour morning nap. Maybe a growth spurt. Maybe getting sick. Maybe just plain tired and hot.
I know I have been tired and hot. I’m glad I went to the funeral on Thursday even if it did put a dent in my wallet and I was extremely tired when I got back. Then, it didn’t help that I stayed up late Friday night finishing a book I had started on the plane (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) and then Max woke up a few short hours later. I did nap when he napped yesterday, but he woke me up out of a sound sleep (which doesn’t often happen cause I am a light sleeper and not much of a napper). To break up the monotony of the house yesterday, we ran a few errands/I did some shopping. Then, my mom and sister came by for awhile. They were driving back from N. CA from the funeral and my mom’s car was here. They visited for awhile and had dinner. Then, we walked and did the bed time routine. Max was asleep by 7 and I was asleep by 9. We both needed an early bedtime.
Not much going today. Just hanging low. After nap time, we will probably spend some time in the pool even if I have just started my period. I think Sunday’s has become my favorite day cause I have purposely have been keeping it low key as much as possible and a day for just Max and I.
While I have the chance, I think I will go climb back in bed myself for awhile.
Another day closer to “the cycle”. Maybe because I have been so busy, but I really have no expectations one way or another for the cycle. Just taking it day by day. I haven’t really been dreading it or anticipating it. Occasionally, I think, I really hope this works, but I have no expectations or high hopes that it will. Heck, I didn’t even buy my meds for after ER/ET. I figure plenty of time to spend that money if I make it that far. I’m just content, at least for now, to make it to the next milestone.
Today, I hit the period milestone. Tuesday, I will hit the baseline u/s milestone and hope I get to continue from there.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Cycle Update
Not that I am THAT far into the cycle, but …just took the last BCP. Been on Dex since Saturday. Forgot to take it this morning. Great! That should have me nice and wired tonight.
Mood = STRESSED
Not because of the cycle. Mostly because I have to fly out of town tomorrow for a funeral of a family friend and it has taken a lot logistically to get it set up and arraigned. They wanted me to come and stay a few days with Max, but I just couldn’t swing it without even being more stressed. Especially, with the cycle that no one knows I am doing.
I also feel like I am hemorrhaging money all of a sudden between the cycle, over 1K in plumbing cost in the last week, replacing the roof on my mom’s house/mobile home (which is long over due, but she finally got estimates for me), and this trip which all told will cost about $500 for one day.
Naomi has agreed to come early and stay late. In fact, she is just going to stay the night so she can go to sleep after she puts Max down since I won’t get home until at least 10:30 or 11 pm. I have to say I like Naomi more and more every day. Yesterday, when she came home from the park, she brought Max right in and started crying and saying that she is so careful and how sorry she was. I could see he was fine, so I wasn’t upset. He got a scrape under his chin. I’m not sure EXACTLY what happened, something about playing in the sand and he either slammed his chin down on something or brought a toy up and scraped his chin. I didn’t belabor the point since she was so clearly upset over it. I gave her a hug and told her that it was okay that he is going to get bumps and bruises along the way. She told me how much she loves my son and how sorry she was. The whole thing just reaffirmed to me that I have the right person watching out for Max.
Not only am I stressed for my own stuff, but my cousin and her family are going to England this year for 2 weeks instead of coming here to visit Jim’s sister who is working there for a few years. There flight was today and they had a flight from Detroit to NY on Delta connecting with a flight at NY to London. However, there Delta flight was delayed. I have been on and off the phone with them, and the airlines, and looking things up on the computer about what there options are. They finally arrived in NY, but if the computer and phone system are right, their connection was delayed, but not enough for them to make it. Nothing like tons of travel hassles at the beginning of a trip. So, not only am I stressed for them for having to go through this, but it also ate a few hours out of my day I didn’t have today.
My mom is here staying the night and I was totally crabby to her after I got Max down because I was trying to get things done and she kept talking to me and asking me questions and I couldn’t hear her cause the water would be on or I would be in the other room and I kept having to say “What? What? What did you say?” I am rudely ignoring her so I can just have a bit of time to unwind and not having to interact with anyone. All I could thin is that I am SO glad I am not married or living with anyone else that I have to talk to every night if I don’t want to. I told her I had to get stuff done on the computer that I hadn’t had a chance to earlier, which is sort of true. Plus, I will basically spending all day with her (although she is staying a few days and driving back with one of my sisters).
Anyway, back to the cycle. I got the “cultures” done on Monday, but don’t have the results back yet. I dropped off blood this afternoon for the HTLV 1/2 Western Blot Test. This is the “confirmation” test for the antibody test I took a few weeks ago. No one but me seems to be at all concerned that the test came back “reactive”, but my RE did agree to let me take this additional test since he said the false positive rate on the other one can be up to 15%. I sure hope it comes back normal.
I had to cancel my chiropractor appointment for tomorrow due to the travel, but I do have an acupuncture appointment on Friday. Then, Tuesday is my baseline and I hopefully start stims.
I think I can go back and be civil to my mom for a little bit before I plead exhaustion (which really isn’t all that true since I just took the Dex I forgot this morning), but I should be exhausted since I woke up at 3 am and never really went back to sleep.
The other night when I was getting ready for bed, I saw two big black ugly looking spiders in my room, one in the right corner and the other in the left corner both closest to my bed. I was able to kill off one of them, but the other has successfully evaded me for days. He is on the side that has my tall dresser and the sliding door and he keeps dropping behind there and I can’t find him to kill him. Every time I wake up I turn on the light to see if I can find him. I know he is still there. Not only do I dislike spiders on principle (I can tolerate the big daddy long legged kind, especially if they eat the flies and mosquitoes, but the rest have go to go), but I have a really, really bad reaction to spider bites. They swell up huge and hurt and itch for days. I don’t like them. Not at all. I used to do my own spider and ant pesticide routine until I started ttc and got pregnant with Max. Now, I have a monthly service and I have called them out 3 times this month the spiders and ants have been so bad. Really, I should let them spray inside as well, but I don’t the idea of the poison being sprayed inside and we would have to leave for at least 3 hours afterward, which I am really not able to do. So, I keep vigilant watch for any such critters that dare to enter the premises. I may be cohabitating with this spider for the last few days, but I don’t like it and am keeping a watchful eye of for him.
Yes, right. Off to be social with my mom. Okay, social is pushing it. I’ll work on as civil as possible.
Mood = STRESSED
Not because of the cycle. Mostly because I have to fly out of town tomorrow for a funeral of a family friend and it has taken a lot logistically to get it set up and arraigned. They wanted me to come and stay a few days with Max, but I just couldn’t swing it without even being more stressed. Especially, with the cycle that no one knows I am doing.
I also feel like I am hemorrhaging money all of a sudden between the cycle, over 1K in plumbing cost in the last week, replacing the roof on my mom’s house/mobile home (which is long over due, but she finally got estimates for me), and this trip which all told will cost about $500 for one day.
Naomi has agreed to come early and stay late. In fact, she is just going to stay the night so she can go to sleep after she puts Max down since I won’t get home until at least 10:30 or 11 pm. I have to say I like Naomi more and more every day. Yesterday, when she came home from the park, she brought Max right in and started crying and saying that she is so careful and how sorry she was. I could see he was fine, so I wasn’t upset. He got a scrape under his chin. I’m not sure EXACTLY what happened, something about playing in the sand and he either slammed his chin down on something or brought a toy up and scraped his chin. I didn’t belabor the point since she was so clearly upset over it. I gave her a hug and told her that it was okay that he is going to get bumps and bruises along the way. She told me how much she loves my son and how sorry she was. The whole thing just reaffirmed to me that I have the right person watching out for Max.
Not only am I stressed for my own stuff, but my cousin and her family are going to England this year for 2 weeks instead of coming here to visit Jim’s sister who is working there for a few years. There flight was today and they had a flight from Detroit to NY on Delta connecting with a flight at NY to London. However, there Delta flight was delayed. I have been on and off the phone with them, and the airlines, and looking things up on the computer about what there options are. They finally arrived in NY, but if the computer and phone system are right, their connection was delayed, but not enough for them to make it. Nothing like tons of travel hassles at the beginning of a trip. So, not only am I stressed for them for having to go through this, but it also ate a few hours out of my day I didn’t have today.
My mom is here staying the night and I was totally crabby to her after I got Max down because I was trying to get things done and she kept talking to me and asking me questions and I couldn’t hear her cause the water would be on or I would be in the other room and I kept having to say “What? What? What did you say?” I am rudely ignoring her so I can just have a bit of time to unwind and not having to interact with anyone. All I could thin is that I am SO glad I am not married or living with anyone else that I have to talk to every night if I don’t want to. I told her I had to get stuff done on the computer that I hadn’t had a chance to earlier, which is sort of true. Plus, I will basically spending all day with her (although she is staying a few days and driving back with one of my sisters).
Anyway, back to the cycle. I got the “cultures” done on Monday, but don’t have the results back yet. I dropped off blood this afternoon for the HTLV 1/2 Western Blot Test. This is the “confirmation” test for the antibody test I took a few weeks ago. No one but me seems to be at all concerned that the test came back “reactive”, but my RE did agree to let me take this additional test since he said the false positive rate on the other one can be up to 15%. I sure hope it comes back normal.
I had to cancel my chiropractor appointment for tomorrow due to the travel, but I do have an acupuncture appointment on Friday. Then, Tuesday is my baseline and I hopefully start stims.
I think I can go back and be civil to my mom for a little bit before I plead exhaustion (which really isn’t all that true since I just took the Dex I forgot this morning), but I should be exhausted since I woke up at 3 am and never really went back to sleep.
The other night when I was getting ready for bed, I saw two big black ugly looking spiders in my room, one in the right corner and the other in the left corner both closest to my bed. I was able to kill off one of them, but the other has successfully evaded me for days. He is on the side that has my tall dresser and the sliding door and he keeps dropping behind there and I can’t find him to kill him. Every time I wake up I turn on the light to see if I can find him. I know he is still there. Not only do I dislike spiders on principle (I can tolerate the big daddy long legged kind, especially if they eat the flies and mosquitoes, but the rest have go to go), but I have a really, really bad reaction to spider bites. They swell up huge and hurt and itch for days. I don’t like them. Not at all. I used to do my own spider and ant pesticide routine until I started ttc and got pregnant with Max. Now, I have a monthly service and I have called them out 3 times this month the spiders and ants have been so bad. Really, I should let them spray inside as well, but I don’t the idea of the poison being sprayed inside and we would have to leave for at least 3 hours afterward, which I am really not able to do. So, I keep vigilant watch for any such critters that dare to enter the premises. I may be cohabitating with this spider for the last few days, but I don’t like it and am keeping a watchful eye of for him.
Yes, right. Off to be social with my mom. Okay, social is pushing it. I’ll work on as civil as possible.
Monday, July 10, 2006
School Troubles
Looking ahead to when Max is in pre-school, here is my prediction for the top three reasons Max will be getting into trouble.
Reason #3 - Willful Disobedience. Looking the teacher straight in the eye with a smile on his face and doing what he wants and was just asked not to do. He is slowly learning to leave the dog food and water bowl alone, when the mood strikes him. However, he will also crawl over to it with his hand just above it looking at it waiting for me to say….AAAAH, AHH, AHH, AHH. Don’t play with Shadow’s Water Bowl or you will get put back on the other side of baby jail. He liked the AAAAH, AHH, AHH a bit too much so I had to stop that. He would look at me with a smile and do it anyway just to get the reaction. Less and less is he then actually touching the bowl prompting me to pick him up and move him to the other side of the “fence” telling him that he was being put over here because he touched Shadow’s water bowl and didn’t listen to momma. He is not phased by this. Now, if you open the fridge or the door and close it before he can get there or get out (he makes a mad crawling dash as fast as he can and will cry when he just isn’t quick enough and the door is closed). Very funny and very cute.
Reason #2 – Inappropriate Affection. Giving hugs and kisses all the time. He will hug and kiss pretty much anyone he likes be it me or Naomi or the kids at the park or Shadow. He would hug City Boy if he could catch him and makes due with kissing a picture of the cat in one of our books. He was giving my friends son a from behind hug the other day when there were visiting (who is only weeks older than Max) knocking them both over in the process. Naomi bought Max a Winnie the Poo Bear last week and when Max saw it, he just hugged it and hugged it and hugged it. It made Naomi so happy to see how much he obviously loved it. He now will fall asleep hugging Poo or the cat or the bunny or the blanket in his crib.
Reason #1 – Pulling Hair. He loves to touch and feel and pull hair. My hair. His hair. Naomi’s hair. Shadow’s hair. He has even managed to get his hands on City Boy’s hair a few times. I think he must just love the feel and the texture.
We will see if he outgrows these things as he grows or if this is just an innate part of his personality and if he learns to control his impulses. God, he is just such a cute, sweet, boy.
Deb and Max at the Pool Party Last Saturday. *
* This was supposed to be just a head shot. Sigh. Was weighed today at the OB's office today when I went in for my "cultures" and pap in prep for my IVF cycle and I am almost 10 lbs heavier than I was when I got preg. with Max and about 20 lbs heavier than I was when I stopped breast feeding. Big sigh. I was so motivated after seing my weight on the scale that I only ate 3 cookies after dinner tonight.
Reason #3 - Willful Disobedience. Looking the teacher straight in the eye with a smile on his face and doing what he wants and was just asked not to do. He is slowly learning to leave the dog food and water bowl alone, when the mood strikes him. However, he will also crawl over to it with his hand just above it looking at it waiting for me to say….AAAAH, AHH, AHH, AHH. Don’t play with Shadow’s Water Bowl or you will get put back on the other side of baby jail. He liked the AAAAH, AHH, AHH a bit too much so I had to stop that. He would look at me with a smile and do it anyway just to get the reaction. Less and less is he then actually touching the bowl prompting me to pick him up and move him to the other side of the “fence” telling him that he was being put over here because he touched Shadow’s water bowl and didn’t listen to momma. He is not phased by this. Now, if you open the fridge or the door and close it before he can get there or get out (he makes a mad crawling dash as fast as he can and will cry when he just isn’t quick enough and the door is closed). Very funny and very cute.
Reason #2 – Inappropriate Affection. Giving hugs and kisses all the time. He will hug and kiss pretty much anyone he likes be it me or Naomi or the kids at the park or Shadow. He would hug City Boy if he could catch him and makes due with kissing a picture of the cat in one of our books. He was giving my friends son a from behind hug the other day when there were visiting (who is only weeks older than Max) knocking them both over in the process. Naomi bought Max a Winnie the Poo Bear last week and when Max saw it, he just hugged it and hugged it and hugged it. It made Naomi so happy to see how much he obviously loved it. He now will fall asleep hugging Poo or the cat or the bunny or the blanket in his crib.
Reason #1 – Pulling Hair. He loves to touch and feel and pull hair. My hair. His hair. Naomi’s hair. Shadow’s hair. He has even managed to get his hands on City Boy’s hair a few times. I think he must just love the feel and the texture.
We will see if he outgrows these things as he grows or if this is just an innate part of his personality and if he learns to control his impulses. God, he is just such a cute, sweet, boy.
Deb and Max at the Pool Party Last Saturday. *
* This was supposed to be just a head shot. Sigh. Was weighed today at the OB's office today when I went in for my "cultures" and pap in prep for my IVF cycle and I am almost 10 lbs heavier than I was when I got preg. with Max and about 20 lbs heavier than I was when I stopped breast feeding. Big sigh. I was so motivated after seing my weight on the scale that I only ate 3 cookies after dinner tonight.
The “I love Max” song *
I love Max. I love Max. I-L-O-V-E-M-A-X. I love Max.
Cause I’m your momma, your momma, your momma.
I’m your momma. And, I love you. Yes, I do do do. I really, really do.
I love you in the morning. And, in the afternoon.
I love you in the evening. And, at night time too.
I love you when you are eating and drinking and playing and swimming.
I love you when you are bathing and sleeping.
I love you when you are awake.
I love you when you are naked and when you are dressed.
I love you when you are at the park, and in the car, and in the stroller, and at home.
I love you when I can see you and when I can’t see you.
I love you when you are sick and I love you when you are healthy.
I love you when you are happy, and smiling, and laughing.
I love you when you are sad and fussy and crying.
I just love you ALL the time. ALL the time.
Dressed For Bed, But Not Quite Ready For It.
* an absolute favorite of his and is usually sung when I am putting him to bed and on occasion when we are in the car and he needs a bit of soothing.
** just another little ditty that I made up after Max was first born that I just keep building upon and adding verses as they come to me.
Cause I’m your momma, your momma, your momma.
I’m your momma. And, I love you. Yes, I do do do. I really, really do.
I love you in the morning. And, in the afternoon.
I love you in the evening. And, at night time too.
I love you when you are eating and drinking and playing and swimming.
I love you when you are bathing and sleeping.
I love you when you are awake.
I love you when you are naked and when you are dressed.
I love you when you are at the park, and in the car, and in the stroller, and at home.
I love you when I can see you and when I can’t see you.
I love you when you are sick and I love you when you are healthy.
I love you when you are happy, and smiling, and laughing.
I love you when you are sad and fussy and crying.
I just love you ALL the time. ALL the time.
Dressed For Bed, But Not Quite Ready For It.
* an absolute favorite of his and is usually sung when I am putting him to bed and on occasion when we are in the car and he needs a bit of soothing.
** just another little ditty that I made up after Max was first born that I just keep building upon and adding verses as they come to me.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Great Day to Start Dex
Today, according to my calendar, is the official start of my cycle with starting Dexamethasone. For some reason, they say to take it at night. HA HA. I took it first thing this morning. And, after hosting a wonderful pool party which basically took all day by the time I got things setup, had the party, and cleaned up, I am still wired.
I got my drugs in the mail yesterday. Apparently, Follistim, unlike Gonal F, needs to be refrigerated. Wish I had know that when I was telling them I didn’t want to do the pen. I still wouldn’t have done the pen, but had them switch it to Gonal F. Good thing they like me at my clinic, because I can be a PITA. They gave me my calendar and I basically tweaked it and told them where it needed to be changed to suit me, including getting them to agree to stims in the morning. This stuff just amps me up with each additional amp I inject added on top of the Dex and I would basically not be getting any sleep. On last cycle which was a 5 amp protocol (start with 5 amps and drop to 3), I basically got an average of 4 hours a night taking Tylenol PM or Benadryl each night. This cycle I am on a 8 amp protocol (start with 8 amps and drop to 5) and taking Dex. Heck, we will see if I get any sleep tonight on just the Dex. The funny thing is that it isn’t as if I am tired because of the lack of sleep.
I played hooky from work yesterday and made a trip over the hill to see my acupuncturist. She did a different treatment on me than we have done before using electrodes ? to try to stimulate blood to my ovaries with the hope of getting some life out of my right ovary. I heart acupuncture. If it wasn’t so far and so costly (or my insurance paid for it), I would go all the time.
I am sure my RE is so ready for me to get and stay pregnant. Poor guy, I sent him another long list of questions about 10 of which were about the consent forms. LOL. I am sure he was thinking, why can’t she be like everyone else and just sign the damn things without reading them. And, I can’t just ask questions, I have to add in editorial comments along the way. For example, one of the things you must sign in advance is what you want to happen to any frozen embryos should you die – discard, donate, use for testing. While my inclination would be to donate, because, really, who would want to get embryos from a 40 year old with a history of m/c. But, I want to have some idea on what kind of testing they would use them for (still better than just destroying them in my mind). Yes, it is an unlikely scenario, but hey, one must sign the form. Another decision is on whether you want the ‘marker test’. Dr. N and I had already discuss…okay, I asked via email and he responded that he would recommend doing it if I had more than 5 embryos to choose from. But the form only gives you a Yes, I want it or No, I don’t. So, I had to tell him that I crossed that out of on the form and made my own answer that said, Yes, I want it IF I eggs fertilized >5; No, I don’t want it IF eggs fertilized < 5. Another thing you have to sign is that you will authorize your RE to do laparoscopic surgery during ER (egg retrieval) instead of needle aspiration, I had to ask in which cases would that happen and that I completely authorize it he thought he could get anything from my right ovary that way. He responded that I was right in the instances it would be used (see I have this terrible habit of not only asking the question, but also telling him what I think the answer is and then asking if I am right) and that in all the ER’s he has done, he has never had to do a lap. I won’t bore you with all the other questions I asked accept to say that he agreed that I could do the Western blot test which is a confirmation test for the HTLV 1/2 reactivity.
The party today was FAB. Great turn out. Lots of people. I think everyone had a great time and stayed late. Fine by me. Not one ounce of tiredness in this body. Can’t say the same for poor Max. He didn’t take an afternoon nap. I didn’t even try because the party was in full swing by then and I knew it would be a battle that I would likely loose anyway. He had a wonderful time, but was more than ready for bed. I actually gave him a bath and put him to bed while a few people were still here and he went down without a peep. One of my friends (THANKS KAIA) stayed and watch over him while I gave Shadow a quick walk. That was a big help as I am so obsessive about making sure my dogs get walked that I would have likely put Max in the stroller and walked Shadow after everyone left. It was very nice not to have to do that. It isn’t only that I think that Shadow needs the exercise, which she does, but also she so looks forward to it. It is the highlight of her day even if she doesn’t have the endurance she did in the past. I hate to not do it after she puts up with a house full of people all day or has been left by herself all evening or even on a normal day where she has to deal with Max “loving” her.
I took Max and Shadow to walk in a park yesterday morning. This park has a fake pond that has lots of ducks and geese and pigeons and squirrels. Both Shadow and Max like it and I have been hitting it about 3 times a month. After the walk, I usually let Max swing or play in the play area while Shadow rests. This play area is right next to a Tennis Court. And, there were two older men playing a heated set. One man kept swearing. After the third time which was quite a creative stream of swear words strung together, I went over and reminded him that the courts were right next to a child’s play area and he was swearing quite a bit. He mutters something like Oh, yeah, okay, okay and to his credit, he didn’t utter another one while we were there. In some ways I feel stupid for being the bad work police and heaven knows I have and do use a swear word on occasion (but I am very conscious not to use them in front of Max), but on the other hand, Max is an impressionable toddler and while I want him to have word recognition and exposed to lots of different words, “bad” words can wait until he is older and understands the meaning. Plus, it is just the principle of the matter.
If you have made it reading this far, bless you. Are you strung out on Dex too? HA HA.
Okay, I think I am going to go take come Tylenol PM and a warm bath and see if I can relax enough to catch a few zzzzzz’s tonight. I loved my 5 day weekend 2 day work week this week (where I actually only worked 1.5 days since I ditched Friday afternoon). Sigh. At least today is only Saturday and I have one more day off, to hang out with Max.
I got my drugs in the mail yesterday. Apparently, Follistim, unlike Gonal F, needs to be refrigerated. Wish I had know that when I was telling them I didn’t want to do the pen. I still wouldn’t have done the pen, but had them switch it to Gonal F. Good thing they like me at my clinic, because I can be a PITA. They gave me my calendar and I basically tweaked it and told them where it needed to be changed to suit me, including getting them to agree to stims in the morning. This stuff just amps me up with each additional amp I inject added on top of the Dex and I would basically not be getting any sleep. On last cycle which was a 5 amp protocol (start with 5 amps and drop to 3), I basically got an average of 4 hours a night taking Tylenol PM or Benadryl each night. This cycle I am on a 8 amp protocol (start with 8 amps and drop to 5) and taking Dex. Heck, we will see if I get any sleep tonight on just the Dex. The funny thing is that it isn’t as if I am tired because of the lack of sleep.
I played hooky from work yesterday and made a trip over the hill to see my acupuncturist. She did a different treatment on me than we have done before using electrodes ? to try to stimulate blood to my ovaries with the hope of getting some life out of my right ovary. I heart acupuncture. If it wasn’t so far and so costly (or my insurance paid for it), I would go all the time.
I am sure my RE is so ready for me to get and stay pregnant. Poor guy, I sent him another long list of questions about 10 of which were about the consent forms. LOL. I am sure he was thinking, why can’t she be like everyone else and just sign the damn things without reading them. And, I can’t just ask questions, I have to add in editorial comments along the way. For example, one of the things you must sign in advance is what you want to happen to any frozen embryos should you die – discard, donate, use for testing. While my inclination would be to donate, because, really, who would want to get embryos from a 40 year old with a history of m/c. But, I want to have some idea on what kind of testing they would use them for (still better than just destroying them in my mind). Yes, it is an unlikely scenario, but hey, one must sign the form. Another decision is on whether you want the ‘marker test’. Dr. N and I had already discuss…okay, I asked via email and he responded that he would recommend doing it if I had more than 5 embryos to choose from. But the form only gives you a Yes, I want it or No, I don’t. So, I had to tell him that I crossed that out of on the form and made my own answer that said, Yes, I want it IF I eggs fertilized >5; No, I don’t want it IF eggs fertilized < 5. Another thing you have to sign is that you will authorize your RE to do laparoscopic surgery during ER (egg retrieval) instead of needle aspiration, I had to ask in which cases would that happen and that I completely authorize it he thought he could get anything from my right ovary that way. He responded that I was right in the instances it would be used (see I have this terrible habit of not only asking the question, but also telling him what I think the answer is and then asking if I am right) and that in all the ER’s he has done, he has never had to do a lap. I won’t bore you with all the other questions I asked accept to say that he agreed that I could do the Western blot test which is a confirmation test for the HTLV 1/2 reactivity.
The party today was FAB. Great turn out. Lots of people. I think everyone had a great time and stayed late. Fine by me. Not one ounce of tiredness in this body. Can’t say the same for poor Max. He didn’t take an afternoon nap. I didn’t even try because the party was in full swing by then and I knew it would be a battle that I would likely loose anyway. He had a wonderful time, but was more than ready for bed. I actually gave him a bath and put him to bed while a few people were still here and he went down without a peep. One of my friends (THANKS KAIA) stayed and watch over him while I gave Shadow a quick walk. That was a big help as I am so obsessive about making sure my dogs get walked that I would have likely put Max in the stroller and walked Shadow after everyone left. It was very nice not to have to do that. It isn’t only that I think that Shadow needs the exercise, which she does, but also she so looks forward to it. It is the highlight of her day even if she doesn’t have the endurance she did in the past. I hate to not do it after she puts up with a house full of people all day or has been left by herself all evening or even on a normal day where she has to deal with Max “loving” her.
I took Max and Shadow to walk in a park yesterday morning. This park has a fake pond that has lots of ducks and geese and pigeons and squirrels. Both Shadow and Max like it and I have been hitting it about 3 times a month. After the walk, I usually let Max swing or play in the play area while Shadow rests. This play area is right next to a Tennis Court. And, there were two older men playing a heated set. One man kept swearing. After the third time which was quite a creative stream of swear words strung together, I went over and reminded him that the courts were right next to a child’s play area and he was swearing quite a bit. He mutters something like Oh, yeah, okay, okay and to his credit, he didn’t utter another one while we were there. In some ways I feel stupid for being the bad work police and heaven knows I have and do use a swear word on occasion (but I am very conscious not to use them in front of Max), but on the other hand, Max is an impressionable toddler and while I want him to have word recognition and exposed to lots of different words, “bad” words can wait until he is older and understands the meaning. Plus, it is just the principle of the matter.
If you have made it reading this far, bless you. Are you strung out on Dex too? HA HA.
Okay, I think I am going to go take come Tylenol PM and a warm bath and see if I can relax enough to catch a few zzzzzz’s tonight. I loved my 5 day weekend 2 day work week this week (where I actually only worked 1.5 days since I ditched Friday afternoon). Sigh. At least today is only Saturday and I have one more day off, to hang out with Max.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
If it’s not one thing…
If it’s not one thing, it is another.
We had a GREAT 4th. Max took two long naps for a change and loved the party. He crawled and crawled and crawled to his hearts content. He stayed awake for the fireworks and watched in wide eyed wonder. At one point, it got a bit loud and he turned and nestled in, but couldn’t help turning his head to continue to watch. He’d hate to miss anything. LOL. He fell asleep as soon as I got him in is car seat. He stayed asleep when we got home and I transferred him into the stroller and walked the dog and then again when I transferred him from the stroller to the crib. Even though there were supposed to be a lot of people there, and there were, it didn’t seem crowded and nothing was rushed. It was just very relaxing and pleasant. Feeling a bit tired though, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight and woke up at 4:30 am and never fell back asleep. Max woke up at 5 am and that was that.
I got an email from one of the nurses at my clinic today telling me the results from the mandatory testing for my IVF cycle came back and that I was reactive to HTLV 1/2, but she didn’t know what that meant and to ask my RE tomorrow when she thought I was going to be in the office to review my calendar with the nurse coordinator, but we are doing a phone review instead so I emailed him. He said the office was closed so he couldn’t get the results tonight, but that he would email a detailed explanation tomorrow… “Suffice it to say that HTLV1 and 2 infections are almost always clinically insignificant. They don’t cause any symptoms. Very very rarely, the are associated with a specific type of leukemia. The reason the Federal government requires us to test for it is more historical than scientific.” A quick internet search told me why he responded as such because words like HIV, Cancer, and Blood come up at the top of all the searches.
So, I’m trying not to worry and get myself worked up. It would probably be a tad easier if I were more rested and not as short on sleep.
I’m just thinking, if it isn’t one thing, it is another. If I were the kind of person that let difficult situations keep me down, I would be in one world of hurt right now with the m/c, Max’s breathing incident, and now this test result.
I’m just telling myself the same thing that I do when spotting/cramping and praying it isn’t a m/c….that it isn’t good, but it doesn’t have to be really bad.
ps. I didn't work today and got a lot of things done (but, not the fountain, long story that I don’t' have the energy to tell right now) and went to the movies and an early dinner with my mom. It actually felt like a vacation day, unlike the day I took off a few weeks ago when going in for a beta, missed the movie, and an acu appointment.
We had a GREAT 4th. Max took two long naps for a change and loved the party. He crawled and crawled and crawled to his hearts content. He stayed awake for the fireworks and watched in wide eyed wonder. At one point, it got a bit loud and he turned and nestled in, but couldn’t help turning his head to continue to watch. He’d hate to miss anything. LOL. He fell asleep as soon as I got him in is car seat. He stayed asleep when we got home and I transferred him into the stroller and walked the dog and then again when I transferred him from the stroller to the crib. Even though there were supposed to be a lot of people there, and there were, it didn’t seem crowded and nothing was rushed. It was just very relaxing and pleasant. Feeling a bit tired though, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight and woke up at 4:30 am and never fell back asleep. Max woke up at 5 am and that was that.
I got an email from one of the nurses at my clinic today telling me the results from the mandatory testing for my IVF cycle came back and that I was reactive to HTLV 1/2, but she didn’t know what that meant and to ask my RE tomorrow when she thought I was going to be in the office to review my calendar with the nurse coordinator, but we are doing a phone review instead so I emailed him. He said the office was closed so he couldn’t get the results tonight, but that he would email a detailed explanation tomorrow… “Suffice it to say that HTLV1 and 2 infections are almost always clinically insignificant. They don’t cause any symptoms. Very very rarely, the are associated with a specific type of leukemia. The reason the Federal government requires us to test for it is more historical than scientific.” A quick internet search told me why he responded as such because words like HIV, Cancer, and Blood come up at the top of all the searches.
So, I’m trying not to worry and get myself worked up. It would probably be a tad easier if I were more rested and not as short on sleep.
I’m just thinking, if it isn’t one thing, it is another. If I were the kind of person that let difficult situations keep me down, I would be in one world of hurt right now with the m/c, Max’s breathing incident, and now this test result.
I’m just telling myself the same thing that I do when spotting/cramping and praying it isn’t a m/c….that it isn’t good, but it doesn’t have to be really bad.
ps. I didn't work today and got a lot of things done (but, not the fountain, long story that I don’t' have the energy to tell right now) and went to the movies and an early dinner with my mom. It actually felt like a vacation day, unlike the day I took off a few weeks ago when going in for a beta, missed the movie, and an acu appointment.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Happy 4th of July
Max is taking an extra long nap -- 2 hrs 45 min. and counting. I am itching to go peek in on him to make sure he is still alive and breathing, especially after the incident the other day. However, he has had a busy few days and we are going to a party tonight and will be out late so I am going to hold off until either noon or I finish this blog unless he wakes up first. I thought the phone just ringing might have woken him, but don’t hear him so maybe not. Since I only planned on his usual 60-90 min. nap, I have gotten more than what I had wanted done, but still could do more instead of playing on the computer.
I’m going to a big party tonight. It should be a grand time. I realized it has been years and years and years, like at least 8 since I have done anything on the 4th. It was my Lucky’s least favorite holiday in the year with New Years being a close second. The fireworks and popping noises really freaked her out. She would try to hide. If someone let of a firecracker when we were doing our evening walk, she would put her tail between her legs and try to hide under a car. She would try to get as close to me as possible and her favorite place was sitting on my head. Because of the stress and anxiety it caused her, I stayed close to home. One year, I went to a BBQ, but my mom and sister were here with Lucky. She got so scared she hid in the fireplace and came out black (and she had white fur). Anyway, as great a time I am having this weekend. I’m a bit sad inside and missing my Lucky.
Okay, Max is awake and chattering. Got to go.
Happy 4th!
I’m going to a big party tonight. It should be a grand time. I realized it has been years and years and years, like at least 8 since I have done anything on the 4th. It was my Lucky’s least favorite holiday in the year with New Years being a close second. The fireworks and popping noises really freaked her out. She would try to hide. If someone let of a firecracker when we were doing our evening walk, she would put her tail between her legs and try to hide under a car. She would try to get as close to me as possible and her favorite place was sitting on my head. Because of the stress and anxiety it caused her, I stayed close to home. One year, I went to a BBQ, but my mom and sister were here with Lucky. She got so scared she hid in the fireplace and came out black (and she had white fur). Anyway, as great a time I am having this weekend. I’m a bit sad inside and missing my Lucky.
Okay, Max is awake and chattering. Got to go.
Happy 4th!
Monday, July 03, 2006
Breath-Holding Spells
Very tired. Didn't get much sleep between worry of Max and reoccurring attacks of what I thought were spiders, but turns out to be little small mosquitoes. After about 10 bites and Max waking up for a bottle around 3 where I moved him to his crib for a bit, I found the culprits, but couldn’t catch them, but luckily I liberally applied some Skin So Soft and they left me alone after that. Max woke up at 4 crying and ended back in bed with me and the then the co-sleeper and then me for a bit, before I took him to his room and rocked him chest to chest for awhile. It was good for my stress and nerves and put him into a deep enough sleep he is still sleeping.
I’m glad I live in a day and age where Web MD exists. See the link below to more information on Breath Holding Spells. Max’s symptoms match the pallid description mostly. Scary stuff. Sounds like it could happen again as he gets older, but that it is harmless in the end. Maybe harmless to the child. I am sure it takes years off the parent every time it occurs. They recommend waiting for up to a minute and then calling 911 and starting assisted breathing if the child isn’t breathing on his/her own. I can tell you, God forbid, if it should ever happen again, I will not be waiting a minute before assisted breathing.
http://www.webmd.com/hw/raising_a_family/hw31829.asp
Again, scary stuff, but unlikely anything serious.
I’m glad I live in a day and age where Web MD exists. See the link below to more information on Breath Holding Spells. Max’s symptoms match the pallid description mostly. Scary stuff. Sounds like it could happen again as he gets older, but that it is harmless in the end. Maybe harmless to the child. I am sure it takes years off the parent every time it occurs. They recommend waiting for up to a minute and then calling 911 and starting assisted breathing if the child isn’t breathing on his/her own. I can tell you, God forbid, if it should ever happen again, I will not be waiting a minute before assisted breathing.
http://www.webmd.com/hw/raising_a_family/hw31829.asp
Again, scary stuff, but unlikely anything serious.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
First ER Visit - Breath Holding spell?
Let me start by saying all is well (that we know), but we had our first trip to the ER tonight. Very scary stuff. It was about 6:30 pm and my mom and friend N were over to visit. We spent a wonderful few hours in the backyard/pool and had just finished dinner. The actual event itself is a bit blurry with all of us having a slightly different take. My version is that Max was going for City Boy who was on the table, but Shadow was in the way and he tripped trying to get around Shadow and fell. N says she just saw him crumble, but don’t think he hit his head. My mom didn’t see anything, just heard him scream.
Here is the version we all agree on. Max screamed and I picked him up. I was looking him over to see if there was blood or if I could see a bump or bruise to tell what happened. Nerre said, why isn’t he gasping. My mom said, he’s not breathing. I looked at him and his mouth was open, but nothing was coming out. I gave him a shake, but he was still limp in my arms. I gave him mouth to mouth and the first breath did nothing. On the second breath, he started breathing and screaming. We all thought it lasted about 20 – 40 seconds. N had gotten up to call 911 when I got him breathing again.
He seemed fine afterwards, but a bit wobbly, after I had calmed him down. However, we were all a bit panicked and crying at this point so admittedly, it could have just me projecting that on him since that is how I felt. I called Max’s pedestrian, who just happened to be on-call this weekend, and he said just to be safe, go check him out.
The ER doctor checked him out and called the pedestrian on call for the hospital and THINK it was probably a “Breath Holding Spell”. He said it could have been a seizure or something else, but without being there and seeing it they don’t know for sure. The ER doctor said that it was unlikely that he hadn’t breathed for 30 seconds because he would have changed colors like purple or blue and we all agree that he didn’t. It is very likely that it wasn’t that long, but just felt that way. I asked the doc what would have happened if I hadn’t given him CPR would he have started breathing on his own, he said likely if it was a breath holding spell.
All I can say is that it was truly a very frightening experience. Of course, my biggest fear for him has always been SIDS or suffocation so this just plays into my darkest fears for him. Needless to say, he is sleeping in the co-sleeper in my room tonight so I can keep a good eye on him.
The ER doc said that he looked healthy and fine and I agree. He really was a trouper through the whole ordeal to the hospital. Yes, he was active and fidgety and wanting to check everything out, but even tired and past his bedtime, he didn’t fuss or get bent out of shape. The kid is portable.
I have to say that ER got him in QUICK. I filled out paperwork, sat down for about three minutes was listening to a lady who was there with her son (who I saw again on the way out) ask this guy how long he had been waiting and he said over an hour (he cut his arm with glass from a window) and they hadn’t given him anything for pain. There were about 10 people waiting. We were called right back and seen promptly by the screening nurse and then the ER doctor. I feel really good about the care and promptness and they were busy, just in the time we were waiting, at least 4 ambulances pulled in with patients.
Holy cow am I still a bit freaked. I sure hope that is all it was and nothing too serious. I will have to do some research tomorrow on this, but I am just too wiped out right now and I don’t want to misread or misinterpret anything as a result.
Here is the version we all agree on. Max screamed and I picked him up. I was looking him over to see if there was blood or if I could see a bump or bruise to tell what happened. Nerre said, why isn’t he gasping. My mom said, he’s not breathing. I looked at him and his mouth was open, but nothing was coming out. I gave him a shake, but he was still limp in my arms. I gave him mouth to mouth and the first breath did nothing. On the second breath, he started breathing and screaming. We all thought it lasted about 20 – 40 seconds. N had gotten up to call 911 when I got him breathing again.
He seemed fine afterwards, but a bit wobbly, after I had calmed him down. However, we were all a bit panicked and crying at this point so admittedly, it could have just me projecting that on him since that is how I felt. I called Max’s pedestrian, who just happened to be on-call this weekend, and he said just to be safe, go check him out.
The ER doctor checked him out and called the pedestrian on call for the hospital and THINK it was probably a “Breath Holding Spell”. He said it could have been a seizure or something else, but without being there and seeing it they don’t know for sure. The ER doctor said that it was unlikely that he hadn’t breathed for 30 seconds because he would have changed colors like purple or blue and we all agree that he didn’t. It is very likely that it wasn’t that long, but just felt that way. I asked the doc what would have happened if I hadn’t given him CPR would he have started breathing on his own, he said likely if it was a breath holding spell.
All I can say is that it was truly a very frightening experience. Of course, my biggest fear for him has always been SIDS or suffocation so this just plays into my darkest fears for him. Needless to say, he is sleeping in the co-sleeper in my room tonight so I can keep a good eye on him.
The ER doc said that he looked healthy and fine and I agree. He really was a trouper through the whole ordeal to the hospital. Yes, he was active and fidgety and wanting to check everything out, but even tired and past his bedtime, he didn’t fuss or get bent out of shape. The kid is portable.
I have to say that ER got him in QUICK. I filled out paperwork, sat down for about three minutes was listening to a lady who was there with her son (who I saw again on the way out) ask this guy how long he had been waiting and he said over an hour (he cut his arm with glass from a window) and they hadn’t given him anything for pain. There were about 10 people waiting. We were called right back and seen promptly by the screening nurse and then the ER doctor. I feel really good about the care and promptness and they were busy, just in the time we were waiting, at least 4 ambulances pulled in with patients.
Holy cow am I still a bit freaked. I sure hope that is all it was and nothing too serious. I will have to do some research tomorrow on this, but I am just too wiped out right now and I don’t want to misread or misinterpret anything as a result.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Saturday Night Musing
God, it was a great day not having to work and getting to spend all day with Max, even if I am very tired. Five whole days and no work. I pretty much have something planned for everyday, but not too planned or overscheduled.
I decided that I am going to use these 5 days to get Max on a better (read back to two a day) nap schedule. He woke my up once to often lately (this morning) in the 4 am hour. I can handle the 5 am hour. Even the 3 am hour is better for me than the 4 am hour. So, he went down nicely for his first nap around 9 am, but we never really have trouble with the first nap. He slept for about 1.5 hours. Then, he had an early lunch, we ran some errands, came back and played (chase, hug, and generally bug Shadow with laughter and utter glee in his voice was the favorite game of today and Shadow was NOT amused), watched a dvd, and then around 1 ish gave him a bottle and then put him in his crib. It took a few trips in to give him more formula, give him a book for his crib, and general soothing, plus a bit of cry it out in the end and finally, he went down for another 1.5 hour nap. This actually totals about the same amount of sleep he was getting with one nap, but the stretch in the afternoon to bedtime is just too long and he is too tired. Because of the good afternoon nap, I moved his bedtime back 30 min. to 7:30 pm, but he was so tired and went to sleep so easily I probably could have left it at 7 pm. We will see if this works. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wakes up at some point pee’d through because we were out in the backyard playing in the water and the heat for a few hours and he drank a lot of water.
Well, I should say that Max played (quite nicely amusing himself) in the afternoon while I worked on the project I decided to tackle now that I am not pregnant. The “fix the fountain” project. The old motor died and needed to be replaced so one of our errands was to get that, along with a little memorial for the little wee one that never made it to birth (a butterfly statue, that looks like it could also be a dragon fly). It is very different from the fairy statue from my first m/c, but I had gone in thinking about a butterfly and found one I liked (and didn’t really find anything else I liked instead). Anyway, I managed to get the fountain drained and apart. I can’t describe what a PITA that was and I have a sore back and legs, plus a big bruise on my left thigh, a big bruise on my right calf, and a sore toe from where I dropped (all on separate occasions) on myself. I tested the old pump to ensure that it in fact did not work, before opening the new one (at a mere $105) and attempted to get it back together again. I flat out couldn’t do it. I was so wishing I was married or had someone else around to call and help because I just wanted this done and I had to keep stopping to make sure Max wasn’t getting into trouble and hosing off the cement so he didn’t burn himself (because of course he would much rather play in the mud puddles in the sun than the nice water toys momma bought for him in the shade). I called my cousin to tell her how much I miss her not coming this summer and tell her about my fountain project cause I know she would have helped if she were here since last time the pump burnt out, she helped me fix it. She reminded me that she and I couldn’t do it by ourselves and that James her 13 (at the time) year old son help. Damn. I had forgotten about that. No wonder I couldn’t do it by myself. I called the place I bought it from to see how much it would cost to send a crew out to put it back together. $170. Not quite ready to part with that cash yet. I think I may ask my gardeners on Wednesday if they will do it if I pay them $40 or $60 in cash. Still a bargain for me and they are already here. I also thought about trying to hire a day laborer for a few hours, but don’t really feel comfortable doing that with just Max and I (guys just hang out on the street and wait for people to drive up and offer them work). So, another project on the to-do list not done that will require more of a cash investment to resolve.
My Friday project really started on Thursday night also remains incomplete and will likely require a call to the plumber to resolve. I really should be able to fix it myself. It is not that hard, but I am tired with the early wake ups and have either needed to work (or today rested and read while Max napped, after picking up the mess created since the last time he slept). The hand sprayer on my kitchen faucet started leaking so I bought one that looked exactly like it to replace it (even took the old one in as a model to be sure). Well, it only looked alike from the outside. The inside was slightly different. So, I thought I had to take off this white thing on the hose to connect it. I was wrong and basically screwed up the hose such that I was not able to fix it, which required me to replace the hose. Of course, to get to where the hose connects I either had to work blind, which I couldn’t do because it is behind the garbage disposal and my arms aren’t long enough or cut a hole in the cupboard (inside) between the left and the middle section. So, I cut the whole yesterday, got everything replaced, and tested it. Naomi was nice enough to stay a little late while I cleaned up and finished up. I thought I had it all with no leaks except a slow drip on the handle. I was wrong. I now have a baking dish in the cupboard to catch the water and need to empty it after using the kitchen sink to avoid water all over the kitchen floor (again). I either need to search deep within to find the patience and stamina to get back to this project or likely it will end up as another project that will require more of a cash investment to resolve.
Speaking of cash investments, I was buying a new microwave (because the old one that I had for 15+ years died sadly and they no longer make the same model) when I got the official news of the m/c. I really don’t like the new one. Not because of the timing, but because of other stupid reasons, mostly because it isn’t the old one. It shows finger prints. It cooks things too hot and too fast. It has express timers, but the 1 min. one is usually too long and the 30 second one is usually too short. To do a manual time amount is a pain. Plus, the cord is about 3 inches too short to fit into the outlet without an extension so the cart it sits on is out of place because I have been to tired/lazy/it hasn’t bugged me quite enough to find an extension and fix it.
Other than minor hassles of every day life, I am doing just fine. I have been reading that Coming to Term book when I get time (about 5 – 10 min at night before I am so tired I need to sleep) and it is very interesting and encouraging. I have slowly started to call or get back in contact with friends I just didn’t have the energy or desire to talk with after the m/c. I have been on BCP’s (birth control pills) in prep for my cycle for about 5 days now and I am one of those odd ducks that LOVES being on BCP’s. I spent most of my adult life (from 20 – 40) on BCP’s except for about a year in my late 20’s until I stopped ttc. I know most people get moody and out of sorts on BCP’s, but they just really regulate me (who normally produces too much estrogen and not enough progesterone) and I tend to feel great on them.
A friend mentioned wine earlier and I seriously thought about opening a bottle tonight and having a glass (since it is a nice long weekend and I have no reason to not), but it just seemed like too much energy and wouldn’t really have “gone” with my gourmet dinner of spaghetteos out of a can. I’m sure water was the better choice. Hmm. Maybe I will go pour myself a glass and go soak in the tub forgetting all about my projects that are currently in shambles and worse off from when I started.
Of course, with my luck, I will have the wine and then have a night from HELL where Max wakes up umpteen times just to torment me for his minor CIO nap earlier today. See how pessimistic I have become these last few years. I used to be such a positive optimistic gal.
I decided that I am going to use these 5 days to get Max on a better (read back to two a day) nap schedule. He woke my up once to often lately (this morning) in the 4 am hour. I can handle the 5 am hour. Even the 3 am hour is better for me than the 4 am hour. So, he went down nicely for his first nap around 9 am, but we never really have trouble with the first nap. He slept for about 1.5 hours. Then, he had an early lunch, we ran some errands, came back and played (chase, hug, and generally bug Shadow with laughter and utter glee in his voice was the favorite game of today and Shadow was NOT amused), watched a dvd, and then around 1 ish gave him a bottle and then put him in his crib. It took a few trips in to give him more formula, give him a book for his crib, and general soothing, plus a bit of cry it out in the end and finally, he went down for another 1.5 hour nap. This actually totals about the same amount of sleep he was getting with one nap, but the stretch in the afternoon to bedtime is just too long and he is too tired. Because of the good afternoon nap, I moved his bedtime back 30 min. to 7:30 pm, but he was so tired and went to sleep so easily I probably could have left it at 7 pm. We will see if this works. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wakes up at some point pee’d through because we were out in the backyard playing in the water and the heat for a few hours and he drank a lot of water.
Well, I should say that Max played (quite nicely amusing himself) in the afternoon while I worked on the project I decided to tackle now that I am not pregnant. The “fix the fountain” project. The old motor died and needed to be replaced so one of our errands was to get that, along with a little memorial for the little wee one that never made it to birth (a butterfly statue, that looks like it could also be a dragon fly). It is very different from the fairy statue from my first m/c, but I had gone in thinking about a butterfly and found one I liked (and didn’t really find anything else I liked instead). Anyway, I managed to get the fountain drained and apart. I can’t describe what a PITA that was and I have a sore back and legs, plus a big bruise on my left thigh, a big bruise on my right calf, and a sore toe from where I dropped (all on separate occasions) on myself. I tested the old pump to ensure that it in fact did not work, before opening the new one (at a mere $105) and attempted to get it back together again. I flat out couldn’t do it. I was so wishing I was married or had someone else around to call and help because I just wanted this done and I had to keep stopping to make sure Max wasn’t getting into trouble and hosing off the cement so he didn’t burn himself (because of course he would much rather play in the mud puddles in the sun than the nice water toys momma bought for him in the shade). I called my cousin to tell her how much I miss her not coming this summer and tell her about my fountain project cause I know she would have helped if she were here since last time the pump burnt out, she helped me fix it. She reminded me that she and I couldn’t do it by ourselves and that James her 13 (at the time) year old son help. Damn. I had forgotten about that. No wonder I couldn’t do it by myself. I called the place I bought it from to see how much it would cost to send a crew out to put it back together. $170. Not quite ready to part with that cash yet. I think I may ask my gardeners on Wednesday if they will do it if I pay them $40 or $60 in cash. Still a bargain for me and they are already here. I also thought about trying to hire a day laborer for a few hours, but don’t really feel comfortable doing that with just Max and I (guys just hang out on the street and wait for people to drive up and offer them work). So, another project on the to-do list not done that will require more of a cash investment to resolve.
My Friday project really started on Thursday night also remains incomplete and will likely require a call to the plumber to resolve. I really should be able to fix it myself. It is not that hard, but I am tired with the early wake ups and have either needed to work (or today rested and read while Max napped, after picking up the mess created since the last time he slept). The hand sprayer on my kitchen faucet started leaking so I bought one that looked exactly like it to replace it (even took the old one in as a model to be sure). Well, it only looked alike from the outside. The inside was slightly different. So, I thought I had to take off this white thing on the hose to connect it. I was wrong and basically screwed up the hose such that I was not able to fix it, which required me to replace the hose. Of course, to get to where the hose connects I either had to work blind, which I couldn’t do because it is behind the garbage disposal and my arms aren’t long enough or cut a hole in the cupboard (inside) between the left and the middle section. So, I cut the whole yesterday, got everything replaced, and tested it. Naomi was nice enough to stay a little late while I cleaned up and finished up. I thought I had it all with no leaks except a slow drip on the handle. I was wrong. I now have a baking dish in the cupboard to catch the water and need to empty it after using the kitchen sink to avoid water all over the kitchen floor (again). I either need to search deep within to find the patience and stamina to get back to this project or likely it will end up as another project that will require more of a cash investment to resolve.
Speaking of cash investments, I was buying a new microwave (because the old one that I had for 15+ years died sadly and they no longer make the same model) when I got the official news of the m/c. I really don’t like the new one. Not because of the timing, but because of other stupid reasons, mostly because it isn’t the old one. It shows finger prints. It cooks things too hot and too fast. It has express timers, but the 1 min. one is usually too long and the 30 second one is usually too short. To do a manual time amount is a pain. Plus, the cord is about 3 inches too short to fit into the outlet without an extension so the cart it sits on is out of place because I have been to tired/lazy/it hasn’t bugged me quite enough to find an extension and fix it.
Other than minor hassles of every day life, I am doing just fine. I have been reading that Coming to Term book when I get time (about 5 – 10 min at night before I am so tired I need to sleep) and it is very interesting and encouraging. I have slowly started to call or get back in contact with friends I just didn’t have the energy or desire to talk with after the m/c. I have been on BCP’s (birth control pills) in prep for my cycle for about 5 days now and I am one of those odd ducks that LOVES being on BCP’s. I spent most of my adult life (from 20 – 40) on BCP’s except for about a year in my late 20’s until I stopped ttc. I know most people get moody and out of sorts on BCP’s, but they just really regulate me (who normally produces too much estrogen and not enough progesterone) and I tend to feel great on them.
A friend mentioned wine earlier and I seriously thought about opening a bottle tonight and having a glass (since it is a nice long weekend and I have no reason to not), but it just seemed like too much energy and wouldn’t really have “gone” with my gourmet dinner of spaghetteos out of a can. I’m sure water was the better choice. Hmm. Maybe I will go pour myself a glass and go soak in the tub forgetting all about my projects that are currently in shambles and worse off from when I started.
Of course, with my luck, I will have the wine and then have a night from HELL where Max wakes up umpteen times just to torment me for his minor CIO nap earlier today. See how pessimistic I have become these last few years. I used to be such a positive optimistic gal.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
On the books
Oh, and on the books I mentioned I had just finished/was starting a few days ago, I messed up the authors. Probably, not a big surprise to anyone who knows me IRL. Anyway, the author of The Big House is George Howe Colt and the author of Coming to Term is Jon Cohen. Clearly, you can see how easy that was to mix up.
Have I mentioned lately how fond I am of my RE? I just sent him a long email filled with questions. He responded already. Could it have been that I mentioned that maybe it would be better to schedule a consult if it would be easier for him rather than responding by email. LOL. Clearly not.
Off to see Dr. Dan (chiropractor) who I have not seen in awhile. Looking forward to it.
Have I mentioned lately how fond I am of my RE? I just sent him a long email filled with questions. He responded already. Could it have been that I mentioned that maybe it would be better to schedule a consult if it would be easier for him rather than responding by email. LOL. Clearly not.
Off to see Dr. Dan (chiropractor) who I have not seen in awhile. Looking forward to it.
Odd Updates
I spoke too soon on the Max diaper rash thing. It looked like it had cleared up, but then got really bad again. Poor guy, he was really pretty miserable yesterday evening/last night with it. At least, I am assuming that was the problem. It was still a bit red/raw this morning, but does look to be on the mend. I find myself wondering what cause it. A food allergy? Recent humidity? I mean, I know the acidy loose stools/diarrhea was probably a driver, but what caused that? The only thing I can think of is something food related. I have pulled him back to standard/basic fare until bum is better.
Shadow and City Boy are such different creatures, but are getting along quite well even though they do just co-exist most of the time. This morning, both Shadow and City were outside since they had enough of Max chasing them around the house. Max gets so happy when he sees them and just charges right over. Shadow will either get up and move out of range (or move right next to me) as soon as she realizes that she has caught Max’s interest or let Max “finally” catch her and climb on her for a minute or two, until he goes a bit overboard and I make Max stop or move him, and then leaves. City will wait until Max is right next to him and is reaching his hand to get him, before just stepping out of range. It is like he is “playing” with him. He will then walk back and forth in front of Max and let Max chase him for awhile. Once or twice, Max has actually caught City. I wonder if that is an accident and City just misjudged how fast Max was or if it is on purpose to keep him interested in the game. Max just lights up when he sees them and just laughs and laughs and laughs when the animals let Max get close to them (even if the move before he can actually touch them).
Anyway, I was amazed this morning when I was standing in the kitchen switching a load of laundry to the dryer (because there was another big poo poo mess this morning when Max woke up) to hear City meowing out the side door (the one that has the doggie door installed). I look out the windows and see Shadow laying directly in front of the door basically blocking City from getting in the house. City was meowing move you big oaf, you are in my way and I want to get inside (or at least that was my interpretation). Shadow basically ignored City and made it clear she had no intention of moving. So, City walked right over behind Shadow and on top of Shadow to get in the doggie door. It was a sight to see and gave me a big chuckle.
I’m nervous, but also getting excited about the IVF cycle. I had a bunch of work meetings either cancel or go really short today so I had time to email my RE with a whole bunch of questions. Mostly, they are questions that don’t really have answers like, what do you think the odds of me getting cancelled for poor response are? Based on the protocol and my history, how many eggs do you think I will get assuming I don’t get cancelled, etc. Since there were so many, I offered to set up a consult with him to review the questions by phone if he thought it would take less time than by email. I also found out that I have to redo all my labs and cultures. Luckily, I was able to get an appointment at my OB’s office (with the other OB) for the 10th. So, just a few more things to get done and keep me occupied until the roller coaster starts again.
Shadow and City Boy are such different creatures, but are getting along quite well even though they do just co-exist most of the time. This morning, both Shadow and City were outside since they had enough of Max chasing them around the house. Max gets so happy when he sees them and just charges right over. Shadow will either get up and move out of range (or move right next to me) as soon as she realizes that she has caught Max’s interest or let Max “finally” catch her and climb on her for a minute or two, until he goes a bit overboard and I make Max stop or move him, and then leaves. City will wait until Max is right next to him and is reaching his hand to get him, before just stepping out of range. It is like he is “playing” with him. He will then walk back and forth in front of Max and let Max chase him for awhile. Once or twice, Max has actually caught City. I wonder if that is an accident and City just misjudged how fast Max was or if it is on purpose to keep him interested in the game. Max just lights up when he sees them and just laughs and laughs and laughs when the animals let Max get close to them (even if the move before he can actually touch them).
Anyway, I was amazed this morning when I was standing in the kitchen switching a load of laundry to the dryer (because there was another big poo poo mess this morning when Max woke up) to hear City meowing out the side door (the one that has the doggie door installed). I look out the windows and see Shadow laying directly in front of the door basically blocking City from getting in the house. City was meowing move you big oaf, you are in my way and I want to get inside (or at least that was my interpretation). Shadow basically ignored City and made it clear she had no intention of moving. So, City walked right over behind Shadow and on top of Shadow to get in the doggie door. It was a sight to see and gave me a big chuckle.
I’m nervous, but also getting excited about the IVF cycle. I had a bunch of work meetings either cancel or go really short today so I had time to email my RE with a whole bunch of questions. Mostly, they are questions that don’t really have answers like, what do you think the odds of me getting cancelled for poor response are? Based on the protocol and my history, how many eggs do you think I will get assuming I don’t get cancelled, etc. Since there were so many, I offered to set up a consult with him to review the questions by phone if he thought it would take less time than by email. I also found out that I have to redo all my labs and cultures. Luckily, I was able to get an appointment at my OB’s office (with the other OB) for the 10th. So, just a few more things to get done and keep me occupied until the roller coaster starts again.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Protocol Highlights
Just got off the phone with my coordinator and got the highlights of my protocol.
No Lupron. Start Cetritide when lead follicle gets to 15 – 16 mm.
8 Amps of Follistim for 2 days dropping to 4 Amps after 2 days with 1 Amp of Menepur.
Stop BCP’s on the 12th.
Baseline u/s (cd2) = 7/18
Follow up u/s (cd5) = 7/21
Follow up u/s (cd9) = 7/25
Assuming I make it that far:
ER ~ earliest 7/27 and latest 8/2
ET ~ earliest 7/31 and latest 8/6
Amazing how much better I feel now that there is a concrete plan. It isn’t really as aggressive as I would have liked, but hey, I am not the RE and he is worried that I may overstim even though I told him it wouldn’t happen. He said he has heard that before. I mean, MAYBE if my right ovary decides to play, but that isn’t going to happen. Basically it is about double dosage of my last cycle of which I had possible 4 (2 on the high end of maturity and 2 on the low end of maturity). The way I figure it that the max we get is 8 out of this and likely less. Damn. Should I just trust or talk to RE about this. HAHAHAHAHA, trust, that’s a good one. So, I will likely send an email to RE to discuss this a bit. I have decided that this will (most likely) be my one and only IVF if I get there. Maybe I will call a friend to banter protocols with first.
I have a killer headache that is making me nauseous, am very tired since Max decided that waking up in the 3 am hours was a good idea…sure he got to nap between 7:30 and 9 am and again from 1 – 2:30. He still has a bit of diarrhea, but the bum is looking and feeling better.
Mom’s here reading in the living room while Naomi is walking Shadow and Max before we head out to dinner, while I “work”.
No Lupron. Start Cetritide when lead follicle gets to 15 – 16 mm.
8 Amps of Follistim for 2 days dropping to 4 Amps after 2 days with 1 Amp of Menepur.
Stop BCP’s on the 12th.
Baseline u/s (cd2) = 7/18
Follow up u/s (cd5) = 7/21
Follow up u/s (cd9) = 7/25
Assuming I make it that far:
ER ~ earliest 7/27 and latest 8/2
ET ~ earliest 7/31 and latest 8/6
Amazing how much better I feel now that there is a concrete plan. It isn’t really as aggressive as I would have liked, but hey, I am not the RE and he is worried that I may overstim even though I told him it wouldn’t happen. He said he has heard that before. I mean, MAYBE if my right ovary decides to play, but that isn’t going to happen. Basically it is about double dosage of my last cycle of which I had possible 4 (2 on the high end of maturity and 2 on the low end of maturity). The way I figure it that the max we get is 8 out of this and likely less. Damn. Should I just trust or talk to RE about this. HAHAHAHAHA, trust, that’s a good one. So, I will likely send an email to RE to discuss this a bit. I have decided that this will (most likely) be my one and only IVF if I get there. Maybe I will call a friend to banter protocols with first.
I have a killer headache that is making me nauseous, am very tired since Max decided that waking up in the 3 am hours was a good idea…sure he got to nap between 7:30 and 9 am and again from 1 – 2:30. He still has a bit of diarrhea, but the bum is looking and feeling better.
Mom’s here reading in the living room while Naomi is walking Shadow and Max before we head out to dinner, while I “work”.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The end of denial - boo hoo
It has been a hard emotional day or two. It is hard to stay in denial when yesterday I had my final beta (3.18), had my Rhogam shot (RH Factor), paid for my July IVF cycle, and started BCP’s for said cycle.
On the Rhogam, since the loss was so early, likely a Rhogam shot is not needed, but why chance it since it is just one more shot? I had forgotten what a hassle this was from the last time. The doc’s want to prescribe a 50 ml micro dose, but most pharmacies don’t carry this and/or it is discontinued depending on who you talk to. Last time, I had it done at the RE clinic and my RE was out of town. The other RE stepped in and they gave me the full dose which is overkill, but would not cause a problem. This time, my RE sent me to my OB (who happens to be his wife). I was supposed to go to the office, get the prescription, get it filled at the pharmacy down stairs, then go back to the office to get the actual shot. Well, the pharmacy told me they didn’t have it and couldn’t fill it. The OB office wanted me to drive around and find a pharmacy. It was the last straw. I just started getting teary eyed and told her that I had been through this before. No one carries the microdose. She goes and talks to the doc (not my OB, but the other OB in the office) who rewrites the prescription. I go back to the pharmacy and they fill it and tell me my insurance won’t cover it because it is an injectable. The tears just started overflowing and I couldn’t stop them. The pharmacist just reached over and touched my hand and told me that she was sorry. I could tell she meant sorry for my loss, the reason I needed the Rhogam as well as the hassle. I just pulled out my card and handed it to them to pay. I head back to the OB’s (just one flight of stairs, not that I took the stairs, and a trip down the hall) where I tried not to completely loose it as a happy young pregnant couple came in. Finally, I was called back where the nurse went to the scale. I must have given her some look because she said, “ahh, you don’t want me to weight you?”. I said, “no, not really” so she puts me in a room (the one with the ultrasound) and gets the blood pressure machine and measure my blood pressure. I must have given her another look and started crying again. This is the routine they do at the start of every pre-natal visit, minus the pee in the cup. I can tell she things I am pregnant and wondering what is up. So, she asks, “why are we giving you the Rhogam shot?” I replied because I was having a m/c. Idiot. She didn’t even have the decency to off any condolences or anything. If fact, no one in the office did. Yet, I know they knew why I was there. Apparently, everyone except the nurse. In fact the receptionist called around to a local pharmacy when she didn’t believe me that they wouldn’t have it and explained it to the person as “you know, the RH Factor shot you get when you are pregnant or MISCARRYING”. Sigh. I know that I was just emotional and oversensitive and most people don’t know what to say. Sometimes, that can actually even be easier than the compassion (like the pharmacist showed).
Anyway, just been moody, and emotional, and sad. So very sad.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I was thinking about the loss and my upcoming IVF cycle and how I should really probably wait to cycle, but how I am not going to. The funny thing is that I am pretty sure this cycle will not work, especially if it fits my past pattern, but I have to try. Maybe even if it doesn’t work, I will have something to freeze. Maybe. Not holding out any hope, but that is the main reason I am going to do it.
I was thinking about how many things could go wrong. I could have a bad response and get cancelled again. It could be negative with nothing to freeze. Worse, I could get pregnant and have another m/c. So many things could go wrong, but only one thing can go right. And still, I am going to go for it. It will be my one and only IVF. It it doesn’t work, I will take a break for a month or to and try a few more IUI’s. I talked to my sperm bank today and they said my donor has about 14 vials and his IUI vials are better and more expensive than the ICI. She knows only one other person who is currently using him and she is doing IUI’s at the bank and only buying a few at a time for financial reasons. My donor is not actively listed anymore and only available to families for siblings. If my IVF fails, I will be down to 2 left. I will then likely buy 4 and try 6 IUI’s. If I don’t get pregnant on those, I will have to re-evaluate (if I don’t have a new plan in place by then).
I finished reading last night a book called The Big House by George Howe Cohen. It was a good read, although it took me awhile to get through with everything going on these last three weeks.
I started reading a book called Coming to Term about re-occurring pregnancy loss. The title of chapter 1? Not viable. How I know that well.
In Max news, we hit a new milestone/first, he has had his first bout of diarrhea which has given him is first real diaper rash. Poor guy. He woke at 3:30 and took a bit of bottle before going back to sleep. He woke up at 4:30 in a big poo poo mess and went directly to the sink for a sink bath. He had 4 or 5 diarrhea diapers today (from a guy who is an every couple of day irregular kind of guy) and the acid just ate at his tender little bum. He SCREAMED when Naomi tried to apply Balmex (learned very early that Destin made things worse for him) so we have been using Neosporin with pain and/or the COSTCO Triple Antibiotic cream and they have turned my fussy guy back into his happy cheerful self, even if he still does have a sore bum.
I’m tired and haven’t been sleeping great. I want to try to set up regular appointments with my acupuncturist prior to this cycle and at least get in to see my Chiropractor once if possible. I had plenty of time to call today, but…was immobilized and it just didn’t get done. Tears were so close to the surface that I almost started bawling when Max was crying as Naomi changed him and wasn’t sure I could set up the appointments without a cryfest.
So, I guess I hang out on BCP’s for the next few weeks. I wonder when I will get my protocol. I think I will probably stop BCP’s on the 11th and start stims on the 18th since cd9 is the 25th. Kaia, this means I will likely be on bed rest on Aug. 1 and/or second. I decided I was going to talk to my RE about this whole bed rest thing and have him show me studies that show it makes one lick of difference. If I am fortunate to make it that far, I will likely scale back a bit, but just can’t see spending 3 days in bed. It’s just not going to happen. Also, I’ve been thinking about how many in range follicles I would want to either move forward to ER or cancel. Need to talk to my RE, but I am thinking 6 or under, convert to IUI. Also, been thinking if I get that far, how many I would want to transfer. Assuming decent quality (like 8 cell grade A) I would only do 2. Lesser quality will cause for a last minute decision based on many different factors.
So, I am grieving still for my loss and ramping up to go another round.
And, the only conciliation I have come up with for the failed cycle is that now maybe I can get the fountain working in my back yard before I have a pool party over here on the 8th since it is too heavy for me to lift/take apart/do what I need to do while pregnant. While I have it apart would also be a good time for me to have a few trees removed in the back yard (so I can level the dirt), but I’m going to hold on to that money for awhile until I see how things work.
It’s hard for me to get enthused for a cycle I don’t think will work, but I can’t win the game unless I play. If it doesn’t work, fine. It will be as I expected. If it does, great. I will hope and pray that I make it through the needed milestones to actually have another child.
If anything, I have just become a little more scared and a little more jaded from this last m/c. Have we not all learned the lesson by now that pregnancy does NOT necessarily correlate to having a child. I don’t just want to get pregnant. That is not my goal. My goal is to build my family with another child or two.
Shall we review my cycle history quickly before I got take my PNV, BCP, and get ready for bed?
Round 1
Cycle 1 = BFN
Cycle 2 = Preg.; M/C
Cycle 3 = BFN
Cycle 4 = Max
Round 2
Cycle 1 = BFN
Cycle 2 = Preg.; M/C
Cycle 3 = ?
See the pattern? See why I am afraid? I tell myself that it is a stupid pattern. Coincidence. Nothing more. Nothing less. I would love to break the pattern on this cycle, but only if I actually get a kid out of it. I think it would be two cruel to have back to back m/c’s. I would rather get a negative than have another m/c right after this one.
Like I said, still trying to deal with the grief and loss of R2C2 while gearing up for R2C3. Not ideal, but I’m going to do it anyway because I am pig headed and stubborn and just can’t wait until September to do an IVF. And, I just need to see how I will do if we pull out all the stops and hit me with an aggressive IVF protocol. Even if I get a negative and I have something to freeze (for potential child #3), I will be fine with the decision to cycle so soon after the m/c and with the results (remind me of that when it fails, okay?). If nothing else, this m/c has solidified in my mind that I want three. And, no way could I go back for a third as soon as I have for a second. No way physically and emotionally and practically. And, if I wait, I will likely be too old.
I was thinking about how tired I was this weekend. I think that maybe that is how many women feel after just one child often. I think that is why many think I am crazy to want a second and want a second child so soon. I really can run on a lot less sleep than many (and I think my son may have inherited that from me judging on his early sleep patterns). I think that helps.
As you can tell, I am all over the map. Lots on my mind.
On the Rhogam, since the loss was so early, likely a Rhogam shot is not needed, but why chance it since it is just one more shot? I had forgotten what a hassle this was from the last time. The doc’s want to prescribe a 50 ml micro dose, but most pharmacies don’t carry this and/or it is discontinued depending on who you talk to. Last time, I had it done at the RE clinic and my RE was out of town. The other RE stepped in and they gave me the full dose which is overkill, but would not cause a problem. This time, my RE sent me to my OB (who happens to be his wife). I was supposed to go to the office, get the prescription, get it filled at the pharmacy down stairs, then go back to the office to get the actual shot. Well, the pharmacy told me they didn’t have it and couldn’t fill it. The OB office wanted me to drive around and find a pharmacy. It was the last straw. I just started getting teary eyed and told her that I had been through this before. No one carries the microdose. She goes and talks to the doc (not my OB, but the other OB in the office) who rewrites the prescription. I go back to the pharmacy and they fill it and tell me my insurance won’t cover it because it is an injectable. The tears just started overflowing and I couldn’t stop them. The pharmacist just reached over and touched my hand and told me that she was sorry. I could tell she meant sorry for my loss, the reason I needed the Rhogam as well as the hassle. I just pulled out my card and handed it to them to pay. I head back to the OB’s (just one flight of stairs, not that I took the stairs, and a trip down the hall) where I tried not to completely loose it as a happy young pregnant couple came in. Finally, I was called back where the nurse went to the scale. I must have given her some look because she said, “ahh, you don’t want me to weight you?”. I said, “no, not really” so she puts me in a room (the one with the ultrasound) and gets the blood pressure machine and measure my blood pressure. I must have given her another look and started crying again. This is the routine they do at the start of every pre-natal visit, minus the pee in the cup. I can tell she things I am pregnant and wondering what is up. So, she asks, “why are we giving you the Rhogam shot?” I replied because I was having a m/c. Idiot. She didn’t even have the decency to off any condolences or anything. If fact, no one in the office did. Yet, I know they knew why I was there. Apparently, everyone except the nurse. In fact the receptionist called around to a local pharmacy when she didn’t believe me that they wouldn’t have it and explained it to the person as “you know, the RH Factor shot you get when you are pregnant or MISCARRYING”. Sigh. I know that I was just emotional and oversensitive and most people don’t know what to say. Sometimes, that can actually even be easier than the compassion (like the pharmacist showed).
Anyway, just been moody, and emotional, and sad. So very sad.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I was thinking about the loss and my upcoming IVF cycle and how I should really probably wait to cycle, but how I am not going to. The funny thing is that I am pretty sure this cycle will not work, especially if it fits my past pattern, but I have to try. Maybe even if it doesn’t work, I will have something to freeze. Maybe. Not holding out any hope, but that is the main reason I am going to do it.
I was thinking about how many things could go wrong. I could have a bad response and get cancelled again. It could be negative with nothing to freeze. Worse, I could get pregnant and have another m/c. So many things could go wrong, but only one thing can go right. And still, I am going to go for it. It will be my one and only IVF. It it doesn’t work, I will take a break for a month or to and try a few more IUI’s. I talked to my sperm bank today and they said my donor has about 14 vials and his IUI vials are better and more expensive than the ICI. She knows only one other person who is currently using him and she is doing IUI’s at the bank and only buying a few at a time for financial reasons. My donor is not actively listed anymore and only available to families for siblings. If my IVF fails, I will be down to 2 left. I will then likely buy 4 and try 6 IUI’s. If I don’t get pregnant on those, I will have to re-evaluate (if I don’t have a new plan in place by then).
I finished reading last night a book called The Big House by George Howe Cohen. It was a good read, although it took me awhile to get through with everything going on these last three weeks.
I started reading a book called Coming to Term about re-occurring pregnancy loss. The title of chapter 1? Not viable. How I know that well.
In Max news, we hit a new milestone/first, he has had his first bout of diarrhea which has given him is first real diaper rash. Poor guy. He woke at 3:30 and took a bit of bottle before going back to sleep. He woke up at 4:30 in a big poo poo mess and went directly to the sink for a sink bath. He had 4 or 5 diarrhea diapers today (from a guy who is an every couple of day irregular kind of guy) and the acid just ate at his tender little bum. He SCREAMED when Naomi tried to apply Balmex (learned very early that Destin made things worse for him) so we have been using Neosporin with pain and/or the COSTCO Triple Antibiotic cream and they have turned my fussy guy back into his happy cheerful self, even if he still does have a sore bum.
I’m tired and haven’t been sleeping great. I want to try to set up regular appointments with my acupuncturist prior to this cycle and at least get in to see my Chiropractor once if possible. I had plenty of time to call today, but…was immobilized and it just didn’t get done. Tears were so close to the surface that I almost started bawling when Max was crying as Naomi changed him and wasn’t sure I could set up the appointments without a cryfest.
So, I guess I hang out on BCP’s for the next few weeks. I wonder when I will get my protocol. I think I will probably stop BCP’s on the 11th and start stims on the 18th since cd9 is the 25th. Kaia, this means I will likely be on bed rest on Aug. 1 and/or second. I decided I was going to talk to my RE about this whole bed rest thing and have him show me studies that show it makes one lick of difference. If I am fortunate to make it that far, I will likely scale back a bit, but just can’t see spending 3 days in bed. It’s just not going to happen. Also, I’ve been thinking about how many in range follicles I would want to either move forward to ER or cancel. Need to talk to my RE, but I am thinking 6 or under, convert to IUI. Also, been thinking if I get that far, how many I would want to transfer. Assuming decent quality (like 8 cell grade A) I would only do 2. Lesser quality will cause for a last minute decision based on many different factors.
So, I am grieving still for my loss and ramping up to go another round.
And, the only conciliation I have come up with for the failed cycle is that now maybe I can get the fountain working in my back yard before I have a pool party over here on the 8th since it is too heavy for me to lift/take apart/do what I need to do while pregnant. While I have it apart would also be a good time for me to have a few trees removed in the back yard (so I can level the dirt), but I’m going to hold on to that money for awhile until I see how things work.
It’s hard for me to get enthused for a cycle I don’t think will work, but I can’t win the game unless I play. If it doesn’t work, fine. It will be as I expected. If it does, great. I will hope and pray that I make it through the needed milestones to actually have another child.
If anything, I have just become a little more scared and a little more jaded from this last m/c. Have we not all learned the lesson by now that pregnancy does NOT necessarily correlate to having a child. I don’t just want to get pregnant. That is not my goal. My goal is to build my family with another child or two.
Shall we review my cycle history quickly before I got take my PNV, BCP, and get ready for bed?
Round 1
Cycle 1 = BFN
Cycle 2 = Preg.; M/C
Cycle 3 = BFN
Cycle 4 = Max
Round 2
Cycle 1 = BFN
Cycle 2 = Preg.; M/C
Cycle 3 = ?
See the pattern? See why I am afraid? I tell myself that it is a stupid pattern. Coincidence. Nothing more. Nothing less. I would love to break the pattern on this cycle, but only if I actually get a kid out of it. I think it would be two cruel to have back to back m/c’s. I would rather get a negative than have another m/c right after this one.
Like I said, still trying to deal with the grief and loss of R2C2 while gearing up for R2C3. Not ideal, but I’m going to do it anyway because I am pig headed and stubborn and just can’t wait until September to do an IVF. And, I just need to see how I will do if we pull out all the stops and hit me with an aggressive IVF protocol. Even if I get a negative and I have something to freeze (for potential child #3), I will be fine with the decision to cycle so soon after the m/c and with the results (remind me of that when it fails, okay?). If nothing else, this m/c has solidified in my mind that I want three. And, no way could I go back for a third as soon as I have for a second. No way physically and emotionally and practically. And, if I wait, I will likely be too old.
I was thinking about how tired I was this weekend. I think that maybe that is how many women feel after just one child often. I think that is why many think I am crazy to want a second and want a second child so soon. I really can run on a lot less sleep than many (and I think my son may have inherited that from me judging on his early sleep patterns). I think that helps.
As you can tell, I am all over the map. Lots on my mind.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
F’d Up
I have let myself down and really made a few (big in my mind) mistakes the last few days. It’s just sloppy, lack of attention/focus stuff. Completely preventable, never should have happened stuff.
On Friday, I was telling one of my employees about a salary increase and when I told him his new base salary, he said, “boy, I must have missed a few salary increases if THAT is the total”. I gave him someone else’s information. Someone who made 9K more than him per year. Not good. I apologized and explained that I must have forgotten to refresh the screen so it had his name in the header, but someone else’s I the detail. He handled it really well and joked, well, at least you didn’t tell me who it was. He still sounded genuinely happy with the increase and his new base salary when I told him the correct one. I called my boss (one of them) at told him what happened and he was fine with it. He knows the employee it happened with well and he said that knowing him, he really was fine with it. The situation could have been much, much worse (he could have been really upset or some people on the team make 40 – 50 K more than this person and he likely would have been really upset if I had read off that high of a salary). My boss was very understanding and told me I had better get used to messing up not that I am a parent. I still feel really bad. It has been a really long time since I have really made a mistake at work. On the other hand, I made a very good decision to let my boss know about the m/c. I had debated about it and decided to under the premise it is (almost) always better if your boss knows you are going through a personal situation. *
The other two situations had to do with Max and happened this morning. He woke up at 4:30 am for good and I was just so tired.** He had fussed for a few minutes at 3:30 am, but fell back to sleep and I heard the cat barfing about 4 am (but was too tired to get up and deal with it and just made a mental note to turn on the lights and check out my path to Max’s room when getting him). I gave him his bottle and let him play mommie jungle gym for awhile. When he got bored with that, I put him in the co-sleep to play for awhile. When he got bored with that, I closed the door to the master bathroom and the master bedroom to the house and let Max crawl around my room. As long as the animals are out of reach, there is absolutely no harm he can get into (and they were both not in the room at this point. Max was happy with this new freedom and was exploring away. As I was dozing, I suddenly realized that it had gotten too quiet. I couldn’t hear him babbling or crawling. Total silence. I jumped up and flipped on the light and realized that he wasn’t in my room. Crap. I was disoriented and it took me a few seconds to realize my screen door to the back yard was open. Max had figured this out and excitedly crawling around the back yard. Now, the back yard is completely baby proofed (and THIS is why I had the pool safety fenced installed before he became mobile) so he couldn’t really have come to harm out there. Actually, I have let him explore the entire back yard and he has been much further physically from me than this morning. It is just the principle of the matter and scared me. The worst that happened was that he got his PJ’s a bit dirty (they may never come clean) because he crawled through the cat’s vomit which was just watery bile, but since it was wet picked up lots of dirt as he merrily explored. It is just the principle of the matter. I have no idea when or how the screen door got opened. It must have been opened yesterday and I didn’t realize it when I opened the door last night, which I typically do most evenings after it has cooled down outside to cool down the inside of the house.
After that little excitement, I let him continue to crawl around the backyard for awhile (until about 6 am). Then, we went to take Shadow on her morning walk. We went to this big park I discovered that is an un-official off-leach dog park that Shadow really likes. We did a walk around the park, then went to the play area. It is one of those that doesn’t have sand and is great for Max to swing and crawl along. And, the way the structure is designed, it has platforms that Max can crawl around (above the ground). I let him crawl keeping him between my legs so he doesn’t fall over the side. As we were going down one ramp, I put my hand on the railing which had something disgusting and greasy on it. I led Max off the structure (didn’t want to pick him up with my hand like this) and turned my back to wash my hand with the water and antibacterial cleaner in my bag. Somehow Max got back on the play structure and up one of the ramps before I realized it. Man, that kid is quick. After that, I decided enough was enough. Two minor heart attacks (talk about adrenal surge) within a few hours had done me in. Max had a nice breakfast, we read a few books, then he went down for an early nap. Yes, all this adventure before 8:30 am can tire a person out. Fortunately, he slept for about 2.5 hours and I was able to rest and doze off between phone calls. ***
Anyway, I am still very tired. It has been a very busy weekend with lots of running around and physically taxing with watching (admittedly with a few lapses) and the actual m/c occurring. I am spent. I already have the house in order for the night and am going to take a quick cool shower and climb into bed.
Tomorrow starts a new week. A week where I need to “just be better” and focus on the tasks at hand. While none of my fuck up’s ultimately ended up being extremely problematic, they COULD have. My psyche can’t take more mistakes like this.
Yes, I am only human and I have been physically and emotionally pressured recently. I realize this. However, these are not errors in judgment. These are errors in execution. Just plain mistakes caused my lack of concentration and focus. They were all completely preventable if I had been paying attention to what I should have been. I hate fuck up’s like that in general. I especially hate them when they are done by me. I’m better than that. On one hand, I guess my boss is right and no one is perfect and I had better start getting used to it now that I am a parent. On the other hand, I can’t ever see myself getting used to such sloppy behavior either at work or as a parent.
I guess this m/c is taking its toll, just much differently than it did the first time.
* I had ‘Rita’s and Mexican with a friend on Friday after this happened and before I called my boss to tell him. During our discussion and as I was beating myself up, it was brought up that I didn’t have to fess up and likely my peers in the same situation would not have. I am sure the employee would not say anything because he really didn’t seem that upset about it. However, my own work ethic would not allow me to not let my boss know about the mistake.
** I have really been bleeding heavy this weekend. It has been a big, well, bloody mess. It is been different from my last m/c in that I have had minimal cramping. My theory on that is that the uterus is a muscle that got really stretched out with Max and maybe that is why I didn’t cramp. Oddly, my sisters never had cramping prior to having kids, but both did after. I have always had cramping anytime I bleed from my very first period. Maybe mine will be better now. Anyway, when things got started they got started fast and furious and I lost a lot of blood and big clots all very quickly and I wasn’t in pain, just physically weak and very, very tired. Not sleep tired. Exhausted, need to lie horizontal tired. Tired enough that I almost fell asleep on the couch on Saturday afternoon while Max was playing and if I had a good friend right around the corner, I probably would have asked if they could watch Max for 30 – 60 minutes. I didn’t, but rallied.
*** Not that I actually answered the calls, just that the ringing woke me up. I guess most people don’t expect someone to be napping at that time of day. Hey, they might consider it if they got up so early. I didn’t answer the phone once today. I can’t remember the last time I checked messages. I probably should do that at some point. I just don’t really care who called or what they wanted. I feel less guilty not doing call backs if I don’t know exactly why I was called in the first place. Plus, in general, I often don’t answer the phone when it is “my” time with Max. I want to be giving him my attention and focus since it is limited most weeks. Especially, since clearly my focus and attention has caused a few errors in judgment, I realized I need to be extra cautious right now. I was thinking tonight as I was getting Max ready for bed and the phone rang yet again (and went unanswered yet again) and laughing that Max will probably grow up and not realize that you are actually supposed to answer the phone when it rings instead of just acknowledging the ringing phone. (“Our phone is ringing”; “Mamma’s cell phone is ringing”, etc.)
On Friday, I was telling one of my employees about a salary increase and when I told him his new base salary, he said, “boy, I must have missed a few salary increases if THAT is the total”. I gave him someone else’s information. Someone who made 9K more than him per year. Not good. I apologized and explained that I must have forgotten to refresh the screen so it had his name in the header, but someone else’s I the detail. He handled it really well and joked, well, at least you didn’t tell me who it was. He still sounded genuinely happy with the increase and his new base salary when I told him the correct one. I called my boss (one of them) at told him what happened and he was fine with it. He knows the employee it happened with well and he said that knowing him, he really was fine with it. The situation could have been much, much worse (he could have been really upset or some people on the team make 40 – 50 K more than this person and he likely would have been really upset if I had read off that high of a salary). My boss was very understanding and told me I had better get used to messing up not that I am a parent. I still feel really bad. It has been a really long time since I have really made a mistake at work. On the other hand, I made a very good decision to let my boss know about the m/c. I had debated about it and decided to under the premise it is (almost) always better if your boss knows you are going through a personal situation. *
The other two situations had to do with Max and happened this morning. He woke up at 4:30 am for good and I was just so tired.** He had fussed for a few minutes at 3:30 am, but fell back to sleep and I heard the cat barfing about 4 am (but was too tired to get up and deal with it and just made a mental note to turn on the lights and check out my path to Max’s room when getting him). I gave him his bottle and let him play mommie jungle gym for awhile. When he got bored with that, I put him in the co-sleep to play for awhile. When he got bored with that, I closed the door to the master bathroom and the master bedroom to the house and let Max crawl around my room. As long as the animals are out of reach, there is absolutely no harm he can get into (and they were both not in the room at this point. Max was happy with this new freedom and was exploring away. As I was dozing, I suddenly realized that it had gotten too quiet. I couldn’t hear him babbling or crawling. Total silence. I jumped up and flipped on the light and realized that he wasn’t in my room. Crap. I was disoriented and it took me a few seconds to realize my screen door to the back yard was open. Max had figured this out and excitedly crawling around the back yard. Now, the back yard is completely baby proofed (and THIS is why I had the pool safety fenced installed before he became mobile) so he couldn’t really have come to harm out there. Actually, I have let him explore the entire back yard and he has been much further physically from me than this morning. It is just the principle of the matter and scared me. The worst that happened was that he got his PJ’s a bit dirty (they may never come clean) because he crawled through the cat’s vomit which was just watery bile, but since it was wet picked up lots of dirt as he merrily explored. It is just the principle of the matter. I have no idea when or how the screen door got opened. It must have been opened yesterday and I didn’t realize it when I opened the door last night, which I typically do most evenings after it has cooled down outside to cool down the inside of the house.
After that little excitement, I let him continue to crawl around the backyard for awhile (until about 6 am). Then, we went to take Shadow on her morning walk. We went to this big park I discovered that is an un-official off-leach dog park that Shadow really likes. We did a walk around the park, then went to the play area. It is one of those that doesn’t have sand and is great for Max to swing and crawl along. And, the way the structure is designed, it has platforms that Max can crawl around (above the ground). I let him crawl keeping him between my legs so he doesn’t fall over the side. As we were going down one ramp, I put my hand on the railing which had something disgusting and greasy on it. I led Max off the structure (didn’t want to pick him up with my hand like this) and turned my back to wash my hand with the water and antibacterial cleaner in my bag. Somehow Max got back on the play structure and up one of the ramps before I realized it. Man, that kid is quick. After that, I decided enough was enough. Two minor heart attacks (talk about adrenal surge) within a few hours had done me in. Max had a nice breakfast, we read a few books, then he went down for an early nap. Yes, all this adventure before 8:30 am can tire a person out. Fortunately, he slept for about 2.5 hours and I was able to rest and doze off between phone calls. ***
Anyway, I am still very tired. It has been a very busy weekend with lots of running around and physically taxing with watching (admittedly with a few lapses) and the actual m/c occurring. I am spent. I already have the house in order for the night and am going to take a quick cool shower and climb into bed.
Tomorrow starts a new week. A week where I need to “just be better” and focus on the tasks at hand. While none of my fuck up’s ultimately ended up being extremely problematic, they COULD have. My psyche can’t take more mistakes like this.
Yes, I am only human and I have been physically and emotionally pressured recently. I realize this. However, these are not errors in judgment. These are errors in execution. Just plain mistakes caused my lack of concentration and focus. They were all completely preventable if I had been paying attention to what I should have been. I hate fuck up’s like that in general. I especially hate them when they are done by me. I’m better than that. On one hand, I guess my boss is right and no one is perfect and I had better start getting used to it now that I am a parent. On the other hand, I can’t ever see myself getting used to such sloppy behavior either at work or as a parent.
I guess this m/c is taking its toll, just much differently than it did the first time.
* I had ‘Rita’s and Mexican with a friend on Friday after this happened and before I called my boss to tell him. During our discussion and as I was beating myself up, it was brought up that I didn’t have to fess up and likely my peers in the same situation would not have. I am sure the employee would not say anything because he really didn’t seem that upset about it. However, my own work ethic would not allow me to not let my boss know about the mistake.
** I have really been bleeding heavy this weekend. It has been a big, well, bloody mess. It is been different from my last m/c in that I have had minimal cramping. My theory on that is that the uterus is a muscle that got really stretched out with Max and maybe that is why I didn’t cramp. Oddly, my sisters never had cramping prior to having kids, but both did after. I have always had cramping anytime I bleed from my very first period. Maybe mine will be better now. Anyway, when things got started they got started fast and furious and I lost a lot of blood and big clots all very quickly and I wasn’t in pain, just physically weak and very, very tired. Not sleep tired. Exhausted, need to lie horizontal tired. Tired enough that I almost fell asleep on the couch on Saturday afternoon while Max was playing and if I had a good friend right around the corner, I probably would have asked if they could watch Max for 30 – 60 minutes. I didn’t, but rallied.
*** Not that I actually answered the calls, just that the ringing woke me up. I guess most people don’t expect someone to be napping at that time of day. Hey, they might consider it if they got up so early. I didn’t answer the phone once today. I can’t remember the last time I checked messages. I probably should do that at some point. I just don’t really care who called or what they wanted. I feel less guilty not doing call backs if I don’t know exactly why I was called in the first place. Plus, in general, I often don’t answer the phone when it is “my” time with Max. I want to be giving him my attention and focus since it is limited most weeks. Especially, since clearly my focus and attention has caused a few errors in judgment, I realized I need to be extra cautious right now. I was thinking tonight as I was getting Max ready for bed and the phone rang yet again (and went unanswered yet again) and laughing that Max will probably grow up and not realize that you are actually supposed to answer the phone when it rings instead of just acknowledging the ringing phone. (“Our phone is ringing”; “Mamma’s cell phone is ringing”, etc.)
Friday, June 23, 2006
Grief is a solo sport
I have been thinking these last few days the grief is a solo sport. You can feel empathy for a person, but no one else can really feel another person’s grief. You can be supportive and show that you care, but you can’t take it away. If you try, you minimize it. I have had a few friends who are have had a loss (death of a beloved pet) and disappointment (ER didn’t yield good results and likely nothing to ET). Oddly, these people were the ones that I found it easiest to talk to this week.
I just haven’t been in the mood to “talk it out” this go round. I have many emails and phone calls to return from people who have reached out to me after I found out about the m/c and I just haven’t had it in me to follow up with them. I really tried to keep a low profile on things, but someone I still had about 15 – 20 people to follow up with.
Harding - Your comment the other day was the best and it has kept me grounded these last few days. She said (in response to lying to my mom) that sometimes it is hard enough to manage our own expectations without having to worry about someone else’s. I just don’t have it in me to manage anyone else’s expectations just now. I know my friends just want to support me, but I just needed to cave in for awhile. And, I am not yet ready to come out.
I actually made dinner tonight. Noodles with Beef Tips in Gravy with Green Beans. Since Max is now on solids, I am trying to be better about cooking and having variety. He ate while I was still finishing up work (Naomi was still here) and I decided to wait until after he went to sleep so I could relax and enjoy the meal. I knew that he would be going down early because he was up for the day at 3:45 am and went down for his morning nap at 6:50 am. He was up by 9 am and STILL boycotted his afternoon nap. Naomi tried to get him down. I tried to get him down. Didn’t work. I did manage to get him to play quietly in his crib for about 30 minutes, but no sleep. Even though I find it hard to believe, I guess he just doesn’t need it. He isn’t fussy or crying or anything in the afternoons/early evenings. But, he is ready for bed when the time comes. Anyway, I get my dinner and brought it to the computer to finish up a few things and saw a fellow dog owner coming up my driveway with my neighbors dog (the new puppy) on leash. So, I ran out there. The puppy got out and the fellow dog owner didn’t know where the puppy belonged and was coming to ask me because I am a well known dog walker in my neighborhood and DO know most of the time which dogs belong with which house. I ended up playing with the puppy and talking to my neighbor. She is due in November with another boy and I had to tell her about the m/c. She and her husband were the only neighbors I told. I finally get back in side to eat my dinner and Shadow must have thought it was for her and I just forgot to give it to her (yeah right). The plate was licked clean. I’m so glad I went to the effort to eat a nice balanced meal. Shadow ate great tonight and I settled for a bottle of chocolate milk
You know how I was just saying that it made me feel great that Max wanted me over Naomi and I was proud and gloating over that fact. I’m feeling bad over it now. Tonight when Naomi was leaving she commented that always before (when the mom isn’t home) when she leaves the babies always cry. She can barely get Max to wave bye-bye to her. I had noticed that she always made a deal about leaving and saying bye to him, but I really didn’t pay too much attention because I am always so happy to have “my” time with him. I could tell that it bothered her a bit. Don’t get me wrong. Max is happy to see her in the mornings. His face lights up and he crawls as fast as he can to get to her (if he is down and able), especially on Monday’s when he hasn’t seen her in a few days. But, when she leaves and it is “our” time, he doesn’t really pay any attention. Really, I do think it would bother me if he did cry when she left, but I am sad that she is upset by it.
I started bleeding and passing clots this morning and thought finally things are going to get moving. I was further encouraged when I started getting a bit crampy as I was on my way out to lunch with a friend for Mexican and ‘Rita’s. Now, it has slowed down again. This is a very weird m/c. Not like my other one at all. Found myself thinking again today maybe it meant that the beta was wrong again. I guess I am still in denial. I’ll be getting a follow up beta on Monday afternoon hopefully (forgot to call the clinic today and schedule it) since I have to be over that way anyway.
Anyway, I have been up a long time and need to leave the house very early so must go clean up and prep for tomorrow. I have a decently busy and distracting weekend with people that I don’t have to pretend with since they have BTDT (been there done that) – sadly and grieving in their own right for other things. While grief is a solo sport, sometimes it is nice to hang out with others in a similar situation who can relate without you having to talk about it.
It is hard to be in denial when people keep asking how you are doing and wanting to talk about it.
I just haven’t been in the mood to “talk it out” this go round. I have many emails and phone calls to return from people who have reached out to me after I found out about the m/c and I just haven’t had it in me to follow up with them. I really tried to keep a low profile on things, but someone I still had about 15 – 20 people to follow up with.
Harding - Your comment the other day was the best and it has kept me grounded these last few days. She said (in response to lying to my mom) that sometimes it is hard enough to manage our own expectations without having to worry about someone else’s. I just don’t have it in me to manage anyone else’s expectations just now. I know my friends just want to support me, but I just needed to cave in for awhile. And, I am not yet ready to come out.
I actually made dinner tonight. Noodles with Beef Tips in Gravy with Green Beans. Since Max is now on solids, I am trying to be better about cooking and having variety. He ate while I was still finishing up work (Naomi was still here) and I decided to wait until after he went to sleep so I could relax and enjoy the meal. I knew that he would be going down early because he was up for the day at 3:45 am and went down for his morning nap at 6:50 am. He was up by 9 am and STILL boycotted his afternoon nap. Naomi tried to get him down. I tried to get him down. Didn’t work. I did manage to get him to play quietly in his crib for about 30 minutes, but no sleep. Even though I find it hard to believe, I guess he just doesn’t need it. He isn’t fussy or crying or anything in the afternoons/early evenings. But, he is ready for bed when the time comes. Anyway, I get my dinner and brought it to the computer to finish up a few things and saw a fellow dog owner coming up my driveway with my neighbors dog (the new puppy) on leash. So, I ran out there. The puppy got out and the fellow dog owner didn’t know where the puppy belonged and was coming to ask me because I am a well known dog walker in my neighborhood and DO know most of the time which dogs belong with which house. I ended up playing with the puppy and talking to my neighbor. She is due in November with another boy and I had to tell her about the m/c. She and her husband were the only neighbors I told. I finally get back in side to eat my dinner and Shadow must have thought it was for her and I just forgot to give it to her (yeah right). The plate was licked clean. I’m so glad I went to the effort to eat a nice balanced meal. Shadow ate great tonight and I settled for a bottle of chocolate milk
You know how I was just saying that it made me feel great that Max wanted me over Naomi and I was proud and gloating over that fact. I’m feeling bad over it now. Tonight when Naomi was leaving she commented that always before (when the mom isn’t home) when she leaves the babies always cry. She can barely get Max to wave bye-bye to her. I had noticed that she always made a deal about leaving and saying bye to him, but I really didn’t pay too much attention because I am always so happy to have “my” time with him. I could tell that it bothered her a bit. Don’t get me wrong. Max is happy to see her in the mornings. His face lights up and he crawls as fast as he can to get to her (if he is down and able), especially on Monday’s when he hasn’t seen her in a few days. But, when she leaves and it is “our” time, he doesn’t really pay any attention. Really, I do think it would bother me if he did cry when she left, but I am sad that she is upset by it.
I started bleeding and passing clots this morning and thought finally things are going to get moving. I was further encouraged when I started getting a bit crampy as I was on my way out to lunch with a friend for Mexican and ‘Rita’s. Now, it has slowed down again. This is a very weird m/c. Not like my other one at all. Found myself thinking again today maybe it meant that the beta was wrong again. I guess I am still in denial. I’ll be getting a follow up beta on Monday afternoon hopefully (forgot to call the clinic today and schedule it) since I have to be over that way anyway.
Anyway, I have been up a long time and need to leave the house very early so must go clean up and prep for tomorrow. I have a decently busy and distracting weekend with people that I don’t have to pretend with since they have BTDT (been there done that) – sadly and grieving in their own right for other things. While grief is a solo sport, sometimes it is nice to hang out with others in a similar situation who can relate without you having to talk about it.
It is hard to be in denial when people keep asking how you are doing and wanting to talk about it.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Talk about denial
I actually had the thought today that since I haven’t started really bleeding yet and I have been off the progesterone for a few days, that MAYBE the beta was wrong and it wasn’t really dropping and this pregnancy could be viable. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
On a happier note, my kid is just great! He really is a smart kid for one so young and knows how to boost his mommies ego. Not once, but two or three times today, he either started crying for me or started crying when I handed him to the nanny because he wanted to stay with me. I always said that I would be fine if he wanted Naomi instead of me at some point because it would make be feel great about my decision to hire her and the job she is doing. But, I have to say, it REALLY felt great to have that extra love today after this week. My son loves me and wants comfort from me best.
Very tired. Again. Still. Cat woke me up from a solid sleep somewhere in the 4 am hour puking. I didn’t fall asleep until after midnight sometime. Never went back to sleep. Max was up at 5:10 am for good and only took a short morning nap so he was down early. I really need to get to sleep early tonight so my early morning wake up call isn’t quite so painful.
Maybe tomorrow, I will really start bleeding and purge this pregnancy from my body so I can move on. I’m going to be really upset if I miss the July cycle because my beta didn’t drop fast enough. But, I am making back up plans because the way my luck tends to run on the ttc stuff, that is exactly what will happen.
On a happier note, my kid is just great! He really is a smart kid for one so young and knows how to boost his mommies ego. Not once, but two or three times today, he either started crying for me or started crying when I handed him to the nanny because he wanted to stay with me. I always said that I would be fine if he wanted Naomi instead of me at some point because it would make be feel great about my decision to hire her and the job she is doing. But, I have to say, it REALLY felt great to have that extra love today after this week. My son loves me and wants comfort from me best.
Very tired. Again. Still. Cat woke me up from a solid sleep somewhere in the 4 am hour puking. I didn’t fall asleep until after midnight sometime. Never went back to sleep. Max was up at 5:10 am for good and only took a short morning nap so he was down early. I really need to get to sleep early tonight so my early morning wake up call isn’t quite so painful.
Maybe tomorrow, I will really start bleeding and purge this pregnancy from my body so I can move on. I’m going to be really upset if I miss the July cycle because my beta didn’t drop fast enough. But, I am making back up plans because the way my luck tends to run on the ttc stuff, that is exactly what will happen.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The “score” and Why?
One of the things I have been thinking today is the “score”.
Pregnancies = 3
Miscarriages = 2
Children = 1
I don’t like that score. Yes, it could be worse. It could be a lot better.
I think I have mentioned before that I have had my palms read 3 times in my life for various reasons, mostly when I was on vacation, and I never paid for it to be done. The reader just picked up my palm and read it. In each reading, I was told I would have 3 children.
I have often wondered if my miscarriage “counted”. If the one counted, then this one must two. That means my family would be done. I just can’t accept that fact. I can’t.
And, it really isn’t even a fact. I don’t even know if I believe in it. Yet, here I am worried about it.
Under other irrational and illogical fears…some people believe that the “soul” picks the mother based on what lessons they still need to learn or issues that need to be resolved in past lives. Again, this is not something I am sure I believe in. Yet, I don’t completely discount it because when they talk about “old souls”, people that have lived many lives, I feel such an identity to that label. If it is true, I believe that I am an old soul. So, one of the things I was worrying about while not sleeping last night is if this belief system is true, what happens in the case of a miscarriage. Do the souls meet you when you conceive and decide, holy CRAP, I made a mistake, I can’t be born into that family. Are they SOL for picking me and never getting to be born and learn the lessons they thought they might? Do they just get put back in the pool and have to pick someone else? Logistically, how would that work? What happens if you have more than one soul that wants a particular mommy? Which one wins? The first soul in? I did say that it was irrational and illogical.
I feel like not only have I lost a child, but also part of a dream. I always wanted to have a child born around the same time I was. I really don’t know why that has been so important to me. I started my ttc journey, both round 1 and round 2 with the timing and planning around being due at the end of January/early February. I know that it was a sad attempt to control a process in which there is no control. With this loss, it will not happen. Or, rather the only way it would happen is IF I miscarry in time to do the July cycle and IF I have any kind of response and IF I get pregnant from that cycle, then I would have to delivery very prematurely for that to occur. I do not want it to occur that way. When I found out that the due date would be either my birthday exactly or the day after based on either LMP or IUI, I thought. This is a “sign” that despite my worries and fears about a miscarriage it could work out. Or, is it a sign that I should stop trying to control the situation and just let it be “because things will work out the way they should and you will get the child you are meant to get”.
Speaking of signs, when I was ttc on round 1, I saw deer on every single cycle I conceived. On the cycle I miscarried, when I saw the deer it was being cornered by two coyotes. Deer sightings are very rare around here which is why I remember them. I haven’t seen a deer since before I conceived Max. What does that mean? Anything? Does it mean that I have not been asking God for enough guidance and trying to follow my own plan instead of his? Each previous sighting occurred right as I was asking God for a sign that I was on the right path or making the right decision or moving in the right direction. While I have gone to Church more and baptized Max and talked about God and religion more than ever in the past, I haven’t “talked” to God recently. I haven’t even asked the question of whether I am on the right path or moving in the right direction.
When I had the first miscarriage, I was just completely devastated. It rocked my world and probably has had the biggest impact on my life than any single event including the birth of Max. I still have many scars from that wound and think I always will. I remember just lying on my bed crying and bawling my eyes out thinking that I didn’t have a husband, I killed my child, I was overweight, and any and every other insecurity and deep seeded fear and thinking what is the common denominator – ME. ME, ME, ME. That I didn’t have any of those things because I was not worthy enough and I was not good enough. That was the lowest point in my life. I am not really an insecure person or at least I have never thought of myself in that light, but I was so there at the time. I have done a lot of personal work and growth since then. I’m not going there this time. I have the most beautiful, most amazing boy, most intelligent boy for me. I could not have asked for a more perfect match. If I have done nothing else right in my entire life, I know that being his momma is the most right thing I have done.
I know I can survive this loss as I have survived one before. It is hard and sad, but I know I will deal with it and survive. When Max was first born, I was so worried that he would die and that it was all a cosmic joke, because the lesson I have learned only too well on the ttc path is that things often can and do go wrong. I was so worried about SIDS and suffocation. As he has grown, I have become less worried, but still find myself just thrilled each morning when he is still alive and a part of my life. I know that life can be short and unpredictable and I want us to enjoy and have the best time together for as long as we have. I still have passing fear. When Max hits each month milestone, I think he made it 10 months without dying of SIDS, only 2 more to go until he is a year. He was playing by emptying everything out of the bottom of his stroller yesterday which included several plastic bags for use for poo poo duty when walking Shadow or for Naomi to have at the park with her. I walked into the room and he was playing with the bags, I didn’t panic, but did think OMG and tell him that he couldn’t play with those because he could suffocate and took them away. Naomi took the hint and we have both made sure that he doesn’t have access, at least readily. However, the fear of loosing him is still deep within my psyche. I know I can survive this loss. I am not really sure I could survive loosing Max. Loosing him, I would be loosing the single most precious person to ever come into my life. And yet, I am afraid to say that and feel that way. I am afraid to tempt the fates or gods or God and have it be put to the test for once again trying to control things instead of just living the life I was meant to live.
And, I remind myself that this is fear based illogical thinking. But, my feelings are real to me. My fear is my fear. My demons are my demons.
I got a new worry today when someone told me about a study that showed having a first born son could affect your immunity system and increased your chance of miscarriage. I have only read the article, not the actual study itself and I have not yet asked Dr. N his thoughts, but it never occurred to me that my immunity system could change. I thought that we had worked out all of the ‘me’ problems. I have taken and gotten normal results on the immunity testing. We have fixed all of the environmental problems (poly/fibroids). We have identified and treat my hormonal issues (progesterone). We closely monitor the progesterone problem and supplement. We rechecked for polyps and/or fibroids before restarting round 2. It just never occurred to me that I could now have an immunity problem when I didn’t in the past. I’m not sure how big of a concern this is yet, but clearly it needs more research and some follow up.
I have been thinking all of these crazy things and more when I am not specifically focused on other things and the distractions of life. I have been thinking these things and more when I have a few moments to think while driving or walking or trying to sleep.
Mostly, I think it was just a bad egg. It was good enough to fertilize and implant, but not good enough to become a child. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. We are working with laws of nature not laws of God. My mind knows this, but does my heart believe it?
Pregnancies = 3
Miscarriages = 2
Children = 1
I don’t like that score. Yes, it could be worse. It could be a lot better.
I think I have mentioned before that I have had my palms read 3 times in my life for various reasons, mostly when I was on vacation, and I never paid for it to be done. The reader just picked up my palm and read it. In each reading, I was told I would have 3 children.
I have often wondered if my miscarriage “counted”. If the one counted, then this one must two. That means my family would be done. I just can’t accept that fact. I can’t.
And, it really isn’t even a fact. I don’t even know if I believe in it. Yet, here I am worried about it.
Under other irrational and illogical fears…some people believe that the “soul” picks the mother based on what lessons they still need to learn or issues that need to be resolved in past lives. Again, this is not something I am sure I believe in. Yet, I don’t completely discount it because when they talk about “old souls”, people that have lived many lives, I feel such an identity to that label. If it is true, I believe that I am an old soul. So, one of the things I was worrying about while not sleeping last night is if this belief system is true, what happens in the case of a miscarriage. Do the souls meet you when you conceive and decide, holy CRAP, I made a mistake, I can’t be born into that family. Are they SOL for picking me and never getting to be born and learn the lessons they thought they might? Do they just get put back in the pool and have to pick someone else? Logistically, how would that work? What happens if you have more than one soul that wants a particular mommy? Which one wins? The first soul in? I did say that it was irrational and illogical.
I feel like not only have I lost a child, but also part of a dream. I always wanted to have a child born around the same time I was. I really don’t know why that has been so important to me. I started my ttc journey, both round 1 and round 2 with the timing and planning around being due at the end of January/early February. I know that it was a sad attempt to control a process in which there is no control. With this loss, it will not happen. Or, rather the only way it would happen is IF I miscarry in time to do the July cycle and IF I have any kind of response and IF I get pregnant from that cycle, then I would have to delivery very prematurely for that to occur. I do not want it to occur that way. When I found out that the due date would be either my birthday exactly or the day after based on either LMP or IUI, I thought. This is a “sign” that despite my worries and fears about a miscarriage it could work out. Or, is it a sign that I should stop trying to control the situation and just let it be “because things will work out the way they should and you will get the child you are meant to get”.
Speaking of signs, when I was ttc on round 1, I saw deer on every single cycle I conceived. On the cycle I miscarried, when I saw the deer it was being cornered by two coyotes. Deer sightings are very rare around here which is why I remember them. I haven’t seen a deer since before I conceived Max. What does that mean? Anything? Does it mean that I have not been asking God for enough guidance and trying to follow my own plan instead of his? Each previous sighting occurred right as I was asking God for a sign that I was on the right path or making the right decision or moving in the right direction. While I have gone to Church more and baptized Max and talked about God and religion more than ever in the past, I haven’t “talked” to God recently. I haven’t even asked the question of whether I am on the right path or moving in the right direction.
When I had the first miscarriage, I was just completely devastated. It rocked my world and probably has had the biggest impact on my life than any single event including the birth of Max. I still have many scars from that wound and think I always will. I remember just lying on my bed crying and bawling my eyes out thinking that I didn’t have a husband, I killed my child, I was overweight, and any and every other insecurity and deep seeded fear and thinking what is the common denominator – ME. ME, ME, ME. That I didn’t have any of those things because I was not worthy enough and I was not good enough. That was the lowest point in my life. I am not really an insecure person or at least I have never thought of myself in that light, but I was so there at the time. I have done a lot of personal work and growth since then. I’m not going there this time. I have the most beautiful, most amazing boy, most intelligent boy for me. I could not have asked for a more perfect match. If I have done nothing else right in my entire life, I know that being his momma is the most right thing I have done.
I know I can survive this loss as I have survived one before. It is hard and sad, but I know I will deal with it and survive. When Max was first born, I was so worried that he would die and that it was all a cosmic joke, because the lesson I have learned only too well on the ttc path is that things often can and do go wrong. I was so worried about SIDS and suffocation. As he has grown, I have become less worried, but still find myself just thrilled each morning when he is still alive and a part of my life. I know that life can be short and unpredictable and I want us to enjoy and have the best time together for as long as we have. I still have passing fear. When Max hits each month milestone, I think he made it 10 months without dying of SIDS, only 2 more to go until he is a year. He was playing by emptying everything out of the bottom of his stroller yesterday which included several plastic bags for use for poo poo duty when walking Shadow or for Naomi to have at the park with her. I walked into the room and he was playing with the bags, I didn’t panic, but did think OMG and tell him that he couldn’t play with those because he could suffocate and took them away. Naomi took the hint and we have both made sure that he doesn’t have access, at least readily. However, the fear of loosing him is still deep within my psyche. I know I can survive this loss. I am not really sure I could survive loosing Max. Loosing him, I would be loosing the single most precious person to ever come into my life. And yet, I am afraid to say that and feel that way. I am afraid to tempt the fates or gods or God and have it be put to the test for once again trying to control things instead of just living the life I was meant to live.
And, I remind myself that this is fear based illogical thinking. But, my feelings are real to me. My fear is my fear. My demons are my demons.
I got a new worry today when someone told me about a study that showed having a first born son could affect your immunity system and increased your chance of miscarriage. I have only read the article, not the actual study itself and I have not yet asked Dr. N his thoughts, but it never occurred to me that my immunity system could change. I thought that we had worked out all of the ‘me’ problems. I have taken and gotten normal results on the immunity testing. We have fixed all of the environmental problems (poly/fibroids). We have identified and treat my hormonal issues (progesterone). We closely monitor the progesterone problem and supplement. We rechecked for polyps and/or fibroids before restarting round 2. It just never occurred to me that I could now have an immunity problem when I didn’t in the past. I’m not sure how big of a concern this is yet, but clearly it needs more research and some follow up.
I have been thinking all of these crazy things and more when I am not specifically focused on other things and the distractions of life. I have been thinking these things and more when I have a few moments to think while driving or walking or trying to sleep.
Mostly, I think it was just a bad egg. It was good enough to fertilize and implant, but not good enough to become a child. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. We are working with laws of nature not laws of God. My mind knows this, but does my heart believe it?
The irony
I’ve been thinking a lot about irony today. Specifically, how I have not been bleeding or cramping today. I would have been thrilled with this had I NOT gone into the RE’s office yesterday and gotten the official word that the pregnancy will not be a successful one. Today, I just want it to happen and be over with. I know that this is the calm before the storm. I feel the storm building in my uterus. Typically, I do not bleed heavy in the evenings or at night. I expect to wake up with things in full force.
Have you ever wondered what the “products of conception” look like? I do. There was a “particle” in the bottom of my toilet today. I seriously wondered if that could have been “it”. It looked like what I think a “product of conception” would look like, but what do I know. I have never seen one that I know about, especially at this stage of the game. I thought about fishing it out and examining it. I decided I couldn’t go there.
I’ve been thinking a lot today about how I am sad and down, but not as devastated as I was with my first miscarriage. I think it is because while on my first pregnancy, I knew that a miscarriage was possible, I didn’t really believe it was something that could/would happen to me. Now, I know better. I have become scared by this process. It has taken its toll. I also think, it is because I have Max in my life. God, I love that kid and have such a good time with him. I think it is because I have grieved so much this year for Lucky and loosing her. This doesn’t feel as bad by comparison right now.
My RE has told me many times over the last year or too that I am too negative. I should be more positive. For example, when we were talking about me getting a 7 dpo progesterone test with this cycle, he was reminding me that they wanted to see over 15 on a medicated cycle. I told him that it wasn’t going to be over 15, but I would be happy with over 10 which is what is needed to maintain a pregnancy. My progesterone ended up being 11.3. I was happy with that. Was I negative or a realist?
When I found out I was pregnant last week, I really felt like it was too good to be true. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop or for something bad to happen. I realize that I have become so scarred by this process that I really didn’t expect the pregnancy to work. Yes, I hoped. Yes, I prayed. Yes, I really wanted it more than I could say. The more I spotted, the more I cramped, the more I knew I was probably right, no matter how much I wanted to be wrong. As I was often reminded, yes, I did spot and cramp with Max. And, as I remembered, it was on a cyclical bases to correspond to when I would have gotten my period. And, yes, that did turn out great.
I’ve been up since 3:31 am. Max woke up and sucked down a bottle and was back asleep in his crib by 3:38. I was never able to go back to sleep.
I have been able to keep the grief and worries and doubts and questions and losses at bay during the day. I have had enough distractions. The nights have been hard and I think they will be for awhile.
I’m going to go lie down and try to sleep because I know I need to. I need to for me and my health and I need to so I can be the best momma to Max I can be. But, I’m afraid. I’m afraid because then I will have to face that with which I have suppressed during the day. I know that I need to do this at some point – deal with the loss and my feelings around it. But, I just don’t know that I have it in me right now. I just want to pretend that all is well. It was somewhat easy today. Lots of distractions. Little physical reminders (like blood and cramping). I just need to be in denial for a little longer.
My mind understands that the pregnancy is not viable. My heart has not yet accepted that fact yet. My body has not yet “lost” the pregnancy.
I just feel sad and numb and just so very, very tired. Not sleepy tired. Weary tired.
Have you ever wondered what the “products of conception” look like? I do. There was a “particle” in the bottom of my toilet today. I seriously wondered if that could have been “it”. It looked like what I think a “product of conception” would look like, but what do I know. I have never seen one that I know about, especially at this stage of the game. I thought about fishing it out and examining it. I decided I couldn’t go there.
I’ve been thinking a lot today about how I am sad and down, but not as devastated as I was with my first miscarriage. I think it is because while on my first pregnancy, I knew that a miscarriage was possible, I didn’t really believe it was something that could/would happen to me. Now, I know better. I have become scared by this process. It has taken its toll. I also think, it is because I have Max in my life. God, I love that kid and have such a good time with him. I think it is because I have grieved so much this year for Lucky and loosing her. This doesn’t feel as bad by comparison right now.
My RE has told me many times over the last year or too that I am too negative. I should be more positive. For example, when we were talking about me getting a 7 dpo progesterone test with this cycle, he was reminding me that they wanted to see over 15 on a medicated cycle. I told him that it wasn’t going to be over 15, but I would be happy with over 10 which is what is needed to maintain a pregnancy. My progesterone ended up being 11.3. I was happy with that. Was I negative or a realist?
When I found out I was pregnant last week, I really felt like it was too good to be true. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop or for something bad to happen. I realize that I have become so scarred by this process that I really didn’t expect the pregnancy to work. Yes, I hoped. Yes, I prayed. Yes, I really wanted it more than I could say. The more I spotted, the more I cramped, the more I knew I was probably right, no matter how much I wanted to be wrong. As I was often reminded, yes, I did spot and cramp with Max. And, as I remembered, it was on a cyclical bases to correspond to when I would have gotten my period. And, yes, that did turn out great.
I’ve been up since 3:31 am. Max woke up and sucked down a bottle and was back asleep in his crib by 3:38. I was never able to go back to sleep.
I have been able to keep the grief and worries and doubts and questions and losses at bay during the day. I have had enough distractions. The nights have been hard and I think they will be for awhile.
I’m going to go lie down and try to sleep because I know I need to. I need to for me and my health and I need to so I can be the best momma to Max I can be. But, I’m afraid. I’m afraid because then I will have to face that with which I have suppressed during the day. I know that I need to do this at some point – deal with the loss and my feelings around it. But, I just don’t know that I have it in me right now. I just want to pretend that all is well. It was somewhat easy today. Lots of distractions. Little physical reminders (like blood and cramping). I just need to be in denial for a little longer.
My mind understands that the pregnancy is not viable. My heart has not yet accepted that fact yet. My body has not yet “lost” the pregnancy.
I just feel sad and numb and just so very, very tired. Not sleepy tired. Weary tired.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Not Viable
Even though I knew that I was miscarrying in my heart, I was hoping I was wrong and I am still very sad to have it confirmed. Beta = 406. It should have been at least around 1000. So, I’m stopping the mega doses of progesterone and will retest next week to confirm my beta has dropped to zero which is very likely since it is already so low. As long as it is zero by July 1st, I will be able to do am IVF cycle in July. Otherwise, the next IVF is in September and I will likely do an IUI or two in the meantime. While it isn’t as devastating the second time around and with a gorgeous child at home, it still stings. And, of course, the insult added to the injury is the bleeding and cramping and general sick feeling to go with the dashed hope. I think I am going to “cave in” for a bit.
Going in to check things out
My RE is letting me go in this afternoon for an u/s and another blood HCG. I started bleeding yesterday enough for a pad. I’m currently really crampy and bleeding a lot with dark stringy clots. I won’t SAY that I am miscarrying, because I have cried that often enough when it hasn’t been true. I will say that I won’t be surprised. I just don’t see how you can bleed this much or spot this long without it being something bad. I’m feeling tired and sad, but mostly numb.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
1 in 5; 20%
I was re-reading the m/c portions of my pregnancy books last night. Yes, some nice light reading. I had forgotten that 1 in 5 women/ 20% of all women bleed in pregnancy with out having a miscarriage. For some reason, that is a higher stat than I remember and I found it strangely comforting. Been doing fine this weekend. Been very busy. Max is basically on one nap a day these days. He was so tired after swimming and playing outside and being generally on the go most of the day that he was crashed out by 6:30 both last night and tonight. Of course, this meant he was up at 4:30 am this morning. Yeah me! – NOT. I did nap when he napped this morning, but am still tired from being on the go and in the sun myself. Anyway, just thought I would do a quick post to say that I am still spotting, but not nearly as bad as last week. Had a bit of cramping start a few hours ago, but drugged up on Tylenol. What I can’t feel doesn’t stress me out. Basically, I am currently taking everything in stride. While not confident that the pregnancy will last, I am not freaked out at the moment. Taking Friday afternoon off and seeing my acupuncturist was the best decision I have made in awhile. It got me relaxed and in a much better place. I am also listening to the hypno birth CD from my doula before bed. I always found that so relaxing and am asleep before it completes. I can’t believe the weekend is over and another work week is about to start. Ugh. As tiring as it is, I much rather hang out and play with and read to and teach my little Max all day. That kid is something else. He has started to climb. No, he can’t walk yet, but he has managed to climb up the footrest into the stroller which was secure from being tipped over because I had the handle wedged between the French/lever door handle. He got into the pantry this morning and removed everything from the first shelf in short order and then started to climb up to the second shelf. I was torn between grabbing the camera or ensuring safety. Safety one. I am finding being a mommy, much more fulfilling and rewarding that the job that pays me money these days. I keep reminding myself that I spotted/bleed with Max and that I have a good chance of being the 1 of being in the 20%. I hope so. I can’t change the situation. The pregnancy is either viable or it isn’t. I can’t change that. I can only change how I react to it. I am going to try be calm and take things in stride. I’ve done fairly well at that this weekend with Max to keep me on my toes.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Beta #3 = 198
I started to post early this morning and the day got away from me. I woke up convinced that the pregnancy wasn’t viable and even after I got the results from my RE and he said all was fine and progressing like a healthy pregnancy I was worried and anxious and churning and unable to focus or concentrate. I did a bit of work (a very little bit, like the barest necessary for today) and mostly talked, vented, and emailed friends. I also called my acupuncturist and she fit me in. She herself is a very calming influence and I think that and the treatment helped. She changed my frame of reference and asked me to put it in perspective of Max and how I would want to be calm and nurturing for him. She also reminded me there would always be the next thing to worry about the next beta, the next u/s, any genetic testing, the birth, etc. I know this is true from having Max. I guess it was the grounding I needed today and that after loss of sleep last week from Max being sick I had gotten so wound up that the last few nights I have been up for most of the night, not because of Max, but because I was too keyed up to sleep. This was one of the things that had convinced me this morning that I was no longer pregnant because I was sleeping so crappy that it was a “sign” since I typically am very tired and sleep great on progesterone/when pregnant. She felt that I had too much adrenalin and was too keyed up that she thought my body was overriding those factors. She said that I had a good strong pregnancy pulse, needed to drink more water, and maybe add some magnesium supplements. Of course, the thing that probably helped the most was that I am no longer bleeding bright blood red. I saw a few clots and particles in the bottom of the toilet a few too many times today, but the bleeding seems to have stopped for now.
I know that the stage was set over Memorial Day weekend when the sperm and the egg fertilized and then implanted. It will either be strong enough to make it at this point or it won’t and worry and anxiety will not change the outcome.
A good friend who also recently lost a beloved dog as well as a minor comment by my acu when I saw her on Monday helped me to realize that it wasn’t only about the pregnancy, but also about loosing Lucky and the changes that brought in my life with Shadow no longer willing and able to hike. I started the morning hikes 8+ years ago, but they became as much, if not more, for me as well as the dogs. Walking Shadow around the park or neighborhood is just not giving me the physical outlet I need. I realized this week that even though I have not been on a hike in months, I was still putting on my hiking socks and boots every morning. I tried this week to not put them on and to wear tennis shoes or sandals instead. I just couldn’t do it. I have been in such conflict because I can’t leave Shadow behind. She will decline even faster than she is, yet I need more and I am just too tired at night and it is just too hot in the evenings. I need to figure something out instead of thinking the new normal was working. Maybe I will walk Shadow around the block first a few mornings a week and then take Max and I on a real hike. I need to see the nature and the have that release and mindless thought time. Lucky would never have stood for such a routine, but truly I don’t think Shadow will care. Yes, she still wants to get her walks in, but she doesn’t care if it is short and the same ole boring route day after day walk after walk. I always thought I was doing the different trails “for the dogs” so they had fresh scents and fresh trails, but I see now that it was just as much, if not more for me.
I told my hiking boot story to a friend that lost her dog and she helped me realize that things have been building and building for awhile. She and I have actually been hiking a few times together (although she lives in N. California) and she helped me to realize that in my search for the new normal and trying to take care of everyone else, I haven’t been taking care of “me” and have been suppressing “my” need for more exercise and my morning hikes.
I accept that Lucky is gone and my life has changed and continues to change without her. But days like today and weeks like this week, I really, really still miss her something fierce. She was my love bug who would know I was upset and either give me comfort or do something outrageous or funny to snap me out of it.
I am usually a pretty calm easy going individual that takes things in stride and I really lost it today. I got myself worked up into such a state I didn’t know how to get out of it by myself. My acu gave me an assignment of sorts when talking with her to focus on until I saw her and that was to stop thinking about what could or could not happen that I had no control over and to think about the things I have in life to be fortunate about. At the top of that list is a great support system of friends who care and listened to me complain and bitch and whine all morning, a compassionate RE who doesn’t minimize or dismiss my concerns although one would think he HAD to get tired of it at a certain point, and a great acupuncturist who fit me in this afternoon into her already packed schedule because she knew I really needed it.
So, while the bleeding has stopped for now, I am sure it will be back at some point and some time. When it does, I am going to try to keep it into perspective and remember that I bled and cramped with Max and that turned out great. This must just be “the way it is” for me. It will be really, really hard. But, if I can resolve my hiking/outlet issue, maybe it will be easier.
It has been a very difficult and emotional day and a very emotional and roller coaster of a week. Can you believe it has been only one week since I found out I was pregnant again? The joy of that and the concern about the low betas and the spotting/bleeding has done me in. I am currently emotionally spent. I hope enough to get some decent sleep so that I can keep things better in perspective. Yes, the beta numbers are lower than I would like but as my acu pointed out and she knows my RE, Dr. N thinks they are fine and “More than rising appropriately. Obviously, the best sign would be a heart beat on ultrasound, but everything so far indicates to me that this is a normal, healthy pregnancy” I guess I am just going to have to take it day by day and get my nerves of steel back in place for my next 2ww until the heartbeat ultrasound.
Beta History
Cycle 2 – Result = M/C
Beta 1= 52.16 (16 dpo); Beta 2 = 110.54 (18 dpo); Beta 3 = 155.23 * (22 dpo); Beta 4 = 61.43 (23 dpo); Beta 5 = 12.70 (26 dpo)
* only done because I started spotting and cramping over the weekend indicating a likely m/c
Cycle 4 – Result = Max
Beta 1 = 73 (13 dpo); Beta 2 = 196 (15 dpo)
Cycle 6 – Result = TBD
Beta 1 = 29.05 (13 dpo); Beta 2 = 77.80 (16 dpo); Beta 3 = 198 (19 dpo)
I know that the stage was set over Memorial Day weekend when the sperm and the egg fertilized and then implanted. It will either be strong enough to make it at this point or it won’t and worry and anxiety will not change the outcome.
A good friend who also recently lost a beloved dog as well as a minor comment by my acu when I saw her on Monday helped me to realize that it wasn’t only about the pregnancy, but also about loosing Lucky and the changes that brought in my life with Shadow no longer willing and able to hike. I started the morning hikes 8+ years ago, but they became as much, if not more, for me as well as the dogs. Walking Shadow around the park or neighborhood is just not giving me the physical outlet I need. I realized this week that even though I have not been on a hike in months, I was still putting on my hiking socks and boots every morning. I tried this week to not put them on and to wear tennis shoes or sandals instead. I just couldn’t do it. I have been in such conflict because I can’t leave Shadow behind. She will decline even faster than she is, yet I need more and I am just too tired at night and it is just too hot in the evenings. I need to figure something out instead of thinking the new normal was working. Maybe I will walk Shadow around the block first a few mornings a week and then take Max and I on a real hike. I need to see the nature and the have that release and mindless thought time. Lucky would never have stood for such a routine, but truly I don’t think Shadow will care. Yes, she still wants to get her walks in, but she doesn’t care if it is short and the same ole boring route day after day walk after walk. I always thought I was doing the different trails “for the dogs” so they had fresh scents and fresh trails, but I see now that it was just as much, if not more for me.
I told my hiking boot story to a friend that lost her dog and she helped me realize that things have been building and building for awhile. She and I have actually been hiking a few times together (although she lives in N. California) and she helped me to realize that in my search for the new normal and trying to take care of everyone else, I haven’t been taking care of “me” and have been suppressing “my” need for more exercise and my morning hikes.
I accept that Lucky is gone and my life has changed and continues to change without her. But days like today and weeks like this week, I really, really still miss her something fierce. She was my love bug who would know I was upset and either give me comfort or do something outrageous or funny to snap me out of it.
I am usually a pretty calm easy going individual that takes things in stride and I really lost it today. I got myself worked up into such a state I didn’t know how to get out of it by myself. My acu gave me an assignment of sorts when talking with her to focus on until I saw her and that was to stop thinking about what could or could not happen that I had no control over and to think about the things I have in life to be fortunate about. At the top of that list is a great support system of friends who care and listened to me complain and bitch and whine all morning, a compassionate RE who doesn’t minimize or dismiss my concerns although one would think he HAD to get tired of it at a certain point, and a great acupuncturist who fit me in this afternoon into her already packed schedule because she knew I really needed it.
So, while the bleeding has stopped for now, I am sure it will be back at some point and some time. When it does, I am going to try to keep it into perspective and remember that I bled and cramped with Max and that turned out great. This must just be “the way it is” for me. It will be really, really hard. But, if I can resolve my hiking/outlet issue, maybe it will be easier.
It has been a very difficult and emotional day and a very emotional and roller coaster of a week. Can you believe it has been only one week since I found out I was pregnant again? The joy of that and the concern about the low betas and the spotting/bleeding has done me in. I am currently emotionally spent. I hope enough to get some decent sleep so that I can keep things better in perspective. Yes, the beta numbers are lower than I would like but as my acu pointed out and she knows my RE, Dr. N thinks they are fine and “More than rising appropriately. Obviously, the best sign would be a heart beat on ultrasound, but everything so far indicates to me that this is a normal, healthy pregnancy” I guess I am just going to have to take it day by day and get my nerves of steel back in place for my next 2ww until the heartbeat ultrasound.
Beta History
Cycle 2 – Result = M/C
Beta 1= 52.16 (16 dpo); Beta 2 = 110.54 (18 dpo); Beta 3 = 155.23 * (22 dpo); Beta 4 = 61.43 (23 dpo); Beta 5 = 12.70 (26 dpo)
* only done because I started spotting and cramping over the weekend indicating a likely m/c
Cycle 4 – Result = Max
Beta 1 = 73 (13 dpo); Beta 2 = 196 (15 dpo)
Cycle 6 – Result = TBD
Beta 1 = 29.05 (13 dpo); Beta 2 = 77.80 (16 dpo); Beta 3 = 198 (19 dpo)
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