Just as well

Several of my good friends are out for dinner tonight. It's been on the books for awhile and I was sure hoping I would be feeling good enough to go, but made a final decision to not go this afternoon because even though I wasn't even spotting I have been feeling quite crampy all day/afternoon and this was with spending most of the day in bed. Since I just had a major barf fest such that my bathroom sink is clogged with it (can't face cleaning it up just yet) and I started spotting again, it's just as well that I decided to stay home tonight. Sigh.

No so bad

After that initial blood trail, the bleeding wasn't really bad last night. More like heavy spotting. Then, since 5, really just light spotting that isn't even making it to a pad. I hope that trend continues for the day. Very tired. Very broken sleep again, but I think we are at the tail end of this poor sleep cycle since Max napped yesterday, then sleep in until 6:30 am. I did almost throttle the cat though when he started meowing for me to let him out at 5:30 am when he can and does use the doggy door. Anyway, I'm going to see how the morning goes, but may not even try to go see the OB. However, I do plan on calling the SR doc and get her opinion on that.

No making me happy

Sometimes, I think, there is no making me happy. I actually felt almost like a normal human being today. A tired one, yes. But, normal. And, Max hasn't been sleeping well waking up several times during the night and getting up extremely early...that dreaded 4 am hour. I had a passing thought that maybe all the babies are dead, then reminded myself how unlikely that was and that finally it was just being on the downward hormone swing anyway, then with two.

Max woke me up out of a sound sleep about an hour ago to tell me that he "didn't want Big Jet" (who does pretty mean things in a few Little Einstein episodes". I told him that's great because Big Jet isn't here and Big Jet is just pretend anyway. Then, he told me he needed a fresh diaper. Refused to have PJ bottoms put back on, and back to bed he went.

I went back to bed, trying to get back to sleep. I just got up to go to the bathroom that is probably less than 20 steps from my bed. And, damn it, I'm bleeding again. In those few steps it had dripped down my legs and there was a path on the floor from the bed to the toilet. Thank goodness for wood and tile floors, eh? No warning. Just like that. Now, I'm feeling crampy. I hate this. I was told it wasn't uncommon to have some bleeding after a SR procedure, but to let them know and only get really concerned if I was filling a pad in 60 or maybe it was 30 minutes. Sigh. Have I mentioned how much I hate this? Probably, hopefully, everything is just fine and I won't loose the entire pregnancy. In the mean time, I'll try not to worry since there isn't a darn thing I can do anyway. I'll call OB tomorrow and see if I can get in again and SR doc (who I was really impressed with as she called early this evening to see how I was doing and I told her well with no cramping, bleeding, and was starting to feel better...damn, I probably jinxed myself by saying those words).

I guess things are just not going to be easier here for this pregnancy ever. I just finally start feeling better and now have to deal with this repeat bleeding episode. I really, really hate this.

ETA: See? I knew it was too good to be true that I actually desired food and was able to eat dinner last night something that literally hasn't happened in months. God? Universe? Really, I never have to eat dinner again if it means keeping and delivering two healthy babes late this summer. Honest! In related funny Max news, all night he kept wanting to "talk to the restaurant (yes, dinner was take out/pick up) and ordered "cheese, salad, one of these, okay thanks!" with the phone in one hand and the menu in another.

Out of the mouth of babes

Do you think it is a bad thing that Max asked me if I was tired and then told me I should go lay down and take a nap?

Or, yesterday, when I told him he was cute, he got a big smile on his face and said "I'm smart"?

Or, when I told him I really liked his singing he told me to clap?

Or, when I asked him a few days ago if he wanted a diaper and he told me "I want to be a bare bottomed boy"?

He's got a memory on him that one. And, hearing your words come back to you in the same tone is something else (funny, and good, and humorous sometimes and annoying and telling and scary at others). The latest is when you ask him if he wants something and he does, he will say "ohhh, yes!" in precisely the way that he has heard me (not that I realized that until I heard it parroted back)

The deed is done

Well, the deed is done. It was actually done this morning. Although the SR doc doesn't require strict bed rest, I decided to have a lie in this afternoon/evening anyway. Max hasn't been sleeping well. I haven't been sleeping well. Lots of wakings, then hard to get back to sleep. So, I came home and took a short nap, then started reading a book.

I was completely fine to go/be there by myself. It hurt some, but a lot, lot less than the CVS. I'm just glad that God forgives sinners with probably the worst sin being that, at least at the moment, I don't feel any remorse. I feel relieved. I feel a certain peace. I feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe I'll start feeling better. The strain of carrying three was really getting to me in so many ways. I'm supposed to start antibiotics tonight just in case. The same antibiotics I was suppose to take and couldn't keep down last week. I'll do that tomorrow.

A gem of the day was finding out that hormones peak at 10 weeks and so that I should be on the downhill slide anyway, but that it will improve more and faster likely with only two.

Another gem was finding out that the fact that I rarely can keep prenatal's down would not have affected the babies. That they get what they need, just deplete me and my reserves. I can feel that.

I am now carrying b/g twins and I'm fine with that. When the procedure was over, I thanked her for her kindness and her compassion and for being willing do perform such difficult procedures. My entire life I have strongly supported a woman's right to choose, even if I didn't think it was ever a choice I could make, because you never know what a persons situation may be at the time they make that decision. I have supported planned parenthood and candidates that support pro choice because it is an issue that always has and likely always will be important to me. I never felt more thankful that the "right to choose" was available to me today.

I feel like I should feel guilty or bad or emotionally wrought or something. I don't. At least for now. I still feel like it was the best decision for me and my family, maybe even more so after talking with the SR doc about odds and percentages in general and in my case in particular. As I've said, as she said, the only way to know for sure what would have happened is to go down that path and accept the risk.

Thank God that I live in a free country and had the right to choose. That's what I've mostly felt today.

One step forward, one step back

Back to not feeling so great. Not awful, per se, but not great either. No vomiting, just nausea and heartburn. I'd rather have vomiting over nausea.

Things that irritated and annoyed me today:

Max waking up too early then kneeing me in the stomach while hanging out in bed. It hurt a lot. Thankfully, no bleeding or spotting or anything too bad.

A work meeting that has been on the calendar for weeks for my new role where the person stood me up.

Noemi getting home at 2 pm (his nap time is at 1 and I like him/them back a little after noon so he can have lunch and settle a bit) with the reason that Max was having so much fun he didn't want to leave. As I've told her before, Max is the child and she is the adult. If it is time to go, it is time to go and he will get over it. She is the boss not him.

The SR doc's office today calling to tell me that 1) they haven't received the CVS results yet 2) they called my insurance and were told that the procedure wasn't covered 3) the needed to move my appointment time. Taking things in reverse order...the friend that was going to take me can't at the new time. I'll be driving myself. After two calls to my insurance company (I'll spare you the details), got that all worked out with a three way call doc's office. We were able to get the CVS results from my OB's office which is easier than the place where the procedure was done.

Wish I was feeling better. At least Max is in bed/asleep since he didn't take a nap.

In other news

I was down 10 lbs from my last OB appointment when I was in the other day.

I haven't v*****, P****, or b***** in the last two evenings. Must not actually say the words so as not to jinx the situation. I had heartburn yesterday, but have been feeling pretty darn good today and was able to eat...no was compelled to eat...was starving and required feedings every 2 - 3 hours.

I'm peeing up a storm up to every 10 -40 minutes.

I suspect that Max may be color blind. He is terrible at his colors and only gets "orange" consistently right. From the kid who was pulling up the letters off the hall floor several times today and carrying them to me and telling me the correct letter (only got L and Q wrong) and then (thank goodness) going and putting them back. It doesn't add up. He's pretty skilled at diversion and distraction so only started to really pay attention and focus on it the last few weeks. I always thought that being color blind meant that you may have difficulty telling shades like blue, green, and purple. Or, red or orange. I did a quick read on it last night and it seems to fit as he gets red/green mixed up and maybe even yellow/blue which just threw me off until I read Anomalous trichromacy is a common type of inherited color vision deficiency. Of course, I could be wrong and he could just be really, really bad and naming colors. I haven't gone back to look, but I would have remembered if this was on the donors profile and there is no history on my side either. I'm going to keep my eye on it and ask his teachers to look as well. I talked to Noemi the other day, but he named every color right when I was asking in front of her, but only after we had been working on it that morning before she came and I'm almost positive that he just repeated back/memorized what I had told him a bit earlier.

The OT eval went well today. He liked this assessor much better than the other one. Maybe because she was an older mom with two young boys at home and related better to him? Anyway, she felt like his case was borderline and will just recommend to keep up services underway. She said if he wasn't already receiving services, based on what she saw, she wouldn't have recommended it and only for me to focus on helping him write/hold pens, pencils, and crayons better. I had requested an independent eval after Max had started OT and the therapist downgraded his fine motor skills (from 16 - 18 months at 26 months to 13 - 14 months at 29 months), but also recommended only once per week (when two were in the original recommendation and approved/funded) after there were scheduling issues from what they told me was available and what actually was available. I figured that the variance was because it was his first session in a totally new environment and I wasn't there. I haven't yet had a chance to go to a session yet, but am going to try to go twice in March and have my work schedule blocked.

On Wednesday, I gave Max the choice of underwear or diaper. He chose underwear. No accidents. On Thursday, same. On Friday, he chose diaper. Today, he chose "no diaper", but did have an accident. I'm sure my fault because I didn't turn off the TV and go take him to sit on the toilet even though I was pretty sure he had to go. Tonight, he asked for his "potty book". He looked at the pictures and read it for about 5 minutes before allowing me to read it once.

Max seems to be favoring his left hand these days. Makes me wonder if he is going to be a "lefty". He is getting quite good at moving the mouse on the laptop and navigate to where he wants to go on Disney Playhouse and this morning did it all with his left hand. Then, tonight he was doing it with his right so who knows.

Max is a witty, funny guy.

One of his favorite things to do these days is chase/hunt the cat and when the cat runs Max laughs like it was the funniest thing ever and says "I'm so silly". When I reprimand him and tell him it isn't funny and it isn't nice. He just laughs harder. Sigh. I guess this fits under the boys will be boys category and I don't condone it, but don't really know how to stop it either. The only thing that keeps me from getting too worried is that he will never catch City so can't hurt him.

Max had a dentist appointment this week. The entire drive there he was calm but kept saying he didn't want to go and didn't like the dentist. He screamed the entire time his teeth were cleaned (my choice to either wait or have it done despite his protests) and then again when the dentist was looking in his mouth. This morning, we spent about 30 minutes playing dentist. He would put his hand by my ear and the other by my mouth (I'm assuming where they held his head steady) and told me "It's okay. Almost done." (like I told him at the time). Then, I got a balloon. :)

Tonight, before bed, we had read books and I sang him a made up song while he pretended to sleep on the floor. He's been trying to convince me to let him sleep on the couch, in my bed, on his floor, on the small bed (the folded up tumble mat that we use for various things such as forts, a slide, etc.). After I captured him and had him crib contained I was sitting in the rocking chair for a minute or two. Me: Max, I really enjoyed spending today with you. I had a good time. Max: Thank you, Momma (said with a big smile)

That early morning red spotting was an isolated incident for today. I occasionally had slight pink on the TP and once had a bit of old blood, but nothing new. So, maybe the blood had just been sitting up their waiting for me to get up for the day to drain out, getting out of bed was just too much of a strain (ha ha), or resulted from the BM. Who knows. I'm not complaining.

Today was actually a really good day. I felt better than I have in awhile. I was able to have a lot of rest and horizontal time and still spend good quality time with Max even if it did include too much time on the computer and watching TV.

Hmmm.

I'm upgrading myself to being slightly concerned from thinking things had resolved and "fine" from yesterday. I really thought when I went to bed last night that I'd wake up and a wipe of TP would show nothing. I was only getting occasional light spotting getting less and less with some old blood yesterday as the day progressed. This morning, there was a lot of bright red fresh blood on the ole TP and I'm having mild cramping. Nothing like the other day, but still. It's fresh. It's there. It's telling me this is not fully resolved. So, I will try to take it as easy and be as careful as I can today and this weekend. Max has yet another OT eval (long story but at my request) this morning at 9:30 am so that will break up the morning. And, he's awake and calling "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy come here" so I got to go.

Update

Down to just spotting. Light pink fresh. Nothing like yesterday. Cramping basically gone. I'm still really tired. I slept a lot, but fitfully waking every few hours last night. I'm going to do a few work meetings this morning then head back to bed for a bit just in case. But, I think all is going to be fine. If nothing else, the episode reinforced in my mind that reducing is the right thing to do and that for me it is too risky to not.

Home

I'm home. I'm crampy and still bleeding a lot. The babies are fine with good heartbeats and the placentas looked fine. The cervix was closed and long and fine. And, as the OB said, there's a lot of blood. Don't know why. May or may not be having a miscarriage or as she said "spontaneous abortions are not uncommon in a triplet pregnancy." So, time will tell. If I start gushing blood call her and go to the ER. Otherwise take it easy, "not that it will help", and time will tell the tale.

I was rattled enough I almost left with my pants soaked in blood before thinking...no, you should change those and put a pad on. I actually packed a pair of pants and undies to change into before thinking, no no, you should change now. And, I don't rattle easy. Now that I have a pad on and blood isn't everywhere and it's more like a period, I'm not as freaked. Still.

I'm tired. I was up puking from 6 pm to 2 (or maybe it was 2:30) and then Max was up at 5:15. Apparently, my vomiting is funny and silly when my back is to him and scary when facing him which happened for the first time last night. Nothing like barfing while on the toilet with diarhea while holding your son off while he's crying and telling him "It's okay" Barf. "Mommie's okay" Barf. "That's dinner". Barf. "Dinner that didn't want to stay in mommies stomach" Barf.

I'm in my PJ's and in bed. Noemi's giving Max a bath and putting him into his PJ's. Small blessings that he didn't nap today so I can legitimately put him down for an early bedtime without too much fuss.

Fuck

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck.

I'm bleeding.

A lot.

Heading to doctors now.

The results are in

Finally, the CVS results are in. I missed the call the first time. Called, left a message. And, almost missed the call the second time. I had planned on not finding out the gender, but thought long and hard about that after the genetics counseling appointment when I was told Dr. H, the SR doc, tries to "balance things out". Ultimately, I decided I did want to know.

Baby A, normal boy
Baby B, normal girl
Baby C, normal girl

Milestones

It hadn't been as long as I thought since I had posted, but I realized there have been a several milestones since then.

1) I'm out of the first trimester. I was 12 w last Thursday. I'll be 13 w this Thursday.

2) I turned 42. Egads, when and how did I get that old?

Speaking of Thursday, being out of the first tri, and my birthday...I'm treating myself this Thursday to a Chiropractic appointment (remember bare bottomed Max riding my head incident?) and a massage on Thursday for my birthday. My chiro doesn't like to work on preggo's in the first tri (and I whole heartedly agree). And, this will be a little treat before the trauma of next week. I'm looking forward to it.

Decisions and Dreams

Sorry I have been MIA. I actually don't even remember the last time I posted. Most days, I think up a blog entry in my head, but when I have the time to write it I have no energy. I'm still feeling pretty crappy and vomiting every night now although I think I must be feeling better during the day only because this weekend I was actually able to do things with Max like take him to the train station to watch the trains come in and out, take him and Shadow to the park, go to Sunday school, go to the pet store to get more fish and dog food, and get a special Jamba Juice treat. Where in the past, I'm sure that I mostly laid on the couch except for going to Sunday school. So, while I felt bad while doing it all, I was actually able to do it which is progress of a sort I guess.

I'm still waiting on the CVS results and doing the countdown until the SR which is (basically) a week away at this point. I'm a bit worried about what to expect afterwards...as in do "things" get absorb or should I expect bleeding and to pass the "products of conception" as it were. But, I haven't called or done research to find out.

Reducing to one was never a serious consideration. I have thought about it. It is a possibility, but just not something I could do no matter how much easier it would make my life. The only reason I can even do the reduction to two is because I really believe if I tried to carry 3 to term there would not be a good outcome and I would loose all three or do life long damage to one or all of them as a result of premature delivery. I know that a good outcome is possible, but the odds and risks are too high in my mind so it becomes (or I have justified it) as a medical decision. And, even then, I do not make the decision lightly.

I've had this dream a few times now. I wouldn't say it is a reoccurring dream or nightmare, and it isn't exactly the same each time...only one element. I'm talking to someone (or someones) and at some point they say off hand (in reference to my character)..."It's not as if you've ever killed anyone" and I shock them by correcting them and telling them I have and how I killed this poor innocent child who I never gave a chance to live. I never ever wanted to be in this position. I will still go through with the reduction, even if it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I have tried to live my life with little regret. I know that I will regret this decision probably more than any other I have ever made. Yet, I fear that I will regret not taking action even more if I don't. I really do feel like I'm damned if I do and even more damned if I don't. But, while I may rationalize my reasons, I take ownership of the decision and while "reduction" is the word I use most often "killing" is the word in my head and my heart. And, I wonder at my character and what it says about me that I do and I will still move forward.

I've been trying on the decision of not moving or doing construction and not going live in. I feel so much better and less stressed (at least for now) with that approach. I haven't gone much farther than that as in whether I get someone new that can and will cook with longer hours or just keep Noemi. I figure I have time with that one with the biggest pressure or decision I need to make is for how long to put Max in pre-school come September. I need to fill and submit the application in a few weeks. Originally, before I knew I would be expecting twins, I had thought just mornings so Max could come home and take a nap. However, he's already dropping naps so much that I revised that thinking maybe until 2 pm instead. Yet, now I'm thinking maybe 5 and that he'd have more fun at school and would be less likely to just come home and zone out in front of the TV. Oh, what to do, what to do.

Over the weekend, I was talking with my cousin and telling her that it was probably insane, but that likely I would not move forward with live in help and that really, the only person I could realistically see living here was her. Then, I laughed because while true, it is not something I thought possible as she has a life and three kids in Michigan the youngest of which is only 11, a husband, etc. She called me today and said she's been thinking about that and might just be crazy enough to do it. She talked to CC who loved the idea and said she was in. She talked to her husband (and he and I IM'd briefly about it today) and he seems on board. And, a decision is no where made, but I'm finding it hard not to get excited over the idea even though it would make the space issue even worse. When we talked this weekend, my cousin (who does know me well) said that it's not that she wouldn't drive me crazy as well, just that I can tell her when she's driving me crazy and why...which is so true.

Disregarding the space issue, the idea...now that I know it is a true possibility not just a passing whimsical thought...appeals on many levels because she could and would help with the shopping and the meals and Max (maybe dropping him off and picking him up and doing something with him in the afternoons instead of just leaving him in school), and just be here in the middle of the night...just in case. And, CC is Max's favorite person. Having her here will go a long way to having him not feel so displaced when the twins arrive.

On her end, they just moved back to MI and are still living with her parents. They have pretty much decided not to buy a house right now because Jim's not sure that he wants to stay and his new job could afford him other opportunities elsewhere. When she called me, although she cautioned she was just in the thinking/talking phase, but wanted to make sure I really would want that and I knew she was thinking about it, but...had thought enough that she mentioned they would want to bring their own beds, that her oldest daughter would be in college so is a non-issue, but that Jim and their son (who would be a senior in high school) would live with his parents. Jim's dad has been told that his cancer is back and they are all worried about the situation. Both Jim and Terri felt that this maybe a gift to him as well to spend the time with them since they know the time is very limited. And, it will give Jim and James a chance to bond before James heads out into adulthood and college. And, they could save financially by not having to pay rent or mortgage for a year. And, Terri and CC would come here and help an feel good about helping me during the difficult first year of twins.

It could be a win, win, win. We'd have to work out details. I told Terri I'd pay her, but I got the impression she would want me to still have Noemi or someone come in during the day. And, I'd probably want to buy new beds rather than shipping their beds back and forth, if they could live with that and we'd have to figure out where to put everyone. Maybe CC's bed could go in my office since she won't be sleeping when I'm working and a crib in my room and a crib in Terri's room. But, there will be time to work it out if the ultimate decision is for her to come. But, I have to say, the idea has taken hold today and I will be disappointed if not. Either way, it will work out one way or another.

Ugh!

Life can be really annoying sometimes. It's a given that my feeling good was short lived. Yep, yesterday I had nausea pretty much all day with some heartburn thrown in for good measure, although no vomiting. I'd prefer a quick vomit than all day nausea hands down. But, anyway, that's not what has me annoyed in the middle of the night. No, it's the fact that the battery in the smoke alarm in Max's room apparently needs to be changed as evidenced by the annoying beep, beep, beep at periodic intervals that woke me out of a nice, sound sleep. And, there is no way I can change it while Max is asleep and it is a major hassle to change. I have to get the tall ladder out of the garage, carry it accross the house trying not to bash and possession in route, move furniture in Max's room, put it up, and then climb up it. I currently have my bedroom door closed and the monitor off and I can't hear it anymore. Of course, I can't hear Max if/when he wakes up either. Ugh! The thing is, I never, not once have loaded a battery into a smoke detector in the middle of the night. Why is it that every time except once, the battery goes out with that annoying beep in the middle of the night. Very annoying and not very convenient. And, I don't want to hear it about regular maintenance and replacing the batteries on schedule. This is actually done when my cousin is here once a year. It's her job. She installed them. She's taller. And, she doesn't mind climbing tall ladders. Granted, it's not hard. It will probably only take 15 minutes all told to resolve, but annoying none the less.

11w6d

I don't want to jinx things, but yesterday....yesterday....I didn't feel awful. Tired, yes. Tired enough that I carved out 30 minutes to go horizontal in the afternoon, yes. But....I didn't have heartburn. I didn't vomit, not even once. I was only mildly nauseous a few times for a short duration. I was able to eat a variety of foods on a regular basis. I had a good night sleep. Oh, my...It's been so long since I have felt miserable for most or part of the day that I am silently and internally jumping up an down for joy. It's amazing how much easier it is to get through the day with work and a toddler and just normal life stuff when you feel almost normal. Sure, a pregnant normal, but normal. Oh, please God. Please. Let this be a trend. I don't have to feel like yesterday all the time right away, but an upward trend would be nice. Please let me have more and more days like yesterday where I could respond to a few emails, make a few calls, actually play a bit with my son, basically able to do more than lie on the couch or the bed feeling worse than one could imagine most of the time and wondering what I had done so wrong in my life to deserve this. Oh, please God, let this be a first trimester event where as I don't feel overwhelmed by life for the rest of my pregnancy and the rest of my life (or at least the next 5 years). Okay, remember, this is said in confidence, in whisper. We must not jinx this.

on coffee

I am not a coffee drinker. Never have been. I don't think I have ever actually even drank a whole cup of coffee. Sure, I have tasted it. Taken a sip here or there, but I really can't remember the last time. Maybe even over 20 years ago. About a month ago, my mom came over with a cup of coffee. Of course, Max got the warnings, don't touch/it's hot/etc. and I had to remind my mom not to leave it where he could get it/burn himself several times. Since then the whole idea of coffee has intrigued Max. When I ask him what he wants to drink, I get back "coffee" in response. When I tell him his options are milk or water, he counters "coffee". Now, he hadn't ever had coffee, but he was so sure he wanted it. On election day last week, I put on a pot of coffee for the poll workers. And, to lure Max inside so I could go get it for those who wanted it, I told him he could have some. I gave him a big disposable cup with about 2 sips in it. Oh, you should have seen how proud he was. He carried it around, ruthlessly making sure every poll worker and voter acknowledged how cool it was/he was because he had coffee. After it sufficiently cooled, he went and sat in a chair and took a sip. The expression on his face was priceless and although he sputtered it out and didn't touch another drop, it didn't stop him from strutting around with his coffee cup. What's even funnier is that he has been getting into soup lately and I gave him one of those on the go ones the other day that has a lid. He immediately insisted it was his coffee, not soup. He's had a bit every night for the last few nights wanting to know "where's my coffee". Oh, this son of mine. He does make me laugh.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Today is the first day I haven't felt completely crappy in recent memory. I made an executive decision to stop taking those evil antibiotics. I just can't keep them down, especially after the other night when I attempted to take them without food to see if that would help and ended up vomiting anyway. That was awful...really awful. I haven't been sleeping well and was up with diahrea and vomiting...often at the same time. The other day, the only thing I could keep down were cheerios and I don't even like cheerios. I was so tired of the same ole food, I went to an early dinner with my mom and Max yesterday. I took two bites and knew it was a mistake and it would not stay down. It didn't. At least Shadow got a nice dinner. On Friday afternoon/evening, I got a bit crampy and got a tad worried, but never started bleeding and it was gone the next day so I guess it was just one of those things. Max has been great through it all and is funny as can be. I've decided he is a directive two year old (as opposed to a bossy one :). He's the one joy in the misery I've been feeling. I tell you, I'm going to be so pissed at Dr. H, the SR doc, if I don't start feeling better after the reduction as she said most women do. It's the one thought that is getting me through.

Now that I know that nature isn't going to take it's course and unless things go dreadfully wrong somewhere, I'm really going to have some kids out of this, I'm getting a bit freaked out and worried about money. I haven't put things on paper yet, but started adding up what I think childcare is going to cost the first year and I think it will take up my entire salary and that is just the child care expenses not counting mortgage, food, gas/electricity, etc. And, I make a decent salary. Worried and stressed enough that I've been contemplating reducing to one. I wouldn't actually do this unless my doc advised it, the CVS indicates that would be a wise move, or for some other medical reason. But, I don't know how all this is going to work out. Having twins/three young kids is going to be stressful enough without the added money/financial pressure and operating in the red. I must do a budget and come up with a plan soon. I need more space if I go with a live in, but don't think I can afford it. Or the number of hours of help those who have gone before me recommend. Yet, I trust and respect them and their experiences. Oh, what to do, what do do. I keep telling myself it is all going to work out somehow. That's starting to not help much.

Same ole

Busy week. Still not feeling great and very tired. Pretty much just going to bed as soon as Max is in bed. Felt better from the CVS by the next (Wed.) morning and no spotting, cramping, or any other sign that things may have taken a turn for the worst. I did feel so much better on day that I was wondering if they had, but then started a major vomit fest without warning...just walking through the living room and started puking...not fun...but was able to make it to my bathroom after round 1 so didn't have too much mess to clean up. So, same ole, same ole and just hoping that as I move out of the first trimester things let up a bit and I start not feeling so tired and bad. I'm 11 weeks now.

Of course

All went fine.

Of course, it could have gone better had one of my cultures not come back positive prohibiting CVS to be done vaginally instead of abdominally. Of course, two out of the three would have been better (and less painful) to have been done abdominally. The first one hurt. The second one really, really hurt. The third one wasn't so bad. I'm now on antibiotics 4 times a day for 28 dosages...what's that...a week? I'm tired. We left at noon and didn't get back until 6:30 pm. The procedure probably isn't that bad when done vaginally or when you only have to do it once. Three times abdominally was a drag. I'm glad I didn't know how much it would hurt before hand. I'm glad it's done.

Of course, all three were growing strong and a few days ahead of the growth curve. I was told bleeding and even clotting would be normal for a few days and it would only be concerning if it was heavy and soaking a pad quickly. I'm telling you, I will be surprised if I do bleed. This pregnancy is a strong one. I'm sore. And, I think my belly will be very bruised for awhile, but that all will ultimately be fine. I guess the good news is the SR will only be one stick of a thinner needle.

Of course, my plan to hide out in my room until Max was asleep didn't even come close to working. However, it was fine. He went down well with little trouble and just came on the bed with me for a few minutes of play and book reading and I haven't heard a peep out of him since Noemi put him in his crib.

Of course, my plan to vote when I came back was flawed. I didn't get back until much later than planned and the line was long, long, long. Since I'm supposed to be on strict bed rest for 24 hours with bathroom privileges only, I decided not to chance it. Now, I'm mad at myself for not planning better or thinking about that factor and vote first thing this morning when the polls opened. I can't remember the last time I didn't vote in an election. My only rationalization is that most often who and what I vote for is not the popular view and doesn't "win" anyway. Still I do think that every vote counts and am disappointed in myself for the lack of foresight on this. Fiftheen minutes until the polls close. Of course, I am planning on going on there to sit and supervise. One, because they are going to need the help. Two, because it will get things wrapped up quicker and then I can get into my jammies and go to sleep sooner. Hey, sitting in a chair for a few minutes can't be any worse than sitting in traffic on the way home for 90 minutes.

Big Day

Today is the big day. The poll workers will be here in about an hour and the polls open in about 2. I told the inspector that normally I help break down and count ballots but that I have a medical procedure today and they want bed rest after. The inspector is the wife of someone who has been inspector here several times. The old inspector came to help set up and said his wife was nervous, but he told her I always help at night. Ugh. I told him about the medical procedure and he got a bit worried looking. Since none of the workers who showed up last night have ever worked an election and neither has the current inspector, I probably will go out and at least sit and supervise once the polls close.

I'm toying with closing my door before I leave and sneaking in the sliding door when I get back in an attempt for Max to not know I am home and hiding out in my room until after he is in bed. In fact, I've made up my mind that I'm going to try it. We will see if it works. I've tried this bed rest thing once or twice and if Max knows I'm here, he wants me. Plus, if he naps, bedtimes haven't been that great. They are not awful, but just lots of "mommy, I hurt my toe, it needs kisses"; "momma, I hurt my head, need kisses"; "more milk, momma, more milk momma, more milk momma"; "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy (until I appear)...I need a fresh shirt, this one is wet (because he took off the lid and spilt his milk everywhere)"; "momma, momma, I'm hungry"; "mommy, I want water (I get him some water)...no, mommy, I want milk"; etc. Then, finally, about an hour or so later, he finally settles in and falls asleep. I wonder if he would do the same if Noemi puts him down. Now, if he didn't nap...all the more reason to try and be invisible until he is down, but once in his crib, I don't typically hear a peep unless it is to ask for more milk.

And, the big CVS is today. I'm a tad nervous about the procedure. Not nervous enough to loose sleep or anything. In fact, I slept better last night than I have in ages. I needed it. And, it will be a busy morning with getting the poll open, then have work meetings non stop until I need to leave so there will be no time to fret.

If you are one of the (what feels like) 500 friends I owe return calls and who have tried to get a hold of me to no avail. I'm sorry. I'm just such a bad friend right now. It's not personal. There is just a lot going on and (not to repeat myself to death) I just haven't been feeling great. I haven't even checked vmail on my cell in days and didn't even realize until last night that it has been on mute since Sunday morning when we went to church. Maybe that will get done on the way to appointment this afternoon.

Maybe progress is being made because last night when I stopped work, I was so tired, had a headache that wouldn't quit, had a drippy nose, and figured I could barf at any moment. However, I took some Tylenol PM (to make a dent in the headache and dry up the nose...which will often reduce the actual vomiting) and sucked it up and took Shadow out for a short walk before Max got home from swimming lessons and a short while later, I was actually feeling better and had a pleasant evening such that I wasn't ready to throttle my child during the long drawn out bedtime. And, I was even hungry and able to eat dinner. Of course, I had to order in because, egads, I have no groceries. In fact, I'm hoping that Noemi will stop for some milk today/this morning cause we are almost out. And, the spare I thought was out in the outside fridge has been used up.

Big Day. Go, go, go. It's only 5:30 am and I'm already looking forward to tonight when I can just lay down with nothing else that needs to be done.

Pain in the neck

Max brought new meaning to the phrase pain in the neck today when he allegedly became tired of Elmo Potty Time on the computer and decided to "ride momma's head". Well, yes, I was laying down at the time and my eyes did flutter closed so it took me a bit by surprised so I was slow on the draw getting him off. The added benefit was that he was bare bottomed at the time. In my own defense, I had been up since 1 or 2 am with horrible heartburn and vomiting, not to mention other tummy troubles. I had a headache before the "riding" incident. Now, I have a neck ache and a headache. I guess I was an easy target.

T - 3

Almost 3 days until Tuesday. Not only is it election day with my garage being the polling place for my precinct, it is CVS day. I'm a little worried and nervous about the procedure. Oddly enough, less so since I found out that Dr. W (the CVS doc) prefers to go in vaginally for the procedure. Because there are multiples, he may not be able to do them all that way, but the fact that he will do as many as possible that way is reassuring to me. And, I guess I had better figure out how I'm going to vote and think about and probably not actually complete sweeping and straightening the garage for the big voting event.

On my mind

I almost blew my record of not vomiting in my car today. Ironically enough, I was running out to pick up the refill of the anti-nausea med at the time. Instead, I was able to quickly jump out of the car and just spent 5 minutes barfing on the front lawn. Not a highlight of my day for sure. The only good news, per se, is I don't think any of my neighbors were about and saw the event.

I'm getting amazed at how awful I can feel most of the time, still, again, and it feels like almost always. Awful enough that I've actually had the thought lately that if this pregnancy completely fails for some reason, I'm good with having a family with just Max. I never felt that way while ttc for those many months that led to DE, but am pretty sure I'm just done no matter the outcome of this cycle....good or bad. Sure, I'd do an FET just to make sure the two pity freeze embryos really are bad and wouldn't make it, but that would be it, it, it.

I think the reality that one or more of these growing babies are not just going to die off on me and have been having thoughts of "OMG, what the hell have I done". Even with reducing to twins, I'm a bit freaked out about how hard and crazy life is going to become with twins with a toddler.

On the other hand, I'm trying to come to terms that I'm really going to have to move to live in help. I keep having these fantasies that it really won't be THAT bad and I can do it with just day help. It's hard enough for me to have someone in my house during the day. Having someone here all the time is kind of freaking me out a bit. Probably, this is a whole post in and of itself. However, I personally know two local SMC's who had an older child and then had twins and both insist that not only is live in help a complete necessity, that it is needed almost 7 days a week for at least the first year. I respect them both too much not to believe and trust them on this. But, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I don't want to have to share my house with another adult any more than what I have. This is just a huge stresser for me.

I've been sleeping a lot this week, including through the night with just quick wake ups to use the potty, let the dog out/in, and/or go check on Max when he's needed me. Too tired and sick to check the computer before bed or during a middle of the night waking. Pretty much, I'm putting Max to bed and going to bed myself. Sadly, even after way more sleep, I still wake up tired and wanting more. One of the really good things about being asleep so much is that it's pretty much the only relief I've been getting from the nausea/vomiting. I'm getting a little worried (about spinal binafia) when I think about how long its been since I've been able to keep my prenatal vitamin down. But, I can only do the best I can.

I'm getting done the basics like work, which has been busy doing turnover of my old job and starting to pick up pieces of my new one. I'm taking care of Max although feeling extremely blessed that he wants nothing more than to cuddle with me on the couch and watch the normally more limited TV time. I actually got ordered to go lay in my bed for a period of time last night. Granted, it only lasted 11 minutes, but hey...I am to please and complied. The good news/bad news is that Max has been back to napping this week. Good because this is good for him and he needs the sleep. Bad because bedtime has been harder and he's pretty much not settling in and falling asleep until 8 pm which is a full hour after he's been put in the crib. Many of the antics and stalling tactics are as amusing as they are annoying like calling me back to tell me that he hurt his mouth and needs kisses; he's hurt his toe and needs kisses; to tell me the plot line of a show that we watched on TV; etc. He's also been taking off his PJ's, sometimes including his diaper. A call out telling me that he needs to use the potty is one that should not be ignored because it usually means he has stripped and is standing there naked. Tonight, he was topless and I was told he wanted a fresh shirt because the other one was wet. Last night, I didn't check on him until 2 am, cause I was just asleep as soon as he was quiet, and found him sound asleep sans jammies (but with a diaper thank goodness) and I just covered him with the blanket and went back to sleep with only a passing thought of trying to redress him figuring that it didn't seem to be bothering him in the least.

Okay, I should probably try to eat something and head back to sleep. Too bad food is so unappealing right now. I just settle for least revolting as possible and hope it stays down and try to get at least some protein in during a given day. Blah, it would be really nice to start feeling better soon.