CD1. Yet Again.

Today is cd1. I'm seriously thinking of not cycling this month, but I'm going in for an u/s tomorrow to check things out. Last month, I had a lead follicle at 10 on cd2 so we didn't do the meds...or rather just a really low dose of them. I will not be shocked at all to find the if the same thing happened again this month. It's like my hormones are out of sync and my ovaries are moving forward before I shed my lining from the month before...of course, that is my own personal theory with no one to really ask or talk to it about. Makes me really miss Dr. N, of course. Sometimes I wonder if he were still here and in charge of me if I would have better results so far. I think I'm doing okay managing my own case here with what I know, but it does get hard sometimes without someone to bounce ideas off and give suggestions. I'll talk to Dr. Q tomorrow during the u/s, but may scrap the cycle if I already have a big follicle (think I have felt one growing for about 4 - 5 days now). My rationale is that if I don't cycle this month, I won't do progesterone next month and then my lining shed should be back in sync with my ovary production since I will get an early period. Like I said, I'm still undecided, but the egg quality has to be pretty crappy if it is that out of sync. We will see what tomorrows u/s shows and what Dr. Q has to say.

The other odd thing going on is that for the last few days, almost the same amount of time I have felt a possible follicle growing, my IBS has just disappeared. Gone. Basically things are normalish. And, I have been eating way more sugar and carbs that I should be and have in quite a while. Telling myself that the sugar and carbs and higher insulin isn't good for the egg quality hasn't been a motivating factor since, well, the egg quality is certainly crap anyway.

With such a positive attitude, I ask myself why I'm bothering to keep trying. It really just does seem so hopeless right now. I question my sanity regularly for buying 10 more vials. What the hell was I thinking? Then, I give myself the pep talk on how the odds are better than zero as long as my ovaries are producing something. They may not be high...someone asked me today what I have been told my odds are per cycle with IUI for my age...and I had to laugh...good thing it was through email...because I wouldn't and haven't asked that question. I told her certainly less than 5%, but more likely somewhere in the 1 - 3% range. Pretty bad when you think about it, which I try not to do too often, but better than zero.

Hey, what is the worst thing that can happen with continuing to cycle? I will continue to get negative beta's and they won't work. I can handle that. I have lots of experience. I don't like it. I'm tired of it. I actually don't really think it is going to work, ever, with my own eggs at this point. Mostly. There is just this small, very small smidgen of hope, the thought that it really only does take one and if I keep trying...maybe, just maybe...that one will come up.

I'm not ready to move on. I'm not ready to quit. I'm tired of the ride, but don't like the alternative so I will try and try again. Maybe not this month. We will see. But, I have a years worth of sperm on ice and maybe, just maybe I'll get another miracle sometime this year if I keep at it.

Summer Fun Pictures

Summer is barely here it seems and yet we have been enjoying it to the fullest. Here are some recent pictures of Max.

This morning at breakfast. Max is in a "hat" phase. He, not I, decided baseball hats should be worn as so.

At the beach on Memorial Day.

"Goggle Man"

Sink baths are a favorite around here at all times of the day. It can get a bit messy, but..hey, it sure is fun! Just ask Max!!

“Babies are born manipulators”

There has been some phone calls and conflict between the teacher, the nanny, and I in Max’s Wednesday morning gymnastics Mommy and me class. I took advantage of my boss being out of town (normally have a staff meeting during the class time) to audit the class and check things out myself. I’m glad I did even if the dynamic was very different by my mere presence. The biggest issue seems to be that Max wants to do what Max wants to do and not what the class wants to do. I let Max do a bit of both by trying to get him engaged at each shift in activities, but didn’t force the issue if he wanted to do something else. What the teacher would like is for us to physically pick up and try to “make” Max be a part of the group. When I question her on that and the age appropriateness of such expectations, she backed off a little bit and then talked about safety. And, how I was right with Max, but how Noemi will let him go off without following him. I agree this could be dangerous, but I also didn’t observe it. The teacher also thinks that Max is in a power struggle with Noemi and manipulating her. And, while she didn’t directly say so, probably me too. She explained that she has 3 children and worked with children, including special needs children, (implying she was very qualified and what she was asking for is not unrealistic) and went on to explain that babies are born manipulators crying for everything and as they grow that continues and by letting them do what they want, we are just reinforcing that (the last part being my interpretation/summary of her point) they can continue to cry to get what they want. I let that go in the course of our conversation while making a mental note that our philosophy on child development and probably life are very different and that I will 1) find something else for Max to do instead (looking into My Gym) and 2) finish up taking Max myself to the Saturday class when I can or just cutting our losses. What I did say is that my objective was for Max to have fun in a safe environment and that I wasn’t paying for him to be forced into things or for him to cry and scream the whole time. She started to back peddle a bit and pointed out that kid xyz also runs off and that was really fine and that he had only been doing this for 9 – 10 weeks and that eventually it would snap into place for him. We both agreed that Max really was learning and picking things up even if it didn’t look like it. I talked to her about coming myself to the Saturday class and finding something else for Wednesdays. She agreed this was acceptable even when I said I could likely only come about twice a month, but that class was VERY different from the Wednesday one with a wide age range and skill level and is much more of a free for all (like this would discourage me when it is more like what I expect/want). I found it very interesting that she made a point of saying that she changes the class around completely each week to keep it new and interesting and such. I actually think that may be part of the issue in that Max doesn’t know what to expect each time. I have found that he is one who takes very well to routines and structure, which works well since I tend to be that way by nature most of the time. Anyway, it sure was a work out for me as well as MAx, but I think Max was glad I went and I do think using it as filler on free Saturday’s will be fine as I will just let him and I do what we want for the number of sessions I have already paid. I thought it was very interesting that she also pointed out that she wouldn’t throw him of class because he wandered and didn’t participate, while thinking that wasn’t my concern at all and that she has made it such that I really don’t see a future with us in their program. Really, all the rest of it I could deal with and get beyond. It was the babies as manipulators theory that was the deciding factor for me. I agree that they cry to express their needs, but don’t agree with the negative connotations around manipulation and look at it as my job to meet those needs as much as possible within reason especially at such a young age.

Negative. Again.

The official results are in. Beta <2. Negative. Again. Not that I'm counting, but it will now be 16 months since I've been trying for a second child. I just feel like crying. I think I'm going to bag work for the day and go start a trashy romance novel or something. Next cycle should officially start around Friday and already confirmed a doc will be in for a baseline u/s.

Feeling tired and crabby

I had a hard time falling asleep last night and didn’t do so until after midnight. Of course, Max is going through an early wake up phase with this morning being the earliest in months….the dreaded 4 am hour. He had pee’d through, was congested, and crabby. After about an hour, I decided some Benadryl and Tylenol were in order and they did help some. Boy, it was really hard not to be crabby back to him this morning. I did have to take a deep breath a few times and tell him that mommy was very tired today so it would be great if he could use his words, help me understand what he wanted, be a little patient. Didn’t really change his behavior any, but reminded me to keep my patience. It was one of those mornings where I was thinking….and, I want another one of these? Am I crazy?

Of course, today is beta day. Blood was dropped off 40 minutes ago or so…after waiting for 30 minutes with only 2 people ahead of me. Then, I had to point out that the test was STAT to the tech which was annoying and even more so that she didn’t actually put the STAT sticker on in my presence so we will see if I get the results today. It goes without saying that in spite of my inner dialog this morning questioning my sanity of wanting another one, of course I do so want another. I am so ready to be off the ttc road, but not ready to quit.

Most of the reason I was up so late last night was I watch the entire second half of the Survivor Fiji season now that I forced myself through the last two book of the Left Behind series. Earl won. Survivor. God won the final battle between good in evil in Kingdom Come, the last Left Behind book. You might have predicted that. The Survivor outcome was not so predictable, but, if you are a fan, you would already know that Earl one since the season ended weeks ago (or is it months by now).

Anyway, after the whole zoning in front of the TV thing for hours and hours on end last night and as tired as I was I still managed to play the am I or am I not mind game for an hour or so until yesterday was today. Then, Max woke me up early. Hence, the tired and crabby part. As far as the mind game, when it was all said and done, I came to the conclusion that I really have no idea that the cycle worked. It’s doubtful that the cycle worked, but it could have. I had those two days where I felt crampy and like I was going to get my period. Then, really nothing much in the way of symptoms or lack there of for days In spite of the harder than normal morning, I will be disappointed for another failed cycle. Because I am so tired and crabby, it may even be harder than normal to get the bad news.

Let’s just hope I actually get them back one way or the other today since I was in so early and it was supposed to have been done STAT. If not, it may not be pretty and I may have to go off on someone. I plan to call the clinic after my last meeting ends at 3:30 PT which will be slightly over 6 hours with a STAT turnaround time supposed to be within 4 – 6 hours. I’m giving them 15 extra minutes. May they deliver prior to then. That’s all I have to say about that.

I guess that is all I have to say about anything right now. Other than to say that I must stop the sugar madness. I was doing so well until the last few days. My self psychoanalysis has shown that my two trigger times is extreme stress (which is rare for me, but work has tipped me over the edge lately) and being extremely tired (which is fairly rare for me). Since today, I am both tired and stressed, I will really need to watch it because adding sugar to the mix will be nice in the short term, but not really help anything in the long run. The one piece of good news is that I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks (because I was too afraid of what the number might be) and it was actually down 2.5 lbs from where I was last time I checked. Since I had gained the 2.5 lbs back from my “start” and was pissed off the last time I checked because of my unforgiving body gaining it back on just a minor infraction, I am actually the same as where I wanted to be. I’ll take a neutral right now.

Now, I really have nothing else to say. For now. I’ll just go impatiently wait until this afternoon so I can officially be disappointed that yet another cycle has failed and I will be continuing the ttc madness. I’m tired. Physically tired. Mentally and emotionally tired. Of. Trying. To. Have. Another. Child.

Tired, but not ready to quit.

Today’s Funnies

Some funny moments from today….

Bubbles. Max has this thing against bubbles. I’ve tried to give him a bubble bath a few times, but he freaks out. His new hobby is climbing up and playing in the kitchen or my bathroom sink. He likes, likes, likes soap, but hasn’t figured out the cause and effect that lots of (liquid) soap can make bubbles. He did not want to shower with me this morning and instead choose to play in the sink. He started sounding a tad distressed so I poked my head out. He had his butt in the air with his feet out of the sink doing the “crab” trying to get away from the bubbles. I just plucked him up trying not to laugh and pulled him in with me where he ohh’d and ahhh’d as I held him under the shower. I guess you had to see it, but it was funny.

Make-up. I don’t wear a lot of make-up, but do usually put on eye liner and lip stick if I am going out. I was rushing around trying to get us ready and out the door this morning and apparently, Max used my eye liner after observing me use it. It’s only funny because he didn’t hurt himself, but he got his eye pretty good in several places and a nice line across his forehead before I saw him. He was none to happy when I confiscated the pencil.

Crumpets. One of the things we did this morning was take a neighbor who had ankle surgery to the grocery store (after visiting another neighbor in the hospital and stopping to see a random 7 year old baseball playoff game) since her husband is out of town. We almost made it out of the store before Max spied something he just had to have -- blueberry crumpets. No, he has never had them before, but knew he wanted them and just loved it. He did offer to share a piece with the cashier, who appreciated the gestured, but declined. I’m sure I am creating a bad habit getting him stuff like this in the store, but I figure it is reasonably healthy stuff and a good way for him to try new things so the benefit probably outweighs the potential risk.

Sharing. We ate dinner outside and Max didn’t eat much, but I brought his plate in after he climbed up to the sink and started playing. At some point after he was done in the sink and after the plate had been sitting around for awhile (30 - 40 min.) I gave it to Shadow. Max saw me do this and had a delayed reaction and decided he “wasn’t” finished with dinner even though I had asked him first before giving it to Shadow. He ran over took the plate away and outside to eat a bit more, came back in and gave a few pieces to Shadow, went back out and came back in with the plate and gave it back to Shadow. Shadow was still standing there trying to figure out what happened. She just looked up as Max took the plate away, took the food he hand offered, and went back to eating like nothing happened when Max brought the plate back. Yes, kind of gross, but funny -- at least to me.

Ah, this kid of mine. He does so make me laugh.

Musing and Random Thoughts on a Saturday Night

I took a nap today. Not a long one, but a nice solid one with a weird dream and all. And, my sugar and carb intake really sucked today. So, it is now well after 10 pm and I’m wide awake. Since Max is back on his 5:15 - 5:30 am wake up phase, this doesn’t bode well for me tomorrow.

Almost every night when I go to bed, unless I am just way to tired and I have to be pretty darn tired to no, I put lotion on my hands and feet. I do not actually like to do this, but I like it done. And, I think to myself that if I had a husband, it would be something he could do to show is love for me and then I laugh because I know that it is just a fantasy and another reminder that when I do desire a husband (which is pretty rare if you don’t count my foot lotion fantasy) it is for all the wrong reasons.

Mostly I like my new acupuncturist, but I don’t love her like I did my other/first one. She is more local and convenient and similarly priced, but she just doesn’t have the same personality. I had an appointment on Thursday and I made a comment that my IBS over all is better, but it still comes and goes sometimes and I have not been able to identify a trigger for it and that I hadn’t yet started a food journal to see if that helped. She made a comment that stuck with me and kind of bugged me to the affect that well, then you haven’t yet tried everything (if this cycle fails). Mostly, I ignore her rah rah be positive talk because I really don’t buy into it. I don’t think that thinking positive or negative will affect the outcome of a cycle either way. Yes, extreme stress may play a part to some degree or at least reduce the odds, but come on, I’m sure stressed out women get pregnant all the time. Hher comment made me realize that subtly, very subtly she tends to place the blame failed cycles and miscarriages on the woman. I probably would have picked up on it earlier had I paid more attention instead of mostly tuning out when you started her “positive” thinking speal as I call it. Now that I realize it, it bugs me and I find it insulting and somewhat damaging to the physique, which is really the opposite of what she should be doing. For example, she’s asked me numerous times if I really want to get pregnant, which I just find as odd and respond of course I want to get pregnant otherwise I wouldn’t be going through all the effort. She will counter with a story like, once one of her patients confessed that she didn’t really want another child, but her husband did so she was going through the motions for him to which I remind her that I am single with no one to please but myself on this. Anyway, don’t want to get myself worked up about it, because…you now…the stress might what caused this cycle to fail. However, one of the things she said actually kind of makes sense to me and worries me. That is that getting and staying pregnant is an extra/non-critical function and that if there are other physical problems the body deems as more important it can affect fertility. Makes me wonder if there is something else or more underlying that I don’t know about or if the IBS could be enough. I guess I could see that having a gallstone and recovering from that surgery could put things out of balance, but think it has been long enough now for that to still be an issue. And, my insulin was high (a situation that I like to think of as insulin resistance as opposed to pre-diabetic). And, while the IBS is better things couldn’t really be classified as “normal” per se. I guess I really should make an appointment with the internist for a physical to talk about the IBS and for a baseline heart stress test or what they call it. The thing about the IBS is that other people gave it that label and I started using it, but in all of the internet searching and do you have IBS questionnaires‘, my symptoms don’t really match most or the criteria. Other than getting pissed of and stressed about work this week, in general, I am less stressed and more life balanced than I can ever remember being as an adult. I don’t have abdominal cramping (related to IBS anyway), which according to the acu is there even if I can’ feel it and “bad” for a cycle which is in direct contrast to what Dr. N and other RE’s have said in response to me and others who have asked about diarrhea and vomiting or stuff like that after an ET or transfer. Anyway, I guess this was bugging me more than I realized. And, made me forget my other random thoughts.

Hmmm. What were they?

Something I read online tonight made me think about my ex-boyfriend and took me down memory lane in a good smiling way. I sure didn’t feel this way for several years after we broke up, but I’m actually very happy we didn’t get married and he isn’t the father of my children. Truth be told, I probably still love him and maybe always will. We remain friends and in contact. I have had sex with him (but sadly not recently and not the last few times we have seen each other) for many, many years and can see us having sex again in the future. Made me remember a conversation that I had with a friend on New Years eve about how I can see K and I living out our “golden years” together after the kids are grown and gone. The thing with K and I is that we genuinely like each other and have a great time when we are together. Loving and liking each other really was never our issue as much as some fundamental philosophy issues of what it meant to be in a committed relationship and marriage with probably the biggest being around what some call “open” marriages vs. monogamy and the second biggest around what I call contribution to society (personal motivation to succeed and bettering yourself. For example, we have talked about the fact that he never graduated from college (that’s where we met). He was less than 6 or 8 or 10? Units shy, got drafted to the NFL (but didn’t stick), played in Europe in the World League, played in Canada (where he met the mother of his sons), but never made the time and effort to follow through. There is no way that if we had stayed together that would have been acceptable. I would have pushed him and bugged him until he did it and he admits now that he wishes that he did, but feels now like it is lost to him. The guy is smart. For example, we have probably played more than 100 games of chess in our day. Maybe I one once or twice and he won the rest. Quite annoying actually. (smile) But, he was just never motivated to really apply himself and go after things that would really make him happy like coaching a high school or college football team or a scout. Instead, he works in low paying menial type jobs. It’s not really and just about the money, at least it wasn’t at the time. Although, hindsight shows I probably would have been the primary money earner and after having kids resentful with wanting to be able to stay home full time. Anyway, hadn’t seriously thought about him in awhile and it was kind of nice to do so in a I’m so happy things turned out the way they did and where I am at in life kind of way.

I could talk about the minutia of the day, but it is seriously getting late so I had better at least try to fall asleep so I will just quickly mention how even on the rare occasions that I mess with Max’s nap/sleep schedule, I regret it. Easy to say that you will never be a slave to your child’s nap schedule, if you don’t have a child who really needs one like Max does. And, to say that I took Max to his first little league game today (after he woke up crying and screaming from his late broken up nap after falling asleep in the car, waking up when I brought him in, and eventually falling back to sleep and the only thing he wanted me to do is stand holding him while he watched a baseball game on tv). And, when we got back, in front of the house, and I opened the garage door, he started crying all over again. So, I asked him if he wanted to go out to eat or church and he said church so we went to (part of) the Saturday evening service. An interesting choice since he just runs circles around the “cry” room trying to escape whenever someone opens the doors most of the time. Probably, he just likes going to the play area afterwards, but it did make me glad that I have been making the effort to go. Or, it could have just been that he wasn’t hungry since he isn’t really feeling that great (yet another cold) and didn’t do more than snack most of the day.

To bed, to bed, I must get to bed. I must at least try to sleep even though I’m still not feeling very tired.

Oh yes, one last thing...how could I forget. LOL. Still feeling very crampy and like I'm about to start my period. But, not spotting or any sign of blood yet. Maybe it could be a good sign. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Can you hear my laughter from here?

Blah, Blah, Blah

That’s how I’m feeling. Blah. Like I’m going to start my period at any moment. I’ve been really good about staying away from sweets, but did a Costco run this afternoon and couldn’t resist a container of cookies. It didn’t hit me at the time that this is a typical pre-menstrual craving for me. Sigh.

The good news is that I have been through this enough and been wrong in my cycle predictions enough that while I do tend to “pay attention” to any symptoms or lack there of, I don’t really attach a whole lot of emotion around them typically. Shoot, just last month, I was all twingy and started thinking the desired outcome was a possibility and we all know how that ended. Yes, negative. Hey, the cycle with Max I was so sure it didn’t work that it never even occurred to me to HPT. Heck, I had a consult planned with Dr. N and moved sperm that day. The last time I was pregnant, I did suspect I might be at about 12 or 13 dpo only because of an increases sense and sensitivity of smell, but that didn’t end well so it isn’t if it did any good in the long run.

So, I’ll just plug along these last few days. Plenty to do and keep me occupied this weekend. I won’t be surprised if I start bleeding or spotting. Like I said, it just really, really feels like my period is imminent. Alas, time will tell. Beta is planned for Tuesday.

Forgot again!

Darn it! I forgot to take my p4 again today until about 2:30 pm, let’s see…only about 6 hours late. Lovely. Ironically, I was reminded by noticing my boobs were a bit sore and swollen and thinking that my progesterone must be higher than usual this month, not that I’ll ever know since I couldn’t be bothered to actually test it.

Work still has been busy and basically sucky, but not as bad as the other day. Was pretty stressed out, which is unusual for me. However, had an acupuncturist appointment today and that really helped. She must have agreed with me since she walked me through some guided imagery relaxation for the first time.

I’ve been doing some preliminary research on pre-schools and thinking about putting Max into a Montessori school that takes children at two that my neighbor told me about. He son goes there. Not sure if I am actually going to make a change right now. There are pro’s and con’s either way, but I’m thinking through them and putting together a list of questions and have targeted 5 schools that I want to look at and talk with. All but the one takes kids at 3 I think and three I wanted to look at for elementary school anyway.

It’s funny, my neighbor and I have brief snippets of conversation in passing out front and have been talking about setting something to go out and talk about what she has learned about going through the whole school processes around here and trying to get her son into a local charter school…in addition to all of her pre-school research. The funny thing is that we finally got it set up and have had more success communicating via email. It just struck my funny bone that she’s on her computer and I’m on mine and we are right across the street from each other. Ahhh, modern times….

I need to get a better memory. I keep telling myself…thou shalt not forget your progesterone again this cycle. Now, all I have to actually do is not forget to remember. :)

ps. I am not impressed with the new word processor on new laptop which seems to loose all formatting including paragraph breaks when copying and pasting into blogger. I’ll have to figure something better out since this is annoying.

Just really pissed of!

Work is really, really, really pissing me off right now. I’m so pissed that I can’t even concentrate or even be bothered to work at the moment. We have new leaders that are trying to change the focus and intent of our group and are planning on replacing our main boss, presumably because they don’t think he is qualified. And, they want organizations changes and people movement to happen without an f’ing plan or strategy. There is no comprehension that without basic criteria in place for making resourcing decision there can be HR/Legal issues. I actually feel sorry for my boss because he is basically caught in the middle being told 1) execute 2) regardless of what you do we are replacing you. I don’t blame him for being out on vacation all last week and going out again on Friday for another week plus, I don’t. Just make the hard decision that say we are going to cut people and leaders…go find another job…and be done with it. Have a back bone. I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day, but for now. I’m pissed.

And, I decided I can’t be bothered to get a P4 test today and wondering why the hell I ever bought 10 more vials when I am really past thinking that having another bio child is going to happen for me and I am just setting myself up for another year of the sucky ass ttc process.

And, had a major physical battle with Max this morning trying to get him dressed. He didn’t want to and he needs to be dressed and ready by 8:30 on Tuesday’s to make his “class” because it starts at 9 and they won’t let you in late.

And, I asked Noimi to have Max back by 4 ish so that he had time to swim in the pool this afternoon before dinner and she still isn’t back and I know it is because she doesn’t want to get in the pool with him.

Basically, I am just pissed off and everyone and everything at the moment. I really feel like having a nice glass or two or three of alcohol. I’ve got a nice wine fridge of good quality reds sitting there that I haven’t touched this year. And, I’m in another f’ing 2ww so feel like I can’t. Not that I actually think this cycle worked (because again, I think I am just on a long futile path that I can’t stop right now), but if something happened like I got another miracle pregnancy and then either m/c or there were development issues I would never forgive myself..

So, I’ll just be pissed off for awhile and get over it. Not enough time to even go for a work out or hike or something even if I wanted at this point.

Too Laid Back?

Me thinks I may be a tad too laid back and relaxed about this current cycle. Why? Because it is now 3 pm and I just remembered to take my progesterone suppository from 9 am this morning. And, for me, it is not just a precaution. Even with supplementation, my progesterone level is barely high enough to maintain a pregnancy. Sigh…..

I guess the good news is that I’m only 6dpo and I only missed the one (so far) so it will likely only mess up my p4 check if I decided to go donate more blood to the cause tomorrow of which I am still undecided.

But, since I am talking about my cycle, I’ll just point out that if the egg fertilized, it should be out of the fallopian tubes by now, in the uterus, and implantation should be occurring at this point. Just saying….

Books, Books, and More Books (or maybe Max, Max, and more Max)

I mentioned the other day that I have been able to renew my interest and love of books and reading now that Max is older, more independent, and able to play on his own for periods of time. However, I was wrong about being about the start the last book in the Left Behind series. I started it on Saturday morning and was very confused. I didn’t get past the first page before I did a quick internet search and realized that there was one more book between the one I last read and the one I had just started. Luckily, browsing the public library web page indicated that it was checked in at a local branch so Max and I headed out to pick it up and I’m about half way into it. Truth be told, I find that it is a getting a bit to preachy with not enough story at this point, but I figure that I may as well finish the series since I am so far into it at this point.

In cue behind that are a few books I just ordered that came in yesterday’s mail and I had a friend give me a whole bag of novels (mostly romance I think) when I need a bit of mind candy interspersed into the reading mix.

One of the books, Reading with Babies, Toddlers and Twos, A guild to choosing, reading, and loving books together, by Susan Straub and KJ Dell’Antonia I read about on the Ask Moxie blog (actually both the books I purchased I read about on that blog) and it intrigued me enough to get it and check it out. The first sentence of the first two paragraphs in Chapter one called to me. “Before life presented you with an actual baby, you had a mental vision: A small, cuddly bundle in a blanket, sucking a finger and nodding off to sleep as she listens to you read.” “Sure, that happens -- about once a year”. It just called to me.

I am letting Max watch more TV/DVD’s and reading to him far less than I ever thought I would as a parent. Sure, Max and I read together, but not for nearly as long as I think we probably should. And, he just goes through phases where he just isn’t interested (with the TV as well as books). I mostly just go with the flow and don’t push too often. I’m really not worried about his vocabulary or comprehension. Both I think are very good.

He is very much a “labeler” if that is a word. He’s always asking “What’s that”. And, will keep asking and asking and asking if I am not paying close enough attention and don’t get it right. Oh, that’s a piece of hair (as opposed to his fingers) let’s say. Or, an ant (as opposed to the sidewalk/cement that is walking on). I know he often asks “what’s that” to objects he already knows just to hear me repeat it and repeat it to him and often he will try to repeat it back to me. If he is in the mood and I ask him, he will go find his Christmas I spy book and find the apple, or train or whatever flipping pages until he finds it. We have an English/Spanish Children’s Dictionary and he can correctly point to more pictures when I say the word, even flipping pages if it isn’t on the one we are looking at until he finds it. Books are incorporated into our day, just not really in the way and manner that I imagined when I had a child. Now that Max is older, we often don’t do the book thing before bed (or a nap on the weekend when I’m putting him down). That actually seems to be the worst time. He’s tired and it’s like he is overloaded and just can’t take the extra thinking and stimulus. On the flip side, mornings are often the best and we can spend up to 20 - 30 minutes browsing books (won’t go so far as to actually say read). I’ve also found that the more rhyme in the book, the less he can tolerate me reading it.

It’s not as if I’m expecting him to sit and look at the pages, or cuddle with me. I’ve given up that expectation long ago. He tells me “No”, “No, No, No” . He actively and vocal protests. If I don’t stop, he comes and takes the book away. My boy, he is not subtle. On a side note, he also does the same thing …the whole no, no, no thing … in the car with the radio. Sadly, it is only rare occasions that I get to listen to music in the car and most often that is only one of his music together cd’s. Yes, I could push it, but it is so clearly not what he wants right then that I feel like I need to respect his wishes. Anyway, I didn’t mean to go on and on, but I’ll be interested to see if I can learn anything and make improvements while reading this book. And, hey, I figure Max seeing me read so often has to help and it has. He does want to touch and feel and page through the books I’m reading. When he asks “What’s that?” I tell him that’s the book momma is reading or if he is touching the words on a page I tell him those are the letters, that make up the words, that tell the story. I use that line a lot.

Thinking about that, I have to laugh because I sing Max a lot of songs and have ever since he was born. Many of them made up, but not all like the ABC’s, but then I always feel compelled to add AEIOU and tell him those are our vowels. LOL. I kid you not.

Anyway, the other book I ordered is called The Dangerous Book for Boys, by Hal Iggulden and Con Iggulden. It is actually a book for a much older boy, but it seemed interesting enough, was only $15 on Amazon, and I didn’t want to forget about it by the time Max was old enough so I purchased it. A quick browse through it and I’m not disappointed. I think, in time, Max will find it interesting. Plus, having it now gives me a chance to read ahead and prepare myself.

I’ve been saying since Max was small that he is going to give me a run for my money and as he gets older, I get more and more sure of that. The kid is smart. I’m no dummy, but I just have this feeling that he is going to be smarter than me and I’m going to have to pay attention and stay on top of things. I’m not talking gift or genius smart. He just seems to be able to piece things together and figure things out well. Sure, he gets frustrated when he’s trying to do something he can’t, but if I show him how to do it once or twice he gets it.

And, his problem solving seems to be decent. We moved his DVD’s up to a higher shelf on the entertainment center because he is tall and has a long enough reach that he could get to them from the ground all of a sudden. I actually don’t mind if he looks at the cases, which he does…studying them like a book in fact…pondering which one he actually wants to watch, but I do not allow him to take them out of the case because as you know they will get scratched and damaged. After this happened a few times while I was working and finding DVD’s on the floor slid under the TV etc and telling Noemi more than once that she could not let Max take them out of the case, she asked if she could move them up and I had no problem with that. Except now, I get an up, up, up, up, up request to stand him on the entertainment unit while he looks and browses and picks. The other day, instead of asking to get up, he went and got a small stool from his bedroom, moved it in front of the entertainment center, and I came in the room to see that he had climbed up himself. Then again, today when my cell phone rang while I was going to the bathroom, I came out to find Max had apparently climbed up the counter drawers and was sitting on the counter where the cell phone was, having gotten distracted by other things on the counter after the phone stopped ringing (and not the sharp knives blocks that sit up there thank goodnes). No, what interested him was the Children’s Benadryl and Infant Tylenol I had sitting there, properly closed so he didn’t actually get into them. But, he did hand me the Benadryl saying “more, more, more” and when I told him he didn’t need any medicine, he started scratching this rash he has had on his leg saying owie. I had already been wondering if he was having an allergic reaction to something because of the rash and a runny nose. I think it is unlikely that he really does understand yet what Benadryl is for and more than likely he just really likes the taste, but it was almost nap time and I figured it wouldn’t hurt and could help (and it did) so I gave him some. See that’s what I mean about keeping me on my toes and that is just one example of many.

Since I seem to be doing a big Max update post and have already mentioned several examples about how he really knows his mind and what he wants and doesn’t want. Here is another example, we went to Trader Joes after to library to pick up a few things. They had a display of soft pretzels and Max was just sure he wanted them (even though he has never had them before to my knowledge) so to keep the peace since I dragged him out to the library and it was getting close to lunch, I got them for him and let him eat some while waiting in to check out and in the car. Sure enough, he loved them. He had more with/after dinner asking for “more, more, more” several times.

And, it is funny to hear Max say things and wonder where he picked that up and then realize it was me. For example, he has started to say, “No, mmmm mmmm” (hard to type that sound and the inflection in it) and shake his head and I couldn’t figure it out until I realized that I do that to him. Oh, my wonderful sponge.

Another funny from the day is about moles. A few weeks ago, he asked what this bump on my stomach is and it is a mole. He was very intrigued by that, can clearly say the word and has asked to see it a few times. This morning he was climbing all over me and my back and came across another mole on my neck and another on my chest. He kept touching them and saying mole, mole, mole. Later in the day, after his nap* he wanted to go swimming and it was already shady enough that I just stripped him down naked. He pointed to his chest and said “mole”. I laughed and told him he didn’t have any moles, only momma had moles, and he put his finger right on his nipple. I explained that wasn’t a mole, but a nipple and labeled his and mine a few times showing him. He nodded, then moved on.

* Another Max knows his own mind story. Max woke up crying from his nap today, which is pretty rare. When I got him out of the crib, he wanted to be cuddled a bit and then slid out of my arms from the rocking chair …to read books actually …and when I asked him if he wanted his sleep sack/blanket off, I was told no, mmm mmm with the head shaking and all (and normally he is asking for it off, off, off before he is even taken out of the crib. The kid wanted it on until he decided he wanted to go swimming at least 30 - 40 min. later. Other than being a bit concerned he would fall and crack his head open on the tile floor while trying to walk in what amounts to a sleeping bag, I couldn't see the harm and let it go.

And then, there was the small styrofoam container of grapes left from our lunch out after church that he climbed on the counter to get this afternoon when he was hungry prompting me to look at the clock and realize I should give him dinner. I went to throw it out once the grapes were gone, but no, mmm mmm. Apparently, he was not done with it yet and used it to hold his precious soft pretzel for the rest of the night and it is still sitting upside down on the coffee table as I type. I’ll probably leave it and give him his morning snack in it now, just because he seemed so attached.

I’ve thought on more than one occasion recently that it would be really hard for Max to have a sibling right now or to be a younger sibling or a twin…not so much because he would have to share me as much as I could not be as accommodating to him and his needs as I am right now. He seems to really need it. It reduces the amount of tantrums around here and I figure why be a stickler about things I could care less about and save my hard stance for those things that really matter to me like safety issues, hitting, or taking a DVD out of its case.

I guess this ended up being more about Max than the books, but I guess I haven’t really went on and on and on about him in awhile. While I do find this stage a bit mind numbing, I also find it a lot of fun and interesting because he can do so much more. He (just like all kids I’m sure) just has so much personality right now. I also find it interesting to watch his solo play where he rides his cars through his little people farm and takes the animals from his farm for a ride on his bus and how he figures things out.

He dumped is wooden blocks yesterday and was sorting through them (hasn’t really ever been into building or stacking yet). I was reading or on the computer or something and he starts yelling choo choo. I said, train? Not knowing what he was talking about and he got up, showed me the block, which did, in fact, have a choo choo train on it. He was so happy.

I guess I could go on an on tonight about him tonight. He’s had me laughing this weekend about how into the Little Einstein’s he is….pat, pat, pat, pat…BLAST OFF. In fact, physically, he is trying to do what he sees just as much as verbally he is trying to copy what he hears. But, I’ll stop. For now…. REALLY!

Wiped

TGIF! I’m so glad that it is Friday. It has been a really long week and I can’t tell you how glad I am that it is over.

I dropped my cousin’s daughter off at the airport this afternoon and got teary eyed as I gave her a last hug goodbye as she boarded the plane. It will probably sound really, really mean, but the tears were of relief not sadness. She was homesick off and on the entire time with the worst of it being Wednesday. I won’t get into a lot of details because I have already vented to a friend and I’m too tired to get into it. Let’s just say a major temper tantrum on her part made worse by how her parents handled the situation made me once again thankful I decided to parent (or at least start a family) solo.

I’m just so glad to be back to my little family and a kid who is reasonable easy going and goes to bed at 7 pm.

I’m typing this on my new laptop. While waiting at the airport getting irritated (but trying to not let it show) that C wanted a $3 bagel after I had asked her several times to eat a good lunch before we left and had her pack some grapes and “fish” in case she got hungry (not the money, the principle) and browsing the paper, I saw an ad for an inexpensive ($400) laptop on sale from a local electronics store. I’ve been keeping my eye open for awhile, but hadn’t seen what I wanted for what I wanted to pay (not much) since I really only want it for wireless internet connectivity for the living room and backyard. The sale that includes a rebate on top of that is only for this weekend so I ran out and got it before putting Max down. And, here I am with a basic laptop connected to the internet from where ever I want to be in my house. Yeah!
Max is finally starting to “play” with things other than balls and really doesn’t need or want my full attention quite a bit of the time, but he wants me around. I have found this stage to be incredibly mind numbing mixed with moments of pure joy and fun and a bit of dread when a terrible two type attitude quickly emerges and disappears. As a result, I have rediscover my love of reading. I’ve been making my way through the Left Behind series after watching a really interesting news special a few months ago that talked about the books and how a lot of the technology and situations needed to set up the prophesies are not win place. I had previously read up through book 8 and re-read those and about to start the last one this weekend. With the new laptop, I’ll now have another handy diversion to keep my sane while I appreciate the fact that my child can and is now interested in driving cars, buses, trains, and boats all over the house and yard, engrossed in his little people farm, boat, and truck, discovering sidewalk chalk, etc.

And, maybe I’ll be better about posting to my blog. I just really haven’t had time during the day and am so sick of my office at the end of the day that I haven’t wanted to go back in there after Max is down for the night.

In fertility news, I had another IUI on Tuesday and in yet another 2ww. I had actually ovulated prior to the IUI. My guess is only an hour before, but this is the second month in a row that the follicle was gone prior to the 36 hours and I don’t really like it. I’m not really worried about timing and likely won’t even ask to move up my next IUI (confident this one worked, huh?) because the egg typically lasts 24 hours while frozen sperm is only supposed to last about 12 hours. So, even if I had ovulated at 30 hours, if the egg quality decent the timing should be fine. It is just a new trend that I don’t like. I guess it is possible that I missed my surge, but think that is pretty unlikely, especially two months in a row. Hey, being wiped out and lack of time/energy, if good for anything, has kept me for stressing or researching it to death.

Speaking of lack of time and energy and things it hasn’t been good for…my eating. My carb and sugar intake really has been quite bad this week. And, I can really feel it. I need to get back on track. I must. On the way back from the airport I stopped for some basic groceries and didn’t get the chips, cookies, ice cream that I was craving. Can’t eat what’s not in the house. Max and I have no actual plans this weekend with a few errands that could be done, but likely won’t get done. I can’t wait. It is much needed.

Gosh, my kid is so darn cute. We got in the big pool almost every night after work this week, except for tonight since I had to rush out and get this nifty laptop. I just sat on the side in short and let him get in naked to play on the steps. He loved it. I think we are going to have a fun summer.

Okay, time to drink a bunch of water, take my vitamins, and distress before climbing between the sheets. I am so tired…and thirsty (which is not good since as the saying goes by the time you feel thirsty you are already dehydrated).

Yes, I know I am repeating myself, but I am just so darn worn out, wiped out, and depleted at the moment that I’m so glad for not only the weekend, but a nice quiet weekend at that.
TGIF!

-2 and other random thoughts

Now that we are two days away from Friday, I’m a bit past the stress and shock of spending about 8k in one day. Three went to much needed tree removal and trimming in my back yard before the roots destroyed my cinderblock fence (already starting to crack it), my patio, and possibly the pool. I’ve needed to do it for a year or so now, but haven’t wanted to part with the money. However, it got to the point where it would be more money to fix the problems caused by having the trees removed than by removing them in the first place. The rest went to the purchase of 10 more vials of my donor. Yes, 10, along with a year of storage.

I currently have 3 vials of sperm at my clinic and now have 10 at the bank for a total of 13. One will get used on Tuesday. Trigger tonight/this morning at 2:30 am…lovely… for an IUI on Tuesday afternoon. By normal standards (read for anyone else) I would have been told to trigger Friday night for a Sunday IUI since my follicle was at 20 during my u/s. But, I said, lets push it because 1) the last two times I got pregnant (with Max and m/c a year ago this month) my follicle was at 24 at the day of trigger 2) it really, really, really would have been a pain in the ass to get an IUI this weekend. I would have had to call the embryologist cell phone so she could meet me at the clinic to give me the sperm, then drive to OC for the IUI since my normal office isn’t open but the OC one is this weekend, then back to drop of the tank. Two much trouble and drama and I seriously thought about just letting the egg go (even though it COULD be the good one) if it looked like I could push it. I’ve been supposed to be checking OPK’s to make sure I don’t/haven’t surged, but I have been very lazidasical about it and didn’t check at all on Friday or most of Saturday. I guess I should check tonight before bed, but not feeling inspired.

Anyway, best case scenario is that this cycle is the magic cycle and next February I have another child. Now, wouldn’t that just be great. But, as you can imagine, since I just bought 10 more vials, I’m not counting on it. My current plan, since my FSH was back down to 6.5* this month and I am getting at least one follicle a month is to take the perseverance route just throw sperm at an egg in either low stim or no stim cycles until I’m down to 2 remaining vials and then move to DE. I figure if I don’t get pregnant in 11 tries, I will likely be ready to move on. I’m already past farthest spread I would have had like children (wanted them no more than 2 years apart) so have decided to take that pressure off of myself and just keep plugging along until it works, I can’t stand the process anymore and give up, my ovaries just plain die out and don’t produce anything anymore, or I run out of sperm.

I really wasn’t planning on buying 10 vials, but 1) my donor hasn’t been donating in years, is only offered to women for a sibling attempt since he has reached is maximum child limit, the clinic is cleaning up it’s old storage and has said that at a certain point it will destroy all but a few remaining vials that may be needed for future testing, and I’ve been worried that someone will come and buy him out since there is so little left 2) when I called to see how much was left and place an order, I was told that the rates were going up effective June 1st by almost $100 a vial. So, I thought about my plan, put 6 on hold, pondered things for a few days, and called back on Friday and ordered 10. I gulped at the cost, but figured that it is still a hell of a lot cheaper than a donor egg cycle. And, maybe, just maybe I’ll get a payout…like winning the lottery, but better…one of these months.

In other news, I got a card in the mail from my OB yesterday. It read, “Dear Debbie, If I haven’t been vocal enough I wanted to sincerely than you for your generous contributions to the children’s education fund. I hope our relationship is lifelong that we may always remember his sincerity and love. Sincerely, xxxxx (her first name)”. Now, she already sent me a thank you card. And, I was never a personal friend of either Dr. P or Dr. N in that I never did anything social with them, but I was always very, very fond of both. Come on, Dr. N helped my get pregnant with Max and Dr. P helped deliver him. It is only because of Dr. N and the education he gave me while he was still alive that allows me to continue this ttc path, basically make my own protocols, and move forward. If he had just been an ordinary RE, I’d never be able to do it. If I am able to have a second child, probably, I will name that child after Dr. N. I’ve thought a lot about it. If it is a girl, Nora. I’m still pondering a boy name. Anyway, I’m digressing again. I’m not sure how to respond to the card. Dr. P KNOWS how fond I was of Dr. N. In fact, when I last saw Dr. P a month or so ago to get my referral for the mammogram/breast ultrasound, she made a comment about how she feels like we both lost our husband. The comment made me a bit uncomfortable for a few reasons and assured her that my loss as Dr. N’s patient could never ever compare to her loss, but that I would always miss and remember him and we had a really nice conversation about him. With this card, I’m not sure if and how to respond. I feel like maybe she is reaching out as a friend? Maybe she wants to cross that patient/friendship bond? Someone who would be happy to talk about how wonderful Dr. N was and how much we miss him? I actually really like her and could see us being friends, maybe not best bosom buddies, but friends. Logistically, it would be a challenge with the normal stuff and she lives in the same town as pretty much every really good friend and the core of my SMC support network..which is at least 45 minutes away one way. How I would love to move closer if only I could afford it, which I can’t right now. Anyway, I’m digressing again. I’ll have to ponder this a bit. She really didn’t seem upset at all when Max crank phone called her at 7:30 am from my cell phone a few weeks ago (think I posted about that?). I guess I’ll get back to that best case scenario on this cycle in that I get pregnant and have a good reason to see a bunch of her soon. Otherwise, I think I have a pap this summer and will see her then and take it from there. As I said, I’ll need to ponder it a bit.

As has happened last time I sat down to do a quick post, it has ended up being much longer than planned. I didn’t realize I had that much to say. Well, I better go try to get some sleep so I can wake up in the middle of the night to stab myself with a needle. Ho hum, just another shot, in another cycle, that I have had to work not to forget.

ps. Did you notice the nice “supported” boobs in the photo of Max and I from the aquarium last weekend? As you can see, wearing my new braziers. I’m much fonder of the no wire support ones, not only as a matter of principle, but because they also seem to fit better. To bad I can’t take the other ones back and trade them in. For the record, I was wearing the non under wire support one that day. I was very happy to see that my boobs actually looked bigger than my stomach in that picture. Really, I need to get pregnant since I already look that way. I did a quick grocery run this afternoon ($90 later, how does that happen) to get fixings for dinner while my mom watched Max and Carolyn (my cousin’s daughter who is visiting for 10 days) and I was asked if I wanted help out to the car. I’m sure the guy thought I was pregnant. I’m choosing not to dwell on that and depress myself.

* I guess I never did get around to posting my labs? I know I thought about it, but not sure I ever actually got around to it. I guess I’ll have to check and post them if not.

Max, Max, and More Max...and a ttc update

It seems like so much is going on and I have so much that could be said, but I haven’t had the time, energy, and motivation. Max was just awful this morning. It was so bad that it is hard to describe and had me in tears (which is hard to do most of the time) by the end. It was so bad, that it is a good reminder and makes me appreciate how good I have it most of the time. He basically had a 45 – 60 minute tantrum over pretty much everything. He didn’t want his sleep blanket off. He didn’t want his diaper changed. He didn’t want his milk. He did want raisins, but didn’t want me to help him get them out or put them in a bowl. And, on and on and on. He was inconsolable. He didn’t throw himself on the ground kicking and screaming, but he did run around the house crying and flailing. It reminded me of that time after his second set of shots where nothing could calm him down. This is just so out of character for him that I just stood there in amazement looking at him half the time. It got so bad that towards the end and I was at a loss, I just picked him up and put him in his crib. Which got him even angrier, but seemed to be the trigger that ultimately got him calmed down. He just clung to me when I put him in the crib so I took him out and rocked him with his blanket which calmed him for a few minutes. Then, he calmed down and left the room so I got up to follow, which caused another whole tantrum with him basically telling me no, he wanted me to sit/stay in the chair in his room (fine, I didn’t really want to be around him anyway at that point) so he goes into the other room, brings the bag of raisins back and throws them at me getting all upset again. I’m still a bit in shock over it. I ignored that and just scooped him and his blanket up, hugged him tight, told him how much I loved him and started singing to him. I guess he finally wore himself out, couldn’t calm himself down, and this helped trigger it. So, 20 minutes of me calming singing, and two times watching Baby Neptune (which is the water video that is very calming and soothing to him and used whenever I really need him to wind down and/or calm down) rocking in my lap with his blanket and he was back to normal. Just awful. Thank goodness he is normally a pretty even keeled even tempered guy. I really don’t know what triggered it per se other than his sleep pattern was disrupted last night by a friend who stopped delaying his bedtime. No wonder I am so diligent about his sleep routine.

In other Max news, I showered yesterday morning before Max’s nanny was here. It wasn’t too long, but long enough to wash my hair which adds at least 5 minutes on to a shower and was surprised that Max hadn’t wondered in, hung over the side of the tub, and/or tried to climb in. When I got out, I called out to him asking what he was doing and I got the response of “agua” (water) back. I thought crap, did he get into Shadow’s water bowl? What kind of a mess am I going to have to clean up? So, I did a quick dry and popped out to check on him. He had climbed into the kitchen sink and was playing with the faucet. I just had to laugh. My guess is that he used the dishwasher door as leverage and was able to pull/climb himself up and in…thankfully without hurting himself and thankfully into the sink that didn’t have the dishes including two sharp knives in it.

In still other Max news, I talked to the teacher of Max’s gymnastics mommy and me class this morning that he takes on Wednesday mornings with Noemi. It was very interesting to hear how different Max is in that class. She was concerned that he wasn’t getting anything out of the class and that Noemi basically lets him run around doing whatever he wants with very little talking and interaction. She was concerned because he wasn’t talking to which I started laughing in surprise because he talks a lot and quite well around me. She was very happy to hear that. He mostly speaks in English but is starting to say a few Spanish words like aqua (water), ocho (8), si (yes), manyana sp? (tomorrow). In the course of the conversation, I mentioned about how much he seemed to like the class and how he comes home and practices his summersaults and balance beam and stuff. It was her turn to be surprised because I guess he doesn’t actually do these in the class so she didn’t think he was getting anything out of it. She kept talking about Max wanting to go off and not be with the group (like this was a big problem/concern) and I asked her at what age appropriate for that to which she admitted that it was a big range and that a lot of kids struggled with that. I reminded her that Max wasn’t even two yet and I didn’t think it was realistic for him to “sit still” in a group just yet. The biggest impression that I got was that Noemi just lets Max do whatever he wants (which I don’t really have a huge problem with in general) and that she often won’t follow or chase after him (which could be a safety concern in that type of situation). We agreed to keep more in contact and I may try to go to a class or two if I can just to see how things are going The problem is that with me going, it just changes the whole dynamic so I won’t see what she sees. I also think she felt better to know that Max actually can talk and that he actually is getting something out of the class even if she doesn’t see the evidence yet. Amazing how he can be so different. I don’t really perceive him as shy, but that’s what it sounded like.

In ttc related news, I am cycling. I went in on cd2 (last Friday) for a baseline and had a follicle already at 10.5 on the left so we scrapped the planned protocol added some (1.5 amps) meds to help it along with the hopes I would have an IUI before the long weekend. Went back yesterday (Tuesday) for a follicle check and it had only grown to 15 so no IUI this week. I’ll go in for an u/s on Friday early afternoon to see how things look and see if I can push things off for a Tuesday IUI. I kind of wish I had just let it go and not cycled, but too late now so I’ll deal with it. After all, this one could be the good egg.

Not that anyone other than me is keeping track, but it was a year ago this month that I got pregnant/miscarried the last time. It has already been a year. That has been weighing on my mind and on my emotions. The baby would be 3 months now and I would be looking at going back to work after maternity leave. Gosh, it has been a long hard year, a long hard 15 months now, trying for a second child. I feel worn to my bone. I really don’t want to do it anymore. Yet, I want another child. That desire is still strong enough to keep me going. I flop between moving to DE sooner rather than later and to the other extreme, doing IUI’s for another 6 – 8 months before moving on. To that end, I may buy a lot more of my donor this month before the rates go up. He hardly has any vials left. I figure it will be worth 3K for the insurance as opposed to 35 – 40K for a DE cycle. I just haven’t yet called to officially spend the money yet.

Max and I after a visit to the aquarium last weekend.

Max looking so darn grown. What happened to my baby?

yet another cd1

Today is yet another cd1. I didn’t really think I had a lot invested in this last cycle since it was a relatively low cost, unplanned, unmedicated one. But, I’ve been moody and all over the map since I got the offical negative. One minute thinking of just giving up and being happy with Max as an only child, the next thinking about moving to donor egg sooner rather than later, the next thinking about going on BCP’s for timing and to work on reducing my insulin level and weight, the next making active plans to cycle.

I talked to Dr. A last night about a protocol. He agreed that an oral/inj. cycle would probably be my next best step although he thinks I should try Letrozol again instead of Clomid and do 3 amps of injectibles instead of 1 or 2. I’m fine with his adjustments. I’m going in for labs tomorrow just to see what they look like and then to see if I can get in for a baseline u/s tomorrow afternoon. Back in the saddle again. Hee haw.

I’ve been doing some pampering. I was able to get in for a massage on Tuesday afternoon which was great and just what I needed and on the way back opted for a Gyros and low fat low carb frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. I saw my acupuncturist today and got another little back massage back pressure points.

Work also has me a bit down lately. We are going through another period of pretty big change. Depending on how things turn out, some of the end result I will probably like and could be good for me professionally or they could not be so much. Some of which I probably won’t like either way. No matter what I’m going to have a new boss. Depending on who that person is and how much I like or don’t working for them, it may be time to move on and look for something else. We will see.

Max is great. He finds spraying/trying to spray pour water outside the tub just hilarious. Okay, I know it is my reaction that he finds funny, but I can’t not react to it. He gets one, maybe two warnings and then water is off or bath is over. Anytime his diaper is off, he is fascinated with peeing. He’s desire to actually pee in the toilet has taken a back burner to peeing on the floor, in the tub, or pretty much wherever he can. When he gets out of the tub, he hurls himself at me with his knees and feet up in a ball and refuses to stand so I can dry him off until I pick him up and move him to the other side of the bathroom. He finds it quite funny to hurl himself at me when I am distracted. He’s been sleeping great, but been in a bit of a home body mode not wanting to go for walks. I’ve been able to lure him out at least a bit in the morning with raisins. But in the evening, I’ve just let him hang out and then walk Shadow out front after Max is in his crib. Sadly, Shadow has been fine with this change as well and I’m the only one a bit out of sorts and missing it.

My friend that is battling breast cancer has really been having a hard time with the chemo and feeling crappy. She’s cancelled a few lunch plans we had in favor of a nap instead, which I am completely fine with and understand, but wish she didn’t have to suffer so. Her mom has been here for the last 2 months helping out and left today. She was telling me that a few weeks ago she was so tired and weak she fell asleep on the couch downstairs. They were trying to keep the kids away from her with little success and her mom tried to get her to go up to her bed, but she just weakly replied that she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She was feeling that bad and that tired. I called to check in on her today to see how she was doing without her mum and was happy that I actually caught her and that she sounded better than she has since before her mastectomy. Six more weeks of chemo for her then a few months of radiation.

I can’t believe that Memorial Day Weekend is coming up so fast. I’m going away on a short mine-vacation to my friends family’s beach house and I can’t wait.

I found out that I only have 3 vials of sperm left. I thought I had at least 5. I’m going to call to see if I even could get more if I wanted. That’s one of the reasons I’m thinking of moving to DE sooner. We will see. Ha, maybe this cycle will work. Yet, I kind of feel like it is really hopeless and I am just going through the motions because I don’t know how or when to quite. Then, I get a little hope and think that maybe it really will work this time and that it can’t work unless I try. I’m not the Virgin Mary and I will not have an immaculate conception.

Max and I both seem to be over the hurdle of that 6 – 8 week cold/cough marathon we had going and I think we are both feeling better and have more energy. I also am back to not sleeping that great. I guess it is a good news, bad news deal. While I’m not getting that much sleep, I’m also not really that tired and not missing it either most of the time. Max is sleeping great. I shouldn’t jinx myself by putting that in writing but he is going down well, sleeping through the night and waking up around 5:30 – 6 am…except for the day earlier in the week where he slept for 12 hours one night and then didn’t nap. I hated that day. I got gypped out of my nice morning time with him since he was sleeping and then got gypped out of any type of quality evening time with him because he was so tired and crabby he couldn’t see straight. But, other than that day, things are going really, really well.

I’ve doing a modified South Beach. I haven’t cut out carbs entirely like they recommend for the first few weeks, but I have really reduced them and making sure I have good carbs. I had (notice the had) lost about 2.5 – 3 lbs under the slow and steady route. Last might was dinner with mom night and we ended up ordering pizza for dinner. Not only did this apparently screw up the progress I had made with my IBS, I was back up 2 lbs this morning. I’m secretly hoping that it is fluid retention water weight due to the onset of my period. My f’ing body can be so f’ing unforgiving on things like this. It makes me just want to give in and throw in the towel, but I know that is not the answer. I’ve been having to do some positive self talk and avoidance by burying myself in a book to keep from getting too down on myself and over emotional. Yada Yada Yada

Life goes on. With all of its ups and downs and highs and lows. Just seems like there have been way more lows than highs lately.

Officially Negative

As much as I was hoping otherwise, this cycle is officially a bust. Damn!

Can't Sleep

Ugh. I can't sleep. Last night I had trouble falling asleep and then woke up at 2 am and now can't go back to sleep. I'm so going to pay tomorrow with a long day planned. I have a full morning of meetings and it is election day. For those who may not have followed my story long, my garage is the polling place for my local precinct. A local city election where there is a battle of a school board position so the inspector will be here at 6 to finish setting up before the pools open at 7 and don't close until 8 pm. The earliest the poll workers are out of here is 9 pm.

Am I? Am I not? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Those thoughts and others just keep rattling and rolling around in my brain. A little over 12 hours ago I gave the blood that will give me the quantitative results....the results that are ready and just waiting for a new work day to be delivered. Oh, I was doing so well with this whole 2ww this time until now. I keep telling myself to be patient, only a little more waiting, hang in there, the results aren't going to change either way.

Okay, off to check out a few web sites and then back to bed. Maybe the cereal and milk will help relax me enough. Maybe I should take a warm bath. Sadly, too late for a tylenol PM or something.

Am I? Am I not? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe

Blood has been donated to the cause for yet another beta, but not until late today so even with a STAT, I will not know until tomorrow. I really have no idea if this throw away unplanned, unmedicated cycle worked or not. I’m stuck on maybe. Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t. I seriously thought about going out to get an HPT, but decided I couldn’t be bothered and not to add additional stress. The reasons I think it may have worked is that I have felt a lot of twinges and pulls like I have only felt when pregnant and I took two solid naps this weekend which really has only happened when pregnant and after Max was born. Of course, I haven’t been sleeping great at night. I’ve either been having trouble falling asleep or waking up at 2 or 3 am and not able to fall back to sleep while pondering life and thinking maybe, maybe, maybe. Of course, I also am feeling crampy like I am going to start my period today. I’ve been bloated and “swollen”, especially in the boob area, but also have had too much sodium lately and probably not enough water. Basically, symptoms are inconclusive in my mind. I’m waiting for the qualitative beta results, which I could have had today if I missed any number of back to back work meetings for most of the day. Way back in the beginning, I would have. I just didn’t have it in me today. If would have been more work and harder to try to go earlier than it was worth. So, I wait until tomorrow while thinking in the back of my mind….maybe, maybe, maybe….could I be so lucky to finally not only get pregnant, but also get another child out if this….because…you know….a positive beta is only the very first toll gate. It gets you to the next step. Yes, I will be thrilled, but also cautious. And, the flip side of yes, is no. It could just be yet another negative. Likely, it is another negative. Yet, the changes are greater than zero. It is possible. Which brings me full circle back to maybe.

Penises

For most of my pregnancy with Max, I thought I was having a girl. I had three u/s that indicated a girl. I had a name picked out – Audrey Elizabeth. It wasn’t until I was about 30 weeks along at a follow up visit with the perinatologist that I found out that she was really a he. I was so sure I was having a girl, but completely fine when I found out that it was a boy. Besides coming up with a name (was going to call him Zachary Edward until after he was born when I changed to Max within minutes of meeting him), the question of circumcision or not was the biggest point to ponder. It didn’t really take me long after I got over the surprise and told family and friends to stop sending the girl stuff, start sending the boy stuff. I elected to keep him “intact” as it were. I really don’t have strong opinions (unlike some) one way or another. But, felt like it was an unnecessary procedure and he didn’t have a father or brother to “be like”. However, his only male cousin is also uncircumcised as brother in law. Lack of any other reason, I left things as they were.

Which makes the following story ironic in a way….

A few weeks ago my sister and her kids were here for a visit. I was giving Max a bath and one of his girl cousins got in with him and was playing, but Max’s youngest cousin…his only male cousin didn’t. My sister thought this out of character for him (he’s 5) and asked him about it. J said that he didn’t want Max to see his penis because it was different. My sister asked what he meant. J told her like xxx (a friend of J’s from school) has a circle around it. She really had no idea that J had seen xxx’s penis or that he had even realized there could be difference. She told J, that no, Max’s penis was just like his and didn’t have a ring around it. Upon this assurance, J took off is clothes and joined into the tub fun, having a good ole time long after Max and his sister had moved on.

Isn’t that funny? I guess his cousin was able to take comfort in the “sameness” long before Max.

In other penis news, I was cooking breakfast this morning when Max came running down the hall trying to pull of his diaper and pants saying “poo poo, poo poo”. What’s a mamma to do? I pulled the pan off the stove, turned off the stove, followed him into the bath room, and helped him get on the toilet. Alas, no poo poo’s, but he did pee in the toilet. He was so proud. He did the same thing to Niomi yesterday afternoon. Last night after she left, he was in the baby pool (he was naked) and he got out quickly and had a poop on the grass. He seemed upset by this. I didn’t make a big deal, just cleaned up his bum and then got a poo poo bag (like I do for Shadows stuff) and picked it up and moved on. I didn’t think that kids were ready to potty train until they were 3 or something. So, I’m not pushing anything, but hey, if he asks, or goes running past, calling poo poo while pulling off his diaper, I’m happy to help. It does seem like he is trying to work this all out though.

Braziers

I have never been very fond of wearing a bra. I have been known to go without whenever possible even at times when I really shouldn’t. I’m not big into fashion and most often am a sloppy dresser. I live in fear that someone will nominate me for What Not To Wear as I am sure I break every fashion rule out there. It just doesn’t really interest me. It isn’t a priority in my life. Most often my clothes choice is made the morning of based on weather, comfort, and what’s on top. But, I digress….

The day before my recent trip while out running errands, I decided I really must stop by Nordstrom’s and get fitted by one of their specialists and get a few bra’s that actually fit. Prompted in part by my fishing my one and only official nursing bra out of the rag bag. Upon looking at it, I can see why it had been placed there, but it was all cotton, no under wires, no frills and so darn comfortable. I have since sadly parted with that bra, but kept a few other old favorites that cover, are comfortable, and offer absolutely no support.

After trying on numerous bra’s, I found two I liked, felt reasonably comfortable, held up the saggy ole breasts. One without a wire and one with. I bought two of each kind for a total of 4 new bra’s. I tend to wear the wireless ones a bit more, but have been doing fine with them. Until the last few days that is….

It must be my sky high progesterone level this month, but …my word…my breasts must be a size or two bigger and these bra’s are just flat uncomfortable. They are not sore or tender, just swollen. I took my bra off mid day yesterday. Thankfully, I work from home full time and can do this with only me, Max, and Max’s nanny being any wizer on most days. I just had to free myself today. I couldn’t take it. I guess I will just have to go with the unfashionable, droopy, braless boob look today.

I hope I remember to put it back on before rushing out to my acu appointment this afternoon since this one has me strip to bra’s and panties for treatment.

Speaking of remembering…I remembered to take my progesterone, dex, and folic acid this morning within an hour or so of target time, which has been a huge problem for me this cycle. Forgot to pick up refill of Pre-natal so must do that today while out. And, have continued to have uterine twinges and cramping. Who knows if that is a good or a bad sign at this point. Four days until beta.

Progesterone Results

My P4 number was 10.9. I’m thrilled with that. Really and truly. I have to say that this is the best ever 7 dpo P4 number I have ever had. Makes one wonder if maybe this cycle actually did work. Wouldn’t that just be the best? After all the struggles the last 14 months trying for a second to work on an unplanned, unmedicated cycle. Hey, I’d take it. Of course, I did add back in the acupuncture this time in preparation for cycling. And, I’m sure psychosomatic, but I have been feeling uterine “twinges” ever since I got the results. Ah, only 5 more days until beta. And, no, I will not be pee’ing on a stick. Hate them. Don’t believe in them. Never got a positive HPT until after I got a positive beta.

Around

I’ve been around, but haven’t really been posting because I really haven’t had much to say. Max and I have had one cold after another it seems like going on 7 – 8 weeks now. We have gone through two of the big Kleenex tissue’s from Costco. No, not two box’s. Two times however many boxes are in a package (8? 12?).

I had the most relaxing weekend since way before Max. I guess we both hit the wall and he didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere, so we didn’t. Shadow got one walk around the block about mid morning each day (after I lured Max into the stroller with raisins) and walked in front of the house after Max was in his crib. Other than that, we stayed home and hung out. Max watched more TV (DVD’s) than I ever thought could be possible while he played and snuggled and climbed on and over and around me. I read two full books, around 400 pages each, from Friday night through this morning, while still giving Max all the attention he needed and wanted, doing basics around the house like laundry and dishes and meals. It was kind of amazing. It helped that he took long (almost 4 hour naps) both days while I only took a short nap each day. We spent some time in his little pool that I can fill with warm water and in the back yard Sunday afternoon. We read books. We played cars. Max learned new words like mole, scar, and nipple as my middle section was the body part of focus. While disgusting, he also learned/I demonstrated for him how to “hawk a luegy” after coughing up the same chunk of mucus one too many times, which he found quite entertaining and interesting. Mostly, he sat or climbed on and over and around me watching his shows while I read and we were both happy. Oddly enough, one of his most requested DVD’s or the weekend was Baby Santa which he had previously showed zero interest before. “What’s that?” is still be far his favorite phrase. He is also fond and quite good at the “I Spy” game where I say, Where is x?” and he points to it. It is pretty amazing. He has started to do some baby signs as he is learning to say the word like hat and book that I didn’t even know he knew and we haven’t watched those DVD’s in months. I guess he just had the information stored in there until now.

I haven’t really thought much about next cycle. I guess I am going to just try a clomid low dose injectable cycle with extra drugs I have already if my current last minute throw away one doesn’t work. I stopped taking the meds to help the insulin late last week even though Dr. Q said to only stop if I got a positive beta. Since it is a category C drug, I just didn’t feel comfortable with that while in a 2ww. I have really been watching my carbs and using the South Beach as a model. I didn’t cut them out entirely like they recommend for the first 2 weeks, but I have greatly reduced them.

I did a progesterone test today using an old lab slip. I don’t think anyone in the clinic will mind and I just like to keep tabs. I thought about adding another urinalysis since the other one was contaminated by blood, but decided that I didn’t want to be bothered just now especially with fighting another cold/cough.

Anyway, nothing really new. I think we are both on the mend, but still feeling tired and not quite healthy. I have been feeling so darn crappy and tired lately that I have thought more than once about not trying for a second, but know that this is just a temporary thing.

Also, I had my mammogram and breast u/s last Thursday and am just waiting on the results. I’m sure it is probably all fine, but am happy that it is at least done and I have a baseline.

And, I’m one week down and another to go in the latest 2ww that I have had to work hard at remember to take my meds because I keep forgetting about it. Even though or probably because we did so little this weekend, I am still so darn tired and spent. I wish every day were a non-work day while still having the income that I do.

Labs

No time to completely redo my labs post from the other day, but below are the basics. These were taken on cd3 from earlier in the month.

High
FSH – 11.9. Yes, high, but not as high as last month at almost 20 so I was fine with this.

Insulin – 21 and range was <17 uIU/mL


Low
Inhibin B – Was disappointed in this test as it only gave a range of over 30 (pre-menopausal) or under 30 (post menopausal). Wasn’t thrilled with being in an post menopause category and the fact that it was just a range. I knew I was under 30 (7 at last test), but I wanted to see if it increased at all like my FSH decreased. I’m going to ask that it be retested again on cd3 assuming this latest cycle didn’t work.

Fine
Estradiol – 42

Thyroid Panel
T3 – 27 (25-35%); T4 Total – 8.9 (4.5-12.5 mcg/dL); Free T4 – 2.4 (1.4 -3.8)

Glucose – 76, In Range (65-99 mg/dL)

CBC (Complete Blood Count) – lots of values, all fine

Urinalysis – basically fine, several values were out of range, but I was on cd3 and the sample contained blood, consistent with the findings.

Swimmers On Board

Max and I were up and out of the house very early to walk the dog then to the clinic for my IUI this morning. The sperm motility and such weren’t the best, but they were fine. The timing wasn’t perfect in that I had already ovulated* enough that the follicle was no longer seen, but I think still within an acceptable range that if it was a good egg there is still a chance. I guess since the egg was already there that if fertilization occurred, it would have already occurred by now. And, I’m now in yet another 2 week wait.

I was playing with Max in the spare room yesterday (rather Max was standing on his first climber slide, which has been stored in that room since it rained a few months ago, to reach the TV that is on a tall dresser playing with the buttons – on, off, changing channels, etc. while trying not to be too bored) and I came across a magic 8 ball someone at some point had left. I asked it two questions 1) Am I going to get pregnant this month? The magic 8 ball responded “YES”. 2) Am I going to get a live child as a result of the pregnancy? The m8b responded “Don’t Count On It”. And, there you have it.

I started dex this morning (probably would have started it over the weekend if I had thought about in then) and a drug called Rosiglitazone (which sadly insurance didn’t cover and I have pretty good insurance coverage). The dex is as a precaution since I have gotten pregnant 3 times and miscarried the two times I was not taking dex. Likely due to egg quality issues, but why take the chance. The Rosiglitazone is a drug used for Type 2 Diabetes. I do not have Type 2 Diabetes, but my insulin was a bit high (which you would already know if my lab posted didn’t get lost the other day). High insulin can affect egg quality. The drug is a category 3 drug so I’ll stop it immediately if I do get a positive beta in a few weeks. If not, maybe it will help the egg quality in a future cycle.

Not that I’m going to cancel my mammogram and sonocine breast u/s later this week, but I have decided that I should probably be more worried about heart disease and Type 2 Diabetes than breast cancer. The fine print on the Rosiglitazone (marketed as Avandia) indicates it can worsen heart disease if indicated. The combination of the high insulin, the ligature about the adverse affects, and some minor (very, very minor chest discomfort that I think was probably muscular related to better posture from some new bra’s I purchased and going to the chiropractor last week) has given me the kick I needed to really watch my carb intake and set up a physical to get a baseline. I have been thinking what is the point of having another child if my life is cut short for things within my control. And, Max (and any possible future children whether conceived with my own eggs or not) deserve to have as healthy a parent a possible. I really, really enjoy my carb’s. I’m only two days in and mourning the loss. I really need to get to the grocery store as I am out of almost everything (been weeks and weeks since I have done a big shop). I just keep repeating to myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I’m going to asked to have my Insulin level ** retest when I have my beta to see if there is any downward trend to help keep my motivated.

When I first started this ttc process many, many years ago. I used to get so excited right after an IUI thinking of the possibility. Today, it was just one more thing that needed to get done. I’m not unexcited, but I can’t say I’m hyped up either. Probably, lack of sleep; Max and I having our 4th or 5th cold in about 6 weeks; and less food/carbs isn’t helping.

Funny thing I have realized about 2 ww’s recently though is that they are, for me, much easier now than in the beginning. I have a lot more to occupy me (read a very active toddler) and a more realistic attitude about the odds for each given cycle.

So, the swimmers have already done their job by now or now. And, now we wait.



* I was always so darn paranoid about ovulating early that Dr. N let me come in several times and we did an IUI a day early just in case and I never, not once, ovulated prior to the 36 hour mark. Last month, I was ovulating at the 36 hour mark and could see it on the u/s and this month I had already ovulated. Dr. Q said I had “just” ovulated, but it had to have been longer than that since the follicle had already collapsed. He forgets I know these things.

** My insulin was 21 and in range should be <17 so it was high, but not crazy high. My fasting glucose was middle of the road at 76 and in range is between 65 – 99.

Remember, not cycling

Remember, I’m not cycling this month. That’s why I didn’t call the clinic* on a whim and go in for an u/s yesterday afternoon when I felt a nice plump follicle on the left side. That’s why the u/s I didn’t have didn’t show a 17 mm follicle and a good lining at 10.something. That’s why I didn’t trigger about 10 minutes ago. And, that’s why I won’t be going in for an IUI at 7:15 am Monday morning with Max in toe. Well, you know. I have no self control, that’s why I had to go on BCP’s last month. After all, this month could be the good egg; the one for which I have been waiting. Yes, it’s unlikely, but possible. HAHAHAHA, yeah, not cycling. Hey, if this one works, it will be the first time I’ve ever gotten pregnant on an unmedicated cycle. Yes, yes, I know, it’s unlikely. But possible.

I did a post up the other day going through all of my labs and what’s been going on since I last posted, but apparently – sadly-- that post is lost without ever having been published. And, since Max woke up at 3:30 am soaked completely through and never went back to sleep, I’m wiped out and going to pick up a bit and then crash.

* I heart my clinic. When I called to see if they had any doc’s in late on a Friday afternoon and if they had any openings for an u/s, they laughed told me yes Dr. Q was in; no they didn’t have any openings; but get here when I get here and they would fit me in. I love that kind of service. I really do.

Not Cycling

I’m not cycling this month. I’m not. Although I did have a brief thought of trying to get in early next week after our trip to see if anything is growing. I probably won’t because I think I still have a cyst or two left over from my last cycle in spite of being on BCP’s for a month.

Even though I’m not cycling, I did cd3 labs today and a bunch of other things. Well, you know, just because. A total of 8 tests.

I also saw Dr. P today. First time since Dr. N’s funereal. It was a bit hard and we both got teary eyed. I went in because I had heard that breast u/s were better than mammograms and my friends cancer was discovered by an u/s, not a mammogram. It turns out that an MRI is the best and what ultimately discovered H’s cancer (talked to her after my appointment), but it is thousands and insurance won’t cover it. So, I’m doing second best and getting a screening mammogram and a Sonocine Whole Breast Ultrasound. Insurance also won’t cover it (will self bill to see if I can get insurance to pay if the provider won’t bill on my behalf), but it is only $300 and I’m getting $50 off for agreeing to be in the FDA study.

Poor Max. He had such a hard time settling tonight. I think he is still not asleep, but is at least quiet in his crib. Rarely. Very, very rarely do we have problems at bed time. Tonight is one of them. Since I over analyzed the situation while trying to get him to settle, I decided there were three contributing factors. One, a bit over tired since he woke up early (and cranky) from his nap. Two, a bit of gas and possibly a tummy ache. He kept farting and saying “ugh, ugh, poo, poo”. Three, a big memorable afternoon. When he woke up crabby from his nap, he wanted to see the “chu choo” video (Baby Einstein’s On the Go”) and then wanted to see a real train. I gave Noemi directions to the train depot (Max and I have been going after our morning walk on the weekends and have seen a few trains, one really close up), but she was hesitant (doesn’t like going new places unless I have shown her how to get there by physically driving there and back). Instead, she took Max on the Metrolink bus for an outing for the first time. He came home saying “chu choo”, but I told him it wasn’t a train it was a bus (started saying bus just yesterday for the first time) and the rest of the night he kept saying “no chu choo, bus, bus, bus, bus, bus”. That kid of mine is a smart one. I’m amazed at how good his comprehension is and is vocabulary is getting better and bigger all the time.

I briefly thought over the weekend that maybe I could be happy with just one. I’ve been thinking about it on and off, but really don’t think that is the answer for me or my family. Dr. P and I talked about me moving to DE vs. adoption and having a sibling or two or holding steady with Max. I know if I try DE and it fails (including any FET’s assuming there is anything to freeze), I’m done. But, I still feel like I need to try a few more times on my own and then move to DE. So, I’m not cycling, but I’m thinking about it.

In other news, my new acu has gone up in my personal opinion poll. She recommended acidophilus for my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and within minutes of taking it, I felt so much better. It was quite incredible. She also recommended a bunch of other things that I also got and am taking, but that acidophilus man. I felt a noticeable improvement not just in my bowels, but in general across my entire body. And, I am so much less hungry after taking it. She told me that would likely happen since my body hasn’t been absorbing nutrients it was in a feedback loop telling me I was hungry to eat more to try to get nutrients. She also explained how and why it worked (good bacteria in the intestines) and that it could also be used for constipation. All I know is that finally, I think I have found something that will help instead of the Imodium AD which prevented “accidents” when I couldn’t be near a toilet. I didn’t realize how much the IBS was dragging me down until I started getting some relief. I see the acu again tomorrow before heading out on our trip (not packed, have no lists created on what I need to take, don’t even know what suitcase to use and may go buy a new one). So many things to do, most of which I don’t feel like doing. I do think I will go have dinner (yikes, already 8:30), take a warm bath, and read of a bit.

Cd1

Today is yet another cycle day one. I have decided not to “try” again this month, but not go on the pill again either this month. I have to be out of town for a long weekend next week during prime monitoring time and I do not yet feel ready.

I’m feeling (and have been) much better than when I last posted. It must have been related to a cold/sinus thing and all of a sudden, I just started feeling better with more energy and more like myself. Max hasn’t been so lucky and still isn’t feeling great. Yesterday, we had a busy day planned, but I made sure to get him home for a nap after a busy morning before heading out again. Well, we did not end up going out again as planned since he napped until 5 pm after being put in the crib at 12:30, which is 30 min. later than normal and he didn’t fall asleep right away for about 45 minutes. Still this was a very long nap for him.

-- It never fails that when I sit down to blog the phone rings and/or Max wake up. The phone just rang (ignored) waking Max up. Damn. More later. Maybe. --