I kid you not

In the truth is often stranger than fiction category, I sat down and had my first bite of Thanksgiving turkey tonight (Sunday, November 30th) at 7:08 pm alone at my dinner table after the Sunday sitter left after a 80 minute nap in my own bed this afternoon after a two night, three day stay in the hospital with R as the patient and N along for the ride while Max had a sleepover with his aunt and his nana. I don't have the energy to get into all the minutia of the last few days. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty, but we all got through and all my children are asleep in their own beds and I hope to be doing the same as soon as I finish pumping.

I was in hospital hell in a hospital so old school it doesn't have wireless internet connectivity, not that I would have had much computer time. I was so tired that tears were easy to come, but busy enough that I didn't have much time to wallow in self pity. Below is a brief entry I made when I did have about 30 minutes to wallow while both babies were asleep at the same time.

Here I sit for another night in a place where I rather not be. Another hospital visit. Another overnight stay. R came down with an upper respitory infection and croup. Time goes by fast and slow at the same time. I miss my Max regardless of the fact that he is tolerating his sleep over with Aunt K and Nana just fine. At least they let me bring my N with us and I have both babies here. For pretty much the first time, other than the middle of the night, I have a moment to sit with nothing to do. That isn’t really a good thing. Being busy is better. I’d call some friends, but I’d just start crying and can’t talk. The biggest problem is lack of sleep. For two nights now, I haven’t gotten much sleep to speak and it’s taking it’s toll. For the first time today, I got the “oh, is he your grandson”. Ah, no, my son as I think how tired and bad I must look today. Forget the fact that I understand why R is here and that it is where he needs to be, I want to be home. I want us all to be home and healthy. Please let R be better not worse tomorrow and please let us go home tomorrow. This is not how I want to spend the weekend. I need a plan for if R has to stay Sunday night too. I don’t have one, good or otherwise. Hospitals suck no matter how necessary.

R is still a bit wheezing a bit, but not under such respiratory distress. Things peaked with the croup about Saturday midday. I'll continue to give him home breathing treatments as often as necessary. And, I will monitor him closely, but feel like he is on the upswing...as did the attending doc at the hospital or we wouldn't be home in our own beds tonight. N still has a bit of a cold/cough/wheezing as well, but thank goodness it didn't develop into croup...which was one of the worries and why she was allowed to stay with me in the hospital. She is getting breathing treatments and was given a round of steroids as a precaution as well.

Max seemed to tolerate the time away well. He had a great time at his sleepover, but did say he missed me. Oh, but not nearly as much as I missed him.

I have to say that I am very envious of those parents who haven't had hospital time with their children. I've had far, far too much this year and hope this is the last of it. I'm tired of hospitals. I don't like the fact that I know too well the "workings" at this point. May I never see the inside again for a very, very long time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The pies are baked for Turkey day. The house is decorated for Christmas and given a good dusting and vacume while I was at it. I even took some time to "do lunch" with a friend, hold some babies and go read a story at Max's school this morning. I wouldn't really call the last three days as a vacation, but not working at the job I get paid for allowed me to work around the house and get ahead of the game for the holidays. I was feeling tired and crabby earlier. I'm still tired, but not as crabby. I'm sure that has something to do with the fact that all three children are sleeping peacefully at the moment, especially my eldest who was tired and crabby and wired and a tad naughty and whinny tonight when he wasn't yelling. Tomorrow we are going over to my sisters. It is going to be a pain to load up, but once we get there it should be fairly relaxing. Lots of adults to help hold and entertain and we aren't cooking this year. We ordered and will be picking up a premade meal for a resteraunt. Me, I've made my pies and my dill dip, which are the things that mean Thanksgiving to me, the rest is just dressing. My mom is staying over for a few nights to help since I gave Noemi off and she actually has been quite helpful so it is a good help. So, while I am tired, it is a good tired after some busy, but productive days with a lot of accomplishments.

Growing pains

Sometimes, being a mom can be hard. I just so thought Max would love preschool. Some days he does. Often he doesn't. I thought things were getting better, then on Friday when I went to pick him up, he told me he didn't like it and didn't want to go anymore. All weekend, he told me he didn't want to go. I told him not to worry about it because it was the weekend and there was no school. Monday morning came and I got a bit of push back and told once again how he didn't want to go. Once again, I explained that mommy works and he goes to school and he told me how he wanted to stay home with Mimi (what he calls Noemi). This morning, oh my word, we had meltdown like we rarily have with him, cried and cried the whole time I was getting him dressed, most of the way to school, as we walked in, and when we got to his room. His face was all red and splotchy like mine gets. He pulled out every stop and told me that he couldn't go because he was "too tired and crabby and needed to stay home and have a LONG sleep. A long one". You know he was desperate not to go if he was trying to trade in sleep, which he tries to do as little of as possible.

When I try to find out why, I get told "There are sharks there". No sweety, sharks need water. "Yes, they are in the water under the streets". Or, there are dinosours. Or, some other nonsense answer.

I asked one of his teachers yesterday morning if they had a clue. None, but he burst into tears during snack time and when his teacher asked why he was crying he said "he didn't know why".

When we aren't talking about preschool, I've been getting a lot of "I want to be two again". Some, "I miss Shadow. Can we get another Shadow?" (which is at least to me a bit easier than asking me to go get Shadow and bring her home from the doctor or hospital or rainbow bridge). And, even a "I want to be a girl. How can I be a girl?" once or twice.

I just don't get it.

In general, I think he has a hard time trying to get along with so many people for such a long period of time. And, kids can be mean. There is one kid that seems to me like he is such a bully, he has gotten in Max's face a few times while I was there including this morning. I, of course, call him on it and tell him "That's not nice. I don't like it. Please stop." and the kid just walks away. This kid has never been to any of the birthday parties so my interaction has been limited and I've decided not to say anything to the teachers unless Max complains directly about something specific. I think I'm the one that has an issue with this kid as Max hasn't said much about it. Maybe Max was a little on the outs with his closest friend and it is just a combination or many things and many changes recently.

It felt a bit like pushing him out into the big bad world and I so wanted to just cuddle him and let him stay home and protect him. Sadly, life doesn't work that way and that would solve nothing. I had to remind myself that I can't and shouldn't always protect him. My job isn't to keep him from sadness or tears, but to make sure he knows that he will always be loved and to give him the tools needed as he grows.

I wish I could make it better for him. I sat and hugged him for awhile until he calmed down and left him after a 5 minute, 3 minute, 1 minute warning and he was fine. His teacher said he had a good day and only cried once when they found tape in the fish tank and he was worried about the fish.

I shed a few of my own tears on the way home because it just made me so sad to see him so sad.

When the seasons collide

I almost took a picture. Really it is quite amusing. Messy, absolutely. A pain, you bet. When it is complete, beautiful. In the mean time, a bit of a safety hazard.

I'm taking down Halloween, putting up Christmas, and preparing (as much as I plan to) for Thanksgiving.

And, now, I must stop and go pick up a 3 year old tornado to add to the mix.

I told him I was going to get the tree up today on the way to preschool. He was thrilled. If he had his way, it would stay up all year. He cried, literally, for weeks when it went down. Has ask throughout the year to put it up with an increasing creshendo since Halloween.

Yes, a bit early, but really it needs to be done while I'm off work, Max is in school, and I have help with the babies so today thru Wednesday is it and I have a friend coming in town tomorrow so tomorrow is mostly out.

I hate putting it up, dislike taking it down, but just love it all when it is decorated. The earlier, the more time to enjoy.

The case of the absent cell

When you sign your child in at Sunday school, it asks for your cell number just in case they need to get a hold of you for some reason. I've always thought this as a tad odd because, presumably, one would be discouraged from having their cell phone on during service. But, I digress. I realized that I had left my purse in the car once I sat down in the cry room and figured it was too much of a pain to haul the twins out and back to the car and they would just come find me if needed. To digress further....during church, a lady that I see quite a bit and how has been a baby holder on occasion leaned over to me, told me that she just couldn't sit through service today to pray for her, but her kids were in Sunday school and she was going to get a coffee. Oh, how that made me laugh.

We were driving home after because I forgot the birthday present for the party we were going and thought about someone I needed to call, but my purse was in the back of the van. Stopped by home, left the kids in the car real quick, got present, pee'd, got drinks, headed to the pharmacy to drop off a prescription from last Tuesday (drive thru), and then headed to the party. Went to call my cousin to answer a question she asked me weeks ago that somehow I got distracted and never answered while I was thinking about it since it had to do with the twins and mirrors she had installed for me and how they were working and my ear piece wasn't working. It was just dead.

It was then that I remembered that my cell phone was actually by my bed, turned off, because I was to tired to get up and charge it last night before I fell asleep and I didn't want it to beep low battery at me in the middle of the night. So glad I didn't actually need the phone today.

Max had a great time at the party. I didn't have a bad time. It was a bit of a pain because the house was up a hill with lots of steps and I had a double stroller and lots of stuff I was hauling. But, the party was a tad strange if I do say so myself, and I do. There are several reasons why I thought it odd, but the biggest was how they tried to pose all of the kids (this was a 3 year old birthday party) for about 10 minutes and wanted them to stand (instead of sit) behind the cake because it would be a better shot. Another odd thing was how most of the kids were brought by their dad, a few by both parents, and only one other woman came with just her child and how more than half of the kids (all who were brought by the dads) stayed for only about 30 - 45 minutes before begging off for various reasons. The only other alone woman was older and had adopted from China. I wanted to ask her if she was an SMC, but got distracted. Like I said, I felt completely comfortable and didn't have a bad time, there was clearly some other dynamic going on coupled with the parents of the child squabbling a bit and several other things. Anyway, neither here nor there.

Speaking of getting distracted, when we got home after being gone pretty much all day, I unloaded the kids, started unloading the car, when Max had to go poo. A bit later, I went to get the twins out of their car seats and R wasn't buckled in. I'm hoping I had started to get him out when I got distracted at home and not that I carried him down steps, drove home, and unloaded him that way. After ponding it and worrying a bit, I honestly don't know, but think that may be the case. I've made a mental note to double check fastenings in the future. Oh my! If so, that was bad, bad, bad. Clearly, my brain is mush and I'm to easily distracted and forgetful right now. The babies are sleeping fine. Max isn't, therefore, I am not. And, I've been staying up later than normal wasting time on the computer which seems like a good idea at the time and not so much in the middle of the night when your up and down every few hours.

Just me?

Is it just me or does anyone else occasionally check their own blog to see if it has any new content when, in fact, you haven't posted any?

Busy week.

Had lots of doc appointments, mostly for N. The neurologist and neurosurgeon both gave N a good bill of health, come back in 3 months. Oh, how I can't wait until that is 6 months, then a year, and maybe some day, never? Both babes seemed to tolerate the synergis shot well enough. Both are still sleeping so well that it is really quite scary and a joy at the same time. It's a mixed blessing since it helps since I don't get a nap now that I'm back to work, but I also miss spending more time with them since they are sleeping more. A paradox like many things in life.

I finally got an assignment at work doing the same thing I was doing before I went out on leave, but for a different group. And, the person I was getting turnover from was taking today as vacation and I'm taking next week and she starts a new gig the first week of December so that has taken up time. Work is so much easier than not work and weekends take on a whole new meaning with 3 kids and little help, but it's all good and we need that "family time". I miss spending more time with the babies or did I say that already.

Speaking of weekends, Max is now officially on the birthday party circuit with parties almost every weekend and two this weekend. It is kind of a pain, but how can I not do it if possible ...espeically with kids he likes. So, I'll be schelping everyone to a bowling party tomorrow and a house party after church on Sunday. Just the thought makes me tired. We got one from a kid I don't think he likes much and it is a gym/Karate type class that Max said he didn't want to go. Was it wrong of me to celebrate and encourage this?

I hear a baby fussing in the other room. Think I will go give out some Friday afternoon cuddles.

Moments of panic

I was driving N to an appointment on Monday and had this moment of panic where I was sure I had brought the wrong child with me. I didn't. I had to seriously think about it and it did give me pause, before I realized that I was good and did, in fact, bring the right baby.

I walked in the twins room today and had a moment of panic when N's crib was empty. I'm not sure of the particular order of these thoughts but one was that someone had come in and stole her during the night, to which I told myself that was unlikely as they probably would have taken R as well or instead since he is a much calmer/easier baby unless they only wanted a girl baby; another was that I had left her in the family room all night and was she in a bouncy or the swing, before I reminded myself that no I had indeed checked on her and she had been in her crib; which brought me to the question "Where the fuck is my baby?" After standing there for a period of time taking all this in and trying to process, I walked further into the room and my darling daughter had scooted herself down to the end of her crib and turned herself sideways and was laying behind a pile of her baby blankets that just so happened to be the same cream color as her sleeper and a spot that could not be seen from the doorway. Whew! As much as she can be a PITA, I'm quite fond of her and would like to keep her around.

When Max was first born, I used to have these moments of panic where I'd be driving and worry that I left him behind, or forgot to strap him in, or the most common was that he died during sleep with SIDS or suffocation being the top two causes of his early demise. I find it amusing and ironic that I have much fewer of these with the twins who had much more of an auspicious start. But, I do have them on occasion. Heck, it's even more funny because Max didn't even HAVE blankets in his crib until he was a year or two old because I worried he would roll into them and suffocate during the night. I'm sure there is some sort of "reason" for them like mommy brain overload, or hormones, or lack of sleep, or such a big change in routine, or a combination. When they happen, they are "real" and I have a physical reaction along with the moment of terror. I'm typically an easy going person, which I think helps immensely being a mom and a single mom at that, but every now and again, something can happen that causes me pause like this morning.

I've been laughing at myself all day, but ...oh, that moment this morning when the crib was empty.. just a tiny moment of terror.

Weights

Nora weighed in at 12 lbs 14 oz and Ray weighed in at 13 lbs 2 oz today.

Long afternoon with two doctor's appointments and a stop by my old RE's office to show of the babes and inquire about the form needed to authorize the demise of my pity freeze embryos that the storage comes up on next month. Probably, I will have them destroyed instead of renew. To tired to get into it tonight, but donating is not an option for many reasons including being a violation of my contract with the donor.

As tiring as it was, it was nice to have a whole afternoon with both babies. They were in best form until the end of the last visit when they were tired and then got a shot and we had to wait for 15 minutes to ensure they didn't have an adverse reaction.

I wonder how this bodes for my night....as I was putting Max down and saying the last good nights, he said, "see you in the night". I said, no, see you in the morning, not in the night and he laughed and repeated himself. Oy, that kid of mine is something else.

I think I had another point or two, but have lost it. Brain is mush. Must go to bed. Oh yeah, I now have a work assignment and a pretty good one. Doing the same thing I was doing before I left, but for a different group. Going to be kind of a pain until I get up and established within the new group, but should ultimatly be fine.

The best things in life

Warning: Do not read if you are struggling to ttc or having difficulty being child free cause this post will probably set you over the edge

I heard the old adage the other day that the best thing in life are free. I agree with the spirit of the intent of that message, but have to disagree. The best thing in my life are my children. They really are a dream come true. They make me feel fulfilled and complete in a way that I had not thought possible. I have a little anxiety about the work situation, which really is warranted as some big, big, big changes have and are coming down and the company that I have worked for 19 years is no longer the same company; I'm not moving into the position I had when I went out on leave; and, I do not yet have a new position so am filling the hours at this point. However, other than that, mostly, and overall....I'm happy. Sometimes a tired or sick or crabby happy, but happy none the less. Anyway, I digress. While my children are the best things in my life, no part of having them has been free. Not on the front end of conceiving, the pregnancies themselves, or after and beyond. In fact, the twins are quite expensive actually. It probably wouldn't be to far wrong to say they are close to million dollar babies although I haven't added up the costs because it can be too overwhelming (I literally have several book size file folders of EOB's from this year) and I just keep thanking God for good insurance with a reasonable yearly out of pocket maximum. I've just been feeling particularly blessed lately. The twins are really such good babies. They have been sleeping all night and are just willing to hang out and look around in the morning until you come in to get them. When they see you, they just get the biggest smiles on their faces that just go to the core of my heart, like "yeah, your here. I'm so happy to see you, your the best ever" and almost like it never occurs to them to cry out for you. Now, even though they are sleeping through, I'm still up in the night to pump, change Max, etc., but it's more doable than I thought at this stage. It's not all perfect and sunshine and roses. Nothing in life really is. Yet, it is perfect for me. I finally feel like I am the me I was always meant to be and that every struggle and heartache and disappointment was just leading up to now. While not free, it is the best thing in life.

Vent

I've said it before, but here it goes again...I do NOT heart N's neurosurgeon's staff. They have great ineptitude in a basic skill such as scheduling appointments. It really should not be this hard. N has her 6 week post op this week, but the needed u/s couldn't be scheduled on the same day as her visit with the doc. Fine. We were scheduled for a 8:30 am u/s appointment today. Monday. We are scheduled to see the doc on Wednesday afternoon in is satellite office. We get there and checked in after fighting morning traffic, leaving early, have to arraign things to leave so early to find out that they had her scheduled for 11 am. That is a big difference and I was pissed. After waiting for about an hour, N was tired and overstimulated and went from her charming smiling and coo'ing self to her screaming her head off self. I paced with her in the hall glaring at the radiology reseptionist with each pass of the desk and cornered the u/s tech to tell her my troubles at first opportunity as I tried to remind myself that it wasn't their fault and that being upset would get me no where but a bad day or possibly high blood pressure...and who needs that.

While I"m venting, let me just mention how many bad drivers there are on the LA freeways. I often find it quite incredible how many people have difficulty staying within the lane lines or will attempt to change lanes without first looking to see if said lane has an opening. Now, my car (s) are big and diffuclt to miss, but I can't tell you how many times I've almost been broadsided since the twins were born. Don't even get me started about those people who continue to use cell phones without an ear piece or ...and I kid you not... texting while attempting to drive even though it is now illegal to do so in California.

And, while I'm in bitch mode, let me comment on how ironic it is/was that gas prices were the highest ever this summer during a time when I drove the most ever and now that I'm back to not needing to drive so much (Thank goodness, cause "they" are idiots I tell you, idiots!). At least now I'm able to double save that money if you will.

And, for all I give Ms. N a bad rap about being miss cranky pants, she really can be quite a good baby most of the time. We got home around 11 (the u/s tech did get us in a bit early after getting tired of my less than happy looks and pacing, pacing, pacing with N in front of their door) and Noemi was out at the park with R. Instead of calling her home, I figured N was tired from her morning adventures and would likely sleep until 1 pm which was her next feeding time, and I could work while she slept. And, she slept until 12:58 pm waking up right on cue. I could have never ever done that with Max when he was a baby. Yes, you can sooth him more easily, but he just didn't sleep so well or so regular then or now.

Anyway, I'm sure I could find more to storm and rant about, buth the vent has left me tired. I'm feeling better, but still not great with this cold thing going on.

The house of germs...

It's official. I live in the house of germs. With a three year old in preschool, it doesn't matter how much hand washing you do. The germs seem to find us. It doesn't help that said kid will use his fingers and/or arm to wipe the snot instead of a tissue and laugh when you tell him that's disgusting. Or, sprays it while he says it. Or, actually use his arm only once every 5 times he coughs.

We've all got it. Including me. Sore throats. Body aches. Buggers. Blow, blow. Suction suction. Crying. Screaming. Sleeping.

Saturday night, we all had Tylenol cocktails as our after dinner drink and went to bed. We all needed it, especially my darling daughter N. She doesn't do discomfort well. An airbubble or a dirty diaper, if in the "mood" can set her off. Not feeling well just puts her over the screaming edge where nothing and no one can comfort her until you take her troubles away. She's training us all well. An unhappy N makes and unhappy household. A happy N makes a happy household. Oh my, does that girl have some lungs on her. She woke up Sunday, with smiles and charm, so one can presume that she is over the worst of it.

The twins have already slept 12 hours more nights total than Max has in three years. Occasionally, they both even do it on the same night. Most nights, Max is still waking up. He came in at 2 am with a nice chipper "Good Morning". Ugh! With the time change (which he has never done well) and the sickness and the biggy...pee'ing through, he's up at least once every night. If I can catch him and change him sometime in the middle of the night when I'm awake, he'll stay dry enough to sleep through. Okay, so it happened once in the last two weeks (but, whose counting). Not only do the overnights give him a rash, the don't work. Double diapering does nothing. A diaper then a pull up. No. A pull up, then a diaper still doesn't cut it, but seems to be the better combination. Just a phase. Soon, it will pass.

I'm still up pumping at least once every night. It continues to suck. I continue to do it.

Lots of doctors appointments this week for routine follup up, mostly with N and finally the synergis shots for the babes in between which I pretend to work.

Time vs. Money

Here I sit once again, pumping. It sure gets old fast, but I've made it past the 5 month mark. I'm going for gold...at least a year. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I make it. Then, I think about the cost involved in buying formula on top of everything else and I know I can suck it up and motivate myself for a bit more. I'd like to say that it is because I just want the best for my babies and how much better breast milk and all that and that is all true. But, formula is so easy. I'm not having to supplement much. I've actually been able to freeze some again and some nights don't even need to supplement at all. Today, R got 4 oz of formula. Last night, N got one bottle of formula. Then, it had been 2 - 3 days since I'd needed to reach into the formula canister. As it is, this huge, expensive canister of formula that I got at Costco seems to be going very fast. I shudder to think how fast it would go if I had both babies using formula full time. That motivates me really fast to put in my time at the pump. What can I say, I'm frugal at heart on most things. I'd rather my money go to something else, especially since my supply is good and it IS good for the babes.

Jinx'd?

Yes, Yes, of course I jinx'd myself by mentioning that which should not be named. I know better than doing that sort of thing. The good news is that Max slept through for a change. But, the babes did wake up and I had trouble falling asleep after pumping so another night of little sleep. However, I think the problem with the twins is that they got cold so am going to try to avoid that and see how tonight goes. Yes, I do dare hope that I will get lucky one of these days and have all three have a good sleep through night and where I am sleeping as well. It could happen. Someday.

Anxiety

Sunday evening, I drove by the hospital the twins were born/in the NICU. It's really quite far from my house, but I was out that way for something and it was in route. As I passed, I was wondering who was working in the NICU and about the families and babies in there right now and I was really surprised that I had such a physical reaction to it. I'm not sure I really know what an anxiety attack is, but I think probably along the lines of what I started to feel. I had to talk myself into deep breaths and to slow my pulse and calm the heck down. No one looking at me would have known I was upset or affected, but inside...oh my word. I've thought back on it a few times since or some other thought close and had a similiar reaction. I guess it is like post tramatic stress or something and the experience can just come back to bite you when you least expect it. Sometimes the NICU days seem so far away they are like a distant memory and sometimes the fear and stress all some back like a bad reality. I've never experienced such a physical reaction from a memory before that I was really caught off guard by it and can't say I like it.

Mostly things are going pretty well here. That thing that you like babies to do at night has been happening. I hate to say anything or acknowledge it so that I don't jinx things. Also, another sign of scars from the tough start is that instead of enjoying it I worry that it is caused by a sickness or failure to thrive or some problem that will land us back into the hospital with the fear of RSV or some other such situation with all the colds and coughs and such in the house of germs this last month. My intense scruteny seems to point to the fact that they are just much better at that thing that Max isn't and that I have even further reason to love and adore these babes of mine, but you know...I don't want to jinx it or anything.

Lest you think that just because the babes are doing something so well that I have seen a postive benefit, think again. Mr. Max has never, ever adjusted well to time changes and it has been yet another difficult transition with lots of night and early morning wakings. Last night, he ended up in my bed for almost all night so I'm hoping he finally got a good enough sleep that we are finally getting back on track. Of course, since he was in my bed, I slept like crap and woke up a gagillion times or something.

All that to say, I'm up pumping while all three children are still alive and asleep in their own beds without waking (or at least waking me) since they were put there. And, pumping sucks. I go through phases where I don't mind so much, but I'm not in one of those phases right now.

My Max

My friend dropped by a few bags of clothes for us. She has boy/girl twins that will be 5 in January and I've benefited quite a bit from outgrown toys and clothes. I was sorting through and sorting...because I'm a tad anal and everything must be washed in my own machine with my own detergent before packing it away for a few years before it will likely get rewashed prior to wear. Now that N is with us, she sent a bunch of girl clothes, several pair of ballet shoes (how cute are they?) and some smashing butterfly rain boots. Anyway, Max saw these PJ's and just knew he wanted to wear them. Who am I to say no? They are very similar to several PJ's that his beloved CC had this summer and a robe of mine that he just loves. He was so happy and kept saying how comfortable he was. Notice his fireman rain boots, his nice warm slippers just weren't good enough to complete the outfit. I wasn't going to get out the camera, but he was just so cute and when I asked if I could take a few pictures of him I got a resounding YES and that I was supposed to tell him "not to smile". Gosh is he a (comfortable) cutie!


Yes, we also got his hair cut last weekend. By the barber. The man. Not the mommy one. The MAN one. There were lots of men there with their sons. He cuddled up to one for a bit and ran his car over him while I was distracted by the twins and called him back. He started calling me daddy. I responded "oh great, I get to be both mommy and daddy today" and answered him. That night, I asked him if it was hard to be there with all the daddies. To which he replied, "At Kevin's party, Nolan said I had a daddy and I told thim that I didn't and he didn't believe me. I said NO I DON'T". Sigh. Not the response I was expecting. So, we ran through why we don't have a daddy in our family. I told him he was absolutly right and asked if he wanted me to talk to Nolan about it to which he said, "yes" then started talking about something completely different.

Hospitals and doctors have been a big part of our life this year so it was no suprise Max wanted to be a doc for Halloween. A week or so ago, he told me he needed to go to the hospital to have surgery to become a girl. Not quite sure where that came from. Probably a boy at school. He is one of the youngest in his class and I'm not always impressed with some of the older boy influence. Max has been taking a little mermaid lunch box to school. We have the cars one we got in preperation for school, then Max found the mermade one and a bullwhinkle one in the cupbard that someone had given us or left. Every morning, I give him a choice. Most of the time, he chooses the mermaid one. I guess the comments one day last week got enough that one of the teachers mentioned it to me, the next day he wanted the car one. I talked to him about Strength of Body; Strength of Character; and Strength of Conviction and what they all meant and why they are important. I told him if he liked the mermaid one to forget what anyone else said, it was his life and his lunchbox and he could do what he wanted. He wasn't hurting anyone by bringing the mermaid one so it didn't matter what they said. He gets to bring the one he wants to bring and they get to bring what they want to bring. If that was taking the car one, fine. If that was taking the mermaid one, that was fine too. Since then, he has wanted the mermaid one.

I know that many would not agree, but I'm not going to ever stereo type him or any of my children or the clothes they wear or toys they play. He may get the pressure from society or others outside the home. He will never get it for me.

My Max, he is growing up so fast and such a contrast between all boy and liking the softer/finer things in life. Hey, I have PJ's made of this material and they ARE comfortable. Why should he not get to enjoy the feeling just because he's a boy? A lot of this "girl" stuff is nicer and more colorful and more fun.

Growing up is a lot of fun and it can be hard. Harder because of the choices his mommy made so that he doesn't have a daddy. Harder because he has a mommy who takes all of this exploration into the "girl" world in stride without freaking out or making him feel like it is wrong where as if there were a daddy in the picture he would likely get a different or more tempered message. To the whole needing to go to the hospital so he could become a girl, I asked him if he wanted to become a girl because they were nice and got to have a lot of nice stuff to which he said yes and moved on.

Me, I just want him to be happy and secure in himself. And, clearly, he was happy tonight. This mom stuff sure can be hard sometimes.

Bouncy, Bouncy

I'm in the kitchen making morning bottles for the twins and Max goes in their room to "check on them". I hear him start to sing "bouncy, bouncy, bouncy" in that sing song voice of kids. He will often sing to them or go get his guitar and play music for them in the morning as I get things ready and we start the day. This time, as I listen closer, I hear bed springs giving cadence along with that song. I wander in to check it out and Max has climbed in the crib (his old crib) with R and is jumping up and down...yes, bouncing. R is laying there with his eyes really big and a big smile on his face as he flies a bit off the mattress with each jump...yes, enjoying this. I figure that I had better object on principle because even though both parties are enjoying it at the moment, someone is bound to get hurt. "But, momma, I'm careful. I won't hurt him." Uh, huh. I remove R and temporarily put him over in N's crib (can't remember where she is, probably out in a bouncy with me) to finish up and come back to Max in N's crib...yes, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy. Oh, you just have to laugh.

The hardest part

The hardest part of going back to work has been missing Shadow and having a dog at my feet for company. I miss her. Max misses her as well and often asks me to "go get her and bring her home". He asked for a new dog the other day and I told him when the time was right for our family, the right dog will find us. Tonight he wanted to read I will always love you by Hans Wilhelm. Three times. It was all I could do to not start bawling. Max must have gotten what he needed although he still doesn't understand "death" because halfway through the third read I got "Momma, I need to talk to you. Stop reading. I need to talk to you." When I stopped, "Why do I have sharp teeth?"

Election Day

Just waiting for the polls to close so I can go to bed. For those who may not know, my garage is the polling place for my precinct. I've been doing this for at least 10 years now. I enjoy it. Often, we get the same workers for every election. They've seen me move from a dog only family to a kid and cat family. I think City Boy enjoys election day most of all in our house. He is in heaven thinking that all these people come just to see and pet him a few times a year. We've had the best turn out ever for our precinct. This morning, the line was down the drive way and down the side walk in front of our house. City was in thrilled and a bit ruthless as he worked the line standing and meowing until he was acknowledged and petted. He hasn't even come inside yet for dinner or treats. He's a funny cat. There are enough workers that they should get things wrapped up fairly quick, then I can call it a night. It goes without saying that my sleep was limited last night with Max having another early morning. Max just doesn't adjust well to the time change. I keep hoping it will get better as he grows, but it hasn't. He had a major meltdown this morning when I dropped him off at preschool. Poor kid has been through so much change with me going back to work and the time change this week just adding on to months and months and months of change for him. His teacher said he was fine by the time they came inside a bit after I left him. Work wasn't bad, just getting caught up on things and made progress against my training goal, and no time for a nap today.

I've had a list of random items to share and was going to do a post, but I can't think of a one of them at the moment. Yes, my brain is mush and the part that isn't went to work today.

Second time around, not same as the first

Today was back to work day. It didn't suck too badly. I had to fight traffic to head to one of our offices to get this computer problem worked out, but was back by noon to meet via phone with my boss. I did get all teary eyed while driving, but was saved from having a melt down by a cell call from a friend. Unlike with Max when I cried my eyes out when I went back, I got worked up about how different it is the second time around. I was actually so rushed to get Max and I ready and out the door and my computer packed up that I didn't even say goodbye to the babies when I left. That's what upset me. Sometimes, I feel so disconnected to them. It wasn't possible, nor will it be in the future to spend as much time with them one on one as I did with Max, as I would like to do. That's one of the reasons that I like going solo on the weekends as much as possible even if it is really hard. It helps us bond as a family and forces me to spend time with them in basic care like feedings and diapers if nothing else. When Noemi is here during the week, it is all too easy to just let her take care of the babies while I take care of Max and everything else. I guess that is just the way of it with second born babies in general and second born twins specifically. So, because I have had to leave the babies so much already since they have been born and since Noemi has already been doing the day shift with the babies, going back to work really wasn't that big of a deal. Granted, I didn't actually get much work done and ... I confess...I did go take a nap after I met with my boss...I was just so tired. It was one of those nights where I was up at 2 am to feed babies and pump. I climbed back in bed at 4 am and Max was up at 4:20. Anyway, the next few days should be pretty mellow at work because I don't actually have an official assignment yet. My boss and I talked about a few things depending on how they play out and I like one better than the rest, but will do whatever really. Until then, I can get my inbox cleaned up, do some training to meet my training target for the year, and go browse some corporate web pages to brush up on changes since I was out. There were some big ones that I don't feel comfortable discussing in such a forum. Anyway we all survived the first day. Max is asleep. Ray is watching Baby Bach while I pump and narrate for him and Noemi feeds Nora. Another day, almost done. Or, rather, night shift about to begin.