Good, Fine, Bad, Good

The good news is that both babies are alive, kicking, moving, and measuring at 18w6d with good heartbeats. The peri did the full L2 scan. Everything looked and checked out good with Baby B (the girl). Everything he could see for Baby A (the boy) looked good, but he couldn't seen everything so I have a follow up in 3 weeks on that to see if he can get a better look. I'm sure that all is fine in that regard and the same thing happened to me with Max, although with Max it was the heart and something else they couldn't see instead of the brain and something else.

The bad news is that he could see a big blood clot sitting right on top of my cervix and my cervix was only measuring 3.7 (I think) instead of the better than 5 that it has been measuring. So, it is almost a certainty that I will bleed again (more a question of when, not if) and the worry is that the clot sitting on top of my cervix will continue to cause dilation, which would really not be good, not good at all. So, I'm on weekly cervix check appointments with the Peri until further notice. Egads, no, no, I am just not going to catch a break with this pregnancy, but you know, I'm fine with every frinkin hurtle being put up as long as there is a good outcome.

The good news is that it was fabulous to be at opening day at Dodger Stadium and the Dodgers won a 5 - 0 shut out against the SF Giants. It was great to see my friend and have actual time to talk without child interruptions. Hard to stay worried and stressed after spending an afternoon outdoors at the ballpark of a good game.

18W

My personal goal is to make it to 36 weeks, at least. A week or two more would be bonus. July 31'st is exactly 36 weeks. My OB has my expected delivery date to be 8/11/08. August 28th would be a full 40 weeks, which didn't even happen with Max, so I'd be shocked and I'm sure down right miserable if I go that far. I've been told that I should strive for 8/8/08, because it would be a "cool" birthday and I kind of have to agree with that. However, all that feels like a luxury and I'd really like to make it to the 36 week mark. So, that being said, I'm at the halfway mark today. This pregnancy already feels like it has taken forever and I'm not even really half way there. July and August feel so far away. I still have another 6 - 8 weeks before I even get to the point of viability. Ah, well, I'll just keep plugging along taking it day by day. I know, in the long run, it will all be worth it. And, the female hormones are a wonderful aid in helping ensure you forget the worst of the worst of it.

Basically Fine

The Tylenol PM helped a lot both in terms of cramping and allowing me another hour or two of sleep. I'm still very tired though and have a cold. I was still cramping and sore this morning, but went back to just spotting. I called the OB's office to confirm that nothing really could be done other than an u/s/live baby check. Since I have my first peri appointment next Monday. I'll just wait until then. While I'm feeling a lot better than the first tri, over all, this pregnancy just sucks. The heartburn has been bad and my hands and arms have started to go numb when I sleep. This actually happened towards the end of my preg. with Max and has to do with the nerves going through the shoulders and getting pinched because in general I don't stretch them enough and pregnancy causes some swelling. I know that I should just be grateful and not complain, after a hard ttc road to just be pregnant, when so many people don't get the opportunity at all, and I really am grateful and hopeful for a good outcome. Still this pregnancy sucks is so many ways.

Another one, edited again

Well, I had another bleed episode tonight. I can't say it was a big bleed, but a bleed it was. And, I'm feeling kind of crampy right now. I was just coming back from a trip to the toilet and just like before felt a big glob of blood just come out. It's an odd feeling as is all just oozes on out. I was able to grab some tissue to mop things up at tad before trooping back to the bathroom for cleanup. Of course, yes, I did just change sheets today and put on a brand new only been laundered mattress pad. Sigh. I'm leaving the sheet mess until morning unless I bleed more. I guess it is too much to asked to just have the blood plop out when I'm sitting on the pot or something. And, now I'm left wondering if this was the result of the toddler kick from the other night or something else. I had pretty much attributed the other big bleeds to the CVS. Who knows? Maybe there just is no good reason.

And, I'm hungry, but don't feel like eating. Too bad Max ate the last protein bar for a snack today as that would be perfect right now.

Edited: Having fun now. Decided a bath was in order and bleed on the floor while I puked in the sink. Just flem and water, but still. Have I mentioned I have a cold? Sore throat, sneezing, nasal congestion and post nasal drip. My pregnant stomach does not do well with flem in it at all. So, proceed to do a quick wipe up, get into the tub, and eat a bowl of cereal. As much as I've vomited, I guess you get a bit blase about it. I'm still cramping and having residual bleeding. More than I would like, but still not in proportion to the "big bleeds". I hate this. It would really suck to loose the pregnancy now what with Max telling everyone he see's about having a brother and sister in mommy's tummy.

Edited, again: Very, very, very crampy. Passing some pretty big size clots into the toilet every 10-15 minutes. Just took some Tylenol PM to see if that will help or at least help me relax/put me out.

Starting to get it

Max seems to be getting the fact that I'm pregnant. Or, rather, that he is going to have a brother and sister. He's not all the way there yet, but he's processing it.

Noemi told me that Max told his swim teacher today that he had a brother and a sister. At dinner tonight, he wanted to know where they were. I explained they were growing in my uterus which was in my tummy along with my stomach. After his bath, I showed him the u/s picture from my last visit. He studied it pretty intently for about 5 minutes while I explained, again, from dinner that they were in my uterus which was in my tummy. He kept saying "that's my brother" and pointing to baby A and "that's my sister" pointing to baby B after I showed him. He said he wanted them to come out and asked if they came out of my belly button. I explained that they would either come out of my vagina or the doctor would make a small cut and take them out of my uterus around here. He wanted to know where the "gina" was. And, I didn't show him, but reminded him that boys have penises and girls have vaginas (we've already covered that a several times by now). I also explained that the babies were still growing inside and wouldn't come out until they were big enough and we said and counted the months until August. We talked about how when they came out they would be babies (to which he got a big smile on his face) and that they would then come and live with us and be a part of our family. He repeated back a lot of what I was telling him to me. Then, he wanted to take a picture of them. I explained that the pictures when the babies were inside could only be taken with a very special camera by the doctor. He thought about that for a minute, then started singing the Wiggles song "no more joey's jumping on the bed" song, which led to "no more alligators jumping on the bed", which led to him wanting to what Little Einsteins Golden Pyramid which has alligators in it. And, that was that. He did bring it up a time or two again about having a brother and sister. Hmmm, how the mind works is incredible.

Ouch and Ick!

Last night as I was trying to dress my overtired, candy loving son, I got a two footed kick right to the bottom of my uterus. To say it hurt would be an understatement. Good thing I love the kid and I know that he knows not what he did. So, now I'm a bit worried about another big bleed and have been spotting more. Sigh. I'm trying to put it behind me because there is not a darn thing that can be done.

Max was overtired because once again, he refused to nap, even though he had been up since God awful 3 something in the morning. Sigh. The good news is that my threats worked and he actually stayed in his crib. The bad news was that he poo'd and took off his diaper and yes, everything in the crib needed to hit the laundry. Then, last night, he was got almost 12 hours of sleep, stayed in his crib, and poo'd this morning, taking off his diaper, and yes, getting it all over everything. Sigh. At least we are making progress in the staying in the crib part, right?

Oh, in looser in the mom department and didn't take one picture of Max on Easter or his Easter basket or anything. Sadly, I didn't even THINK of it until an hour or so after he was in bed and asleep. In spite of the lack of sleep, I think he had a great time this weekend. He loved his Little Einstein Rocket with the 4 Einstein's from the Easter Bunny. He has dug into his basket with a vengeance saying. "MMMMM, I love candy. I love it. Mmmmm" or other such sentiments. Last night and today when I mentioned something about Easter and the weekend, he would take my hand and shake it and say "Happy Easter". Ah, I do love the kid so even though he can be a royal pain sometimes.

No sleep sucks!

Yes, stating the obvious, but getting no or little sleep sucks. I'm so tired. Can we just have a moratorium on today? I'd love to spend the day in bed. Sigh. Not happening.

There was no more sleep to be had last night. Lot's of crying (Max), threats (me), and neither of us getting any more sleep. He was fine when I finally let him get up. Me, my ass is dragging. I guess I'll get up and fake it until I make it. But, I swear, the kid better nap today...or else!

Adrenalin Rush

OMG, my son, my son....what am I going to do with him? I was in a dead sleep and wake up to my bedroom door opening (normally when it is just he and I, I sleep with it open, but Nanna stayed over last night), the cat meowing (as he climbed up the stool and onto the my bed via the cat bed), and crawled over to cuddle. The time on the clock? In the vicinity of 3:40 am. I cuddled with him a minute to calm my adrenalin rush. Then, told him it was still the middle of the night, night night time and he was going to have to go back to the crib. To which, he scampered off my bed, told me to "stay there, stay right there", and went to play with his trains. I got him some milk, a fresh diaper and a fresh shirt (since the one he was wearing was wet), cuddled with him a few minutes, put him back to the crib, waited in his room a few minutes for him to settle, told him in a stern voice he was not to climb out of the crib again and if he needed anything to let me know. It's been about 10 minutes so maybe all that work. Nap times have been non-existent since I just can't keep in the crib then. Bedtimes haven't been too bad because he's completely exhausted. I'm not quite sure how to handle this. I really wanted him to stay in the crib until at least 3.5, almost another full year, but don't think I'm going to make it. Maybe I try to convert to toddler bed and just train him in that now, then I have one less crib I need to acquire. It would be easier to ponder this if I were not exhausted and Max and I were getting enough sleep.

The thing is, Max is smart enough that very soon he's going to realize that he doesn't have to come directly to me and will just start playing or doing what he wants when he wakes up. I guess I will try to repair that whole in the crib tent and see what happens.

Thank goodness I had put the easter baskets on the kitchen table this year (because the coffee table was filled with toys and junk and I was too tired to clear it) and Max didn't see them or I'm sure there would be no more sleep to be had today.

Well, he hasn't reappeared yet, but he just started singing. Sigh. I think it is going to be a long, long day.

Oh, btw, Happy Easter!

Praying for patience

I've spent most of the day praying for patience (on and off since 11 am). Doesn't bod well and isn't a good start for a 3 day weekend. I've wished several times that I didn't give Noemi the day off. Max hasn't been horrible awful, but he hasn't listened very well and seemed able to push my buttons easily. It's not as if we didn't do fun things. I took him to his gym class, we colored easter eggs (my word that was a messy affair that really had me doing self talk about about staying calm), we blew up and filled his little pool with water and played in the back yard. We did fun things and I only snapped at him and raised my voice a few times (of which I'd feel guilty if it seem to bother him at all, which it didn't...sigh), but it was a long, long day. And, yes, he is already in bed. Hopefully for good. He's started climbing out of the crib again, in spite of the crib tent. When I locked down the zipper so he couldn't get to it, he made/crawled through a whole in the netting.

I'm tired. I'm crabby. And, even water is giving me heartburn today.

No Lie

As soon as I posted the whole no spotting thing, I went to the bathroom and ... yes, more blood. Sigh. See what I mean about jinxing things. Then, the time after that was blood and "debris". But, at least there was no big bleed over night and the spotting seems to be slowing down if not completely stopped.

I shouldn't say this

I'm sure I'm about to jinx myself again and will probably end up with another big bleed or something tonight as a result, but....I haven't spotted since early this morning. I go to the bathroom a lot. Too many times a day to count. And, every since that first big bleed episode, every time I wipe there is blood. Sometimes watery and pink. Sometimes dark and old. Sometimes red red. Occasionally, there is what I'll call "debris" in the bottom of the toilet. Not clots, just stuff that I don't spend too much time analyzing. Anyway, the point is....since early this morning I've been spot free. Let's hope this is a trend to continue and not just a precursor to more blood.

"Sure, sweetie"

Max was taking a bath tonight and I asked him to do something...wash his body I think...and his response was "Sure, sweetie". Oh, he slays me.

I wasn't laughing this morning when he woke up in that 4 am hour. Some milk kept things quite for another 40 minutes or so when I started hearing "Momma, I want to go poo poo in the POTTY". Or, some various type theme. He can be relentless. I ignored him as long as I could. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and went to check on him. He had is pants and diaper off. Sigh. So, he got freed from the crib, which usually doesn't happen until after 6, but what's a mom supposed to do? No, he didn't go poo. I was trying for stellar mom of the day award and climbed back in bed and told him if he really did poo to let me know so I could wipe his bottom. He came in a few minutes later and told me he couldn't close his eyes anymore and did I want my light on and no he didn't go poo poo. I told him he had three choices 1) going back to his crib 2) climb in bed and cuddle with me or 3) go in the other room and play and that if he turned on my light he was going back to his crib. Smart kid that he is, he chose door number 3 and (mostly) went to play on his own while I listened for problems and dosed until a more decent hour.

Still trying to win stellar mommy of the day award, Max had candy from the Easter basket that his nanny brought for him today and milk for dinner. Hey, I put my foot down after he had 3 small pieces and offered many more healthy options, but was told to "close the fridge door momma. I don't want it." Again, what's a mom to do?

I finally got around to getting new shoes for Max this weekend. His feet are 9.5 now. I'm not sure what is normal, but that just seems so big and grown. I think the last time I bought him sues he was only a 6 or 7. He's been wearing some hand-me-down shoes from a friend recently.

Max has started telling me within minutes of waking up that "No nap today. I don't want a nap today." My response is usually something like, fine, he doesn't have to nap or sleep, but he does need to spend time in his crib during nap time. He's been taking me at my word and not sleeping. This doesn't bother me as much during the week as it does on the weekend. He gets and needs and earlier bedtime these days as a result.

In other news, I'm 16w4d. I'm still spotting on and off. Mostly doing and feeling fine, but tired. I'd like to say that I've been productive, but alas, can't. Really, must make an effort to pay bills soon.

Whew!

I should probably say that the best part of the day was spending time with my son, or all the family and friends we saw today. But, I have to say that, for me, the part of the day that made me happiest was finding my long lost car keys. They have been missing for at least 2 and maybe even 4 months now and I've been using the spare set. Good thing I never got around to going to the dealer to get new ones. The second best (non family/friend thing) was when I stopped by an estate sale benefiting the Golden Retriever Rescue I foster for to check out their baby stuff. Sadly, not cribs, but they did have a small little tykes car for $10 that I got for Max. They also had a nice double stroller, but were asking $75 which was too steep for my blood. But, by the time I went back to the car for the money for the car, I ran into the lady from the rescue that matches me with the foster dogs and she was so happy to see me and said they had a present for me and took me to the double stroller. She was so excited and told me it was a gift. I insisted on donating $20 to the rescue for it. Still a good deal. The worst part of the day was having a vomit fest tonight (ah, haven't missed that the last week or so). And the second worst part of the day was not getting a break with and being really busy.

I'm company free for the first time in awhile. It's just me, a sleeping Max, a tired dog, and a sleeping cat. Whew! I need some alone time tonight.

Went public

I just went public at work about being pregnant. And, the response so far has been great. But, I am irrationally nervous. In an ideal world, pregnancy has no barring on work, but the world isn't ideal and I know it will be factored into things. So, the worry is two fold. One, now that I've gone public something bad will happen and I'll have to tell them. And, two, nothing bad will happen and worse case it will be held against me, moderate case I'm subtly judged as a result (not of being pregnant or having more children per se, but because of work assignments, impressions of my work performance, etc.). Ah, no going back now. It had to be done.

OB Apt.

Had another OB appointment today. Both babies seemed to be doing fine and were a few days ahead of schedule. Seemed to me like Baby B's heart rate was a tad slow (142 I think) and I thought I saw the u/s tech write something like low amniotic fluid, but she said all was fine and in range. My OB was out delivering babies so I waited and waited and waited and finally the other OB popped in and saw me, said all was fine, I should start seeing a doc every 2 weeks with the first peri visit in 2 weeks and 4 weeks back to my OB. No one seems concerned that I'm still spotting either. I must say even I can't muster too much concern over it these days either, although I do find it rather annoying and I'm so over it. Other than the waiting, the biggest problem was that I have been laying down for a bit as a late lunch in the afternoon once all the east coasters are gone for a short nap and I didn't get that today so I'm all tuckered out.

The Pea Removal

The pea removal actually went much better than I thought it would. After church, but before I picked up Max from his Sunday school class, I called several of the local Urgent Care Clinics. All of them referred us to the ER as they were worried that if there were difficulties it could block off an airway. So, we headed over to the ER all the while Max telling me he wanted to go home, he didn't want to go to the doctor, etc. and so on. I had to pull him out of the car and drag him screaming and crying through security and into the ER. Everyone was so nice and we were in and out in less than an hour. This is the second time I have been to this ER (the first being when Max had his first breath holding spell/stopped breathing) and I have had as positive experience as one can have considering you were in an emergency room. We were in within a few minutes of filling out paperwork. The lady that brought us back for a quick medical history and vitals was quick to assure Max that she wasn't the doctor (as he was screaming that he didn't want to see the doctor:) and put the blood pressure on me first before him and other such things to calm him. When we got taken back to a room, he started crying again, but calmed down and started checking things out when I sat on the chair instead of the bed with him and opened the curtain so he could see the comings and goings. The ER doc was great. He came in, did a quick look in Max's nose to confirm a pea was actually present and then went to get this really great tool that blows a bubble up behind the object and allowed him to quickly pull out the pea. It was all really quite quick. I wonder what it says about me that he started to ask if I needed help holding Max down, took a quick looks and said, no you have it covered. LOL. Hey, got to do what you've got to do and I'm still a lot bigger than him. I really felt like I found the perfect doc for the job. He was telling me that he used this tool in NY 10 years ago when he was a resident and he used to carry a personal one in his locker until he convinced the hospital to invest in some. And, he laughed when I told him that the Urgent Care had sent us to ER saying that was because they didn't know about this handy little tool because otherwise it is much harder with higher risk. He said the manufacturer isn't very big or well know, but (my words) they have a great nitch market. It just went well. The security guard and I were laughing because the kid who went in screaming and being dragged left with a smile on his face skipping. Then, we were off to a special Jamba Juice treat before home and nap time. Of course, we played "doctor" on and off after the ER trip where Max was the doctor and I had (at least 100) peas removed today (by one of those baby nose suctions). Before bed, he was getting on his Nemo cell phone and calling the doctor to tell them that 'Momma pea in nose. She WANTS IT OUT". For awhile, he was Dr. H (his ped) then he was "another doctor". Probably the funniest thing in the whole event was that after the pea came out, he wanted to see it so I let him hold it and I think he was going to try to eat it. I told him that one was going into the trash and we could get a fresh pea at home to eat. Lots of role play while he worked it all out and processed it all. Each time he pretended to get a pea out for me, he made sure it went into the pretend trash. Gosh, he is so darn cute and funny. All and all, I think we both got off easy on this one. And, I think he learned a huge lesson on how we don't put thing in our nose (or ears). I'm sure he won't be forgetting this lesson any time soon.

The Drama

As I told the on-call pediatrician tonight as Max was hysterical saying he didn't want to see a doctor "the good news is that he ate all his peas and asked for more, the bad news is he said he put one up his nose". The ped gave me a list of things to try to get it out, but said that if I couldn't I needed to take Max tomorrow to get it out. Since Max woke up crabby from his nap clearly not feeling well and with a runny nose, in addition to his very clear desire NOT to see a doctor, home treatments to dislodge said pea were not successful. Now, I didn't actually see Max do this, but he told me he did and that he wanted it back. It really didn't seem to bother him (unlike the call to the doctor), but apparently, if left tissue can grow over it and attach it and then it becomes a bigger problem. As I was trying to sleep...physically hindered by heartburn, a stuffy nose, and a tad of nausea...I was thinking of what a drag it was going to be tomorrow to deal with this and wondering if this was something Urgent Care could address or if it meant a trip to the ER. Fortunately, my insurance company has a 24/7 nurse line and a quick call to them, a nurse indicated that Urgent Care was the recommendation and showed me how to find close centers that take my insurance. Oh, joy of all joys. This is going to be fun -- NOT. At least Max went down without a peep and hopefully will get a good night sleep, but he is going to fight this every step of the way. The plan is to get up and go to Church/Sunday school as planned then I'm going to call the two closest centers to make sure they are open, they can deal with this situation, and how long is the expected wait and go from there. Oh, my poor baby, he was so upset tonight. And, I predicting more of the same tomorrow.

Labels

I took time off work this week to finally attend one of Max's OT appointments. It went fine. It was good to see what goes on and talk to the therapist. She says that he is doing great and may not need services after he turns three (when it moves over to the school district). Max seems to really like it and have fun. When we first got there and were walking back to the OT room, the therapist said something like "Max, you brought your mom today". Then, asked him "whose this? who did you bring today?" He looked from her to me a few times and I could see his head spinning trying to understand what she was asking since she already stated that she knew I was his mom. After a moment, he said "The cuddler". She's the cuddler." I gave him a big smile and told him how much I liked that.

Today, we got together with some single mom friends at a park. K, who is a few months younger than Max, and Max had a wonderful time playing with each other. Calling each other over to play on different parts of the play structure together and such. K knows my name and calls me by it frequently and even today while I was sitting at he picnic table. However, when we were off playing, I was "Max's Mommy". It was so cute.

Normally, I'm not a huge fan of labels. For instance, Big Fat Cow and Bitch are two I can do without. But, I have to tell you that I kind of liked both the cuddler and Max's mommy ones. Okay, who am I trying to kid. I liked them a lot.

On other news, the "M" key is no more on the laptop. Sigh. A hazard I expected at some point since I do let Max often play with the computer, but one I was hoping to avoid for a bit longer. Probably, I won't get it fixed since the laptop was so inexpensive anyway, but we will see.

Also, no more big bleeds. I'm still spotting and tired, but overall starting to feel better than I have in awhile. I still occassionally puke, but not nearly as often, especially if I avoid food from 3 pm - 8 pm ish no matter how hungry I think I might be.

Other than that, spending some time reading some mind candy novels and trying to get caught up on paperwork and bill type items.

All's fine.

As far as I know, all is fine. After the big bleed on Saturday night, it turned to spotting just like last time. Still spotting, but it is now old blood. I decided to just wait until next week to see my OB because really, there is nothing to be done anyway and I'm still feeling miserable enough that it is unlikely they are all dead in there. Sunday was busy with Church and taking/picking up a friend to/from ER and Max has been torturing me by not napping then waking up a lot at night. Last night it was something like 11, midnight, 2, 3, and 4:15. I don't really remember Sunday night. It wasn't as bad, but still several wakings. So, I've just been chilling, reading, and pondering whether I'm mildly depressed. Max finally took a nap today which means bedtime is pushed back. But, alas, no nap for me so I'm tired. The good news of the day (other than the whole Max napping thing) was that I didn't vomit at the dentists. Brushing of teeth is still a vomit trigger for me and probably it was a blessing that I barfed at home in the sink brushing before I left. I'm pretty sure I didn't role my eyes at her when she started lecturing me on how important it was to brush after puking cause it was like acid. Like I didn't know that would be the ideal gold standard. Hey, I'm just doing the best I can here.

Sleeping peacefully until.....

For the first time in weeks, I was not awaken by Max who has been boycotting naps and sleeping like crap at night. No, I was have a great, sound sleep, dreaming (although about what is completely gone now) when I get woken by another big bleed. Blood everywhere. Blood such as there could be no thought of leaving the sheets until morning and enough that it soaked through the mattress pad, a shower was the only way to clean myself and all over the floor and rugs. A big mess that is now mostly cleaned with the washer going. I'm not amused. Even less amused that the cleaning lady (my last hold out of luxury from my pre-Max days although I only indulge monthly now and will have to drop when the twins arrive...if they arrive) was here today and every thing was spic and sparkle with nice fresh sheets. The good news here is that I was at home this time. And, I'm actually less freaked this time since it has happened before and it happened before the SR with a good u/s after that so it leaves me hope that an outcome other than doom and gloom is possible. Oh, and, I'm back to vomiting again in the evenings. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely. Crap!