And so begins a new cycle and sadly I really am sitting this one completely out with no allusions of even attempting to cycle. But, at least there is a plan. -- Surgery, Wait a Cycle, Estrogen Priming Cycle, Real Cycle (and hope and pray that I at least have some kind of response). Part of me was very happy to get my period today because it is a sign that my body is at least behaving predictably badly**. Yesterday, I really didn’t think I would start for awhile and usually I can tell when I am going to. Part of me was very sad because it was the end of another cancelled cycle that although it seems so long ago now, I actually took meds for a week or so. Part relieved to have this cycle finally behind me so I can move on.
Very, very tired tonight. Probably partly because of my period and mostly because Max has been waking my up very early all week in the dreaded 4 o’clock hour. I’ve said it before, but I REALLY hate getting up in that hour. I wish he would either go back to the routine of waking up around 3:15 or 3:30 (which my body is now trained to do and I am still waking up then) take a bottle and go back to sleep (both of us) for another hour or two or stretch it out and sleep until 5 – 5:30 straight. Last night, I tried putting him down 30 minutes later and knew when I was doing it that it would probably have the reverse affect like every other time I have tried it and he woke up 30 min. early. Sigh.
Work still very, very busy. Just finished working.
Gallstone pain has started again today. Felt brief spurts of pain this morning and it is getting worse (meaning more intense pain). Sigh. Glad the surgery is schedule. I’ll probably call the internist and ask for some pain killers just in case it gets really bad over the weekend. He offered when I saw him, but I declined at the time because I thought it was a kidney stone that had already passed at the time, but he said I could call and get one if I needed it. Maybe I will ask him for Ambien (sleeping pill) as well. Have stayed away from doing so because it is something that I think I could easily become dependent on, but on the other hand, I am already taking both Tylenol PM and Valerian Root to help me sleep on a regular basis. I have had sleep issues for as long as I remember but they are a bit worse right now because I am loosing sleep on both ends. I’m having trouble falling asleep because I am working after I put Max down and not having time to unwind and then he is getting me up early. I plan to try to nap over the weekend when he does to see if it helps me feel less tired.
Anyway, off to bed. Didn’t mean to ramble. This was supposed to be short. Just wanted to say that today is the start of a new cycle and I have mixed emotions about it.
** ~ 22 day cycle if ovulating which I have been doing since my first clomid cycle in early 2003 and ~ 28 days if I did not ovulate which happened after I stopped BCP’s to start ttc until I did my first clomid cycle. Of course, at the time I didn’t KNOW I wasn’t ovulating and only grew quite frustrated with trying to BBT chart and such.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Holy Crap! (aka Max – The Climber)
Remember me saying that Max was climbing before he was walking? That I really need to watch him every second? Well, I turned my back on him for about 30 seconds while I filled up a bucket of Biz to soak his clothes from this morning (played in a mud puddle at the park) and where do I find him? On the top rung of the ladder (a tall one) I have in my guest room (think vaulted ceiling) from replacing the battery in a fire detector. The ladder was left in there/up because I can’t get the stupid cover back on. Yes, the very top. Very pleased with himself I might add and not caring a wit about the fright he gave me. Yes, I know the ladder should have been put away, but ….my excuse is that I have been keeping the door to that room closed. I guess it didn’t get closed yesterday after the cleaning person was here. I really don’t think I am a negligent mom, but sometimes I sure feel that way. I guess the good thing is that it all ended well and that he really is a very good climber. Ah, this dare devil kid of mine. Ladders at 13 months. I think this does not bode well for the future. Instead of some nice sport like track or baseball or basketball or even football, he is probably going to be interested in some off the wall extreme sport or something and things like this are just to get me prepared.
cd 28
Today is cd28. But, I’m sure I’m the only one counting/keeping track. I was wrong the other week about my period coming. Just goes to prove how screwed up my hormones are and that I didn’t ovulate this month. Good thing I didn’t waste a precious vial of sperm cycling this month as originally planned. Getting lots of zits/pimples, feeling greasy in general, and emotional. Mostly teary eyed and occasionally anxious. Lovely. I'm sure overwork, being tired, and stressed isn't helping. Decided to just see where things go since I have that surgery anyway. Speaking of which, I found out that my surgery is scheduled for October 11th at 12:30 pm. Been wondering if the whole screwed up hormone thing is my own fault for inducing a cycle when I stopped breastfeeding. Probably not, but can’t help but wonder and find a way to blame myself somehow instead of just believing that it just “is”.
Monday, September 25, 2006
“More”
Max has another word in his arsenal. The baby sign/sign language for more. He has been physically doing it on and off for a week or so, but I wasn’t sure if he really understood or knew what it meant because mostly he did it during meal time when he was towards the end of the meal. However, this morning, the smart little boy of mine showed he clearly DID understand.
We were at the park before work and he was in the swing. I had pushed him, but the swing was starting to slow down. He looked directly at me, distinctly signed “more”, and gave me a big smile. Then started laughing away when I asked him if he wanted me to push him some more. So, of course, I did. He kept signing more, more, more until he got going as fast as he wanted. When it slowed, he signed for some “more”. We had a grand ole time for about 20 minutes with this little game as he leaned his head back letting the swinging motion take him; leaning head forward to feel a different sensation.
So, we are up to two distinct signs (more and no more) and 4 words (momma, duck, quack, and cat) that I can recognize and understand. Very clever kid, if I do say so myself.
We were at the park before work and he was in the swing. I had pushed him, but the swing was starting to slow down. He looked directly at me, distinctly signed “more”, and gave me a big smile. Then started laughing away when I asked him if he wanted me to push him some more. So, of course, I did. He kept signing more, more, more until he got going as fast as he wanted. When it slowed, he signed for some “more”. We had a grand ole time for about 20 minutes with this little game as he leaned his head back letting the swinging motion take him; leaning head forward to feel a different sensation.
So, we are up to two distinct signs (more and no more) and 4 words (momma, duck, quack, and cat) that I can recognize and understand. Very clever kid, if I do say so myself.
Reason #1027
I came up with reason #1027 this weekend on why I am still single. I’d tell you what it is, but I have forgotten. I’m sure that is why the number of reasons is so high. LOL. Just kidding, I do remember, vaguely. Hey, I was drinking wine at the time and I haven’t done that in forever. It had to do with how it is still very hard for me having Niomi in my house every day touching my stuff, especially stuff in my bedroom. I mean I tolerate it, but it still bugs me, sometimes more than others. You’d think since it has been almost a year, that I would get used to it. I was telling my SMC friends how Niomi has this thing with expiration dates.* Last week, she was telling me that the milk was expired since the date on the carton was that day. I told her to use it anyway since that was a sell by date and it would be good for a few more days. Then, she goes in my room and hands me the condoms that were in my panty drawer and tells me that they expired in 2001. I agreed that they should be thrown out. Sigh. I don’t really like anyone touching my sheets or my towels, but – come on – my panty drawer? My condoms? Sigh. Her heart really is in the right place. I know this is my issue (ID as #1027). However, if I ever do need to get another nanny for some reasons, I think I am going to specify up front that my room is off limits unless specifically requested for some specific action.
* Probably, this is a good balance for me that clearly doesn’t pay enough attention to expiration dates and consciously used expired meds for my last cycle. I’m sure my lackadaisical attitude for them drives her just as crazy as her touching my stuff does me.
* Probably, this is a good balance for me that clearly doesn’t pay enough attention to expiration dates and consciously used expired meds for my last cycle. I’m sure my lackadaisical attitude for them drives her just as crazy as her touching my stuff does me.
The Best
I was thinking about what a good time I had this weekend. It got me through the work day today when people were just trying to irritate me and piss me off (not really, but it did seem that way at times).** I really enjoyed everything (expect Max’s disrupted sleep) this weekend like the kids interacting and how we all just pitched in and things got done without any one person either doing more or worse someone just sitting around doing nothing to help; how everyone had fun; how great everyone gets along. However, I really think the part I liked the best was when the kids were all asleep and we just sat around talking having real conversations that we could pay attention to and complete. It is really rare and like anything rare, making it much more precious and valuable. The only thing that would have made that better was if we could have stayed up later. LOL. However, we knew that we would have to pay the piper so went to bed at a reasonable hour.
** I really should be working now, but decided I just can’t face it even if I will pay tomorrow.
** I really should be working now, but decided I just can’t face it even if I will pay tomorrow.
The Surgeon
I met with the surgeon today about my gallbladder removal. It went well. I liked the guy. He was just a tad cocky, but I rather like that in a surgeon. I’d rather have one confident and sure of himself than not, KWIM? His stats are very, very good. Exponentially better than the national average, like he has never had to make a larger incision and the national average is 1:200. There was something else that was 1:300 that he had never have happen either, but can’t remember what stat that was. I could probably find it online if I looked. Also, he has never had a person have to get admitted with this surgery due to complication. He said “no problem” when I told him I wanted Dr. N to take a look while I was “open” and then explained that I wouldn’t really be open and how it would be 4 little incisions (causing me to laugh and say, that I really did know that). He also mentioned that I could have my appendix taken out at the same time and that it only added a few minutes to the surgery. I’m going to think about it and do a bit of research, but I can’t think of any reason why I shouldn’t. He also said, it should be no problem having the surgery the week of Oct. 9th when my cousin is here and I have vacation scheduled. All in all a good appointment. And, even though I left late from the appointment, I hit no real traffic and made it home at least 15 minutes before Niomi was scheduled to leave, although she had said it was no problem if I was late.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Great Getaway
Max and I had a wonderful weekend away with a group of SMC’s. Five terrific women with 5 terrific kids. It really was the perfect outing after the work stress and ttc obstacles every time I turn around of late. The only thing that would have made it better was if Max slept a bit more and was a little less crabby. He wasn’t terrible, but was a little off. We left at his nap time and he slept almost the whole way home. This gave us the afternoon home to get unpacked and get groceries and get ready for another week. It was like his toys were new after not seeing them for two days. :)
My heart and prayers have gone out to my friend Heather who lost her dog Daphne this past week from Cancer. Heather and I met through our dogs about 8 years ago. I had a whole blog written about it in my head, but was working late every night last week after Max went to bed so didn’t have the time. Suffice it to say that her two dogs and my two dogs were very similar. She and I both have lost our younger dog to cancer this year. I know how hard a loss this is. When we talked about it, she made an interesting comment that has stuck with me that Daphne was the last dog that would ever really be “hers” because any future pets would be more of the kids dogs. I see her point and feel her sadness. Nothing like doggie love. Nothing. Her Daphne was like my Lucky and I can still get teary eyed at the oddest times like when I see a lost Frisbee at the park because Frisbee’s were one of her all time favorite toys, especially when she was a puppy, and Lucky have been gone almost 6 months now. :(
My heart and prayers also go out to a friend of the friend that hosted us this weekend who was seriously injured in a boogie boarding accident (broke his neck) and died last week. It was a freak accident that just shows up precious life is and how quickly it can be gone. It is another reminder that I need to get my paperwork (trust and living will) in order soon. I have been saying that since before Max was born. I need to just do it. :(
Speaking of 6 months, it has been 6 months now since I started trying for a second child. It is taking its toll. The weekend away did wonders to help lighten my mood and just relax with women who get it. Three of the five of us are tying, so far unsuccessfully, for a second child.
:( ---> :)
I meet with the surgeon tomorrow about my gallstones and just remember that I have not yet filled out the paper work (hmmm, where IS that paper work?) and didn’t shower yet today and I need to load the dishwasher. Ah, life. I’m very tired, but in a good way. As opposed to the stressed out, over worked high strung tired I was last week before the weekend get away. Ah, the difference a few days away with friends can make.
My heart and prayers have gone out to my friend Heather who lost her dog Daphne this past week from Cancer. Heather and I met through our dogs about 8 years ago. I had a whole blog written about it in my head, but was working late every night last week after Max went to bed so didn’t have the time. Suffice it to say that her two dogs and my two dogs were very similar. She and I both have lost our younger dog to cancer this year. I know how hard a loss this is. When we talked about it, she made an interesting comment that has stuck with me that Daphne was the last dog that would ever really be “hers” because any future pets would be more of the kids dogs. I see her point and feel her sadness. Nothing like doggie love. Nothing. Her Daphne was like my Lucky and I can still get teary eyed at the oddest times like when I see a lost Frisbee at the park because Frisbee’s were one of her all time favorite toys, especially when she was a puppy, and Lucky have been gone almost 6 months now. :(
My heart and prayers also go out to a friend of the friend that hosted us this weekend who was seriously injured in a boogie boarding accident (broke his neck) and died last week. It was a freak accident that just shows up precious life is and how quickly it can be gone. It is another reminder that I need to get my paperwork (trust and living will) in order soon. I have been saying that since before Max was born. I need to just do it. :(
Speaking of 6 months, it has been 6 months now since I started trying for a second child. It is taking its toll. The weekend away did wonders to help lighten my mood and just relax with women who get it. Three of the five of us are tying, so far unsuccessfully, for a second child.
:( ---> :)
I meet with the surgeon tomorrow about my gallstones and just remember that I have not yet filled out the paper work (hmmm, where IS that paper work?) and didn’t shower yet today and I need to load the dishwasher. Ah, life. I’m very tired, but in a good way. As opposed to the stressed out, over worked high strung tired I was last week before the weekend get away. Ah, the difference a few days away with friends can make.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
On and In
Until the last week, Max has only taken things off or out. The blocks/shapes OUT of the container or the blocks OFF of the train or spike that held them. He has, just in these last few days, started putting things ON and IN. He put a block back ON the train a few days ago. He got so happy when I cheered him that he did it a few more times just for the glorious praise. Then, last night, he started putting the blocks back IN the container. I again gave him lots of praise and cheered and clapped and told him how great it was that he was cleaning up. I really did it up. He was so proud and thrilled he had to do it again and again, with the same block. Very funny!
Later last night, I was preparing a bath for him and turned around to find out that he had put the book he was carrying with him IN the toilet. To which he got a groan and a Max, we do not play in the toilet. LOL.
Ah, this child development is just truly amazing. This kid of mine is just truly amazing!
Later last night, I was preparing a bath for him and turned around to find out that he had put the book he was carrying with him IN the toilet. To which he got a groan and a Max, we do not play in the toilet. LOL.
Ah, this child development is just truly amazing. This kid of mine is just truly amazing!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Lobulated
What does lobulated mean?
According to my RE, “It means bumpy.”
Why do I care?
When I picked up my medical records from the CT Scan it said "The uterus is slightly lobulated, perhaps related to fibroids".
When I asked my RE what it meant, he said “It means bumpy. Most commonly, fibroids can cause this. You do have small (<2 cm) fibroids on your uterus, but I would not remove these as they can cause more problems such as scarring on the uterus.”
And, this is how I found out, just today, that I have fibroids again. The news keeps getting better and better. I had what was thought to be two small fibroids (but, turned out to be 5 small fibroids) removed in August 2004 after my first m/c because recent studies were showing that small fibroids could cause m/c in up to 50% of the time. And then, I conceived and carried Max to term. Most likely, my recent m/c (and who knows probably my first one as well) was caused by bad egg quality and not fibroids. I just felt so much better having them removed and could have sworn that I was told I had no fibroids or polyps after my fluid u/s done before I started down this T42 path. Maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear. Maybe Dr. N thought it was so insignificant that he didn’t mention it. Maybe Dr. N knew that I would be upset by this news and decided to let me live in blissful ignorance for awhile. Maybe there weren’t there then, but are now. I have the report from my fluid u/s and while I can’t really read most of what it says (I think Dr.’s have terrible penmanship and use obscure abbreviations for a reason), I am almost positive that it doesn’t say anything about fibroids on it.
This news makes me want to cry all over again. This whole T42 thing just seems so hopeless right now.
According to my RE, “It means bumpy.”
Why do I care?
When I picked up my medical records from the CT Scan it said "The uterus is slightly lobulated, perhaps related to fibroids".
When I asked my RE what it meant, he said “It means bumpy. Most commonly, fibroids can cause this. You do have small (<2 cm) fibroids on your uterus, but I would not remove these as they can cause more problems such as scarring on the uterus.”
And, this is how I found out, just today, that I have fibroids again. The news keeps getting better and better. I had what was thought to be two small fibroids (but, turned out to be 5 small fibroids) removed in August 2004 after my first m/c because recent studies were showing that small fibroids could cause m/c in up to 50% of the time. And then, I conceived and carried Max to term. Most likely, my recent m/c (and who knows probably my first one as well) was caused by bad egg quality and not fibroids. I just felt so much better having them removed and could have sworn that I was told I had no fibroids or polyps after my fluid u/s done before I started down this T42 path. Maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear. Maybe Dr. N thought it was so insignificant that he didn’t mention it. Maybe Dr. N knew that I would be upset by this news and decided to let me live in blissful ignorance for awhile. Maybe there weren’t there then, but are now. I have the report from my fluid u/s and while I can’t really read most of what it says (I think Dr.’s have terrible penmanship and use obscure abbreviations for a reason), I am almost positive that it doesn’t say anything about fibroids on it.
This news makes me want to cry all over again. This whole T42 thing just seems so hopeless right now.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Irony
Sometimes, I find irony all around me. Anyone else see the irony in me picking up a prescription for birth control pills and for pre-natal vitamins from the pharmacy today, at the same time? The BCP’s were my idea. Love BCP’s. Forgot how much until I went on them again for that terrible IVF attempt. Asked my RE about them and if he thought they would help or make matters worse. He said they wouldn’t make matters worse and could help. I’m still laughing about that one when I think of it. Unless I am mistaken, which doesn’t happen very often in such matters, my period should be here sometime tonight or tomorrow. Not that anyone other than me is keeping track, but today is cd19 and tomorrow is cd20. Stellar, huh?
Friday, September 15, 2006
Inconsolable
Poor little guy! Max woke up a bit ago completely inconsolable. At first, I thought it was just his being overtired since he didn’t nap well today, but quickly realized that something more was wrong. He just cried and cried and cried. His face and eyes got all red and splotchy just like mine do after a big upset. Usually, momma cuddles are enough, but not so tonight. In addition to momma cuddles, I tried a bottle (that I am supposed to be weaning him from), a visit to momma’s bed (which usually brings a laugh or two of joy, but no sleeping), some pacing, and finally Baby Mozart which he watched cuddled in my arms with his blankie and his face nestled into my chest. The DVD calmed him enough to take some Tylenol. The Tylenol was in effect by the time the DVD ended and a few minutes of his normal bedtime routine did the trick and he was back him bed. I guess maybe he is getting sick? Seriously, I think only one other time did he get that worked up and that was after his 6 month shots. We will see what the rest of the night brings.
I had gone to bed a bit early because I was tired and it has been a long, busy week at work, but was not yet asleep (when Max awoke) because my neighbor’s dog barking, and barking, and barking. I really feel sorry for that dog. He is just a puppy and gets left alone outside a lot. Unfortunately, the whole neighborhood is affected. Good thing I like those neighbors.
Not much going on this week other than life.
Work has been busy. Max took a fall and was bleeding from his mouth earlier in the week which had me a bit rattled. That is the first time he “bled”. While I’m not fond of vomit (although Max hasn’t really done that yet either), diarrhea, poop, pee, and such, I typically deal well with it. But, blood, I’m not a big fan of, especially when it is coming out of his mouth when he is doing that whole not breathing, breath holding spell thing. A few friends calmed my fears, but I did make an appointment for a pediatric dentist. Max did well except for the time when the dentist actually looked in his mouth. A minor cut behind his front tooth which is a bit loose. Glad I took him for the reassurance and to have the relationship established. I really like the dentist and her office – a lot. Between our discussion in the office and the letter and material she sent in follow up, probably because she could tell I wasn’t really committed, I am seriously thinking of weaning Max from the bottle soon. I’m just not ready for the battle and the likely impact to my sleep yet. Soon though.
Niomi’s English is getting better these days. She has started laughing at some of my stupid jokes and comments to Max lately. This evening when we were getting ready to walk Shadow and Max was so so tired. I told him I was going to give him a bottle of water (instead of the cups I have been), but the dentist told me “no bottle” so he better not tell her the next time we went in. Of course, Max didn’t have a clue and gladly took the bottle and started sucking on it. Niomi laughed. Made me laugh and happy. I wonder if my working from home and hearing me on the phone so much is helping combined with the summer English class she and her cousin took on Saturday’s.
After Max is asleep, I have pretty much been a couch potato and watched TV, which the dog and the cat have LOVED. Mostly, I am not a big TV watcher and can go weeks and months without ever turning it on. I’ve made up for it lately watching several hours each night. I’ve been kind of in hermit/”cave in” mode and haven’t really even talked on the phone like I normally would. Just haven’t felt like it. It was actually a nice to be so quiet in the evenings after such a busy work week.
So, like I said, not much going on except normal life stuff. Being benched is very boring, but probably a good thing not only physically but because my work schedule is really going to be quite crazy probably from now to the end of the year. Somehow, I will make time for the surgery and the cycling when given the go ahead. I don’t meet with the surgeon until the end of the month. I called 3 and set up 2 consults, but cancelled one of them because I don’t really like the hospital he does surgery out of.
I was tired before and am even more tired now several hours later so I think I will give my second go round of sleep another shot. Max is peacefully asleep again. My neighbors are home and their dog has stopped his doggie cries. Sweet dreams.
I had gone to bed a bit early because I was tired and it has been a long, busy week at work, but was not yet asleep (when Max awoke) because my neighbor’s dog barking, and barking, and barking. I really feel sorry for that dog. He is just a puppy and gets left alone outside a lot. Unfortunately, the whole neighborhood is affected. Good thing I like those neighbors.
Not much going on this week other than life.
Work has been busy. Max took a fall and was bleeding from his mouth earlier in the week which had me a bit rattled. That is the first time he “bled”. While I’m not fond of vomit (although Max hasn’t really done that yet either), diarrhea, poop, pee, and such, I typically deal well with it. But, blood, I’m not a big fan of, especially when it is coming out of his mouth when he is doing that whole not breathing, breath holding spell thing. A few friends calmed my fears, but I did make an appointment for a pediatric dentist. Max did well except for the time when the dentist actually looked in his mouth. A minor cut behind his front tooth which is a bit loose. Glad I took him for the reassurance and to have the relationship established. I really like the dentist and her office – a lot. Between our discussion in the office and the letter and material she sent in follow up, probably because she could tell I wasn’t really committed, I am seriously thinking of weaning Max from the bottle soon. I’m just not ready for the battle and the likely impact to my sleep yet. Soon though.
Niomi’s English is getting better these days. She has started laughing at some of my stupid jokes and comments to Max lately. This evening when we were getting ready to walk Shadow and Max was so so tired. I told him I was going to give him a bottle of water (instead of the cups I have been), but the dentist told me “no bottle” so he better not tell her the next time we went in. Of course, Max didn’t have a clue and gladly took the bottle and started sucking on it. Niomi laughed. Made me laugh and happy. I wonder if my working from home and hearing me on the phone so much is helping combined with the summer English class she and her cousin took on Saturday’s.
After Max is asleep, I have pretty much been a couch potato and watched TV, which the dog and the cat have LOVED. Mostly, I am not a big TV watcher and can go weeks and months without ever turning it on. I’ve made up for it lately watching several hours each night. I’ve been kind of in hermit/”cave in” mode and haven’t really even talked on the phone like I normally would. Just haven’t felt like it. It was actually a nice to be so quiet in the evenings after such a busy work week.
So, like I said, not much going on except normal life stuff. Being benched is very boring, but probably a good thing not only physically but because my work schedule is really going to be quite crazy probably from now to the end of the year. Somehow, I will make time for the surgery and the cycling when given the go ahead. I don’t meet with the surgeon until the end of the month. I called 3 and set up 2 consults, but cancelled one of them because I don’t really like the hospital he does surgery out of.
I was tired before and am even more tired now several hours later so I think I will give my second go round of sleep another shot. Max is peacefully asleep again. My neighbors are home and their dog has stopped his doggie cries. Sweet dreams.
Monday, September 11, 2006
OPK’s
I’m so glad that the OPK’s that I ordered back in early August finally arrived today – NOT. I meant to cancel the order when they didn’t show up in a timely fashion, but never got around to it. Yes, it was a good deal, but completely irrelevant right now with non-functioning ovaries.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
TESE and other random thoughts on a Sunday night
I have been thinking about TESE, among other things, this weekend. My lack of ovarian response would be a non issue if they had a TESE type procedure for women like they do for men. Right after I invent something to eliminate the 2ww and all the torture that goes with it, I will begin focusing on harvesting of eggs without having to recruit and mature them internally first. Oh wait, I need to fit in the development and marketing of my “black line” first. You know, the black pads, black panties, and black tissue so you don’t have to see the spotting and blood when you don’t want to like m/c or the start of a period on a failed cycle. I am sure any one of these ideas could make some real money if I could figure it out that could be used for many things like financing my baby making efforts and allowing me to be the stay at home mom I would love to be.
I spent most of Max’s nap this morning typing a really, really long email to my RE. It was a busy, but mostly good weekend that included dropping my mom at the airport, attending a 4 year old birthday party and going to our local SMC get together. After about the 3rd or 4th time I burst into tears after people asked how my t42 efforts were going at the SMC party, people stopped asking. :<) I had a good time in spite of my personal drama. These women are my friends and the core of my support group. They are really my only confidents in my ttc efforts. And, they care. In years past, I would have avoided going to such an event after such bad news because it would have been too hard. I didn’t really even consider it this time. We celebrated our 2nd Year Anniversary as a group. In the last two years, I have built some good strong friendships with many of these women. I think they really are some of the best women I have ever met. They “get it” in ways other people never really can.
You know, my life would really suck right now if Max wasn’t a part of it. He really is the light in my life right now. I can’t mope and brood endlessly because I have to see to him and give him the love and attention he deserves.
For the first time this weekend, I regretted weaning Max early. I have nothing to show for the wasted months except more expenses/less money from pricy formula, drugs that did nothing but screw my up physically, and medical procedures. Given the same set of circumstances, I would make the same decision. Hindsight is almost always a wonderful thing.
In a way, I feel like such a smuk for being upset that my t42 efforts are going badly and may never work when so many of my friends have not yet conceived their first child. It makes me feel greedy. On the other hand, secondary infertility is real and my feelings are my feelings.
My drive to have a bigger family is strong. I always, always, always wanted more than one child. Often SMC’s talk about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A was get married, have children together, build a family. Plan B was have child(ren), build a mom and kid family, and be open to the possibility of marriage in the future. Since I started this ttc process several years ago, I have realized that I was never really committed to Plan A like I am to Plan B. Plan A has always felt like a nice to have. Plan B is more like a deep seeded unquenchable quest. It was a must have. Having Max only increases my desire to have more children not detract.
This weekend for the very first time I thought of just stopping and trying to be content with a life with Max as an only child. It feels like the wrong decision. Somehow, someway, I will continue to pursue building my family. I may change my mind at some point in the future, but right now, I affirmed for myself that I am not at the end of my rope yet. I am not ready to give up. I may be down, but I am not yet out.
I spent most of Max’s nap this morning typing a really, really long email to my RE. It was a busy, but mostly good weekend that included dropping my mom at the airport, attending a 4 year old birthday party and going to our local SMC get together. After about the 3rd or 4th time I burst into tears after people asked how my t42 efforts were going at the SMC party, people stopped asking. :<) I had a good time in spite of my personal drama. These women are my friends and the core of my support group. They are really my only confidents in my ttc efforts. And, they care. In years past, I would have avoided going to such an event after such bad news because it would have been too hard. I didn’t really even consider it this time. We celebrated our 2nd Year Anniversary as a group. In the last two years, I have built some good strong friendships with many of these women. I think they really are some of the best women I have ever met. They “get it” in ways other people never really can.
You know, my life would really suck right now if Max wasn’t a part of it. He really is the light in my life right now. I can’t mope and brood endlessly because I have to see to him and give him the love and attention he deserves.
For the first time this weekend, I regretted weaning Max early. I have nothing to show for the wasted months except more expenses/less money from pricy formula, drugs that did nothing but screw my up physically, and medical procedures. Given the same set of circumstances, I would make the same decision. Hindsight is almost always a wonderful thing.
In a way, I feel like such a smuk for being upset that my t42 efforts are going badly and may never work when so many of my friends have not yet conceived their first child. It makes me feel greedy. On the other hand, secondary infertility is real and my feelings are my feelings.
My drive to have a bigger family is strong. I always, always, always wanted more than one child. Often SMC’s talk about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A was get married, have children together, build a family. Plan B was have child(ren), build a mom and kid family, and be open to the possibility of marriage in the future. Since I started this ttc process several years ago, I have realized that I was never really committed to Plan A like I am to Plan B. Plan A has always felt like a nice to have. Plan B is more like a deep seeded unquenchable quest. It was a must have. Having Max only increases my desire to have more children not detract.
This weekend for the very first time I thought of just stopping and trying to be content with a life with Max as an only child. It feels like the wrong decision. Somehow, someway, I will continue to pursue building my family. I may change my mind at some point in the future, but right now, I affirmed for myself that I am not at the end of my rope yet. I am not ready to give up. I may be down, but I am not yet out.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Non Responder
As much as I hated the poor responder label and the fact that I never responded well to stims, I have decided that being a non-responder is infinitely worse. At least with a poor response, there was a chance, even if it was a small one. Right now, my chance of conceiving is zero. I can’t even do an unmedicated IUI because my ovaries have just flat shut down. I have been thinking about this a lot today. I have been mulling things over. I have a lot of questions for my RE and an idea or two, but just don’t feel up to writing the email. It has been a busy day and I am feeling drained, emotionally and physically. And, the headache I have isn’t helping.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Benched, maybe forever
I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now and how sorry I am feeling for myself at the moment. Today, for the very first time I have to face the very real possibility that Max may never have a sibling, at least not a genetically related one. It’s a really scary thought and no matter how much I hope or want it to be different will make it so.
My ovaries are flat out not responding. They have just decided not to play the game.
Today is cd9. I had one follicle at 5 on the left. As usual, nothing on the right. My lining was only 8. So, stopping all meds and benched until at least December. While I wait, my RE recommends surgery to remove my gall bladder. He said we have one more protocol to try, estrogen priming, and that if that doesn’t work we are out of options for me except adoption or donor egg.
There are more details and nuances, but I just don’t have it in me to get into them right now. I’m going to try to dry my tears and collect myself before Niomi and Max return from the park and continue my pity party after Max goes to bed tonight.
My ovaries are flat out not responding. They have just decided not to play the game.
Today is cd9. I had one follicle at 5 on the left. As usual, nothing on the right. My lining was only 8. So, stopping all meds and benched until at least December. While I wait, my RE recommends surgery to remove my gall bladder. He said we have one more protocol to try, estrogen priming, and that if that doesn’t work we are out of options for me except adoption or donor egg.
There are more details and nuances, but I just don’t have it in me to get into them right now. I’m going to try to dry my tears and collect myself before Niomi and Max return from the park and continue my pity party after Max goes to bed tonight.
Helpful or Not Helpful?
You be the judge seeing as I am feeling a bit (okay A LOT) tired today and a tad grumpy. Had FAB night out with the girls last night while my sister stayed with Max. Anyway, I digress.
Max has been on the best nap schedule lately that I ever remember in his life. Down at 10 am ish and sleeping 2 – 3 hours for a nap. Then, sleeping from 7 pm – 6 am at night. No fuss, no crying.
I have had to be very specific with Niomi* with having Max back at home by at least 9:45 am so he can unwind, read books, and settle a bit so he is ready for crib and sleep at 10 am after Tuesday where the window of opportunity was missed with him being put down late resulting in crying, only a 30 min. nap, and up for several hours at night. Since then, she has been very good about having him back and settled and in crib by 10 am. This morning included.
HOWEVER
This morning, after Max had been in the crib for about 5 min. and before he was actually asleep she went in and started vacuuming his room. Anyone besides me see that this is not actually conducive to him actually falling asleep? Anyone else thing this is not really helpful in calming a kid who is trying to fall asleep? I have told her before to just not vacuum his room if he is asleep. I think she could tell I was a little miffed when I told her once again (in a tone that was a bit sharper than I like to use) to not vacuum Max’s room when he was asleep. She told me he wasn’t asleep yet and was standing up in his crib. I just took a deep breadth while thinking sure he was with all that activity and thinking he might get saved from a nap and explained that she should not vacuum his room anytime he was in his crib asleep or not and she could either vacuum his room before or after his nap or not at all. Of course, Max was screaming by now and would not be easily soothed, but finally did get him down for a nap. To me, this just seems like common sense, but I now realize I just needed to be clearer/more explicit in my instructions. Sigh.
In other news, it was great to get out last night, but got home a bit late and then had trouble falling asleep. My sister confirmed that Max is going through a Mommy phase all of a sudden. She said that right after I left last night, Max looked around and realized I wasn’t there and got panicked and did his little breath holding spell for her. She freaked out a bit and said he wasn’t breathing for about a minute, but then started breathing again and that she was never so happy to hear a kid scream. She said after raising two kids and being around so many more she hasn’t seen anything like it. Yeah, I know. Truly, I know. I told her what the ER doctor told me, that it only FELT like a minute but since he didn’t turn blue or pass out, likely it wasn’t THAT long. But, it really is quite freaky when it happens. I think you have to experience it to truly get how awful it is. Sadly, it does happen a few times a week so I am not personally as worried about it anymore. I usually just blow in his face and calmly instruct him to breath and this does the trick. He hasn’t gone limp and I haven’t had to do mouth to mouth after that first time. Still, scary stuff. After that, she said he was fine until bedtime where she could tell that he really missed me, but he did go down after about 5 – 10 minutes of fussing. When I went in to check on him when I got home, he woke right up when I walked in the room, stood up in his crib, and clung to me. I cuddled with him and did the night time rock and song I normally do for him and he fell happily back to sleep. Ah, if I had done the same.
Off to see RE in a bit to see if I have any follicles growing. I’m not expecting a stellar response. I have been totally having hot flashes the last few days so my latest worry is that I am now in menopause and my ovaries have just decided to shut down and not play the game anymore. I hope I am pleasantly surprised this afternoon.
I had an awful dream the other day that when I went in to today’s appointment my RE told me he didn’t want to be my RE anymore and I would start seeing the new RE at our clinic. After psychoanalyzing it, I realized that I have been secretly worried that my IUI will be on Monday when my RE is teaching 2 hours away and that the new RE would have to do my IUI. Not thrilled with that prospect, but have had time to get used to it should that be the case and realize at least that means I had some kind of a response. Would prefer to have an u/s or two with the guy first, not that an IUI is that hard of a procedure. Have not yet told/emailed my RE to tell him I changed my protocol and used expired meds and have gall stones. Sigh. Running out of time on that.
Have I mentioned how tired I am? How I can’t focus? How much I want to sleep? I can’t even look forward to a nice nap this weekend because have too much going on both days. I guess I will just have to go to sleep a decent time tonight and hope that Max’s good sleep trend continues at least until tomorrow where I will royally screw up his schedule to drop my mom off at the airport and attend a local SMC get together right during his prime nap time. Should bode well - ha ha – NOT. Just hope he can handle the party with no or little nap and I don’t pay too much tomorrow night.
* Niomi got a return to school/work note from the dr.’s office last week when she called in sick (so very cute) that confirmed her name really is spelt Niomi not Naomi like I really thought.
Max has been on the best nap schedule lately that I ever remember in his life. Down at 10 am ish and sleeping 2 – 3 hours for a nap. Then, sleeping from 7 pm – 6 am at night. No fuss, no crying.
I have had to be very specific with Niomi* with having Max back at home by at least 9:45 am so he can unwind, read books, and settle a bit so he is ready for crib and sleep at 10 am after Tuesday where the window of opportunity was missed with him being put down late resulting in crying, only a 30 min. nap, and up for several hours at night. Since then, she has been very good about having him back and settled and in crib by 10 am. This morning included.
HOWEVER
This morning, after Max had been in the crib for about 5 min. and before he was actually asleep she went in and started vacuuming his room. Anyone besides me see that this is not actually conducive to him actually falling asleep? Anyone else thing this is not really helpful in calming a kid who is trying to fall asleep? I have told her before to just not vacuum his room if he is asleep. I think she could tell I was a little miffed when I told her once again (in a tone that was a bit sharper than I like to use) to not vacuum Max’s room when he was asleep. She told me he wasn’t asleep yet and was standing up in his crib. I just took a deep breadth while thinking sure he was with all that activity and thinking he might get saved from a nap and explained that she should not vacuum his room anytime he was in his crib asleep or not and she could either vacuum his room before or after his nap or not at all. Of course, Max was screaming by now and would not be easily soothed, but finally did get him down for a nap. To me, this just seems like common sense, but I now realize I just needed to be clearer/more explicit in my instructions. Sigh.
In other news, it was great to get out last night, but got home a bit late and then had trouble falling asleep. My sister confirmed that Max is going through a Mommy phase all of a sudden. She said that right after I left last night, Max looked around and realized I wasn’t there and got panicked and did his little breath holding spell for her. She freaked out a bit and said he wasn’t breathing for about a minute, but then started breathing again and that she was never so happy to hear a kid scream. She said after raising two kids and being around so many more she hasn’t seen anything like it. Yeah, I know. Truly, I know. I told her what the ER doctor told me, that it only FELT like a minute but since he didn’t turn blue or pass out, likely it wasn’t THAT long. But, it really is quite freaky when it happens. I think you have to experience it to truly get how awful it is. Sadly, it does happen a few times a week so I am not personally as worried about it anymore. I usually just blow in his face and calmly instruct him to breath and this does the trick. He hasn’t gone limp and I haven’t had to do mouth to mouth after that first time. Still, scary stuff. After that, she said he was fine until bedtime where she could tell that he really missed me, but he did go down after about 5 – 10 minutes of fussing. When I went in to check on him when I got home, he woke right up when I walked in the room, stood up in his crib, and clung to me. I cuddled with him and did the night time rock and song I normally do for him and he fell happily back to sleep. Ah, if I had done the same.
Off to see RE in a bit to see if I have any follicles growing. I’m not expecting a stellar response. I have been totally having hot flashes the last few days so my latest worry is that I am now in menopause and my ovaries have just decided to shut down and not play the game anymore. I hope I am pleasantly surprised this afternoon.
I had an awful dream the other day that when I went in to today’s appointment my RE told me he didn’t want to be my RE anymore and I would start seeing the new RE at our clinic. After psychoanalyzing it, I realized that I have been secretly worried that my IUI will be on Monday when my RE is teaching 2 hours away and that the new RE would have to do my IUI. Not thrilled with that prospect, but have had time to get used to it should that be the case and realize at least that means I had some kind of a response. Would prefer to have an u/s or two with the guy first, not that an IUI is that hard of a procedure. Have not yet told/emailed my RE to tell him I changed my protocol and used expired meds and have gall stones. Sigh. Running out of time on that.
Have I mentioned how tired I am? How I can’t focus? How much I want to sleep? I can’t even look forward to a nice nap this weekend because have too much going on both days. I guess I will just have to go to sleep a decent time tonight and hope that Max’s good sleep trend continues at least until tomorrow where I will royally screw up his schedule to drop my mom off at the airport and attend a local SMC get together right during his prime nap time. Should bode well - ha ha – NOT. Just hope he can handle the party with no or little nap and I don’t pay too much tomorrow night.
* Niomi got a return to school/work note from the dr.’s office last week when she called in sick (so very cute) that confirmed her name really is spelt Niomi not Naomi like I really thought.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Weekend Transitions
I know I have said it before, but here it goes again. Given the choice, if it was an option, which it is not, I could totally be a stay at home mom. Before Max, I never expected to feel that way. I couldn’t imagine not working. Now, my job is my job and I feel like I live to spend time away from work with my son.
This last weekend was great. We had three whole days together. We had such a good time. On Saturday, we went to a park by the beach with my friend and her kids. On Sunday, we just hung out together all day. On Monday, we went to the Aquarium with a friend and her daughter.
Max was on a terrific sleep and nap schedule all weekend. That went by the way side yesterday with only a 30 min. nap in the morning compared to 2 – 3 hour nap over the weekend and a 5 min. nap in the afternoon. And, for the first time in a long time he was up in the night and fussy for awhile probably because he was over tired. Or, it could have been a combination of that and hungry from a growth spurt, teething, and tummy troubles since he didn’t have a BM yesterday for the first time in quite a while.
Yes, I have found that I need to plan activities, especially in the afternoon, to keep him from getting bored and into trouble. He just loves to spend time with other kids and “go”. It doesn’t really matter where we are going a trip to the store is just as good as a walk with the dog or an outing with friends.
In some ways, I find that the stage Max is in right now is a bit more boring or mind numbing for me then when he was a baby because he is quite independent and some of the things that engage him are repetition. For example, as he plays with the door and open/closes it I label what he is doing “open, closed, open, closed, open, open, open, closed”. When we read books, often, he wants to turn the pages and read it himself as I stare off into space. When I get really bored, I pick up another book and read it until he decides he now wants to “read” that one. (smile) I have two sets of alphabet letters for the tub so “I” can spell words while Max bathes that he gladly swats off giving me another opportunity to spell more words like his name. I need to be there to help him when the push toy gets stuck and he gets frustrated, otherwise, just let him play and explore and learn. I try not to stifle him, but be there for him when he wants me to be.
Sometimes, he will just waddle over for a quick hug. Sometimes, when reading, he will climb into my lap. Last night, we just both laid on the floor watching a DVD before he went to bed. When I laid down, he scotched over and put his head right next to mine using my neck as his pillow. When he isn’t so tired, we are both quite fond of mommy jungle gym where we roll around on the floor and cuddle/wrestle. I just so love those moments.
I never expected to want to spend so much time with him. It is addictive. I think for both of us.
Yesterday, it was hard to transition back to work for me and back to spending his days with Niomi. When I told him I was going to take a shower and then go to work, he started crying and reached for me for a hug. Actually, he did that several times during the day when I would go out for lunch, the bathroom, etc. He even made it into my office once or twice looking for me. In some ways, I was glad that he wanted to spend time with me as much as I did with him. And, sad, that we just can’t spend all day every day together. I have found Monday’s a bit harder of a transition in general, but it was really hard after three whole days together. It isn’t as if he isn’t glad to see Niomi and I am not happy with her overall. He is and I am. It just isn’t the same as being able to hang out together. We just have a different routine and a different rhythm on our days together. One, apparently, we both like a little better.
Gosh, my son is just such a great kid. I am constantly amazed by that fact.
Quick Cycle Update: The hardest part of this cycle is remembering that I am cycling and that I need to take my stims. I took the last of the Fermara/Letrozol this morning. I’ve been doing the shots in the evening. Appointment on Friday late afternoon for a follicle check. Not expecting great numbers, but at least TWO follicles in range would be nice.
CT Scan Results: Finally got the results of my CT Scan last night. Got a call from the Dr. himself. That is probably why it took so long. And, the verdict is….1) Gallstones 2) High Cholesterol.
This last weekend was great. We had three whole days together. We had such a good time. On Saturday, we went to a park by the beach with my friend and her kids. On Sunday, we just hung out together all day. On Monday, we went to the Aquarium with a friend and her daughter.
Max was on a terrific sleep and nap schedule all weekend. That went by the way side yesterday with only a 30 min. nap in the morning compared to 2 – 3 hour nap over the weekend and a 5 min. nap in the afternoon. And, for the first time in a long time he was up in the night and fussy for awhile probably because he was over tired. Or, it could have been a combination of that and hungry from a growth spurt, teething, and tummy troubles since he didn’t have a BM yesterday for the first time in quite a while.
Yes, I have found that I need to plan activities, especially in the afternoon, to keep him from getting bored and into trouble. He just loves to spend time with other kids and “go”. It doesn’t really matter where we are going a trip to the store is just as good as a walk with the dog or an outing with friends.
In some ways, I find that the stage Max is in right now is a bit more boring or mind numbing for me then when he was a baby because he is quite independent and some of the things that engage him are repetition. For example, as he plays with the door and open/closes it I label what he is doing “open, closed, open, closed, open, open, open, closed”. When we read books, often, he wants to turn the pages and read it himself as I stare off into space. When I get really bored, I pick up another book and read it until he decides he now wants to “read” that one. (smile) I have two sets of alphabet letters for the tub so “I” can spell words while Max bathes that he gladly swats off giving me another opportunity to spell more words like his name. I need to be there to help him when the push toy gets stuck and he gets frustrated, otherwise, just let him play and explore and learn. I try not to stifle him, but be there for him when he wants me to be.
Sometimes, he will just waddle over for a quick hug. Sometimes, when reading, he will climb into my lap. Last night, we just both laid on the floor watching a DVD before he went to bed. When I laid down, he scotched over and put his head right next to mine using my neck as his pillow. When he isn’t so tired, we are both quite fond of mommy jungle gym where we roll around on the floor and cuddle/wrestle. I just so love those moments.
I never expected to want to spend so much time with him. It is addictive. I think for both of us.
Yesterday, it was hard to transition back to work for me and back to spending his days with Niomi. When I told him I was going to take a shower and then go to work, he started crying and reached for me for a hug. Actually, he did that several times during the day when I would go out for lunch, the bathroom, etc. He even made it into my office once or twice looking for me. In some ways, I was glad that he wanted to spend time with me as much as I did with him. And, sad, that we just can’t spend all day every day together. I have found Monday’s a bit harder of a transition in general, but it was really hard after three whole days together. It isn’t as if he isn’t glad to see Niomi and I am not happy with her overall. He is and I am. It just isn’t the same as being able to hang out together. We just have a different routine and a different rhythm on our days together. One, apparently, we both like a little better.
Gosh, my son is just such a great kid. I am constantly amazed by that fact.
Quick Cycle Update: The hardest part of this cycle is remembering that I am cycling and that I need to take my stims. I took the last of the Fermara/Letrozol this morning. I’ve been doing the shots in the evening. Appointment on Friday late afternoon for a follicle check. Not expecting great numbers, but at least TWO follicles in range would be nice.
CT Scan Results: Finally got the results of my CT Scan last night. Got a call from the Dr. himself. That is probably why it took so long. And, the verdict is….1) Gallstones 2) High Cholesterol.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Cycle #8
Cycle #8 began today with a baseline u/s. No cyst on left ovary. Hmmm. Wonder what that pressure I have been feeling over there is from then. The nurse, Dr. N, and I agreed to call today cd2, so I guess the cycle technically began yesterday. I start stims tomorrow and go back next Friday for a follicle check. Maybe this time will work. Maybe.
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