It has been a busy week as I get things done from “the list”.
Monday - Meet with Doula. Decided to go with her.
Tuesday - Chiropractor Apt.. Love Dr. Dan. He is the man!
Wednesday – Dentist Apt. Three months late on teeth cleaning, but done now.
Thursday – Lucky Chemo. Decide on more aggressive treatment.
Friday – Car Serviced. 2K over due for 30K service.
I was so wiped earlier today that I didn’t meet up with a friend in from out of town that I haven’t seen in a year when she was as pregnant as I am now. Her son is already almost 9 months. Wow, what a year.
Any yet, it is now 10:30 pm and I am still up. Why?
While I have been busy getting things done, something has been weighing heavy on my mind. What happens if I die in childbirth or something happens to me, but the baby lives? Now, I don’t actually think this will happen and I am not worried about it in the paranoid way that I am that Audrey will die in utero or during labor. But, it must be considered. As a single woman, I have heard/been told that if I die, and I have not made prior arrangements (like a Will, etc.), she will be put in foster care until things get sorted out. How can I leave that to chance? I didn’t go through all that I have gone through to have her put in foster care with someone who may or may not love and cherish her.
I love my family dearly and any of them would take in my child and raise her, but for various reasons this wasn’t sitting well with me. Two of my sisters already have children and my youngest sister I’m not confident that she would raise Audrey like I would want her to be raised. If I had to pick among family, my first choice would be my cousin Terri and her husband. She would raise her most like I would want. But, again, she already has her children and her husband has had the snip/snip to prevent more. The more I thought and pondered the situation, what I realized I wanted was for Audrey to go to someone who has been trying unsuccessfully to have a child and who also has similar views as mine. Someone who wouldn’t just “take in” Audrey, but would WANT Audrey. Someone who would love and cherish her like their own. Someone who has wanted and tried to be a mom, but hasn’t yet achieved that goal. I feel best about that decision.
Two names easily came to mind and I talked to both of them this week. The first, who I am actually closer to in terms of friendship on a day to day basis, was a little hesitant and I don’t really think understood why I wouldn’t have Audrey go to family. The second one right away said she would be honored and completely understood my thought process. She knows it is very, very unlikely, but she would be thrilled. Yes, sad for me, but happy. If that makes sense. I just feel really good about the choice. If I have to go, I want someone who has struggled and appreciate the miracle of my daughter. Someone who would raise her as well as, if not better, than I would do myself. I feel like this person would do that, without a question, hands down.
I talked to my cousin tonight about what I wanted and my thought process. She understood. She asked that she be put down as second choice in case something happened to my first choice, but she understood why I would want Audrey to be a miracle to someone who has struggled and is not yet a mom. She advised that I leave a letter explaining my choice and rational to my sisters/mom. When I was telling her what a great idea that was so I didn’t have to hear about it and defend my position, she chimed in that she hadn’t thought about that, she just didn’t want to have to be the one to explain it. LOL. We agreed that this is something they don’t need to know unless it actually happens and then I will be dead and then she will have to deal with it.
While we were on morbid discussions and for the record, I don’t want to be on life support (pull the plug); cremate me (I don’t care what happens to the ashes…use me as mulch for a rose bush or spread me out on a hiking trail, whatever…); donate whatever body part or organ to whoever could use it/wants it.
Anyway, I need to find a lawyer and get it all in writing and legal, but I am glad conversations have been had and decisions have been made. I’m glad that I am enough of a planner that if I do die, I will be leaving a solid financial situation between life insurance, personal accident insurance, my house and other investments that caring for her will not be a burden in any way.
As a single parent, I would have needed to get all of this in place anyway. I don’t have the spouse as the default guardian. While dying during childbirth or from an accident prior to that which would cause me to die, but Audrey to live is really, really remote and not something I am truly worried about. I can’t leave it to chance. It is just not my style.
No one else in the world has to agree or like my choice and what I put in place, but I really think it is the best choice, the choice I am most happy and feel best about, for both Audrey and the person who agreed to it. As for me, I’ll be dead. It won’t matter.
Sorry for such a gloomy post, but it has been heavy on my mind and I am happy that I have a plan that 3 other people beside myself know about it. I will be happier when it is all set up and legal. That’s one of next week’s tasks.
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3 comments:
A very sobering post. I am glad that you have a plan in place that puts you at ease, but of course, it will NOT be necessary. :)
Kool Aid Mom.....
I have been reading your blog on and off for a while now. I am confused. Do you come from a family of abuse? Are you not close to your sisters that have had kids? I see what you are saying but have you considered the other side. Are you willing to give guardianship of your child to someone who may eliminate your family from her life? Having a child is very special. Every woman whose has had children or is trying to have one knows that they are a gift from God. Family is also very important.
Have you considered the burden your placing on the person you choose? What if your family challenges? If they are like most families they will. What of the legal expenses?? Emotional toll?
I am glad you are seeking legal advice. The courts generally side with family relationships over deceased instructions to the contrary.
I had a family that didn't appear to support my decision about conceiving as a single woman, but I must tell you after the baby was born my fears proved unfounded. I felt much like you must be feeling. They don't understand me! Why would I leave the most precious thing to me to them?
With my daughter, I realized how much I had under estimated how much I would need their help. Now I am pregnant with a son...single and loving it I might add. I could never have had another child without my family.
I don't mean to be a downer, but I thought I would add the voice of "been there considered that". Of course this will be a mute point when Audrey is born. Be prepared to fall in love like never before.
Hang in there, these issues, tend to work themselves out. The most important thing at this point is your health and your baby's health.
My 2 cents my be worth nothing, but I do sympathize !!!!!
2 Time Mom (hopefully:-)
Hi Anon/2 time mom -
Thanks for stopping by and your thoughtful comments. I do not come from a family of abuse and I am very close to my family. Your thoughts are very similar to a good friend of mine and one of the friends that I asked to consider taking Audrey just in case. We spend more time talking through the issues this weekend. I think I would like to reply as a seperate blog entry because I think the points are very valid. I have also talked to another friend who is an estate planning lawyer (which I had forgotten) and she gave me some good advice/things to think about. All and all, I have been very ignorant but am learning more every day. I stand by not wanting my sisters to take in my child and I will post why and you can tell me if you agree with my rational or not. Anyway, give me a day or two to ponder and write the post. Again, your points are very valid and some of them I had not concidered in the beginning.
Debbie
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