The green grass is growing.

The grass is growing and watered for the evening.

The trigger shot is complete.

Max is asleep in his crib.

The dog and cat are fed.

The dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the sink full of dirty ones.

The house reflects the fact that we were home much of the day* with toys and such lying in disorderly mess.

And, I am going to go curl up in bed with book leaving everything as it is until tomorrow.

Ta ta.

* One of the things we did today was go to a make up class for the Wednesday mommy and me gymnastic class Max usually goes to with his nanny. This is the class that has the teacher that thinks that all kids are born manipulators. It was a small class with just one other child/parent, which I actually think made it very nice. The other mom and I made a bit of small talk one of which was how old is your child. The teacher overheard when I told the other mom that Max would be 2 in August and she exclaimed, he's not yet two, that explains a lot. Now, I have told this teacher at least 3 if not 4 times that Max was still one, and tall and more grown up looking than his age. Amazing. I guess she was so into her own agenda when we talked that she didn't hear a word I said? Let's see if it sticks in her brain this time. Not holding my breath.

Schools

Man, do I know how to live large...my big vacation plans are gardening...and here I am up late on a Friday night because I am researching high schools for my not yet 2 year old. You can laugh because I am laughing at myself over here. I started the day by spending a few hours visiting a preschool that takes children at 2 and am ending the day by sending an email to the person in charge of admissions for a high school I'm thinking about for Max asking for feeder middle schools and the projected increase in tuition.

Man, I really like this high school. It is an all boys Catholic High School a reasonable distance from my house. The current tuition is just under $10k. Yikes. I can't help but compare the fact that a DE cycles is about 35 - 40K and at today's rates a high school education would cost about the same. Makes me think about what price you pay for an education or another child. Whew, I have expensive taste on big ticket items. How can I afford another child? I'm revising my ideal family size down from 3 to 2.

I like the preschool. I'm still not sure that I'm ready to put Max in a "school" just yet, especially for a full day and this school doesn't offer half days. The deadline for a September start is the end of July. I'm going to look around a bit more and will likely not be ready to make a decision by then. If I already had Max in full time daycare, I would move him to this school in a nano second. Since he is at home and I get to see him occasionally before or after nap time, I'm not sure I'm ready to change that just yet. The school was reasonably small. It seemed like it was well run with very little staff turnover and a highly trained staff. The kids appeared to have fun and were well behaved. The "academic" nature of the school sounded a bit hard core, but what I observed wasn't. I may go back to observe a class since during the summer they only "teach" on Tuesdays and Thursdays and today was the first day of "summer" and then take Max back to see how he reacts. Heck, if I put Max in this school, I'll save $900 a month that I could invest for Max's high school education.

On that note, I'm going to head to bed and worry about finances as I sleep...okay, just kidding, I hope not. A nice sexual fantasy or something would be preferred.

Bubbles

Max has this thing for bubbles and not in a good way. He just doesn't like them. He freaks out if you put them in the tub with him for a bubble bath. He likes to play in the sink with the soap until there gets to be too much soap/too many bubbles, then he starts to cry and get away. I think I finally figured out why. We have this Baby Neptune DVD that is one of the only Baby Einstein ones he will watch anymore. We don't watch it much but it is a good one to put in if he isn't feeling well or fussy or is over stimulated or needs to wind down. We watched it the other day when he woke up fussy from his nap, which thank goodness doesn't happen often because when it does...oh my. Anyway, since I work from home and since I didn't have any meetings (and hadn't taken any lunch or breaks for the day) I was out holding him and watching this with him telling about what was going on and labeling things for him. There is one scene where the puppet duck and the puppet octopus are "talking" back and forth and instead of words, bubbles come out of there mouths. After a few exchanges, the duck blows a big bubble that encircles the octopus who goes floating off. Max started crying and saying bubbles, bubbles, when he gets freaked out by them in real life. The light bulb went on for me and I explained to him that it was just pretend and was okay and stuff. He still isn't thrilled with them, but hasn't melted down again since then.

At first, I was thinking it couldn't be, but really I think that was the case. He has a very good memory. If we drive down the street where he goes to "school" a few mornings a week with his nanny, even before we get there, he starts saying school, school, school. If we start heading north anywhere near the train depot and train tracks, he will start saying train, train, train, train. His two favorite TV shows right now are Pat, Pat (Little Einsteins) and Wissy (The Wiggles). No longer am I asked to just put on The Wiggles, it is Kola (Koala) Wissy of which the Koala is 20 - 30 seconds of the entire 30 minute program, or Shh, Shh, Shh Wissy for the one where Betty Blue Grass (?) sings a song that has that in it. Or, I get Pat, Pat Beach for the Annie's Love Song episode which is on the beach, Pat Pat Cho Cho Hat for the Go West Young Train episode, where Annie (his favorite character) wears a cowgirl hat, Pat Pat Ducky for the Duck, Duck, xxx (forgetting the name) episode that is about a duck that has 8 ducklings but one gets lost. Anyway, you get the idea. Max knows his mind and remembers all of these things. He will want to watch something over and over and over, until I guess at some point he memorizes it all, and then he is ready to move on. Now that he realizes that you can reverse on the DVR, he will want to watch one particular scene a few times occasionally before he is ready to move on to the rest of the show or another show. I'm sure that I humor him too much in this, but figure that it can't do any harm in the long run, makes him feel like he has some say and control in his life, and I really don't mind most of the time.

Anyway, a long way to say that I really do think he remembered that scene he has seen so many times that I label as bubbles, he put two and two together and didn't want to get swallowed up in the bubble and go bye-bye.

I'm sitting outside watching the grass grow as I write this. Literally. I was getting worried since the back yard was still looking like a mud patch with no sign of grass (reseeded it last Saturday night)...until tonight. Yeah!! There is a chance I will have an actual lawn before my party in a few weeks.

In other news, I went in for an u/s today and have one follicle on my left measuring 15 so I am going to trigger Saturday night for an early Monday morning IUI. I would have preferred to push it a day or two more, but logistically it was just too difficult for many reasons. It should be mature by any standard by then and around 19 at time of trigger and 23 - 24 at ovulation, but I prefer to trigger at 24 since the last two pregnancies I had I triggered at 24. But, it will be fine. The truth is that if it is a good egg, that size/maturity should be fine. I'm just happy to be back in the game this month after being cancelled last week for no response.

There is a work story I could tell you about a conversation I had today with my boss. It was a good conversation on how he was going to follow up on a recommendation I made, but wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be bailing on the team and finding a new job if he did. I'm not very subtle and he knows things are pissing me off most of which have to do with his boss and his bosses boss who are planning on replacing him and bringing someone in from the outside. I assured him I would stick it out as long as he was still there, but making no guarantees if they brought in someone I didn't like or didn't think I could work. The con of the proposal is that I would get more work. The pro would be that my peer that used to be my subordinate that back stabbed me while I was out on maternity leave with Max with be out. Really, I am not so petty that that was my goal, but we need to cut expense and that is one way of doing it. I offered to be the leader to go, but he and I both know that he couldn't do that and would have to bring in someone new. This may sound arrogant, but I have the best people on my team and they would revolt, seriously, if they had to work for her. My team has very senior people on it and I treat them as such. Her team has moderately senior people on it and she treats them like new hires and babies. It won't really make things better from a day to day working perspective because I almost never talk to my peer and she never speaks up or offers opinions in meetings, she is like a non-entity at this point. And, I didn't set out to push her out, but it really is a good solution at a good time and I won't be sad if it happens. Anyway, enough about work other than to say 4 work days 6 calendar days until vacation.

One of these days, I'm going to do a post on how things seem to disappear into thin air now that Max is in my life.

Today - Edited

The sweetest thing to happen to me today was Max running up with a huge smile on his face to kiss me and say bye bye as he left for school with his nanny.

The ickiest thing that happened to me today was my neighbor’s dog peeing on me while I was over there playing with him while the cable guy fixed my cable and had to access the neighbors yard to do so. Hey, he was so happy to see me. He just had a less then pleasant way of showing it.

The most impulsive thing I did today was submit an application to foster Golden Retriever/Golden Retriever Mix.

The funniest thing I heard/read today is this.

The Washcloth

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal . Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"I told her to get another one from the cupboard.She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

The most annoying thing to happen to me today is that I have another headache. This is the second afternoon/evening in a row I have a headache. Last night it got so bad that I was nauseous and I had to take both Advil and Tylenol before it lessoned. It is very unlike me to have a headache, especially such bad ones.

Those are the highlights of my day so far. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Max will be home soon for mommy time before bed. We will see if he wants/will eat dinner, which he hasn’t wanted to do recently. He is in one of those reduced eating phases at the
moment.

ETA: The happiest I was today was when Shadow wanted to walk all the way around the block this morning. She hasn't wanted to do that in weeks. Of course, I was totally unprepared and was in my slippers and without a bra, but alas, that didn't damper my joy when she just kept going. Granted, tonight she just went two houses over after going all the way to the corner last night so it is hit or miss. It still made me happy to see her so happy to be out and sniffing the pee-mail.

Happy and Sad

Have you ever been really happy and really sad at the same time? I feel like that has been my life this last year. Such contrasting emotions all at once. Thrilled that Max is in my life and yet sad that I haven't been able to give him a sibling. Really, I have been doing great these last few days. I've been busting my butt (and back) doing yard work, planting flowers, and re-seeding the backyard. I'm sore, but feeling great.

I just gave away/loaned out all of my baby stuff to a good friend. I met her when we were both trying to conceive when she was single. She met her husband and has continued to try for a child doing 2 IVF's with no success with the last one being last month. They started pursuing foster adopt and got a call that they may get a baby next week. I'm so happy for them and really, really hope it works out. Having so much given to me was such a blessing and it has just been sitting out in the garage waiting, waiting, waiting for a chance to be used. I'm happy to be able to do the same for someone else and really hope they get that baby soon to use it all. But, sad that it isn't me using it nor will it be anytime soon.

I much rather it get used than just collect dust, but it was hard to see it go, even all the girl stuff that I never even used. How silly is that?

My friend said she would mark all the stuff so she could give it back if/when I need it. I'm not really worried about that. I think that when you loan it out, you need to be prepared to never get it back because it could get stained or trashed or broken or whatever. That is just the reality with kids. I hope someday to need baby stuff again, but the stuff I gave away is just stuff. I'll either get it back or someone else will be ready to pass on their stuff or it will all work out. I just want the baby.

As I told her, even if I get pregnant with in the next month or so, it will be at least 9 months before I would need anything an the reality is probably much longer if ever. I really am happy that it can get some use in the meantime.

I've been thinking recently about how contrasting my life is in general these days with another example being that I'm going to church much more regularly than I ever have as an adult. Yet, I feel further away from God than ever before.

Anyway, just feeling a bit melancholy, but I'll be fine. I've been doing fine. The hard labor has helped, especially since it is something I enjoy so much like gardening. I was almost finished with a post last night with tons of details on what I was doing and why and how good it felt and how great I was doing, but I somehow deleted most of it before I published it and was too tired to redo it.

Really, I'm doing great over all, just a bit sad at the moment...but in a good way knowing I was able to help out someone else.

Discouraged

I’m feeling so sad and discouraged. I’m back to thinking that I will never have another bio child and wondering if I really should just stop and try to be happy with the family I currently have rather than the one that I wanted and dreamed about for so long. The lack of any type of response to fertility meds, again, shows that it wasn’t just a fluke before and that no protocol is going give a better or different response. Until forced recently by no response, I had never done un-medicated cycles. In part, because I liked the idea of higher odds you are supposed to get using the fertility meds and in part because I really don’t have the confidence in the hormones my body makes to produce an egg good enough to make a child. I spent most of my adult life on birth control pills because they regulated the hormones in a much more desirable way since my own hormones left to their own devises have never been quite what they should be. I guess that is why I’m feeling so down about this. I feel like it really was my last real chance. I’ll probably try a few un-medicated cycles just in case I’m wrong while I make sure that I really do want to go the donor egg route and how I’ll pay for it. Gosh this is hard. My internal pain around this is such that I haven’t talked to anyone IRL about it yet. I need to wait a bit until it doesn’t hurt quite so badly. I just feel so stuck right now. I’m worn out and tired and down. Heck, maybe even a bit depressed. There are many productive things I could and should do, but I don’t have the desire or energy right now. My vacation can’t get here soon enough. I don’t know why I am looking forward to it so much since I have no real plans, but I am.

Crash and Burn

I had an u/s today. Not a follicle to be seen. Lining was basically non-existent. So glad I spent a grand on meds and bought 10 more vials of sperm. What a waste. I really, really hate getting cancelled from IUI's. See this is why it makes absolutely no sense to go for an out of state consult. It would make more sense to stop the madness. I hate my body right now. I hate ttc. I hate spending something that has so little chance of working. I hate that I can't yet give up the dream and just stop. I won't go as far as to say I hate the world or everything in it at the moment, but...I'm not feeling too good about things. Work still sucks, big time. I'm short on cash this month, in part, because of this f'ing process, and I can't even get one stinking follicle. Not even a chance. Clearly, I will not be attempting a medicated cycle again soon. Maybe I'll get a follicle growing in a week or two like the last time I attempted a medicated cycle. I wish I could just go hide away someplace and deal with this (read cry my eyes out), but I have work to do and my mom is coming for dinner tonight so I will pretend all is well.

Why stay?

Thanks Nina for stopping in and leaving a comment and sorry your are working such long crazy hours. I hope there is an end in sight. You bring up a valid point about why I don't try to travel to Cornell or CCRM or another big out of town clinic for an IVF attempt. Instead of just commenting back, I decided it was a topic worth of a post in and of itself.

So, why do I stay where I'm at now that Dr. N is gone and I am basically left to my own devices. There are several reasons really. One of which is even if I wanted to go to one of the out of state biggies, it is very unlikely they would take me as a patient. I could spend a few hundred dollars to meet with them for them to tell me so. Even if they did take me and said they had this miracle protocol, just for me, guaranteed to at least get me to retrieval, I wouldn't believe them. Because I truly do not believe that IVF is the answer for me, I could not spend the time and money and logistics to set it up again. I can't take another IVF cancellation. I've been cancelled twice both times on good solid protocols that "should" have at least gotten me to retrieval. I really have to laugh in a self depreciating envious way when people talk about their poor response. I was cancelled because each time I had one and only one viable follicle. Now, one of those resulted in Max as my miracle baby. I wasn't so lucky the second time around. I figure I would need to get over 6 follicles in range for it to be worth my while to even attempt IVF. Actually, even if I got 6, I still think my odds are better with IUI since egg quality would be an issue and I would transfer everything back that fertilized anyway. I can and have gotten pregnant, three times with one take home baby. The sperm is compatible with my egg if it is a good enough egg. My tubes are open. Implantation doesn't seem to be an issue. The issue is really two fold that is tied together. At my age, egg quality is an issue. If I had a better response each cycle, my odds would increase that one of the eggs would be a good one. One of the big deciding factors in buying 10 more vials of sperm was the realization that if I am ever going to get pregnant again with my own eggs, it is going to be by trying an IUI over time to get to the odds someone else may have in one month because they have a better response. It's like taking the hard way, except the easier way doesn't and hasn't worked for me. The more stims I do, the more they fry my ovaries. After my last IVF attempt, it took months and months, I'd have to count them to find out how many, for my ovaries to produce even the one measly follicle it has been. They completely shut down and I was getting nothing, which is why I started seriously considering and researching donor egg. Then, I started getting my one and only follicle again, which led me to buy the extra sperm and my current, in it for the long haul even if I don't like it strategy. My FSH was typically really good, until it spiked with a 19.something and then an 11 or 12, then back down in the 6 range. But, FSH regardless of the number, really isn't a show stopper for me. The problem is my Inhibin B is so darn low. I can shoot up high amps and thousands of dollars in stims and it is like flushing money down the drain because my body can't and won't absorb them because Inhibin B is the conduit that helps/is needed for your body to absorb the FSH and LH. Estrogen Priming would probably been my best bet and that is what I attempted on my last crash and burn IVF cycle. Because my IVF cycle started a week after Dr. N was killed, I'll probably at least try it one more time before I run out of sperm and either give up or move to DE. Loosing Dr. N, I can't even tell you how much that has affected me. His wife, my OB, last time I saw her made a comment that she felt like we both lost our husbands. The comment made me feel uncomfortable, because I really didn't have a crush on him or think of him as an intimate partner or even ever fantasize about him. However, I really did love the man and have such respect for him. He wasn't perfect, but he was the absolute hands down perfect RE for me.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I stay where I am because no one else would take me and going someplace else just doesn't make sense. Even if I went to another local clinic for IUI's, they would want me to follow dr.'s orders and I'm sorry, I just know way to much for that at this point. The bad news is that I have to manage my own case, the good news is that Dr. N gave me enough of an education that I can manage it better than most RE's could at this point. And, my clinic lets me do what I want, when I want. One might argue that going someplace else and following another RE's protocol or system may be just what I need, but even if the RE was brilliant no protocol is going to fix what is currently broken/not working/get me to have a response good enough to make IVF worth while.

So, I stay and I'm sad the Dr. N is gone and I hope and pray that one of these months, if I just keep at it and keep trying, a good enough egg will be released and fertilized and give me another miracle. It's not a lot, but it's all I have unless I want to move to DE and I'm just not quite ready for that yet. I fail 10 more cycles leaving 2 vials in reserve and I'll be ready to either move on or give up.

There really is no other option. There is no way around the Inhbin B/poor response issue regardless of clinic or protocol. I'll keep trying, just in case. My clinic isn't one of the top 3, but it probably is in the top 5. They are solid, have good protocols and practices. I can get a consult with Dr. A when I really need to consult on a new protocol like I did for the one I'm using this month because while he is busy, I've been a patient longer than or as long as almost every single person on the staff. That counts. A lot. It isn't as good as having Dr. N would be, but it is as good as it gets. I wonder a bit if Dr. N is here if he would see something I've missed or he would have some radical thing to try that may help, but he was a very good teacher. I know a lot, probably even more than some RE's. I'm sure not more than the RE's in one of the big 3, but enough to know that they will tell me ... the odds aren't good enough to attempt another IVF and DE is my best option.

I challenge anyone who reads this who knows anything about fertility to show me where my logic is flawed, poke holes in my argument, tell me what you would do differently if you were in my shoes. I'd be happy to be wrong or for another perspective and to see something I've missed. Hell, anything would be easier than cycling until I just can't take it anymore waiting to see if I can get a good enough egg. An out of state cycle would be a heck of a lot cheaper than moving to DE. I just don't see it. I just don't think there is any other solution than my current one right now.

Nina, thanks again for the questions that prompted this post. I hope that explains it, if not let me know or help me see the error of my ways and where I am stuck in my thinking.

And, that's why I stay.

The Other Decision

I remembered the other decision (that I made the other night but couldn't remember in the light of day) this evening while playing a mindless game of computer solitaire procrastinating shooting up my stims tonight. I decided that I am going to take the week of July 4th as vacation as I had originally planned and not try to go anyplace, not even an overnight trip. I may or may not do any day or morning trips with Max. If so, maybe only one or two. I think I am going to have Noemi come pretty much as normal and use the time to do some serious gardening which I haven't been able to do since before Max was born. I just had some trees taken up and the roots ground up taking up most of my back yard lawn and I called the owner to ask that they come back because they should have done more like I asked. My mistake was having them come the two days before Memorial Day Weekend when I was trying to pack and get out of town. I'd love to get my fountain working, but need some help with that since it is too heavy for me to lift by myself. Maybe I can catch my yard guys this Wednesday and see if they will help. I've been having fun deciding what I want to plant where. I think if I spend every morning of the week, I may get everything done I would like. I'm also thinking of pricing out and attempting to put down sod, but think it may be more than I want to tackle both physically and financially right now. Then, I'm thinking of trying to schedule a massage and maybe a dinner out that week with the girls. I'm really starting to look forward to it. I've been itching to do some serious work now that the trees are out, but it has been too hot in the evenings when I am out there with Max and I know he would want to help and with the serious work I want to do he would just be in the way and frustrate me. I'm going to take out some, maybe all, of the lattice I installed a few years ago and rip out jasmine and morning glory and plant creeping fig instead. I also want to put in a few azalea, maybe try another Camellia and hydrangea or two. I need to plan it out to see if I can get another rose bush in someplace. I'm quite pleased with my decision and excited to plan it out. I feel like it will really be a vacation for me with time to do something I just haven't been able to in so long that I really, really enjoy. I can't wait. My plan is to make sure that I have all my paper work and bills done, accounts balanced, and all that other stuff so I can just go browse the nursery and dig in the dirt. I spent a few hours today going through paperwork and got my checking and savings accounts caught up. I hadn't balanced them since March. I spent part of my last two vacation spending a few days doing that type of thing. It was desperately needed, but it is too much like work. I want to get all caught up so I can just dig in and have one big garden project. Maybe not how many would want to spend there time, but I've been thinking about it and what I really wanted to do. Gardening it is. I know I said this already, but I really can't wait.

Decisions, Decisions

Max is into his third hour of napping, which means I will likely not get this written and posted without interruption. I got a little nap in myself and finished my book (just a mind candy romance).

Last night as I was relaxing/trying to fall asleep, I made two decisions and pondered a third. Unfortunately, I can only remember one of the decisions I made. Try as i might, I can't remember the second and yet it was so clear last night. I hate that. The decision I remember is that if this cycle fails, I'm going to go on BCP's for a month before cycling again and go back to only cycling every other month. The decision I'm still pondering is putting Max in pre-school this fall at 2. I still need to actually check out schools, but am thinking about maybe doing half days in the morning, getting a nanny who can pick him up and put him down for a nap (no way with my work schedule could I do this) and do light house keeping and cook dinner while he sleeps, then play with him/take him to a park/whatever until I finish work. Like I said, I still need to actually check out the schools and make sure I think it would be a good fit and price it out since I think it will probably be more expensive than what I currently have going on, but I think it maybe the way to go. Max gets some exposure to a structured learning environment, but will still be home for nap. Getting him dressed and out the door may be an issue, but one of my questions will be how they feel about me bringing him in his PJ's if he starts to throw a fit about getting dressed which happens even now, but I don't have to press it. He just likes being in his diaper in the morning and will fight like anything if I try to get him dressed before he is ready. The other thing this may really help with is me eating better. Noemi doesn't cook, at all. It has taken me awhile to even get her to give Max reasonably balanced meals* and still tends to give him too much starchy carb foods for my liking. Dinner is just such a hard one. Maybe once a week, I'll stop work early to prepare something or can prepare something for me while Max is watching TV, but it is hard. This maybe the answer. We will see. As to the other decision? I'm sure it will come to me at some point.

Achy Ovaries

Anyone I know who has tried to ttc for any length of time, starts noticing much more about their cycles, when they ovulate, what this twinge or that may or may not mean. This is true of me as well. Dr. Q was amazed a few cycles ago when I called up about cd14 because I could "feel" a follicle there. The entire staff laughed about it. I'm not always right, but I tend to be more right than not these days. Which was why I was kind of surprised yesterday when I went in for baseline u/s and there was no lead follicle like last month. This is probably better news for this cycle since having a follicle grow so fast in a cycle like that especially when on progesterone is not a good thing for egg quality. Dr. Q and I had a whole discussion about that yesterday and then he asked if I had ever wanted to go to medical school and why didn't I become an RE. I had to laugh and explained that as long as it is an intellectual exercise (and self serving) I'm fine, but having to do the procedures and deal with the hormonal patients, no thank you. LOL. He didn't know what to say about that. Anyway, I digress again...where was I?

Yes, achy ovaries. While I was happy I didn't have a follicle growing already (and mostly think Dr. Q is confident enough to see it if it actually was there amid the fat and behind the lunch), I am now left wondering what it was I was feeling instead. I'm a tad worried it may be that scar tissue that Dr. N found during my lap last year. There was a 25% chance it would return with a 1 - 3% chance of conceiving again with my own eggs. The few months before the lap, I kept thinking I would have a cyst and kept being surprised when I didn't. I'll have to pay attention and watch this trend.

Anyway, I am feeling twinges in my right ovary like it may want to try to do something, but it is unlikely. That ovary had done nothing, nadda, zip since October 2004. But, I can feel it a tad. And, I'm feeling my left ovary quite a bit as well. I'm hoping that means this Letrozal/Inj. Combo cycle may actually produce a follicle. Egads, two would be nice, but I'm just hoping it isn't zero. A nice good one is fine with me. Ha Ha, it only takes one.

Normally, when I do injectables, I shoot it into my right hip as it is easier for me to do one handed since I am right handed. I've decided to do them all into my left this time. Hey, I figure get the drugs closer to the ovary that has the best chance of doing something with them. Actually, it is really quite ridiculous since the meds have to make it through the fat into the bloodstream, unlike the p4 suppositories where it does get absorbed by the uterus without getting into the blood. Medically speaking, I don't really know why it works that way with one and not the other, but that is what I have been told.

One of the things I often think about while doing stims, is how I don't really understand how a person can be a drug addict...coming from a person one could say is addicted to cycling. It is expensive, a lot of work, and you have to remember to support that bad habit. I guess there is more of a high from street drugs than from stims. Usually, I just get more wired and less sleep. Even the "mixing" has lost some of its appeal after too much experience/practice, but I refuse to use one of those new fangled cartilages. Not only are they too easy, they are only subQ and I am convinced I need a longer needle closer to the muscle so the meds don't get lost in all the fat. Now, truly, while that probably does help some, my absorption issue is really that my Inhibin B sucks and it is needed to act as a conduit and aid in the absorption. Intellectually, I know this, but still...I will continue to use the longer needles. The nurses just laugh and shake there head at me and order whatever I want. I guess we all have our quirks. Max's are not liking bubbles and crying if we are out driving, pass a freeway on ramp and don't get on. A friend was telling me today about her son's -- rubbing something or putting something between his toes when drinking a bottle or trying to go to sleep. And, mine, using longer needles when shooting up.

True or False

How about we play a quick game of true or false? We will see how devoted a reader you are and how well you know me. I'll start with a few easy ones.

1) Today is cd2
2) I had a baseline u/s today
3) As a result of the u/s, I decided not to cycle this month and may, in fact, never cycle again.
4) I cried on the way to and the way from the clinic.
5) Max fell in the pool today
6) I pissed off my cat so badly he didn't even want to sleep with me last night

Now see, wasn't that fun?





Answers:
1) True
2) True
3) False, False - As much as I hate it, if I have any type of ovarian response and my ovaries are still present and functioning, I will cycle until I just can't anymore. And, I'm not there yet.
4) Sadly, true. Very unlike me. They weren't tears of despair, just the drippy sad ones. Prompted by a song about counting your blessing and being happy with what you have. It's not that I don't feel like I was blessed with Max, I just want another blessing. Just made me sad a bit that I can't be happier about the situation. Then again, if I was happier, I would not still be on the ttc path. My discontent is still more than my pain and sorrow of the sucky ass process, it is only that that keeps me going. It isn't for wimps as anyone who has ever gone down the path knows.
5) True. I was two steps away and probably could have prevented it, but didn't. He was only under for a few seconds, but was pretty freaked out. This may sound very mean, but I'm not unhappy (can't exactly say I was happy about it, but am not unhappy if that makes sense) it did. I was talking to him about safety around the pool and he needed to be careful so he didn't fall in right as he did. I'm hoping the experience will give him a bit of caution and a frame of reference the next time. I don't want him to be afraid and seriously thought of staying with him in the pool until he calmed down (a back on the saddle/horse type thing), but I was not in my suit, on cd2 of a moderately heavy period, and wearing a pad so I didn't press the point even though I did think about it. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't because he just clung to me and cried for about 10 minutes (which is really long for him, maybe it just felt like 10 minutes, hey I was outside..not looking at a clock, but he did cry for quite awhile) with is head on my shoulder and his naked body wrapped in a towel up against mine.
6) True. He has been barfing up a lot of hairballs again lately so I gave him a bit of a hair cut, taking off two huge mats of hair. In the process, I saw 2 flea's on him, so he had to get a flea treatment. He was not amused at all. I guess I am into tough love right now because I didn't really care. Truthfully, I was fine that he didn't want to sleep with me since I dislike fleas with a passion I can't even describe. I will check him again soon and go with more aggressive treatment if the Frontline didn't work. He will likely be getting a bath/flea bath this weekend either way. He is snuggled up next to me right now, but licking a bit too much so I may have to go check him out again. Hmmm. He must have seen the gleam in my eye since he just removed himself from my presence all of a sudden. Smart cat.

CD1. Yet Again.

Today is cd1. I'm seriously thinking of not cycling this month, but I'm going in for an u/s tomorrow to check things out. Last month, I had a lead follicle at 10 on cd2 so we didn't do the meds...or rather just a really low dose of them. I will not be shocked at all to find the if the same thing happened again this month. It's like my hormones are out of sync and my ovaries are moving forward before I shed my lining from the month before...of course, that is my own personal theory with no one to really ask or talk to it about. Makes me really miss Dr. N, of course. Sometimes I wonder if he were still here and in charge of me if I would have better results so far. I think I'm doing okay managing my own case here with what I know, but it does get hard sometimes without someone to bounce ideas off and give suggestions. I'll talk to Dr. Q tomorrow during the u/s, but may scrap the cycle if I already have a big follicle (think I have felt one growing for about 4 - 5 days now). My rationale is that if I don't cycle this month, I won't do progesterone next month and then my lining shed should be back in sync with my ovary production since I will get an early period. Like I said, I'm still undecided, but the egg quality has to be pretty crappy if it is that out of sync. We will see what tomorrows u/s shows and what Dr. Q has to say.

The other odd thing going on is that for the last few days, almost the same amount of time I have felt a possible follicle growing, my IBS has just disappeared. Gone. Basically things are normalish. And, I have been eating way more sugar and carbs that I should be and have in quite a while. Telling myself that the sugar and carbs and higher insulin isn't good for the egg quality hasn't been a motivating factor since, well, the egg quality is certainly crap anyway.

With such a positive attitude, I ask myself why I'm bothering to keep trying. It really just does seem so hopeless right now. I question my sanity regularly for buying 10 more vials. What the hell was I thinking? Then, I give myself the pep talk on how the odds are better than zero as long as my ovaries are producing something. They may not be high...someone asked me today what I have been told my odds are per cycle with IUI for my age...and I had to laugh...good thing it was through email...because I wouldn't and haven't asked that question. I told her certainly less than 5%, but more likely somewhere in the 1 - 3% range. Pretty bad when you think about it, which I try not to do too often, but better than zero.

Hey, what is the worst thing that can happen with continuing to cycle? I will continue to get negative beta's and they won't work. I can handle that. I have lots of experience. I don't like it. I'm tired of it. I actually don't really think it is going to work, ever, with my own eggs at this point. Mostly. There is just this small, very small smidgen of hope, the thought that it really only does take one and if I keep trying...maybe, just maybe...that one will come up.

I'm not ready to move on. I'm not ready to quit. I'm tired of the ride, but don't like the alternative so I will try and try again. Maybe not this month. We will see. But, I have a years worth of sperm on ice and maybe, just maybe I'll get another miracle sometime this year if I keep at it.

Summer Fun Pictures

Summer is barely here it seems and yet we have been enjoying it to the fullest. Here are some recent pictures of Max.

This morning at breakfast. Max is in a "hat" phase. He, not I, decided baseball hats should be worn as so.

At the beach on Memorial Day.

"Goggle Man"

Sink baths are a favorite around here at all times of the day. It can get a bit messy, but..hey, it sure is fun! Just ask Max!!

“Babies are born manipulators”

There has been some phone calls and conflict between the teacher, the nanny, and I in Max’s Wednesday morning gymnastics Mommy and me class. I took advantage of my boss being out of town (normally have a staff meeting during the class time) to audit the class and check things out myself. I’m glad I did even if the dynamic was very different by my mere presence. The biggest issue seems to be that Max wants to do what Max wants to do and not what the class wants to do. I let Max do a bit of both by trying to get him engaged at each shift in activities, but didn’t force the issue if he wanted to do something else. What the teacher would like is for us to physically pick up and try to “make” Max be a part of the group. When I question her on that and the age appropriateness of such expectations, she backed off a little bit and then talked about safety. And, how I was right with Max, but how Noemi will let him go off without following him. I agree this could be dangerous, but I also didn’t observe it. The teacher also thinks that Max is in a power struggle with Noemi and manipulating her. And, while she didn’t directly say so, probably me too. She explained that she has 3 children and worked with children, including special needs children, (implying she was very qualified and what she was asking for is not unrealistic) and went on to explain that babies are born manipulators crying for everything and as they grow that continues and by letting them do what they want, we are just reinforcing that (the last part being my interpretation/summary of her point) they can continue to cry to get what they want. I let that go in the course of our conversation while making a mental note that our philosophy on child development and probably life are very different and that I will 1) find something else for Max to do instead (looking into My Gym) and 2) finish up taking Max myself to the Saturday class when I can or just cutting our losses. What I did say is that my objective was for Max to have fun in a safe environment and that I wasn’t paying for him to be forced into things or for him to cry and scream the whole time. She started to back peddle a bit and pointed out that kid xyz also runs off and that was really fine and that he had only been doing this for 9 – 10 weeks and that eventually it would snap into place for him. We both agreed that Max really was learning and picking things up even if it didn’t look like it. I talked to her about coming myself to the Saturday class and finding something else for Wednesdays. She agreed this was acceptable even when I said I could likely only come about twice a month, but that class was VERY different from the Wednesday one with a wide age range and skill level and is much more of a free for all (like this would discourage me when it is more like what I expect/want). I found it very interesting that she made a point of saying that she changes the class around completely each week to keep it new and interesting and such. I actually think that may be part of the issue in that Max doesn’t know what to expect each time. I have found that he is one who takes very well to routines and structure, which works well since I tend to be that way by nature most of the time. Anyway, it sure was a work out for me as well as MAx, but I think Max was glad I went and I do think using it as filler on free Saturday’s will be fine as I will just let him and I do what we want for the number of sessions I have already paid. I thought it was very interesting that she also pointed out that she wouldn’t throw him of class because he wandered and didn’t participate, while thinking that wasn’t my concern at all and that she has made it such that I really don’t see a future with us in their program. Really, all the rest of it I could deal with and get beyond. It was the babies as manipulators theory that was the deciding factor for me. I agree that they cry to express their needs, but don’t agree with the negative connotations around manipulation and look at it as my job to meet those needs as much as possible within reason especially at such a young age.

Negative. Again.

The official results are in. Beta <2. Negative. Again. Not that I'm counting, but it will now be 16 months since I've been trying for a second child. I just feel like crying. I think I'm going to bag work for the day and go start a trashy romance novel or something. Next cycle should officially start around Friday and already confirmed a doc will be in for a baseline u/s.

Feeling tired and crabby

I had a hard time falling asleep last night and didn’t do so until after midnight. Of course, Max is going through an early wake up phase with this morning being the earliest in months….the dreaded 4 am hour. He had pee’d through, was congested, and crabby. After about an hour, I decided some Benadryl and Tylenol were in order and they did help some. Boy, it was really hard not to be crabby back to him this morning. I did have to take a deep breath a few times and tell him that mommy was very tired today so it would be great if he could use his words, help me understand what he wanted, be a little patient. Didn’t really change his behavior any, but reminded me to keep my patience. It was one of those mornings where I was thinking….and, I want another one of these? Am I crazy?

Of course, today is beta day. Blood was dropped off 40 minutes ago or so…after waiting for 30 minutes with only 2 people ahead of me. Then, I had to point out that the test was STAT to the tech which was annoying and even more so that she didn’t actually put the STAT sticker on in my presence so we will see if I get the results today. It goes without saying that in spite of my inner dialog this morning questioning my sanity of wanting another one, of course I do so want another. I am so ready to be off the ttc road, but not ready to quit.

Most of the reason I was up so late last night was I watch the entire second half of the Survivor Fiji season now that I forced myself through the last two book of the Left Behind series. Earl won. Survivor. God won the final battle between good in evil in Kingdom Come, the last Left Behind book. You might have predicted that. The Survivor outcome was not so predictable, but, if you are a fan, you would already know that Earl one since the season ended weeks ago (or is it months by now).

Anyway, after the whole zoning in front of the TV thing for hours and hours on end last night and as tired as I was I still managed to play the am I or am I not mind game for an hour or so until yesterday was today. Then, Max woke me up early. Hence, the tired and crabby part. As far as the mind game, when it was all said and done, I came to the conclusion that I really have no idea that the cycle worked. It’s doubtful that the cycle worked, but it could have. I had those two days where I felt crampy and like I was going to get my period. Then, really nothing much in the way of symptoms or lack there of for days In spite of the harder than normal morning, I will be disappointed for another failed cycle. Because I am so tired and crabby, it may even be harder than normal to get the bad news.

Let’s just hope I actually get them back one way or the other today since I was in so early and it was supposed to have been done STAT. If not, it may not be pretty and I may have to go off on someone. I plan to call the clinic after my last meeting ends at 3:30 PT which will be slightly over 6 hours with a STAT turnaround time supposed to be within 4 – 6 hours. I’m giving them 15 extra minutes. May they deliver prior to then. That’s all I have to say about that.

I guess that is all I have to say about anything right now. Other than to say that I must stop the sugar madness. I was doing so well until the last few days. My self psychoanalysis has shown that my two trigger times is extreme stress (which is rare for me, but work has tipped me over the edge lately) and being extremely tired (which is fairly rare for me). Since today, I am both tired and stressed, I will really need to watch it because adding sugar to the mix will be nice in the short term, but not really help anything in the long run. The one piece of good news is that I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks (because I was too afraid of what the number might be) and it was actually down 2.5 lbs from where I was last time I checked. Since I had gained the 2.5 lbs back from my “start” and was pissed off the last time I checked because of my unforgiving body gaining it back on just a minor infraction, I am actually the same as where I wanted to be. I’ll take a neutral right now.

Now, I really have nothing else to say. For now. I’ll just go impatiently wait until this afternoon so I can officially be disappointed that yet another cycle has failed and I will be continuing the ttc madness. I’m tired. Physically tired. Mentally and emotionally tired. Of. Trying. To. Have. Another. Child.

Tired, but not ready to quit.

Today’s Funnies

Some funny moments from today….

Bubbles. Max has this thing against bubbles. I’ve tried to give him a bubble bath a few times, but he freaks out. His new hobby is climbing up and playing in the kitchen or my bathroom sink. He likes, likes, likes soap, but hasn’t figured out the cause and effect that lots of (liquid) soap can make bubbles. He did not want to shower with me this morning and instead choose to play in the sink. He started sounding a tad distressed so I poked my head out. He had his butt in the air with his feet out of the sink doing the “crab” trying to get away from the bubbles. I just plucked him up trying not to laugh and pulled him in with me where he ohh’d and ahhh’d as I held him under the shower. I guess you had to see it, but it was funny.

Make-up. I don’t wear a lot of make-up, but do usually put on eye liner and lip stick if I am going out. I was rushing around trying to get us ready and out the door this morning and apparently, Max used my eye liner after observing me use it. It’s only funny because he didn’t hurt himself, but he got his eye pretty good in several places and a nice line across his forehead before I saw him. He was none to happy when I confiscated the pencil.

Crumpets. One of the things we did this morning was take a neighbor who had ankle surgery to the grocery store (after visiting another neighbor in the hospital and stopping to see a random 7 year old baseball playoff game) since her husband is out of town. We almost made it out of the store before Max spied something he just had to have -- blueberry crumpets. No, he has never had them before, but knew he wanted them and just loved it. He did offer to share a piece with the cashier, who appreciated the gestured, but declined. I’m sure I am creating a bad habit getting him stuff like this in the store, but I figure it is reasonably healthy stuff and a good way for him to try new things so the benefit probably outweighs the potential risk.

Sharing. We ate dinner outside and Max didn’t eat much, but I brought his plate in after he climbed up to the sink and started playing. At some point after he was done in the sink and after the plate had been sitting around for awhile (30 - 40 min.) I gave it to Shadow. Max saw me do this and had a delayed reaction and decided he “wasn’t” finished with dinner even though I had asked him first before giving it to Shadow. He ran over took the plate away and outside to eat a bit more, came back in and gave a few pieces to Shadow, went back out and came back in with the plate and gave it back to Shadow. Shadow was still standing there trying to figure out what happened. She just looked up as Max took the plate away, took the food he hand offered, and went back to eating like nothing happened when Max brought the plate back. Yes, kind of gross, but funny -- at least to me.

Ah, this kid of mine. He does so make me laugh.

Musing and Random Thoughts on a Saturday Night

I took a nap today. Not a long one, but a nice solid one with a weird dream and all. And, my sugar and carb intake really sucked today. So, it is now well after 10 pm and I’m wide awake. Since Max is back on his 5:15 - 5:30 am wake up phase, this doesn’t bode well for me tomorrow.

Almost every night when I go to bed, unless I am just way to tired and I have to be pretty darn tired to no, I put lotion on my hands and feet. I do not actually like to do this, but I like it done. And, I think to myself that if I had a husband, it would be something he could do to show is love for me and then I laugh because I know that it is just a fantasy and another reminder that when I do desire a husband (which is pretty rare if you don’t count my foot lotion fantasy) it is for all the wrong reasons.

Mostly I like my new acupuncturist, but I don’t love her like I did my other/first one. She is more local and convenient and similarly priced, but she just doesn’t have the same personality. I had an appointment on Thursday and I made a comment that my IBS over all is better, but it still comes and goes sometimes and I have not been able to identify a trigger for it and that I hadn’t yet started a food journal to see if that helped. She made a comment that stuck with me and kind of bugged me to the affect that well, then you haven’t yet tried everything (if this cycle fails). Mostly, I ignore her rah rah be positive talk because I really don’t buy into it. I don’t think that thinking positive or negative will affect the outcome of a cycle either way. Yes, extreme stress may play a part to some degree or at least reduce the odds, but come on, I’m sure stressed out women get pregnant all the time. Hher comment made me realize that subtly, very subtly she tends to place the blame failed cycles and miscarriages on the woman. I probably would have picked up on it earlier had I paid more attention instead of mostly tuning out when you started her “positive” thinking speal as I call it. Now that I realize it, it bugs me and I find it insulting and somewhat damaging to the physique, which is really the opposite of what she should be doing. For example, she’s asked me numerous times if I really want to get pregnant, which I just find as odd and respond of course I want to get pregnant otherwise I wouldn’t be going through all the effort. She will counter with a story like, once one of her patients confessed that she didn’t really want another child, but her husband did so she was going through the motions for him to which I remind her that I am single with no one to please but myself on this. Anyway, don’t want to get myself worked up about it, because…you now…the stress might what caused this cycle to fail. However, one of the things she said actually kind of makes sense to me and worries me. That is that getting and staying pregnant is an extra/non-critical function and that if there are other physical problems the body deems as more important it can affect fertility. Makes me wonder if there is something else or more underlying that I don’t know about or if the IBS could be enough. I guess I could see that having a gallstone and recovering from that surgery could put things out of balance, but think it has been long enough now for that to still be an issue. And, my insulin was high (a situation that I like to think of as insulin resistance as opposed to pre-diabetic). And, while the IBS is better things couldn’t really be classified as “normal” per se. I guess I really should make an appointment with the internist for a physical to talk about the IBS and for a baseline heart stress test or what they call it. The thing about the IBS is that other people gave it that label and I started using it, but in all of the internet searching and do you have IBS questionnaires‘, my symptoms don’t really match most or the criteria. Other than getting pissed of and stressed about work this week, in general, I am less stressed and more life balanced than I can ever remember being as an adult. I don’t have abdominal cramping (related to IBS anyway), which according to the acu is there even if I can’ feel it and “bad” for a cycle which is in direct contrast to what Dr. N and other RE’s have said in response to me and others who have asked about diarrhea and vomiting or stuff like that after an ET or transfer. Anyway, I guess this was bugging me more than I realized. And, made me forget my other random thoughts.

Hmmm. What were they?

Something I read online tonight made me think about my ex-boyfriend and took me down memory lane in a good smiling way. I sure didn’t feel this way for several years after we broke up, but I’m actually very happy we didn’t get married and he isn’t the father of my children. Truth be told, I probably still love him and maybe always will. We remain friends and in contact. I have had sex with him (but sadly not recently and not the last few times we have seen each other) for many, many years and can see us having sex again in the future. Made me remember a conversation that I had with a friend on New Years eve about how I can see K and I living out our “golden years” together after the kids are grown and gone. The thing with K and I is that we genuinely like each other and have a great time when we are together. Loving and liking each other really was never our issue as much as some fundamental philosophy issues of what it meant to be in a committed relationship and marriage with probably the biggest being around what some call “open” marriages vs. monogamy and the second biggest around what I call contribution to society (personal motivation to succeed and bettering yourself. For example, we have talked about the fact that he never graduated from college (that’s where we met). He was less than 6 or 8 or 10? Units shy, got drafted to the NFL (but didn’t stick), played in Europe in the World League, played in Canada (where he met the mother of his sons), but never made the time and effort to follow through. There is no way that if we had stayed together that would have been acceptable. I would have pushed him and bugged him until he did it and he admits now that he wishes that he did, but feels now like it is lost to him. The guy is smart. For example, we have probably played more than 100 games of chess in our day. Maybe I one once or twice and he won the rest. Quite annoying actually. (smile) But, he was just never motivated to really apply himself and go after things that would really make him happy like coaching a high school or college football team or a scout. Instead, he works in low paying menial type jobs. It’s not really and just about the money, at least it wasn’t at the time. Although, hindsight shows I probably would have been the primary money earner and after having kids resentful with wanting to be able to stay home full time. Anyway, hadn’t seriously thought about him in awhile and it was kind of nice to do so in a I’m so happy things turned out the way they did and where I am at in life kind of way.

I could talk about the minutia of the day, but it is seriously getting late so I had better at least try to fall asleep so I will just quickly mention how even on the rare occasions that I mess with Max’s nap/sleep schedule, I regret it. Easy to say that you will never be a slave to your child’s nap schedule, if you don’t have a child who really needs one like Max does. And, to say that I took Max to his first little league game today (after he woke up crying and screaming from his late broken up nap after falling asleep in the car, waking up when I brought him in, and eventually falling back to sleep and the only thing he wanted me to do is stand holding him while he watched a baseball game on tv). And, when we got back, in front of the house, and I opened the garage door, he started crying all over again. So, I asked him if he wanted to go out to eat or church and he said church so we went to (part of) the Saturday evening service. An interesting choice since he just runs circles around the “cry” room trying to escape whenever someone opens the doors most of the time. Probably, he just likes going to the play area afterwards, but it did make me glad that I have been making the effort to go. Or, it could have just been that he wasn’t hungry since he isn’t really feeling that great (yet another cold) and didn’t do more than snack most of the day.

To bed, to bed, I must get to bed. I must at least try to sleep even though I’m still not feeling very tired.

Oh yes, one last thing...how could I forget. LOL. Still feeling very crampy and like I'm about to start my period. But, not spotting or any sign of blood yet. Maybe it could be a good sign. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Can you hear my laughter from here?

Blah, Blah, Blah

That’s how I’m feeling. Blah. Like I’m going to start my period at any moment. I’ve been really good about staying away from sweets, but did a Costco run this afternoon and couldn’t resist a container of cookies. It didn’t hit me at the time that this is a typical pre-menstrual craving for me. Sigh.

The good news is that I have been through this enough and been wrong in my cycle predictions enough that while I do tend to “pay attention” to any symptoms or lack there of, I don’t really attach a whole lot of emotion around them typically. Shoot, just last month, I was all twingy and started thinking the desired outcome was a possibility and we all know how that ended. Yes, negative. Hey, the cycle with Max I was so sure it didn’t work that it never even occurred to me to HPT. Heck, I had a consult planned with Dr. N and moved sperm that day. The last time I was pregnant, I did suspect I might be at about 12 or 13 dpo only because of an increases sense and sensitivity of smell, but that didn’t end well so it isn’t if it did any good in the long run.

So, I’ll just plug along these last few days. Plenty to do and keep me occupied this weekend. I won’t be surprised if I start bleeding or spotting. Like I said, it just really, really feels like my period is imminent. Alas, time will tell. Beta is planned for Tuesday.

Forgot again!

Darn it! I forgot to take my p4 again today until about 2:30 pm, let’s see…only about 6 hours late. Lovely. Ironically, I was reminded by noticing my boobs were a bit sore and swollen and thinking that my progesterone must be higher than usual this month, not that I’ll ever know since I couldn’t be bothered to actually test it.

Work still has been busy and basically sucky, but not as bad as the other day. Was pretty stressed out, which is unusual for me. However, had an acupuncturist appointment today and that really helped. She must have agreed with me since she walked me through some guided imagery relaxation for the first time.

I’ve been doing some preliminary research on pre-schools and thinking about putting Max into a Montessori school that takes children at two that my neighbor told me about. He son goes there. Not sure if I am actually going to make a change right now. There are pro’s and con’s either way, but I’m thinking through them and putting together a list of questions and have targeted 5 schools that I want to look at and talk with. All but the one takes kids at 3 I think and three I wanted to look at for elementary school anyway.

It’s funny, my neighbor and I have brief snippets of conversation in passing out front and have been talking about setting something to go out and talk about what she has learned about going through the whole school processes around here and trying to get her son into a local charter school…in addition to all of her pre-school research. The funny thing is that we finally got it set up and have had more success communicating via email. It just struck my funny bone that she’s on her computer and I’m on mine and we are right across the street from each other. Ahhh, modern times….

I need to get a better memory. I keep telling myself…thou shalt not forget your progesterone again this cycle. Now, all I have to actually do is not forget to remember. :)

ps. I am not impressed with the new word processor on new laptop which seems to loose all formatting including paragraph breaks when copying and pasting into blogger. I’ll have to figure something better out since this is annoying.

Just really pissed of!

Work is really, really, really pissing me off right now. I’m so pissed that I can’t even concentrate or even be bothered to work at the moment. We have new leaders that are trying to change the focus and intent of our group and are planning on replacing our main boss, presumably because they don’t think he is qualified. And, they want organizations changes and people movement to happen without an f’ing plan or strategy. There is no comprehension that without basic criteria in place for making resourcing decision there can be HR/Legal issues. I actually feel sorry for my boss because he is basically caught in the middle being told 1) execute 2) regardless of what you do we are replacing you. I don’t blame him for being out on vacation all last week and going out again on Friday for another week plus, I don’t. Just make the hard decision that say we are going to cut people and leaders…go find another job…and be done with it. Have a back bone. I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day, but for now. I’m pissed.

And, I decided I can’t be bothered to get a P4 test today and wondering why the hell I ever bought 10 more vials when I am really past thinking that having another bio child is going to happen for me and I am just setting myself up for another year of the sucky ass ttc process.

And, had a major physical battle with Max this morning trying to get him dressed. He didn’t want to and he needs to be dressed and ready by 8:30 on Tuesday’s to make his “class” because it starts at 9 and they won’t let you in late.

And, I asked Noimi to have Max back by 4 ish so that he had time to swim in the pool this afternoon before dinner and she still isn’t back and I know it is because she doesn’t want to get in the pool with him.

Basically, I am just pissed off and everyone and everything at the moment. I really feel like having a nice glass or two or three of alcohol. I’ve got a nice wine fridge of good quality reds sitting there that I haven’t touched this year. And, I’m in another f’ing 2ww so feel like I can’t. Not that I actually think this cycle worked (because again, I think I am just on a long futile path that I can’t stop right now), but if something happened like I got another miracle pregnancy and then either m/c or there were development issues I would never forgive myself..

So, I’ll just be pissed off for awhile and get over it. Not enough time to even go for a work out or hike or something even if I wanted at this point.

Too Laid Back?

Me thinks I may be a tad too laid back and relaxed about this current cycle. Why? Because it is now 3 pm and I just remembered to take my progesterone suppository from 9 am this morning. And, for me, it is not just a precaution. Even with supplementation, my progesterone level is barely high enough to maintain a pregnancy. Sigh…..

I guess the good news is that I’m only 6dpo and I only missed the one (so far) so it will likely only mess up my p4 check if I decided to go donate more blood to the cause tomorrow of which I am still undecided.

But, since I am talking about my cycle, I’ll just point out that if the egg fertilized, it should be out of the fallopian tubes by now, in the uterus, and implantation should be occurring at this point. Just saying….

Books, Books, and More Books (or maybe Max, Max, and more Max)

I mentioned the other day that I have been able to renew my interest and love of books and reading now that Max is older, more independent, and able to play on his own for periods of time. However, I was wrong about being about the start the last book in the Left Behind series. I started it on Saturday morning and was very confused. I didn’t get past the first page before I did a quick internet search and realized that there was one more book between the one I last read and the one I had just started. Luckily, browsing the public library web page indicated that it was checked in at a local branch so Max and I headed out to pick it up and I’m about half way into it. Truth be told, I find that it is a getting a bit to preachy with not enough story at this point, but I figure that I may as well finish the series since I am so far into it at this point.

In cue behind that are a few books I just ordered that came in yesterday’s mail and I had a friend give me a whole bag of novels (mostly romance I think) when I need a bit of mind candy interspersed into the reading mix.

One of the books, Reading with Babies, Toddlers and Twos, A guild to choosing, reading, and loving books together, by Susan Straub and KJ Dell’Antonia I read about on the Ask Moxie blog (actually both the books I purchased I read about on that blog) and it intrigued me enough to get it and check it out. The first sentence of the first two paragraphs in Chapter one called to me. “Before life presented you with an actual baby, you had a mental vision: A small, cuddly bundle in a blanket, sucking a finger and nodding off to sleep as she listens to you read.” “Sure, that happens -- about once a year”. It just called to me.

I am letting Max watch more TV/DVD’s and reading to him far less than I ever thought I would as a parent. Sure, Max and I read together, but not for nearly as long as I think we probably should. And, he just goes through phases where he just isn’t interested (with the TV as well as books). I mostly just go with the flow and don’t push too often. I’m really not worried about his vocabulary or comprehension. Both I think are very good.

He is very much a “labeler” if that is a word. He’s always asking “What’s that”. And, will keep asking and asking and asking if I am not paying close enough attention and don’t get it right. Oh, that’s a piece of hair (as opposed to his fingers) let’s say. Or, an ant (as opposed to the sidewalk/cement that is walking on). I know he often asks “what’s that” to objects he already knows just to hear me repeat it and repeat it to him and often he will try to repeat it back to me. If he is in the mood and I ask him, he will go find his Christmas I spy book and find the apple, or train or whatever flipping pages until he finds it. We have an English/Spanish Children’s Dictionary and he can correctly point to more pictures when I say the word, even flipping pages if it isn’t on the one we are looking at until he finds it. Books are incorporated into our day, just not really in the way and manner that I imagined when I had a child. Now that Max is older, we often don’t do the book thing before bed (or a nap on the weekend when I’m putting him down). That actually seems to be the worst time. He’s tired and it’s like he is overloaded and just can’t take the extra thinking and stimulus. On the flip side, mornings are often the best and we can spend up to 20 - 30 minutes browsing books (won’t go so far as to actually say read). I’ve also found that the more rhyme in the book, the less he can tolerate me reading it.

It’s not as if I’m expecting him to sit and look at the pages, or cuddle with me. I’ve given up that expectation long ago. He tells me “No”, “No, No, No” . He actively and vocal protests. If I don’t stop, he comes and takes the book away. My boy, he is not subtle. On a side note, he also does the same thing …the whole no, no, no thing … in the car with the radio. Sadly, it is only rare occasions that I get to listen to music in the car and most often that is only one of his music together cd’s. Yes, I could push it, but it is so clearly not what he wants right then that I feel like I need to respect his wishes. Anyway, I didn’t mean to go on and on, but I’ll be interested to see if I can learn anything and make improvements while reading this book. And, hey, I figure Max seeing me read so often has to help and it has. He does want to touch and feel and page through the books I’m reading. When he asks “What’s that?” I tell him that’s the book momma is reading or if he is touching the words on a page I tell him those are the letters, that make up the words, that tell the story. I use that line a lot.

Thinking about that, I have to laugh because I sing Max a lot of songs and have ever since he was born. Many of them made up, but not all like the ABC’s, but then I always feel compelled to add AEIOU and tell him those are our vowels. LOL. I kid you not.

Anyway, the other book I ordered is called The Dangerous Book for Boys, by Hal Iggulden and Con Iggulden. It is actually a book for a much older boy, but it seemed interesting enough, was only $15 on Amazon, and I didn’t want to forget about it by the time Max was old enough so I purchased it. A quick browse through it and I’m not disappointed. I think, in time, Max will find it interesting. Plus, having it now gives me a chance to read ahead and prepare myself.

I’ve been saying since Max was small that he is going to give me a run for my money and as he gets older, I get more and more sure of that. The kid is smart. I’m no dummy, but I just have this feeling that he is going to be smarter than me and I’m going to have to pay attention and stay on top of things. I’m not talking gift or genius smart. He just seems to be able to piece things together and figure things out well. Sure, he gets frustrated when he’s trying to do something he can’t, but if I show him how to do it once or twice he gets it.

And, his problem solving seems to be decent. We moved his DVD’s up to a higher shelf on the entertainment center because he is tall and has a long enough reach that he could get to them from the ground all of a sudden. I actually don’t mind if he looks at the cases, which he does…studying them like a book in fact…pondering which one he actually wants to watch, but I do not allow him to take them out of the case because as you know they will get scratched and damaged. After this happened a few times while I was working and finding DVD’s on the floor slid under the TV etc and telling Noemi more than once that she could not let Max take them out of the case, she asked if she could move them up and I had no problem with that. Except now, I get an up, up, up, up, up request to stand him on the entertainment unit while he looks and browses and picks. The other day, instead of asking to get up, he went and got a small stool from his bedroom, moved it in front of the entertainment center, and I came in the room to see that he had climbed up himself. Then again, today when my cell phone rang while I was going to the bathroom, I came out to find Max had apparently climbed up the counter drawers and was sitting on the counter where the cell phone was, having gotten distracted by other things on the counter after the phone stopped ringing (and not the sharp knives blocks that sit up there thank goodnes). No, what interested him was the Children’s Benadryl and Infant Tylenol I had sitting there, properly closed so he didn’t actually get into them. But, he did hand me the Benadryl saying “more, more, more” and when I told him he didn’t need any medicine, he started scratching this rash he has had on his leg saying owie. I had already been wondering if he was having an allergic reaction to something because of the rash and a runny nose. I think it is unlikely that he really does understand yet what Benadryl is for and more than likely he just really likes the taste, but it was almost nap time and I figured it wouldn’t hurt and could help (and it did) so I gave him some. See that’s what I mean about keeping me on my toes and that is just one example of many.

Since I seem to be doing a big Max update post and have already mentioned several examples about how he really knows his mind and what he wants and doesn’t want. Here is another example, we went to Trader Joes after to library to pick up a few things. They had a display of soft pretzels and Max was just sure he wanted them (even though he has never had them before to my knowledge) so to keep the peace since I dragged him out to the library and it was getting close to lunch, I got them for him and let him eat some while waiting in to check out and in the car. Sure enough, he loved them. He had more with/after dinner asking for “more, more, more” several times.

And, it is funny to hear Max say things and wonder where he picked that up and then realize it was me. For example, he has started to say, “No, mmmm mmmm” (hard to type that sound and the inflection in it) and shake his head and I couldn’t figure it out until I realized that I do that to him. Oh, my wonderful sponge.

Another funny from the day is about moles. A few weeks ago, he asked what this bump on my stomach is and it is a mole. He was very intrigued by that, can clearly say the word and has asked to see it a few times. This morning he was climbing all over me and my back and came across another mole on my neck and another on my chest. He kept touching them and saying mole, mole, mole. Later in the day, after his nap* he wanted to go swimming and it was already shady enough that I just stripped him down naked. He pointed to his chest and said “mole”. I laughed and told him he didn’t have any moles, only momma had moles, and he put his finger right on his nipple. I explained that wasn’t a mole, but a nipple and labeled his and mine a few times showing him. He nodded, then moved on.

* Another Max knows his own mind story. Max woke up crying from his nap today, which is pretty rare. When I got him out of the crib, he wanted to be cuddled a bit and then slid out of my arms from the rocking chair …to read books actually …and when I asked him if he wanted his sleep sack/blanket off, I was told no, mmm mmm with the head shaking and all (and normally he is asking for it off, off, off before he is even taken out of the crib. The kid wanted it on until he decided he wanted to go swimming at least 30 - 40 min. later. Other than being a bit concerned he would fall and crack his head open on the tile floor while trying to walk in what amounts to a sleeping bag, I couldn't see the harm and let it go.

And then, there was the small styrofoam container of grapes left from our lunch out after church that he climbed on the counter to get this afternoon when he was hungry prompting me to look at the clock and realize I should give him dinner. I went to throw it out once the grapes were gone, but no, mmm mmm. Apparently, he was not done with it yet and used it to hold his precious soft pretzel for the rest of the night and it is still sitting upside down on the coffee table as I type. I’ll probably leave it and give him his morning snack in it now, just because he seemed so attached.

I’ve thought on more than one occasion recently that it would be really hard for Max to have a sibling right now or to be a younger sibling or a twin…not so much because he would have to share me as much as I could not be as accommodating to him and his needs as I am right now. He seems to really need it. It reduces the amount of tantrums around here and I figure why be a stickler about things I could care less about and save my hard stance for those things that really matter to me like safety issues, hitting, or taking a DVD out of its case.

I guess this ended up being more about Max than the books, but I guess I haven’t really went on and on and on about him in awhile. While I do find this stage a bit mind numbing, I also find it a lot of fun and interesting because he can do so much more. He (just like all kids I’m sure) just has so much personality right now. I also find it interesting to watch his solo play where he rides his cars through his little people farm and takes the animals from his farm for a ride on his bus and how he figures things out.

He dumped is wooden blocks yesterday and was sorting through them (hasn’t really ever been into building or stacking yet). I was reading or on the computer or something and he starts yelling choo choo. I said, train? Not knowing what he was talking about and he got up, showed me the block, which did, in fact, have a choo choo train on it. He was so happy.

I guess I could go on an on tonight about him tonight. He’s had me laughing this weekend about how into the Little Einstein’s he is….pat, pat, pat, pat…BLAST OFF. In fact, physically, he is trying to do what he sees just as much as verbally he is trying to copy what he hears. But, I’ll stop. For now…. REALLY!

Wiped

TGIF! I’m so glad that it is Friday. It has been a really long week and I can’t tell you how glad I am that it is over.

I dropped my cousin’s daughter off at the airport this afternoon and got teary eyed as I gave her a last hug goodbye as she boarded the plane. It will probably sound really, really mean, but the tears were of relief not sadness. She was homesick off and on the entire time with the worst of it being Wednesday. I won’t get into a lot of details because I have already vented to a friend and I’m too tired to get into it. Let’s just say a major temper tantrum on her part made worse by how her parents handled the situation made me once again thankful I decided to parent (or at least start a family) solo.

I’m just so glad to be back to my little family and a kid who is reasonable easy going and goes to bed at 7 pm.

I’m typing this on my new laptop. While waiting at the airport getting irritated (but trying to not let it show) that C wanted a $3 bagel after I had asked her several times to eat a good lunch before we left and had her pack some grapes and “fish” in case she got hungry (not the money, the principle) and browsing the paper, I saw an ad for an inexpensive ($400) laptop on sale from a local electronics store. I’ve been keeping my eye open for awhile, but hadn’t seen what I wanted for what I wanted to pay (not much) since I really only want it for wireless internet connectivity for the living room and backyard. The sale that includes a rebate on top of that is only for this weekend so I ran out and got it before putting Max down. And, here I am with a basic laptop connected to the internet from where ever I want to be in my house. Yeah!
Max is finally starting to “play” with things other than balls and really doesn’t need or want my full attention quite a bit of the time, but he wants me around. I have found this stage to be incredibly mind numbing mixed with moments of pure joy and fun and a bit of dread when a terrible two type attitude quickly emerges and disappears. As a result, I have rediscover my love of reading. I’ve been making my way through the Left Behind series after watching a really interesting news special a few months ago that talked about the books and how a lot of the technology and situations needed to set up the prophesies are not win place. I had previously read up through book 8 and re-read those and about to start the last one this weekend. With the new laptop, I’ll now have another handy diversion to keep my sane while I appreciate the fact that my child can and is now interested in driving cars, buses, trains, and boats all over the house and yard, engrossed in his little people farm, boat, and truck, discovering sidewalk chalk, etc.

And, maybe I’ll be better about posting to my blog. I just really haven’t had time during the day and am so sick of my office at the end of the day that I haven’t wanted to go back in there after Max is down for the night.

In fertility news, I had another IUI on Tuesday and in yet another 2ww. I had actually ovulated prior to the IUI. My guess is only an hour before, but this is the second month in a row that the follicle was gone prior to the 36 hours and I don’t really like it. I’m not really worried about timing and likely won’t even ask to move up my next IUI (confident this one worked, huh?) because the egg typically lasts 24 hours while frozen sperm is only supposed to last about 12 hours. So, even if I had ovulated at 30 hours, if the egg quality decent the timing should be fine. It is just a new trend that I don’t like. I guess it is possible that I missed my surge, but think that is pretty unlikely, especially two months in a row. Hey, being wiped out and lack of time/energy, if good for anything, has kept me for stressing or researching it to death.

Speaking of lack of time and energy and things it hasn’t been good for…my eating. My carb and sugar intake really has been quite bad this week. And, I can really feel it. I need to get back on track. I must. On the way back from the airport I stopped for some basic groceries and didn’t get the chips, cookies, ice cream that I was craving. Can’t eat what’s not in the house. Max and I have no actual plans this weekend with a few errands that could be done, but likely won’t get done. I can’t wait. It is much needed.

Gosh, my kid is so darn cute. We got in the big pool almost every night after work this week, except for tonight since I had to rush out and get this nifty laptop. I just sat on the side in short and let him get in naked to play on the steps. He loved it. I think we are going to have a fun summer.

Okay, time to drink a bunch of water, take my vitamins, and distress before climbing between the sheets. I am so tired…and thirsty (which is not good since as the saying goes by the time you feel thirsty you are already dehydrated).

Yes, I know I am repeating myself, but I am just so darn worn out, wiped out, and depleted at the moment that I’m so glad for not only the weekend, but a nice quiet weekend at that.
TGIF!