Cycle Day 1

I started spotting late last night and got my period this morning. And, so starts another cycle. And, I have never felt less like cycling.

I called this morning to schedule my appointment for tomorrow, but the office is going to be closed for the weekend so they wanted me to come in today. I wasn’t prepared and had to scramble at the last minute to find someone to watch Max all before his mommy and me class this morning.

The appointment went fine. I cried on the way there and on and off during the visit. Going to the office today was one of the hardest and most emotional things I have done in a long while; all this on top of feeling cruddy and crampy and bloated.; all this on top of not sleeping well the last few nights and not having a chance to rest let alone nap today.

I won’t even tell you the state the house is in – bad. The floor really needs to be vacuumed and moped. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Stims and dex start tomorrow. Next appointment is Wednesday.

There is going to be a service for Dr. N on Saturday morning that I’m going to go to with a few other friends. There was a chance for us to submit a tribute and here is what I submitted.

Dr. N was the only RE I ever had and the only RE I ever wanted. He touched me in so many ways, both big and small. His compassion and understanding were phenomenal. Over the 3+ years I was his patient, he gifted me with a free education, patiently answering question after question after question, in person and in emails. This caused him to laugh one day and comment that I now knew more than several RE’s he knew. Doubtful I am sure, but if I came even close it was only because he was such a good teacher. I will never ever forget sitting in his office for a consult on the day I came in for pregnancy test; I was so sure it was another failed cycle that I was ready to plan for the next cycle. Most RE’s would make you wait until an official negative, but he didn’t put me off, knowing that I needed that plan for the future before getting another disappointment. And I remember vividly, several hours later, the genuine joy in his voice when he called to congratulate me on my pregnancy, which resulted in my son, Max. My miracle baby is the biggest legacy that Dr. N gave me. I cherish the picture of Dr. P, Dr. N, Max, and me in the hospital that was taken the day after my son was born; it sits on our piano and is held often as I tell my son his birth story about how Dr. N helped momma conceive him and Dr. P helped deliver him. He will always be a part of our family story. However, it was really in the harder times, after my miscarriages, after my cancelled IVF cycles, after my surgeries, after the tests and procedures that really showed the fabric and character of Dr. N, whose strength and support allowed me dust myself off and come back another day to try again. He never gave up hope. He never gave up on me. It is that which I hold dear: the cumulative sum that had me leaving each visit happier than I came in, even though the news was usually less then stellar, and the many emails, of course. Dr. N was so humble that it seemed he thought that he was only doing his job, but he was doing so much more; he was fundamental in helping me create my family. We talked once about how he wasn’t just going to get me pregnant, but how he was going to help me have a child, and he did. It was that fundamental difference that stood out. His care reflected that as we kept in touch during my pregnancy whether it was advice on whether to have an amnio (ultimately, I declined) or just a general update. After the birth of my son, he was genuinely happy (as opposed to placating a proud momma) to see my son grow and reach new milestones. Most recently, Dr. N has been helping me try to build the family he helped create. He will never be forgotten by me and the family that he helped create.

Truly Horrific

I thought I wanted to know more about how Dr. N died and mentioned to a friend (and former patient of Dr. N’s) how I had browsed for a few articles but hadn’t found anything. This friend happens to be a lawyer and obviously way better and searching/researching than I. Now that I know, I wish I didn’t.

Warning: Graphic details exerted from news article below

The California Highway Patrol said that just after 9 a.m., a driver headed northbound hit another car from behind. The driver of the car that was hit lost control of the SUV and crossed the center divider, colliding head-on with an oncoming big rig. The driver of the SUV died at the scene. The vehicle caught fire, and the victim was burned beyond recognition, said the CHP.

The coroner's office won't officially release his identity until his dental records are confirmed.

He was killed on Monday after an accident on the highway forced him to drive across the median and into oncoming traffic, where he collided with a big rig.

I just feel cold and nauseous. Apparently, there have been several other fatalities in this same spot and “Caltrans is in the process of putting guardrails in the center divider” to prevent more. It is just so senseless and horrible.

So much for trying to get a better night sleep tonight.

Thank You’s

I was so distracted today that I left for an afternoon and came back several hours later to my front door open wide because I forgot to close it and my toilet running because I didn’t hear it without my sweater to meet a fellow SMC who has a son about Max’s age for an excursion to the Zoo. It was a crisp afternoon and I looked down at Max at one point and his hands were purple/blue they were so cold. Yikes! Good thing I did have his mittens.

Anyway, one of the things I was thinking about a lot today was how sometimes we touch people and don’t know it and how sometimes we touch people and we do take the time to say thanks.

I often told Dr. N how much I appreciated him. I knew that he was fairly new to the practice when I started with him and I made a point after my first m/c of writing him an email of thanks with details on what I appreciated and copied his boss and his bosses boss. I did that several times over the years and wrote a nice success story after Max was born and as I started trying for a sibling for Max for my clinics web page. I really, really think he knew how much his being my dr. meant to me. For that, I am really grateful.

Yesterday, our afternoon excursion was a trip to the grocery store. Max and I were in the check out stand and Max pointed out the balloons. On a whim, I got out of line and got one for my niece along with some cupcakes and left them with a card on the counter (saying how happy I was that my neice was living with us and how much we would miss her when she moved) with all the lights off except the Christmas tree for when she got home from work. When I woke up this morning after not much sleep, I woke up to this note.

Debbie - This gesture was right on time. This period in my life has not been an easy one – yet somehow you’ve stepped in and relieved a ton of anxiety, helped to resolve a lot of hurt, and reopened my eyes to the true meanings of love and family (mine had gotten a little fuzzy and jaded). You are a remarkable woman and a wonderful mother (not only to Max.). All the little things you do are noted and appreciated. I can’t even begin to think how I’ll ever be able to show you how important you’ve been/are to me. This holiday was tough – and x-mas is sure to be another emotional obstacle – but your care and understanding have made these potential disastrous “cry-fests” seem manageable. I guess with this long winded letter I’m just trying to say a huge – no GINORMOUS - THANK YOU!! You are amazing. Max is a lucky boy and I’m a very lucky and grateful niece. I still have another month here (which will be fun being Max’s age) – but I hope we can continue to keep in touch and be major roles in each others lives, especially seeing the positive effect you’ve made in a mere month. I love you and Max very much. Thank you!

The funny thing is, that I really don’t think I have done much for her except be her aunt and give her a place to stay rent free for a few months. Truly, her being here has been a big help to me because she often runs errands to pick up yet more milk for Max or some such errand while never accepting money from me. When she is around, she will play with Max, who just lights up when she enters the room and “performs” for her (very, very cute to see) and will do some quick pick up of toys, etc. Several times when she is in for the night, she will listen for Max while I run out to pick up some dinner or run to the book store or whatever. The freedom of being out after 7 pm all by myself for a quick run without having to battle Max into the car seat; I’m not sure I can describe it. Anyway, I feel like I am getting as much out of her being here and I do remember being her age and poor and scared and wishing I had a safety net. I really haven’t thought too much about it until I got her note.

Maybe Dr. N just felt he was doing his job as an RE and not doing anything special just like I feel like I am just doing my job as an Aunt for my niece and not doing anything special. Yet, it is nice to be thanked and to be appreciated. I’m glad I took the time over the years to say thank you to Dr. N and let him know how much I appreciated him. Again, I know he knew. For that I am grateful. And, I’m humbled and pleased that I am having such an impact on my niece.

Tragedy

I just can’t get Dr. N and his family out of my mind. It is just such a tragedy. He was around my age. Probably a few years younger. Admire is probably the wrong word, but I had such respect and fondness (that doesn’t seem like the right word either) for him.

He was only me doctor, but I felt a special relationship for him. He helped me conceive Max. He was through me for 2 m/c’s, 2 surgeries, 2 cancelled IVF’s, countless procedures, wandings, etc. He gave me the information I needed, but the decision on how to proceed and what to do next was always mine. I saw him more than any other doctor and in more intimate situations (surprised when I go to the dr. for something else these days and keep my clothes on and my legs together) than any prior or I’m sure to come.

I can only imagine the loss that his family and friends are feeling.

God bless him and his family.

Utter shock

My RE was killed in a car accident today. His wife is due any time now with their fourth child. He was the only RE I ever saw or wanted to see. I have said many times over how he was the perfect doctor for me. He tirelessly answered question and question after question over the years until I almost ran out. I have been thinking over the last few weeks I should email him on a few things mostly about what to try next if my ovaries don’t respond again. I was scheduled to see him sometime this week as soon as I got my period, which I predict as tomorrow. I have this wonderful picture of him, his wife who is my OB, me, and Max one day old in the hospital. Max and I look at it often and it is part of Max’s birth story. I was so hoping to have another such picture with another child sometime next year. My feeling of loss and sorrow is nothing compared to that of his family. May they have the strength and fortitude to deal this horrible, horrible loss. He truly was a compassionate man and a wonderful doctor. I am just one of many, many people whose life he touched. Why do such bad things happen to such good people?

Check

3 cc’s of PIO injected in upper outer quadrant of the derriere – Check

Decided to inject a bit early today since ex-boy friend (first love and first lover) is coming over tonight with his brother and a mutual friend for cards. He lives out of state, but we still stay somewhat in touch and see each other if he is in town. Should be fun. However, told him he has until 10 pm then I must cease, desist, and go to sleep since the kid is an early riser.

Max was so amp’d up with the company yesterday he did his no nap routine and didn’t sleep in the car to my sisters like I had hoped. However, he was his fun charming self and had a great time. We left at 5:30 pm and he fell asleep on the way home at 6 pm. The only problem with this was that he then felt 4 am was a good wake up time and I wasn’t too thrilled with it. My cousin asked what was the one thing that would help me the most today and I said that at noon, we have family nap time and everyone naps or quietly rests from noon until 2 pm. Gosh, I really needed that break. I think everyone slept. Just what we all needed before card night.

Max is off to the Ronald Regan museum with his Uncle Jim (who is also his god father) who is starting early brainwashing in the hopes Max grows up to be a Republican. LOL. I told him to give him it his best shot and to knock himself out. So, I got a nap and a few hours of free time today. Yes, rather than be productive, I play on the computer.

Too bad I have a house full of guests and Keith is coming with an entourage. Some good ole fashioned sex* would be nice after weeks and weeks of estrogen. Ah well, the progesterone will be kicking in soon now that I have shot up.

* We broke up “officially” when I was 25 ish and I am now 40, but we continued to engage in “intimate” relations when the mood and opportunity presents itself. Sadly, that hasn’t happened in years. It is a nice comfortable arraignment that is usually driven by me. As in, I usually tell him in advance if he should be prepared to “put out” or not. LOL. Again, ah well.

15 month peds

Max had his 15 month pediatrician appointment today. All is fine. He and I are both fighting off a cold, but other than that, Max got a clean bill of health…and 4 shots today. He wasn’t amused with the shots, but was fine for the rest of the appointment. Dr. H commented on how Max is always on the go. Yeah, tell me about it. LOL. We both agree that is why he is so skinny.

Weight: 22 lbs 14 oz. – 25 %, increased from 5th and 20th percentiles
Height: 32 ¾ in – 90%, increased from 75%
Head Circumference – 18 ½ -50 %, same

We stopped by the store for some Tylenol and Benadryl on the way to dinner with some friends and just got back. It has been a good, but long day.

Today is 2 days into (4 if you count the weekend) my 2 week gig pretending to be a SAHM while Noemi is on vacation. Loving it, in spite of us being a bit under the weather.

Had my last estrogen shot on Monday night and will shoot up 3 cc’s of progesterone on Friday night. Then, just wait for my period for another t42 attempt.

I’m really wishing I could just pretend that there is not Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to my sisters and making Cherry pies. I’m not really dreading it so much, it just seems like an awful lot of effort when I am so tired right now.

Max is actually back to sleeping 10 hours a day most nights and a 2 hour nap most days, but last night he woke up at 3 am coughing and congested and crying. I gave him some medicine and got him back to sleep, but I was up.

All and all, everything is good. Busy, but not crazy busy. Just living life, enjoying Max. He is a funny dude.

Biting

Last night I wrapped up work right was Max was finishing dinner. As I walked in the kitchen, Noemi had just finished washing his hands and he leaned over for me and she passed him off. He gave me a big hug, nestled into my shoulder and bit me. I leaned him away from me so he could see my face and said loudly and sharply “NO BITE”. He started to cry and nestled into me again and bit again, but was very careful to only get my shirt and not me. I pulled him away from me and again sharply said “NO BITE” and then put him on the ground. You should have seen his face crumble. I told him that I did not like to be bitten and that it hurts. I walked away as he cried for me to pick him back up, which I did not do although it was hard to not. Then, I got him distracted in something else. As I was walking away and distracting him (feeling like I had made my point and not wanting to belabor the reprimand), Noemi commented that he did that to her all the time. After Max had calmed down and was distracted playing with something in the family room, I went over to Noemi and told her she can’t let Max do that. Sigh. I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell her that, but at least she saw how I reacted and handled the situation.

The only other time that Max has bit me was when he was about 7 – 8 months old and he bit my leg while I was talking on the phone. I had just about the same reaction then.

I hear that many go through this “biter” phase, but momma is going to nip this in the bud fast. I doubt he will do it again any time soon. He really did not like being reprimanded. Yet, it makes me wonder if he is teething again because he isn’t really much in to pacifiers and found one the other day and has used it a few times when he sees it laying around.

On the other hand, the last two days, we have either minor or no drama when Noemi came and I started working.

My Clown

What a difference a year makes, huh?

2005



2006






Max is really developing a sense of humor. Many times, when we are driving, he will be talking to himself, then he will just start laughing and laughing, cracking himself up. It makes me laugh even if I have no idea what he thought was so darn funny.

If something catches his funny bone, he will just start laughing, even if he is in the middle of a crying fit.

Over the weekend when Christmas shopping, I purchased up a few new DVD’s for Max. I put one in for him last night while I was cleaning up from dinner. All of a sudden, he just started laughing. I go to look at the screen and it was some silly scene where a puppet was putting mail in the mailbox, he would turn around, and the mail would fly back out. It was some slap stick type humor and I was so surprised and impressed that Max “got it”. There were a few other similar scenes and he laughed appropriately at each one of them. He “got it” every time.

In some ways, Max really can be a clown and not just for Halloween. He loves an audience and will perform. Right after my niece moved in, Max was showing off for her when she came in, but she didn’t realize it and walked to the back of the house. As soon as she walked away, he stopped. I made some comment about it and N walked back into the room. As soon as she walked in, he started “performing” again. Very funny.

“Going to Work”

Max’s least favorite words these days are as follows:

“Max, momma is going to go take a shower and then work.”

“Max, momma is going to go take a shower.”

“Max, momma has to go work.”

This has been going on for a few weeks now. I’ve tried different variations with the same results. He just throws an absolute fit and either clings to me or reaches for me (if Noemi is holding him). I don’t want to just disappear, but I hate to cause such a scene. I try not to belabor the point. In the past, I could distract him with a game or a toy or something, but not recently. So, I just give him another hug/hold him for about 20 seconds, acknowledge his feelings, and leave.

Monday’s are always worst. Major, major melt down this morning. Poor guy.

Not only is it hard on him. I know that it is hard for me and think it is hard for Noemi. She commented the other day about how Max isn’t even going to want to see her when she comes back from her two week trip to Guatemala. She has commented in the past how in the past, when the mom works out of the house that the kids cry when she leaves at the end of the day. She has told me many times that Max is fine and happy with her when I’m not around. I believe her. I do. If I didn’t, I would not trust her with my son.

One day last week (must have been Thursday?), I popped out real quick while Max was eating lunch to grab something to eat/drink myself and say hello. After a few minutes, I told Max I had to go back to work. He just lost it. He wasn’t finished eating, but we had to take him out of the high chair he was so distraught. After that (Friday?), I waited until Max was napping before I left my office for a quick break. Sigh. I like having little snippets of the day with him, but it just isn’t worth the drama for us all.

I’m almost positive this is normal behavior/separation anxiety stuff, but there is a tad of worry and doubt. With all the talk of abuse by a care giver, I have paused to reflect if this could be a concern/issue and really don’t think it is. Max is happy to see Noemi. He is happy and laughs around her. I have faith in trust in her. But, is has caused me to pause and reflect.

And, I don’t know what the matter with me is. I blew off my first meeting of the day since there is no attendance/roll call taken and I didn’t have to give an update. My second meeting of the day was cancelled. Instead of getting work done that I HAVE to do before I go on vacation at the end of the week, I’ve been farting around browsing the internet, writing this, and starting laundry since Noemi didn’t start it before she took Max to the park since he was being a total cry baby for me this morning.

I’m just so not in the mood to work and feeling so blah and tired and it is only Monday morning. Think I could get away with being a cry baby too?

The Odds

I’ve been trying not to think of them. I’m just hoping there is another miracle baby or two in me. There is a 25% chance the scar tissue that was holding down my small intestines will return and even less than (way less than) 5% chance I will ever conceive again (with my own eggs). How are those for odds?

I talked to a good friend the other day that also has low Inhibin B. Hers is 35. Mine is 7. It should be over 40 – 45. She and I see the same RE. In her post cycle consult (unfortunately, it was a failed cycle), our RE told her that follicles that are producing good quality eggs produce Inhibin B. Low Inhibin B is also of poor egg quality as well as low ovarian reserve. Great! Just great! Shit!!!

Really, the odds aren’t good. Really, they are bad. Quite, quite bad.

When I was talking to another friend about the Inhibin B stuff and egg quality, she commented on how my hormones tend to run on their own scale. I had to laugh because she is so right. The reality is that my Inhibin B had to suck as badly on the cycle I conceived Max as it does now. That’s the only thing that has kept me hoping. I really did always know that Max was a miracle baby. That cycle never ever should have worked. And, that’s what helps keep a small amount of hope alive.

If I have zero response on this cycle after this modified estrogen priming protocol, I think I am going to try two more times before moving on. If I get a low response, I don’t know what I will do or how long I will try. I have 6 vials right now and my donor is very, very, very limited if there is any of him left at all. I haven’t bought more because there really isn’t any point if I have non-functioning ovaries.

Been thinking about “moving on’ and what that means to me.

Doing nothing and having just Max. He is a great kid and so funny, but I just get knots in my stomach and sad when I think about this option. It just feels WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

Adoption. In theory, I have no problem with this, but the thought just makes me tired. It is a new process to learn. More to research. I have no idea how much it costs or where to get started. It feels overwhelming.

Donor egg. It’s expensive, but would at least give Max a half bio sib. It would take the pressure off the timing for a third (probably). It is a process I am familiar, and sadly, comfortable with at this time. I get nervous when I think about the price tag, but then think that I spent $40K for my car (paid off) and over 4 times that for my house (not paid off) and those are just things. I think I can go here if I have to. I just really don’t want to have to.

Anyway, as the cycle gets closer, I’m getting more afraid.

I’m hopeful for all the wrong reasons. It happened once. It happened in December. It happened on my 4th try. And, I’m hoping that it will happen again, in December, on my 4th try for #2.

The odds aren’t good. It should have never happened the first time. It is unlikely it will happen again. When I think of the odds, I get anxious and fearful. I get panicky. God, I hope this works, in spite of the sucky odds.

Three more shots of estrogen. And, as I have reminded myself several times today, it is Sunday, so no shot today. Then, I do 3 cc’s of progesterone the Friday after Thanksgiving and call when I get my period.

Quick Weekend Update – Busy weekend. Lots of running around and errands. SMC get together. Christmas shopping (love that Max is still at an age I can do this with him). Picked up Max’s Halloween Pics. Maybe I’ll get them scanned tomorrow, but maybe not. A lot to do at work this week. Only one week left of work, then I’m pretending to be a SAHM for two weeks.

Oh, yeah, been feeling “crampy”, like I’m going to get my period, but haven’t even started spotting. Have thought that maybe this is when I normally would have gotten my period, but haven’t pulled out the calendar to verify.

I had to laugh. I talked to my nurse coordinator last week to confirm the timing and dosage of the progesterone shot and she made some comment about if I had a great response converting from IUI to IVF. Yeah, right. I told her that it just isn’t going to happen. I just want two, maybe three follicles. I wouldn’t be thrilled, but would even take one lone follicle. I’m just hoping and praying for more than zero.

Fuck the odds. Odds are just odds. That’s what I keep telling myself.* It can work, IF my ovaries do something. If they give me something to work with. I’m going to be really upset if I get another zero response cycle. With no response, there is zero chance. With a poor response, there is at least a small chance.

*Yeah, I know that odds are odds for a reason and statistically speaking what they mean and all, but this is a self pep talk. Plus, Max is living proof that sometimes odds are just odds.

TGFI

Thank God For Insurance.

Got the bill for my unexpected overnight stay in the hospital from my lap few weeks ago; Just the hospital for room/board/pharmacy while admitted. This does not include the surgeons or the x-rays and such. The grand total was over $22K

And, then I got the payment summary from the insurance company:

Amount billed by provider: $22,218.00
Amount saved by using a network provider : $20,426.00
Amount we paid: $1,612.80
Patient Responsibility: $179.20


Or, the diagnostic testing that identified the gallstones….

Amount billed by provider: $3,026.00
Amount saved by using a network provider : $2,033.59
Amount we paid: $793.93
Patient Responsibility: $198.48


I mean, the costs do still add up, but it would be much, much worse without insurance. I really don’t know how people do it if they don’t have insurance or good insurance. Granted, I pay a fair amount for the top of the line coverage offered by my employer. I just had to renew my coverage for 2007 and I really debated on whether to add Max to my dental overage as it added about $300/year, but decided to do so just in case. It would be cheaper to not add him if he just had 2 office visits next year, but it could get quite costly if he had some accident or such that damaged his teeth. I waffled and waffled and finally decided to pay the money up front and to look at it as a blessing if I didn’t need to use the coverage for anything other than routine care.

I have been bemoaning my insurance this last year because they took away the really plush plan that I loved where I could alternate between HMO and PPO as I wanted. Loved that plan. Still very sad I no longer have it. So, while I can’t say I heart my insurance, I’m very, very happy I have it.

TGFI!

I voted

So, I sucked it up and did some research this afternoon after being motivated by a friend. I purposely didn’t vote for the judges since there was a lot and I didn’t have time to research and accidentally forgot to research the local city issues (didn’t see them until I was actually voting), but got to everything else and feel like I made a fairly informed decision with the limited time I had to prepare.

The polls are still open for 30 more minutes, then I will go help break down and count ballots. However, I’m very tired and just wish I could head to bed.

Another good night last night with Max sleeping until 5:45. I think we are back on track sleep wise.

Max and I were playing after our evening walk and before bath and I started singing itsy bitsy spider for him. I got a standing ovation from my son. Be still my heart. My kid is a winner and I think I’ll keep him. Nothing like your son standing and clapping and smiling at your antics.

Getting back to my friend (a fellow SMC of a 1 year old who managed to find the time to do some research and was planning on voting with her daughter) motivating me, she used some of my own words to do it. I guess I have said something like we exercise in our family or we do xyz in our family. She said that it really struck her and there were things like going to church and voting that she realized that she wanted to define as doing in her family. Made me realize that just hosting the polling place wasn’t the message I wanted to send to Max and even if he is only 1, I was setting a bad trend and precedent by not making the effort. Plus, I read a few places how low the voter turn out typically is for single women and decided I really wouldn’t feel good about falling on the wrong side of that statistic. I’m even further behind at work now, but I’m glad I did it.

6 Down, 4 To Go

Six estrogen shots down and only four to go until my next attempt for a second child. The estrogen is doing something cause my left ovary feels achy and sore for a day or two after each shot. Sadly, my right ovary seems to be unaffected. Mostly, I’m just cruising along dealing with life. I have mild panic attacks every now and again thinking I have forgotten to take a shot before I realize that it isn’t a Monday or a Thursday. I have had a few anxiety attacks when I start to think about what if this protocol doesn’t work and my ovaries still have a zero response, but I just try not to think down that path very often and tell myself to just wait and see. Of course, I want the cycle to work with the end result being a sibling for Max, but if I at least get some kind of response even if the eggs are crap and don’t result in a child, I will at least hold some hope that a future cycle will hold “the good egg”. Every now and again, I worry that the ache and soreness I feel in my left ovary is not a good sign, but a bad one and I’m doing irreparable damage to my ovary; yet, I have been too afraid (and busy…yeah that’s it) to email my RE to ask. Mostly, I’m just cruising along, living life and talking my shots when I need to.

I had a good laugh at myself this weekend. Saturday night I soaked in the bath and washed my hair after I put Max to sleep. In high school/college, we used to joke about needing to stay home and wash our hair when we didn’t want to go out on a date with someone or didn’t have a date. I was laughing because I so desperately needed to wash my hair and I was perfectly content and happy staying in on Saturday night to do so.

Tomorrow is Election Day. Sadly, I still haven’t looked at the ballot or decided how I want to vote. For those who may not know, my garage it the polling place for my precinct. I believe in the power of the vote and that every vote counts and I’m thinking of not voting tomorrow because I am so unprepared and don’t feel like staying up late on the computer doing the research I would need to have an educated decision. Sigh. My plan is to see if I can squander some of my precious and busy work time tomorrow to do it and if not, just miss this election. I don’t feel good about missing it, but feel so unmotivated and tired tonight. The California League of Women’s Voters has a great non-partisan web site that makes researching the issues much easier. You just put in your address and it brings up your ballot and links to what you need on both sides of the issues or on the candidates for you to make an informed decision.

We are getting back into a better sleep routine again after the cold and time change. We had a big regression on Friday night/Saturday morning, but Saturday night was much better and last night was very good. Max slept in until 6:15, which is actually later than what I like and need him to sleep. Actually, 5:30 am is my ideal time for us to get up so we can hang out and spend some time easing into the day, then going to the park to play/walk the dog before coming home to breakfast and work/nanny. We just walked around the neighborhood instead of doing the park thing this morning. However, even though Max slept in, I woke at 4, and then again at 5 (for good) since I am so used to being woken up then. Sigh. So, I’m tired, but not desperate for sleep where that is the only thought I can have during every waking moment which is how I felt last week at this time.

Off to veg out a bit before bed and feel guilty about the voting thing, but not so guilty to actually do something about it. And, to go back into zone mode about the upcoming cycle instead of the nervous anxiety I’m having at the moment.

Mom-my

I’ve gone from being momma to being mommy this last week. I’m sure it is something else my little guy picked up at the park. Mom-my, Mom-my, Mom-my, with a strong emphases on the last syllable. Very cute. I’m still calling myself momma and decided to let Max decide what he wants to call me without making an issue of it.

The other day we were out walking in the dark and there were some shadows. Max was trying to chase them and figure it out. He’d run forward and the shadows would still stay ahead of him Again, very cute. I was telling him they were shadows because of the light. He just looked at Shadow (our dog) in a confused way.

Nice massage today. Nice nap. Nice afternoon of reading.

And, I wasn’t very productive, but did get some groceries (motivated by the high need for milk) and return a few calls.

Had another early, early morning today. Sigh.

I think Max is going through another momma separation anxiety phase as he was crying when I left this morning for my appointment and crying when he found out I wasn’t going to the park with him and Noemi this afternoon. Another sigh.

Really glad I took the day off. I really needed a me day. And, a nap. Very nice.

Brutal

Just a quick post to say that Max and I are still alive; Halloween went fine; he made a cute clown and has grown an inch or two in the last month since my sister measured him for the costume; we have been sick (just a cold); who ever thought up daylight savings must never had small children who were on a schedule and that I never realized before how much it sucked; work is consuming; my free time is spent with Max and/or trying to sleep or fantasizing about sleep; and even if I had some free time to blog, return phone calls, pay bills, I haven’t had the energy. We have had a few really bad nights here, but are getting back on track. I never could have imagined this when Max was just born, but there have been a few times recently where I really wasn’t enjoying being a mommy very much, like between 3 and 5 am when Max wants up and to play and momma wants to sleep, my niece went in to “save” him when he was screaming bloody murder ensuing a conversation on how she should check with me first; etc and so on. Just a little rough patch. Things are already improving.

I’m taking tomorrow as a vacation day and have a nice low key weekend with minimal social engagements. I have a 9 am massage booked, a chiropractor adjustment right after that, and then dreams of a nap or lying in bed reading for the rest of the day (hahahaha). Anyway, our schedule and life has been a bit brutal lately.