Change is hard!!!

I am so good at pointing that out to others and I had to point it out to myself. It is hard enough when you have one part of your life in flux, much harder the more change that you have. And, I have a lot of change going on. I could go into detail about the whole change curve and the stages a person goes through, basically denial, the valley of despair, and acceptance. Actually, there is another stage in there between denial and valley of despair…avoidance I think. I think it is safe to say that yesterday I was in the valley of despair.

I’ve been doing a lot of self analysis trying to figure out what, exactly, is bugging me. Yesterday, I knew that something was off, but didn’t know what…just that I felt really bad. Today, I think I have figured it out. At least most of it. Like most things in life it is multifaceted.

1) Invasion of Space/Privacy
2) Noise/Crying
3) Parenting Style
4) Work
5) Separation anxiety

I like being alone. I like my space. I like living alone. I am used to living alone and having everything done my way. It is hard having someone else here and around. She makes my bed. She washes and puts away my laundry. She is in my drawers and closets and cupboards. She folds my clothes differently than I do. She hangs things I would put in a drawer. It bugs me, but I think I can live with it. I don’t like having my bed made. It seems like such a waste. Every night I just have to put it back the way I wanted it/left it. I know that some people would really like it. It bugs me, but I think I can live with it. When she is making my bed, she puts the breastfeeding pillow and my remote in Max’s co-sleeper. I don’t think I can live with that. I want nothing in the crib/co-sleeper but Max and the little triangles to keep him in place. It’s just me. Anyway, the point is that as we have been transitioning, I have increased Niomi’s hours so she is around and in my space more. If I am going to have an in-home nanny, I need to get used to having my space invaded to a certain extent. This, per se, is not a Niomi issue, it would bug me whoever was here, but I need to identify what I can live with and what I can’t. Those that bug me enough that I want done my way, I need to say something to her about it. If she continues to do it after I talk to her, then it is an issue. I need to spend more time thinking about what I can and can’t live with, but I feel a lot better having identified that I was being invaded.

I don’t like loud noises. I never have. They physically hurt my ears and cause me stress and anxiety. Many people, especially if they live alone will have the radio or TV on in the background for noise. I almost never do this. I like the quiet. When I do listen to music or TV, I usually keep the volume just low enough so that I can hear it. When Niomi is trying to entertain or distract Max, she is loud. When we went to the dr. the other day, she spent half the car ride shaking rattles in his face. I wanted to shout, PLEASE STOP. PLEASE SHUT UP. When we got to the waiting room, they had some toys for children and again, she got in his face and started moving them and making noise. Again, I wanted to shout, PLEASE STOP. PLEASE BE QUIET. I didn’t because although I was worried she was over-stimulating him, he wasn’t crying or fussy. I realize now that it wasn’t about Max. It was me that was getting over stimulated and projecting my feelings. On the noise, I really can’t take it. It is stressing me out all over again just thinking about it. I can close my office door when I work to filter out most of it. This is a style thing. Not sure if it is a deal breaker or not.

Crying babies have always grated on my nerves and stressed me out. People have said to me many times that it is different (meaning better, easier to take) when it is your own. I have also come to discover and in the last day recognize and admit that it is WORSE for me when it is my own. Max’s high pitch cry’s screams hurt my ears and causes me physical anxiety. In some of the reading I have done (more of the Baby Whisperer), while I logically know that all babies cry and it is their only way to communicate, inside I feel like BABY CRY=BAD MOMMY. On top of the other reading that I have done that says that babies feel insecure and won’t develop trust if you let them cry. A good friend asked me where I read that and we reviewed the pages together. Lucky she had the same book. It made me realize that I hadn’t read or absorb the parts that all babies will cry and sometimes you can’t settle them down. I filtered that right out. The crying thing is MY issue. It would be an issue no matter who the care giver is. It is hard enough when he cries when I am in charge. It is much, much harder to have him cry and listening to someone else try to settle him. This is a “me” issue that I need to work through. However, I am not sure that I like the way that Niomi tries to sooth him, because it is too loud for me, making me much more anxious. Adding fuel to the fire. I do like it when she takes him out of the house away from me. I hope that the walking and fresh air sooth him, but really…incessant crying and fussiness, especially in my own son, ties my stomach in not and winds me tighter than get out.

I talked to two SMC’s yesterday who both love their nanny’s. I wanted to find out if they grew to feel that way over time or had an instant connection. It was a split decision. The one thing they both said was that it was important to find a nanny who reflected, as closely as possible, your parenting style. The problem is that I am still defining my parenting style. Both of the people I talked with had an older child then became pregnant with twins on their second attempt. After talking to them and mulling things over, I realized that they already had their parenting style established at the point they hired a nanny. I’m still working on mine. I’m not always sure what I want, but I know what I don’t want when I see it. It is much easier to find what you are looking for when you know what it is instead of what it is not. This one is going to take some time. My cousin equated it to dating. With each person you date, you find out more about yourself and what you do/do not want in a spouse. This is a scary one because obviously, I never found exactly what I wanted in a spouse. Maybe, I won’t find what I am looking for in a nanny, exactly, in a nanny either. However, it may take a few “dates”. I’m not ready to make a change yet. When I bought my house, I had a typed up list of my “must haves”, my “no ways”, and my “nice to haves”. I knew exactly what I was looking for and recognized it when I saw it. I need to spend more time thinking about this and to do the same thing for a nanny. Once I do this, I can put Niomi against my criteria to see how she matches up. I need to do more homework here. Until then, I can’t and shouldn’t make a change.

With all of this, as I have mentioned, I am not happy about changes that are going on at work or having to go back to work.

I guess it is no wonder I have been feeling so emotional and out of sorts. There has been a lot going on. There is a lot of change right now in my life.

Some people say/believe that everything happens for a reason. My friend C and I were talking the other day about my “golden” nanny, the one who flaked on me a few Mondays ago, the one I would have hired off the bat if money weren’t an issue. If she hadn’t of flaked, I would have fired Niomi and hired her in a hot minute. We both laughed, knowing that I would have even though she really is more expensive than I can comfortably afford. Just think, then I would have missed out on all of this personal growth and self awareness.

What I need to do is take what attracted me to “golden” nanny and identify that, put that into a list along with what I have learned bugs me about Niomi and see what I come up with.

In a discussion a few weeks ago on a unrelated topic, sort of, about paying nanny’s under or above the table, someone pointed that there are basically two types of people -- rule followers and rule breakers. As much as I would like it to be differently, I am inherently a rule follower. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. If you apply this to parenting, it can be very difficult. One person says things should be done this way. Another book says it should be done that way. I need to realize and recognize, as a rule follower, as much as I would like my list of “rules” that tell me the way to be the best parent each person has their own set of rules. I need to set and establish mine and what will work for Max and I. This is going to take time. I need to stop feeling bad and trying to measure myself against anyone else because my kid isn’t on a schedule or is on a schedule or I give him the boob too much or I let him cry too much or I don’t let him cry enough. I need to stop feeling bad and start recognizing that everyone is different and need to find what they can live with. I need to find out what I can and can’t live with. Again, this is going to take time and it may change over time. Cognitive parenting. I think I can live with establishing and changing my philosophy as Max and I both grow and learn together. I can have him in a S.E.A.E.S routine (Sleep, Eat, Activity, Eat, Sleep) instead of a E.A.S.Y. routine (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You) if I want. Yes, maybe I am pacifying him. Yes, maybe I am projecting my feelings onto Max because I don’t like to go to sleep hungry and I don’t think he would either. I can do it. It is my prerogative, because I am the mom.

I’m not sure if what I have said even makes sense and I am not going to re-read it now to check. However, it has been therapeutic to identify the issues and to get this out. I still have a lot of work to do, but I feel like I have made great strides. I know now why I was feeling so badly. I have actionable steps to take to fix some of it. Others, it is enough for me to just be aware of. Who knew that having a kid could invoke such personal growth?

Now, I am off to lunch with a girlfriend I thought I would see and spend much more time with while I was out on leave and haven’t.

Ugh! Tomorrow, I go back to work.