very sad over here

God, I hope I am wrong.

Not that I want to be the patient that cried m/c like the kid who cried wolf, but I am very, very sad here. The spotting has stopped at least for now and the cramping is almost gone. I have to really think about it and concentrate to tell that the cramps are there. However, as I lay awake early this morning evaluating the situation, I realized my extreme tiredness and food aversions have been minimizing. At first, I thought it was my imagination, but the realist in me doesn’t think so. I seriously thought about not emailing my dr. and just showing up on Thursday to see what we will see or not see. But, I can’t do it. I have to know what the next step is if we don’t see the heartbeat. I’m sure that I am learning the wrong lesson here, but just when I got to the point where I was really starting to believe this could work, I am sure that it hasn’t. Silly, stupid me.

I can’t even say that I am panicked or worried. I am just very sad. I don’t know why my body just keeps killing off these babies. I was so hoping it really was the fibroids. All the immunity testing is normal. I guess that just leaves bad eggs and/or bad luck. I don’t want to just get pregnant here. I want to stay pregnant and actually have a baby to take home. Why is this so hard?

I am so sure most of the time that I was meant to be a mom, but at times like these, I have to wonder if this is God’s way of telling me that it isn’t meant to be. That I am meant to live and die alone. I just can’t believe that. I just can’t. At least not yet.

God, I hope I am wrong. I have never wanted to be more wrong about anything in my life than I am about this. God, I really hope I haven’t killed off another baby.