Reminding myself

I feel like crap. Stuffy nose, can't breath, blah, blah, blah. So tired I've just been wanting to curl up in bed all day, but alas work and chores and things to be done. And, a certain 3 year old is still not asleep an hour after bedtime. A few minutes ago he came out to tell me his toe hurt, then he had to go to the bathroom, then he needed to tell me he loved me, now he needs water...cold water. Anyway, just reminding myself that it really is all worth it and part of the package.


I've been waiting for this one to come home from school. Max made it for mothers day. It is a picture of me and says "I love my mom because she's beautiful. She gives me hugs and kisses."
Max making baby food, just like his momma. He got a bunch of kumquats at this party we went to and he had to bring a bunch home for his babies.
And, I know I'm biased and all, but I just can't help myself, as they are just so beautiful. I just look at them and am stunned that such beauty exists in my children.

Short lived

My little burst of enrgy and happiness last night was short lived. Woke up this morning sick. N is now also sick. I was sure hoping that the rest of us would just pass on this bug R had and it was looking that way...until today. I figured too good to be true with the lack of sleep and all the slobber and such that goes on around here.

TMI

Under the too much information category, I'm happy to report that I still have not had a menstral cycle since I've had the twins. I had that one way back in the beginning when either both twins were still in the hospital or R was home an N was still there and remember being really pissed off about it, but since then...nada. I feel hormone shifts every now and again, but so far...my old decreped non functioning ovaries have been resting. Almost makes all this pumping worth it. Not sure how long I'm going to go but at least the year mark. Probably until the ped tells me that they can move to whole milk. Since they are on solids now, unless they need a topper off before bed or wake at night, they are solely on breast milk at this point. Maybe the big can of formula we just openned from Costco will be the last I need to purchase. One can only hope. Less than 3 weeks until the year mark. My oh my.

Good for the soul

I spent about 45 - 60 minutes gardening tonight after I put the kids to bed and it was wonderful. Granted, Max came out and joined me instead of falling asleep and helped and talked to me and chattered and chattered and I didn't want to stop so I let him get away with it and it was wonderful in spite of not being kid free. I love flowers and I love plants and I love digging in the dirt and I had flowers left over from the planing project in Max's school last week that I really needed to get in the ground before they died and I'm so happy that I did it tonight. I only worked in my front flower bed and planted a few live plants in the pots near my front door that I usually put fakes in during the summer months because it gets so hot they need to be watered every day and usually I can't commit to daily watering. I've got the bug now and want to do more. I have a sitter for Sunday afternoon/evening and was thinking I'd call some friends to see if they wanted to do a movie or dinner because I vowed after last weekend that I need to carve out some me time, but think I'll go buy flowers and plants instead. I feel joy and energy I haven't felt in awhile tonight. It's 8 pm and I'm not exhausted and crabby and dead to the world and I didn't really get any more sleep than usual last night. I'm plotting what flower bed I want to focus on next. It's going to be a win/win as I'm going to be doing a fair amount of entertaining this summer with a party for the twins in June, a party for Max in August and hosting at least one if not two SMC gatherings. Amazing how sometihng so small can be so good for the soul and the psyche.

Better Odds

Last night my mom came to dinner and Noemi was still here until 5:30 pm and bedtime went much better. One person to give Max a bath while N played on the bathroom floor. One person to give R another breathing treatment. And, one person (not me!) to clean up the kitchen/dinner dishes and floor post dinner mess. I actually got to sit for about 15 minutes and play with babies between dinner and bath (where I also straighten and organized toys at the same time because I can't help myself...the nanny thinks clean is throwing all toys in one huge mess into the toy baskets...I think clean is putting all the shapes in the shape box, the fish back in the fish bowl, the books back on the table..so the kids learn they are supposed to go together and have fun taking them out and pulling them to the floor at the next opportunity). It was much better odds and much nicer all around.

Whine, Whine, Whine

This weekend was long. In fact, other than seeing friends I haven't seen in too long, it sucked. I wish I enjoyed my time with the kids more, but honestly, I didn't. The lack of sleep is killing me. It wouldn't be so bad, but when I get woken around 2:30 - 3:30 am I don't get any more sleep. Sometimes, I get unrestful dozing and that's about it. I yelled too much. R was sick and whinny. Max had act out behaviors in part because I was tired and crabby and in part because I had friends over (one on Sunday and another on Monday) and so he had less of my attention which didn't thrill him. The slog of it can just be a bit much. With R sick and adding in breathing treatments, there is just not a minute to even sit and play and baby hold. While this is a cute stage for the babies, I feel like I don't get to enjoy much of it because there is stuff that has to get done. Just covering the basics eats into every spare minute. And, so here I sit glad that R and Max are still sleeping while N watches TV while I pump and talk to her on and off glad the weekend is over, feeling tired and crabby and the day hasn't even begun, but most of all feeling like a failure of a mother for not enjoying it more. I love my kids. I wouldn't trade it back for my single and fansy free days. But, I just wish I had more quality time and could sit and enjoy more. I guess you could say the pumping, making baby food, cooking dinner are labers of love, but it sure would be nice if the majic house cleaning fairy would stop in and do the dishes, the high chairs, and the floor (not to mention fix baby jail, rehang the curtains that have been pulled off the windows, and clean up ever other disaster or mess that appears every two seconds). Blah, whine, whine, whine. I hope everyone else had a nice enjoyable happy weekend. Here, it was all just a bit too much.

Tinkerbell

Last week, I stopped and got taco's before picking Max up from school...or rather on the way home from a Costco run before picking him up from school. We don't eat much fast food and probably have had taco's less than 5 times. Max asked me if they were from Tinkerbell. Oh, yes, I did have to smile. When he is not being completely obnoxious and calling people butthead and poopy diaper and other such lovely names, he is actually quite pleasant and funny and a pleasure to be around. Since I can't be on him all the time and he gets such pleasure from using such language and thinks he is the funniest thing alive, I have drawn the line that he can't call "me" names and have been consistently enforcing it. We've gone to battle a few times over it, but I think it might be sinking in. I still need to read Siblings without Rivery but have decided to ignore any names he calls the twins right now because they don't understand him and he laughs when he does it and they laugh back eating up his attention so until they can complain, he can call them whatever he wants (within reason) as long as he is respectful to me. Anyway, we had Tinkerbell the other day. It was yummy.

Sleep Training

It's funny how kids can be so different. I'd marvel at those who were able to do CIO after Max was born and as he grew. No way would that work for him. He just gets more and more and more upset until he can almost make himself sick. N is that way as well. She is actually my best sleeper and best self soother, but every now and again she can get herself riled up till no tomorrow. The other day she started crying about midway through my last pump of the day and, because I was tired and really didn't want to unhook and rehook, I just let her cry for about 10 minutes. Boy she got herself wound up. As an aside, I can't wait until she can sit herself up and gets moving a bit more because almost always it is a gas bubble stuck for her that she can't get out. Anyway, R is really the opposite of Max and N. he almost always needs to cry or moan or fuss a bit before falling asleep. If you go in, he will pop right up and be all happy and like...let's party, yeah!...and then will have to settle back down and then will again need to cry or moan or fuss a bit. I'm not sure it is really a CIO scenario in the truest sense, but you need to let him cry where as with Max and N trying that just leads to disaster. Just interesting observations.

In other sleep realated news, I'd love to move N and R to a once a day nap. I've done it a few times on the weekends for various reasons, but not regularily. Sadly, I don't think they are quite ready. But hopefully soon.

Often, I see parents walking around with a sleeping child in their arms. The other day a mom took a sleeping toddler out of her car seat and walked her older child into Preschool all while the toddler still slept. I see babies sleeping in strollers and out and about. These are not my children. I often wonder if it is a genetic type thing or if they just get regular and enough sleep during home naps and the night that they aren't tired enough. I just can't push it enough most of the time to see cause I think it would be too much of a disaster. These early years pass so quickly and I can just wait to do that out and about until they are older and don't need naps and hopefully avoid poor behavior as a result.

Anyway, the whole sleep issue is one that I have found most intersting as a parent and that often tends to be so contreversial amount parents and parenting styles. I keep meaning to pick back up Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and rescim some of it. I've promised myself I'll do that to brush up before trying to mess with the 2 a day to 1 a day naps.

Good News/Bad News - Edited

The good news is that we (are not yet at least) spending the weekend in the hospital. The bad news is that Ray is sick with respiratory infection/croup and was having stridor (difficulty breathing) so we will be spending the weekend doing breathing treatments, oral steroids, and hopes it stays in control. And, we were on such a healthy streak.

Of course, I had to cancel the appointment with the plumber to dash off to the peds so still don't have a working kitchen sink. But that is a whole other story...a saga really.

R is still sleeping, but was up at 4 coughing a little, but sounding so much better. So, if we stay on top of the breathing treatments, (not to jinx myself) I think we will avoid the hospital this time. Glad we caught it early and I was able to get in yesterday. And, Max's day was made yesterday because the plumber was able to come and let him be the assistant. Ah, the simple joys in life. Sink is currently working and not leaking...for now. Not holding my breath it stays that way.

Life is funny like that

One of the things I've been worrying a bit about is a Father's day celebration they are having next Friday at Max's preschool. I hadn't thought too much about it until they had the mothers day one last month and every single mom was there. I was worried that Max would feel left out and we are already dealing quite a bit with the daddy issue these days. I talked to the teachers a bit about it so they could be aware and I was glad I had because when they started a project (painting a rock) Max didn't want to participate because he didn't have a daddy, but they were able to offer up that all families were different and maybe he could make it for someone else. So, he made it for his Uncle Jim, who is also his God father. The teachers also put up a sign up to see how many of the dad's were going to make it. About 3/4's have signed up so far with a week to go. I had blocked my work schedule and had thought to take Max out for a special lunch with mom. I asked Max about it recently and he gave me this look like "are you crazy" and told me, no, he wanted to stay at school and play with all those dad's and it was fine he didn't have one he could just play with someone else dad. A good reminder to not project my own issues onto him and I was so glad I asked.

Another thing I have been a bit worried about and has kept me from much needed sleep is the work situation. There have been lots of changes and lots of layoffs and more are on the way. I've been thinking about how to play the situation, if it would matter one way or another, and what is important to me right now in a work situation. My cousin and her husband are going to be moving within about 3 hours (or less depending on traffic) and whether I wanted to try to move closer to where they are. I'm glad I had done the mental leg work. I found out today that my current position was going to be eliminated. The organization I have been supporting only since November when I came back from maternity leave was given two hours to decide whether they wanted me and how they can make it work. They did and offered up another name to "save me". It is a lot less responsibility and scope than what I have had in the last 7 - 10 years and I"m sure I'll be over paid for the position, but I'm actually really looking forward to the change and while many may look at it as a step down, I actually look at it as a good career move for the long run and perfect for now. It gives me a few more years before needing to make a big change which will get the twins to preschool, let's me still work at home, and saves my current pay. I had decided that if part of the deal was less money, I was not going to take it and that it was a sign to move on. As long as it was work in my area of expertise and passion, I'd be interested. Like I said, I was glad I had done the leg work so I knew what I would be okay with or not.

I was back in Max's classroom today for a planting project. It was a big mess, but I think everyone had a great time. They each made a pot of flowers to take home and picked another for the school to hang outside. One of the teachers was helping me carry stuff back out and thanked me for it and for all the projects this year and said that she had already told the other teachers who may get Max next year about how lucky they would be.

At about midnight last night, I took some tylenol PM to see if it could help shut off my mind so I could get some sleep. I haven't used that since well before the twins were born because I was afraid it would affect my milk supply. It didn't and I got about 4 hours which was more than I would have otherwise. I"m not sure if it's good or not to know that.

Anyway, just a snipped from half a day of my life. It is like a sprint every morning to the end. I'm looking forward to the long weekend even if it is a different kind of work.

Just pondering how funny life can be and happy things are working out the way they are.

An interesting read

Saw this link on a fellow bloggers page and found it very interesting. It validated a lot of what I have heard and how I feel about the matter.

Donor conceived children speak about their feelings

http://www.dcnetwork.org/

Click on the pdf file in the left hand column

Video Rama

Worry, Worry, Worry

I'm having trouble keeping the worry bugs at bay this morning. Up to feed R and now can't go back to much needed sleep. Worry about that there is too much to do an not enough time to do it. Worry about work on several fronts. It is busy now and no extra time to get done "non-work" stuff and often I'm working a bit after the kids are in bed. Worry about finances and how I'm going to pay for all this stuff that needs to get paid for when I don't have the cash at hand right now. Worry about the friends I don't have the time or energy to reach out to let alone call or email back. Normally, I can compartmentalize, but that's not working this early morning. As I told someone at work yesterday, I feel like a hamster on a wheel that gets on early each morning and just runs to the end of each day and gets off and collapses asleep until woken and then starts the whole thing all over again. It's all about kids and work right now and that's the way it needs to be, but there is a whole lot of other things piling up on the to do list that is getting so big that it is scary and it is all important stuff not getting done. Good thing I love this mom gig so much and do like the actual work that I'm doing right now or life might be miserable instead of just intense, focused, and busy, busy, busy. Worry, worry, go away, don't even come back another day...you are not useful, nor the added stress you bring.