The dream

I woke up after 3 solid hours of sleep to pee with so many thoughts running through my head, I knew it would be awhile before I fell back asleep I thought I would get up and post a blog I have been thinking about. I have a vague notion that I have posted something similar in the past on this topic or it could just be that I have been thinking about this for awhile, but I am to lazy to go back and look and plus it is on my mind now so it will be worth repeating.

The topic is the dream of being pregnant vs. the reality of being pregnant.

I guess it is safe to say that I have been a bit insecure in my pregnancy and I feel like I have not enjoyed it as much as I could have and expected to. I wanted to go the ttc route instead of adoption or another route because I really wanted to experience what I thought of as the beauty and miracle of the process. If I had tried and failed, I think I really would have been okay with moving to other paths to motherhood. Yet, I knew that I wanted to try pregnancy as my first path. How truly awesome and miraculous is it that in nine months you can grow a baby? When I think about it, I really get an overwhelming sense of pride and wonder. I have also found this to be a double edged sword. It is such a complicated process, this pregnancy one. So much needs to happen in such a short time. So much can go wrong and cause it to end. AT ANY MOMENT. FOR ANY REASON. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing that it can ever have a good outcome, ever.

This whole ttc process and its ugly step sister infertility, in my opinion, is its own sub-culture. There is a price of entry and you can’t get to the other side without being changed as a person for the good and, in some cases, for the bad. The longer you go through it, the more changed and in some cases, scared you are. Clearly, having a miscarriage this summer changed and scared me. Sometimes, I am surprised at by how much and that it still has so much power over me. Sometimes, I wonder if I had seen a professional counselor afterwards if the scars would be so deep and so raw and so much a part of me. Not only did I loose a child (or the makings of one) when I m/c, I lost my innocence in a way. I lost the ability to take a good outcome for granted. I gained fear and worry. I wanted to be able to enjoy the miracle much more than I have. I wanted to be able to have that confidence that everything will be fine. I want to be able to have that secret smile and joy and glow. I am not that person any more. I can not take it for granted. I can not help, but worry.

The subject of baby showers has come up more and more frequently lately. The subject of setting up the nursery and getting the house ready as well is not far behind. Both topics came up several times at yesterdays SMC meeting. EVERYONE needs and wants a shower is the common thinking. I MUST set up the nursery soon before it gets too late I have been told. Just thinking about both gives me a lot of stress and anxiety. It literally gives me a knot in my stomach just thinking about them. I am scared not only by my ttc experiences, but those of my ttc sisters IRL and virtually. What should be two very important positive rituals can make me feel physically ill if I think about them too long. This pregnancy is a precious gift. It is fragile. It can be taken away or broken AT ANY TIME. I have come to realize that it is not a coincidence that I have not yet bought one item for the baby or one article of maternity wear. I have come to realize that there is a deep seeded fear that as soon as I begin to hope and prepare that I will be jinxed and my precious fragile gift will be taken away from me. I will buy some maternity clothes soon. I will endure a shower if I have to/it is forced onto me. I really have no intention of setting up the nursery any time soon. I have no problem if this doesn’t occur until after the baby is born or maybe at the very end when my cousin is here. I will clear things out and sort through, but I don’t think I can go much beyond that. Most people do not understand and are completely unable to comprehend my fears around this. I didn’t have to explain it at all to my friend Heather who sat with an empty nursery for over two years when her first daughter died in child birth and her second daughter died in the NICU after being born at 26.5w and living for 11 days.

If you have made it this far, I congratulate you, thank you. I am finally about to get to the point of this whole post. I think I am at the turning point. I have read and been told that typically after a m/c, you are irrationally worried until you get past the point of your loss. For me, that time has come and gone long ago. I was asked several times at the SMC meeting how I was doing and if I was getting more comfortable with the pregnancy. I realized that slowly, but surely, I am. I told a lady that I see hiking quite a bit in the mornings. I am ready to tell more people at work. I am ready to tell people I am pregnant, just because, not because there was some need to know. I am ready to not let this be such a secret anymore. It has taken me 20W to get here, but I think I am letting go of some of the fear and making room for some excitement and awe. I am ready to do some minor things to admit to the world that I am expecting. And, I am now expecting it to work out more than I am expecting it to not.

For me, the turning point/the catalyst is feeling the baby move. I can’t feel it all the time. Usually, only in the evenings when I am resting quietly so far, but it is what I needed to give me back some of my dream. I am so happy that I am to this point. It can still go wrong at any time, but I am starting to be able to let the fear go and replace it more typical, more positive pregnancy emotions.

Note: Maybe it will happen, but no matter how comfortable I get, I still don’t think I want a baby shower or will do the nursery up any time soon. Maybe I will cave to satisfy others, but neither are things that I need for me.