I thought I wanted it!

Yes, today is Wednesday. This means….you guessed it…dinner with mom night. I thought I wanted crab cakes, until I had the first bite. What a waste! Oh well, the salad and French Fries filled me up. Last night I totally felt like ice cream and/or a chocolate bar. I had a rare moment of regret at not having a (very supportive, loving, kind) partner or husband I could send out to fetch it for me. As I was much too tired and/or lazy, I made due with some chocolate milk and a warm bath before bed. It’s gone now. Probably, I would have gotten it and not wanted it after all.

2nd L&D Visit Last Night

All is well, but I did have my second visit to Labor and Delivery yesterday. When I was at my OB appointment on Friday, Dr. P asked me if I had any more “cramping” incidents. I indicated that I had, but they had gone away with Tylenol and a warm heating pad. She told me that if it happened again, I needed to call in. When I groaned and asked ANYTIME or just if it didn't go away with Tyleol, she agreed that I would only call in if Tylenol and/or a warm heating pad didn’t help.

Yesterday, when I woke up from a nice 2 hour nap, I realized that I was cramping again. I decided to stay in bed and read/rest for awhile. It didn’t go away. I finally got up and took some Tylenol about 2 pm and that didn’t make it disappear. I took some more around 5 pm and that didn’t make them disappear. So, around 6:30 pm I called the Dr. on call and explained. He had me come it for monitoring.

Just like last time, no contractions showed up and my cervix was long and closed (as it is supposed to be). They don’t really know what is causing it. It could be bladder related and they took a urine sample. I don’t think this is it. I have HAD many bladder infections and it doesn’t feel like this. It could be scar tissue from my myomectomy stretching. I don’t think it is this either. Personally, I think it is muscle related. Although, I don’t really know what is causing it.

I really didn’t think it was a problem so it was a lot less stressful the second time through the process. Plus, I finally used the fetal heart monitor before I called the Dr. and easily found a nice strong heartbeat so I knew the kid was still alive. And, a friend was able to go with me to keep me from feeling too guilty for being there even though my Dr. has specifically told me to call in this situation.

The worst part of the whole thing was when the Dr. did the cervix check. I don’t know if he just had short fat fingers or what, but it was a tad uncomfortable and he really rammed his fingers up there. I am still a bit sore today. It would be one thing if it was from a nice satisfying sexual encounter or something. Oh well! Good thing I am not really a modest or shy person and have no problem with complete strangers feeling around inside me or looking at my naked self.

The cramping when away sometime between 4 and 6 am this morning. Yes, it is better to be safe than sorry, but I hate bothering folks when it really isn’t a problem and nothing is wrong, even if it IS there job. I really need to find out why the constant cramping is more worrisome. Hmm. Maybe one day soon when I am less tired.

As a side note, my little one was having a little dance party in my tummy as I was typing this. It is very nice to have such direct feedback that she is alive so frequently.

On maternity clothes, baby clothes, and good friends

Yesterday was a historic day, not only did I get a Live Baby Check (more commonly known as a monthly OB appointment) and find out the gender of my little one…I actually bought some maternity clothes and an outfit for my little girl that she won’t be able to wear until Summer of 2006. (Now, isn’t that quite optimistic of me? Can you tell I am feeling proud of myself?)

The maternity clothes situation was/is getting desperate. There are so few clothes that I can still fit into with any kind of comfort. My mom pulled through and bought a bunch of pants and tops for me, but they must all go back. I could only fully get into one of the pants and I had no room for growth in them. I didn’t even try on most of the tops because they were so ugly I knew that I wouldn’t wear them even if they did fit. Anyway, I managed to get a pair of pants that were very comfortable and in sweat like material. I can’t say they are very stylish, but they were so comfy (with the added bonus that I actually look, in my own mind, pregnant and not just fat in them); I bought 2 in different colors. Then, I got some cheap, cheesy plus size short that are nothing special but they will do.

The funny thing about the maternity section in every store is that it is RIGHT next to the baby section. Talk about strategic planning. Anyway, my friend Cindy was out and about with me and got me motivated. She bought a cute little top/one-zy (how is that actually spelled anyway?) for my little one because she was afraid my poor child would not have anything “new” to wear (LOL) since I had told her I didn’t plan on buying any baby/new born clothes since my friend Rosa is sending her non-gender specific clothes her son (born last August) can’t use anymore, my friend Heather has saved stuff for me, and my sister is sending stuff along. While I was trying on and rejecting about every maternity outfit I put on (and disgusting my shopping buddy), Cindy found this really cute little green and pink 12 mo. summer dress with the matching bottoms on sale for 50% off. Hey, for $7.50, even if she only gets to wear it once or twice it won’t be much of a waste.

So, thanks to friends like Cindy who get you past your barriers and phobia’s! Maybe buying more will be less difficult now.

It's a Girl!!

My doctor's appointment today went well. I gained 6 lbs since last month. Blood pressure was better than last month...118/80...I think. And, Dr. P was kind enough to do a quicky u/s and its a girl! Wow! My "it" is now a "she.

The kid is already keeping me from sleep

The last few days have been incredibly busy. Work has been one long string of meetings with no time to check my work email, let alone catch up on my personal email, keep up on blogs, and/or buddy groups.

On my way back from hiking the dogs this morning, I stopped and got some groceries. If I didn’t have to rush to a meeting you would have gotten a blog post about paper vs. plastic bags and how packers don’t understand the concept of not making a grocery bag too heavy. It was all composed in my head as I brought the groceries in and put them away.

Anyway, I had to have celery and peanut butter. It was worth the stop. First time I went out of my way to satisfy a “craving”. I actually started having a taste for celery and peanut butter on Tuesday night and thought about going and begging some celery off one of my neighbors because I was too tired to go to the store, but decided to save my favors/requests in case I need something bigger. The quick stop turned into a full on stock up as I realized that I haven’t been in awhile and needed quite a few things. By the time I got home and got the groceries put away I had 10 min. until my first meeting. I had to decide between a shower or breakfast. Breakfast won. I was in back to back to back meetings all day with only a half hour break where I had to quickly shower, make a few phone calls, and grab lunch (celery and pb) to eat in my next meeting. The afternoon was much like the morning. Back to back to back meetings until it was time to leave for dinner with my mom and sister. I was so tired I wanted to beg off, but didn’t. Got home, walked the dogs, gave them their evening treat, and took a warm bath because I was feeling a bit crampy and my lower back was very tight. Climbed into bed all ready to read (current book of choice is The Time Travelers Wife) when my Lucky Lucky climbed on the bed in her corner, put her head over by me and gave a pathetic plea for attention. I called her closer and we cuddled for awhile. I tried to do this and read, but as soon as I picked up my book she started licking my hand telling me…more…more…more. Apparently, she needed a bit of focused attention. I almost drifted off to sleep when I felt the common urge to pee, thus ending Lucky bonding time as I got up and took care of business and Lucky decided she had enough love for the moment. Got back in bed and settled when my little kid decided to start kicking up a storm. It is still so cool and novel to me and I am not quite sure how one sleeps through that, but maybe I will become more blasé in time.

I am quite relieved to know the kid is still alive. I was just thinking while in the bath that the last time I remember feeling movement was on Sunday afternoon while out watching a movie with some friends and that I am glad that my next OB appointment is on Friday so I could have another “Live Baby Check”. However, my little kids is trying to get back into my good graces my letting me know he/she is alive instead of making me wait and try not to worry until Friday. What a good kid even if he/she is disrupting my sleep a bit!

Trash Day; Maternity Clothes; Chicken; Lucky; and Waking up angry

Trash Day
In case I have never mentioned it. I really hate trash day. It is not that it is actually really hard or time consuming taking the cans (that have wheels on them) from the side yard to the street, but I just don’t like doing it. It is one of the only things that makes me wish that I am married so that I can pawn off the task. Then, I need to remind myself that it even if I was married, I would probably still have to deal with the trash. My sweet hubby would probably want to wait until Tuesday morning to take out the trash, which would drive me crazy, so I would have to do it Monday night and be even more annoyed. See, I am perfectly capable of getting into an argument with a husband I don’t even have. How’s that for funny?

Maternity Clothes
The situation is getting desperate. I didn’t do laundry this weekend and it was a cool dreary day. I ended up wearing these pants that I couldn’t even fasten and tried the old rubberband trick. It didn’t work and I just spent the day with my pants unbuttoned. A very attractive look. Good thing I work from home full time. My mom has bought me a few things - 3 pair of pants and 2 tops. They all actually sound very ugly and unattractive. I reminded her that I only wanted one pair of pants and 3 shorts according to "the list". She agreed that the pickings were slim and said we could “cut off” the pants and make them into shorts if I liked them. I will see them on Wednesday when she comes for dinner. Of course, I can’t complain too much. Like I found anything for myself more attractive? NOT.

Chicken
I was able to eat chicken for the first time since I was pregnant tonight. When I went out to walk the dogs, my neighbor was out and some really great smells were coming from her kitchen. I commented on this and asked what was for dinner because it smelled great. When I got back from my walk, she had Rick bring over a plate. MMMMM. It was really good.

Lucky
Lucky seems to be doing great with her treatment. She has had 4 (weekly) treatments so far and has rotated through all of the drugs. The worst she has had was loose stool a few times which could have been caused by eating grass, cat poop (which is a recent taste of hers, although her sister Shadow has been fond of it for years, and something I can’t think about too much because it makes me want to gag and puke), or some other random thing. The people at the clinic seem very nice and Lucky doesn’t really get freaked out going anymore. Yes, she tries to head for the door instead of the back each time (I think that is a matter of principle). However, after the treatment when the tech brings her back. She comes to get love from me and say hi, and then goes back to him to be petted while he gives me an update and instructions for the week. She wouldn't do that if she didn't like him/the place. I am currently torturing her just a bit by getting on the computer instead of giving her the left over chicken morsels I didn’t eat. She thought it smelled great too and was begging while I was eating. Can’t reward that behavior so had to break up the events and make her wait a bit. Sick or not, some behaviors just can't be tolerated. Updated to add, she put her paws up the counter trying to get to the chicken while I was typing this so she is currently trapped by my feet under the desk until I get done. I think she misses me making Chicken!! And/or the steroids she has been on for weeks is making her do it. LOL.

Waking up angry
I had this very odd and totally unrealistic dream on Friday night. I was up in the mountains with the dogs by myself in early August and got to talking with this guy who was a sperm donor (not mine). I ended up going into labor and he said he would take me down the hill and drop me off at the hospital and then take the dogs home. He mentioned that he had never been to a birth before so I invited him to come and be a part of mine. Turns out he was a famous actor and one of the nurses called her friend who called a friend and so on. This one lunatic fan had the nerve to sneak into my labor room to “talk” to him and get his autograph. I went off on her and told her this was about me and me having my baby and to get the hell out. I had them call security and then had her arrested. Then, the hospital administrator came and tried to tell “Tim” that it would probably be better that he left because he wasn’t the father and him being there was causing all kinds of problems. I just lost it on the guy. I got so angry, I woke up. I mean it was only a dream, but physically, it could have been real I was so worked up. It took me hours to get back to sleep. The good news is that I can actually picture/visualize going to term and having a successful outcome. And, my RE came to see how things were going. He and my OB happened to be out to dinner and instead of just dropping her off he came in to say hi. Hey, it’s my dream. I can have whatever fantasies in it I want. Anyway, I don't think I have ever woken up so angry from a dream before. Funny!

The cat’s out and other misc. topics

On Work
I have now officially told folks that I am expecting. It isn’t a secret anymore.

My direct boss (the one that has my salary and administration) has known from the get go (or almost) about this pregnancy. In fact, she knew about my ttc efforts as they went along. The week I started reporting to her, I was out of the office 4 out of the 5 days for and IUI cycle/monitoring. She and her admin. thought I had some terminal illness or something and I could tell they were worried about me so I disclosed and she (I’ll refer to her as SG) has been nothing but supportive.

I report directly through one chain of the organization and dotted line through another chain, due to the nature of my role. This means that I have multiple bosses so to speak. I told the other one that I get the majority of my day to day direction from today (I will refer to him as TS) and told him that he didn’t have to keep it a secret. Then, I had to go tell SG that it wasn’t a secret any more in case it came up.

TS was very excited for me and seemed very supportive. He made some comment about how he thought that he had gotten used to me and he didn’t think I could surprise him anymore, but that I did with this one. Of course, it wasn’t his reaction that I was worried about, but his boss who I will refer to as LF. I set up this program to facilitate training for project managers in our organization. The response was so good that we ended up creating 13 monthly sessions and I wanted to have 2 facilitators per session (which means that I needed 26 facilitators). LF agreed to facilitate one of these sessions. Since she has a fairly senior role in the organization and some people are intimidated by that, I paired her with someone who I knew would not be, who I will refer to as MS. Now, MS was pregnant and I knew it, but I needed to get this program off the ground and I figured that I could find a replacement before MS when out. LF freaked out when she found out. She only needed to work with MS one hour, maybe two max per month and she was upset or at least seemed that way. I play a major role in LF’s organization and in our recent org. changes have much more responsibility than I even did in the past. We will see what her reaction will be. I’m hoping that TS tells her (and I think he will) so that I don’t have to.

Anyway, I had to tell them sometime and since the org. changes are final and I have half way through, it seemed as good as any. Plus, I need people thinking about backup’s for when I am out.

On Baby Showers
I was told in no uncertain terms yesterday by my older sister that I was having a baby shower in July regardless if I wanted one or not. This is just another example of how selfish and inconsiderate I am. People want to do this for me and I am going to let them. She will do all of the work and planning and will even register for me if she has to (sounds good, but we will see), but I am having one. I guess that is that. I just don’t have the energy to fight this anymore.

On SMC Support
At the SMC meeting on Saturday, I joined an interesting conversation in progress. It was between 2 SMC’s, who are already moms. They were discussing the importance of the SMC group and getting the kids together on a regular basis. I had always looked at the meetings as support for me. They were saying how they wanted their kids to grow up knowing and growing up with other SMC kids to normalize this for the kids. This way, when they got older and needed to talk or complain or whatever, they had a support system to do this with. There was a lot more to the conversation, but that was the gist of it or what I took away from it. I just thought that this was very profound and could see the importance, but it wasn’t something I had not really thought about yet. It is a take away that I think I will always remember and will make more of an effort if/when I do have a child because I can really see their point on this.

On Traveling
I was hoping to make it through my entire pregnancy without having to travel. I need to email my OB to get her okay, but it looks like I will be going to Texas for a few days sometime in May. As I mentioned, we have recently re-organized and my main boss, SG, is pulling together a 2 day face to face meeting with all of her direct reports so that we can bond as a new team. I know that I really need to go, but am a bit nervous about being away from home and my dr. for 4 days. I am trying not to let this overwhelm me. I will need to be in business dress of which I don’t fit into anymore. I don’t know how this will impact Lucky’s treatment and don’t want to really leave her while she is having to go through this. I wish I had all of the details so I could better know how to plan/prepare, but the exact dates are not yet set. It is making me tired and stressed out just thinking about it. And, I really, really need to go. This will likely not happen again and if it does, it will be at least a year. Deep breath. It will all be okay. I know it will. I just wish it were done and overwith.

Edited to add:
On Maternity Clothes
Despite the best of my intentions, I did not go out shopping for maternity clothes on Sunday. Instead, I finally got my taxes pulled together for the accountant and then laid around talking on the telephone until it was time to go to a piano recital for a friend. She only had lessons for 5 weeks and did a great job. Way better than most of the people who had been playing for years. Then, we went out to dinner. Anyway, I decided on what I think will be a win-win situation on getting maternity clothes. I will have my mom do it. 1) She likes to shop. 2) She does a great job finding bargains. 3) She knows my taste in clothes and does a good job shopping accordingly. 4) She said she can’t wait until I start wearing them. 5) I think it will make her happy to be apart of the pregnancy and help. 6) I will get the clothes and I won’t have to do it. I think this is a fine plan. Now, I just need to run it by mom tomorrow night at dinner.

The dream

I woke up after 3 solid hours of sleep to pee with so many thoughts running through my head, I knew it would be awhile before I fell back asleep I thought I would get up and post a blog I have been thinking about. I have a vague notion that I have posted something similar in the past on this topic or it could just be that I have been thinking about this for awhile, but I am to lazy to go back and look and plus it is on my mind now so it will be worth repeating.

The topic is the dream of being pregnant vs. the reality of being pregnant.

I guess it is safe to say that I have been a bit insecure in my pregnancy and I feel like I have not enjoyed it as much as I could have and expected to. I wanted to go the ttc route instead of adoption or another route because I really wanted to experience what I thought of as the beauty and miracle of the process. If I had tried and failed, I think I really would have been okay with moving to other paths to motherhood. Yet, I knew that I wanted to try pregnancy as my first path. How truly awesome and miraculous is it that in nine months you can grow a baby? When I think about it, I really get an overwhelming sense of pride and wonder. I have also found this to be a double edged sword. It is such a complicated process, this pregnancy one. So much needs to happen in such a short time. So much can go wrong and cause it to end. AT ANY MOMENT. FOR ANY REASON. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing that it can ever have a good outcome, ever.

This whole ttc process and its ugly step sister infertility, in my opinion, is its own sub-culture. There is a price of entry and you can’t get to the other side without being changed as a person for the good and, in some cases, for the bad. The longer you go through it, the more changed and in some cases, scared you are. Clearly, having a miscarriage this summer changed and scared me. Sometimes, I am surprised at by how much and that it still has so much power over me. Sometimes, I wonder if I had seen a professional counselor afterwards if the scars would be so deep and so raw and so much a part of me. Not only did I loose a child (or the makings of one) when I m/c, I lost my innocence in a way. I lost the ability to take a good outcome for granted. I gained fear and worry. I wanted to be able to enjoy the miracle much more than I have. I wanted to be able to have that confidence that everything will be fine. I want to be able to have that secret smile and joy and glow. I am not that person any more. I can not take it for granted. I can not help, but worry.

The subject of baby showers has come up more and more frequently lately. The subject of setting up the nursery and getting the house ready as well is not far behind. Both topics came up several times at yesterdays SMC meeting. EVERYONE needs and wants a shower is the common thinking. I MUST set up the nursery soon before it gets too late I have been told. Just thinking about both gives me a lot of stress and anxiety. It literally gives me a knot in my stomach just thinking about them. I am scared not only by my ttc experiences, but those of my ttc sisters IRL and virtually. What should be two very important positive rituals can make me feel physically ill if I think about them too long. This pregnancy is a precious gift. It is fragile. It can be taken away or broken AT ANY TIME. I have come to realize that it is not a coincidence that I have not yet bought one item for the baby or one article of maternity wear. I have come to realize that there is a deep seeded fear that as soon as I begin to hope and prepare that I will be jinxed and my precious fragile gift will be taken away from me. I will buy some maternity clothes soon. I will endure a shower if I have to/it is forced onto me. I really have no intention of setting up the nursery any time soon. I have no problem if this doesn’t occur until after the baby is born or maybe at the very end when my cousin is here. I will clear things out and sort through, but I don’t think I can go much beyond that. Most people do not understand and are completely unable to comprehend my fears around this. I didn’t have to explain it at all to my friend Heather who sat with an empty nursery for over two years when her first daughter died in child birth and her second daughter died in the NICU after being born at 26.5w and living for 11 days.

If you have made it this far, I congratulate you, thank you. I am finally about to get to the point of this whole post. I think I am at the turning point. I have read and been told that typically after a m/c, you are irrationally worried until you get past the point of your loss. For me, that time has come and gone long ago. I was asked several times at the SMC meeting how I was doing and if I was getting more comfortable with the pregnancy. I realized that slowly, but surely, I am. I told a lady that I see hiking quite a bit in the mornings. I am ready to tell more people at work. I am ready to tell people I am pregnant, just because, not because there was some need to know. I am ready to not let this be such a secret anymore. It has taken me 20W to get here, but I think I am letting go of some of the fear and making room for some excitement and awe. I am ready to do some minor things to admit to the world that I am expecting. And, I am now expecting it to work out more than I am expecting it to not.

For me, the turning point/the catalyst is feeling the baby move. I can’t feel it all the time. Usually, only in the evenings when I am resting quietly so far, but it is what I needed to give me back some of my dream. I am so happy that I am to this point. It can still go wrong at any time, but I am starting to be able to let the fear go and replace it more typical, more positive pregnancy emotions.

Note: Maybe it will happen, but no matter how comfortable I get, I still don’t think I want a baby shower or will do the nursery up any time soon. Maybe I will cave to satisfy others, but neither are things that I need for me.

Boy am I tired!

But, I had a great time getting that way. I hosted a local SMC meeting today and had a WONDERFUL time. I really enjoy having people over/entertaining. There was a very good turnout and I think everyone had fun. Cute little Gabriel was crying when it was time to leave because he didn't want to go. Hosting is a bit different than attending. I feel like I had lots of little conversations with everyone, but not any big, lengthy talks with anyone. Oh well, I can catch up on that at the next meeting.

I got some really good advice on painting my main room that I think I will heed about using just one color. I was thinking of using two. It is kind of hard NOT to talk about paint when you come to my house because a few walls have at least 6 different “tester” colors on them and all of them have at least one “tester” color. LOL. You have to see it to truly get the idea. I don’t even think a digital picture would truly capture the affect.

I was visibly showing. I really must buy some maternity clothes soon. Yes, I have been saying that for weeks, but I only have a few outfits left that I can comfortably wear. One of which is the baby doll dress that I wore today which just puts my belly “out there”. Some of the outfits, it is still a bit less noticeable.

My Brie Pasta was a big hit with no leftovers to send home with anyone. Everyone was surprised at how many toys and kid things I have. They have accumulated over the years as my sister and cousin have come and gone with their kids leaving things behind or buying them specifically for “Aunt Debbie’s”.

I have the dogs walked and everything picked up but the dishes, which I am saving for tomorrow. It is only 6:15, but I am thinking of taking a warm bath and climbing into bed to catch up on my TV watching. I think it may have been 3 weeks now since I have turned it on for anything more than a quick look at the news and weather.

Finally!

OMG, I am almost positive that I felt the baby move tonight. It was so cool. I was just sitting on the couch rationalizing that doing the floors in the morning would be much better than doing them tonight because 1) the dogs and I are likely to track in dirt after hiking in the morning and 2) I always have more energy in the morning. I was just sitting there cuddling with Lucky AND I’m pretty sure that I actually felt the kid. Very, very cool. I didn’t just feel it once, but several times over the next few minutes. Yeah! I was just reading a few hours ago an old email from my RE to respond to a progesterone question on the SMC-preg board and in it he said I should be able to feel the baby move between 15 – 20 weeks. I was thinking I would have to email him and give him a hard time sine I was 20w1 day and STILL feeling nothing, but decided to wait until 20w was completely over first.

When I was in L&D being monitored the other night and the nurse was checking the baby’s heartbeat, every few seconds it would get static’y. She said it was the baby moving around and asked if I could feel it. As I told her, “No, I wish”.

Maybe it was just my imagination, but I don’t think so. I am so happy about this!

My first L&D Visit

I had my first Labor and Delivery visit last night. I started feeling mild cramping on Tuesday after a trip to Costco. I bought 3 flats or water and after carrying them into the house I realized that they may have been a bit too heavy and that I probably should not have done it.

Mental note to self: Listen to what they say about not lifting/carrying things that are too heavy.

I hoped that I hadn’t really caused problems and took it fairly easy the rest of the day.

I think I aggravated the situation by the hike I did on Wednesday morning which is one of the shorter ones that I do, but has a steep downhill to begin with the same steep uphill to end.

Wednesday, work was really busy between meetings, phone calls, emails and it wasn’t until after I walked the dogs and laid down that I realized the cramping was still there and much worse than the day before. I started getting worried that I could have really caused myself some problems.

In the back of my mind was an update on one of the ladies who had gotten pregnant the cycle before mine with triplets that went into pre-term labor at 20w and lost all of her boys. My heart broke for her when I heard that news. And, here I am cramping at 20w.

Shoot, I don’t know what contractions feel like, how would I even know if I was in PTL. I was getting worried, but not sure I should be. I can say that it was not come and go like contractions, but a constant nagging tightening of the lower uterus. It was strong enough that I felt like crying there for a bit. I posted a note out to the SMC-Preg community asking what contractions felt like and if I should be worried. I also got on the phone with one of my friends who convinced me that I should at least call and talk to the dr. on call. So, I did. When I talked to him, he wanted me to come in and get monitored for contractions.

The monitoring showed no contractions; a good heartbeat for the baby; my blood pressure was a bit high; my cervix was long and closed. The on-call dr. said that it was likely pulled muscles or ligaments and to apply warm heat. The warm heat along with some Tylenol took the edge off. I was to follow up with my OB today.

I got home around 12:30 am, was up at 5 am, and working by 6. I’m getting a tad tired. My sister called while I was typing this up. I hoped by ignoring the call I could avoid a visit, but she left a message saying she was on her way home and thought she would “stop by anyway” to see how I was doing. Sigh. I really should be nicer because when she called on Tuesday I told her I over did it by moving the water and was just resting. She told me to call her when I needed things like that. She’s here. More later.

I would feel better if….

I was doing so well with that nice, positive attitude (for me :) over the last month. I was really beginning to think this could all work out. Was, being the operative word, of course. I really liked that weekly monitoring over the last 3 weeks. Nice, regular live baby checks. I have no more monitoring until April 22nd. Ugh. I am not sure I can last that long. I would feel a lot better if I could start feeling my uncooperative little tyke kicking or moving around a bit in there. I’ve tried laying down quietly a few times a day and concentrating to see if I slow down I can “feel” it. No such luck. Now, a short whine. [whine begin] Most of the other pregnant women I have read about or talked to have already felt their kids moving by now (19w5d, but whose counting?). Why can’t I feel mine? What is wrong? [whine over]

I am a bit behind on things this year. I just got the last of my Christmas/winter decorations down last weekend (really), but in my own defense, most of it (if you ignored the Christmas cards) was either winter or red/valentine ish, sort of. Anyway, back on point, one of the things I still haven’t done is send back that fetal heart monitor that I rented months ago and only used twice. I have seriously thought about pulling it out and doing a live baby check myself. However, I KNOW I will completely freak out (like my RE predicted) if I can’t get a heartbeat. So, I haven’t.

What I really want to do is lay down and take a nap. However, I must work. I must also get my taxes prepared. Soon. Very soon.

However, what I really, really want/need is to start feeling this little kid doing baby kick boxing or dancing or something.

Thursday’s Appointments – Inquiring minds want to know

I can’t believe it. Remember when I mentioned that I have found I am MUCH more forgetful now that I am pregnant. Case in point, I FORGOT to actually write this post. I mean, I composed it in my mind, but FORGOT to actually write it. So, so sad. Thanks to Katrina for the reminder. I would have remembered eventually, probably, but now you are getting it sooner rather than waiting for me to come to my senses.

Me First
My appointment was bright and early, but not so early that I didn’t get a nice windy hike in with the dogs. The actual u/s was quite uneventful. The dr. only looked at what he couldn’t see last time. The heart. Everything looked good and no soft signs for downs at all. I also got my Quad Screen results back. It measures AFP (Alfa Feta Protein) HCG, E2, and Inhibin B. It is like the Triple Screen, but including Inhibin B in the measurement is supposed to make the test more accurate. It came back NEGATIVE. Wahoo. My risk of a downs child was 1:98 based on age alone. It moved to 1:870 with the test and was equal to a woman 27.9 years old. My risk of open spine bofida is about 1:12000. The total risk for open neural tube defect is about 1:6000. Since the Quad Screen came back negative and Dr. D didn’t see any signs of downs during the u/s, I declined the amnio. The gender you ask? Good question and one we will all continue to wonder about. My little baby seems to be difficult from the get go (is this a sign of what is to come?) and once again was positioned in such a way so that we couldn’t tell. Yes, I even specifically asked and Dr. D went back to check and …nothing. As they say, it doesn’t matter if it is a boy or a girl, as long as its healthy. Yet, inquiring minds want to know. I will probably beg my OB for a quick u/s check at my next appointment (with an email warning/request in advance).

The only annoying thing about the whole appointment was that the nurse forgot to put in my video tape and record the session. Rather than apologizing she said, oh well, it was just the heart and that was that. I miss Dr. N. When the nurse forgot to do that for one of my u/s’s with him, he redid the whole thing for me so I could have it on tape. No such luck this time.

I have been thinking about names. I guess that means I am getting more confident that this might actually work. Current top picks are Audrey Elizabeth for a girl and Jacob (Jake) for a boy.

Lucky
Lucky’s appointment seemed to go well. I was told before each treatment they will check her white blood cell count and if it is too low, they will not do a treatment. They said hers was really good, the same as last week before treatment. They also said that her lymph nodes were no longer swollen. So, she got another injection treatment yesterday and they added 3 weeks of steroids to the regime; 7 days on a 1 ½ pills, 7 days on 1 pill, 7 days on ½ a pill. The pills are supposed to make her really hungry and thirty and have to pee a lot so I am supposed to give them in the morning. The injection is supposed to make her a bit lethargic. I think lethargic is winning out for now. She has been kind of knocked out all day. But, then again, so has Shadow and it is much warmer today than it has been so it could be that instead. Mostly, she has responded very well to the treatment so far and I would not know that she is sick if the vet didn’t tell me so. I am really happy about this. Doing this would be so much harder if she was looking or acting like she was in pain or suffering.

All in all. Things are going well here. A few more weeks and the baby will be viable. I can’t believe that I have entered my 5th month of pregnancy. This may actually have a good outcome. Yeah!