Sometimes, like this morning, I am shocked at how the twins preemie birth can affect me. One of Max's classmates had a brother this week and they were posting a sign when I did drop off this morning with a picture of him with his sisters with beaming smiles. While a little early, you could tell that he was good size, healthy and home. I almost couldn't look. Yes, I am happy for them. He was very wanted and will be very loved and he was needed to make their family complete like the twins were needed to make my family complete. This isn't about them, but about me.
It can make me sad when I hear people talk about the end of their pregnancy or giving a relatively normal uncomplicated birth that doesn't involve extra hospital time let along 3 months of hospital time. When it isn't making me sad, it makes me angry. Angry that I didn't get to experience those things myself like I wanted. Angry because I lost a summer to the hospital. Angry because of all the health issues that resulted. Angry because I was never able to properly establish even occasional breastfeeding directly from the tap for N. When I think too much about it, I feel jipped..robbed...a loss of a dream, a desire, the way it should have been.
Yes, I am grateful that I got "the dream" with Max, but I'm greedy and I wanted it again.
I rarely think about these things. There is too much to do and to appreciate and be grateful. But, every now and again, I can still go back there to that sad and angry place like this morning with a new born baby picture. Good thing I'm still so sure that I made the right decision to reduce or that the twins would not have made it at all and that the dream and desire that I occasionally get sad and angry about would be a much bigger one that I'm sure I would not be as good at dealing with because at least this way, I got the prize. Good thing I'm so sure that we needed that experience for some yet unknown reason...or maybe that's just a story I need to tell myself.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Stating the obvious
Life is usually a lot easier and less stressful when there is less to do.
Appointments for the twins has not been as plentiful over the last few months.
This means I am in the office more.
This means I have to work less "overtime" at night when the kids are in bed/sleeping.
Work is busy, but not crazy busy in great part because I am not off not working during working hours.
It has been nice.
I'm still busy. In fact, I have company and am getting more company. Company is nice. Makes things crowed and a bit, off, but over all nice.
I'm still behind on so many, many things. But, things are mostly routine.
Mostly, like we've also been on a healthy stretch for a week or two now and that has been nice. However, N seems to have a bit of a stomach upset. In that she spit up a bit last night. Vomited her breakfast and is refusing all food and drink. Do not believe this is swine related. Neither does nurse at peds.
Anyway, just seems like while alot, there has been a lot less. It's nice.
Appointments for the twins has not been as plentiful over the last few months.
This means I am in the office more.
This means I have to work less "overtime" at night when the kids are in bed/sleeping.
Work is busy, but not crazy busy in great part because I am not off not working during working hours.
It has been nice.
I'm still busy. In fact, I have company and am getting more company. Company is nice. Makes things crowed and a bit, off, but over all nice.
I'm still behind on so many, many things. But, things are mostly routine.
Mostly, like we've also been on a healthy stretch for a week or two now and that has been nice. However, N seems to have a bit of a stomach upset. In that she spit up a bit last night. Vomited her breakfast and is refusing all food and drink. Do not believe this is swine related. Neither does nurse at peds.
Anyway, just seems like while alot, there has been a lot less. It's nice.
Monday, April 27, 2009
The honest truth
I've thought about writing this post for awhile now, but wasn't sure that I had the energy or could explain myself like I would want. The honest truth is that I really didn't want a daughter. Well, in the very, very beginning when Max was still in womb and Audry Elizabeth I did. In the beginning, I was fine with either gender, I just wanted a baby, damn it! But, I could only see myself with a girl. When I found out, at about 30 weeks that she was really a he, I laughed and laughed and was fine and never looked back. Once Max was here, I realized that I was a pretty good mom for boys and really wanted him to have a sibling, especially a brother.
Once I was pregnant with the twins, if I were completely honest, my first choice would have been b/b, second b/g, and third g/g. It's not that I didn't want a girl, per se. Heck, after all the struggles to get where I wanted to be the saying beggars can't be choosers and I would have been happy with more. But, given my druthers, if "I" were in charge, I would have chosen 3 boys. Now, I have several, several friends that have all boys and b/b twins and some of which really, really, really wanted a girl. And, that's not what the cards dealt them and we haven't talked about it recently, but I think they are mostly at peace with their all boy family. But, once I had Max, I couldn't see myself with a daughter.
Then, when N was in the hospital for so long and was so sick and turned a shade of blue that no parent should ever see their child turn and I wasn't sure she would make it and got the twins on the fast track to a hospital baptism, I felt a tad guilty. Like maybe if I had wanted her more, none of that would have happened to her. Now, I know that wasn't logical and I really try not to think about last summer much. I have compartmentalized it away in the back of my mind for some time way in the future when it doesn't make me sad and anxious when I can come to terms when it isn't so real when I don't have a physical stress reaction just by casual thoughts even to the extent I'm just talking and thinking about it now.
For at least the first 6 months, N was a PITA. A constant source of worry and fret and she just needed so much. She would just loose it and scream her head of for no reason. She has more specialist than one can almost count that need to be followed up with on a regular basis. She is currently receiving 2 hours a week of home therapy (early intervention and physical therapy) and we are going to be adding in occupational therapy next month (reminds me, need to follow up on that). She was high maintenance if there ever was high maintenance. The issue isn't about love. I could not love her more, nor at this point picture my life without her.
I know without a doubt, that I have the family and children I was meant to have and have such a rocky start needed to be a part of the story, although I don't really know why yet. I just know with a peace and certainty that is odd really that I am where I was meant to be with a family and children I was meant to have.
This isn't about whether or not she will have any diabilities or learning imparements or "normal", whatever that means. Although she is delayed, I and "the team" (docs and therapists) actually think that ultimatly she will be fine, but one doesn't really know and that isn't something I really worry or think about or care about and that's not what I'm talking about.
Somewhere over the last four or so months, she's been changing. I think part of it is just her maturing, her starting to feel better once the shunt was in and started working, and once she started outgrowing her dose of phenobarbatal and the doctor agreed with my recommendation to not increase her dosage. It's like she's been blosoming and coming into her own. She is just beautiful inside and out. She is such a pleasure to be around and is funny. She notices when I walk through a room and just cries and cries if she isn't acknowleged or only in passing and I can't stop and play (like I'm working, but need to go out into the living room to get the breast pump and get back and set up so I can make my next meeting while I pump and hope they can't hear it over the phone). She plays with toys as they are intended to be played with. I'm not worried about her phyical saftey at every turn because she has to do some dangerous feat, just because like her brothers. She is beyond slow to warm with strangers. Your new and you come near her and she will scream her head off and make it perfectly clear that you need to back off. NOW!!! She is not subtle and there is no missing her messages and cues. You bring the spoon to her mouth and she opens it in advance and willingly until she is done, then clamps it shut refusing to open as she shakes her head as in what part of NO do you not understand.
She is just so different than her brothers. I think in part because she is a girl and in part just because of her own inate personality.
Often, I think that Max is more bonded with N than with R. He calls her his princess and his beautiful girl and gives her hugs and kisses and makes her laugh and laugh like no one else. Granted, he also will pull her hair or climb over her just because R did and I told him to stop and I'm not really sure what that is all about since it has just started happening so it's not all sunshine and roses between them, but they do have a special draw and bond with each other that I would have never ever imagined.
All this to say, and at this point, I think of that country song about unanswered prayers, that sometimes you don't know what really will be best for you and your family even if you think you do. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. It will be very interesting to see the sibling dynamics as the children grow, but I'm happy that Max and N seem to have their own special connection, and N/R have the twin thing and Max/R have the boy thing. And, I think it has all worked out just fine and to repeat myself, just like it was meant to be.
PS. This is post 1005 for me. Hard to believe.
Once I was pregnant with the twins, if I were completely honest, my first choice would have been b/b, second b/g, and third g/g. It's not that I didn't want a girl, per se. Heck, after all the struggles to get where I wanted to be the saying beggars can't be choosers and I would have been happy with more. But, given my druthers, if "I" were in charge, I would have chosen 3 boys. Now, I have several, several friends that have all boys and b/b twins and some of which really, really, really wanted a girl. And, that's not what the cards dealt them and we haven't talked about it recently, but I think they are mostly at peace with their all boy family. But, once I had Max, I couldn't see myself with a daughter.
Then, when N was in the hospital for so long and was so sick and turned a shade of blue that no parent should ever see their child turn and I wasn't sure she would make it and got the twins on the fast track to a hospital baptism, I felt a tad guilty. Like maybe if I had wanted her more, none of that would have happened to her. Now, I know that wasn't logical and I really try not to think about last summer much. I have compartmentalized it away in the back of my mind for some time way in the future when it doesn't make me sad and anxious when I can come to terms when it isn't so real when I don't have a physical stress reaction just by casual thoughts even to the extent I'm just talking and thinking about it now.
For at least the first 6 months, N was a PITA. A constant source of worry and fret and she just needed so much. She would just loose it and scream her head of for no reason. She has more specialist than one can almost count that need to be followed up with on a regular basis. She is currently receiving 2 hours a week of home therapy (early intervention and physical therapy) and we are going to be adding in occupational therapy next month (reminds me, need to follow up on that). She was high maintenance if there ever was high maintenance. The issue isn't about love. I could not love her more, nor at this point picture my life without her.
I know without a doubt, that I have the family and children I was meant to have and have such a rocky start needed to be a part of the story, although I don't really know why yet. I just know with a peace and certainty that is odd really that I am where I was meant to be with a family and children I was meant to have.
This isn't about whether or not she will have any diabilities or learning imparements or "normal", whatever that means. Although she is delayed, I and "the team" (docs and therapists) actually think that ultimatly she will be fine, but one doesn't really know and that isn't something I really worry or think about or care about and that's not what I'm talking about.
Somewhere over the last four or so months, she's been changing. I think part of it is just her maturing, her starting to feel better once the shunt was in and started working, and once she started outgrowing her dose of phenobarbatal and the doctor agreed with my recommendation to not increase her dosage. It's like she's been blosoming and coming into her own. She is just beautiful inside and out. She is such a pleasure to be around and is funny. She notices when I walk through a room and just cries and cries if she isn't acknowleged or only in passing and I can't stop and play (like I'm working, but need to go out into the living room to get the breast pump and get back and set up so I can make my next meeting while I pump and hope they can't hear it over the phone). She plays with toys as they are intended to be played with. I'm not worried about her phyical saftey at every turn because she has to do some dangerous feat, just because like her brothers. She is beyond slow to warm with strangers. Your new and you come near her and she will scream her head off and make it perfectly clear that you need to back off. NOW!!! She is not subtle and there is no missing her messages and cues. You bring the spoon to her mouth and she opens it in advance and willingly until she is done, then clamps it shut refusing to open as she shakes her head as in what part of NO do you not understand.
She is just so different than her brothers. I think in part because she is a girl and in part just because of her own inate personality.
Often, I think that Max is more bonded with N than with R. He calls her his princess and his beautiful girl and gives her hugs and kisses and makes her laugh and laugh like no one else. Granted, he also will pull her hair or climb over her just because R did and I told him to stop and I'm not really sure what that is all about since it has just started happening so it's not all sunshine and roses between them, but they do have a special draw and bond with each other that I would have never ever imagined.
All this to say, and at this point, I think of that country song about unanswered prayers, that sometimes you don't know what really will be best for you and your family even if you think you do. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. It will be very interesting to see the sibling dynamics as the children grow, but I'm happy that Max and N seem to have their own special connection, and N/R have the twin thing and Max/R have the boy thing. And, I think it has all worked out just fine and to repeat myself, just like it was meant to be.
PS. This is post 1005 for me. Hard to believe.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Multiplying
Is it just my house where the paper work and toys seem to multiply by themselves over night and the dishes and laundry during the day? I know people say you are to spend time with the kids over the house work, but my word...if I don't do dishes at least 2 or 3 times a day there are no clean bottles, pump supplies, or sink and counter space left, especially if I could even the most basic of meals. And, if you don't do laundry one day a child can get lost in the mountain of clothes that builds up. The junk and clutter that comes with the territory of several small kids in a house drives me crazy, but I remind myself that the time will come all too fast where it will be neat as can be and all too empty. My standards have become much lower with the twins that it is almost scary although between Neomi and I, we are almost constantly picking up, cleaning, and washing just to maintain. I have to be pretty darn exhausted and/or sick not to do a pick up at night after the kids are in bed so we can start the day as organized as possible. I'll take the controlled chaos even if I'm pretty sure that there must be a gremlin or body double for each kids that adds to the mess as soon as we turn our head of if you sit for 5 minutes.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Mischovous little imp
Baby jail has been up for not quite a week yet. R has already figured out the escape route (the place I left open on one side to make it easier to get in and out so we don't have to step over...as an aside, my biggest complaint with baby jail is that it doesn't have a gate) and will crawl over and stop to make sure you are looking and see him and then give the biggest impish smile like...ha ha, you don't want me to do this, huh? Oh, I can see my future and that kid is going to be trouble with a smile.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Bumps and Bruises
We have entered the bumps and bruises phase. The one where you wonder if people suspect you of child abuse....ah, the bruise on R's cheek...he fell. The red mark on N's forehead...R ran into her with the tractor...really. Yesterday, it was the crib tents. Today, it was baby jail. Doesn't stop R from trying to climb over his sister or use her for leverage...which for the record, she does NOT appreciate...but, it does make things a bit more safe. Trying to keep R away from Max's stuff was getting a bit much and there are so many small parts and pieces and you can only do so much. So, baby jail is now here.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
It was time
Crib tents went up today. R is standing like a pro and cruising. He is a bit scary actually. Good thing I've been there before with Max and we both survived through to another phase. I'm going to have to invest in baby leashes soon. Max isn't so thrilled with sharing his train table. He was given the choice to keep it in the living room and let R play with it or move it to his bedroom. He wants to keep it in the living room, BUT doesn't want R to touch it. Should get interesting soon. He told R today that he was frustrating him and that he was angry because he wouldn't stop touching his stuff. I guess I need to pull out siblings without rivalry and actually read it soon.
I've been on vacation this week as Max had a week off from school and it is easier for us both for me to not have to work when he is home. We've had fun. I think he is ready to go back to school, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work. It has been nice to be off and get a few things done that have been on the list.
Today was a nice warm day. Max wanted to swim, but the water is too cold so we compromised and filled the small tub up with warm water. Everyone had a wonderful time even if Max did splash and dump water on the twins heads.
I've been on vacation this week as Max had a week off from school and it is easier for us both for me to not have to work when he is home. We've had fun. I think he is ready to go back to school, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work. It has been nice to be off and get a few things done that have been on the list.
Today was a nice warm day. Max wanted to swim, but the water is too cold so we compromised and filled the small tub up with warm water. Everyone had a wonderful time even if Max did splash and dump water on the twins heads.
Monday, April 13, 2009
10 Months
Oh me, oh my....where has the time gone? The twins are 10 months now. R is combat crawling and pulling himself to a stand. The kid is a bit of a menace. N is just beautiful and talking up a storm. Max is mostly doing great except for the potty mouth, and walking down the street by himself this morning while we were loading the car, and pulling down his drawers to pee on the grass today at the zoo. Ah, I think (and hope and pray) just a typical energetic smart 3.5 year old. He loves being a big brother. It was his idea to have matching outfits with his brother and he picked them out himself with his Nana. I can't tell you how busy and tired I am. I've thought about doing a day in the life post, but too much happens in a day so I can't remember and don't have the time.
Twins first Zoo Outing
Note that look on N's face. Like, what Mom, you don't see this? Am I a floor mat? I think not!
Three things from this weekend that still have me laughing.....
1) About 4 or 5 pm on Saturday, my mom looks over to me and says "I feel very useful. I'm not sure how you'd do it without my help." To which I replied, that a lot less would get done and there would be a lot more crying.
2) Sunday morning we are on our way to church and my mom leaves a message for someone saying "It's 7:30, we're going to 7:15 mass". Hey, I'm convinced that God is glad we actually made it. He knows how hard it is to pack it all up and head out. Often if feels like moving a small army. I did it two days in a row. Have I mentioned I'm tired? I'm only still going because my blood is now sugar water. The Easter Bunny did a good job of not OD'ing on candy and getting toys and other such stuff. However, Aunt Kris sent home her "left overs" causing the need to make up for sleep with candy, candy, and more candy. Egads, I've started bagging it to store away. It must go soon.
3) This picture.....
ps. I tried to post pictures last night, but it took forever to load, then I got booted out and would have had to start over and I just didn't have it in me. Sleep called.
Easter 2009
Twins first Zoo Outing
Home after the Zoo, Finally able to crawl and move.
Note that look on N's face. Like, what Mom, you don't see this? Am I a floor mat? I think not!Three things from this weekend that still have me laughing.....
1) About 4 or 5 pm on Saturday, my mom looks over to me and says "I feel very useful. I'm not sure how you'd do it without my help." To which I replied, that a lot less would get done and there would be a lot more crying.
2) Sunday morning we are on our way to church and my mom leaves a message for someone saying "It's 7:30, we're going to 7:15 mass". Hey, I'm convinced that God is glad we actually made it. He knows how hard it is to pack it all up and head out. Often if feels like moving a small army. I did it two days in a row. Have I mentioned I'm tired? I'm only still going because my blood is now sugar water. The Easter Bunny did a good job of not OD'ing on candy and getting toys and other such stuff. However, Aunt Kris sent home her "left overs" causing the need to make up for sleep with candy, candy, and more candy. Egads, I've started bagging it to store away. It must go soon.
3) This picture.....
ps. I tried to post pictures last night, but it took forever to load, then I got booted out and would have had to start over and I just didn't have it in me. Sleep called.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Useful
Somewhere around 4 or 5 pm tonight, my mom comments to me that she sure does feel useful and she's not sure how I would do it if she didn't come on Saturday's to help. She sure has been helpful and useful and I couldn't get done what I did today without her help. I was tired this morning. I'm beyond tired, but almost everything is done that needs to be.
Happy Easter to all and to all a good night!
Happy Easter to all and to all a good night!
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Whew!
Feeling much less pressure now that the Easter Bunny has all the supplies needed hidden in the house for basket assembly. Yes, taxes are still sitting out there and I'm even more behind at work, but at least it is one less (big) thing to be done. And, yes, the Easter Bunny went a tad overboard, not really with candy, but with toys and books and a cute cow umbrella for Max which I just know he will love.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Get on up
I can't tell you how hard it has been to drag myself out of bed lately. Once I'm up and going, I'm usually okay for the duration of the day, but getting up....it's been hard and it's been a bit late, which makes the rush to first meeting...7 am tough.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
On Diaper Rashes
N was going into 5 days of her first diaper rash when we had her 9 month ped appointment last week. After trying many different things, it was getting worse not better. I mentioned it to the doc and he recommended getting some monistat and putting that on first then some desitin on top because it looked fungal related. I have to tell you that guy knows what he is talking about. It has whipped this rash into shape. Now, how he knew this and how one gets a fungal rash I have yet to find out or research as it hasn't made it high enough up on the priority list, but it is something I wondered about. R has yet to get a rash of any kind. Max still tends to get random rashes here and there, but really only had a few mild ones as a baby and desitn was the worst thing for them. His skin preferred Burt's Butt Paste so we used the for him. For the most part, before this N diaper rash, we've been using A and E with the twins because I couldn't find Burt's one day so got that as a stop gap and the nanny likes it better since it is clear and seemed to be working so I could really care less as long as it's effective. So, there you have it. So happy it has cleared up so now she is only dealing with a cold. Attitide wise, she hasn't seemed to mind the rash or the cold, buggers, snot thing she has going on except right at bed time. Ah, the joys and glamour of parent hood.
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