Chugging Along

Just chugging along. Spending a bit of time enjoying my babies and my preschooler, which isn't as hard as last week. :) And, all the things that go along with that like feeding, cleaning up spilt milk, fix it moma, washing bottles, keeping the house clean enough that you can walk without tripping and killing yourself. And, getting things done off the to-do list like trying to organize and set up the nursery in all my free time. You know the twins are over three months now, it might be time to get it done, eh? So, I have a crib in a box to be set up now. Dressers being delivered next week. A bunch of bins and clothes of various sizes being sorted and organized. Yes, still looking like a disaster at this point, but I have hopes of it coming together by the end of next week. Max's room is now free of all clothes (or at least most) that no longer fit him. The linen closet is sorted so I can actually find the sheets that fit my bed and the towels don't fall out at you when you open the door. And, up in the middle of the night feeding babies and pumping. Fun stuff. All part of the mommy gig. Mostly loving it.

Released

I officially released, verbally and in writing, all remaining vials of my sperm donor to another couple with a child (a boy I think) born within a few months of Max. This has been in the works for awhile except that I was planning on keeping a few, just in case. I didn't. I'm done ttc. Done, I tell you. I'm sure of it. Then, I get into cyclical thinking about the two pity freeze frozen embryos that are crap and how since they are crap, I should just transfer them back so they aren't sitting around. Then, I worry that maybe they are the same type of crap that resulted in R and N and if it worked, I would be in trouble because I can't go through another pregnancy and know that my family is complete, but not sure I can just discard those crap embryos. Anyway, no longer have any vials of my sperm. It is going to a good cause and I feel good about releasing it. All of it.

It's amazing how many appointments I have these days. Yesterday, I had the kick off meeting with the regional center coordinator for R and N to get them started with services. Today, I have the therapy for me and dentist for Max. Tuesday it was eye appointments for the twins. Friday it will be home health nurse for R. Monday, it was the neologist for N. I managed to get an hair appointment for me at the last minute which was a nice treat so my hair is shorter and nice and straight and looking like it only does after being professionally styled. I'm sure it must look much better than it has since I've gotten several compliments. My only problem with it is that it is so smooth and shiny that I was able to observe that which I wish I had not...grey hair. At least 5 of them. I thought about plucking them all out but only did one in case the adage of pluck one and 5 grow back really is true. Egads, I knew my eyes are going, but grey hair too? I'm blaming it on the twins and their NICU stay. They will never hear the end of this.

Speaking of appointments, while I now have R's pulmonologist one set for mid October, I have not yet been able to get one for the neorosurgion for N. She was supposed to be seen 2 weeks after discharge which was 9/5. I call, they say they don't have any notes on her, need to talk to the doc, do research, whatever, and they will call back. They don't. I call back. Same dance, different day. I called the social worker at the hospital yesterday and she talked to someone who is supposed to personally follow up and get with me. Still haven't heard from her. Yes, I'll be calling yet again if I don't hear by this afternoon. Such a PITA.

I attempted to take pictures yesterday quickly, but .... alas...the memory card is full and I haven't had time to empty it. And, I'm thinking about moving to monthly photos at this point and want to get a professional appointment set up.

I had another point or two, but Max would like a turn on the computer and he has been quite good this morning, even if he did wake up at 4:15 to poo.

Waiting, not so patiently (Edited)

Mr. R was released on August 1st from the NICU on 1/8 of a liter of Oxygen and an Apnea monitor in addition to some medicine called Lycine to be given every other feed. * I was given instructions to follow up with a pulinology appointment. It took me months to even get an appointment. They would not return my calls. I had the peds office call to confirm they had everything they needed...yes, they would get with me to set an appointment the peds office was told. I had the hospital social worker call...no avail...still not appointment. Finally, I got a call to get an appointment set the day Ms. N was getting released (a Friday, 9/5...see 5 weeks later). Then, N got readmitted on Monday and between phone tag that week she was back in the hospital, I FINALLY got an appointment set for October 16th. Quite rediculous, but what are you going to do. As I told the ped at our appointment last week, I'm done and been done with the apnea monitor. Done. It almost never goes off and when it does it is for loose leads or some such. And, R is off oxygen for good periods of the day for various reasons like it is a pain to move the machine if you want to sit with him in the rocker to feed him, or I'm taking him out, or we are going for a walk or whatever. Then, he is quite skilled at pulling the nose prongs out and you can think he is on it and he's not. Plus, you have to check the settings frequently because Max has been known to go turn the nob when you aren't looking (or it just mysteriously resets itself when he is around) turning it all the way down or worse all the way up (giving R way too much oxygen). I'm just sure R doesn't need this anymore and that he is only on it because we haven't been given doc's orders to discountinue because we don't have a fricken appointment. I've been so tempted...more and more tempted every day to just stop. Just stop the meds and stop the oxygen. I may still yet. I only haven't because I'm either too chicken or too wise, but mostly because I don't understand the implications totally and what if I'm wrong. Oct. 16th is still

* The med doesn't exactly always occur every other feed these days either because I may decide to BF during a med meal or may forget or be too tired/lazy during the middle of the night and I figure it can't be all that precise because at this age a meal can be anywhere from 2 - 5 hours so there is a big range.

ETA: This post ended abruptly when at 1:30 am, both R and Max started screaming for their momma and Ms. N just cried on and off and made noise. Sometime after 3 am things settled down around here. I'm supposed to be out the door with all three kids ready to make an eye doc appointment for the twins and none of us are fed or ready and I'm just now pumping. Sigh. Ah, deep breaths, what will be will be. Noemi will have to get Max ready and to school after I leave with the twins which will be a battle in and of itself. Anyway, the post stands as is half done with no editing as there will be no time to read, fix, and finish it for some time.

My life force is being sucked dry

Three sleeping babies at the moment and a quiet house. Oh, so glorious. There are so many things I could and should be doing, but I decided to invest a bit more time in bumping (and blogging). You'd think it would be the twins sucking the energy out of me and wearing me down. Oh, no, that would be my three year old. My word he has been high maintenance of late. I'm almost done reading Your 3 Year Old: Friend or Enemy, but it was hidden by said 3 year old so well that I can't find it at the moment and forgot to ask where before he fell asleep. And, according to the book, he is age appropriate. Good thing I love that kid so as he has been trying my patience to the limit with only brief reprieves. I packed up the kids and we went to a single moms party on Sunday and wasn't kidding when folks said they were impressed I made it when I replied it was far easier to have Max out of the house if for nothing else he was strapped in his car seat for the ride there and back. The time he is in preschool seems far to short to me and apparently, far too long to him. Out of all the phases so far, I have to say I'm not loving this one the most and have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. Oh, please God, right? this too shall pass?

A running conversation from on and off today, pretty much all day.

Max: I don't want to go to preschool.
Me: Why?
Max: I'm sad.
Me: Why are you sad?
Max: I'm sad because you broke my puppet.
Me: I didn't break your puppet.
Max: Yes, you did.
Me: No, but show it to me, maybe I can fix it.
Max: No, I want it broken.

Max: I don't want to go to preschool.
Me: Why?
Max: Mrs. J (one of his teachers)
Me: What about Mrs. J?
Max: I don't like her.
Me: Why don't you like her?
Max: She's a dinosaur.
Me: A dinosaur?
Max: Yes, and she scares me.

Me: Max, after school today, I'd like to do something special with you. Would you like to put up the Halloween decorations?
Max: Halloween?
Me: Yes, where we put out the scarecrows and witches and pumpkins.
Max: The CANDY one? Where the candy goes in the pumpkin.
Me: Yes, but the candy won't come for a long time yet.
Max: Let's go to the store and pick out candy for the pumpkin.
Me: We can get things out today, but we aren't going to go the the store to get candy today.

Me: Max, please don't do that. I don't like it.
Max: (doing it anyway) I'm not Max.
Me: Who are you then.
Max: I'm a dinosaur.
Me: Mr. Dinosaur, please don't do that. I don't like it.

Max: I'm sad.
Me: Why are you sad?
Max: Because you broke my puppet.
Me: Max, I didn't break your puppet.
Max: Yes, you did.
Me: What puppet is broken?
Max: (some jibberish I didn't understand)
Me: Show it to me, maybe I can fix it.
Max: No, I want it broken.

Max: We need to go to the store.
Me: Why?
Max: We need to go to the donuts store to get donuts. (keep in mind that I have never, not once taken him to the store to get donuts, although he does have them on occasion when they are served after church)
Me: We are making dinner right now. We are not going to the store to get donuts.
Max: I don't want dinner. I want donuts.
Me: Donuts are a very special food that you don't get very often. Maybe they will have them again after church again soon and you can have one then.

Max: I don't want to go to preschool. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want my PJ's on. I don't like this snack. I don't want this. I don't want to go to preschool.

Etc. and so on. Poor Noemi. Max has just been completely mean and ignoring her. She'll ask him things and he just pretends he doesn't hear her and doesn't respond in any way. When I tell him that's not nice and when someone talks to you you are suppose to talk back and answer them, he just ignores me.

Don't get me wrong. We did have some fun together today where I sucked up every ounce of energy and patience and let him help me with dinner. We went out and played ball together. I can think of at least a handful of times where I carved out special time for him today, just for him. So, I don't think it's that. Just a phase I tell you. Just a phase complicated by having a new brother and sister and starting preschool. Please God, help me get through this phase.

One of the sweetest things he did today was "sleep" with his brother this morning. He woke up at hellish 4 something am. I had been BF R in bed since 3:30 am and left R there when I got up to feed N. Max went in to my room to go to the bathroom and I could tell exactly when he realized R was there. He climbed up very carefully and didn't touch him, but go close and layed next to him and talked to him. It was so sweet. I'm sure there were other sweet nice times as well, but sadly, they are being overshadowed by the throwing of my pump stuff around, his cars at me, and other such trying nonsense, completely unprovoked, just because. He's three. He's tired, going through a lot of change, and is testing the limits and bounders and testing the limits and boundaries and challenging my patience to the limit.

And, after dropping Max off at school, I came home and took a nice nap, ate lunch, got ready to pump, decided to BF R, got up to pump and decided to attempt to BF Ms. N who fell back asleep in my arms, and all too soon, it was time to go get Max and the peace of the house was gone until bedtime. Said pumping didn't happen until 3 hours later. I don't know how the days are flying by so quickly and I'm getting so little done. There just aren't enough hours and minutes in the day right now for everything. Or, enough energy in me to solder on, to slug through, to push through the fatigue and rally to accomplish that which must be accomplished. Sadly, there will be no nap tomorrow since I need to take the twins for eye appointments. This means tomorrow afternoon and night will be so much harder to get through. I'm hoping for a good night for us all with quick up and downs to eat with the twins and a late wake up for Max. Hey, one can always dream. :)

The best news of the day was hearing the my short term disability extension was approved through October 19th with an October 20th return to work date so I'll be getting paid for all this time off, which is a relief. And, I'll still have my 4 weeks of vacation left to use. I'll probably take on a week or two of that at the end to return to work around the end of October like I planned and use the rest of the time around Thanksgiving and Christmas which will be nice. Again, what a relief.

Week 14

It's been 14 weeks now. I'm loving having both home, but tired. Not only from the sleepless nights, but also from trying to get caught up around the house with bills and appointments and such. This evening was similiar to most these days, the twins eating up every ounce of time alternating between demanding momma except when they both are screaming at the same time. Good thing I have a lot of patience and Max is going down early and not in the mix. They sleep nicely all day just waiting to eat and then going back down, until...momma comes on duty. I have so much to say and so many blog entries written in my head, but alas no time in which to write them. It's all good. Like I said, I'm loving it.

Growing well

The days are flying past. Yesterday morning, I reclaimed most of my bedroom and dejunked in the first room of a whole house organizing effort that must be done before I head back to work. Yes, I probably should have started in the office and looked at the paper work and bills. This morning, I napped. It was one of those nights where I was tag teamed times three.

The doctors appointment went well. I picked up Max and we all went since I wasn't sure I could get back in time if they ran behind. He was able to ask Dr. H if he could stop using his car seat, because (you know) he's three and bigger now and doesn't need to use it any more. I have told him that he has to be 6 years old or 60 lbs. He told me he was going to ask Dr. H, which he did, who told him the exact same thing. LOL, oh, that boy of mine, he does make me laugh. Of course, the FIRST question he asked was if he could have a sticker.

N weighed in at 8 lbs 10 oz, almost a pound gain in a week averaging about 2 oz a day. R weighed in at 9 lbs 3 oz, averaging about 1.5 oz a day in the last month. Dr. H was impressed and said they seem to be doing well and keep it up. They see him again in a month.

All's good

All is good on the home front. The house is trashed. I'm tired, but not exhausted. All three are currently sleeping. I'm pumping. We are in the home stretch until the end of the weekend and it really felt manageable. So much that I didn't sign up for a sitter at all next Saturday, but have her coming for 5 hours Sunday afternoon. I may live to regret that, but felt that I paid a sitter to just watch the babies sleep. It would be one thing if she dug in and my house got cleaned or at least picked up, but ...alas, she is not Noemi. I've come to see what a gem my Noemi is. I need to look around and find better help for the weekend, but will just limp along with what I have for a bit. If things get crazy hard, it will increase my motivation. We made it to church and a restaurant today (with my Aunt and Uncle who are in town for a wedding) and it is busy, sure, but do-able. Anyway, not much to say, but wanted to check in. Both babes have doc appointments tomorrow afternoon so I should have at least height and weight updates then.

Recent Conversations - Edited

Max: I want too much mommy. I like too much.

*******************************

Doc on final exam of N yesterday: Don't be surprised if you end up with a few hospitalizations the first year. That's common with preemies. Winter is coming. Just keep the twins away from pretty much everyone.

Me: I'll do my best. I do have a 3 year old in preschool.

Doc: *

* She had nothing to say about that. Just gave me a look. And, that was that.

Edited: Wait, I forgot. After the look, she was quiet for a few minutes doing and listening for whatever they listen and look for on these exams, and then she says...well, make sure he washes his hands.... a lot.

And, all I could think about was how she must never have had a 3 year old or she has and has forgotten or she has and remembers all too well and just didn't know what else to say. I just couldn't get into the fact that Max had been sneezing and now has a runny nose.

Me thinks it may be a long winter health wise. For me, I'm going to try not to worry too much and just do the best I can to keep everyone safe and healthy in a less than ideal situation. And, the twins are on the list to get a very expensive flu type vaccine monthly (that begins with an S, but name is escaping me at the moment). Maybe that will help. Or, maybe we have more hospitalizations in our future.

Week 13, late

Taken last night.

So happy to have them both home again with us all sharing space.
So happy to not have to go to the hospital today.

Home

N is home again. Doing fine. Got home later than I would have liked. Held hostage by a well intentioned nurse who wanted me to have a hospital lunch that never came. Both babes have buggery noses. Holding the princess now and doing this one handed. Mr. R is starting to wake. Got to go.

Week 13

Unlucky 13? I forgot my camera. Ugh! I was so disappointed in myself, but there was so much to try to remember it was just the one thing too many today and I was hoping that Ms. N would be home so I could take pics then. As it was, Max was asleep and R was eating when I got home. Noemi got R in PJ's and in bed as I set up to pump and look through another book size envelope of EOB's. So, no pics today, tomorrow is another day and hopefully another coming home day for Ms. N, who was awake when I left her, which is so hard to do.

They decided to start her on anti seizure medication even though her EEG looked fine again. The working theory is that she had an unobserved seizure which can cause lethargy. I gave her a loader dose this afternoon and if she doesn't have an adverse reaction to it tonight, I think she gets to come home tomorrow.

Readmitted

Nora was readmitted to the hospital today for observation. She was very lethargic with no awake time sleeping through feeds until I woke her (which should have been a good thing, right?). Lethargic enough that I was concerned. Worried enough that I didn't even think to remember my camera to take for her first peds visit. After talking with the ped and based on her history, he sent me and I was fully supportive of me going to the ER for testing. The ER doc ran some test and called the NICU and one of those docs came to see her and agreed that she was probably not septic, but had another seizure and needed to be admitted. The NICU doc talked with the pediatric doc and she was admitted to the pediatric floor in her own big room in her own big crib for observation. I don't know what I expected...I guess to be told that all was fine, I was an over anxious momma and all was fine and go home and try to not to fret...or, that she would get admitted it would be back to the NICU...but, I can't even tell you how upset I was. If she was acting like she was when I left her, I would never have been concerned. She was awake and alert and wanting to be held and I had to go and it about killed me to leave. I left my house at 9 am for a peds appointment and got home at 8 pm, not having attended Max's school open house meeting with his teachers and other parents in his class, not having been able to get ahold of Noemi to let her know what was going on, with a cell phone with a dead battery, with a migraine that had me so sick I was vomiting after I walked in the door.

I want her alive. I want her well. I want her home with me.

Two's are easier than three's

It occurred to me that Max's behavior didn't have anything to do with me napping or not or my better attitude, it had to do with the fact that it was all about him. There was no reason for him to act out and push the limits because he was getting all of my attention after my nap. Sigh. I've heard from many who have BTDT before that terrible two's be darn, three is a harder year. We are only a few weeks into it his 3rd year and granted there are a lot of changes underway at home with the babes home, starting preschool, and probably not feeling well, but...so far I agree...three is going to be a harder more challenging year on many fronts with Max. I need to dig deep into reserves to be the type of mom I want to be with him and help guide him on acceptable behavior without ineffetive yelling. Some of it just comes with the territory, but I just need to do better.

Managable, but just barely

The weekend is going fine. It's manageable, but just barely. The first night went better than expected and we all got a fair amount of sleep. On Saturday, I only had the sitter for a few hours in the morning when I needed to be out, but my mom came for the afternoon and was actually helpful (which isn't often the case). She was a good baby holder and even fed a few bottles, changed a few diapers, and helped a lot with Max. A friend came over to play with Max for about an hour and I was able to get some things done and relative calm was to be had.

Last night wasn't horrible, but less sleep was to be had. Instead of being perfect little babies when they ate at 3:30 am and 4 am (N and R respectively) neither were too interested in sleep. I'd just get one down and then the other would wake and cry for help. Good thing I pumped just before their feeding schedule. I finally got us all asleep at 5:12 am with R tucked under my left arm cuddled into me and N chest to chest on top of me...and...then Max woke at 5:22 am. Yes, the thought, you've got to be kidding me did cross my mind. :) I was able to shift N next to R and let them snuggle each other and they both slept for a bit more. We did make it to church only a bit late and that was fine as well in between feeds for the babes. The afternoon was much harder and I'm so glad I had the sitter coming at 2 pm. Not only did it give me something to look forward to, I needed the break. I got a few hours of sleep. Swam, had dinner, and got Max to bed. And, am now pumping before she leaves. Even with the extra help, all three were needing attention with N doing a big leaky poo, R deciding schedule be damn he wanted to eat NOW, this very second NOW, not a minute from NOW, RIGHT NOW.

Amazing how much more well behaved Max was after I had sleep. It's odd. It's not that I view his behavior differently. It's just when I'm tired and have the least patience he pushes it to the limit. For example, I'm giving R a bath because he had a big bear down fart when eating and vomited all over him and I. Max is hanging over my shoulder and got a cup and was trying to throw cold water from the sink on R...when I asked him not to. Or, deciding he wanted some milk, getting it from the fridge, and then spilling it all over the floor...when I asked him to wait. Or, picking up R and "holding him" when my back was turned to deal with N...when I've told him so many times he can't touch the babies without Momma or Mimi saying it is okay. There was a lot of yelling by me and a lot of ignoring and acting out by Max and it wasn't pretty, but we got through. Thank goodness he mostly left me alone when I was napping (he tried to get in at one point and shoved straw from my wall hanging under the door) so I'm recharged for the night.

Oh, and Max is offically coming down with a cold (probably has something to do with why he was such a challenge today) and I can tell I'm fighting it off. I'll be hoping and praying we keep the babies healthy. I'd hate to have one or both back in the hospital after finally getting us all home. Maybe I'll have to keep Max home tomorrow. I'll see how he's feeling in the morning.

Anyway, all is basically well and normal in a house with three small children.

12w2d; 5w1h Home Sweet Home

12 weeks and 2 days after she was born

5 weeks 1 hour after her brother

Nora is home!!

The good, the better, the best

The good news is that I had a lactation consultation today and we actually got Ms. N on the breast for a bit using a nipple shield. I wouldn't have been able to do it without the specialized help. I told her right off what the problem was...she wouldn't latch and would just shake her head about too and fro and scream her head off. The lactation consultant immediately knew how to "fix" it based on my description....nipple shield. It took both of our hands, but we got Ms. N going. We have another consult scheduled for tomorrow before we leave.

The better news is that Ms. N passed her hearing test today. If she was going to have hearing loss as a result of the meningitis, it would have been immediate.

The best news is that unless Ms. N has a complete health breakdown between now and tomorrow or fails the car seat safety test, she is coming home tomorrow. Hip Hip Horray! It's going to be a long day. As I know from discharge of Mr. R, it will take all day, especially with needing to do the car seat test and having the lactation consult.

It is going to be a long busy day tomorrow and a wonderful busy weekend with my entire crew home this weekend so I'm off to see if I can get an hour or so of sleep before Mr. R wants some grub since I didn't sleep much last night.

Maybe, just maybe

The doc said this afternoon that maybe Ms. N can come home on Friday or Saturday. I'll find out tomorrow for sure whether she needs a shunt and if not, she'll be headed home. I'm up afraid to hope and that it's not going to happen for some reason or that I'll get her home and she'll get sick all over and go septic and get critical again and have to go back or worse, die.

I hate that I have no good reason to be awake and I'm up worrying about this stuff, or at least thinking about it. Although, the last few nights I've gone to bed early and gotten, all told when added up, an acceptable amount of sleep for me.

Max started preschool on Tuesday. The glamor wore off after the first day sadly. His biggest complaint is about having to do circle time and being tired and the dinosaurs eating him all up. Yesterday, he napped for the first time since May and getting him to bed wasn't too awful. It's a big change for him. I'm sure he will adjust, but in the mean time, I'm feeling guilty. My mild manner guy is crying over not wanting to leave his blanket at school and that his train track is broken and mommy needs to fix it one minute and act out behavior like deliberately dropping paint all over the floor and tearing off the picture/paper on his train table. He's been wanting to sleep with mommy in mommy's bed (much more than usual), which for the record doesn't and hasn't happened because I'm up too much and neither of us would get any sleep. Oh, growing up can be so hard sometimes and I worry that I'm pushing him too hard right now and maybe I shouldn't have him go full days for awhile.

Mr. R has been having more awake time and was awake most of the evening. Then, slept a good deal and I had to wake him to eat, now he's been back to sleep for an hour and I'm still up. He's doing fine and is a good ole chap. Pretty easy to have around. The biggest problem is of course, him wanting to be awake and have attention right as I'm trying to get Max to bed.

And, I'm up worrying about Ms. N and so wanting to bring her into the family fold and about finally getting a picture of us all and being able to really be a family and the logistics of bringing her home if it is Friday vs. Saturday and deciding I kind of don't want to do it alone because I want pictures of the monumental event and worried that it really won't happen and we will have another setback and I'm not sure I could take and round and round the brain goes not stopping for sleep no matter how much the brain says I should when the heart is excited and trying not to be. Just maybe, my baby girl will be coming home soon.

Week 12

Max - First day of PreSchoolMy sleeping princess N

Mr. R already sticking his tongue out at me.

Just right

I can't sleep. It's insane really. I just keep thinking about how life just seems to be falling into place and how I'm really where I need to be right now.

I ended up taking Mr. R to that BBQ/Swim get together last night and it went fine, except he woke up and wanted attention right when it was time to eat, but that is just par for the course with babies. It was such a lovely time. Max and Kevin just play so nicely together. It was comfortable and fun. They are just my kind of people and I think I'm there's as well. The mom kept saying how Max seems like such an easy going kid with a great personality. She can see them growing up together as well. I can tell. Even though Kevin is a year older, she said she has already decided to keep him back a year so that he graduates when he is 18 and was asking what I had decided for Max. I actually haven't decided as I told her. I'm just going to see how pre-school goes and get feedback from the teachers about whether they think he is ready or not when the time comes. But, she can see them in the same class growing up together as can I.

Not only do they live really close (which is wonderful and rare for me/us as our friends tend to be spread all over the LA basin), the dad went to and the older brother is going to THE high school. The one I picked out for Max and have already been in contact with the dean of admissions for last year (yes, keep in mind that Max has not yet even started preschool). Yep, Kevin's going to that high school as well. Really, don't think it can bet better than that and be more right.

Now, I'm telling myself I must come off my high and go to sleep. It's all just so right and I'm so happy right now.

Not happy with every situation or right in that everything is perfect. That's not life. Happy in that I'm happy with who I am and where I am right now kind of right. The details are going to work themselves out. The direction is the right one and the core is solid.