B #5 – Bed - Edited

Edited to add pictures and footnotes.

I’m just killing time until I need to leave for my IUI apt.*** I am so excited, I want to leave now. Can’t concentrate on work. Yesterday, I was SURE I was ovulating early, but the nice thing about having gone through this before is that I realize I have felt this way and it has never happened. If I called my RE, he would have let me come in for a check and done and IUI, but why waste the sperm. I’m not getting my hopes up too high, but …

Anyway, I have been thinking about the5 B’s. Bath, Brush, Books, Bottle, and Bed. We have gotten in such a good routine of late. And, I realized that I haven’t talked about my little guy much lately. The truth is, as anyone who has read my blog must know, is that writing this is my therapy. I tend to be “around” more and writing when there is something bothering me that I need to work out or figure out or vent. And, things with Max are just going so well. He is great.

On bed, we have a good schedule/routine going these days. Most days, he is ready for bed around 7:30 pm and sleeps until about 4 – 6 am. If he is up around 4 and not because he is having/needs to have a BM, then he will usually drink 4 – 6 oz and doze back off with me in bed. However, sometimes, he sleeps straight through, like last night, until after 6. These times are so rare, that it is all I can do not to go in and check on him, because he often is such a light sleeper that just opening the door wakes him up.


My sleeping beauty!*


My little guy waking up.**

He has been taking two solid naps most days. We put him down based on when he got up. For example, Thursday morning he was up at 5 am working on a poo poo. He was put down for his morning nap at 9 am (which is really the earliest he could be put down between walking and eating breakfast). Today, he slept until 6:15 and we put him down at 9:45. No fuss, no muss, no crying.

On average, he naps 3 hours during the day. Sometimes 30 + min. less/sometimes 30+ min. more. If he takes a REALLY long morning nap, which doesn’t happen very often, but has happened, he will likely not go down for an afternoon nap and we adjust the evening bedtime to around 6 pm. Mostly, he has been sleeping about 90 – 120 min. in the morning and about 60 – 90 min. in the afternoon.

When I put him in his crib and tell him “night night, momma loves you” he gives me a smile and pulls up his blanky. I call out which ever animal has dared to come in, and close the door.

No fuss, no muss. Sometimes, he goes directly off to sleep. Sometimes, I hear him moving around and babbling in the crib. Occasionally, he will cry a bit, but usually this only happens when he is over tired and doesn’t last more than a few minutes.

Sometimes, like last night, he will wake up in the night crying. Last night, it was because he had gas and was trying to move around and ran out of real estate. He was up on all 4’s banging his head against the side of the crib still half asleep. I’ll go pick him up and help him get the gas out. Often, I will see if he wants a drink (of formula). Last night was really the first time he didn’t. He drank 1 oz. and fell back asleep in my arms. I put him back in the crib and he fussed for about 3 minutes before going back to sleep.

If he does wake up, there is usually a reason and that reason is usually gastrointestinal - gassy or needing to do a bowel movement. He is only pee’ing through very rarely these days. I found a size 3 diaper that works 98% of the time for him at night. On the rare occasions that he is wet when I get him, this does not seem to be the reason for the awaking.

For as bad of a sleeper he was in the beginning, he is settling down into a nice little sleeper. He does sleep light so I can’t leave the door open because the phone will wake him. Or, if he knows someone is visiting, he will have a hard time settling and sleeping.

I have a friend that told me that you should not cater to your child’s routine, you should have them work around yours. I have pondered this and decided that I don’t agree. There are times when the routine gets messed up for some reason, but these usually cause Max to get over tired. Luckily, at least so far, his behavior doesn’t suffer, especially if others are around. If it is just the two of us, he may get a bit whiny. BUT, the next night, I pay, because he doesn’t sleep through and wakes up 3 ,4 ,5 times and usually ends up in bed with me causing me less sleep. I have decided that having a child fit into your routine is a nice theory, but for Max and I, it is best not to mess with it if we can avoid it.

Okay, time to go. Next update: B #4 Books.

* This is Max asleep last night. He started out in the middle of the bed on his back facing the other direction. And his “bunny” was in the right upper corner of the crib. It is so cute that he got it and moved it with him complete to the other side.

** This is Max waking up this morning. He was laying sideways in the crib with his legs up the side (in kind of a sit position). I went to grab the camera really quick, but he was quicker and had rolled over and was pushing him self up when I got back.

*** The deed is done and the swimmers are thawed and inseminated. I think this time right now, for the next 24 hours is my favorite part of the whole process. It is the time for hope and possibilities. If it is going to happen, it starts now. It will happen over the next day. I hate that you have to take 2 weeks to find out. I was a bit disappointed that my other follicles shrank. I wasn’t too surprised given my history, but twins are definitely out for this go round. There was just the one follicle that had grown to 21. I have been quite crampy with a lot of pressure in the ovary area so I was hoping for more. I mentioned something to my RE about this being my first unmedicated RE and how it would be nice if it worked, but not likely. He countered saying that stranger things have happen, especially with me and my history. I have to agree with that. So, nothing else to do, but wait and see. And so another 2 ww begins.

Easter Pictures

I picked up Max's "formal" 8 month/Easter pictures from Sears today. They turned out great. My kid is so darn handsome and he has such a good disposition, I can hardly stand it most of the time. He truly is the BEST thing to ever come into my life.

Here he is. My cute, cute boy. Yes, I took LOTS more, but here are my three favorites.


Max says who needs the candy and toys, the basket is JUST fine.


Max and Momma


Max in his Easter PJ's

I actually did not buy Max this Easter outfit or these PJ's. They are just some of the most wonderful clothes passed on to me by generous friends. I did buy him one cute summer baseball type outfit and have a Sears picture of him in it. I'll have to see if I can get them scanned.

Now, I KNOW I am his momma and a bit biased, but....isn't this guy a handsome one?

Mums the word…

Mums the word, but….

I’M CYCLING THIS MONTH!

I wasn’t planning to, but I went in on Friday to see my RE for a fluid u/s and before I could ask, he suggested looking at my ovaries to see what was going on. I had 2 nice follicles on my left, with a third smaller one. I think they were 12, 11, and 8. Nothing on my right, but that is fairly typical. Just got back from another u/s and they were 17, 13, and ?. I am triggering very late Wed. night/early Thurs. morning and doing an IUI on Friday afternoon at 1 pm.

I’m still on the high I get, most of the time, from going to my RE’s office.

It will be my first unmedicated IUI. My RE said why waste the free FSH that comes from weaning. Although I was thinking about it, I am glad he brought it up first. He feels like given my history, it has a good shot of working when I asked him if he thought it was worth wasting a vial of sperm.

So, here I am on the ttc roller coaster much earlier than planned. If it doesn’t work, we will do cd3 testing and go right into a medicated IUI. If that doesn’t work, I will go into the July IVF cycle. If that doesn’t work, I will only have three vials left and will take a break to re-evaluate.

I am excited and nervous and wanting it to work so badly and telling myself not to get my hopes up. If it works, my due date would be January 18, 2007*. I am an Aquarian and always wanted an Aquarian baby. In fact, it was all part of the “master” plan in my first ttc go round. The plan where my first choice would be to have a Jan./Feb baby and my last choice would have been to have a Jul/Aug baby. If this works, it really would be too good to be true. I know this, but I can’t help but hope.

Mum’s the word, because I have told very, very few people that I am doing this. If it works, I can surprise them. If not, then no harm no foul. I know that the will not necessarily a good one for many of my friends who have either been on an extended break or have continued to try unsuccessfully for their first. I still remember the pain of hearing of others get pregnant when I was still struggling. On the other hand, it would be so nice if this round could not have the pain and heart ache and ups/downs of the first round. It would be so nice if this works. Granted, it is unlikely, even if it does work, that I would get my twins. But, maybe I could go back for a third afterwards. Ah, I would like to have that problem.

If I do get pregnant, I will feel so blessed. If I get pregnant with twins on this cycle, I will laugh and laugh and laugh and know that it was meant to be. One of the few friends I told about this said, wow, you could be pregnant in 3 weeks. We both paused and said, wouldn’t that be great!

Hoping and praying over here. But, mum’s the word.


* I do not know why I do this to myself. Calculating the EDD. Each time I cycle, I swear that I will not do it because it just makes it all the harder if/when it doesn’t work.

Where’s Waldo?

I guess it has been awhile since I have been around and posted an update. Nothing much going on. Just haven’t felt like being on the computer. After Max is down for the night I have been catching up on things/people and escaping in fiction. I started a post about Max and how fast he is growing and changing and the clever new things he is doing these days, but I haven’t had a chance to finish it. Easter weekend was very nice. My sister and I decided to start a new tradition and celebrate on Saturday afternoon/evening. It worked out so well. Max and I both napped Easter morning, then I found a church service in the early afternoon. I’m glad I made that effort. Haven’t much felt like talking. Been in my own little world. Getting things done like taxes and bills and getting a new car seat, etc. Can you believe that Max has almost grown out of his infant seat? He is just 1 lbs shy of the weight limit and I think he has passed the length limit. I still miss my Lucky an awful lot. The other day, I forgot. Hard to believe. I don’t f eel like going into all the details because just thinking about it gets me upset all over. Shadow has really, really slowed down also. She wants to go out, but has no speed or endurance. This means that I am not getting the exercise and endorphin rush I am used to which isn’t helping. I just can’t leave her behind though. She is so excited (barking, tail waggin’ raring) at the start. Plus, I guess I am officially back on the ttc roller coaster. I did the PIO shot to force a period a few weeks ago and had a period this week. I go in for a fluid u/s tomorrow to make sure I’m polyp and fibroid free. The plan is to go with a medicated IUI and do cd3 testing on my first real cycle about a month from now. We will be doing the stim protocol that got me pregnant with Max…5 amps Gonal F for 2 days, dropping to 3 amps Gonal F and alternating in 1 amp of Repronex every other day. No Lupron. Not really looking forward to being back in the game. I want another kid (or two), but the ttc road is just so hard and emotional. I’m just hoping that it is a short run. I would not say I am depressed, but would say that I have been very moody lately. One minute laughing and having a great time, the next teary eyed and sad. The one thing I do know is that having Max is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is such a joy to be around. Sometimes, I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky. Those are the “highs”. Then, something happens, like eating pistachio’s, and I miss Lucky so much it hurts because I would give her the closed ones and she would crack them and shell them and eat the nut. Those are the “lows”. Then, Max will look at me and light up with a smile. And, on goes life.

“Time Waster”

Before I had Max, I was a very productive individual. Since having Max, I have become the biggest time waster. For example, right now. Max is asleep. I could shower. I could clean the kitchen/wash the dishes. I could sweep the floor picking up all of the dirt and mud I got everywhere from my hiking boots. I could call many of the friends and family I haven’t talked to all month because I have been in a funk. I could pay bills or at least look to see what bills need to be paid. Yet, here I sit. Playing on the computer. I am actually reading a book, but it is so bad I don’t think I can even be bothered to finish it. Sigh.

When I lost Lucky a few weeks ago, I read that it is better for the remaining pet if you keep to the schedule/routine you had before the loss. I decided the other day, that this isn’t helping me or Shadow, especially in the morning while hiking/nature walking. We have done the trails too many times with Lucky. Over the last year or so, we got into such a routine that we went the same direction and “rested” in the same spots. It was just breaking my heart every morning to do this without Lucky. Even harder has been the fact that Shadow has only been able to/wanted to do a ¼ - 1/3 of the trails that she was just doing a few weeks ago with Lucky. I don’t know if it is because it is less fun and exciting without Lucky or if she is just feeling her aches and pains more or it was too hard for her to be in the same place and smell Lucky’s pee mail scent or what. I haven’t pressured her.**** I have let her rest when she wanted. We turned around when she wanted. I was not comparing them or expecting Shadow to take Lucky’s place because they always did have such different personalities. But, it was breaking my heart.

I decided that we needed to break the routine a bit. So, yesterday, we went to a trail head we have gone on before, but instead of going left up to the water tower which we would have done with Lucky. We went right instead. Today, I decided to take Max and Shadow to the lizard park. My cousin had taken them both once or twice, but I think I only took them once. Instead, I turned to early, but decided to go down the road a bit to see what was there. Instead, we found a NEW place. A place with no Lucky memories. It has several very nice trails and a park with swings, and slides, and a little piano key pad built into the play structure. We had a nice walk with Shadow, then went into the play area and Max went on the swings, played with the piano, and I played him a few songs.* We all had a great time. I don’t know about Shadow, but Lucky was still “with” me. In fact, I started crying when I talked to a family that came as we were leaving about two of the trails that were posted as “No Entry”, but looked to be the most used/popular trails. Dog/animal people are great. I just explained my recent loss and how I was looking for new trails and new places through the tears. They understood. And, told me that they didn’t know anyone who didn’t go on the trails marked as no trespassing. Just as I thought, but it was nice to have it confirmed. We found a new place that can just be ours.

Max had a really bad nap day yesterday because I was a bad mom and hauled him to one of the local SMC get togethers. We both had a great time, but he only slept in the car, waking up as soon as we arrived both ways. So, instead of about a 3 hour (average) daily naps (split between am and pm), he got almost half of that. He got a bit whinny by the end of the day, but had a great night sleep (12 hours instead of his average of 10) if you don’t count waking up about 45 min. after I put him down crying and screaming for about 10 min. or waking up at 2:15 for about 10 min. due to gas.

Dear Friend that I Know Reads My Blog, But Shall Remain Nameless (you will KNOW if this is you :), I was thinking of you at 2:25 when I went to Max when he woke up. I could hear your voice telling me he didn’t need it. But, I warmed up and gave him a bottle anyway. I just couldn’t not, because I was already awake and I knew if I went in we would both get back to bed faster. Yes, he really just needed a bit of comfort and to be moved around a bit so he could get his gas out. A few ounces of bottle; a few big burps and farts; and he was back fast asleep. Probably, he would have eventually moved himself around enough to get the gas out and fallen back asleep. However, in the mean time, I would have been just laying there listening to him and getting more awake. So, I did it and only felt a little guilty for my pampering.

Really, since I have weaning Max, he is sleeping through much more. He was regularly waking up around 1 – 1:30 am for a snack and cuddle while I was still BF. He has slept through to somewhere between 4:30 and 6:15 ish almost every day since. Proof in point, that he doesn’t really NEED to be fed. On the other hand, the kid is still on the skinny side so any chance I have to feed him/fatten him up a bit, I take. Yes, we got a good report at the dr.’s last week, but he moved up from less that 5% for weight to about 20% for weight for his age. He still is a long skinny guy.

Speaking of bf, I was going to take that progesterone shot this weekend. But, I started leaking a lot yesterday afternoon and this morning. I could have sworn my milk dried up last Thursday. It has almost been a full week since I last BF Max. I was really surprised and yes, sad to see the milk still there. After I put Max down last night, I ordered in dinner (salad for yesterday dinner and today’s lunch), opened a bottle of wine, started reading a book (the bad one I don’t think I have the energy or desire to finish), and took a bath. While in the bath, I noticed I was easily able to get milk out of both nipples by just squeezing them a bit. I tried not to be too sad about that which used to be.

Loosing Lucky and stopping breastfeeding has been really hard on me emotionally. I am in a definite funk around here. Both have left a big hole. I wouldn’t say I am depressed, per se, but I am sad. I am very easy to tears. I am enjoying life and doing things. I’m going places and seeing people. But, behind it all, I just don’t have the inner joy and zest for life that I usually do. I’m (mostly) “present” with Max. Singing him songs, reading him books, telling him things, showing him things (we saw fire ants for the first time this morning). I just feel a bit more tired and down. I’m laughing and smiling when I feel like it. And, I am crying when I feel like that too.

I seriously thought last night, when in the bath, about starting to bf Max again, when I realized that my milk was still there. I decided that as hard as it is, I need to be going forward, not back. I am also finding myself wanting to be pregnant again. NOW. Right away. This is dangerous. The ttc path is too unpredictable. It may not happen, at all. It may not happen, right away. I keep cautioning myself to set more realistic expectations or better yet, no expectations as all. I am having a hard time with that.

I am anxious to get my period and get my medicated IUI out of the way. I think I have a realistic expectation around that and, in fact, found myself planning for it NOT working and doing the June IVF cycle.** What I need to watch out for is the expectation of doing the IVF cycle and having it work. Yes, I hope it will. Better yet, I get pregnant on the IUI before that. I need to watch out and protect my heart and emotions a bit. I need to remind myself that while I have a good shot at the IVF working, it is not a done deal. I tell myself, I need to have another plan, a back up plan, for if it doesn’t. I can’t get my arms around that. I can’t seem to do any planning past that. If the IVF fails, I will need to do some serious sole searching and I will likely take a sizable break for ttc to regroup.

I find myself thinking and getting excited about the idea of getting pregnant with twins. The logical rational part of me reminds me that I may not get pregnant again at all, but my heart doesn’t really believe that, which is why it will be so hard if the IVF doesn’t work. The logical rational part of me reminds me of how insane and hard having twins are as a single mom, let alone a single mom with such a young child already. I will have to make some major changes. I will have to move and get a bigger house; get a live in nanny; etc. I know it isn’t rational. I’m just saying that IF I were to get pregnant and IF it was twins, I would be okay with it. While in the past, my preference would have been 1) singleton 2) twins 3) not pregnant at all. My new preference in my heart of hearts is 1) twins, 2) singleton; 3) not pregnant at all. I’ve thought about it enough, I even told me RE this last week when I was in moving sperm and showing off Max.

This whole twin idea has really taken hold since I lost Lucky. It is not as if I feel like I can replace her with another child or another dog for that matter. It is just that my family, the family of my dreams, just seemed so much smaller..too small, now that she isn’t in my life anymore. Two children just don’t seem like enough now. I’ve been pondering this and wondering how health/unhealthy this attitude/feeling is. The thing is that I always wanted a large family with lots of children. I always saw myself as the Kool Aid mom. The house where all the kids came to play because it was fun and there were good snacks and toys (and I could keep a watchful eye on the shenanigans to make sure I approved). I just limited myself to two, in my thinking and planning prior to now, because of age and marital status in the past, not because of desire. Now, I am just questioning my own pre-established limits. Yes, I KNOW it will not be easy. I KNOW it will be very, very hard, especially the first few years. I’m okay with hard. I am okay with busy. I have never felt my life had to be easy or lived my life on easy street. More often than not I have taken the harder, more challenging path.

The whole twins, having 3 children instead of 2 thing has had me thinking a lot about “fate”. I have had my palm read several times and in typical Aquarian fashion picked up a book on palm reading and studied it a bit.*** Each time I have had my palm read, I was told I would have 3 children. When I had the miscarriage, I always wondered if that child “counted” in the three or not, since my “plan” was to only have two. I don’t know if I really believe in fate. I do know that I believe in it less than ever after having gone trough the first round of ttc and the m/c. It was so hurtful when people told me that it “wasn’t meant to be”; that I would get the child I was meant to get when the time was right. Yet, I have been thinking a lot about fate and God lately. The more skeptical side poo poohing fate. The more analytical side wondering. It felt like fate or divine intervention this morning when I took a wrong turn and found the new park/hiking trails this morning. It felt like God was saying, I know you heart is hurting and you and Shadow need this place to heal and Max needs this place to play and grow.

I am telling myself, maybe there is something to this fate thing, even though I don’t really want to believe it. If I had not gone down the ttc path that I did to conceive Max, I would not have the friends and support system that I have today. And, it is the BEST! I would never have imagined it a few years ago. I would not be the person I am today.

If I had not lost Lucky, I would NEVER have been at peace with having twins. It was always my worst fear in going through the process (behind not having a child at all).

I am telling myself that if I am able to conceive again and if it is a singleton, the child I lost via m/c “counted and I am done. I am telling myself that if I am able to conceive again and if it is twins, it is fate. It is the way it was meant to be and I needed to take the path I took to get to where it was okay. I have not yet and am not sure I ever will come to terms with the possibility that I will not be able to conceive more children. And, yet, one of the reasons I have found it so hard to stop breastfeeding is because I don’t ever see it “working” or working so well again. I always, always wanted to breastfeed and would have been really upset if I had not been able to do so with Max. I would LOVE to be able to do it again. It was just so special and worked so well with Max. I just can’t imagine it ever going so well again. I guess if I have twins, it will be harder/more challenging and may not be possible. If I am not able to conceive and move to adoption, I will not have that special time/relationship again.

Anyway, I am trying to tell myself that things will be what they will be. I may or may not conceive another child. I may or may not have twins. I am telling myself that while I often like to live in the future and “plan”, now is the time to live in the present. I need to not predict what will or will not happen. I need to live in the now. I need to cry when I feel like crying. I need to laugh when I feel like laughing. I need to reach out to my friends when I feel like I can give or need support. I need to love the animals I have in my life right now for who they are “now”. I need to love my son with all my heart and teach him and guide him and raise him to be the person he was meant to be. I need to cherish what “has been”, both the good and the bad; the happy and the sad. For it has all been part of what has made me, me. It has made me a person who I like and who I respect.

I guess, in thinking about it, maybe I haven’t been wasting time. I’ve been thinking, pondering, brooding, grieving, planning, analyzing. I have been searching within. Trying to find what is in my heart and that which I can life with and that which I can’t live without. I have been figuring out what makes me, me. It just looks and feels like nothing is getting accomplished. Yet it is hard, tiring work.


* This piano was really great. It had little metal “notes” with the letters of each note. Above them, were 4 different songs with the notes written in scale with the corresponding “letter” for each note. I played him two of them (Twinkle, Twinkle and London Bridge). He and I both loved it.
** At the SMC meeting yesterday, I was talking to the coordinator and offered to host in the summer saying that June would be better than July because I would likely be in the middle of the cycle.
*** You should see my library. I have an odd assortment of books that include palm reading, dream analysis, dog training, astronomy, etc. in addition to the novels, self help books, and most recently pregnancy and child rearing books.
**** If you don't count the new dog beds I bought for her/made to try to convince her to sleep with me in the office at during the day and in my bedroom at night.

Weekend Pics

Day 1:

Max and Momma - First Beach Trip. The fresh air did him in.






Day 2:

Mr. Max Under the Hat

Rough Morning

It was a rough morning around here. I guess the good news is that while Max and I both had tears, they weren’t both at the same time. So, it wasn’t all bad.

I was just missing Lucky something awful this morning. Just thinking about it and her is making me teary eyed all over again. I am glad she is out of pain, but I want her back. I miss her. Max, Shadow, City Boy are all great and I am glad there are in my life, but they aren’t Lucky. Neither of them hang out with me in my office during the day. I even tried to bribe Shadow with a new dog bed and moved the one she REALLY likes into the office. It didn’t work. Both Shadow and City Boy have decided that it is nice spring weather and want no part of being indoors.

I think so highly of my vet. She is the only vet that Lucky ever saw (before she went to specialists). When my vet moved practices back 7 + years ago, I moved with her. She knew how much I loved Lucky. She made a donation to The Companion Animal Memorial Fund (see www.vetmed.ucdavis.edu/ccah for more information) in memory. I got the letter in the mail last night. I am so touched that she did this.

And, Max finally had the early morning melt down fit I expected a few days ago between 4 am – 6 am this morning. He did NOT want the bottle. He did NOT want the pacifier. He wanted the boob. I held strong. All that pain the other day was a strong motivator for me. No way, now how did I want to go through that again. Plus, I think my milk is completely gone by now. I wasn’t taking any chances by trying to test it out. Don’t want to give false/mixed messages.

Plus, I am really sad that my milk is gone. I mean, I KNOW that is what I wanted and I consciously stopped breastfeeding, but I miss it. Max misses it. I hope it was done for a good cause and I actually am able to have another child or two. Yet, I know there are no guarantees. There is no guarantee that I will be able to have another child. There is no guarantee if I do that breastfeeding will go so well or that I will be able to successfully breastfeed again. I have made my decision and would make it again. But, it has been a very hard one for me. I am sad.

I am still feeling quite a bit out of sorts. I told myself that part of it is possibly a HORMONE shift due to stopping bf and my milk drying up. While intellectually, I know this, emotionally, I am still strung out today.

I think I will go give my little guy a hug and “cave in” tonight.

I know that this too shall pass. I have much to be grateful for. And, I am. Just today, I am feeling sad for what I once had and no longer do.

Blessed

I was thinking last night about how blessed I was. Yes, I was thinking this through the excruciating pain I was in. A friend emailed today recommending cabbage leaves tucked in your bra. Good information. To bad I didn’t have it yesterday. LOL. My RE recommended ice packs so I put those on for an hour before I went to bed and that helped some. Feeling much better today, just sore instead of pain. Last night wasn’t too bad from a Max battle perspective, especially considering that I was still so full and leaking all over everything and he had to smell it while I fed him the bottle of formula. Max woke up about 1 and drank 2 oz from a bottle, crying a pathetic little cry to let me know he wasn’t happy with the situation, but it wasn’t an all out battle. Then, he woke up around 4:30 am and drank another 3 oz. from a bottle again crying while drinking it down. Both times, he went immediately back to sleep.

I guess he was saving himself for this afternoon. Naomi had a doctor appointment this afternoon so I was in charge. Max should have been and was ready to go down for a nap around 2 pm. He did not actually fall asleep until 3:20 pm. He was seriously pissed off that I would not pacify him with the boob. He tried to attach through my bra and shirt. When I moved him, he tried to suckle my arm, my neck, whatever. What he DID NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE WANT was the bottle or the pacifier. I guess it was a good thing that yesterday was so painful and so fresh in my mind because it kept me from caving and giving in. Finally, in frustration (on both are parts), I just left him in his crib to scream bloody murder at the injustice and his displeasure. He fell asleep 10 min. later (or he suffocated himself…I haven’t gone to check cause I don’t want to wake him up).

Anyway, last night, while in considerable pain, I was thinking about how blessed I was for many, many reasons. One of which was the fact that I had a child with whom BF was so successful that it was harder to stop than to start or continue.

Another was what a great local support system I have with SMC’s or people that I met through the SMC group.

Got to go. Mr. Max decided that a 40 min. nap was enough after his 80 min. fit pre-nap. I’m going to go hug my baby and take him for a nice walk now that the weather has cleared up some.

The End (and other quick updates)

Weekend = Great Time = Tired

Max’s Recheck = Impressive Weight Gain = Ear Infection Completely Gone

Breastfeeding = Officially Stopped = Much Pain = Can’t Concentrate Or Do Anything Productive, except eat Easter candy that I should have never pre-purchased

T42 = Swimmers Moved And At Clinic = Progesterone In Hand To Force Period

The Plan = Force Period = Wait Until 1st “Real” Period = Try Medicated IUI (hopefully in May)

The Other Plan = If/When Medicated IUI Doesn’t Work, Move to IVF (hopefully in June cycle)

Have I mentioned how much pain I was in? I have certainly had MUCH MUCH MUCH more pain in stopping breast feeding than in doing it. This really hurts (in case I haven’t mentioned it). Good thing I wasn’t in this much pain last night when Max and I were having our battle of wills over this. Luckily, the battle was fought between 11:15 pm – 1:30 am instead of between 2 am – 6 am. The over riding “rules” were 1) DO NOT CAVE and give him the breast 2) DO NOT, under any circumstance, bring him into bed with you (because it would be too easy to unconsciously feed him while still asleep).

We will see what tonight brings. I hope I am not in as much pain by then.

For the first time since Max was born, I came across a situation where it would have been better or easier if I was doing this with a partner or a “daddy’. This whole weaning thing. I think it would have gone much smoother if someone else was giving him the bottle, pacifier, or soothing him. With me, he could smell the milk as I was leaking all over the place. The boob/milk was right there. He was frustrated because he couldn’t understand WHY I was depriving him when it was RIGHT there. Needless to say, it was hard. Made harder because it was me instead of someone else. Made harder because breastfeeding was enjoyable and went exceedingly well for both of us.

It has been much harder and more painful mentally and physically to stop breastfeeding that it ever was to start or continue – for ME (and for Max).