No time to completely redo my labs post from the other day, but below are the basics. These were taken on cd3 from earlier in the month.
High
FSH – 11.9. Yes, high, but not as high as last month at almost 20 so I was fine with this.
Insulin – 21 and range was <17 uIU/mL
Low
Inhibin B – Was disappointed in this test as it only gave a range of over 30 (pre-menopausal) or under 30 (post menopausal). Wasn’t thrilled with being in an post menopause category and the fact that it was just a range. I knew I was under 30 (7 at last test), but I wanted to see if it increased at all like my FSH decreased. I’m going to ask that it be retested again on cd3 assuming this latest cycle didn’t work.
Fine
Estradiol – 42
Thyroid Panel
T3 – 27 (25-35%); T4 Total – 8.9 (4.5-12.5 mcg/dL); Free T4 – 2.4 (1.4 -3.8)
Glucose – 76, In Range (65-99 mg/dL)
CBC (Complete Blood Count) – lots of values, all fine
Urinalysis – basically fine, several values were out of range, but I was on cd3 and the sample contained blood, consistent with the findings.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Swimmers On Board
Max and I were up and out of the house very early to walk the dog then to the clinic for my IUI this morning. The sperm motility and such weren’t the best, but they were fine. The timing wasn’t perfect in that I had already ovulated* enough that the follicle was no longer seen, but I think still within an acceptable range that if it was a good egg there is still a chance. I guess since the egg was already there that if fertilization occurred, it would have already occurred by now. And, I’m now in yet another 2 week wait.
I was playing with Max in the spare room yesterday (rather Max was standing on his first climber slide, which has been stored in that room since it rained a few months ago, to reach the TV that is on a tall dresser playing with the buttons – on, off, changing channels, etc. while trying not to be too bored) and I came across a magic 8 ball someone at some point had left. I asked it two questions 1) Am I going to get pregnant this month? The magic 8 ball responded “YES”. 2) Am I going to get a live child as a result of the pregnancy? The m8b responded “Don’t Count On It”. And, there you have it.
I started dex this morning (probably would have started it over the weekend if I had thought about in then) and a drug called Rosiglitazone (which sadly insurance didn’t cover and I have pretty good insurance coverage). The dex is as a precaution since I have gotten pregnant 3 times and miscarried the two times I was not taking dex. Likely due to egg quality issues, but why take the chance. The Rosiglitazone is a drug used for Type 2 Diabetes. I do not have Type 2 Diabetes, but my insulin was a bit high (which you would already know if my lab posted didn’t get lost the other day). High insulin can affect egg quality. The drug is a category 3 drug so I’ll stop it immediately if I do get a positive beta in a few weeks. If not, maybe it will help the egg quality in a future cycle.
Not that I’m going to cancel my mammogram and sonocine breast u/s later this week, but I have decided that I should probably be more worried about heart disease and Type 2 Diabetes than breast cancer. The fine print on the Rosiglitazone (marketed as Avandia) indicates it can worsen heart disease if indicated. The combination of the high insulin, the ligature about the adverse affects, and some minor (very, very minor chest discomfort that I think was probably muscular related to better posture from some new bra’s I purchased and going to the chiropractor last week) has given me the kick I needed to really watch my carb intake and set up a physical to get a baseline. I have been thinking what is the point of having another child if my life is cut short for things within my control. And, Max (and any possible future children whether conceived with my own eggs or not) deserve to have as healthy a parent a possible. I really, really enjoy my carb’s. I’m only two days in and mourning the loss. I really need to get to the grocery store as I am out of almost everything (been weeks and weeks since I have done a big shop). I just keep repeating to myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I’m going to asked to have my Insulin level ** retest when I have my beta to see if there is any downward trend to help keep my motivated.
When I first started this ttc process many, many years ago. I used to get so excited right after an IUI thinking of the possibility. Today, it was just one more thing that needed to get done. I’m not unexcited, but I can’t say I’m hyped up either. Probably, lack of sleep; Max and I having our 4th or 5th cold in about 6 weeks; and less food/carbs isn’t helping.
Funny thing I have realized about 2 ww’s recently though is that they are, for me, much easier now than in the beginning. I have a lot more to occupy me (read a very active toddler) and a more realistic attitude about the odds for each given cycle.
So, the swimmers have already done their job by now or now. And, now we wait.
* I was always so darn paranoid about ovulating early that Dr. N let me come in several times and we did an IUI a day early just in case and I never, not once, ovulated prior to the 36 hour mark. Last month, I was ovulating at the 36 hour mark and could see it on the u/s and this month I had already ovulated. Dr. Q said I had “just” ovulated, but it had to have been longer than that since the follicle had already collapsed. He forgets I know these things.
** My insulin was 21 and in range should be <17 so it was high, but not crazy high. My fasting glucose was middle of the road at 76 and in range is between 65 – 99.
I was playing with Max in the spare room yesterday (rather Max was standing on his first climber slide, which has been stored in that room since it rained a few months ago, to reach the TV that is on a tall dresser playing with the buttons – on, off, changing channels, etc. while trying not to be too bored) and I came across a magic 8 ball someone at some point had left. I asked it two questions 1) Am I going to get pregnant this month? The magic 8 ball responded “YES”. 2) Am I going to get a live child as a result of the pregnancy? The m8b responded “Don’t Count On It”. And, there you have it.
I started dex this morning (probably would have started it over the weekend if I had thought about in then) and a drug called Rosiglitazone (which sadly insurance didn’t cover and I have pretty good insurance coverage). The dex is as a precaution since I have gotten pregnant 3 times and miscarried the two times I was not taking dex. Likely due to egg quality issues, but why take the chance. The Rosiglitazone is a drug used for Type 2 Diabetes. I do not have Type 2 Diabetes, but my insulin was a bit high (which you would already know if my lab posted didn’t get lost the other day). High insulin can affect egg quality. The drug is a category 3 drug so I’ll stop it immediately if I do get a positive beta in a few weeks. If not, maybe it will help the egg quality in a future cycle.
Not that I’m going to cancel my mammogram and sonocine breast u/s later this week, but I have decided that I should probably be more worried about heart disease and Type 2 Diabetes than breast cancer. The fine print on the Rosiglitazone (marketed as Avandia) indicates it can worsen heart disease if indicated. The combination of the high insulin, the ligature about the adverse affects, and some minor (very, very minor chest discomfort that I think was probably muscular related to better posture from some new bra’s I purchased and going to the chiropractor last week) has given me the kick I needed to really watch my carb intake and set up a physical to get a baseline. I have been thinking what is the point of having another child if my life is cut short for things within my control. And, Max (and any possible future children whether conceived with my own eggs or not) deserve to have as healthy a parent a possible. I really, really enjoy my carb’s. I’m only two days in and mourning the loss. I really need to get to the grocery store as I am out of almost everything (been weeks and weeks since I have done a big shop). I just keep repeating to myself that it will all be worth it in the end. I’m going to asked to have my Insulin level ** retest when I have my beta to see if there is any downward trend to help keep my motivated.
When I first started this ttc process many, many years ago. I used to get so excited right after an IUI thinking of the possibility. Today, it was just one more thing that needed to get done. I’m not unexcited, but I can’t say I’m hyped up either. Probably, lack of sleep; Max and I having our 4th or 5th cold in about 6 weeks; and less food/carbs isn’t helping.
Funny thing I have realized about 2 ww’s recently though is that they are, for me, much easier now than in the beginning. I have a lot more to occupy me (read a very active toddler) and a more realistic attitude about the odds for each given cycle.
So, the swimmers have already done their job by now or now. And, now we wait.
* I was always so darn paranoid about ovulating early that Dr. N let me come in several times and we did an IUI a day early just in case and I never, not once, ovulated prior to the 36 hour mark. Last month, I was ovulating at the 36 hour mark and could see it on the u/s and this month I had already ovulated. Dr. Q said I had “just” ovulated, but it had to have been longer than that since the follicle had already collapsed. He forgets I know these things.
** My insulin was 21 and in range should be <17 so it was high, but not crazy high. My fasting glucose was middle of the road at 76 and in range is between 65 – 99.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Remember, not cycling
Remember, I’m not cycling this month. That’s why I didn’t call the clinic* on a whim and go in for an u/s yesterday afternoon when I felt a nice plump follicle on the left side. That’s why the u/s I didn’t have didn’t show a 17 mm follicle and a good lining at 10.something. That’s why I didn’t trigger about 10 minutes ago. And, that’s why I won’t be going in for an IUI at 7:15 am Monday morning with Max in toe. Well, you know. I have no self control, that’s why I had to go on BCP’s last month. After all, this month could be the good egg; the one for which I have been waiting. Yes, it’s unlikely, but possible. HAHAHAHA, yeah, not cycling. Hey, if this one works, it will be the first time I’ve ever gotten pregnant on an unmedicated cycle. Yes, yes, I know, it’s unlikely. But possible.
I did a post up the other day going through all of my labs and what’s been going on since I last posted, but apparently – sadly-- that post is lost without ever having been published. And, since Max woke up at 3:30 am soaked completely through and never went back to sleep, I’m wiped out and going to pick up a bit and then crash.
* I heart my clinic. When I called to see if they had any doc’s in late on a Friday afternoon and if they had any openings for an u/s, they laughed told me yes Dr. Q was in; no they didn’t have any openings; but get here when I get here and they would fit me in. I love that kind of service. I really do.
I did a post up the other day going through all of my labs and what’s been going on since I last posted, but apparently – sadly-- that post is lost without ever having been published. And, since Max woke up at 3:30 am soaked completely through and never went back to sleep, I’m wiped out and going to pick up a bit and then crash.
* I heart my clinic. When I called to see if they had any doc’s in late on a Friday afternoon and if they had any openings for an u/s, they laughed told me yes Dr. Q was in; no they didn’t have any openings; but get here when I get here and they would fit me in. I love that kind of service. I really do.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Not Cycling
I’m not cycling this month. I’m not. Although I did have a brief thought of trying to get in early next week after our trip to see if anything is growing. I probably won’t because I think I still have a cyst or two left over from my last cycle in spite of being on BCP’s for a month.
Even though I’m not cycling, I did cd3 labs today and a bunch of other things. Well, you know, just because. A total of 8 tests.
I also saw Dr. P today. First time since Dr. N’s funereal. It was a bit hard and we both got teary eyed. I went in because I had heard that breast u/s were better than mammograms and my friends cancer was discovered by an u/s, not a mammogram. It turns out that an MRI is the best and what ultimately discovered H’s cancer (talked to her after my appointment), but it is thousands and insurance won’t cover it. So, I’m doing second best and getting a screening mammogram and a Sonocine Whole Breast Ultrasound. Insurance also won’t cover it (will self bill to see if I can get insurance to pay if the provider won’t bill on my behalf), but it is only $300 and I’m getting $50 off for agreeing to be in the FDA study.
Poor Max. He had such a hard time settling tonight. I think he is still not asleep, but is at least quiet in his crib. Rarely. Very, very rarely do we have problems at bed time. Tonight is one of them. Since I over analyzed the situation while trying to get him to settle, I decided there were three contributing factors. One, a bit over tired since he woke up early (and cranky) from his nap. Two, a bit of gas and possibly a tummy ache. He kept farting and saying “ugh, ugh, poo, poo”. Three, a big memorable afternoon. When he woke up crabby from his nap, he wanted to see the “chu choo” video (Baby Einstein’s On the Go”) and then wanted to see a real train. I gave Noemi directions to the train depot (Max and I have been going after our morning walk on the weekends and have seen a few trains, one really close up), but she was hesitant (doesn’t like going new places unless I have shown her how to get there by physically driving there and back). Instead, she took Max on the Metrolink bus for an outing for the first time. He came home saying “chu choo”, but I told him it wasn’t a train it was a bus (started saying bus just yesterday for the first time) and the rest of the night he kept saying “no chu choo, bus, bus, bus, bus, bus”. That kid of mine is a smart one. I’m amazed at how good his comprehension is and is vocabulary is getting better and bigger all the time.
I briefly thought over the weekend that maybe I could be happy with just one. I’ve been thinking about it on and off, but really don’t think that is the answer for me or my family. Dr. P and I talked about me moving to DE vs. adoption and having a sibling or two or holding steady with Max. I know if I try DE and it fails (including any FET’s assuming there is anything to freeze), I’m done. But, I still feel like I need to try a few more times on my own and then move to DE. So, I’m not cycling, but I’m thinking about it.
In other news, my new acu has gone up in my personal opinion poll. She recommended acidophilus for my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and within minutes of taking it, I felt so much better. It was quite incredible. She also recommended a bunch of other things that I also got and am taking, but that acidophilus man. I felt a noticeable improvement not just in my bowels, but in general across my entire body. And, I am so much less hungry after taking it. She told me that would likely happen since my body hasn’t been absorbing nutrients it was in a feedback loop telling me I was hungry to eat more to try to get nutrients. She also explained how and why it worked (good bacteria in the intestines) and that it could also be used for constipation. All I know is that finally, I think I have found something that will help instead of the Imodium AD which prevented “accidents” when I couldn’t be near a toilet. I didn’t realize how much the IBS was dragging me down until I started getting some relief. I see the acu again tomorrow before heading out on our trip (not packed, have no lists created on what I need to take, don’t even know what suitcase to use and may go buy a new one). So many things to do, most of which I don’t feel like doing. I do think I will go have dinner (yikes, already 8:30), take a warm bath, and read of a bit.
Even though I’m not cycling, I did cd3 labs today and a bunch of other things. Well, you know, just because. A total of 8 tests.
I also saw Dr. P today. First time since Dr. N’s funereal. It was a bit hard and we both got teary eyed. I went in because I had heard that breast u/s were better than mammograms and my friends cancer was discovered by an u/s, not a mammogram. It turns out that an MRI is the best and what ultimately discovered H’s cancer (talked to her after my appointment), but it is thousands and insurance won’t cover it. So, I’m doing second best and getting a screening mammogram and a Sonocine Whole Breast Ultrasound. Insurance also won’t cover it (will self bill to see if I can get insurance to pay if the provider won’t bill on my behalf), but it is only $300 and I’m getting $50 off for agreeing to be in the FDA study.
Poor Max. He had such a hard time settling tonight. I think he is still not asleep, but is at least quiet in his crib. Rarely. Very, very rarely do we have problems at bed time. Tonight is one of them. Since I over analyzed the situation while trying to get him to settle, I decided there were three contributing factors. One, a bit over tired since he woke up early (and cranky) from his nap. Two, a bit of gas and possibly a tummy ache. He kept farting and saying “ugh, ugh, poo, poo”. Three, a big memorable afternoon. When he woke up crabby from his nap, he wanted to see the “chu choo” video (Baby Einstein’s On the Go”) and then wanted to see a real train. I gave Noemi directions to the train depot (Max and I have been going after our morning walk on the weekends and have seen a few trains, one really close up), but she was hesitant (doesn’t like going new places unless I have shown her how to get there by physically driving there and back). Instead, she took Max on the Metrolink bus for an outing for the first time. He came home saying “chu choo”, but I told him it wasn’t a train it was a bus (started saying bus just yesterday for the first time) and the rest of the night he kept saying “no chu choo, bus, bus, bus, bus, bus”. That kid of mine is a smart one. I’m amazed at how good his comprehension is and is vocabulary is getting better and bigger all the time.
I briefly thought over the weekend that maybe I could be happy with just one. I’ve been thinking about it on and off, but really don’t think that is the answer for me or my family. Dr. P and I talked about me moving to DE vs. adoption and having a sibling or two or holding steady with Max. I know if I try DE and it fails (including any FET’s assuming there is anything to freeze), I’m done. But, I still feel like I need to try a few more times on my own and then move to DE. So, I’m not cycling, but I’m thinking about it.
In other news, my new acu has gone up in my personal opinion poll. She recommended acidophilus for my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and within minutes of taking it, I felt so much better. It was quite incredible. She also recommended a bunch of other things that I also got and am taking, but that acidophilus man. I felt a noticeable improvement not just in my bowels, but in general across my entire body. And, I am so much less hungry after taking it. She told me that would likely happen since my body hasn’t been absorbing nutrients it was in a feedback loop telling me I was hungry to eat more to try to get nutrients. She also explained how and why it worked (good bacteria in the intestines) and that it could also be used for constipation. All I know is that finally, I think I have found something that will help instead of the Imodium AD which prevented “accidents” when I couldn’t be near a toilet. I didn’t realize how much the IBS was dragging me down until I started getting some relief. I see the acu again tomorrow before heading out on our trip (not packed, have no lists created on what I need to take, don’t even know what suitcase to use and may go buy a new one). So many things to do, most of which I don’t feel like doing. I do think I will go have dinner (yikes, already 8:30), take a warm bath, and read of a bit.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Cd1
Today is yet another cycle day one. I have decided not to “try” again this month, but not go on the pill again either this month. I have to be out of town for a long weekend next week during prime monitoring time and I do not yet feel ready.
I’m feeling (and have been) much better than when I last posted. It must have been related to a cold/sinus thing and all of a sudden, I just started feeling better with more energy and more like myself. Max hasn’t been so lucky and still isn’t feeling great. Yesterday, we had a busy day planned, but I made sure to get him home for a nap after a busy morning before heading out again. Well, we did not end up going out again as planned since he napped until 5 pm after being put in the crib at 12:30, which is 30 min. later than normal and he didn’t fall asleep right away for about 45 minutes. Still this was a very long nap for him.
-- It never fails that when I sit down to blog the phone rings and/or Max wake up. The phone just rang (ignored) waking Max up. Damn. More later. Maybe. --
I’m feeling (and have been) much better than when I last posted. It must have been related to a cold/sinus thing and all of a sudden, I just started feeling better with more energy and more like myself. Max hasn’t been so lucky and still isn’t feeling great. Yesterday, we had a busy day planned, but I made sure to get him home for a nap after a busy morning before heading out again. Well, we did not end up going out again as planned since he napped until 5 pm after being put in the crib at 12:30, which is 30 min. later than normal and he didn’t fall asleep right away for about 45 minutes. Still this was a very long nap for him.
-- It never fails that when I sit down to blog the phone rings and/or Max wake up. The phone just rang (ignored) waking Max up. Damn. More later. Maybe. --
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Tap’d Out and Tired
One of the reasons I haven’t been around much is that I’ve been feeling very tapped out and tired lately. Max and I have both had one cold/cough after another which may be partially allergies. During the day (mostly the afternoon) all I can think about is sleep. I’ve been sleeping like crap again lately. I’m falling asleep exhausted around 9 – 10 pm and waking up sometime between 2 -4 am and not able to get back to sleep.
Max is great, but feeling a bit low key as well. On Saturday morning, after our morning walk and breakfast, we did NOTHING but hang out around the house. We haven’t done that since he was an infant. I think we both needed it. Yes, this means he watched probably too much TV. He has been into the Sesame Street 25th Anniversary Music Addition DVD. He has probably watched it 10 – 15 times in the last week and nothing else. He calls it the LA LA for the main song in there. It is so cute to see him. They have one scene where 2 guys do a really fast tap dance. Max has started doing it with them. Hilarious to see!
Easter was fine. Low key, but busy and tiring. Heck, taking Max to church on a normal Sunday wears me out. Easter Sunday was crazy with all the people and the longer service. At one point, I was standing on the side isle way down about 4 steps with about 3 other parents watching 7 boys running around playing who just could not be contained. It was funny. Then, we (my mom, Max, and I) met a friend for brunch.
I have an appointment with a new acupuncturist tomorrow. I had a consult with her the other day. We ended up talking for at least 40 min. and maybe even a bit longer. I actually found her a bit annoying, mostly because she was so “positive” and talking to me like I was new to this whole process. I’m so past the whole “visualization” thing. I kept thinking, why do you have so much time to talk to me when I initiated the call and then was able to get in 2 days later on the day/time that worked best for me. Clearly, she isn’t busy, but doesn’t sound like she is starting up. I’m going to give her a try for a treatment or two to see how it goes because the location and price are right and I can deal with annoying if she knows what she’s doing and the treatment helps to get me back on track (energy, sleep, IBS).
I set up an appointment to talk to my OB next week since apparently I can’t get a referral for a breast u/s (instead of a mammogram) without that first. I wish I was feeling less emotional before seeing her. No way will I see her and Dr. N not come up. If I had to see her today, I’d cry. Don’t know about her.
Yesterday was a really hard day emotionally around Shadow. It just hit me hard how close to the end she is. We went to one of her favorite parks this morning and she walked around and checked out the picnic area’s while Max played in the car and I split the difference keeping my eye on both of them. She was so happy to be out and around, but tired quickly. I got Max out of the car to go to the other side of the park, which Shadow clearly wanted to do, but then she got tired and had trouble walking again so we went back to the car. I sat and petted her for another 20 minutes while she got the fresh air, scents from the breeze, and to watch the squirrels and such while Max played in the car some more (one of his favorite things to do).
Anyway, not much going on. Same ole, same ole of life. Working, seeing friends, keeping up with the house, hanging out with Max.
I decided I’m for sure not cycling again this next month, but am not going to go back on the pill. Last pill is in a few days.
I leave for a long weekend in Arizona a week from Friday. I’m so not ready. I need to make a list of things to get done and pack. I’ve rented a crib and some age appropriate toys for Max at the destination site and arraigned for my dog walker to come take care of Shadow and City boy. However, that’s it.
I know I should be more excited about going but thinking about it…the trip and all involved…just tires me out even more. It feels like more of an obligation than a vacation. And, really, it basically is as I’m going to be confirmation sponsor for my cousin’s daughter. I’m not the only one visiting. My mom is also going and my cousins mother in law and sister in law (both of who I know well) will also be there. I’m sure it will be fine. However, I think I am already annoying my cousin a bit. She can’t understand why I felt the need to rent a crib for Max (no way would a pack n play work for him now…he is too darn big and could (and would) climb out in 2 seconds flat) and why I would not agree to letting a 12 year old I have never met watch Max during the confirmation service (granted at the church in the cry room), which is to be held right at his dinner/bed time. The thing is, I could really care less if she thinks I’m an uptight neurotic mom. I’m confident enough in my parenting abilities and what works and would not work for my family that I will explain my reasoning, but don’t feel like I need to justify myself.
I wish I felt better, happier, more energetic than I do right now. But, I’m not up for being someone I’m not or pretending. I guess that’s one of the reasons I have been so quite (mainly I just haven’t felt like being on the computer any longer than I have had to for work). I don’t have much to say. Things aren’t bad, horrible, drama. They just are.
Max is great, but feeling a bit low key as well. On Saturday morning, after our morning walk and breakfast, we did NOTHING but hang out around the house. We haven’t done that since he was an infant. I think we both needed it. Yes, this means he watched probably too much TV. He has been into the Sesame Street 25th Anniversary Music Addition DVD. He has probably watched it 10 – 15 times in the last week and nothing else. He calls it the LA LA for the main song in there. It is so cute to see him. They have one scene where 2 guys do a really fast tap dance. Max has started doing it with them. Hilarious to see!
Easter was fine. Low key, but busy and tiring. Heck, taking Max to church on a normal Sunday wears me out. Easter Sunday was crazy with all the people and the longer service. At one point, I was standing on the side isle way down about 4 steps with about 3 other parents watching 7 boys running around playing who just could not be contained. It was funny. Then, we (my mom, Max, and I) met a friend for brunch.
I have an appointment with a new acupuncturist tomorrow. I had a consult with her the other day. We ended up talking for at least 40 min. and maybe even a bit longer. I actually found her a bit annoying, mostly because she was so “positive” and talking to me like I was new to this whole process. I’m so past the whole “visualization” thing. I kept thinking, why do you have so much time to talk to me when I initiated the call and then was able to get in 2 days later on the day/time that worked best for me. Clearly, she isn’t busy, but doesn’t sound like she is starting up. I’m going to give her a try for a treatment or two to see how it goes because the location and price are right and I can deal with annoying if she knows what she’s doing and the treatment helps to get me back on track (energy, sleep, IBS).
I set up an appointment to talk to my OB next week since apparently I can’t get a referral for a breast u/s (instead of a mammogram) without that first. I wish I was feeling less emotional before seeing her. No way will I see her and Dr. N not come up. If I had to see her today, I’d cry. Don’t know about her.
Yesterday was a really hard day emotionally around Shadow. It just hit me hard how close to the end she is. We went to one of her favorite parks this morning and she walked around and checked out the picnic area’s while Max played in the car and I split the difference keeping my eye on both of them. She was so happy to be out and around, but tired quickly. I got Max out of the car to go to the other side of the park, which Shadow clearly wanted to do, but then she got tired and had trouble walking again so we went back to the car. I sat and petted her for another 20 minutes while she got the fresh air, scents from the breeze, and to watch the squirrels and such while Max played in the car some more (one of his favorite things to do).
Anyway, not much going on. Same ole, same ole of life. Working, seeing friends, keeping up with the house, hanging out with Max.
I decided I’m for sure not cycling again this next month, but am not going to go back on the pill. Last pill is in a few days.
I leave for a long weekend in Arizona a week from Friday. I’m so not ready. I need to make a list of things to get done and pack. I’ve rented a crib and some age appropriate toys for Max at the destination site and arraigned for my dog walker to come take care of Shadow and City boy. However, that’s it.
I know I should be more excited about going but thinking about it…the trip and all involved…just tires me out even more. It feels like more of an obligation than a vacation. And, really, it basically is as I’m going to be confirmation sponsor for my cousin’s daughter. I’m not the only one visiting. My mom is also going and my cousins mother in law and sister in law (both of who I know well) will also be there. I’m sure it will be fine. However, I think I am already annoying my cousin a bit. She can’t understand why I felt the need to rent a crib for Max (no way would a pack n play work for him now…he is too darn big and could (and would) climb out in 2 seconds flat) and why I would not agree to letting a 12 year old I have never met watch Max during the confirmation service (granted at the church in the cry room), which is to be held right at his dinner/bed time. The thing is, I could really care less if she thinks I’m an uptight neurotic mom. I’m confident enough in my parenting abilities and what works and would not work for my family that I will explain my reasoning, but don’t feel like I need to justify myself.
I wish I felt better, happier, more energetic than I do right now. But, I’m not up for being someone I’m not or pretending. I guess that’s one of the reasons I have been so quite (mainly I just haven’t felt like being on the computer any longer than I have had to for work). I don’t have much to say. Things aren’t bad, horrible, drama. They just are.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Don’t want to be a grown up today - edited
Shadow. My dear, dear Shadow.
I’m sitting here crying while working/trying to work glad because I don’t have back to back meetings this morning. I don’t know what to do. Or, rather, I think I do know what to do, but I don’t want to do it.
My Shadow is 16 now and has been struggling more and more lately. I have towels and rugs all over the tile floor because she has been slipping and not able to walk on them. She still loves to go on her twice a day walks. She knows when I start getting ready and gets so excited. At least 4 – 5 days a week, we go to a park and while it is hard for her to get in and out of the car she is so happy and starts barking in joy when we get there. She is so happy to go. She does get tired and sit and rest as needed. It is actually easier on us all when we go to a park because I can let her off-leash and she and Max can go at there own pace. When we go around the neighborhood, it is slightly harder because Max has gotten fast and Shadow has slowed down, But still, both are thrilled to go.
This morning Max slept in a bit late after a busy day yesterday and getting to bed a bit late/having a hard time settling. Since it was so late, no time for a trip to the park. As I start pulling things together, Shadow is happy as always following me around ready to go. We start to leave and Max insist on the “car” instead of the stroller so I go back and swap it out and we get ready to go and Shadow just can’t do it. She wants to go, but just can’t physically make it. She’s trying taking little baby steps that just have to be painful. I stop and she stops. I ask her what she wants to do and she lays down. So, I close the gate and start to take just Max and start to cry cause I just can’t leave her. I just do a quick trip around the front yard and back. Now, Max starts crying cause we are headed back, but as soon as I open the gate and go back in. Shadow just lights up and is glad we didn’t go without her.
For the first time ever that I have been in town and not in the hospital or something, we didn’t walk this morning. I feel so darn sad. I also feel a little selfish because I’m not ready to loose her and be a family without a dog. Max just loves her so and is always calling her “Sha” and giving her hugs. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t make it through summer this year. I was hoping she would at least make it to summer. I can’t seem to make myself pick up the phone and call the vet. The thing is that she can still get up and walk around the house. She is lying next to me right now. Her senses are all there (except for her hearing I think). She is alert mentally. Physically, her body is failing her.
God, I don’t know what to do and yet I do but don’t want to do it. And, when I should do it. I don’t think I can do it today. Selfishly, I want to go right now and try to take her for a short walk just down the driveway, maybe a house or two just to see so that if she can do it, I can hold off making this decision. I wish I had a partner right now that loved Shadow as much as I do that I can discuss this. Someone to share the burden and sorrow.
I don’t want to put Shadow down before her time, but how do you know for sure. Max and I love her and she loves us.
Sometimes life just sucks. Lately, it seems like it sucks more often than it should.
I don’t think I can do this today. I’m not ready yet, but soon. I think very, very soon I will have to make this decision that which I don’t want to make.
ETA: I did take a break from work and take Shadow for a little walk*. She was able to do it although slowly and I think it was just long enough without being too long. She was able to stop and sniff wherever she wanted without us having to keep up with Max. Since it is later, it is hotter which is hard on her with her thick black coat, but she did just fine. I’m going to give her lots of extra love over the next few days, take the time to brush her out and giver her more attention that she has gotten lately. I’m glad I don’t have to make the decision today or likely even tomorrow. I know I’ll have to make it soon and whenever it is, I will not be ready.
I’ve also been thinking about getting another dog. I have said that once Shadow goes, I won’t get another dog until Max is older and can care for it and it can be his dog. The thing is, I don’t think I can wait. I never had dogs before Shadow and Lucky, but they have affected my life so. I don’t think I can be a person without a dog in my life now that I have had them in my life. And, I don’t think I want my son growing up without a dog in his life. Forget logic and reason and the fact that my life would be way easier and less complicated. This family needs a dog. One way or another. I’m going to watch Shadow and love her and when the time is right (and I’m hoping I know when that is for both of us), then I’ll make the decisions that have to be made. Thank god I don’t have to make it today.
* One of the reasons that walking Shadow on a regular basis is so important…other than the use it or lose it theory... is that she will (almost) only go #2 when on walks. She will pee in the yard, but mostly only when I walk her out back and wait. She no longer uses the doggie door at all and waits for me to take her out. I can usually tell because she will get a bit fidgety (without moving or getting up) and she will follow me out and relieve herself. It isn’t that she couldn’t go in the backyard, it is just that the motion of walking seems to get things moving for her. I guess if we waited long enough, eventually she would go out to poo, but with regular walking it has never been an issue. My poor Shadow. I hate to see her struggle so, but she does still have joy and a decent quality of life and plenty of love from her family.
I’m sitting here crying while working/trying to work glad because I don’t have back to back meetings this morning. I don’t know what to do. Or, rather, I think I do know what to do, but I don’t want to do it.
My Shadow is 16 now and has been struggling more and more lately. I have towels and rugs all over the tile floor because she has been slipping and not able to walk on them. She still loves to go on her twice a day walks. She knows when I start getting ready and gets so excited. At least 4 – 5 days a week, we go to a park and while it is hard for her to get in and out of the car she is so happy and starts barking in joy when we get there. She is so happy to go. She does get tired and sit and rest as needed. It is actually easier on us all when we go to a park because I can let her off-leash and she and Max can go at there own pace. When we go around the neighborhood, it is slightly harder because Max has gotten fast and Shadow has slowed down, But still, both are thrilled to go.
This morning Max slept in a bit late after a busy day yesterday and getting to bed a bit late/having a hard time settling. Since it was so late, no time for a trip to the park. As I start pulling things together, Shadow is happy as always following me around ready to go. We start to leave and Max insist on the “car” instead of the stroller so I go back and swap it out and we get ready to go and Shadow just can’t do it. She wants to go, but just can’t physically make it. She’s trying taking little baby steps that just have to be painful. I stop and she stops. I ask her what she wants to do and she lays down. So, I close the gate and start to take just Max and start to cry cause I just can’t leave her. I just do a quick trip around the front yard and back. Now, Max starts crying cause we are headed back, but as soon as I open the gate and go back in. Shadow just lights up and is glad we didn’t go without her.
For the first time ever that I have been in town and not in the hospital or something, we didn’t walk this morning. I feel so darn sad. I also feel a little selfish because I’m not ready to loose her and be a family without a dog. Max just loves her so and is always calling her “Sha” and giving her hugs. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t make it through summer this year. I was hoping she would at least make it to summer. I can’t seem to make myself pick up the phone and call the vet. The thing is that she can still get up and walk around the house. She is lying next to me right now. Her senses are all there (except for her hearing I think). She is alert mentally. Physically, her body is failing her.
God, I don’t know what to do and yet I do but don’t want to do it. And, when I should do it. I don’t think I can do it today. Selfishly, I want to go right now and try to take her for a short walk just down the driveway, maybe a house or two just to see so that if she can do it, I can hold off making this decision. I wish I had a partner right now that loved Shadow as much as I do that I can discuss this. Someone to share the burden and sorrow.
I don’t want to put Shadow down before her time, but how do you know for sure. Max and I love her and she loves us.
Sometimes life just sucks. Lately, it seems like it sucks more often than it should.
I don’t think I can do this today. I’m not ready yet, but soon. I think very, very soon I will have to make this decision that which I don’t want to make.
ETA: I did take a break from work and take Shadow for a little walk*. She was able to do it although slowly and I think it was just long enough without being too long. She was able to stop and sniff wherever she wanted without us having to keep up with Max. Since it is later, it is hotter which is hard on her with her thick black coat, but she did just fine. I’m going to give her lots of extra love over the next few days, take the time to brush her out and giver her more attention that she has gotten lately. I’m glad I don’t have to make the decision today or likely even tomorrow. I know I’ll have to make it soon and whenever it is, I will not be ready.
I’ve also been thinking about getting another dog. I have said that once Shadow goes, I won’t get another dog until Max is older and can care for it and it can be his dog. The thing is, I don’t think I can wait. I never had dogs before Shadow and Lucky, but they have affected my life so. I don’t think I can be a person without a dog in my life now that I have had them in my life. And, I don’t think I want my son growing up without a dog in his life. Forget logic and reason and the fact that my life would be way easier and less complicated. This family needs a dog. One way or another. I’m going to watch Shadow and love her and when the time is right (and I’m hoping I know when that is for both of us), then I’ll make the decisions that have to be made. Thank god I don’t have to make it today.
* One of the reasons that walking Shadow on a regular basis is so important…other than the use it or lose it theory... is that she will (almost) only go #2 when on walks. She will pee in the yard, but mostly only when I walk her out back and wait. She no longer uses the doggie door at all and waits for me to take her out. I can usually tell because she will get a bit fidgety (without moving or getting up) and she will follow me out and relieve herself. It isn’t that she couldn’t go in the backyard, it is just that the motion of walking seems to get things moving for her. I guess if we waited long enough, eventually she would go out to poo, but with regular walking it has never been an issue. My poor Shadow. I hate to see her struggle so, but she does still have joy and a decent quality of life and plenty of love from her family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
