Thursday, November 05, 2009

A big long moan....

I almost cried when I did it and I think she almost cried when she heard it. I've been putting it off. Avoiding "the talk", but it had to be done and today was the day. I cut Noemi's hours/pay effective December 7th when she returns from vacation. She will now leave at 3 pm instead of 5 pm. This means I will have to take the twins with me each day to pick up Max, make dinner, have dinner, clean up, get baths and books and bed solo pretty much every single night. I keep telling myself that lots of women/mom's do it all the time and it is just life. I haven't convinced myself as I tell myself that those same mom's don't have a 6:30 am meeting every weekday and a 7:30 pm 3 nights a week most weeks and a 50 hour week + job. It's hard enough during that time with both of us. It really pisses me off and makes me angry that money is so tight right now. One of the big reasons I waited having children was because I didn't want things to be that much of a financial struggle. And it is, and I hate that it is. It does not make me feel beholden to my new employer. I'm tying not to, but am harboring resentment. I don't mind the work so much, but the hours suck right now and I'm pissed that I'm making less money dealing with all the BS that I have to deal with each day. The self talk telling myself that I have choices is only moderately successful because while I have been keeping my eye open, I don't have the time or energy to do a full scale job search right now and I know too many good people struggling and looking for a job for too long now.

I've been thinking about it for awhile, made changes and cuts elsewhere where I could, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I wanted to give her some time to plan for less money and also wanted her to know before she went on vacation. Plus, this way I'll have been taking care of them all 24/7 for something like 16 days straight so maybe it won't seem so bad. That of course rings hollow because I'll be going back to work after being out for 2 weeks and be so far behind it isn't funny and have to stop to take care of the kids and then bust my butt after they are asleep back at work and I need to stop talking or thinking about it because I feel like crying again.

It almost feels like it is all too much right now. The kids are still adjusting to the time change with Max, as always, being the worst. He was up in the late 3 am/early 4 am hour. Even with Noemi's help I was fried at 5 pm when she left and trying not to shout at Max who through a hissy fit because I wouldn't let him have an English muffin and screamed/bawled through dinner. And, R who hasn't been out of the bath for 5 minutes taking the lid off his sippy cup and spilling milk all over himself and the floor, then slipping in it on the tile, and then screaming while I tried to clean it up so no one else slipped when he wanted more milk that very second already. All I really want is just a little break and really there isn't one in sight for the foreseeable future.

Waa waa waa, cry me a river. It's not so much the kids as everything else. I wish I could "just" take care of the kids. I had lunch the other day with a close SAHM friend that had been far too long since we've seen each other. She has 6 year old twins and was saying how overwhelmed and how hard it is, how she doesn't have any time, doesn't seem to get a minute to herself, and how the kids (who are in kindergarten) are only gone 4 hours and I agreed and just silently added especially when you add on no spouse to help (even if it is minimal) with the kids, bring home the bacon, and a stressful job to balance it all. Maybe I get a few hours a week after the kids are in bed when I don't have a work meeting and by then I'm just too tired to do much of anything and while it is better than nothing it just isn't enough.

It's all going to work out. Somehow. It IS manageable, just exhausting and just barely. I think it may just take everything I have to do it with as good an attitude as possible. And, I already feel like everything is taking everything I have so I don't have more to give. My children deserve a mom who isn't frustrated, impatient, or crabby every afternoon/night so I need to figure this out and just get over it. I've got a month to mentally plan a new routine and work on the needed attitude adjustment and convince myself that it is just more opportunity to spend and bond with the kids.


Anonymous said...

i think you are doing a great job. you never seem to lose your temper with your children. I lose my temper all too much and I have it easier - i have a husband - but when he is travelling for work and i'm by myself, it is very hard. It does get easier. everyone who has twins told me it gets easier at age 2 but I think it gets easier at age 3 - but really easier. age one to two is just so hard because you can't take your eyes off of them for a minute and there is just so much caretaking involved. Just think, soon your twins will be like Max - talking and potty trained and in preschool. nancy in ak

Cindy said...

Oh, Debbie! I had no idea! It sounds so hard. You are doing your best. It will get better when the kids are older. It's just so hard now to have to take care of such young children all alone and work so hard. I know I mentioned this before but have you thought about daycare for the twins? That would be less expensive and then maybe you could hire someone to help you out in the late afternoons/evenings? Overall it might be cheaper. Hang in there! ((hugs))