Brotherly Love and Big Boy Bikes

From this morning, Max feeding R. N was dumped on the carpet to feed herself while I fetched the camera. :)


Max riding his new big boy bike in long pants and long sleeve shirt two sizes too small in the middle of the hottest month of the year that he pulled out when he dressed himself.

R and N from a few weeks ago at Max's 4th Birthday Party.

Me reading to Max, as we do every night, on his Birthday after a busy day and a busy weekend.

Today, we have heat (around 105 - 107) and fires on the horizon (but thankfully air quality pretty good where I'm at but the clouds are quite impressive, and two pool parties (the first I took the twins and the second I didn't at the last minute because of the heat...neither place had a pool fence up). I'm so wiped I'm leaving the house a wreck (which is a noteworthy rare occurrence as I can't remember the last time I didn't rally so I didn't have to face it in the morning), including the unwashed high chair trays (my mom watched the twins for me and fed them dinner, but did zero clean up and the house was in way worse shape than when I left and it was pretty bad when I left). But, I'm tired and going to bed, I don't care that it isn't even 8 pm. It was a fun, busy, summer day and hauling kids and having fun can wipe a girl out. Plus, Max ended up in my bed last night fairly early which means that my sleep was broken and my back aches (since he leans into me and I end up sleep in strange positions to try to get comfortable/away from the heat he generates...moving away or changing sides does not because like a beacon he finds me).

Me, at the beach, after the zoo and train ride on Max's birthday. A picture where you can't see my wrinkles because of the glasses or the too padded middle. Just a snapshot in time, but I'll take it and pretend that I look this good all the time these days. :0

Liar, Liar, Pants on fire

I lied to my son today. On purpose. With (almost) no remorse.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I wad desperate to get him out of the house.

I think we will all be glad when school starts back up next week.

I had planned on sending Max to MyGym camp all week this week. He did two weeks last year, but with his birthday and a trip to San Diego last week. I had only planned for this week. Then, he didn't really want to go. And, they changed the time to start 1.5 hours later and go 1.5 hours later which made it harder for my work schedule. And, money is tight right now so I said fine.

Things have actually gone better than I thought, but by yesterday he was pretty sick of me telling him I had to work and to leave me alone and I was pretty sick of telling him that I had to work and to leave me alone. And, work is busy and I'm tired and I just needed him out of the house and a bit tired out. Noemi, even though I've specifically asked, has spent little interactive time with him as when the twins are awake they consume the focus and when they are asleep she wants to make a dent in the mess created with 3 kids home all day. As par for the course, N and Max get along and bond well and Max looks out for her (read - takes things away from R to give to N, calling himself "the grabber"). R and Max are either having a grand time (usually when they are up to trouble) or R is trying to play with Max, destroy what he is working on, or take things away and Max doesn't "like that R, your mean, go away from me, stop" and unless there is intervention someone (read R) ends up hurt. We've partitioned the house so that Max gets the train table, front door/entry way and my bedroom/bathroom. The twins get the rest, unless Max wants to play with them or what they are playing with or whatever.

Anyway, we talked yesterday and he said he wanted to go to the class today, my meeting was such that I could take him, they had space, it would be the best $40 I have spent all week. Until, he found out that his old PT was coming and he wouldn't see her and he changed his mind and I didn't want a battle. So, I lied. He ultimately believed me, but he was a tad suspicious.

Me: Max, Doreen isn't coming today so you aren't going to miss her.
Max: Why?
Me: (thinking quickly) Ah, something about her car or her husbands car needing to be in the shop so she didn't have a way to get her.
Max: We have a car she could use.
Me: But, she would need to get here to be able to use the car and it doesn't work that way.
Max: We could go get her.
Me: She lives to far for to do that.
Max: (thinking, thinking, thinking for a bit) When?
Me: When what?
Max: When did Doreen call and tell you that she couldn't come? (as the phone hadn't rung all morning)
Me: Oh, when you were outside talking to Bill (the pool guy)

Sheesh. Good thing I don't make a habit of lying. That kid can connect the dots and extrapolate like no tomorrow.

Anyway, he's home now. Had a good time. Said he would like to go again/next vacation...pause....as long as Mario (early intervention specialist) or Doreen (OT) weren't expected and he wouldn't miss them.

Hey, it was for a good cause even if the end doesn't justify the means. I'd like to say it wasn't so, but I'd do it all over again.

TGIF.

Life is overall good. Busy. Long work hours on both ends of the day. So many broken things around here that need to be fixed. Money is tight. Max turned 4. Party was good. He got a new big boy bike which he likes (have a few pics, but no time to even off-load), but he only really wants to ride it when I'm around. And, I haven't had as much of it. R covets the bike and will carress and touch it when Max isn't around to yell at him. Both N and R watch with avid facination and what looks to be a little envy.

Boring work meeting is over. Back to finish up some real work and go spend time with the kids before dinner/bed.

Ha

At least for the moment, I've outsmarted the twins. I evaluated the difficulty settling to sleep situation that has been escalating over the last week and dragged on for 3 hours last night. R almost always falls asleep before N. She then becomes bored of playing whatever is in her crib or destroying a new board book, then falls asleep when she is good and ready.

My belief of what was occurring is that were feeding off each other and playing and talking across the room. I thought about separating them, but the problem is that the crib in my room isn't full size and it doesn't have a crib tent. To be successful, R would have to be the one to move. No way would N go for it, just wouldn't happen. And, I don't really want to invest in another full size crib and crib tent for my room unless absolutely necessary. A quick ponder of moving one of the twins into Max's room was quickly ruled out as guaranteed to make the situation worse at this point in time, although when the twins are old enough to leave the crib I do plan on putting all three in the same room for a few years..or at least that is the current plan.

I decided to try the simplest approach as possible...putting a blanket on the side of R's crib so the twins couldn't see each other unless they were standing up. Worked like a charm. Ha, take that. Score one for mom. Now, I'll just be hoping it wasn't a fluke.

Unbelievable

I'm not sure what is more unbelievable at the moment....

the fact that I am sitting here pumping and still have milk when I haven't pumped in over 11 days now. No, I'm not planning on starting back up. I'm just in pain. I have a clogged duct in my lower right outside of my breast that really has to be drained to prevent infection and put me out of my misery only made worse by the fact that I took and elbow to that very region while doing bedtime routine with Max. I've suspected that I still had milk, although after just being sore for a few days things have been fine, no problems, no engorgement, no real discomfort. Then, over the weekend, I felt my milk come down again for some reason, thought I must have imagined it, until today when things got progressively more uncomfortable. I hadn't really planned on it until I realized that no matter how tired I am I don't think I could get a good night sleep feeling the way I do.


the fact that the twins did not fall asleep until almost 3 hours after bedtime. Completely unacceptable. I will have a stern talk with them in the morning, but for tonight I just concentrated on pulling up my reserve of calm and patience. They just could not settle. They talked and babbled and played and just got strung out and couldn't sooth to sleep. A lot of repeated intervention was needed. Max also had trouble settling tonight, but it only took him an hour past bedtime and one extra round of cuddles and nodded off just in time to take a late work meeting. All this after Max spent the majority of the night in bed with me which means I had way more wakings than usual and was already extra tired.

in other news, Max continues to be the diaper police. He set an edict about a month ago that N gets the "bird" diapers and R the "butterfly" ones, because N likes birds and she is his beautiful girl. When it isn't annoying, it is hilarious because he actually checks and reprimands Noemi and I when we forget. I have to say, he does have me trained at this point on the diaper issue. However, we have been able to convince him that no matter how much he would like otherwise, N is going in the blue highchair instead of his old one because the blue one is cloth and the other cleans up easier because R eats like Max...meaning that he is a complete slob and gets food everywhere (which is funnier when you are not the one cleaning it up) and R can get out of the straps on the blue one and pull to a stand so it is as much if not more a safety issue.

i played hooky from work today to drop off the paperwork for my living will/trust that I've had for ages, drop off books/pick up a book from the library, get a few documents notarized including request for the twins birth certificates, stopped in at the pharmacy, and a quick trip into a grocery store for cup cake tins for Max's class on Friday. I will pay the piper tomorrow but feeling good about getting some of that stuff off my list.

or, how much milk I just pumped out. A total of 9 oz...5 from the one giving me the trouble and 4 from the other. That is an ounce more than my typical average and almost double what I was getting at the point I stopped. I hope this takes care of the blocked duct. Good thing I only thought about giving away my pump this weekend before thinking I may try to make some money by selling it on craigs list.

I guess the fact that I still had milk and how much I pumped is topping the amazing list now that I've had a chance to ponder it. If I had any time or energy I'd go look it up, but thought that after that long, surly I should have dried up.

Poor Home Bodies

I realized this morning as we drove to a friends for lunch that the twins are pretty insulated, sheltered, don't get to go places very often. Other than church or doctors offices or the occasional trips to the park with Noemi or walks around the neighborhood, they really haven't been out and about much. I'd feel guiltier except that not only is it just so hard (although getting easier and easier) to pack up and get out, they were preemies I was trying to keep as healthy as possible their first winter. They warmed up after about 20 minutes or so. It was fun and I was able to have about 2 conversations amid the caous before eating quickly and backing up to head home to get the twins for a nap. What was I thinking even hauling the swim gear? Luckily, Max was able to stay with my cousin and swim of which I'm only slightly envious about as with the twins napping and Max swimming I could have actually sat and talked a minute. Oh well, ce la vie, this phase too shall pass soon enough. And, I took a bit of a rest and now must go tackle some chores while I have a chance before the sleeping beauties wake.

Less of a secret

One of the things I have done this summer is host a few parties because I like to and have a nice backyard for that sort of thing. One of the parties I hosted was a group of local single mom by choice women. It was a smaller more intimate group where it is easy to sit in a group and talk to everyone as a group, which is how I like it. Most of the women in attendance were pregnant and most with donor egg or embryo. So, there was a lot of fertility talk, talk about DE, and such.

Also in attendance was my mom (to help with the twins) and my sister from NJ who happened to be visiting that weekend at the last minute with her family. The single mom gathering had been on the books for months and months.

Since I've missed many of our monthly get togethers over the last year or so with a difficult pregnancy, preemie twins in or just out of the hospital, and life revolving around nap schedules I didn't know many of the women well and I'm pretty sure that only 1 knew that I used DE for the twins and I whispered to her that my family didn't know that I used DE. All that to say that while there was a lot of fertility and DE talk, none of it was specifically around me, my kids, or the twins.

This did not stop my mom and my sister from sitting me down after everyone left and the kids were in bed and ask me straight out if I had used DE for the twins. I gave them a straight answer.

The fact that I used DE isn't a secret per se. It just never really came up. By the time I moved to DE, I had so many failed cycles and been trying for so long that I just didn't want to talk about the details with anyone anymore. Plus, I feel pretty strongly that the twins need to know and I need to talk to them about it first rather than hearing it from someone/anyone else. I feel this is especially true since Max was conceived with my eggs and the twins were not. I don't want something thrown in the twins face by a sibling (read Max) being a stinker.

All in all, I'm pretty apathetic around the fact that my mom and sister knows other than my family is terrible about spredding gossip so I need to assume now that every relative both close and not now knows. I hope that everyone respects my desire to tell the twins when they are ready* and that this is their story. Other than that, no big deal really.

* I have heard that around 6 years is the age for children to process and have a book checked out from the library that is supposed to be good in aiding the discussion. Still need to actually look at that book.

Heard around the house

If you were a fly following us around today, you might have heard the following.

This morning:
Max: Where's that man?
Me: What man?
Max: Where's the man that (blah blah blah...couldn't understand what he said)
Me: The man that put up the sign? (since I had no idea what he was talking about/said?
Max: No, the one with the seed.
Me: Oh, the donor? The man that donated the seed to help make you?
Max: Yes
Me: I don't know. He was a nice man that donated a seed. When you are 18 if you want to meet him, you can if it works out. I don't know where he is right now. He was a police officer, in Northern California I think, going to school at the time he gave the seed. Northern California is on the other side of the state. We live in Southern California.
Max: And, Aunt TT lives in Southern California now too.
Me: Yes, she and Uncle Jim and CC live even more south.

This evening:
Max: (picking up a wooden puzzle piece in the shape of a police car while we were doing the twin bed time routine) Is this a picture of the donor's car? Is his car like this?
Me: It is not a picture of his car and I don't know if he had a car like this.

Interspersed throughout the day...
Max: ....well, my daddy told me that when I was a baby, that's how I know that
almost always said to some outlandish thing that he made up like ...
Max: cheese sticks are a vegetable
Me: No, cheese sticks are a protein
Max: well, my daddy told me that cheese was a vegetable when I was a baby and I remember that so I'm right.

or

Max: I get to drive a car when I'm 4 years old.
Me: People are not allowed to drive until they are at least 16 years old and can show that they know and can follow all of the traffic rules.
Max: Well, my daddy told me that I can drive when I'm 4 when I was 2 years old and I remember.
Me: Hmmmm.

or

Max: I'm going to drink this the fastest. I'm going to win for my brother and sister.
Me: Eating and drinking is not a race.
Max: Yes it is. My dad told me that eating was a race when I was a baby and I remember.

etc. and so on

He is not upset. Just more matter of fact. Questioning in things and making things up that are hard to argue about because even at three he is bound and determined to get the last word as in "yes, I do to have a daddy" or "yes, he did tell me that" or whatever. The most effective strategy is to either acknowledge with a hmmm or just not engage in this crazy 'my daddy told me when I was a baby talk' cause there is no winning and he will just argue to argue and I refuse. I'm half convinced he just does it to be adversarial and dare me into refuting it.

Done.

I'm done with pumping and feeling quite melancholy about it actually. It's time. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't time, but I'm still feeling sad and hormonal over it. Yes, I was happy this weekend (stopped/didn't pump Friday night...I worked until 10 pm instead) when I got to sleep in until 5:30 am Saturday, but over all...I could cry. I did pump a bit Saturday afternoon because I was in pain. Now, I'm just sore. I'm so tempted, as tired as I was of it, to do it just one more time, like an addict, but that will just drag it out. The thing is, this need and desire to pump and keep the milk flowing is all for me. The babies aren't even babies anymore really. They scoff at and refuse baby food because it is so babyish...and they want to do it themselves gosh darn it. Give them breast milk, cow milk, formula, whatever, they are fine and happy.

I've come to realize this isn't about them.

It's about me. I've secretly harbored this fantasy that as they grew, they would decided that breast is best and want to nurse if nothing else for comfort. Hasn't happened. It's not going to happen. I still feel so gypped about not getting to breast feed them.

It about them being born so early and in the NICU for so long. It's about how at that time there was so little I could do for them to make me feel like their mom other than provide as much milk as possible and give them as much time as could.

It's about the fact that I'm done having babies. Done. Over. Finished. Never to go there again. One was a miracle and a dream come true. Two was more than a blessing and an answer to prayers. Three was the bonus ...that which I didn't really want, but now would never want to live without. The icing on the cake to make our family complete.

It's about the fact that I haven't had my monthly menses since October or November 2007. I haven't missed it. I don't want it back. I don't want the reminder that menopause is around the corner. I don't want the reminder that my ovaries let me down. I don't want to remember all those years of ttc or the failures.

It's about habits and routines and something becoming so much a part of me and my life. And, oddly, while it's mainly about me, it's not totally about me. Max is being affected by the change. As much as he cried and hated it and tried to pull apart the pump when I first started way back 14 1/2 months ago, he's affected by my stopping as well. I've pumped for over 1/3 of his life. The very, very first thing he said to me this morning as he woke up late and came rushing out of his room in a panic was "you didn't start pumping already, I wanted you to wait for me" as he started to cry and throw a fit. And, I reminded him that he didn't miss it, I'm not pumping anymore.

It's about the fact that I may never get to sit down, especially on weekends, again. Pumping was forced down time. Time to sit and have a drink of water or tea. Check out email and keep up with a few things online. Time to take a break, cuddle with Max, rest awhile...all for a worthy cause of breast milk for the babies.

It's about the fact that by all accounts, the babies don't need it anymore. It's about them growing up so fast. As much as I'm happy they are out of that baby phase and things are just getting so much easier, there is a finality to this. There is no going back. Done is done forever more.

I'm done and no matter how right the decision. I'm feeling the blues.

And, that is why I'm going to become a waffle connoisseur and am going to keep practicing and trying new recipes and fine tuning so much that when they are teens I'm not even going to need a recipe anymore. And, that is why I was up late Saturday night making waffles for Sunday breakfast (and to freeze) and meatloaf for Sunday dinner and baking chicken for today. Maybe I'm going to inspire myself to pull out my grandma's home made cinnamon twist recipe and perfect that as well. They won't remember the breast milk, maybe they will remember that and feel love and comfort when they are grown.

I could pump for another month or longer, but until when and why? I can use the extra time now, although now that I'm stopping it doesn't seem like that much work or effort anymore. The grass is always greener kind of thing.

Weaning Max at 7 months to start to ttc was the most traumatic part of his babyhood for me. The only thing that got me through was the fact I may get a second chance. I did and I didn't. I'm not about regrets. I'm about making the best decision I can at the time and moving on. However, I'm pretty sure if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have weaned him then. I wouldn't have couldn't have given it up. Yada Yada, I know I had to so I could try and fail and try and fail ad nausium until I was ready to move on to donor egg.

Instead of making me feel better by purging and forgetting, I think this is making me feel worse. Maybe some day, I'll get over this dream, this fantasy, this longing for that which will never be. No more.

Done.