Now that we are two days away from Friday, I’m a bit past the stress and shock of spending about 8k in one day. Three went to much needed tree removal and trimming in my back yard before the roots destroyed my cinderblock fence (already starting to crack it), my patio, and possibly the pool. I’ve needed to do it for a year or so now, but haven’t wanted to part with the money. However, it got to the point where it would be more money to fix the problems caused by having the trees removed than by removing them in the first place. The rest went to the purchase of 10 more vials of my donor. Yes, 10, along with a year of storage.
I currently have 3 vials of sperm at my clinic and now have 10 at the bank for a total of 13. One will get used on Tuesday. Trigger tonight/this morning at 2:30 am…lovely… for an IUI on Tuesday afternoon. By normal standards (read for anyone else) I would have been told to trigger Friday night for a Sunday IUI since my follicle was at 20 during my u/s. But, I said, lets push it because 1) the last two times I got pregnant (with Max and m/c a year ago this month) my follicle was at 24 at the day of trigger 2) it really, really, really would have been a pain in the ass to get an IUI this weekend. I would have had to call the embryologist cell phone so she could meet me at the clinic to give me the sperm, then drive to OC for the IUI since my normal office isn’t open but the OC one is this weekend, then back to drop of the tank. Two much trouble and drama and I seriously thought about just letting the egg go (even though it COULD be the good one) if it looked like I could push it. I’ve been supposed to be checking OPK’s to make sure I don’t/haven’t surged, but I have been very lazidasical about it and didn’t check at all on Friday or most of Saturday. I guess I should check tonight before bed, but not feeling inspired.
Anyway, best case scenario is that this cycle is the magic cycle and next February I have another child. Now, wouldn’t that just be great. But, as you can imagine, since I just bought 10 more vials, I’m not counting on it. My current plan, since my FSH was back down to 6.5* this month and I am getting at least one follicle a month is to take the perseverance route just throw sperm at an egg in either low stim or no stim cycles until I’m down to 2 remaining vials and then move to DE. I figure if I don’t get pregnant in 11 tries, I will likely be ready to move on. I’m already past farthest spread I would have had like children (wanted them no more than 2 years apart) so have decided to take that pressure off of myself and just keep plugging along until it works, I can’t stand the process anymore and give up, my ovaries just plain die out and don’t produce anything anymore, or I run out of sperm.
I really wasn’t planning on buying 10 vials, but 1) my donor hasn’t been donating in years, is only offered to women for a sibling attempt since he has reached is maximum child limit, the clinic is cleaning up it’s old storage and has said that at a certain point it will destroy all but a few remaining vials that may be needed for future testing, and I’ve been worried that someone will come and buy him out since there is so little left 2) when I called to see how much was left and place an order, I was told that the rates were going up effective June 1st by almost $100 a vial. So, I thought about my plan, put 6 on hold, pondered things for a few days, and called back on Friday and ordered 10. I gulped at the cost, but figured that it is still a hell of a lot cheaper than a donor egg cycle. And, maybe, just maybe I’ll get a payout…like winning the lottery, but better…one of these months.
In other news, I got a card in the mail from my OB yesterday. It read, “Dear Debbie, If I haven’t been vocal enough I wanted to sincerely than you for your generous contributions to the children’s education fund. I hope our relationship is lifelong that we may always remember his sincerity and love. Sincerely, xxxxx (her first name)”. Now, she already sent me a thank you card. And, I was never a personal friend of either Dr. P or Dr. N in that I never did anything social with them, but I was always very, very fond of both. Come on, Dr. N helped my get pregnant with Max and Dr. P helped deliver him. It is only because of Dr. N and the education he gave me while he was still alive that allows me to continue this ttc path, basically make my own protocols, and move forward. If he had just been an ordinary RE, I’d never be able to do it. If I am able to have a second child, probably, I will name that child after Dr. N. I’ve thought a lot about it. If it is a girl, Nora. I’m still pondering a boy name. Anyway, I’m digressing again. I’m not sure how to respond to the card. Dr. P KNOWS how fond I was of Dr. N. In fact, when I last saw Dr. P a month or so ago to get my referral for the mammogram/breast ultrasound, she made a comment about how she feels like we both lost our husband. The comment made me a bit uncomfortable for a few reasons and assured her that my loss as Dr. N’s patient could never ever compare to her loss, but that I would always miss and remember him and we had a really nice conversation about him. With this card, I’m not sure if and how to respond. I feel like maybe she is reaching out as a friend? Maybe she wants to cross that patient/friendship bond? Someone who would be happy to talk about how wonderful Dr. N was and how much we miss him? I actually really like her and could see us being friends, maybe not best bosom buddies, but friends. Logistically, it would be a challenge with the normal stuff and she lives in the same town as pretty much every really good friend and the core of my SMC support network..which is at least 45 minutes away one way. How I would love to move closer if only I could afford it, which I can’t right now. Anyway, I’m digressing again. I’ll have to ponder this a bit. She really didn’t seem upset at all when Max crank phone called her at 7:30 am from my cell phone a few weeks ago (think I posted about that?). I guess I’ll get back to that best case scenario on this cycle in that I get pregnant and have a good reason to see a bunch of her soon. Otherwise, I think I have a pap this summer and will see her then and take it from there. As I said, I’ll need to ponder it a bit.
As has happened last time I sat down to do a quick post, it has ended up being much longer than planned. I didn’t realize I had that much to say. Well, I better go try to get some sleep so I can wake up in the middle of the night to stab myself with a needle. Ho hum, just another shot, in another cycle, that I have had to work not to forget.
ps. Did you notice the nice “supported” boobs in the photo of Max and I from the aquarium last weekend? As you can see, wearing my new braziers. I’m much fonder of the no wire support ones, not only as a matter of principle, but because they also seem to fit better. To bad I can’t take the other ones back and trade them in. For the record, I was wearing the non under wire support one that day. I was very happy to see that my boobs actually looked bigger than my stomach in that picture. Really, I need to get pregnant since I already look that way. I did a quick grocery run this afternoon ($90 later, how does that happen) to get fixings for dinner while my mom watched Max and Carolyn (my cousin’s daughter who is visiting for 10 days) and I was asked if I wanted help out to the car. I’m sure the guy thought I was pregnant. I’m choosing not to dwell on that and depress myself.
* I guess I never did get around to posting my labs? I know I thought about it, but not sure I ever actually got around to it. I guess I’ll have to check and post them if not.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Max, Max, and More Max...and a ttc update
It seems like so much is going on and I have so much that could be said, but I haven’t had the time, energy, and motivation. Max was just awful this morning. It was so bad that it is hard to describe and had me in tears (which is hard to do most of the time) by the end. It was so bad, that it is a good reminder and makes me appreciate how good I have it most of the time. He basically had a 45 – 60 minute tantrum over pretty much everything. He didn’t want his sleep blanket off. He didn’t want his diaper changed. He didn’t want his milk. He did want raisins, but didn’t want me to help him get them out or put them in a bowl. And, on and on and on. He was inconsolable. He didn’t throw himself on the ground kicking and screaming, but he did run around the house crying and flailing. It reminded me of that time after his second set of shots where nothing could calm him down. This is just so out of character for him that I just stood there in amazement looking at him half the time. It got so bad that towards the end and I was at a loss, I just picked him up and put him in his crib. Which got him even angrier, but seemed to be the trigger that ultimately got him calmed down. He just clung to me when I put him in the crib so I took him out and rocked him with his blanket which calmed him for a few minutes. Then, he calmed down and left the room so I got up to follow, which caused another whole tantrum with him basically telling me no, he wanted me to sit/stay in the chair in his room (fine, I didn’t really want to be around him anyway at that point) so he goes into the other room, brings the bag of raisins back and throws them at me getting all upset again. I’m still a bit in shock over it. I ignored that and just scooped him and his blanket up, hugged him tight, told him how much I loved him and started singing to him. I guess he finally wore himself out, couldn’t calm himself down, and this helped trigger it. So, 20 minutes of me calming singing, and two times watching Baby Neptune (which is the water video that is very calming and soothing to him and used whenever I really need him to wind down and/or calm down) rocking in my lap with his blanket and he was back to normal. Just awful. Thank goodness he is normally a pretty even keeled even tempered guy. I really don’t know what triggered it per se other than his sleep pattern was disrupted last night by a friend who stopped delaying his bedtime. No wonder I am so diligent about his sleep routine.
In other Max news, I showered yesterday morning before Max’s nanny was here. It wasn’t too long, but long enough to wash my hair which adds at least 5 minutes on to a shower and was surprised that Max hadn’t wondered in, hung over the side of the tub, and/or tried to climb in. When I got out, I called out to him asking what he was doing and I got the response of “agua” (water) back. I thought crap, did he get into Shadow’s water bowl? What kind of a mess am I going to have to clean up? So, I did a quick dry and popped out to check on him. He had climbed into the kitchen sink and was playing with the faucet. I just had to laugh. My guess is that he used the dishwasher door as leverage and was able to pull/climb himself up and in…thankfully without hurting himself and thankfully into the sink that didn’t have the dishes including two sharp knives in it.
In other Max news, I showered yesterday morning before Max’s nanny was here. It wasn’t too long, but long enough to wash my hair which adds at least 5 minutes on to a shower and was surprised that Max hadn’t wondered in, hung over the side of the tub, and/or tried to climb in. When I got out, I called out to him asking what he was doing and I got the response of “agua” (water) back. I thought crap, did he get into Shadow’s water bowl? What kind of a mess am I going to have to clean up? So, I did a quick dry and popped out to check on him. He had climbed into the kitchen sink and was playing with the faucet. I just had to laugh. My guess is that he used the dishwasher door as leverage and was able to pull/climb himself up and in…thankfully without hurting himself and thankfully into the sink that didn’t have the dishes including two sharp knives in it.
In still other Max news, I talked to the teacher of Max’s gymnastics mommy and me class this morning that he takes on Wednesday mornings with Noemi. It was very interesting to hear how different Max is in that class. She was concerned that he wasn’t getting anything out of the class and that Noemi basically lets him run around doing whatever he wants with very little talking and interaction. She was concerned because he wasn’t talking to which I started laughing in surprise because he talks a lot and quite well around me. She was very happy to hear that. He mostly speaks in English but is starting to say a few Spanish words like aqua (water), ocho (8), si (yes), manyana sp? (tomorrow). In the course of the conversation, I mentioned about how much he seemed to like the class and how he comes home and practices his summersaults and balance beam and stuff. It was her turn to be surprised because I guess he doesn’t actually do these in the class so she didn’t think he was getting anything out of it. She kept talking about Max wanting to go off and not be with the group (like this was a big problem/concern) and I asked her at what age appropriate for that to which she admitted that it was a big range and that a lot of kids struggled with that. I reminded her that Max wasn’t even two yet and I didn’t think it was realistic for him to “sit still” in a group just yet. The biggest impression that I got was that Noemi just lets Max do whatever he wants (which I don’t really have a huge problem with in general) and that she often won’t follow or chase after him (which could be a safety concern in that type of situation). We agreed to keep more in contact and I may try to go to a class or two if I can just to see how things are going The problem is that with me going, it just changes the whole dynamic so I won’t see what she sees. I also think she felt better to know that Max actually can talk and that he actually is getting something out of the class even if she doesn’t see the evidence yet. Amazing how he can be so different. I don’t really perceive him as shy, but that’s what it sounded like.
In ttc related news, I am cycling. I went in on cd2 (last Friday) for a baseline and had a follicle already at 10.5 on the left so we scrapped the planned protocol added some (1.5 amps) meds to help it along with the hopes I would have an IUI before the long weekend. Went back yesterday (Tuesday) for a follicle check and it had only grown to 15 so no IUI this week. I’ll go in for an u/s on Friday early afternoon to see how things look and see if I can push things off for a Tuesday IUI. I kind of wish I had just let it go and not cycled, but too late now so I’ll deal with it. After all, this one could be the good egg.
Not that anyone other than me is keeping track, but it was a year ago this month that I got pregnant/miscarried the last time. It has already been a year. That has been weighing on my mind and on my emotions. The baby would be 3 months now and I would be looking at going back to work after maternity leave. Gosh, it has been a long hard year, a long hard 15 months now, trying for a second child. I feel worn to my bone. I really don’t want to do it anymore. Yet, I want another child. That desire is still strong enough to keep me going. I flop between moving to DE sooner rather than later and to the other extreme, doing IUI’s for another 6 – 8 months before moving on. To that end, I may buy a lot more of my donor this month before the rates go up. He hardly has any vials left. I figure it will be worth 3K for the insurance as opposed to 35 – 40K for a DE cycle. I just haven’t yet called to officially spend the money yet.
Max and I after a visit to the aquarium last weekend.
Max looking so darn grown. What happened to my baby?
Thursday, May 17, 2007
yet another cd1
Today is yet another cd1. I didn’t really think I had a lot invested in this last cycle since it was a relatively low cost, unplanned, unmedicated one. But, I’ve been moody and all over the map since I got the offical negative. One minute thinking of just giving up and being happy with Max as an only child, the next thinking about moving to donor egg sooner rather than later, the next thinking about going on BCP’s for timing and to work on reducing my insulin level and weight, the next making active plans to cycle.
I talked to Dr. A last night about a protocol. He agreed that an oral/inj. cycle would probably be my next best step although he thinks I should try Letrozol again instead of Clomid and do 3 amps of injectibles instead of 1 or 2. I’m fine with his adjustments. I’m going in for labs tomorrow just to see what they look like and then to see if I can get in for a baseline u/s tomorrow afternoon. Back in the saddle again. Hee haw.
I’ve been doing some pampering. I was able to get in for a massage on Tuesday afternoon which was great and just what I needed and on the way back opted for a Gyros and low fat low carb frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. I saw my acupuncturist today and got another little back massage back pressure points.
Work also has me a bit down lately. We are going through another period of pretty big change. Depending on how things turn out, some of the end result I will probably like and could be good for me professionally or they could not be so much. Some of which I probably won’t like either way. No matter what I’m going to have a new boss. Depending on who that person is and how much I like or don’t working for them, it may be time to move on and look for something else. We will see.
Max is great. He finds spraying/trying to spray pour water outside the tub just hilarious. Okay, I know it is my reaction that he finds funny, but I can’t not react to it. He gets one, maybe two warnings and then water is off or bath is over. Anytime his diaper is off, he is fascinated with peeing. He’s desire to actually pee in the toilet has taken a back burner to peeing on the floor, in the tub, or pretty much wherever he can. When he gets out of the tub, he hurls himself at me with his knees and feet up in a ball and refuses to stand so I can dry him off until I pick him up and move him to the other side of the bathroom. He finds it quite funny to hurl himself at me when I am distracted. He’s been sleeping great, but been in a bit of a home body mode not wanting to go for walks. I’ve been able to lure him out at least a bit in the morning with raisins. But in the evening, I’ve just let him hang out and then walk Shadow out front after Max is in his crib. Sadly, Shadow has been fine with this change as well and I’m the only one a bit out of sorts and missing it.
My friend that is battling breast cancer has really been having a hard time with the chemo and feeling crappy. She’s cancelled a few lunch plans we had in favor of a nap instead, which I am completely fine with and understand, but wish she didn’t have to suffer so. Her mom has been here for the last 2 months helping out and left today. She was telling me that a few weeks ago she was so tired and weak she fell asleep on the couch downstairs. They were trying to keep the kids away from her with little success and her mom tried to get her to go up to her bed, but she just weakly replied that she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She was feeling that bad and that tired. I called to check in on her today to see how she was doing without her mum and was happy that I actually caught her and that she sounded better than she has since before her mastectomy. Six more weeks of chemo for her then a few months of radiation.
I can’t believe that Memorial Day Weekend is coming up so fast. I’m going away on a short mine-vacation to my friends family’s beach house and I can’t wait.
I found out that I only have 3 vials of sperm left. I thought I had at least 5. I’m going to call to see if I even could get more if I wanted. That’s one of the reasons I’m thinking of moving to DE sooner. We will see. Ha, maybe this cycle will work. Yet, I kind of feel like it is really hopeless and I am just going through the motions because I don’t know how or when to quite. Then, I get a little hope and think that maybe it really will work this time and that it can’t work unless I try. I’m not the Virgin Mary and I will not have an immaculate conception.
Max and I both seem to be over the hurdle of that 6 – 8 week cold/cough marathon we had going and I think we are both feeling better and have more energy. I also am back to not sleeping that great. I guess it is a good news, bad news deal. While I’m not getting that much sleep, I’m also not really that tired and not missing it either most of the time. Max is sleeping great. I shouldn’t jinx myself by putting that in writing but he is going down well, sleeping through the night and waking up around 5:30 – 6 am…except for the day earlier in the week where he slept for 12 hours one night and then didn’t nap. I hated that day. I got gypped out of my nice morning time with him since he was sleeping and then got gypped out of any type of quality evening time with him because he was so tired and crabby he couldn’t see straight. But, other than that day, things are going really, really well.
I’ve doing a modified South Beach. I haven’t cut out carbs entirely like they recommend for the first few weeks, but I have really reduced them and making sure I have good carbs. I had (notice the had) lost about 2.5 – 3 lbs under the slow and steady route. Last might was dinner with mom night and we ended up ordering pizza for dinner. Not only did this apparently screw up the progress I had made with my IBS, I was back up 2 lbs this morning. I’m secretly hoping that it is fluid retention water weight due to the onset of my period. My f’ing body can be so f’ing unforgiving on things like this. It makes me just want to give in and throw in the towel, but I know that is not the answer. I’ve been having to do some positive self talk and avoidance by burying myself in a book to keep from getting too down on myself and over emotional. Yada Yada Yada
Life goes on. With all of its ups and downs and highs and lows. Just seems like there have been way more lows than highs lately.
I talked to Dr. A last night about a protocol. He agreed that an oral/inj. cycle would probably be my next best step although he thinks I should try Letrozol again instead of Clomid and do 3 amps of injectibles instead of 1 or 2. I’m fine with his adjustments. I’m going in for labs tomorrow just to see what they look like and then to see if I can get in for a baseline u/s tomorrow afternoon. Back in the saddle again. Hee haw.
I’ve been doing some pampering. I was able to get in for a massage on Tuesday afternoon which was great and just what I needed and on the way back opted for a Gyros and low fat low carb frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. I saw my acupuncturist today and got another little back massage back pressure points.
Work also has me a bit down lately. We are going through another period of pretty big change. Depending on how things turn out, some of the end result I will probably like and could be good for me professionally or they could not be so much. Some of which I probably won’t like either way. No matter what I’m going to have a new boss. Depending on who that person is and how much I like or don’t working for them, it may be time to move on and look for something else. We will see.
Max is great. He finds spraying/trying to spray pour water outside the tub just hilarious. Okay, I know it is my reaction that he finds funny, but I can’t not react to it. He gets one, maybe two warnings and then water is off or bath is over. Anytime his diaper is off, he is fascinated with peeing. He’s desire to actually pee in the toilet has taken a back burner to peeing on the floor, in the tub, or pretty much wherever he can. When he gets out of the tub, he hurls himself at me with his knees and feet up in a ball and refuses to stand so I can dry him off until I pick him up and move him to the other side of the bathroom. He finds it quite funny to hurl himself at me when I am distracted. He’s been sleeping great, but been in a bit of a home body mode not wanting to go for walks. I’ve been able to lure him out at least a bit in the morning with raisins. But in the evening, I’ve just let him hang out and then walk Shadow out front after Max is in his crib. Sadly, Shadow has been fine with this change as well and I’m the only one a bit out of sorts and missing it.
My friend that is battling breast cancer has really been having a hard time with the chemo and feeling crappy. She’s cancelled a few lunch plans we had in favor of a nap instead, which I am completely fine with and understand, but wish she didn’t have to suffer so. Her mom has been here for the last 2 months helping out and left today. She was telling me that a few weeks ago she was so tired and weak she fell asleep on the couch downstairs. They were trying to keep the kids away from her with little success and her mom tried to get her to go up to her bed, but she just weakly replied that she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She was feeling that bad and that tired. I called to check in on her today to see how she was doing without her mum and was happy that I actually caught her and that she sounded better than she has since before her mastectomy. Six more weeks of chemo for her then a few months of radiation.
I can’t believe that Memorial Day Weekend is coming up so fast. I’m going away on a short mine-vacation to my friends family’s beach house and I can’t wait.
I found out that I only have 3 vials of sperm left. I thought I had at least 5. I’m going to call to see if I even could get more if I wanted. That’s one of the reasons I’m thinking of moving to DE sooner. We will see. Ha, maybe this cycle will work. Yet, I kind of feel like it is really hopeless and I am just going through the motions because I don’t know how or when to quite. Then, I get a little hope and think that maybe it really will work this time and that it can’t work unless I try. I’m not the Virgin Mary and I will not have an immaculate conception.
Max and I both seem to be over the hurdle of that 6 – 8 week cold/cough marathon we had going and I think we are both feeling better and have more energy. I also am back to not sleeping that great. I guess it is a good news, bad news deal. While I’m not getting that much sleep, I’m also not really that tired and not missing it either most of the time. Max is sleeping great. I shouldn’t jinx myself by putting that in writing but he is going down well, sleeping through the night and waking up around 5:30 – 6 am…except for the day earlier in the week where he slept for 12 hours one night and then didn’t nap. I hated that day. I got gypped out of my nice morning time with him since he was sleeping and then got gypped out of any type of quality evening time with him because he was so tired and crabby he couldn’t see straight. But, other than that day, things are going really, really well.
I’ve doing a modified South Beach. I haven’t cut out carbs entirely like they recommend for the first few weeks, but I have really reduced them and making sure I have good carbs. I had (notice the had) lost about 2.5 – 3 lbs under the slow and steady route. Last might was dinner with mom night and we ended up ordering pizza for dinner. Not only did this apparently screw up the progress I had made with my IBS, I was back up 2 lbs this morning. I’m secretly hoping that it is fluid retention water weight due to the onset of my period. My f’ing body can be so f’ing unforgiving on things like this. It makes me just want to give in and throw in the towel, but I know that is not the answer. I’ve been having to do some positive self talk and avoidance by burying myself in a book to keep from getting too down on myself and over emotional. Yada Yada Yada
Life goes on. With all of its ups and downs and highs and lows. Just seems like there have been way more lows than highs lately.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Can't Sleep
Ugh. I can't sleep. Last night I had trouble falling asleep and then woke up at 2 am and now can't go back to sleep. I'm so going to pay tomorrow with a long day planned. I have a full morning of meetings and it is election day. For those who may not have followed my story long, my garage is the polling place for my local precinct. A local city election where there is a battle of a school board position so the inspector will be here at 6 to finish setting up before the pools open at 7 and don't close until 8 pm. The earliest the poll workers are out of here is 9 pm.
Am I? Am I not? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Those thoughts and others just keep rattling and rolling around in my brain. A little over 12 hours ago I gave the blood that will give me the quantitative results....the results that are ready and just waiting for a new work day to be delivered. Oh, I was doing so well with this whole 2ww this time until now. I keep telling myself to be patient, only a little more waiting, hang in there, the results aren't going to change either way.
Okay, off to check out a few web sites and then back to bed. Maybe the cereal and milk will help relax me enough. Maybe I should take a warm bath. Sadly, too late for a tylenol PM or something.
Am I? Am I not? Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Am I? Am I not? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Those thoughts and others just keep rattling and rolling around in my brain. A little over 12 hours ago I gave the blood that will give me the quantitative results....the results that are ready and just waiting for a new work day to be delivered. Oh, I was doing so well with this whole 2ww this time until now. I keep telling myself to be patient, only a little more waiting, hang in there, the results aren't going to change either way.
Okay, off to check out a few web sites and then back to bed. Maybe the cereal and milk will help relax me enough. Maybe I should take a warm bath. Sadly, too late for a tylenol PM or something.
Am I? Am I not? Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Maybe
Blood has been donated to the cause for yet another beta, but not until late today so even with a STAT, I will not know until tomorrow. I really have no idea if this throw away unplanned, unmedicated cycle worked or not. I’m stuck on maybe. Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t. I seriously thought about going out to get an HPT, but decided I couldn’t be bothered and not to add additional stress. The reasons I think it may have worked is that I have felt a lot of twinges and pulls like I have only felt when pregnant and I took two solid naps this weekend which really has only happened when pregnant and after Max was born. Of course, I haven’t been sleeping great at night. I’ve either been having trouble falling asleep or waking up at 2 or 3 am and not able to fall back to sleep while pondering life and thinking maybe, maybe, maybe. Of course, I also am feeling crampy like I am going to start my period today. I’ve been bloated and “swollen”, especially in the boob area, but also have had too much sodium lately and probably not enough water. Basically, symptoms are inconclusive in my mind. I’m waiting for the qualitative beta results, which I could have had today if I missed any number of back to back work meetings for most of the day. Way back in the beginning, I would have. I just didn’t have it in me today. If would have been more work and harder to try to go earlier than it was worth. So, I wait until tomorrow while thinking in the back of my mind….maybe, maybe, maybe….could I be so lucky to finally not only get pregnant, but also get another child out if this….because…you know….a positive beta is only the very first toll gate. It gets you to the next step. Yes, I will be thrilled, but also cautious. And, the flip side of yes, is no. It could just be yet another negative. Likely, it is another negative. Yet, the changes are greater than zero. It is possible. Which brings me full circle back to maybe.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Penises
For most of my pregnancy with Max, I thought I was having a girl. I had three u/s that indicated a girl. I had a name picked out – Audrey Elizabeth. It wasn’t until I was about 30 weeks along at a follow up visit with the perinatologist that I found out that she was really a he. I was so sure I was having a girl, but completely fine when I found out that it was a boy. Besides coming up with a name (was going to call him Zachary Edward until after he was born when I changed to Max within minutes of meeting him), the question of circumcision or not was the biggest point to ponder. It didn’t really take me long after I got over the surprise and told family and friends to stop sending the girl stuff, start sending the boy stuff. I elected to keep him “intact” as it were. I really don’t have strong opinions (unlike some) one way or another. But, felt like it was an unnecessary procedure and he didn’t have a father or brother to “be like”. However, his only male cousin is also uncircumcised as brother in law. Lack of any other reason, I left things as they were.
Which makes the following story ironic in a way….
A few weeks ago my sister and her kids were here for a visit. I was giving Max a bath and one of his girl cousins got in with him and was playing, but Max’s youngest cousin…his only male cousin didn’t. My sister thought this out of character for him (he’s 5) and asked him about it. J said that he didn’t want Max to see his penis because it was different. My sister asked what he meant. J told her like xxx (a friend of J’s from school) has a circle around it. She really had no idea that J had seen xxx’s penis or that he had even realized there could be difference. She told J, that no, Max’s penis was just like his and didn’t have a ring around it. Upon this assurance, J took off is clothes and joined into the tub fun, having a good ole time long after Max and his sister had moved on.
Isn’t that funny? I guess his cousin was able to take comfort in the “sameness” long before Max.
In other penis news, I was cooking breakfast this morning when Max came running down the hall trying to pull of his diaper and pants saying “poo poo, poo poo”. What’s a mamma to do? I pulled the pan off the stove, turned off the stove, followed him into the bath room, and helped him get on the toilet. Alas, no poo poo’s, but he did pee in the toilet. He was so proud. He did the same thing to Niomi yesterday afternoon. Last night after she left, he was in the baby pool (he was naked) and he got out quickly and had a poop on the grass. He seemed upset by this. I didn’t make a big deal, just cleaned up his bum and then got a poo poo bag (like I do for Shadows stuff) and picked it up and moved on. I didn’t think that kids were ready to potty train until they were 3 or something. So, I’m not pushing anything, but hey, if he asks, or goes running past, calling poo poo while pulling off his diaper, I’m happy to help. It does seem like he is trying to work this all out though.
Which makes the following story ironic in a way….
A few weeks ago my sister and her kids were here for a visit. I was giving Max a bath and one of his girl cousins got in with him and was playing, but Max’s youngest cousin…his only male cousin didn’t. My sister thought this out of character for him (he’s 5) and asked him about it. J said that he didn’t want Max to see his penis because it was different. My sister asked what he meant. J told her like xxx (a friend of J’s from school) has a circle around it. She really had no idea that J had seen xxx’s penis or that he had even realized there could be difference. She told J, that no, Max’s penis was just like his and didn’t have a ring around it. Upon this assurance, J took off is clothes and joined into the tub fun, having a good ole time long after Max and his sister had moved on.
Isn’t that funny? I guess his cousin was able to take comfort in the “sameness” long before Max.
In other penis news, I was cooking breakfast this morning when Max came running down the hall trying to pull of his diaper and pants saying “poo poo, poo poo”. What’s a mamma to do? I pulled the pan off the stove, turned off the stove, followed him into the bath room, and helped him get on the toilet. Alas, no poo poo’s, but he did pee in the toilet. He was so proud. He did the same thing to Niomi yesterday afternoon. Last night after she left, he was in the baby pool (he was naked) and he got out quickly and had a poop on the grass. He seemed upset by this. I didn’t make a big deal, just cleaned up his bum and then got a poo poo bag (like I do for Shadows stuff) and picked it up and moved on. I didn’t think that kids were ready to potty train until they were 3 or something. So, I’m not pushing anything, but hey, if he asks, or goes running past, calling poo poo while pulling off his diaper, I’m happy to help. It does seem like he is trying to work this all out though.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Braziers
I have never been very fond of wearing a bra. I have been known to go without whenever possible even at times when I really shouldn’t. I’m not big into fashion and most often am a sloppy dresser. I live in fear that someone will nominate me for What Not To Wear as I am sure I break every fashion rule out there. It just doesn’t really interest me. It isn’t a priority in my life. Most often my clothes choice is made the morning of based on weather, comfort, and what’s on top. But, I digress….
The day before my recent trip while out running errands, I decided I really must stop by Nordstrom’s and get fitted by one of their specialists and get a few bra’s that actually fit. Prompted in part by my fishing my one and only official nursing bra out of the rag bag. Upon looking at it, I can see why it had been placed there, but it was all cotton, no under wires, no frills and so darn comfortable. I have since sadly parted with that bra, but kept a few other old favorites that cover, are comfortable, and offer absolutely no support.
After trying on numerous bra’s, I found two I liked, felt reasonably comfortable, held up the saggy ole breasts. One without a wire and one with. I bought two of each kind for a total of 4 new bra’s. I tend to wear the wireless ones a bit more, but have been doing fine with them. Until the last few days that is….
It must be my sky high progesterone level this month, but …my word…my breasts must be a size or two bigger and these bra’s are just flat uncomfortable. They are not sore or tender, just swollen. I took my bra off mid day yesterday. Thankfully, I work from home full time and can do this with only me, Max, and Max’s nanny being any wizer on most days. I just had to free myself today. I couldn’t take it. I guess I will just have to go with the unfashionable, droopy, braless boob look today.
I hope I remember to put it back on before rushing out to my acu appointment this afternoon since this one has me strip to bra’s and panties for treatment.
Speaking of remembering…I remembered to take my progesterone, dex, and folic acid this morning within an hour or so of target time, which has been a huge problem for me this cycle. Forgot to pick up refill of Pre-natal so must do that today while out. And, have continued to have uterine twinges and cramping. Who knows if that is a good or a bad sign at this point. Four days until beta.
The day before my recent trip while out running errands, I decided I really must stop by Nordstrom’s and get fitted by one of their specialists and get a few bra’s that actually fit. Prompted in part by my fishing my one and only official nursing bra out of the rag bag. Upon looking at it, I can see why it had been placed there, but it was all cotton, no under wires, no frills and so darn comfortable. I have since sadly parted with that bra, but kept a few other old favorites that cover, are comfortable, and offer absolutely no support.
After trying on numerous bra’s, I found two I liked, felt reasonably comfortable, held up the saggy ole breasts. One without a wire and one with. I bought two of each kind for a total of 4 new bra’s. I tend to wear the wireless ones a bit more, but have been doing fine with them. Until the last few days that is….
It must be my sky high progesterone level this month, but …my word…my breasts must be a size or two bigger and these bra’s are just flat uncomfortable. They are not sore or tender, just swollen. I took my bra off mid day yesterday. Thankfully, I work from home full time and can do this with only me, Max, and Max’s nanny being any wizer on most days. I just had to free myself today. I couldn’t take it. I guess I will just have to go with the unfashionable, droopy, braless boob look today.
I hope I remember to put it back on before rushing out to my acu appointment this afternoon since this one has me strip to bra’s and panties for treatment.
Speaking of remembering…I remembered to take my progesterone, dex, and folic acid this morning within an hour or so of target time, which has been a huge problem for me this cycle. Forgot to pick up refill of Pre-natal so must do that today while out. And, have continued to have uterine twinges and cramping. Who knows if that is a good or a bad sign at this point. Four days until beta.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Progesterone Results
My P4 number was 10.9. I’m thrilled with that. Really and truly. I have to say that this is the best ever 7 dpo P4 number I have ever had. Makes one wonder if maybe this cycle actually did work. Wouldn’t that just be the best? After all the struggles the last 14 months trying for a second to work on an unplanned, unmedicated cycle. Hey, I’d take it. Of course, I did add back in the acupuncture this time in preparation for cycling. And, I’m sure psychosomatic, but I have been feeling uterine “twinges” ever since I got the results. Ah, only 5 more days until beta. And, no, I will not be pee’ing on a stick. Hate them. Don’t believe in them. Never got a positive HPT until after I got a positive beta.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Around
I’ve been around, but haven’t really been posting because I really haven’t had much to say. Max and I have had one cold after another it seems like going on 7 – 8 weeks now. We have gone through two of the big Kleenex tissue’s from Costco. No, not two box’s. Two times however many boxes are in a package (8? 12?).
I had the most relaxing weekend since way before Max. I guess we both hit the wall and he didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere, so we didn’t. Shadow got one walk around the block about mid morning each day (after I lured Max into the stroller with raisins) and walked in front of the house after Max was in his crib. Other than that, we stayed home and hung out. Max watched more TV (DVD’s) than I ever thought could be possible while he played and snuggled and climbed on and over and around me. I read two full books, around 400 pages each, from Friday night through this morning, while still giving Max all the attention he needed and wanted, doing basics around the house like laundry and dishes and meals. It was kind of amazing. It helped that he took long (almost 4 hour naps) both days while I only took a short nap each day. We spent some time in his little pool that I can fill with warm water and in the back yard Sunday afternoon. We read books. We played cars. Max learned new words like mole, scar, and nipple as my middle section was the body part of focus. While disgusting, he also learned/I demonstrated for him how to “hawk a luegy” after coughing up the same chunk of mucus one too many times, which he found quite entertaining and interesting. Mostly, he sat or climbed on and over and around me watching his shows while I read and we were both happy. Oddly enough, one of his most requested DVD’s or the weekend was Baby Santa which he had previously showed zero interest before. “What’s that?” is still be far his favorite phrase. He is also fond and quite good at the “I Spy” game where I say, Where is x?” and he points to it. It is pretty amazing. He has started to do some baby signs as he is learning to say the word like hat and book that I didn’t even know he knew and we haven’t watched those DVD’s in months. I guess he just had the information stored in there until now.
I haven’t really thought much about next cycle. I guess I am going to just try a clomid low dose injectable cycle with extra drugs I have already if my current last minute throw away one doesn’t work. I stopped taking the meds to help the insulin late last week even though Dr. Q said to only stop if I got a positive beta. Since it is a category C drug, I just didn’t feel comfortable with that while in a 2ww. I have really been watching my carbs and using the South Beach as a model. I didn’t cut them out entirely like they recommend for the first 2 weeks, but I have greatly reduced them.
I did a progesterone test today using an old lab slip. I don’t think anyone in the clinic will mind and I just like to keep tabs. I thought about adding another urinalysis since the other one was contaminated by blood, but decided that I didn’t want to be bothered just now especially with fighting another cold/cough.
Anyway, nothing really new. I think we are both on the mend, but still feeling tired and not quite healthy. I have been feeling so darn crappy and tired lately that I have thought more than once about not trying for a second, but know that this is just a temporary thing.
Also, I had my mammogram and breast u/s last Thursday and am just waiting on the results. I’m sure it is probably all fine, but am happy that it is at least done and I have a baseline.
And, I’m one week down and another to go in the latest 2ww that I have had to work hard at remember to take my meds because I keep forgetting about it. Even though or probably because we did so little this weekend, I am still so darn tired and spent. I wish every day were a non-work day while still having the income that I do.
I had the most relaxing weekend since way before Max. I guess we both hit the wall and he didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere, so we didn’t. Shadow got one walk around the block about mid morning each day (after I lured Max into the stroller with raisins) and walked in front of the house after Max was in his crib. Other than that, we stayed home and hung out. Max watched more TV (DVD’s) than I ever thought could be possible while he played and snuggled and climbed on and over and around me. I read two full books, around 400 pages each, from Friday night through this morning, while still giving Max all the attention he needed and wanted, doing basics around the house like laundry and dishes and meals. It was kind of amazing. It helped that he took long (almost 4 hour naps) both days while I only took a short nap each day. We spent some time in his little pool that I can fill with warm water and in the back yard Sunday afternoon. We read books. We played cars. Max learned new words like mole, scar, and nipple as my middle section was the body part of focus. While disgusting, he also learned/I demonstrated for him how to “hawk a luegy” after coughing up the same chunk of mucus one too many times, which he found quite entertaining and interesting. Mostly, he sat or climbed on and over and around me watching his shows while I read and we were both happy. Oddly enough, one of his most requested DVD’s or the weekend was Baby Santa which he had previously showed zero interest before. “What’s that?” is still be far his favorite phrase. He is also fond and quite good at the “I Spy” game where I say, Where is x?” and he points to it. It is pretty amazing. He has started to do some baby signs as he is learning to say the word like hat and book that I didn’t even know he knew and we haven’t watched those DVD’s in months. I guess he just had the information stored in there until now.
I haven’t really thought much about next cycle. I guess I am going to just try a clomid low dose injectable cycle with extra drugs I have already if my current last minute throw away one doesn’t work. I stopped taking the meds to help the insulin late last week even though Dr. Q said to only stop if I got a positive beta. Since it is a category C drug, I just didn’t feel comfortable with that while in a 2ww. I have really been watching my carbs and using the South Beach as a model. I didn’t cut them out entirely like they recommend for the first 2 weeks, but I have greatly reduced them.
I did a progesterone test today using an old lab slip. I don’t think anyone in the clinic will mind and I just like to keep tabs. I thought about adding another urinalysis since the other one was contaminated by blood, but decided that I didn’t want to be bothered just now especially with fighting another cold/cough.
Anyway, nothing really new. I think we are both on the mend, but still feeling tired and not quite healthy. I have been feeling so darn crappy and tired lately that I have thought more than once about not trying for a second, but know that this is just a temporary thing.
Also, I had my mammogram and breast u/s last Thursday and am just waiting on the results. I’m sure it is probably all fine, but am happy that it is at least done and I have a baseline.
And, I’m one week down and another to go in the latest 2ww that I have had to work hard at remember to take my meds because I keep forgetting about it. Even though or probably because we did so little this weekend, I am still so darn tired and spent. I wish every day were a non-work day while still having the income that I do.
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