Saturday, September 05, 2009

Conflicted

I sit here thinking that if money wasn't an issue and I could stay home and still have a bit of help, I'd do it again. I'd have another child or two. If things were different and I had a full time helpful partner, I'd add to the caos and crazies. While also knowing, I'm done. I have all I can handle and some days I'm stretched more on that than others. I'm sitting here with cramps with the period I knew was coming with such mixed feelings. I'm so so so happy and blessed to be on the other side of the fertility journey. I know with every fiber of my being that I have the family I was meant to have. I know that I'm where I need to be in life right now. The two embryos I had on ice are discarded and I'm okay with that although I will probably always wonder if they were really as bad quality and what would have happened if I was brave or crazy enough to transfer them back. I would have liked to know. The circles I went round and round in my mind about them...just transfer them back instead of discard, they won't take and you'll be done and know....but, what if they do. And, I just couldn't transfer them to anyone else legally as well as emotionally. Anyone who would want them would would have traveled to long and hard a road to get there and have another cycle fail. I just couldn't do that to someone. But, what if it worked, then they could be blessed like I have been. More circular thinking.

I've also been pondering these last few weeks about mommy isolation. I've heard talk of it, but really haven't experienced until lately. It was never really an issue when Max was small. We were out and about. And, even though I work from home, I have/had a lot of work friends I was in contact with on a regular basis. People I trusted and cared about and people who trusted me and cared about me. That's all changed and at a time where I can't really go out solo with all three just yet. And, I just don't have the time, energy, or money to be getting a sitter or hiring a mommies helper. So, I just try to enjoy the time I have with the kids and remind myself that this is just a phase. Soon enough they will be starting preschool and the crazies will be different.

They just amaze me. They are just something else. I love them and the stage they are in and watching them literally take their first steps in life and I'm in awe. While at the same time, wishing I had just a bit of time for me. I miss my morning hikes. I miss having a dog or two in my family. I miss having time and energy to talk and see my friends and actually to be a friend.

I sure can't say that life is perfect right now. It isn't even close. I can't say I wouldn't change a thing. Cause I would. But, I wouldn't change the important things.

Just life I guess. Not always clean or pretty or how we want it. It could be better. It could be worse. And, now that the bleeding has actually started, I'll start sleeping again. I'm seeing my OB this week for my annual (overdue) well woman. I'll be asking for BCP's to take me through and into menopause. One thing all the fertility treatments has done as enabled me to recognize is how my body reacts to the female hormones. That edgey, anxiety ridden, tense, tired, but can't sleep insomniac that always comes in the follecular stage where in theory my body produces an egg that could become a child. My body just doesn't do well with estrogen and follicle stimulating hormones. I haven't missed them. Made me almost wish I was still lactating. I'm not thrilled with the bleeding and cramps. I'm looking for the progesterone side of the cycle. I don't need the E2 of FSH. My ovaries are crap anyway. I'm done. I'm on the other side. Thank God!

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