15.5 month stats

Had the twins in earlier in the week for routine well baby. They got shots. They were not amused. Max came and got the sniff flu, which he was pleased with. Things are fine, but busy. My energy level is low.

R
Wt 20 lbs 15 oz, 6% --> 20% corrected
Ht 30 1/2, 25% --> 50% corrected
HC 18 3/8, 27%

N

wt 20 lbs 6 oz, 10% --> 25% corrected
Ht 29 3/4, 25% --> 50 corrected
Hc 17 5/8 --> 13%

R is walking. N is climbing.

Max is extremely impressed that R is walking and bragging to who will listen. They are actually starting to play nicely together for periods of time.

Just me?

Is it just me who has kids/babies such that when you try to change their diaper react like they are in a torture chamber and scream and contort themselves in such a way as one feels like they are wrestling a wet, slipper....ah...cat? beast? Egads, Max was this way, but now it is twice the fun. I actually shouted the other day at R to knock it off, it was just a diaper change. No, it wasn't effective.

Is it just me who spends the majority of each car trip with their 4 year old explaining the traffic rules, signs, and lines? Sample Questions: What does that sign with the 9 and 7 say? What is the 53? What are the yellow lines? So, if there are two and bigger you can go into it and one with dashes you can't? Those ones go onto the freeway? Why did you do that? Can you turn on red here? Can you turn on red here? How come we aren't turning right? Sample responses: That says, no parking between 7 and 9 am. That is the speed limit. It is 35 here and you're not supposed to go faster than that? The yellow line is always to the left. If it is a double yellow line, you can't cross it. If it is one solid yellow line and one dashed, you can go there if if you need to turn. A white line is a lane marker that you need to stay between to keep the cars from bonking. Yes, those lanes go onto the freeway. No, we are going to school not the freeway right now. Why did I do what? Yes, you can turn on red here. Yes, you can turn on red here. No, not here. We need to go straight not turn right now.

Is it just me where things seem to be breaking around the house in alarming speed, much more quickly than time and money allows to be fixed. Sample: Garage door, vacuum, ottoman, kitchen sink (was finally fixed...again). I'm sure there is more, but I've shut off the mental list to reduce stress.

Is it just me that seems to be working long crazy hours and finding a hard time balancing things, but making extra special effort to carve out time for the kids. We are continuing the practice of me doing a project a month in Max's classroom. Today, we are blowing up balloons. We have a heluim tank and wrote and illustrated a book on why balloons float and filled some balloons with rice and sand and flour and beans and water. We are both very excited.

Is it just me that just can't seem to cover all the bills these days?

Overall, life is good. Just trying to enjoy it and keep my head above water and deal with what I can and not stress out about the rest.

Conflicted

I sit here thinking that if money wasn't an issue and I could stay home and still have a bit of help, I'd do it again. I'd have another child or two. If things were different and I had a full time helpful partner, I'd add to the caos and crazies. While also knowing, I'm done. I have all I can handle and some days I'm stretched more on that than others. I'm sitting here with cramps with the period I knew was coming with such mixed feelings. I'm so so so happy and blessed to be on the other side of the fertility journey. I know with every fiber of my being that I have the family I was meant to have. I know that I'm where I need to be in life right now. The two embryos I had on ice are discarded and I'm okay with that although I will probably always wonder if they were really as bad quality and what would have happened if I was brave or crazy enough to transfer them back. I would have liked to know. The circles I went round and round in my mind about them...just transfer them back instead of discard, they won't take and you'll be done and know....but, what if they do. And, I just couldn't transfer them to anyone else legally as well as emotionally. Anyone who would want them would would have traveled to long and hard a road to get there and have another cycle fail. I just couldn't do that to someone. But, what if it worked, then they could be blessed like I have been. More circular thinking.

I've also been pondering these last few weeks about mommy isolation. I've heard talk of it, but really haven't experienced until lately. It was never really an issue when Max was small. We were out and about. And, even though I work from home, I have/had a lot of work friends I was in contact with on a regular basis. People I trusted and cared about and people who trusted me and cared about me. That's all changed and at a time where I can't really go out solo with all three just yet. And, I just don't have the time, energy, or money to be getting a sitter or hiring a mommies helper. So, I just try to enjoy the time I have with the kids and remind myself that this is just a phase. Soon enough they will be starting preschool and the crazies will be different.

They just amaze me. They are just something else. I love them and the stage they are in and watching them literally take their first steps in life and I'm in awe. While at the same time, wishing I had just a bit of time for me. I miss my morning hikes. I miss having a dog or two in my family. I miss having time and energy to talk and see my friends and actually to be a friend.

I sure can't say that life is perfect right now. It isn't even close. I can't say I wouldn't change a thing. Cause I would. But, I wouldn't change the important things.

Just life I guess. Not always clean or pretty or how we want it. It could be better. It could be worse. And, now that the bleeding has actually started, I'll start sleeping again. I'm seeing my OB this week for my annual (overdue) well woman. I'll be asking for BCP's to take me through and into menopause. One thing all the fertility treatments has done as enabled me to recognize is how my body reacts to the female hormones. That edgey, anxiety ridden, tense, tired, but can't sleep insomniac that always comes in the follecular stage where in theory my body produces an egg that could become a child. My body just doesn't do well with estrogen and follicle stimulating hormones. I haven't missed them. Made me almost wish I was still lactating. I'm not thrilled with the bleeding and cramps. I'm looking for the progesterone side of the cycle. I don't need the E2 of FSH. My ovaries are crap anyway. I'm done. I'm on the other side. Thank God!

Another day another dollar

Things always look brighter after a good night sleep....wait, I had a crap night sleep where little sleep was had and not restful....so, let's just say that things always look better during the light of a new day. Work still basically sucks, but I emailed an old team member who was let go to complain and called my old boss to chat and catch up. My mom is going to stay the weekend and we are going to take the kids to my sisters on Sunday so I will have help and plans. I'm sure there is more, but I'm fried. I also suspect that I'm having a hormone shift with too much estrogen and that a bleed may be headed my way. The trouble sleeping I've been having lately (hated stims for that reason), the acne, and greasy hair over the last few days causing me to hair wash every day instead of a few times a week as I have been plus the glum mood and near tears turn to anger yesterday added with the yucky bloated achy feeling in the nether region that started tonight all seem to be headed in that direction. I'm self prescribing two Tylenol PM and heading to bed.

Blue

I'm feeling blue. As a color, it's one of my favorites. As an emotion or state of mind, I'm not too fond of it. Mostly, this is related to work, but as such, I can't really talk about it. And, all the people I would have talked about it in the past are long gone or too busy or both. This realization was triggered by an email I read that was neither bad nor good really but interesting in what it could or could not mean. In the past, I would have called up any handful of people to ponder, discuss, and theorize. Today, I realized none of those people were left. In another email, I read that we are only two thirds through with job cuts.

The project I'm working on is messed up and things aren't getting turned around fast enough and I'm working long hours. I've been fortunate that most of my career work has been fun and I've really enjoyed it. Now, more often than not it feels like work. How can I motivate others to increase their productivity when I'm not feeling very motivated or being very productive myself? Waa waa, cry me a river.

I'm keeping my eye out for a new job, but nothing really fits. There was only one that seemed like it was a great match and I've never heard back, probably paid too much/overqualified. The rest are not even close enough to make it worth my while to apply in this type of market while there are too many others looking for work with more energy, motivation, and time.

I guess I should be happy that I have a job that pays decent, if less than what it did in the past. Luckily, I have not been affected as severly as others (like my current boss, specifics unknown but implied significant) with the worst being a woman on my team whose husband is in the hospital that has been the sole family provider for years due to his disability and a daughter off to college getting hit with a 30% pay cut on top (I believe) of the across the board cuts. Too many people are working too hard/long (even if not productively and efficiently at the moment) to not be able to pay their bills, let alone the ones who don't have jobs.

Maybe I'll email or call my old boss who retired last year. We haven't talked in awhile.