Uninspired

I’m feeling uninspired and mildly depressed. We had a fairly low key weekend. Max was feeling a tad under the weather with a cold which he has now shared with me. I went on BCP’s and bled this weekend. Yes, disgusting I know, but true. I guess the good news is that lining isn’t one of my issues; the bad news is that shedding it is messy. I am not kidding when I say that I went through 4 pair of undies and pants/shorts on Saturday.

I feel like I should start some diet and/or exercise program, make an acupuncture appointment; call to get in with the chiropractor, get a massage, etc. Just can’t get motivated. Maybe tomorrow.

I was going to take one last dose of dex, but forgot. Oh well, I guess I will consider myself weaned enough.

Not that I haven’t gotten a few things done.

Hey, I called the peds office/talked to the nurse to make sure that the “rattling” in Max’s chest isn’t anything to be concerned about since he doesn’t have a fever. Apparently, a “rattle” is fine. However, a “wheeze on intake and outtake of breath would not be good. Not sure I entirely know the difference, but not going to worry about it other than to set up the humidifier in his room.

I ordered/reserved/rented a crib and box of age appropriate toys for our trip to AZ in April. They deliver. My cousin is hoping they also set up. I think she thinks I’m crazy for insisting on having a crib for Max instead of a pack-n-play or having him sleep with me. He is too big for a pack-n-play and would climb out of it in 5 seconds flat. It will be hard enough for us to share a room together for the trip let alone attempt to co-sleep.

I took my cousin to the airport this morning.

I got my taxes turned into my accountant on Friday. Hoping for a refund. A nice big one.

I rearranged the house/Max’s toys on Saturday.

Spent Sunday morning with my cousin, who was with my friend most of the weekend to help after her surgery, and we took Max to the park, went to church, and out to lunch.

Max and I had some good old quality time together.

Just feeling fat and sad and uninspired and blah. And, tired and sick. I guess I’m just used to feeling a bit happier, more content.

Crying for my friend tonight

My friend H had her double mastectomy today. She was in surgery for 7 hours and wasn’t out of recovery a half hour ago when I got an update from my cousin (who didn’t end up getting in until 12:40 this morning 12 hours and 40 minutes after she was supposed to have arrived and left my house at 6 am to take H to the hospital).* I guess they found cancer in H's lymph nodes which they didn’t think they would. My cousin said they think they got it all, but this from the doctor who told H it wasn’t in her nodes so not to worry about it. And, the cells are microscopic. They went three nodes higher than they thought they needed to and really couldn’t go any more without affecting her arm (didn’t really understand that part, but basically they took out every thing they could). They really won’t know more until they get the pathology report back about mid week next week.

I know H was really hoping it had been caught early and contained just in the breast tissue. Since it is in the nodes, it is just more likely that it could spread; that they didn’t get it all; that chemo and/or radiation will be needed; and her recovery and battle longer and harder.

She was telling me the other day that the type of cancer that she has is in strands instead of tumor like and that it is often under categorized as a result because they all have to be added together to get the true picture. It is a rare form of breast cancer.

I’m just so sad for her tonight for having to go through this at all. Loosing your breasts has to be a lot like dealing with infertility and how you look and feel about yourself as a woman. We talked about that a bit the other day.

I wish I could be there with her; wish I could do more for her; wish she didn’t have to deal with this; wish they got it all; she goes/stays in remission and gets to have a long life to see her children grow.

I’m also feeling sad for Dr. P and her family tonight and missing Dr. N. I sent some money in memory of Dr. N for their children’s education fund. I got a thank you note back today. Dr. P said that because of generosity of me and others that they should all be able to go to any college they choose. I’m very happy and relieved about that. I’m glad that I was able to contribute like I wanted. I’m also sad. She said that she is devastated by the loss and time doesn’t seem to be making the pain less. She also said how special I was to Dr. N** and how she sees the picture of us (Dr. N, Dr. P, me and Max) the day after I delivered Max as a symbolic blessing. Dr. N helped me conceive Max and Dr. P helped deliver him. It really is a great picture. Max was just looking at it and holding it today and I was telling him “his story”.

I guess what really has me sad tonight is the loss of dreams. My dream of having another biological child, period, let alone another that Dr. N helped conceive and Dr. P helped deliver. The loss of Dr. P’s dream of raising her family with Dr. N. The loss and struggle that H has in front of her.

As Dr. P said, “we are, after all, the living and so that’s what we do.” Yet sometimes it is harder and sadder than others.

BTW, I’m calling next week to get a referral for a mammogram and/or a breast u/s. I’m going to push for the breast u/s. H’s cancer wasn’t found in the mammogram. It was the u/s that found it. I’ve never had either yet. I’m trying to make time to get some of these important things off my list, getting Max’s birth certificate was one; getting the mammogram or u/s is another; and getting a living will/trust in place is the third. I also got my tax’s dropped off to the tax guy today and expect a refund so that should help. Since life is for the living, I’m trying to get some of this stuff done so I can worry less, just in case.

* My cousin has a special skill in helping people in hospital/surgery situations. I wanted and have had her here for both of my surgeries and was very glad/grateful. My cousin had her kids early, right after she graduated from college with a teaching degree which she never used because she realized when she was student teaching that she didn't really like it. She went back to school to become a nurse when her older two were tots, but it became too much. She really does have a calling in this area. Anyway, when she was visiting last week she went to a few appointments with H (they have become sort of friends over the years when my cousin has come to visit). Anyway, because her kids are older now, she was able to arrange to come back out and be H's hospital advocate and help in all the ways I wish I could if I had the time and Max was older. I'm so glad that she could be here to help, even if a bit sad that it wasn't me. And, I know that I don't have the same skill and compassion and "hospital ease" that my cousin has. It really is a niche skill, but one in which she excels.

** It’s odd when you think about it that Dr. N was so special to me and that I was affected so much by his death. I mean, he wasn't more than a doctor to me really, but I did feel a special bond with him. I'm glad that he seemed to have felt it as well since both his wife and his business partner told me so. I miss him too Dr. P. I can understand your devastation and pain. I really can.

Sad and Grieving

Haven’t had much to say. I’m taking this negative harder than my recent others. I knew that since it was not easy for me to conceive Max, it would likely not be easy to conceive a sibling which is why I started as early as possible….a year ago now. While I didn’t think it would be easy, I did think that it would be possible, eventually, if I just kept at it. With this negative, I think I have lost the last little bit of hope on that. Yes, I have been thinking about, doing preliminary research about, and mentally trying to “get there” around donor eggs. I’m not so opposed to DE to reach my end goal of a larger family, but ….I’m still sad about loosing the genetic connection. Part of me laughs at that because I really don’t think my gene’s are all that great. Yet, the did produce half of Max. And, he is just great. So, I’ve been doing a lot of cyclical thinking and grieving.

When I haven’t been grieving, I’ve been moody and annoyed. Some of the annoyance is reasonable. Some if it not so much. I could go into details and give many examples, but I’m just sad and tired and don’t feel like it.

I’m going to make myself go on BCP’s in a day or two. I really need the break and I know me. If I don’t, I’ll be back in the RE’s office 10 – 12 days from now for an u/s to check things out.

I also keep telling myself that I really need to get serious about loosing weight and should probably start going to acupuncture again. Can’t seem to get motivated to do either at the moment.

It’s not that I’m walking around being a raving bitch or anything. I’m not bursting into tears at any given moment. I do feel like it much more than usual when I have some down time, but I don’t have much down time.

Things aren’t all bad, doom and gloom. Max, other than being a tad under the weather and testing, challenging, and throwing tantrums when he is tired and/or can’t have his way, is really great. He is just so smart and funny and amazing. He does keep me on my toes and “present”.

I have gotten a few things off the list like sewing the corners of 3 sets of sheets and submitting the paperwork to get Max’s birth certificate. I’m not laying about in a depressed haze getting nothing done.

My friend has her surgery tomorrow (double mastectomy). My cousin was supposed to be here at noon; was delayed until 2:40; and got the call on my cell phone after I was already almost at the airport that she was still sitting on the tarmac and hadn’t even left yet (annoying, even if unreasonably so).

I’m functioning. I’m living life. I’m going out. I’m enjoying my son. I’m getting things done. Yet, underneath it all, I’m sad and grieving.

And, adding insult to injury, as happens after each and every negative…getting your period and feeling icky and bloated and crampy and gross. I started spotting yesterday with full on flow today. I guess I’ll call today cd1. Not that it matters.

Officially Negative

This cycle is officially a bust. Not unexpected. Still sad. I added in a progesterone test as well and it was much better 19.2. I was using some suppositories from a different pharmacy at the first part of my cycle that I really liked, but obviously, completely ineffective. I seriously thought about not taking my progesterone last night both the shot and the suppository or only doing one of them since I was almost certain that it was another failed cycle, but I knew I wanted to get a read on what the number is after switching to the other suppository and doing the PIO.

I’m actually going out with the girls tonight, which will be good. But, truthfully, all I feel like doing right now is having a good cry. And, as much fun as I have and as glad as I am after having gone out, it is hard for me to not see Max at night and put him to bed.

I’m taking a month off. At least a month off. Maybe those two follicles that didn’t ovulate that are sitting there as cysts will have gone away by then. I’m going to go on BCP’s after I get my period then do a combo clomid/injectable cycle with the meds I have left. When that doesn’t work, I’m going to take another month off and do another attempt at an estrogen priming protocol cycle. When that doesn’t work, I’m moving on to donor egg.

Extra P4 Helping

The extra progesterone seems to be helping. Spotting and cramping is gone. So is the edginess and high strung feeling I was having. I think I got 7 whole hours of sleep last night and am still tired. Hmm, I’m not sure what is worse feeling hyped and getting less than the needed amount of sleep or feeling tired and dragging all day. I thought about adding a PIO shot in the morning as well as at night since truly you can never have too much progesterone during your luteal phase, but was too tired to actually do it. Plus, since spotting and cramping has stopped it is just overkill and a waste of drugs. Not that they are that expensive, but waste is waste.

4.4

That would be my progesterone number from Friday. No wonder I’m spotting. Ha, my worst progesterone number yet, which is quite a feat since they are usually pretty bad with the worst being 7 with no supplementation on my second cycle. Sigh. I was hoping for at least a 6 or 7. Email from clinic said Dr. Q wants me to start 200 mg progesterone twice a day. Of course, I started that a week ago and told Dr. Q and the nurse assistant that I was going to, but didn’t need a prescription because I had some. Another sigh. Okay, with a score that low, spotting is likely unrelated to implantation and just flat low P4 and the break down of the lining. Oh well, not saying the cycle is a complete bust, but not likely.

However, this whole process is such a mind fuck anyway so who knows. After I posted last night, I started thinking that I am stilling having pressure in my left ovary area and about the worst possible outcome of this cycle which would be an ectopic causing me to loose my left tube. The funny thing is that it really didn’t seem as bad as it would have just a few short months ago. It would really be the final straw that pushed me to DE as opposed to trying a few more pathetic times with my own eggs.

Just got another email back from clinic, adding 1 cc of PIO and another 200 mg suppository a day. You know, just in case.

Implantation?

I woke up this morning to spotting. After my initial freak out, I realized it may be a good thing. It is way to early for me to be getting my period, which I typically get even on progesterone. I do have a history of spotting while pregnant. In fact, I spotted each and every time. I hate that, especially since two out of the three ended in miscarriage. The timing would be right for implantation spotting. I am still crampy, but no more spotting after that bit this morning and not enough to stain a panty, just visible on the tp.*

We had nice warm weather here today and spent most of it outdoors with Max in and out of his blow-up pool…naked….which I am able to fill with warm water due to a faucet outside my kitchen sink. He LOVED it and had the best time. I had a nice visit with my mom and my youngest sister. Trying to stay hydrated in what had to be almost triple digit temperatures has been tough.

This time change, while not completely smooth, has gone better than the last one so far. Max woke up at his normal time, pre-time change and went to nap at his normal time, pre-time change. But, I was able to get him down 30 min. early to bed and hope to continue to adjust from there. If he isn’t awake by 6 am tomorrow, I may have to wake him. I guess I’ll see how it goes.

We made it to church at 9:30 am for the 9 am service this morning and Max was all over the place and asking for the “car” and “car keys” after 10 minutes, but I’m glad we made the effort and my cousin was able to get that confirmation sponsor form signed by the priest so one less thing that needs to be done.

All and all a good day, but I am feeling tired and sweaty on top of crampy. I think it is time for a cool shower, followed by a warm bath. Night night.


* Have to take it back, just went to the restroom and more spotting. Even if my beta is negative next week, I’m gong to be convinced that at a minimum I had a fertilized egg that failed to implant. The only reason I would be spotting this early is for implantation. Has to be. I’m 8 dpo. Implantation should happen by 7 dpo. Not saying it will make it, just that there is no other reason for spotting this early….unless I didn’t ovulate, which I SAW happening, which I got a P4 test to confirm. So, anything above a 4 on the P4 test and this just has to be implantation. I think it has to be a little burrowing in going on. Don’t you think?

One down; One to go

One week down, one week to go.

If implantation occurred, it would have occurred by now.

I completely forgot to take my progesterone a few nights ago. Woke up at 4 am and remembered then, so got up and got it from the fridge and took it then and again at my normal time. My son is as light a sleep as I am some times, because apparently me opening and closing the fridge door woke him up. Thank goodness he went back to sleep. Actually, he has been sleeping great lately, even with his routing being messed with a bit. I wish I could say the same. I’m not looking forward to the time change and hoping it goes better this way than the other. Now, most people I know wouldn’t try to change his schedule and would go with the 1 pm nap time, 8 pm bed time for a 6:30 ish wake up, but I just can’t do that schedule. I really need Max to be up at 5:30 am ish for me to start work at 9 am with getting breakfast and a walk and a shower in before hand without being too stressed and in a time crunch.

My cousin and her daughter are in for the week. They got in last night, messing with Max’s bed time. We went to a local SMC get together earlier today, messing with Max’s nap time a bit. But, I got him back on track tonight with a nice long wind down. It helped that my cousin is off with my mom to the movies so it was just Carolyn, Max, and I.

I had a nice and somewhat emotional lunch with my friend that was just diagnosed with cancer on Friday afternoon. She met with the oncologist on Friday morning who told her that 2007 will be her year to beat this. I think that shook her up more than anything because she was thinking a few months, not the rest of the year. And, if she doesn’t beat it by the end of the year, it will not be good. She found out that the cancer she has is very rare and she will likely have to do chemo too, instead of just surgery and radiation. On top of all of that she lost her dog for a few days after the dog got spooked while hiking, but has since been found. Scary emotional stuff this cancer.

Anyway, things have been fine around her except I’ve been so distracted that I keep forgetting meds (forgot the dex a few times here and there as well as the progesterone the other day). I did decide to go in for a progesterone test on Friday…just to see.

I’ve haven’t been sleeping great; a bit edgy; a bit over wired. But, so darn tired once I have a chance to stop. I have been feeling twinges and cramping a bit in the uterus area, but know not to hold much stock in that since I have gotten it on cycles that I wasn’t pregnant as well. I thought about and have felt like doing a bit of “self pleasuring” to take the edge off, but decided to forgo any purposeful uterine spasms. Oddly enough, I have also really, really wanting to drink some wine, red wine specifically, and I have a wine fridge full sitting right in my family room. The reason this is so odd is that I haven’t felt much like drinking wine since when I was pregnant with Max. I’ve opened a few bottles and had a bit and the rest just goes to waste over the last year or so. If this cycle is negative, I think I’ll open a bottle and drink some whether I feel like some or not at the time.

Anyway, one week down and another week to wait. I’m not as optimistic as I was a week ago because I’m almost positive only the lead follicle, the one we saw collapsing, ovulated and the other two are sitting there as cysts. So, instead of 3 chances, there was likely only one, but it is better than zero. I thought about going in for an u/s, but didn’t really have the time this week and figured there really was no point other than to prove myself right. Now, I’ll be crushed if the p4 test comes back under 4, especially after seeing that follicle collapse at the time of IUI, but decided I wanted to know. I’m not expecting a great number. I’d be happy with 10, fine with 9, could live with a 7 or 8 but would significantly increase my progesterone supplementation, and it is going to take the wind out of my sales if under that. Yes, yes, I know, 15 is the “minimum” for medicated cycles with supplementation, but that just won’t happen and based on my history not something I’m even worried about. I’m happy with 10 and fine with 9.

One week down, one week to go. It should go fast with my cousin here as there is something going on/scheduled every day and I’m working every day except next Friday where I think we are going to go to the aquarium for the day or as long as Max lasts.

Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve decided not to test while she is here and just waiting until a week from Monday since the 2 weeks is officially a week from today and getting a blood draw on a Saturday just isn’t worth it …unless my clinic happens to be open/a working weekend…maybe I’ll call just to check it out. No, no. I’ll just wait.

What’s two more days, right?.....said today….subject to change as “the day” gets closer.

One week down; One week to go.

Holy Fuck

My friend Heather found out she has breast cancer today. She is my oldest friend in the area. One of the few friends I have that lives in a close physical distance, meaning I can get to her house in 10 – 15 minutes depending on traffic. We met through our dogs at a park about 10 years ago now. We both lost those dogs this year and she lost her older dog within months of the other one. She just can’t catch a break. This is the friend that lost her first daughter during pre-term labor 5 years ago in November. Her second daughter lived 11 days in the NICU 4 years ago in December. Not being able to take another loss, she and her husband had boy/girl twins 3 years ago in January (ETA via gestational suragate). She just got to the point where things were starting to get a bit easier and not such a blur with the physical demands and lack of sleep associated with young children/young twins. She was finally going to be able to finish her book. And now this! She just can’t catch a fucking break.

She has been having some discharge from one of her breast on and off for a year or so now. She has gone in several times, but they haven’t been able to find anything. She was so not ready and was sure it was something, but not cancer. We specifically talked about that last week when talking about my cousin who had a scare and was asked to come back for a follow up after finding a calcium deposit on one of her breasts. Heather’s mammogram came back normal. They tried to do this milked duct test first before insurance would pay for an u/s and MRI, but it didn’t work so she and her husband decided to pay out of pocket for the test. They actually found the cancer in the other breast. She found out this morning and went back this afternoon for a closer look. They saw it in three spots. She goes back on Friday for more tests to make sure it isn’t in the bones or in the lungs, hoping and praying that today is the day her life was saved because they found it early enough while looking for something else. There is no lump or any other sign it is present. She has no history of breast cancer in her family. She was so not expecting this.

She is going to have surgery within the next few weeks, probably a double mastectomy and radiation with chemotherapy after if it has spread. Then, we will hope and pray that they get it all, she goes and stays in remission, and that she gets to live to see the children she fought so hard for grow.

Her life has just been turned upside down like that. She’s trying to find a full time nanny to take of her kids while she goes through this and set things as best she can for them. She has been a SAHM with them since they were born so anyway it goes, it is going to be difficult on them as well. She’s feeling overwhelmed like they should give up their new puppy because it will be the one too many thing right now and is not sure she can take the extra stress of making sure he gets walked every day (when her husband will promise to do it and then it won’t get done). She’s got tons of appointments and tests and procedures to submit.

Oh, God. Holy Fuck. Please let her be okay. Please let her beat this. As she said, let today be the day that her life was saved and that she becomes a breast cancer survivor instead of a breast cancer victim.

I’m crying for her now and wishing I could do more.

P4 and More Max Funnies

Started progesterone today. I’m glad that I actually saw the follicle ovulating/collapsing on the u/s because my ovary has still been a bit sore. I’m hoping it is just because it is feeling overworked by producing three follicles in one month after such a rest…like a sore muscle overused after non-use…instead of having cysts because no all the follicles ovulated and/or were egg producing. I’ve thought about calling for an u/s to check, but have decided at least for now to not since it really wouldn’t matter in the whole scheme of things. I may decided to get a 7 dpo P4 (progesterone) test on Friday, just to check things out and make sure I really did ovulate even though I saw it on the u/s myself. You know, have to have a few neurosis in a 2ww and all.

Otherwise, doing fine. I’m a bit tired. But, the progesterone will add to that. Plus, I stayed up late last night to finish a book and Max woke up in the 4 o’clock hour (which he hasn’t done in ages) calling “momma, mommy, momma, mommy” for a few minutes before he started to cry so I sucked it up and brought him in my bed where we cuddled and watched sports center, with me giving a narrative of the sports and what was happening. Fun time had by all.

Election Day tomorrow. New inspector who wanted to set up early today. For those who may not know, my garage is the polling place for my precinct. Odd for other parts of the country, but not so odd for California. We agreed upon noon. He showed up at 11 am with his wife while I was in the middle of an employee review. Great! Lovely! Good thing I have high caliber understanding employees reporting to me. Now, maybe I should stop wasting time on the computer and go figure out what’s on the ballot. There is some heated school board election going on if the phone calls and flyers are indicative of anything…and the poll asking about it. More fun times.

Max is doing a lot of other really cute things these days, but most you just have to see to get the true picture. Often these days when he wants me to pick him up, he will just curl into me and put his head on my shoulder for the longest time. Gosh. I just love moments like that even if I do get a bit tired of hearing “up, up, up, up. up” usually when I least have time to pick him up, but then do anyway and am glad I did. That reminds me, I had this really weird dream the other night about this very thing. It was just of Max saying up, up, up, up, up and tugging on my leg and following me around and I couldn’t pick him up and couldn’t figure it out and then I woke up disoriented realizing that it was only a dream.

Mondays are hard for Max after being with me all weekend. He has mastered opening my office door and barged in on an annual review, yes the same one that got interrupted by the election inspector to set up, and started screaming when he got booted out of the room and I locked the door. Poor guy.

I got all set up to put him in time out and explained what would happen if he continued to hit after a warning. And, he hasn’t done it since. I’m sure it is just a coincidence, but with him you never really can tell. About a month ago, we were out to eat and he started coughing and told him it was polite to cover his mouth when he coughed and showed him (have since learned that you are supposed to teach them to cough into their elbow instead of hand these days…who knew?). Fast forward a few weeks and am positive that I hadn’t used that word with him again and I told him it was polite to say excuse me when you burp instead of just saying “Excuse me momma I burped” for him. To which, he started coughing and covered his hand over his mouth like I had showed him once week prior. How scary is that?

Now, if I’ve told him once, I’m sure I’ve told him a thousand times that basket ball is basketball when he calls it football. I know he knows this, but think he has a harder time saying basketball (my mom thinks he is being stubborn). Probably, I should just let it go and let him call it what he wants, but I can’t. So, I just say, yes, that’s a basketball.

Max calls lemons (and oranges and limes) la la’s and uses them like balls. It’s very cute. And, I like them because they are a bit off shape and less likely to roll into the street. We have several la la trees in our neighborhood and both my next door neighbors have trees and keep my supplied. He was crying and having a fit if I could reach one to give to him and faking him out by bring him one and pretending to pick it wasn’t working anymore so I would stretch really tall and say “Uggh!, It is tooo TALL. I can not touch.” Which of course, Max now repeats with pleasure at each tree we see. Very funny! Now, when I do see them, I do tell Max they are lemons, but acknowledge his word for it as well like I do with the football/basketball thing. You know, for consistency sake and so he does grow up knowing the proper word for it when he is ready and able.

Oh right, I was going to look into the election stuff. Not feeling the motivation. Hmm, stalled enough that Max is now home. Likely not happening tonight now.

Fertilization, Meiosis, and Funnies

If fertilization was going to occur for this cycle, it would be completed by now. Sperm meet egg, voila…fertilization.

If the fertilization occurred, meiosis would now be complete as well. Have you heard of meiosis? I hadn’t for the longest time and it is so gosh darn important to the process of making a baby. The book called “Coming to Term, Uncovering the Truth about Miscarriage” by Jon Cohen has a whole chapter on it called Scrambled Eggs. The egg has two full sets of chromosomes (didn’t know that either until well into this TTC and only found out when I learned about meiosis). The way I understand it is that one set of 23 chromosomes splits off and the other set pairs up with the set from the sperm. I’ll quote from the book “for meiosis to proceed without error, the male and female chromosomes have to touch each other in many places – and it matters where they touch, too……..in older eggs, chromosomes had fewer points at which they touch their partners, and their unions more often occur near the tip…..chromosome pairs with either a reduced number of crossovers or ones that occurred near their tips became more susceptible to sticking together. But whether they actually do stick together –ultimately leading to an egg that contributes either too few or too many chromosomes – depends on age”. When meiosis doesn’t occur properly you get trisomies (three copies of one chromosome, when it is chromosome no. 21 it is downs syndrome, but it can happen with others making it incompatible with life), triploidy (three copies of every chromosome), monosomies (a condition in which a chromosome is missing its partner), tetraploides, mosaics, and translations (each of which involve too few or too many chromosomes. You can see why meiosis is so gosh darn important. It is almost guaranteed that my previous m/c were a result of improper meiosis. When people talk about “old eggs” and such, they are almost always referring to meiosis even if they don’t always realize it. Things like Omega and fish oils are supposed to help meiosis occur properly (less sticking) and things like high nitrates are supposed to hinder it. Anyway, if fertilization occurred, meiosis has also already occurred by now, ultimately setting the fate of whether a miscarriage will occur or there is a chance a real live child will be born. Other than recruitment of follicles/eggs to increase the odds, improper meiosis is surely my key fertility issue. At this point, it would have either worked or not worked properly. And, now we just have to wait and see. One (or two)..smile..fertilized eggs with the proper number of chromosomes resulting in the right number of fingers and toes and organs on a healthy child (or two) is all I want. Not much to ask, right? Yet, the odds are clearly not in my favor.

Now, on to some Max funnies….

Max’s favorite and in my mind funniest words the last few days is “It’s mine”. Used anytime he wants something that wants and/or he can’t have. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it at least 20 times a day the last few days. To which I respond, yes, that is yours, if it is. No, that’s mommies, but I’ll share it with you. Etc.

Max has found a few things lately that really are not appropriate and annoy the hell out of me. The top of the list is hitting. Most often Shadow has been the target, but the cat and I have also taken our hits. Now, they aren’t hard, but it is the principle and while I know he doesn’t understand that it can hurt, he does clearly understand that I don’t want him to do it. Telling him, no hitting, just causes repeat hitting that is harder and faster. Twice now, I have strapped him into his high chair for one minute for a mini-time out which did seem to make an impression, but I don’t want to use the high chair for punishment because I don’t want to cause a bad association with the high chair. And, I will need to have him strapped in because he will not sit there on his own, even for a minute. I think I’m going to pull in this old plastic booster chair from the garage and use it as a “naughty chair”. It anyone has any BTDT advice or other ideas, feel free to share.

Now, I know the above story isn’t a funny, but it laid the ground work. Apparently, when I was telling Max “No Hitting” I was getting a stern look on my face and pointing my finger at him while I said this and waving it back and forth. Of course, I realized this when he got all serious and did it back to me. I did stop myself from laughing, but my mouth must have quivered to not smile, because his did the same mirroring back to me. Oh my. This kid. He really is something else, smart and charming, and going to give me a run for my money. Because it is hard for me to be stern when he’s mirroring and mocking me and can clearly care less what I say, I need to find a better approach. I’m hoping the naughty chair will do it. The strategy has helped when walking around the neighborhood to keep him from going into the street. It took awhile, not because he didn’t understand, but because he had to test, and test, and test again, that if he even puts one foot into the street, he gets strapped into the stroller for the rest of the walk. We ended up taking an impromptu walk around the street this morning without the stroller and he got close and I could see the temptation and so wanted to tell him “no street” but held my tongue because it would have prompted him to do it for sure, and he turned away and ran toward me. So, I reinforced the positive behavior by cheering and clapping and thanking him for making such a wise choice. To which he smiled, pleased, and we had a pleasant rest of walk.

He hasn’t been into the TV at all lately after that big phase back a month or so ago and I have to watch not being the one to initiate turning it on. I do on occasion when I really just need to get something done or need a break, but I do question myself each time to make sure I can’t find an alternative. He still likes to watch his basket ball. And, her really does watch it and cheer when a basket is made as Susan my neighbor exclaimed when I got home. I do let him turn this on/watch it a bit, but not obsessively or for long.

Well, I’m hearing talking/chattering from Max’s room signaling an end to nap/break time.

May fertilization and proper meiosis have happened, that is my current hope and prayer. If so, the long journey down the fallopian tubes to the uterus would have started.

Swimmers On Board

My IUI went fine this morning. I was ovulating at the time. Kind of cool to see. Dr. Q, apparently, wasn’t planning on doing an u/s, just the IUI and only did it because I made some comment about how I was always worried I would ovulate too soon, but it hadn’t happened yet. He asked me if I wanted to take a look. I was like…ah, yeah, are you kidding? It never occurred to me that they wouldn’t do one as Dr. N had every single time. While I still think Dr. Q is young and a bit immature, he is growing on me. Not in the same ballpark as Dr. N, but hey, it works because I get my way on basically everything I want. I was thinking fondly of Dr. N on my way in and how on those first few cycles, when I was really worried about ovulating early, he never minimized my fears or tell me I was crazy or to not worry about it. He would say, why do you think so? Do you want to come in and have it checked out? And he would do an u/s and an IUI a day early for me. Dr. N really was the perfect RE for me. I still miss him. I probably always will. With my work bonus last month, I finally have the extra cash I needed to send the amount I wanted to Dr. P in Dr. N’s memory for the kids’ education fund. I just need to sit down and write out the check and the card I want to send with it.

Did I mention here that I couldn’t resist figuring out my due date if this cycle worked? I haven’t done that in awhile. I guess I have at least a little hope for this cycle. Conditions don’t get any better than this for me. The question is, did the eggs have any kind of quality? It would be November 24, 2007. This is the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

And, now I wait. And, so begins yet another 2ww.

Triggering

Thirty minutes and counting until trigger....8:30 pm local time. Originally, it was 7:30 pm tonight for a 7:30 am IUI on Saturday, but they called late this afternoon to change it by an hour. Since it was so early and in the time we would normally be out walking, I was just going to take Max and then stop for breakfast before driving home. Now, that really isn't going to work. I may see if I can get someone to watch Max for a few hours instead. If not, I'll make it work, but it really will screw up our routine. Sigh. All worth it if it works.

Well, sometimes things just work out. My neighbor just return my call as I was typing this and she has agree to watch Max for me on Saturday morning. I think that will just make things easier all around. I trust her. Max knows her. She has really helped me out a few times now like watching Max when I went to have Lucky put down, when I needed to run out and get a top for Dr. N's funeral, and now this. I need to think of something nice to do for her and her husband. I mean, I have helped them as well. When Bill had to have hand surgery and Susan had to be out of town for work, I picked him up and brought him home. So, I don't feel like a total leech, but it is nice to have someone close that you trust to help out. I asked Noemi the other day, just in csae, and she can't do it because she has plans. I have the names of two other people, one a teenager around the corner and the other a nanny that my friend used to use that said she would be happy to pick up a few hours. I guess, I need to call and have them both come a time or two when I am here to meet Max and see how things go.

Anyway, so far, no LH surge. I've been only using the internet cheepie OPK's since I ran out of the others, but haven't been concerned enough that they don't work for me that I ran out to buy more. Heck, I've been more tempted to go buy chocholate, but have resisted. Plus, I still feel some ovarian pressure so figure the follicles are still there and growing. I haven't ever surged yet before they hit 24 and have never ovualed early after a trigger despite my repeated worry so I am now able to push it to background.

Enough rambling. I'm going to go clean up, trigger, take a warm bath, and then crash. I'm feeling tired.

Twenty minutes and counting until trigger. Not one of those cycles were I almost forget. Counting down. Can you tell?

Three, 3, III

I could have cried for joy! I’m on the emotional downswing from my u/s this afternoon. I have 3 follicles. I’m totally fine with this being a scrap cycle. After all, my cycles never really look good on paper. And, I got pregnant with Max on a cycle much, much worse than this one. I’m on cd20 right now. I was cancelled on cd12 for no response after 11 days of stims. Last Friday when I begged for an u/s..okay, really, I didn’t have to beg, I just had to asked, because….I’m like a fixture or part of the staff around there and have been going there longer than at least half of the staff….Anyway, I called and got in last Friday and had two follicles sitting at 13. Today, I have 3….1 at 20; 2 at 18. This is the first response since my one follicle in my cancelled IVF last July. If you add up all the follicles in all the cycles I have attempted for #2 this response probably equals the sum total. I feel like I have a fighting chance this month. I have some hope that this could really be my month. Dr. Q after shaking his head in disbelief asked me if I wanted to try to convert to IVF. I declined. I think I have him convinced to let me trigger on Thursday for a Saturday IUI. I’m supposed to check my LH and call tomorrow. Now, I could trigger tomorrow for a Friday IUI, but I’d like to let them grow one more day. The last two times I’ve gotten pregnant (with Max being the first of those) my lead was at 24. By Thursday, the lead should be just about there. What looked like and should have been another miserable cancellation just a little over a week ago, now looks to be my best cycle yet. I’m so glad I asked for that extra u/s even if I was expecting to have them say I was full of it and didn’t have anything growing. Wow, wow, wow! The quality is dubious, but I’m in the game. It really, really, really could work this month. Hot Damn!

Note: Written on 2/27/07 at 7:30 pm ish, but not able to post because blogger was down so I have now added and post dated. Not that anyone really cares, but...felt like I had to say it for the record. :)

No, No Kool Aid Here!

Here are the latest professional pictures of Max and I from December 31, 2006. Finally got around to scanning them tonight. I had planned on tackling my office and bills this evening. Instead, I chatted on the phone with a friend for 90 + minutes after I put Max to bed, then was unmotavated. I came to the computer to turn it off and got side tracked. Several hours later...here I am. I was thinking earlier today about how I always wanted to be the Koolaid Mom before having a child and now that I have one, I wouldn't give him Koolaid to drink. Max gets water or milk. Okay, I did give him a sip of my Black Cherry Fresca tonight. Yes, he had a major meltdown when he couldn't have more. It wasn't pretty. Typically, I don't drink anything but water when Max is around so I don't mind sharing my drink with him. Yes, I did grow up drinking Koolaid, and Tang for that matter. Remember Tang? And, I survived, but would rather not get Max into the habit so young. There are plenty of years for corrupt eating and drinking habits to come. I'll just try to hold them off as long as possible.

Hope and New Born Babies!

The best part of this week is that my friend M delivered two healthy boys this morning. Her road to being a mommy was longer than any person I know. I’m so happy for her. I got to see her this afternoon and hold one of the babies. She looked great. He was so cute and so small. OMG. Just affirmed for me that I am not ready to give up. I am so darn happy for her.

My u/s this afternoon went very differently than I thought and worth the wait, which started to get me frustrated because it meant I may not get to see my friend and the babies and did cut into visit time. But, my lining was good over 8 with a triple line. And, I had two follicles that had grown to 13. Dr. Q was just shaking his head and kept saying that he didn’t know what to do with me and that I sure wasn’t a text book case. LOL. I assured him that was true. He asked me if I had continued the meds. LOL. Ahhh, no. I was expecting you to tell me I still had nothing there.

We talked about me maybe adding a low dose stim back in. I told him I would think about it, but have opted to not. The stims don’t seem to help and these were growing on their own. So, I’m going to ride it out. I’m going to go in for another u/s next week. Dr. Q said Monday or Tuesday. I’m going to make the appointment for Wednesday if possible since I like them large.

When I walked out, he was talking to all the nurses who were sitting around. I guess I was the last appointment. We all had a laugh about how I’d be back as long as there was the smallest glimmer of hope since I had conceived Max on such a scrap cycle.

I really can’t believe it. There still is some hope for this cycle. Maybe a little of life left in my ovary. Back to hoping and praying over here. And, yes, I took my prenatals, the dex, and the Omega oil when I got home.

Now, I’m not going crazy with excitement over here. The odds are still not great and the quality is questionable since it is so late in the cycle, but I’m hoping they continue to grow and I get to waste another vial of sperm on a chance this month. That’s all I want. A CHANCE. Okay, what I really want is another miracle, but that can’t happen without a chance.

Maybe holding the baby (gosh, was he gorgeous, but I think I already said that) will help. Don’t they emit some fertility pheromone or something?

ETA: And, my consult with the financial coordinator went well. Got all the information I needed plus information on about 6 or so DE agencies to look into research. They have two packages. Glad we talked. Well worth the time.

Avoidance

Avoidance has been my biggest coping strategy of the week. Truth be told, it hasn’t been as hard as one might think because all my extra energy has gone to work, which is extremely busy, and Max, who has required a few extra cycles/more energy this week. It also helped that I avoided talking to most of my friends thus avoiding have to talk about “the failure”. Yes, I have been a really bad friend this week. I just couldn't make myself do call backs or pick up the phone. Just couldn’t. Didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to think about it. Wanted to pretend all was fine. I was fine. My big rebellion, other than avoiding friends, was not taking my prenatal vitamins and fish oil pills. I took avoidance too far with completely forgetting to wean myself from the Dex. Wednesday night I was feeling physically pretty crappy along with emotionally drained when it occurred to me that it was likely caused my the cold stop to the Dex. I took it and went to bed and woke up physically better.

The thing is, I have only been able to take avoidance so far because my ovary, the left one, hurts. It’s sore. It is a constant reminder on how fucked up my fertility is right now.

I have some questions for the RE that I haven’t called or emailed. I remembered a friend who used an acu that is very close to me, across the street from my grocery store I think, but haven’t called to get the name/number. I just haven’t been able to take any action, at all, in regards to this latest failed cycle.

And, then, this morning, I had a lots of cervical mucus. And, I called and set up an appointment for another u/s this afternoon just to make sure that nothing is growing. Yes, I know that even if a follicle has grown the egg quality at this point is likely bad, but I can’t help myself. I need the quantitative data …okay MORE quantitative data…because even with two u/s showing there was nothing going, a high FSH, and a low Inhibin B.. I want to hold on to a little hope. For another miracle.

While I’m in, I’m meeting with the financial coordinator to talk about a DE cycle.

I hate my ovaries

Just awake stewing about how much I hate my ovaries and filled with self loathing right now.

I guess I’m officially on my break from ttc for the next few months while I try to loose weight, go to acupuncture, do whatever else I can think of that might help/not hurt before trying once more with my own eggs.

The thing with this approach is that it places blame for the continued failure to have a child (another child) squarely on myself. If only I was better, it would have and still has a chance of working. If I were skinnier, healthier, calmer, took more time for self care….whatever….it probably would have and still could work.

The reality is that even if I can do some of these things, it probably still won’t work, and then there will just be more to hate and resent.

I’m thinking about going to see a therapist to talk through some of this stuff cause I know that how I’m thinking now….last night/early this morning….it isn’t healthy. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about how people turn to drugs/alcohol/food/whatever drown or avoid the feelings and wishing I had something better. How, I was letting some of the sorrow and pain out, but only a small part because the rest was too great it scares me and I just can’t right now. I have too much to do with taking care of Max, work, and life to let myself feel the full force of my disappointment in myself and the repeated failures of late.

A few weeks ago, I was reading on one of the fertility sites I browse on occasion and read a thread that talked about pet-peeves. Mostly people were talking about non-fertility related stuff, but a few listed stuff around trying to conceive. Since then, I’ve been thinking about mine…when people call themselves “poor responders” and then say, I ONLY had 5 follicles/3 eggs/ xx whatever. Even at my best, I never got that. Never made it to ER. Not once. Never will. I’ve been thinking I should start the ‘no responders’ support group, but that sadly, I’d be the only member I know and it would be just like now with me having a pity party for myself. I know, I know…the people that say that still don’t have a child or another child and relatively speaking, it isn’t great. I really do understand where they are coming from. I do. But, there odds are 5 times. 3 times, xx times better than mine.

My odds are ZERO. I can’t even fucking get in the game. I don’t even get to play. Or, rather, I can try. I can try as hard or as long or as many times I want, but the result is still the same.

And, if I was “better”, more worthy, it probably would have work.

And, if I hadn’t miscarried 9 months ago I’d have Max’s sibling in my arms. I was sad then about the loss, but at least happy that I still had and could get pregnant. That it didn’t work this time, but if I just tried long enough, enough times, it was an odds game and it would eventually work. Since then…9 months ago…I have had one and only one true follicle on my cancelled IVF cycle. I have nothing to show for my time, efforts, money except more pain and sorrow. I’ve tried. I’ve tried everything I know…except loosing weight, acupuncture, and whatever and if I had done that then …hey, maybe it would have work.

I hate the blame game, especially when I’m blaming myself.

I have more thoughts about DE and moving to DE and being okay with it, but that’s another post for another day. Mostly, I think I am fine with moving on, except why am I fine with the internet and my SMC friends knowing, but feel like I wouldn’t want my family to know….which has more to do with my own feelings of failure than any support or lack there from them.

And, I decided last night, to not go to my grandmother’s service even without the need to worry about the rest of my cycle. I do feel a small amount of guilt over this, but logistically, I just don’t think I can pull it off. I would need to get myself and Max (because I really really can’t leave him for that long and feel good about it) from home to Northern Michigan by Thursday. This means I would need to leave here no later than Wednesday morning. I just can’t get the tickets, get someone to watch the dog/cat, try to meet up with my cousins (on the other side) in Detroit to get weather appropriate gear for Max; and then drive another 5 hours or so to the service. Assuming no delays or problems, we would have a 6 hour flight with another 5 hours of driving not counting getting to the airport, and not counting the packing. And, not counting all the work I would either need turnover or rather cancel or reschedule for later. If I had another day or two to try to pull things together, I may just be able to do it, but otherwise, I’m just one person trying to do the best I can and attempting this would just put my over the edge right now and I’m too close to going over the top as it is. Plus, two of my sisters (my oldest and my youngest) are already bickering and fighting…started Sunday apparently when my mom and youngest sister took my oldest one out for her Birthday lunch…and now is getting flamed because of the trip for grandma service. I’ll spare you all the petty details, but really THAT was the last deciding straw. I just can’t face having to overcome what already felt like a overwhelming obstacle to go have to listen or be put in the middle of that.

Anyway, just up having a pity party for myself. Stewing. Brooding. Blaming.

I wish I could just truly believe that my latest cancellations and all the ones that came before it this year really just “are” without labeling them. Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, I’m not there yet.

So, I’m left wishing and dreaming. If only. If only. If only.

Where can I get the newer, younger model? I really hate my ovaries (trying to target the hate instead of taking it on in total). I want to trade them in for a new, younger model. Or, at least a set that work.

Good News, Bad News

Max's 18 month check up went well. HE is either on track or advanced in every area. Ped was impressed. No shots.

My ovaries are fucked. I want to trade them in for a new younger model. In spite of ovarian pain and nice CM (cervical mucus), there were now 3 at 8. Last we there were two at 8. Nothing growing. Cancelled. Again. Told them I may check OPK's and come in if I have a surge.

Still haven't decided on whether I'm going to my grandmothers service. I would need to be across country (from California to Northern Michigan) by Wednesday evening for family viewing, Thursday for mass/rosary, and Friday morning for the actual service. I just don't think I can do it in spite of being cancelled. It just isn't enought time to pull things togther.

Feeling tired and wired; happy and sad...all at once.

Grandama

I just got word that my grandma died this evening. She was 92. She was my last living grandparent. My dad called yesterday telling me he thought the end was near. When I hreard this, I regretted not making more of an effort over the last few years to see her/spend time with her. I thought about calling my dad and talking to him about trying to go see her before she passed, but hadn't yet had the chance. She was a big part of my childhood, but not a big part of my adult life. She led a full life and died peacefully. I hate that I'm more stressed about the logistics of whether or not to go the the service (no details yet) than mourning her loss. I don't know if I can swing it with work, with Max, cycling (if I don't get cancelled tomorrow), and financially. But, how can I not go. Why make the time now when I couldn't/didn't when she was still alive? I guess I will wait until I know the details to decide. Part of me says, how can you not go. I was already feeling wired after such a difficult afternoon with Max and after eating too much chocolate (that I shouldn't have bought, but hey ..it was on sale), now I'm just plain stressed out. It's already 11 pm. I'm wired and I still haven't even shot up my stims yet (should have done that hours ago). I'm sure I'll be paying early in the morning since I put Max to bed early.

Grandma - May you rest in peace. I love you! I really do think you are in a better place now. I wish we lived closer. I wish I called more. I wished you had a chance to meet Max instead of just see pictures and hear about him. I know you understood that I was busy building/raising my family. I don't think you ever understood how or why I became a mom without being married, but you loved me and were happy for me anyway.

Oh, what to do, what to do. I can't even find time to get the oil changed in my car, take a pee break during work hours, fix the ever growing things that need to be fixed around here, make a phone call about Max's mommy and me class. How can I take the time to fly across country? How can I afford it right now?

Life is too much of a roller coaster right now. I can't take the highs and the lows. I need smooth waters for awhile. I need to get my bearings and my calm back.

Yet, I feel selfish thinking about me and the impact to my life and not worrying about honoring her life.

What’s up?

My appointment on Thursday went fine. I thought Dr. A was going to do it, but Dr. Q came instead. Fluid u/s should uterus is fine. No fibroids. Which is especially good news if I do end up going the DE route. Two small follicles on left. Nothing on right. Dr. Q thought I should scrap the cycle. I told him I needed to think about it. Dr. A was finishing a consult when I was chatting with the receptionist before I left and called me into his office to talk. He thought I should continue stims through the weekend, do another u/s on Monday, before deciding. This was how I was leaning as well so that is what I have done.

I keep alternating between forgetting that I’m stimming and dreading it after I remember. I seriously thought about just not doing it last night, but did. Then, I got so hopeful that maybe THIS cycle would be the one that worked and that maybe both follicles would have good eggs and I would get pregnant with twins. Ha ha ha ha . Temporary insanity. And, since it is early in the year, it is really easy to add 2 (February) with 9 to equal 11 (Nov.) which would be the due date if this cycle worked with a thought that my ex-bf, the one that I came closest to marrying and still keep in contact with, was born in November. Mostly, it just all seems and feels so hopeless right now and I’m not sure why I’m bothering to go through the trouble and disappointment of yet either another cancellation or another negative.

Thursday was my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. The big 41. Feeling old and fat (and tired)! Work was busy and included a performance review where an employee was telling me he was still struggling with his diabetes and depression and how he wanted someone at work to know what he went through to do the job he did and proceeded to tell me about how he was sexually abused as a child, how his first wife died, his second wife was abusive, his third wife is great, but her kids are rude and obnoxious and how he needed to be freed to live up to his potential. I asked what that meant and he didn’t know. I asked what he wanted me to do and he said it was enough that I was just aware for now. That was the worst part of the day. The best part was at the very end of the day getting a beautiful flower arraignment from Max, courtesy of one of my SMC friends. In between that was work, the u/s, and taking Max to dinner with my mom.

Friday, I did six performance reviews back to back with no break, not even to use the potty. Had 30 minutes to make a few phone calls, grab a bite to eat, use the facilities before I conducted an interview. I was so mentally wiped out that I just hibernated Friday night after putting Max to bed.

Yesterday, Saturday, was great. The perfect weekend day with all day to spend with Max, some light gardening while he played, a visit with an SMC friend who has a son Max’s age, a few nice walks with the dog. The perfect day that left me fulfilled and wishing that I could spend every day all day with Max.

Today, I had great plans of trying to go to church again this week, but we just didn’t make it. Our big morning ended up being a trip to get groceries. Max woke up early from his nap crying and fussy and had tantrum after tantrum after tantrum with a brief reprieve during our late afternoon walk and while my mom and sister stopped by for an hour or so to visit. I put him to bed early with his milk spiked with Benadryl, Tylenol, and gas relief. He was ready and didn’t complain one bit. Clearly, he wasn’t feeling well with a buggery nose, didn’t really eat anything, and almost nothing made him happy (for long). Also, he developed another bad rash on Friday that has persisted through the weekend. At one point this afternoon, I just looked at him and had to start laughing as he was having yet another fit wondering who replaced my normally good natured child with this demon one. Makes me appreciate how good I have it most of the time with him.

Haven’t really had the time or felt like being on the computer lately. Plus, my office is an absolute wreck and it stresses me out being in here. It was bad enough earlier in the week with controlled piles that I needed to get to. Then, on Thursday afternoon when I was talking to one of my bosses going through some employee issues going on Max comes in like a tornado throwing things everywhere, climbs up, turns on the piano and starts pounding on it while my mom and Noemi are supposed to be watching him. They come to join us in the office, can see and hear I’m on the phone and do nothing but praise Max. So, I left to go finish my conversation outside…until I was followed there…and then moved again until we were done. Yes, I do have an understanding boss who has two grown sons and several grandchildren he dotes on and just laughed when I told him my office had been invaded and I needed to escape. I must get this office back in order because it is just adding to an already stressful work environment, but don’t know when I’m going to have time. But, that’s one of the reasons I haven’t been on the computer. Too stressful to even be in this room. I’m actually typing this with the lights off so I don’t have to see the mess (not kidding).

Tomorrow, busy, busy work morning then I need to dash out for my follow up u/s and Max’s 18 month ped appt.

So, now you know what’s been up. Not really much. Just same ole, same ole. Life, with it’s ups and downs and middle ground. Except now, I’m another year older.

Bad To Worse

Haven't spent much time on the computer and haven't had much (good) to say lately. Just trudging along.

I’m not usually a negative person, even though I may come across like in on-line or on my blog. After all, it is my place to process and “get it out”.

It just seems like every time I turn around, there is another problem, something else to deal with, bad news, etc. Truly, I’m getting tired of it. In fact, I’m just plain tired.

I’m stimming. Low stim cycle, but am actually feeling a bit of ovarian pressure so maybe I will have actually some response this month. I have an appointment on Thursday so we will see.

A week or so ago (seems like a good place to start), I was headed to the grocery store and was talking on my Bluetooth headset to my cousin on the way. Got to the store, hung up, put it and my cell phone in my purse and did my shopping. Got home. Lost the headset. I was really upset because it was just the latest “thing”. Seems like every time I turn around, it is just the next thing. Late last week, I did a Costco run and they had a Bluetooth for much less than the original and a $30 rebate so I sucked it up and got it. Didn’t even take it out of the box until the weekend, where I basically charged it and left it on the counter. Yesterday, I was packing up to go to the park before work and had an internal dialog with myself about not bringing it because no one would call this early and then I wouldn’t loose it; vs. why have it if you aren’t going to take it/use it and just pay attention to it, be careful it doesn’t fall out of the bag. I decide to take it, put it in the front of my backpack which stayed zipped the entire time we were out. I got home, unloaded, and it was gone. I’m not much for tears, but I almost lost it. I go out to the car, not once, but twice while Max is eating to go look for it. I think about trying to run back to the park to look for it after Noemi comes to look for it, but realize there is absolutely no way I can make that work with my schedule. It is just a little thing, but depressed me all day long. I take us back to the same park this morning and asked the various workers who haven’t seen it, no one has turned it in, and do all I can not to burst into tears. Damn it! F’ing pisses me off. I don’t know how I lost it. I was so careful. I’ve been thinking about replacing my diamond earings that I bought myself last year for my 40th because I really loved them and have been so sad I lost the one, but have pretty much decided not to. Not because I don’t want them, wouldn’t love them, but because I couldn’t take another loss. How sad is that? Okay, that isn’t the only reason, but a big one. I didn’t take some trees out or do a few other things last year so I could splurge and look where it got me.

I haven’t been sleeping great. I’ve forgotten how I can get insomnia while stimming and have glimmer of hope that it means this cycle may not get cancelled for no response. On Sunday night, I decided that I had to finally take a look at my fridge before it died. So, at 9 pm when I’m usually on my way to bed, I’m starting a project. I didn’t really do much but take it apart, clean whatever I could see/reach, clean behind it, below it, and such. Decided that it couldn’t hurt and may help since cleaning the dust bunnies helped get my hairdryer working again. And, it seems to have helped. Fridge is sounding much better and may live for awhile longer.

Anyway, not only have I not been sleeping great. Neither has Max. On Sunday night, he woke up at like 10 pm, 3 am, and 4:45 for good. Last night, I again got to bed late, but not as late as Sunday, and Max woke me up at 11:30, 2:45, and 4:30 for good.

All this to say, that this morning, I seriously almost had a melt down over loosing the damn Bluetooth headset. I’m tired. I’m hormonal. And, I am sick and tired of getting the short end of the straw. I had to do some serious self talk to keep myself from melting down in the parking lot and holding the tears in. So, when Max wanted to climb around the car instead of getting in his car seat, I let him. I just didn’t want to do that battle this morning. I didn’t have it in me. I sat in the back and cleaned up under the seats, picked up fishy’s, bites of dried apple, and other disgusting stuff off the floor, by Max’s car seat, etc. On a whim, I pulled forward the back seat to clean up the food I remember being under there a few weeks ago when I had it up to move some stuff for a friend. And, I found the Bluetooth headset. Couldn’t believe it. I won’t say it made my day, but it gave me hope that maybe things were going to start turning around, maybe things were going to stop being so hard.

I got my latest FSH results this afternoon. Squelched THAT idea. Should have known it was just another small step forward before the next leap back. FSH on Friday, cd2 = 19.2 when previously it was 6.5 before Max and 5.5 when I started trying for #2. And, I realized that I may get a follicle or two if I’m lucky, but the quality will likely suck.

I just feel like I can’t catch a break right now. Same shit, different day.

Now, really life isn’t that bad.

Work is busy. But, mostly in a good way. I got a very nice bonus. We are going through another big re-organization and I will be amazed if my role stays in tack, but not worried about it. Likely, there will be a spot for me when the music ends.

Max is great and growing and developing. And so smart it amazes me. This morning at 4:30 when I told him it was still night night, he told me “pee pee” and pointed to the changing table. So, I changed his diaper. Then, he told me “more” while holding out his milk cup that I had given him at 2:45 with Tylenol that was empty. So, I got him more milk. When I took him back to his room, he said, “no, no, no” while holding his hand on the wall making it hard for me to get into his room. Needless to say, he ended up in my bed watching sports center, playing around, and entertaining me while I lay there trying to wake up.

It just keeping up with the house and the trying for another child that is sucking up every last emotion and energy I have that isn’t left after Max and work.

Going out with the girls tonight. My SMC friends. Looking forward to it. Three of us are trying for a sib with a strike out for each of us this month. I’ll try not to burst into tears, but if I do, I may not be alone.

I’ll take all of the worries and things breaking and even the bad labs if I can get another miracle baby.

If/when this cycle doesn’t work, I’ve decided to take and extended break. Extended 3, maybe 4 months. Try once more with my own eggs. Then, move on.

In honor of my mood, I’m wearing black today. Black panties, pants, shirt.

Yes, I keep telling myself things could be worse. But, why can’t they be getting better? Why can’t I catch a break? FSH of over 19. Yuck. Really can’t get much worse than that.

Slim To Nothing; Bully Me

I found out today that my chances weren’t just slim last month; they really were nothing as I didn’t ovulate after all and had a big cyst just sitting on my ovary that I bullied Dr. Q into aspirating.

I was counting today as cd1 since I didn’t start spotting until around 5 pm last night, but they wanted to call today cd2. Fine. Whatever. Meds are ordered, but I didn’t have time to pick them up so they are being delivered tomorrow.

So, tomorrow, I will try to find time in the late afternoon to run out and get cd3 labs drawn since I am in back to back to back meetings from basically 9 am – 2 pm with no breaks and no lunch (lovely) and hope the meds have arrived by then or that Noemi will really understand when I tell her I need her to stay and sign for the package as opposed to when I explained to her last night that I had an appointment on the other side of town most of the day and could she come 10 – 15 min. early so I could walk out the door right at 8:30 and she showed up 15 minutes late instead.

I’m tired. I’m crabby. I’m sore and crampy. I’m off to bed.

However, before I go I must say that I’m sure that Dr. Q is a competent dr. I’m sure he is, but today during the u/s he originally said the cyst was on my right ovary. I was surprised and asked if he was sure because my right ovary hadn’t done anything since October 2004. Turns out when he went to aspirate it in another room with the chair facing a different way, that he realized (and at least admitted) that it really was on the left ovary, which makes way more sense on many levels. Then, the puncture point was bleeding so he needed to apply pressure for a few minutes and now I’m really sore. I sure hope he didn’t damage the ovary. He has to be competent in doing aspirations since he has supposedly done thousands of retrievals and it is basically the same procedure except you aren’t under anesthesia and there are fewer of them. The reason he didn’t want to do it was because he said they don’t usually do them for IUI’s just IVF’s, they just aren’t that aggressive with IUI’s. With a smile, I said, oh, I’ve had it done before for an IUI (actually on my very first cycle and the fact that I had the cyst and it was aspirated allowed me to end up with my #1 choice instead of my #4 choice in donors, but that’s a story for another day). So, he agreed to do it. Really, I think he didn’t want to do it because he was in a rush to get out of the office and seeing me and doing this procedure was just holding him up. Now, I know that I’m probably being to harsh, and I’m really trying not to compare him to Dr. N who would not have gotten my ovaries mixed up; who offered and gave me the choice of either waiting a cycle or having it aspirated and explained what it meant and the pro’s and con’s so I could make an informed choice and when I decided to do it, I didn’t bleed and wasn’t sore. Dr. Q clearly doesn’t consider himself my RE as he didn’t discuss my protocol or any details or really do anything except try to tell me I should wait this cycle out. Good thing I feel capable of managing my own cycle.

The thing is that I was actually considering not cycling this month after all because my work schedule is so brutal I didn’t see how I was going to get in tomorrow to do the baseline or the monitoring and when I told the nurse coordinator that, she suggested I come in today and scheduled a late afternoon appointment next week for the follicle check and fluid u/s. So, actually, I wouldn’t necessarily have minded not cycling this month but 1) I didn’t like that I wasn’t being given the choice and 2) if that cyst didn’t clear up with a trigger shot, it wasn’t going to clear up by next month and I would be in the same place.

Probably, I should have just let it go and been compliant and said okay rather than pushing for the aspiration when I have such a busy and stressful work month ahead. But, I didn’t.

Probably, my ovary isn’t permanently damaged by the aspiration. It is just bruised and sore.

I wish I had more trust and confidence in Dr. Q. I really do think he is probably capable. Enough so that I’m not demanding to only see Dr. A or switch clinics (to one who wouldn’t let me bully them into what I wanted or doing things my way). But, still I don’t have nearly the confidence in him that I had in Dr. N. Sadly, I probably won’t. And, don’t tell me that Dr. N had more experience when I started seeing him because he didn’t. I was one of his first patients and I knew that at the time, but I liked and trusted him from the very first time I met him during our initial consult.

Okay, enough, enough already. It is a horrible situation. I miss Dr. N. Dr. Q is between a rock and a hard spot with me.

I’m cold. I’m hungry. I’m tired.

I’m going to get a bowl of cereal (since I just remembered I haven’t had dinner yet), eat it during a nice warm bath, take some Tylenol PM and go to sleep. Really this time.

Negative

Finally got the results from Saturday’s beta this morning. Negative. As expected. Still a bit like a kick in the gut. So, probably, I didn’t ovulate even with the trigger meaning it was probably a cyst and not an egg producing follicle anyway (explaining why I haven’t gotten my period). Now, I need to decide whether to do the second beta or not. Dr. N would insist on it if I got one before cd 14 even when I never saw the point. However, clearly no one is paying close enough attention to me and my cycles at the clinic to insist on anything. Good thing I never calculated that due date or got my hopes up.

Maybe

I was up for a few hours in the middle of last night courtesy of my dog who has been doing this weird anxiety thing with her food bowl in the middle of the night tossing and turning it with her muzzle scattering food everywhere and waking up the entire house. I switched from her big metal bowl that she used to share with Lucky* to a smaller plastic bowl thinking that would help. It didn’t, but made less noise so it didn’t wake up Max, just me. I’m going to pick up the food bowl before I go to bed tonight.

Anyway, while I was up and awake, I was realizing that I do have some cramping still and feeling like I’m going to start my period. It’s been days but not a smidge of spotting. So, got me thinking that maybe there is a small chance this cycle could have worked after all. Then, this afternoon, my neighbor was out smoking cigars with his brother and buddies and it made me slightly nauseous. I mean, I’m not getting my hopes up until I get quantitative beta results, but I was surprised when I thought about it and the answer wasn’t a resounding, no way, impossible. Ah, the last few days of a 2ww is such a mind game.

Consult with Dr. A went fine. Didn’t last long, but we covered everything that we needed to. He agrees that the higher the stims, the worse my response. Assuming this cycle didn’t work, I’m going to do a low stim cycle starting with 4 amps ** and then dropping with a combo of Gonal F and Repronex every day (instead of alternating the Repronex in every other day). I’m going to start Dex with stims or if a miracle occurs and I get a positive beta with this cycle. I’m also going to do another fluid u/s since the my records don’t indicate my fibroids returned, but Dr. N told me they had. Happy to do it, because really I would like to know and it is one of those can’t hurt and may help. Not that I really feel up to another myomectomy right now, but if I do end up going to donor egg and spending that kind of money…I likely would want to try to remove any fibroids…just in case. He made some comment about cycling with IUI or IVF and converting if I had a stellar response. I just laughed and told him Dr. N always gave me the same spiel and agreed that if I had 6 or so follicles in range that I would convert, but I would always tell him not to worry it wouldn’t happen and he would come back and say that he had seen it and then I would say I’d love to have that problem. Dr. A just laughed. He started the consult by apologizing for neglecting me and telling me how valuable (not exactly the word he used but can’t remember it right now) and I told him that I understood and that I didn’t need any information so kept a low profile until things got settled but that he could be sure if I really needed something, I’m not shy.

I saw a friend a few weeks ago who made a comment about one step forward, one step back in terms of just get one thing taken care of and then something else breaks or comes up. I really feel like I’m living that as well. The vacuum is working (at least temporarily) again. However, the motor on the fridge started really sounding bad today and I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t die soon. Now, the fridge isn’t new as I bought it when I moved into my house in November 1995, but still not ready to have to spend the kind of cash needed to replace. And, then, my hair dryer just stopped working. It isn’t new either, but still. I like it and don’t want to have to replace it. I’m hoping I can get it working again. We will see.

It was a nice Saturday with Max. We didn’t do much, but I think we both need days like that every now and again. Having said that, thank god, the neighbor boy called over and he and Max played for about 40 minutes before dinner. It was just the diversion Max needed because no matter how much I play with Max, it isn’t the same as another kid. See another reason he needs a sibling. Max’s face just lit up when he saw Anthony and chased him around and followed him around and laughed at his antics. Good for both boys…Anthony to be hero worshiped and Max to have someone around to hero worship.

Max really seems to have good language comprehension. This afternoon we were outside and I wanted to take the long sleeve shirt off of Max and just let him run around in the short sleeve one since it was a beautiful day. When I told Max that, he came right over so I could do it. He really knew what I was talking about. Now don’t get too impressed with his listening skills because it is much more likely that when I ask him to do something or tell him he can’t, he throws a complete fit. This morning, we went to a park that has a basketball court. Normally, when we go, it is just us. Today, there were two full court games going on. Max went right over and wanted to play/run out onto the court. I told him he couldn’t play, he was too little, and he could only watch. You should have seen the fit he had. I picked him up and sat him on the bench and we watch a bit. Then, he made a move for the court again and had another fit when I again told him he could not play, but one of the guys smiled at him and said hi and he mellowed out and just sat there watching for a bit longer. He is starting to use two word sentences like “car bye bye” when either we are going someplace or we are walking and he sees a car pull out of a garage or driveway. Max will say, "City...no, no, no" while crying that City is leaving or "no, no bye bye" when he's not so upset over the fact. Last night, he got the soap from the bathroom sink, threw it in the trash can and said “bye bye”. I guess he has the bye bye concept down.

Anyway, still feeling very crampy as I sit here typing, but the intensity comes and goes a bit. Tomorrow, we are going to a friends house so the day will be pretty scheduled and go fast. Helps with the waiting and keep the mind games to a minimum.

Okay, I have to confess before I sign off that I actually went for a beta this morning, hoping that if it was positive, I would get some news and not have the torture of waiting until Tuesday (since I won’t be able to drop off blood until after 3 pm PT on Monday), but never got the results today. Sigh. Even though it was marked STAT, I’m not sure if it didn’t get sent to the clinic or everyone had left or what. Dr. A knew I was waiting and he said he would check before he left, but he could have gotten busy and forgotten or they weren’t there. I could email, but it wouldn’t do any good because if he actually got the results, he would have called. This is where it gets hard and I have to balance my natural inpatients with understanding for Dr. A’s situation (me not being Dr. A’s patient and him being impossibly busy and my history not being with him, but Dr. N) and missing Dr. N. If Dr. N knew I was waiting for a beta, he would have tracked it down before he left or if I emailed him. It’s something I don’t feel comfortable emailing Dr. A about would have Dr. N. The whole situation just sucks, but now is not the time to be a pain in the ass patient no matter how much I may feel like it.

And, so I wait. These last few days. To see. If maybe, just maybe, this cycle worked.

* Next month will be the one year anniversary of Lucky’s death. I still miss her and can tear up thinking about it, but not in the gut wrenching pain of loss of the first few months. Max has played with our neighbors son a few times recently who keeps saying Lucky died. It doesn’t really upset me because I know it is his way of processing it and I think he is 5 (isn’t 5 considered the death year?), but it does make me sad that she isn’t here. Then, I look at the photo on the fridge of Max and Lucky the day before Lucky died and I remember how sick she was.

** He gave me the option of staring with 6 or 4 amps and I picked 4. After the call, I’ve been thinking that maybe 3 would be better – 2 Gonal F 1 Repronex.

Quote Of The Day

The funniest quote I heard today comes from one of my bosses when he told me I was going to have to take some yoga classes so I could be flexible enough while being wrapped around Max’s finger to not get hurt. LOL. Yes, something I really do need to be worried about and one of the many reasons I want Max to have a sibling. I think we need triangulation which happens naturally in a married couple. Maybe not all mom and kid families need triangulation, but I do think mine does. I just think things will get too intense and it will be to easy for me to spoil him without another person in the family to stir thing up a bit. In regards to being wrapped around Max’s fingers, Max is such a charmer I can see it easily happening. I’ve actually told my friends that when they see it, to please point it out to me since, I’m sure he will easily manipulate me without me even being aware as he grows.

In other news, I seem to be in less of a funk now that I have identified and able to articulate what it was that was bringing me down. Yes, still a bit sad, but in a more aware way. Consult tomorrow. Beta Monday.

Figuring Out The Funk

While I was doing nothing tonight, I identified the root cause of the funk I have been in. I don’t know why it didn’t hit me sooner, since it has been in the back of my mind for awhile. Today is February 1st. Not only will be turning 41 in 15 days, if I had not had the latest miscarriage, I would be getting ready to go out on maternity leave any day now. I was due on February 15th. My 41st Birthday. I would have loved that for a birthday present. I always wanted a February baby. Instead, I’m still trying. No closer now than I was a year ago to having a second child with the likelihood of me ever having another biological child pretty darn slim. There you have it. Not a darn thing to be done except keep on getting on since I’m not ready to quit. You can’t win if you don’t play the game, but the game really does suck most of the time. I’m sad for the child that never was. I’m sad for the actual loss as well as the loss of the hopes and dreams that go with it.

I was also thinking that for the first cycle ever, I haven’t looked up my due date if it works. In the past, I haven’t been able to help myself. This cycle, I have no desire to know. I never even thought about looking it up until now ¾ of the way through the 2ww. It is enough that my ovaries actually did something this month.

Anyway, I miss you baby that never was for all that you could have been and brought to our family.

I miss the loss of my dream of have siblings close in age growing up together. I tried so hard for that and in my heart I know that there is nothing I could have done to make that happen that I didn’t try. I’ve tried every chance I had in every cycle I had where there was anything remotely viable to work with.

I’m sad that I’m not in the home stretch and putting the final preparations together for my birthday baby.

The Nothing Post

I’m sure if I thought about it, I could find something meaningful to post about, but I’m tired/mind numb at the moment. I had a good idea for a post yesterday. Ah, yes, it is coming back to me about how sleep begets sleep. Max is in a weird sleep pattern. Shorter naps and a bit longer at night, BUT he is waking up on and off at night crying for a minute or two or even a few more before falling back to sleep. This of course wakes me up for a bit while I listen and determine if intervention is needed or not, pee since I am already awake, let the dog out to pee (since she is so old now that using the doggie door is hard for her). Between Max and the dog who has decided to eat at 3 am and for some reason move around his metal bowl on my tile floor so loudly that I can hear it across the house and waking me up, I haven’t had a good night sleep in awhile. But that, all and all, I think I actually get more sleep, but am more tire and sleep after having Max. Hmmmm.

I have some cute pics of Max that I haven’t unloaded from the camera yet. One of him this weekend playing in a puddle with a ball. Like doesn’t get any better than that for him. The two things he loves most. Water and Balls. He is actually getting quite good at making baskets with all different sizes and weights of balls.

One of Max’s other favorite activities these days is chasing the cat. The cat is quite tolerant and doesn’t seem to mind most of the time. In the past, the cat would be the one trying to get Max to do the chasing. Max will start crying and tell City ‘no, no, no’ when he walks/runs away from him. Then, Max will usually go over to Shadow and give her a big hug instead since Shadow almost never moves away from Max even when he is sitting or bouncing or doing a full body hug. Max, be nice to your doggie, she is old. You are hurting her. You can’t bounce/lay on your doggie are very familiar refrains around here. Poor Shadow. I think she loves the attention, but that Max does hurt her. Come on, she’s 16 now and Max is 25 lbs.

Still in a hibernate, don’t feel like talking or hanging out with friends moods. Finished my last good book and have been zoning out in front of the TV (for a rare change). Cleared out most of what I wanted to watch off the DVR. Sigh.

Nothing going on. Nothing new. No knew news. Got nothing to say about anything today! Got to wrap this up and turn off my computers so I can go spend time with Max* and then do nothing once I put him to bed.

As I’ve been typing this getting crampy and light my periods will be here soon. Here’s to betting that it comes by the weekend. Unlike some, I’ll get a period taking huge amounts of progesterone or not. I’ll still wait for beta until stopping, you know, just in case an all.

There you have it…my post about nothing.

* I would say do nothing with Max, but that is an impossibility and something he would never let me get away with although has he ages he takes much less time and attention. We will do our nightly walk and then play a bit before bed time. One of the amazing things about Max (maybe it is like this with all kids?) is how he reminds me that it isn’t the destination, but the journey that is important.

The Blah’s

The swimmer’s are all in one locale - the clinics. Thus, avoiding a $110 storage charge for 3 months of storage. So, I have 5 vials. Found out the donor has about 20 total, but only 10 of good quality. A letter went out last week that they are “cleaning house” and getting rid of vials of donors no longer in the program and, basically, last chance to purchase my donor. I asked the nurse practitioner what is the cut off date for a decision and she said a few months. I may never be able to use them, but gosh darn it, don’t want them destroyed either. I guess I will wait a month or two see if I get any kind of response before deciding to spend a small fortune on something likely I will never need.

As I was out and about, playing hooky from work all morning, I was thinking about whether I may be mildly depressed. Truly, all I wanted to do today was lay in bed and read a book. I think more likely, I just have the blah’s.

I used to get so happy every time I went to the clinic. Now, it just makes me sad and feel like crying. I stopped in my nurse coordinators office while on my way out to confirm my consult with Dr. A over the weekend and to get lab slips for my beta next week and cd3 labs for my next cycle. She asked me how I was doing. I said fine, but really felt like bursting into tears. I changed the subject instead. Even though I wasn’t going there for a procedure or to even see a doc, it was still very hard and makes me sad. Dr. P’s birthday was this weekend. All I could think about was how she was doing and how hard it likely was to not have Dr. N there. Ugh, blah, blah, blah…just makes me really sad is all. It is still so tragic. I wish it never happened and that he was still here. His death affected me deeply. Mostly, I get on getting on since he wasn’t a part of my every day life/route. But, going to the clinic is hard.

While driving, I was really hoping and praying that I really did get pregnant this cycle even though it was against the odds and I really don’t think so, because it would mean that I would get to stop going there for a good long time, if not forever. I’m not ready to give up, and I’m not ready to go someplace else (like anyone else would want to take me on). I so dread anything to do with that place these days. It’s just another sign of how likely I will never have another bio child and reminds me all over again about how much I really liked and respected Dr. N and how much I miss him.

To add to my mood. 1) My new (bought within the last year) vacuum isn’t working as discovered by Ana, the lady that cleans my house every two weeks. 2) My new washing machine isn’t working as discovered by Noemi when if flooded the just cleaned kitchen floor. It stopped mid cycle and now won’t do anything. It’s just dead. My cousin called to tell me that I need to turn in paperwork by tomorrow in order to be a “sponsor” for her daughter who is getting confirmed in April. I told her no way I could get the letter from my church, that I haven’t been to in months and months, so I sent her the URL to the church and told her she could get it herself or write one…what a great example to set for her daughter, huh? 4) It is a rainy, gloomy day here. It fits my mood.

So, I haven’t laid in bed today feeling sorry for myself and reading. But, I am feeling a bit down today. Life goes on. Life is for the living, but some days it is easier than others.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

Feeling Pissed Off

I’m feeling pissed off and it is only Monday. I really do (mostly) like my job, but have been dreaming more and more about being independently wealth (or marrying rich …HAHAHAH) and being able to be a stay at home mom. Hmmm, I know I have said it before, but before Max, I never thought I would feel that way, after having him, I could easily do it and love it.

Last Monday night, I bit the bullet and worked late after I put Max down to get caught up on this task that had been hanging over my head. I got an email today that said the database was corrupted and all data entered within the time frame I did mine, is lost, gone, has to be redone. F’ing pisses me off. I just finally get caught up work wise for a day or two until we actually start delivering the performance reviews for our employees and now I need to find MORE time to go back and do work that not only did I already do, but I did so at personal sacrifice to myself. Yes, while I could be working on it now instead of bitching and moaning about it, I need a day or two to cool off over this. Ugh!

In other news, having a bit of a hard time getting used to the glasses. The big problem is that I have found that I don’t just “read”. I tend to read a bit and then look around, like at the clock across the room which is now blurry. Or, from my work computer, to my home computer, to out the window. This is problematic. And, I get a weird glare (from the lenses). What I have found is that they do magnify things and make them clearer (like they are supposed to) close, but I’m getting headaches from the blurriness caused by looking at other things and tacking them on and off every two minutes is a pain. They seem to work best if I close my eyes, put them on, and open them while only looking at what I want to read. Then, taking then closing my eyes and taking them off before I look anyplace else. But, easier said than done.

Max and I have a very nice weekend. We actually had zero social commitments and didn’t leave the house except to walk the dog twice a day and/or play in the yard (rain, mud puddles, etc.). I didn’t run any errands (although I probably should have). I even hardly talked on the phone. I think we both needed a quiet weekend together. We worked on an art project each day (putting stickers and crayons on a blank sheet of paper), we listened and danced and sang to the CD from the music class he started taking last Monday. It was the first time I had listened to it or that we had listened to it together. I think we both liked it. We played numerous silly games like “It’s raining socks” and “Squish, Squish”…don’t ask, they are made up spur of the moment games. We watched a bit of TV and listened to music.

It dawned on me sometime last week when Max kept asking for Football on the TV, that he maybe only like the background noise so instead of always putting that on, I’ve been putting music on from the cable stations and most of the time, he is fine with that. So, I think I was right, he just wants the noise, which I’m not thrilled with because I don’t particularly like a TV or radio on all the time, but am willing to go with the flow and he is asking for it on less and less since I haven’t restricted it. Hey, I try not to say “no” when I don’t have to because the battles have already started on that and trying to get his way.

The other day he was playing basket ball in the house which involves him picking up a ball, climbing onto the recliner chair and throwing the ball to the hoop. He decided that he was tired of “chasing” his own balls and started pouting to try to get me to do it for him. Oh man, you should have seen it, classic. Made me laugh. I did get it for him that once, but told him that was it and I wasn’t going to chase his balls down for him. He sighed and climbed out of the chair to go fetch his own ball the next time with a sigh.
In fertility related news, I keep forgetting about my progesterone…especially the morning one over the weekend. Sigh. There are whole pockets of time where I completely forget I am in a 2ww and all. I’m moving sperm tomorrow morning to avoid getting charged a storage fee at my sperm bank. And, I have a follow up consultation with Dr. A about next steps/protocol next Saturday. Beta is a week from today.

Okay, not feeling quite so pissed about the work thing, but not going to do it for another day or two on a matter of principle and let them complain about it not being done. I dare them.