Slim To Nothing; Bully Me

I found out today that my chances weren’t just slim last month; they really were nothing as I didn’t ovulate after all and had a big cyst just sitting on my ovary that I bullied Dr. Q into aspirating.

I was counting today as cd1 since I didn’t start spotting until around 5 pm last night, but they wanted to call today cd2. Fine. Whatever. Meds are ordered, but I didn’t have time to pick them up so they are being delivered tomorrow.

So, tomorrow, I will try to find time in the late afternoon to run out and get cd3 labs drawn since I am in back to back to back meetings from basically 9 am – 2 pm with no breaks and no lunch (lovely) and hope the meds have arrived by then or that Noemi will really understand when I tell her I need her to stay and sign for the package as opposed to when I explained to her last night that I had an appointment on the other side of town most of the day and could she come 10 – 15 min. early so I could walk out the door right at 8:30 and she showed up 15 minutes late instead.

I’m tired. I’m crabby. I’m sore and crampy. I’m off to bed.

However, before I go I must say that I’m sure that Dr. Q is a competent dr. I’m sure he is, but today during the u/s he originally said the cyst was on my right ovary. I was surprised and asked if he was sure because my right ovary hadn’t done anything since October 2004. Turns out when he went to aspirate it in another room with the chair facing a different way, that he realized (and at least admitted) that it really was on the left ovary, which makes way more sense on many levels. Then, the puncture point was bleeding so he needed to apply pressure for a few minutes and now I’m really sore. I sure hope he didn’t damage the ovary. He has to be competent in doing aspirations since he has supposedly done thousands of retrievals and it is basically the same procedure except you aren’t under anesthesia and there are fewer of them. The reason he didn’t want to do it was because he said they don’t usually do them for IUI’s just IVF’s, they just aren’t that aggressive with IUI’s. With a smile, I said, oh, I’ve had it done before for an IUI (actually on my very first cycle and the fact that I had the cyst and it was aspirated allowed me to end up with my #1 choice instead of my #4 choice in donors, but that’s a story for another day). So, he agreed to do it. Really, I think he didn’t want to do it because he was in a rush to get out of the office and seeing me and doing this procedure was just holding him up. Now, I know that I’m probably being to harsh, and I’m really trying not to compare him to Dr. N who would not have gotten my ovaries mixed up; who offered and gave me the choice of either waiting a cycle or having it aspirated and explained what it meant and the pro’s and con’s so I could make an informed choice and when I decided to do it, I didn’t bleed and wasn’t sore. Dr. Q clearly doesn’t consider himself my RE as he didn’t discuss my protocol or any details or really do anything except try to tell me I should wait this cycle out. Good thing I feel capable of managing my own cycle.

The thing is that I was actually considering not cycling this month after all because my work schedule is so brutal I didn’t see how I was going to get in tomorrow to do the baseline or the monitoring and when I told the nurse coordinator that, she suggested I come in today and scheduled a late afternoon appointment next week for the follicle check and fluid u/s. So, actually, I wouldn’t necessarily have minded not cycling this month but 1) I didn’t like that I wasn’t being given the choice and 2) if that cyst didn’t clear up with a trigger shot, it wasn’t going to clear up by next month and I would be in the same place.

Probably, I should have just let it go and been compliant and said okay rather than pushing for the aspiration when I have such a busy and stressful work month ahead. But, I didn’t.

Probably, my ovary isn’t permanently damaged by the aspiration. It is just bruised and sore.

I wish I had more trust and confidence in Dr. Q. I really do think he is probably capable. Enough so that I’m not demanding to only see Dr. A or switch clinics (to one who wouldn’t let me bully them into what I wanted or doing things my way). But, still I don’t have nearly the confidence in him that I had in Dr. N. Sadly, I probably won’t. And, don’t tell me that Dr. N had more experience when I started seeing him because he didn’t. I was one of his first patients and I knew that at the time, but I liked and trusted him from the very first time I met him during our initial consult.

Okay, enough, enough already. It is a horrible situation. I miss Dr. N. Dr. Q is between a rock and a hard spot with me.

I’m cold. I’m hungry. I’m tired.

I’m going to get a bowl of cereal (since I just remembered I haven’t had dinner yet), eat it during a nice warm bath, take some Tylenol PM and go to sleep. Really this time.