Avoidance

Avoidance has been my biggest coping strategy of the week. Truth be told, it hasn’t been as hard as one might think because all my extra energy has gone to work, which is extremely busy, and Max, who has required a few extra cycles/more energy this week. It also helped that I avoided talking to most of my friends thus avoiding have to talk about “the failure”. Yes, I have been a really bad friend this week. I just couldn't make myself do call backs or pick up the phone. Just couldn’t. Didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to think about it. Wanted to pretend all was fine. I was fine. My big rebellion, other than avoiding friends, was not taking my prenatal vitamins and fish oil pills. I took avoidance too far with completely forgetting to wean myself from the Dex. Wednesday night I was feeling physically pretty crappy along with emotionally drained when it occurred to me that it was likely caused my the cold stop to the Dex. I took it and went to bed and woke up physically better.

The thing is, I have only been able to take avoidance so far because my ovary, the left one, hurts. It’s sore. It is a constant reminder on how fucked up my fertility is right now.

I have some questions for the RE that I haven’t called or emailed. I remembered a friend who used an acu that is very close to me, across the street from my grocery store I think, but haven’t called to get the name/number. I just haven’t been able to take any action, at all, in regards to this latest failed cycle.

And, then, this morning, I had a lots of cervical mucus. And, I called and set up an appointment for another u/s this afternoon just to make sure that nothing is growing. Yes, I know that even if a follicle has grown the egg quality at this point is likely bad, but I can’t help myself. I need the quantitative data …okay MORE quantitative data…because even with two u/s showing there was nothing going, a high FSH, and a low Inhibin B.. I want to hold on to a little hope. For another miracle.

While I’m in, I’m meeting with the financial coordinator to talk about a DE cycle.