Grandama

I just got word that my grandma died this evening. She was 92. She was my last living grandparent. My dad called yesterday telling me he thought the end was near. When I hreard this, I regretted not making more of an effort over the last few years to see her/spend time with her. I thought about calling my dad and talking to him about trying to go see her before she passed, but hadn't yet had the chance. She was a big part of my childhood, but not a big part of my adult life. She led a full life and died peacefully. I hate that I'm more stressed about the logistics of whether or not to go the the service (no details yet) than mourning her loss. I don't know if I can swing it with work, with Max, cycling (if I don't get cancelled tomorrow), and financially. But, how can I not go. Why make the time now when I couldn't/didn't when she was still alive? I guess I will wait until I know the details to decide. Part of me says, how can you not go. I was already feeling wired after such a difficult afternoon with Max and after eating too much chocolate (that I shouldn't have bought, but hey ..it was on sale), now I'm just plain stressed out. It's already 11 pm. I'm wired and I still haven't even shot up my stims yet (should have done that hours ago). I'm sure I'll be paying early in the morning since I put Max to bed early.

Grandma - May you rest in peace. I love you! I really do think you are in a better place now. I wish we lived closer. I wish I called more. I wished you had a chance to meet Max instead of just see pictures and hear about him. I know you understood that I was busy building/raising my family. I don't think you ever understood how or why I became a mom without being married, but you loved me and were happy for me anyway.

Oh, what to do, what to do. I can't even find time to get the oil changed in my car, take a pee break during work hours, fix the ever growing things that need to be fixed around here, make a phone call about Max's mommy and me class. How can I take the time to fly across country? How can I afford it right now?

Life is too much of a roller coaster right now. I can't take the highs and the lows. I need smooth waters for awhile. I need to get my bearings and my calm back.

Yet, I feel selfish thinking about me and the impact to my life and not worrying about honoring her life.