Maybe

I was up for a few hours in the middle of last night courtesy of my dog who has been doing this weird anxiety thing with her food bowl in the middle of the night tossing and turning it with her muzzle scattering food everywhere and waking up the entire house. I switched from her big metal bowl that she used to share with Lucky* to a smaller plastic bowl thinking that would help. It didn’t, but made less noise so it didn’t wake up Max, just me. I’m going to pick up the food bowl before I go to bed tonight.

Anyway, while I was up and awake, I was realizing that I do have some cramping still and feeling like I’m going to start my period. It’s been days but not a smidge of spotting. So, got me thinking that maybe there is a small chance this cycle could have worked after all. Then, this afternoon, my neighbor was out smoking cigars with his brother and buddies and it made me slightly nauseous. I mean, I’m not getting my hopes up until I get quantitative beta results, but I was surprised when I thought about it and the answer wasn’t a resounding, no way, impossible. Ah, the last few days of a 2ww is such a mind game.

Consult with Dr. A went fine. Didn’t last long, but we covered everything that we needed to. He agrees that the higher the stims, the worse my response. Assuming this cycle didn’t work, I’m going to do a low stim cycle starting with 4 amps ** and then dropping with a combo of Gonal F and Repronex every day (instead of alternating the Repronex in every other day). I’m going to start Dex with stims or if a miracle occurs and I get a positive beta with this cycle. I’m also going to do another fluid u/s since the my records don’t indicate my fibroids returned, but Dr. N told me they had. Happy to do it, because really I would like to know and it is one of those can’t hurt and may help. Not that I really feel up to another myomectomy right now, but if I do end up going to donor egg and spending that kind of money…I likely would want to try to remove any fibroids…just in case. He made some comment about cycling with IUI or IVF and converting if I had a stellar response. I just laughed and told him Dr. N always gave me the same spiel and agreed that if I had 6 or so follicles in range that I would convert, but I would always tell him not to worry it wouldn’t happen and he would come back and say that he had seen it and then I would say I’d love to have that problem. Dr. A just laughed. He started the consult by apologizing for neglecting me and telling me how valuable (not exactly the word he used but can’t remember it right now) and I told him that I understood and that I didn’t need any information so kept a low profile until things got settled but that he could be sure if I really needed something, I’m not shy.

I saw a friend a few weeks ago who made a comment about one step forward, one step back in terms of just get one thing taken care of and then something else breaks or comes up. I really feel like I’m living that as well. The vacuum is working (at least temporarily) again. However, the motor on the fridge started really sounding bad today and I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t die soon. Now, the fridge isn’t new as I bought it when I moved into my house in November 1995, but still not ready to have to spend the kind of cash needed to replace. And, then, my hair dryer just stopped working. It isn’t new either, but still. I like it and don’t want to have to replace it. I’m hoping I can get it working again. We will see.

It was a nice Saturday with Max. We didn’t do much, but I think we both need days like that every now and again. Having said that, thank god, the neighbor boy called over and he and Max played for about 40 minutes before dinner. It was just the diversion Max needed because no matter how much I play with Max, it isn’t the same as another kid. See another reason he needs a sibling. Max’s face just lit up when he saw Anthony and chased him around and followed him around and laughed at his antics. Good for both boys…Anthony to be hero worshiped and Max to have someone around to hero worship.

Max really seems to have good language comprehension. This afternoon we were outside and I wanted to take the long sleeve shirt off of Max and just let him run around in the short sleeve one since it was a beautiful day. When I told Max that, he came right over so I could do it. He really knew what I was talking about. Now don’t get too impressed with his listening skills because it is much more likely that when I ask him to do something or tell him he can’t, he throws a complete fit. This morning, we went to a park that has a basketball court. Normally, when we go, it is just us. Today, there were two full court games going on. Max went right over and wanted to play/run out onto the court. I told him he couldn’t play, he was too little, and he could only watch. You should have seen the fit he had. I picked him up and sat him on the bench and we watch a bit. Then, he made a move for the court again and had another fit when I again told him he could not play, but one of the guys smiled at him and said hi and he mellowed out and just sat there watching for a bit longer. He is starting to use two word sentences like “car bye bye” when either we are going someplace or we are walking and he sees a car pull out of a garage or driveway. Max will say, "City...no, no, no" while crying that City is leaving or "no, no bye bye" when he's not so upset over the fact. Last night, he got the soap from the bathroom sink, threw it in the trash can and said “bye bye”. I guess he has the bye bye concept down.

Anyway, still feeling very crampy as I sit here typing, but the intensity comes and goes a bit. Tomorrow, we are going to a friends house so the day will be pretty scheduled and go fast. Helps with the waiting and keep the mind games to a minimum.

Okay, I have to confess before I sign off that I actually went for a beta this morning, hoping that if it was positive, I would get some news and not have the torture of waiting until Tuesday (since I won’t be able to drop off blood until after 3 pm PT on Monday), but never got the results today. Sigh. Even though it was marked STAT, I’m not sure if it didn’t get sent to the clinic or everyone had left or what. Dr. A knew I was waiting and he said he would check before he left, but he could have gotten busy and forgotten or they weren’t there. I could email, but it wouldn’t do any good because if he actually got the results, he would have called. This is where it gets hard and I have to balance my natural inpatients with understanding for Dr. A’s situation (me not being Dr. A’s patient and him being impossibly busy and my history not being with him, but Dr. N) and missing Dr. N. If Dr. N knew I was waiting for a beta, he would have tracked it down before he left or if I emailed him. It’s something I don’t feel comfortable emailing Dr. A about would have Dr. N. The whole situation just sucks, but now is not the time to be a pain in the ass patient no matter how much I may feel like it.

And, so I wait. These last few days. To see. If maybe, just maybe, this cycle worked.

* Next month will be the one year anniversary of Lucky’s death. I still miss her and can tear up thinking about it, but not in the gut wrenching pain of loss of the first few months. Max has played with our neighbors son a few times recently who keeps saying Lucky died. It doesn’t really upset me because I know it is his way of processing it and I think he is 5 (isn’t 5 considered the death year?), but it does make me sad that she isn’t here. Then, I look at the photo on the fridge of Max and Lucky the day before Lucky died and I remember how sick she was.

** He gave me the option of staring with 6 or 4 amps and I picked 4. After the call, I’ve been thinking that maybe 3 would be better – 2 Gonal F 1 Repronex.