Figuring Out The Funk

While I was doing nothing tonight, I identified the root cause of the funk I have been in. I don’t know why it didn’t hit me sooner, since it has been in the back of my mind for awhile. Today is February 1st. Not only will be turning 41 in 15 days, if I had not had the latest miscarriage, I would be getting ready to go out on maternity leave any day now. I was due on February 15th. My 41st Birthday. I would have loved that for a birthday present. I always wanted a February baby. Instead, I’m still trying. No closer now than I was a year ago to having a second child with the likelihood of me ever having another biological child pretty darn slim. There you have it. Not a darn thing to be done except keep on getting on since I’m not ready to quit. You can’t win if you don’t play the game, but the game really does suck most of the time. I’m sad for the child that never was. I’m sad for the actual loss as well as the loss of the hopes and dreams that go with it.

I was also thinking that for the first cycle ever, I haven’t looked up my due date if it works. In the past, I haven’t been able to help myself. This cycle, I have no desire to know. I never even thought about looking it up until now ¾ of the way through the 2ww. It is enough that my ovaries actually did something this month.

Anyway, I miss you baby that never was for all that you could have been and brought to our family.

I miss the loss of my dream of have siblings close in age growing up together. I tried so hard for that and in my heart I know that there is nothing I could have done to make that happen that I didn’t try. I’ve tried every chance I had in every cycle I had where there was anything remotely viable to work with.

I’m sad that I’m not in the home stretch and putting the final preparations together for my birthday baby.