What’s up?

My appointment on Thursday went fine. I thought Dr. A was going to do it, but Dr. Q came instead. Fluid u/s should uterus is fine. No fibroids. Which is especially good news if I do end up going the DE route. Two small follicles on left. Nothing on right. Dr. Q thought I should scrap the cycle. I told him I needed to think about it. Dr. A was finishing a consult when I was chatting with the receptionist before I left and called me into his office to talk. He thought I should continue stims through the weekend, do another u/s on Monday, before deciding. This was how I was leaning as well so that is what I have done.

I keep alternating between forgetting that I’m stimming and dreading it after I remember. I seriously thought about just not doing it last night, but did. Then, I got so hopeful that maybe THIS cycle would be the one that worked and that maybe both follicles would have good eggs and I would get pregnant with twins. Ha ha ha ha . Temporary insanity. And, since it is early in the year, it is really easy to add 2 (February) with 9 to equal 11 (Nov.) which would be the due date if this cycle worked with a thought that my ex-bf, the one that I came closest to marrying and still keep in contact with, was born in November. Mostly, it just all seems and feels so hopeless right now and I’m not sure why I’m bothering to go through the trouble and disappointment of yet either another cancellation or another negative.

Thursday was my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. The big 41. Feeling old and fat (and tired)! Work was busy and included a performance review where an employee was telling me he was still struggling with his diabetes and depression and how he wanted someone at work to know what he went through to do the job he did and proceeded to tell me about how he was sexually abused as a child, how his first wife died, his second wife was abusive, his third wife is great, but her kids are rude and obnoxious and how he needed to be freed to live up to his potential. I asked what that meant and he didn’t know. I asked what he wanted me to do and he said it was enough that I was just aware for now. That was the worst part of the day. The best part was at the very end of the day getting a beautiful flower arraignment from Max, courtesy of one of my SMC friends. In between that was work, the u/s, and taking Max to dinner with my mom.

Friday, I did six performance reviews back to back with no break, not even to use the potty. Had 30 minutes to make a few phone calls, grab a bite to eat, use the facilities before I conducted an interview. I was so mentally wiped out that I just hibernated Friday night after putting Max to bed.

Yesterday, Saturday, was great. The perfect weekend day with all day to spend with Max, some light gardening while he played, a visit with an SMC friend who has a son Max’s age, a few nice walks with the dog. The perfect day that left me fulfilled and wishing that I could spend every day all day with Max.

Today, I had great plans of trying to go to church again this week, but we just didn’t make it. Our big morning ended up being a trip to get groceries. Max woke up early from his nap crying and fussy and had tantrum after tantrum after tantrum with a brief reprieve during our late afternoon walk and while my mom and sister stopped by for an hour or so to visit. I put him to bed early with his milk spiked with Benadryl, Tylenol, and gas relief. He was ready and didn’t complain one bit. Clearly, he wasn’t feeling well with a buggery nose, didn’t really eat anything, and almost nothing made him happy (for long). Also, he developed another bad rash on Friday that has persisted through the weekend. At one point this afternoon, I just looked at him and had to start laughing as he was having yet another fit wondering who replaced my normally good natured child with this demon one. Makes me appreciate how good I have it most of the time with him.

Haven’t really had the time or felt like being on the computer lately. Plus, my office is an absolute wreck and it stresses me out being in here. It was bad enough earlier in the week with controlled piles that I needed to get to. Then, on Thursday afternoon when I was talking to one of my bosses going through some employee issues going on Max comes in like a tornado throwing things everywhere, climbs up, turns on the piano and starts pounding on it while my mom and Noemi are supposed to be watching him. They come to join us in the office, can see and hear I’m on the phone and do nothing but praise Max. So, I left to go finish my conversation outside…until I was followed there…and then moved again until we were done. Yes, I do have an understanding boss who has two grown sons and several grandchildren he dotes on and just laughed when I told him my office had been invaded and I needed to escape. I must get this office back in order because it is just adding to an already stressful work environment, but don’t know when I’m going to have time. But, that’s one of the reasons I haven’t been on the computer. Too stressful to even be in this room. I’m actually typing this with the lights off so I don’t have to see the mess (not kidding).

Tomorrow, busy, busy work morning then I need to dash out for my follow up u/s and Max’s 18 month ped appt.

So, now you know what’s been up. Not really much. Just same ole, same ole. Life, with it’s ups and downs and middle ground. Except now, I’m another year older.