Bad To Worse

Haven't spent much time on the computer and haven't had much (good) to say lately. Just trudging along.

I’m not usually a negative person, even though I may come across like in on-line or on my blog. After all, it is my place to process and “get it out”.

It just seems like every time I turn around, there is another problem, something else to deal with, bad news, etc. Truly, I’m getting tired of it. In fact, I’m just plain tired.

I’m stimming. Low stim cycle, but am actually feeling a bit of ovarian pressure so maybe I will have actually some response this month. I have an appointment on Thursday so we will see.

A week or so ago (seems like a good place to start), I was headed to the grocery store and was talking on my Bluetooth headset to my cousin on the way. Got to the store, hung up, put it and my cell phone in my purse and did my shopping. Got home. Lost the headset. I was really upset because it was just the latest “thing”. Seems like every time I turn around, it is just the next thing. Late last week, I did a Costco run and they had a Bluetooth for much less than the original and a $30 rebate so I sucked it up and got it. Didn’t even take it out of the box until the weekend, where I basically charged it and left it on the counter. Yesterday, I was packing up to go to the park before work and had an internal dialog with myself about not bringing it because no one would call this early and then I wouldn’t loose it; vs. why have it if you aren’t going to take it/use it and just pay attention to it, be careful it doesn’t fall out of the bag. I decide to take it, put it in the front of my backpack which stayed zipped the entire time we were out. I got home, unloaded, and it was gone. I’m not much for tears, but I almost lost it. I go out to the car, not once, but twice while Max is eating to go look for it. I think about trying to run back to the park to look for it after Noemi comes to look for it, but realize there is absolutely no way I can make that work with my schedule. It is just a little thing, but depressed me all day long. I take us back to the same park this morning and asked the various workers who haven’t seen it, no one has turned it in, and do all I can not to burst into tears. Damn it! F’ing pisses me off. I don’t know how I lost it. I was so careful. I’ve been thinking about replacing my diamond earings that I bought myself last year for my 40th because I really loved them and have been so sad I lost the one, but have pretty much decided not to. Not because I don’t want them, wouldn’t love them, but because I couldn’t take another loss. How sad is that? Okay, that isn’t the only reason, but a big one. I didn’t take some trees out or do a few other things last year so I could splurge and look where it got me.

I haven’t been sleeping great. I’ve forgotten how I can get insomnia while stimming and have glimmer of hope that it means this cycle may not get cancelled for no response. On Sunday night, I decided that I had to finally take a look at my fridge before it died. So, at 9 pm when I’m usually on my way to bed, I’m starting a project. I didn’t really do much but take it apart, clean whatever I could see/reach, clean behind it, below it, and such. Decided that it couldn’t hurt and may help since cleaning the dust bunnies helped get my hairdryer working again. And, it seems to have helped. Fridge is sounding much better and may live for awhile longer.

Anyway, not only have I not been sleeping great. Neither has Max. On Sunday night, he woke up at like 10 pm, 3 am, and 4:45 for good. Last night, I again got to bed late, but not as late as Sunday, and Max woke me up at 11:30, 2:45, and 4:30 for good.

All this to say, that this morning, I seriously almost had a melt down over loosing the damn Bluetooth headset. I’m tired. I’m hormonal. And, I am sick and tired of getting the short end of the straw. I had to do some serious self talk to keep myself from melting down in the parking lot and holding the tears in. So, when Max wanted to climb around the car instead of getting in his car seat, I let him. I just didn’t want to do that battle this morning. I didn’t have it in me. I sat in the back and cleaned up under the seats, picked up fishy’s, bites of dried apple, and other disgusting stuff off the floor, by Max’s car seat, etc. On a whim, I pulled forward the back seat to clean up the food I remember being under there a few weeks ago when I had it up to move some stuff for a friend. And, I found the Bluetooth headset. Couldn’t believe it. I won’t say it made my day, but it gave me hope that maybe things were going to start turning around, maybe things were going to stop being so hard.

I got my latest FSH results this afternoon. Squelched THAT idea. Should have known it was just another small step forward before the next leap back. FSH on Friday, cd2 = 19.2 when previously it was 6.5 before Max and 5.5 when I started trying for #2. And, I realized that I may get a follicle or two if I’m lucky, but the quality will likely suck.

I just feel like I can’t catch a break right now. Same shit, different day.

Now, really life isn’t that bad.

Work is busy. But, mostly in a good way. I got a very nice bonus. We are going through another big re-organization and I will be amazed if my role stays in tack, but not worried about it. Likely, there will be a spot for me when the music ends.

Max is great and growing and developing. And so smart it amazes me. This morning at 4:30 when I told him it was still night night, he told me “pee pee” and pointed to the changing table. So, I changed his diaper. Then, he told me “more” while holding out his milk cup that I had given him at 2:45 with Tylenol that was empty. So, I got him more milk. When I took him back to his room, he said, “no, no, no” while holding his hand on the wall making it hard for me to get into his room. Needless to say, he ended up in my bed watching sports center, playing around, and entertaining me while I lay there trying to wake up.

It just keeping up with the house and the trying for another child that is sucking up every last emotion and energy I have that isn’t left after Max and work.

Going out with the girls tonight. My SMC friends. Looking forward to it. Three of us are trying for a sib with a strike out for each of us this month. I’ll try not to burst into tears, but if I do, I may not be alone.

I’ll take all of the worries and things breaking and even the bad labs if I can get another miracle baby.

If/when this cycle doesn’t work, I’ve decided to take and extended break. Extended 3, maybe 4 months. Try once more with my own eggs. Then, move on.

In honor of my mood, I’m wearing black today. Black panties, pants, shirt.

Yes, I keep telling myself things could be worse. But, why can’t they be getting better? Why can’t I catch a break? FSH of over 19. Yuck. Really can’t get much worse than that.