Crying for my friend tonight

My friend H had her double mastectomy today. She was in surgery for 7 hours and wasn’t out of recovery a half hour ago when I got an update from my cousin (who didn’t end up getting in until 12:40 this morning 12 hours and 40 minutes after she was supposed to have arrived and left my house at 6 am to take H to the hospital).* I guess they found cancer in H's lymph nodes which they didn’t think they would. My cousin said they think they got it all, but this from the doctor who told H it wasn’t in her nodes so not to worry about it. And, the cells are microscopic. They went three nodes higher than they thought they needed to and really couldn’t go any more without affecting her arm (didn’t really understand that part, but basically they took out every thing they could). They really won’t know more until they get the pathology report back about mid week next week.

I know H was really hoping it had been caught early and contained just in the breast tissue. Since it is in the nodes, it is just more likely that it could spread; that they didn’t get it all; that chemo and/or radiation will be needed; and her recovery and battle longer and harder.

She was telling me the other day that the type of cancer that she has is in strands instead of tumor like and that it is often under categorized as a result because they all have to be added together to get the true picture. It is a rare form of breast cancer.

I’m just so sad for her tonight for having to go through this at all. Loosing your breasts has to be a lot like dealing with infertility and how you look and feel about yourself as a woman. We talked about that a bit the other day.

I wish I could be there with her; wish I could do more for her; wish she didn’t have to deal with this; wish they got it all; she goes/stays in remission and gets to have a long life to see her children grow.

I’m also feeling sad for Dr. P and her family tonight and missing Dr. N. I sent some money in memory of Dr. N for their children’s education fund. I got a thank you note back today. Dr. P said that because of generosity of me and others that they should all be able to go to any college they choose. I’m very happy and relieved about that. I’m glad that I was able to contribute like I wanted. I’m also sad. She said that she is devastated by the loss and time doesn’t seem to be making the pain less. She also said how special I was to Dr. N** and how she sees the picture of us (Dr. N, Dr. P, me and Max) the day after I delivered Max as a symbolic blessing. Dr. N helped me conceive Max and Dr. P helped deliver him. It really is a great picture. Max was just looking at it and holding it today and I was telling him “his story”.

I guess what really has me sad tonight is the loss of dreams. My dream of having another biological child, period, let alone another that Dr. N helped conceive and Dr. P helped deliver. The loss of Dr. P’s dream of raising her family with Dr. N. The loss and struggle that H has in front of her.

As Dr. P said, “we are, after all, the living and so that’s what we do.” Yet sometimes it is harder and sadder than others.

BTW, I’m calling next week to get a referral for a mammogram and/or a breast u/s. I’m going to push for the breast u/s. H’s cancer wasn’t found in the mammogram. It was the u/s that found it. I’ve never had either yet. I’m trying to make time to get some of these important things off my list, getting Max’s birth certificate was one; getting the mammogram or u/s is another; and getting a living will/trust in place is the third. I also got my tax’s dropped off to the tax guy today and expect a refund so that should help. Since life is for the living, I’m trying to get some of this stuff done so I can worry less, just in case.

* My cousin has a special skill in helping people in hospital/surgery situations. I wanted and have had her here for both of my surgeries and was very glad/grateful. My cousin had her kids early, right after she graduated from college with a teaching degree which she never used because she realized when she was student teaching that she didn't really like it. She went back to school to become a nurse when her older two were tots, but it became too much. She really does have a calling in this area. Anyway, when she was visiting last week she went to a few appointments with H (they have become sort of friends over the years when my cousin has come to visit). Anyway, because her kids are older now, she was able to arrange to come back out and be H's hospital advocate and help in all the ways I wish I could if I had the time and Max was older. I'm so glad that she could be here to help, even if a bit sad that it wasn't me. And, I know that I don't have the same skill and compassion and "hospital ease" that my cousin has. It really is a niche skill, but one in which she excels.

** It’s odd when you think about it that Dr. N was so special to me and that I was affected so much by his death. I mean, he wasn't more than a doctor to me really, but I did feel a special bond with him. I'm glad that he seemed to have felt it as well since both his wife and his business partner told me so. I miss him too Dr. P. I can understand your devastation and pain. I really can.