The Blah’s

The swimmer’s are all in one locale - the clinics. Thus, avoiding a $110 storage charge for 3 months of storage. So, I have 5 vials. Found out the donor has about 20 total, but only 10 of good quality. A letter went out last week that they are “cleaning house” and getting rid of vials of donors no longer in the program and, basically, last chance to purchase my donor. I asked the nurse practitioner what is the cut off date for a decision and she said a few months. I may never be able to use them, but gosh darn it, don’t want them destroyed either. I guess I will wait a month or two see if I get any kind of response before deciding to spend a small fortune on something likely I will never need.

As I was out and about, playing hooky from work all morning, I was thinking about whether I may be mildly depressed. Truly, all I wanted to do today was lay in bed and read a book. I think more likely, I just have the blah’s.

I used to get so happy every time I went to the clinic. Now, it just makes me sad and feel like crying. I stopped in my nurse coordinators office while on my way out to confirm my consult with Dr. A over the weekend and to get lab slips for my beta next week and cd3 labs for my next cycle. She asked me how I was doing. I said fine, but really felt like bursting into tears. I changed the subject instead. Even though I wasn’t going there for a procedure or to even see a doc, it was still very hard and makes me sad. Dr. P’s birthday was this weekend. All I could think about was how she was doing and how hard it likely was to not have Dr. N there. Ugh, blah, blah, blah…just makes me really sad is all. It is still so tragic. I wish it never happened and that he was still here. His death affected me deeply. Mostly, I get on getting on since he wasn’t a part of my every day life/route. But, going to the clinic is hard.

While driving, I was really hoping and praying that I really did get pregnant this cycle even though it was against the odds and I really don’t think so, because it would mean that I would get to stop going there for a good long time, if not forever. I’m not ready to give up, and I’m not ready to go someplace else (like anyone else would want to take me on). I so dread anything to do with that place these days. It’s just another sign of how likely I will never have another bio child and reminds me all over again about how much I really liked and respected Dr. N and how much I miss him.

To add to my mood. 1) My new (bought within the last year) vacuum isn’t working as discovered by Ana, the lady that cleans my house every two weeks. 2) My new washing machine isn’t working as discovered by Noemi when if flooded the just cleaned kitchen floor. It stopped mid cycle and now won’t do anything. It’s just dead. My cousin called to tell me that I need to turn in paperwork by tomorrow in order to be a “sponsor” for her daughter who is getting confirmed in April. I told her no way I could get the letter from my church, that I haven’t been to in months and months, so I sent her the URL to the church and told her she could get it herself or write one…what a great example to set for her daughter, huh? 4) It is a rainy, gloomy day here. It fits my mood.

So, I haven’t laid in bed today feeling sorry for myself and reading. But, I am feeling a bit down today. Life goes on. Life is for the living, but some days it is easier than others.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah